Staying A Widowed Parent Until My Children Were Grown Dear Dr. Laura, I've been a regular listener of your program for many years. I want to thank you for sharing some very important statistics on your program nearly eight years ago which helped me make a decision I have never since regretted. In September 1996, my husband passed away and I found myself raising two children, ages 10 and 4, alone. I struggled through grief and loneliness, and I grappled with well-meaning advice from some family and friends who believed I should seek a new mate. But finding a good mate would take a large investment of time, and I just wasn't willing to take that time away from my children. After all, they'd already lost the love and attention of one parent. Wasn't that pain enough? So, I made what is in this day and age an unusual and unpopular decision: I committed to remain a single parent at least until my children were grown and on their own. Some believed I was cheating my children by not providing a "new dad" for them; others thought it was my way of hiding from another relationship. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that my decision was based upon one simple but undeniably crucial fact: What my children needed most was the very best of me . A few months later I heard you quote some very interesting statistics about the overall success of children in intact two-parent families, single parent families, and step-families. In a nutshell, children of two-parent families performed the best, but children of single-parent families whose custodial parent remained unmarried performed better than children of parents who remarried. What a sense of hope I found in hearing that, although our nuclear family was no longer intact, my choice to remain single and focus on raising my kids would afford them the best opportunity to succeed in every aspect of life! Your words solidified and strengthened my resolve! I wasprompted to do some research of my own and found that, indeed, studies show that children of committed, one-parent families can perform as well as children of intact two-patent families. Commitment is the key---commitment to making your children first priority, and commitment to maintaining a consistent, nurturing atmosphere at home. Fast-forward eight years.... I am blessed to have two obedient, respectful and delightful teenagers. How many parents can say that? God has placed in our path wonderful male role models who have taken time from their own busy family lives to spend time with my kids. I have many precious memories of time spent with my children, watching them grow and mature. Best of all, because I've chosen not to remarry, my children have never experienced the horrible pain of divorce (a statistical likelihood had I chosen to remarry). On top of all that, I've been given the opportunity to share with and mentor other single parents through our church's Single Parent Family Ministry. We provide well-rounded ministry to the entire single-parent family, including an 8 week program for building stronger single parent families, monthly support groups, budget counseling, planned family activities, and a quarterly car care program, all offered to the community free-of-charge. I'm so proud to be part of a church which truly cares about and for the single parent families in our community! ! (By the way, there's a wonderful organization called the Center for Single Parent Family Ministry ( www.spfm.org), founded to help equip those who want to reach out to single-parent families. It's a great resource!) Thank you, Dr. Laura, for speaking the truth, even when it's unpopular. Thank you for speaking words that helped set me on a solid course during a difficult time in my life. And thank you for challenging us to be the very best husbands, wives and parents we can be. Warm regards, Debbie More >>

Parent And Family Ethic Dear Dr. Laura, I just wanted to let you know how thrilled I was when I saw your letter to the editor in the Wall Street Journal . As to when we will hear about the parent and family ethic, I think it will be a long time coming. As good a newspaper as I think the Wall Street Journal is, it still caters to some extent to working professional women #151; regardless of their parental status and continues to print articles that tell those of us who have chosen to be real parents that if we change our minds, we won't be able to get back to the level where we once were. Maybe it makes some of the writers and editors feel better about themselves? I will also take this time to thank you for everything you've done for my family. When my two older children were young, I worked as a professional accountant, working long hours and doing little of what I should have been doing. There were times when I was in my car driving to clients and I would listen to your show. At first I used to say to myself that you were right about most things but that there were many "well educated" (I now know not the same as smart) people who said many positive things about kids with working parents. Thankfully I listened enough to your nagging, bought myself Parenthood By Proxy and when my oldest child was three said goodbye to work. I am now the "real" mother of four children ages 2, 4, 6 and 8. I homeschool the two oldest children (my oldest attended kindergarten in a public school in LA County and that was enough to force me to consider alternatives). We do the K12 program online and I am amazed at how much I am learning. My kids attend karate (in Laguna Hills) on a daily basis and also swim and play soccer or baseball throughout the year (things they would never be able to do if I worked). My children are happy, kind and love each other. They are friendly and kind to other kids. My mother helps me out with their teaching when she is visiting (which I believe has also given her some sense of purpose since my father's sudden death). Sorry for rambling on but I've got a two year old tugging at me and another waiting for help with reading.I'm not sure that this would be our life if not for your nagging. Keep doing what you're doing. You are amazing and your work is making this world a better place for everyone.With deepest gratitude, Laurel P.S. I'm working on your newest books in my spare time so that I can "do the right thing" for my husband more consistently in the future. More >>

