Quick To Substitute Parent; Should We Substitute Spouse? My husband is a wonderful man. He has always agreed that it is best for a mother to be at home with her children. So, with that in mind, when I became pregnant with our fourth child I planned to quit my teaching job despite the fact that we were not financially prepared to do that. Our son has been the most wonderful blessing and surprise to our family. Our older children are in sixth, eighth, and ninth grade so he has a home full of "big people" who love him very much. Because he was a surprise, we knew it was going to put a strain on our situation if I quit my job. However, I did and have enjoyed being with him more than I imagined. Recently my husband, feeling the pressure of our financial situation, began to "encourage" me to go back to work. He reasoned that since our kidlet was 18 months now and it was good that I had been home as long as I had. I began to look around, my heart torn but hating the stress he felt, I quit fighting him and started looking. Well, last week he heard a man call your show with a question about child care versus staying at home. Apparently you said something to the effect of, we are so quick to get a substitute parent for our children, to love them, and nurture them, but we would never get a substitute spouse for our husbands/wives if we were away to come and love (i.e. have sex with). The thing is, my husband travels for his job. He travels A LOT. You painted a very vivid picture for him and he called me right away to apologize for suggesting that I go back to work and to say that he would do whatever he had to do so that our son did not have to have a substitute mommy. By the way, just to make the point of how incredibly rebellious we wives can be, even as he spoke the words of apology, I was already thinking, "Hey, maybe I want to." Whatever, I'm a jerk I know, but I am not going anywhere and I thanked my husband appropriately when he got home as well as thanking him "appropriately" as often as we can since then. K. More >>

Proud of Son's Failing Grade I wanted to take this opportunity to brag about my 12 year old son who FAILED a English homework assignment last week. The assignment was to order the top 15 events in his life and then in one paragraph explain why the first two events are the most important events in his life. I have pasted his paragraph below:When I listed the events in my life in order of importance, I listed "Parents are Married" as the most important and "Parents Graduate College" second. I chose when my parents married as the most important event in my life. This is the most important event on my list because I wouldn't like to live in two different houses each week. I think it is sad when kids do not really have a house of their own and just visit their parents in their houses. Also, because they are married, my parents are able to give me more support in school and the other things I do, like sports. I am glad that both of my parents can see me score a home run when I play baseball. The second most important event I chose is when my parents graduated from collage. I feel this should be one of the top two things on my list because if they didn't graduate our lives would be very different. My mom was a teacher before she had children. She helps me with all of the homework I need help on. This helps me get better grades.. Also, because my dad has a college degree, he has a job that earns enough money for my mom to stay home with my sisters and me. I am really glad that we did not have to grow up in day care centers.His teacher (a twice divorced working mother of a three month old) gave him a zero and told him he had the opportunity to re-do the assignment. My son declined to re-do the assignment because he said his answer would not change. He was a little worried about my reaction when he told me about the grade. I think he was surprised when I framed the paper with its bright red "0" and put it on the table by my bed. I explained that the important thing is that he is learning to be a Man and took him out for an ice cream cone. Keep spreading the word about how important for moms to stay home with their children and to raise children in strong (not perfect - just committed) families. Thank you, M. More >>

Frustration With Children Yesterday, you had a mother talking about her two daughters. One could do no wrong and the other seemed to always be in trouble. I too had what I thought was this same problem a few years ago. My eldest daughter seemed to always be up to something and her younger brother seemed to always obey. One day I screamed for her to get upstairs "RIGHT NOW". I was prepared to unload on her yet again for something she had done wrong in my eyes. For some reason, when she reached the top of the stairs, my eyes zoomed in on hers. I realized immediately that she had fear in her eyes. My daughter was afraid of me. I realized what I was frustrated about was not worth that fear I saw. I stopped and instead of showing my frustration to her I simply said, "I love you." I continued this process. Whenever I caught myself calling out her name in frustration, I would follow it by "I love you." One day I yelled out her name and she yelled back, "I know, you love me". What a difference this simple change in behavior has made. The advice you gave to this mother was similar to my change in attitude and it has made an amazing difference. I hope she listened. C. More >>

