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10/22/2014
Dr. Laura:
Thirty-three years into my helping career by teaching anger management and looking after victims, I finally figured out the whole forgiveness thing. Forgiveness to me is the small stuff. Things like "I'm sorry, I forgot your birthday." "...I forgive you." "I'm sorry, I gossiped about you." "...I forgive you." "I'm sorry, I killed your wife, sexually assaulted your child, beat your mother or father, emotionally decimated you, etc." is not forgivable.
We waste too much time on these issues because we confuse forgiveness with "Ah Ha - I now have an answer why he drove drunk and killed my family". He/she has asked for forgiveness and now I have something to do with my pain by granting it. But that is not an answer; the forgiveness is just a stall tactic to healing in my opinion. I believe we are so busy trying to put closure on things, which by the way is impossible, that we automatically revert to forgiveness. Instead of working through the pain and enduring our suffering we look for quick solutions - forgiveness. What we need to teach to ourselves, is resolve. I resolve to get through the pain you caused my family or me or my kids. I resolve not to fall into a world of darkness and hurt so you may have eternal power over me. I resolve to honor their memory or their injury by committing to my community, my life and my remaining family and friends. Forgiveness is for your creator and that's his decision. At least with those "resolutions" in play, I get to choose my own recovery and attitude.
Donna
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