Physical Fitness and Custody Disputes Dr. Laura I want to comment on two recent topics discussed on your program. 1. Physical Fitness You are 100% right about the origin and continuing cause of obesity in the youth in present day America - lack of exercise. Cutting out physical education (PE) and recess as "unnecessary" and "superfluous" is as wrongheaded a policy as can be imagined. Kids (and adults) need exercise daily. They need to play, run, stretch, wrestle, and generally use their bodies. Sports inculcate values, which are of great help in other areas of life (even if those benefits have been exaggerated at times). In my youth, there were one or two "fat kids" in a class who were unfortunately the butt of teasing and sometimes verbal cruelty. The rest of the kids were slim and fit. Today from one third to one half of the kids are overweight and many are down right obese. This comes from bad diets but more from a lack of exercise. My brother and I lived 3 long blocks from our school and walked to and from school every day. My parents wouldn't have thought of driving us to school unless it was raining. The school near my present house is crowded with cars twice daily as parents drop off and pick up their kids. As Bruce Springsteen sings, "we were born to run". Bodies in motion are part of our natural make-up. If we lacked this ability and drive, we as a species, wouldn't be here today. The saber tooth tigers would have devalued our ancestors a million years ago. We need the exercise as much today as then because our bodies have not fundamentally changed and because we need to be fit to meet new challenges and to preserve our health. We have to take our bodies as we find them. We ignore these truths at our peril. Another consideration is that obesity portends catastrophic consequences on the American health care system in the future. Obesity leads to many degenerative diseases such as diabetes and heart attacks. Kids who are obese now will manifest symptoms of one or more of these and other maladies by their 30s. The Health Care System is likely to be swamped and bankrupted. In the past many of America's enemies have made the mistake of believing that Americans were soft and flabby and unable to engage in combat. They have always been wrong--- until now. Can these fat kids, soon to be fat adults, totally out of shape physically, meet the demands of the Armed Services? Not very likely. We have a major health crisis on our hands and little is being done about it. To the contrary those in charge of public education are encouraging this deplorable situation by cutting out PE and recess. They are acting against the welfare of the Nation and its people. I say restore recess, PE and sports for all kids, as these activities are every bit as important as the politically correct "academic subjects". 2. The Woman Who Lost CustodyThe story told by the woman who called and said she lost custody of her young daughter to her husband because of the so-called "Old Boy Network (OBN) has no credibility. I do not deny that in some places (usually small towns) that an OBN does exist. However, even in these places, it is not believable that the OBN caused the judge to take custody from a "good and loving mother" (as she describes herself) and give it to an uncaring, unfeeling father just because he is the deputy sheriff in town. There had to have been circumstances in the mother's life to justify this action on the part of the court. The OBN might sway the court in a close case. However, this woman's story was that there was no comparison in parental caring and ability but the court disregarded this and took the child away from her anyway. She described her ex-husband as a pedophile, a believer in incest, a father who would physically endanger the child by leaving a loaded gun around and, in general, a lousy father. There is no way that this story holds water. I have practiced law for 30 plus years and have handled many divorce cases. It is sad to say that, with few exceptions, when parents are locked into a custody fight, the child's welfare is not the primary interest of either parent. They talk the talk but do not walk the walk. They shamefully use the child to vent their rage, hurt and humiliation on the other spouse who "wronged them". With few exceptions, both parents are liars about what is really going on. There is rarely a good guy and a bad guy. Both are doing bad things to the child for their own ego purposes. One is not the bright and shining hero/heroine and the other the devil incarnate despite their protestations (often under oath). This situation is so bad that I will no longer handle cases where child custody is an issue. This mother's recitation of the incidents which supposedly make the father unfit and a bad man, does not sound truthful or realistic. The father is a police officer and it is not surprising or perverted that he would have his gun at home. Being highly trained in the use of firearms, it is extremely improbable that he leaves a loaded gun around where the child can get hold of it The waterbed with a mirrored ceiling (if true) would have no sexual significance to a young child. The fact that their bodies touched during sleep is normal. I know that you have slept with your child. I know that when my kids were little and I was exhausted enough to give in to their whining, they slept in the bed with me and my wife and they were all over the bed. The problem was keeping them off you. As a psychologist, you are aware of the technique of suggestive questioning, i.e. where the parent suggests the answer in the way she or he puts the question to the child. Kids want to please their parents and will usually pick up the hint and tell the parent what she/he wants to hear. This then becomes "proof" that the questioning parent's suspicions are correct. Charges then follow. This kind of despicable conduct is all too typical. Parents who truly love and cherish their children are not in custody fight. A few custody fights are justified. Most are not. I'm sorry this letter got so long. I feel passionately about both topics. Keep up the good work you are doing in protecting children. By the way, I completely agree withyou that of two parents, one the child molester and the other the mother who knows what is going on but chooses to let it happen to preserve the marriage, the conduct of themother is far worse. Females in nature fiercely protect their young and fight to the death if necessary in doing so. What happened to the human species? Very truly yours, C. R. D. More >>

