Dr. Laura,
My wife and I have been married 11.5 years. We have 3 children ages 7, 5, and 2. My wife is at home with them while I work and go to school full time.
Over the years, I have slowly taken on more responsibilities. I have always done the usual male role items of taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc. but other items that are predominantly my responsibility have been picking up the house before bed time, the laundry, nightly dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, and a few hours on the weekend addressing things that have just piled up.
The amount of effort I felt like I was giving was definitely building up and beginning to take a toll on our relationship and intimacy. It wasn't until my wife said to me "You make a better housekeeper than I do" that I saw the shame and hurtfulness I was imposing on her, furthering the downward spiral. She was giving it her all, as most females AND males do to contribute to our relationship. While I may be able to clean a room efficiently and multitask housework, that does not diminish her contribution. It took a shift in my frame of reference to focus on accomplishments rather than disappointments. I also apologized for hurting her in that way.
I still make mistakes about judging what is not getting done, but I try now to focus on what is being accomplished without me. Our relationship is healing, and yesterday we helped each other put clean sheets on our bed that I didn't even wash.
Michael