Because Of The Way I Make HIM Feel Dear Dr. Laura, On your program recently, you had a woman call in named Nicole. She said her problem was horrible jealousy issues with her boyfriend. In talking to you, she got it, that people love her not because of her so much as because of how good she makes the other person feel. You suggested she behave in such a way that if another woman danced naked on his desk he would wanna come home to her because of the way she makes him feel. Dr. Laura thanks to your book The Proper Care Feeding of Husbands (and most importantly my putting that book to action!) I've got that man. He tells me that he loves me so much because he KNOWS I love him so much. He sings your praise and constantly tells people (other married men mostly) how "Dr. Laura's book changed his wife". It's amazing and sad at how many men ask my husband to borrow it to give to their wives. But back to my fabulous husband. He would notice the naked woman dancing on his desk. He'd tell her to get off because she was standing on his papers and go away because she's making too much noise while he's on a conference call. Because I love my husband and wake up every day thinking of ways to make his life better, he only has eyes for me. I'm keeping it that way. Thank you Dr. Laura, I was almost a feminista, but that's to your book I'm instead my husbands woman! Kate More >>

Shouting To The World How Much I Love Him Dear Dr. Laura, I want to first begin by saying Thank you. Thank you for your teachings, for your honesty, and for spreading morality in a time when society desperately needs it. But I mostly want to thank you for teaching me how to become the wife I had always hoped I would be. I am my husband's wife and proud of it. My husband and I have been married for over three years and have known each other for over six. We have grown together, struggled together and have had plenty of laughs along the way. He is truly my best friend, my soul mate, and my prince in shining armor all wrapped in one. I make it a point to let him know every day how much he means to me whether it is by squeezing him a little tighter when we snuggle in the morning to something as simple as making him a tasty dinner. This man would truly "walk through shark infested waters to bring me a cup of lemonade" if that is what he thought would make me happy. I never realized this more than this past week when he insisted on caring of me before and after my laser eye surgery. He helped calm my nerves before the procedure by just hugging me and rubbing my head and insisting that he would not be allowing me to go through with this if he was not 100% sure everything would be OK. He drove me to the doctor's office, went in with me to meet the doctor and was eagerly waiting for me when I was done with my procedure. That day I came home in a lot of pain and he was next to me all day and night helping me with my drops, giving me my medication, and just keeping me company. The days that followed he drove me back and forth to the doctor's office, did the housework (including laundry which he hates doing), and even helped me in the bath by washing my hair. He insists that as my husband this all comes with the territory and has to take care of me and as his wife I would not hesitate to do the exact same thing for him. However I know several women who have husbands that these thoughts would not even cross their minds. He gets teased at work by some male coworkers about how he is with me and some even go so far as to tell him that we are still newly married and to give it more time and things will be different but I know that he or I will never change as long as WE both continue to put each other first. I am really lucky to have this man as my husband and I make sure that I never take advantage or take for granted what I have. Every once in awhile I need some reminding but that is where you come in. You keep me focused when I find myself straying. I wanted to think of some special way to let him know how much his nursing meant to me this weekend and a small gift or a special dinner just didn't seem like enough so that is why I decided to write this letter. I want to shout to the world how much I love this man. I am the luckiest girl in the world and nobody can have him because he is mine!! Thank you, Sandra More >>