Leave Politics To The Talkmeisters Dear Dr. Laura, I've been meaning to write for some time regarding your political comments. Your comments today spurred me to finally sit down to write it. When I first started listening to you, I never heard you make political comments. Then you started cautioning listeners about the ALA, boy love organizations and such. I was very interested in the comments you made about the facts as you knew them and your interpretation of what that meant for our children and our society as a whole. The information you gave encouraged me to find out the policies of my local library regarding children's access to material I might consider inappropriate. You have also made comments about individual organizations such as Planned Parenthood and "the organization of I don't know what kind of women." While I have supported such organizations in the past, I found your comments interesting and caused me to reconsider my charitable contribution priorities. So with that background, I'd like to reinforce your absolute right to make whatever comments you like on your show. It is your show and your opinions and you have every right to express them. However, you might consider that making broad brush comments on your show about specific political parties may not be achieving your long term goal. I am assuming your long term goal is not for your show to be an outlet for you blowing off steam. When I get upset, I call all my girlfriends. When you get upset, you get on the airwaves. I'm a Democrat. You are a Republican. But we share values with respect to our families. I have learned much from your show about personal responsibility, good parenting, handling gossip, and understanding and loving my husband better. But I am still a Democrat. My values haven't changed, I have just grown in how I express and carry out my values. So when you go on the air and denigrate Democrats, Democratic supporters, Democratic candidates or "the left", "liberals", etc,, those comments alienate me and others like me. I turned off your show for several months because I just didn't want to hear it anymore. If your goal is to improve the moral fiber of this country, people's personal decision making ability and the responsibility and integrity of your listeners, you aren't going to get there by causing them to turn off your show. You have the education, work experience, maturity and personal qualities that qualify you to be a talk show host dealing with moral issues. But you have no more experience in politics than the rest us informed voters. There is a lot we don't know about what goes on in politics. A lot of it occurs outside the public view. Due to the Administration's closed door policies, medias' fears of losing access, corporate consolidation of media outlets and bias, we don't always know the whole story. (Bias includes a bias left, right or a bias to include both sides of the argument even if one view is more logical or representative of experts in the field or the population us a whole.) So I resent you proclaiming your political leanings as if you really had more information or more authority on this subject than your listeners. (And how many times have you later found out you were wrong about a political comment you made?) Another issue I have with you using your show to highlight your political affiliation, is it reinforces the odd affinity citizens have with their political parties. There is a study which showed exactly what I believe to be true: If you grew up in a certain party, identify with that party, and vote with that party, part of your identity as a person is tied to the affiliation as "Republican" and "Democrat". Once, a California co-worker from Illinois told me she was a Republican. When I asked her why, she said she was from Illinois and everyone there is a Republican. I wish I had the study to cite to you and I'm sure I'm not explaining this in a very convincing fashion, but my point is that the parties are political machines more akin to the rivalry between Coke and Pepsi than inherently "good" or "bad", "patriotic" or "not-patriotic-enough" or whatever other adjective they've thrown at us enough that we believe it. I wish you would not contribute to the stereotype of the good, religious, patriotic people being all Republican and all the promiscuous, big spending, unpatriotic people being Democrats. That is a sweeping generalization if I ever heard one. I firmly believe that education is the key to most of society's problems. Remember MADD? None of those DUI laws changed public behavior until Mother's Against Drunk Driving impressed upon our psychics what we were actually doing when we drove drunk. Their education campaign is what changed behavior: I believe the same to be true of abortion. The more we educate girls and women about their bodies, their rights within relationships, the awesome responsibility they have as keepers of life within their bodies, the more responsible I believe women will be with respect to sex, adoption and abortion. But you're not going to legislate that behavioral change by outlawing abortion. So I support your efforts to educate your listeners about specific issues, specific bills, and specific narrowly focused groups. But please let us make up our own minds about what place in the political spectrum we occupy and what party we choose to affiliate with. If you return to focusing, on making better people, reducing the incidence of divorce (which, I've seen, represent 50% of your callers) and improving the lives of children, you will indeed be doing a better job of improving the actual, bottomline, real problems that face this country and our world. Leave the politics to your personal circle, the talkmeisters, and the politicians. It really is much more attractive on them. Sandy More >>