Thoughts From A Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband Dear Dr. Laura, Two months ago I left my wife and children and moved into a condo about a mile from our home. This morning I was moved to write the following, just to help me vent my frustration over the treatment from my wife that led to this painful and damaging decision: FOR YEARS..... For years you behaved as if it didn't matter whether I came or went....so I went. For years you were unsatisfied with the income I brought in, even though it was way more than enough to allow you to stay home with the children...now you have less and you get to go to work. For years you behaved as if my touch meant nothing to you...now it's gone. For years you never once complimented me on the household repairs I made, keeping up the lawn and garden, cleaning and organizing the garage and the hundreds of little things I did to help keep our home balanced and running...now you can do them. For years you complained that I didn't do enough housework...now it's all yours. For years you chose not to attend community and social events that were important to me...now they're not an option. For years you expected me to read your mind when you were hurt or upset...never could, never will. For years you punished me with your silence...now you have plenty. For years you would not share information about our kids' schedules, doctor's appointments and so on...now some attorneys will help you polish your communication skills. For years I chose to love you, protect you, provide for you, confide in you, have fun with you...now I don't. For years you behaved as a long-suffering martyr...now you can be one. For years I chose to raise your son as my own...now he's hurting. For years you treated me as the lesser parent ...now I am. For years our precious young daughter has watched this debacle...what do you think she's learned? For years... P.S. I bought and read The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage months ago and asked my wife to read it with me. She laughed. Signed, Still My Kids' Dad In Southern California More >>

Appreciating Our Blessings While Accepting Our Losses! I listen to the StreamLink and there were 2 calls last week that really touched me. The first was from a woman, Terry, who had a lot of changes happen to her and she just sucked it up and you told her that she brushed all of these off because she is "the strong one and can take on anything". That is me to a tee. I am not a whiner, but I have had things happen in my life that would make a great Lifetime movie of the week. My mother was a never married woman when being a single mother was NOT the norm as it is today. She did the best that she could, and right as her life was to start once I went to college, she had breast cancer then a stroke leaving her in a nursing home. When that first happened, I buried all of the feelings and "handled it" like the good girl that I was. It all hit many years later, ironically enough when I saw a similar situation on, of all things, a soap opera! I came crashing down and cried about her stroke for days. When her breast cancer came back, I had to be the one to take her off of life support when I was 26. Again, I "handled it". My husband and I have lost 4 pregnancies, 2 before having our beautiful daughter, 2 after she was born. The last that I had was a tubal like yours. The tubal was treated with medication rather than surgery and that ended up leaving me infertile. Once again, I "handled it". It has started to come crashing down, both situations at the same time. The fact that my daughter will never have Grandma Jackie in her life, and the fact that my body turned on me and we cannot have any more children. As you told Terry, and the caller Laura that had a few miscarriages and was not having sex because of fear that she would get pregnant, we need to appreciate what we DO have. I have always felt like Terry in that I feel like, "How dare I feel sad when I have such a beautiful life?" But I DO feel that way, that I truly am appreciative of what I do have; a beautiful husband who has loved me since I was 18 (I am 40 now), an amazingly beautiful little miracle daughter who is the light of our lives, and, knock on wood, good health. But there are times that I want answers as to why my mom had to die so young, why I had to lose 4 babies, why I cannot have anymore children and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. But listening to your answers to both Laura and Terry, I realize that you can be appreciative for the blessings that you have, and still feel sad about the losses in our lives. They are not mutually exclusive feelings. The feelings can work together and both can help heal the hurts inside. Your answer to both of them spoke to me and I am vowing to move on, let the sadness and disappointments and appreciate the good that I have. I thank you for that, and I especially want to thank my wonderful husband for being there through all of it! Keep up the good work! Laura More >>

The Sweetness Is Working We've been married for 20 years. We've always had a great marriage though we did have some little issues, like my husband was always a compulsive worker! He has even been reprimanded by his boss for turning in too many hours on his time card! I started listening to the Dr. Laura show again in January 2007. You made me realize that I needed to work harder at making my husband feel more important at home. I started just being sweeter in little ways like getting UP when he comes in the door and giving him a big sloppy greeting. I now bring him a cup of coffee before I make the kids breakfast. After one week, we were driving and he looks over at me and says, "I think I'm working too many hours. Where I really want to be is here at home with you!" (If I hadn't had on my seatbelt, I'd have fallen out of my chair!) He started calling me at lunch to say he was missing me. When he comes home at night, he leaves his laptop at the office now. So I started laying on the sweet behavior in such an extreme manner that it feels like I'm acting in a Broadway play! I say things like "Oh, my big strong man protected me from that Cockroach!" "Thank you for going to work when it's no fun for you." "You're my hero for stepping in with the contractor and taking care of me!" I kept thinking surely he's going to tell me to cut it out! After about 2 months though, he's started sending me little love notes and saying he's thinking of me ... like His Woman. He left on a business trip yesterday. The night before he left, he took me out on a date! On the day he left, when I went to bed, I found a romantic card on my pillow! (Who is this man?) Treating my husband with respect is even more important since I have two teenaged boys! I tell my husband, I need you to deal with this because our son will respond better to your strength! I step back and bite my tongue and they all get it done without me! Our oldest is off to college in two years, and I want both my boys to have a good picture in their mind of how a Woman should treat her Man, so they'll pick a good Woman for their wife! I still feel like a phony, but my husband is happier, my kids are happier, so I'm happier! D. More >>

Standing Up For Accountability, In My College Classroom Dear Dr Laura, I am a 22 year old, college student attending a small, private university, who has been listening to your show since the mid 1990's. I am writing to you about a group discussion we had yesterday in my Sociology class. The night before, the class and I attended a small, one man, hip hop performance. (Similar to the movie Eight Mile, with rapper Eminem, the white boy who grew up in a dysfunctional home and finds acceptance in the hip hop community.) During class, my professor asked our thoughts about the play, one of the questions he came up with was, "Was there evil in this play?" I simply raised my hand and said," Yes there was evil in this play, "the parents" were evil. I believe they were evil, because of the emotional neglect they showed this poor boy. (The mother, emotionally abused her son because she was on drugs, divorced the father, never showed up to her visitations and committed suicide while on the phone with the boy. The father, emotionally abused his son because he was a workaholic, remarried and committed adultery with various women.) Therefore, this emotional neglect, is evil!" My professor had a shocking look on his face because, he never thought of this kind of emotional neglect as evil." After I said this, a girl raised her hand and came up with the stupidest line that I have heard so many times in my sociology classes, she said, "It's not the parents' fault, its society's fault, the father HAD to be a workaholic to provide for his family, and because his ex-wife killed herself. The ex-wife could not handle the stresses of society, it was too overwhelming for her." Sadly, I was not surprised at her answer, so I raised my hand again and said, " It is NOT society's fault, Where is the accountability?? We all have free will, and can choose how we are going to react to life situations. Yes, we are influenced by society, but again there is a choice we are given, some chose to make good out of bad situations and others do the complete opposite!" She got quiet, and my professor quickly changed the subject. I was extremely nervous to stand against my peers and stand up for people taking accountability for their own behavior, but after listening to you, Dr. Laura for so many years, I am Proud to do it! You are an encouragement to me and my family. Thank you for helping put life in a new perspective! A. DrLaura.com family member, Miss. W. More >>

Having The Courage To Do The Right Thing Dear Dr. Laura, I would like to share with you the courage our daughter had last week. When leaving school last Friday, she heard a terrible noise. When she turned around, she witnessed a girl keying a car that belonged to a kid in her class. This girl was laughing, thought it was funny. Our daughter called the person who owned the car, and informed him who did it. She testified to the authorities what she had witnessed, and the girl was suspended. Here is the best part. She was asked if she wanted a new parking space for the remainder of the year so she would not have to face this girl in the parking lot. She told them that it would not be necessary, how she was not going to live her life around this girl. She said she was not going to be intimidated by her, because turning her in was the right thing to do. Of course some kids at school are upset with our daughter for what she did, but from listening to you for many years, and teaching our children that people need to be held accountable for their actions, she will handle herself fine. Thanks for teaching our daughter to have the courage to do what is right. She heard many times (Now Go DO The Right Thing!!) God Bless, N. More >>