Eat Smart, Exercise More Dr. Laura, I listen to your program every day when I'm on my walk and today you read a report about overweight people causing a large rise (60%) in medical costs. The 60% struck a chord with me. My wife and I just returned from a Hawaiian cruise which was wonderful but we were amazed, or rather, shocked at the number of obese passenger on board. We estimated that 60 to 70 percent of the 1900 passengers were obese and maybe 10 percent were morbidly obese. I know it isn't scientific but I was thinking that if the ship was a microcosm of the U.S. population medical costs are only going to continue rising and no President will be able to do anything about it until we as a people start eating smart and exercising more. Keep up the good work, Bill Seal Beach, California More >>

Such Mudslinging! Hello Dr. Laura, I tuned in to your show just at the moment when you were making your commentary on the election. Amen Sister! I cannot agree with you more. In my lifetime, I have not witnessed such mudslinging in a campaign. I could not watch the debates because of this. I would get so angry at listening to these two men bicker (worse than my two kids) and disregard the "real" issues. Forget about special interest groups, what is going to be done for us, the planet, our children? I am no great philosopher but I am concerned that our society has become too "me" oriented. "What do I get out of it?, mentality is running rampant and slowly disintegrating our nation. Responsibility? Accountability? I find these quickly fading. I just want to yell to everyone and our government officials -- "Wake up everyone!" What are you all thinking? We need to become a collective again with purpose. We have such potential. Maybe our current way for government needs to be changed so that the greatest good for the greatest number can be achieved. Why don't these politicians just address the real issues and have a vision of the future of our country? The way things are going distresses me. We have real issues such as: Population -- Are we going to outgrow our resources? Care for our elderly and children? Education. Our Prosperity -- We are getting lazy. We keep lowering the bar on standards. As a result we are loosing our edge economically. If this continues we will have to import, making other countries stronger and at the helm. We need to get fit again. We need a dose of hard love. Fiscally sound -- More education needs to be provided to our children regarding money. One needs to be responsible and not just claim bankruptcy each time people make the choice to spend more than they make. This will help keep everyone more affluent. Same goes for government spending and the loans we have. Environment -- Time to act is now. We need to have changes made nationally and globally to ensure protection of our resources, water, animals and our health as well. Oy vey! Enough! Time to come down from the pulpit. I apologize for providing such a sermon, but these things have been on my mind. Thank you for voicing your opinion. I feel that there are many of us out there that share the same sentiment. Keeping the faith. A Listener More >>

Don't Nag, Remember To Give Thanks Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for the wonderful comments you made about firefighters. My husband of almost 3 years, is MY hero. He is a firefighter second, and a fantastic husband first. Let me be the first to admit the work hours, and the stress level, are hard to adjust to. We know many married couples in the fire department, and many wives who resent their man for the long hours and his absence from his family. Reading your book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" has helped ME very much. I also bought the audio version of your book. While I drive home from work, instead of thinking about my stressful day and the chores that I have to attend to at home, I listen to your book. Your voice reminds me not to nag about how the trash isn't taken out. Not to nag about the grass not being cut. Not to nag about the little things that can be done later, but to thank him for working so hard, and to thank him for coming home safely to me. Thank you for the reinforcement and reminders you give me daily. Jamie More >>

Pretty On The Outside, Ugly On The Inside Dear Dr. Laura: I have heard you mention that you are not sure whether you are making a difference or not in society. You may not be aware of many of us, that you are making a great difference. I do not call in and you do not hear from us. As a married man, I listen to some women who call you with their problems. Some of them have a pretty voice and are most likely pretty to look at. But, when I hear what they say and how they treat men, it makes me appreciate my wife and work extra-hard on my marriage. It seems that they may be pretty on the outside, but are ugly on the inside and that makes than ugly throughout. Thank you, John More >>

On The Presidential Debates#133; Dear Dr. Laura: I was listening to you Sunday morning, and I mean "listening," as I listened to the debate between Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry. Like you, I am stunned at the unnaturalness, pompous, arrogant puppet that is apparently trying to get into history by becoming President. Like you, I believe his wife is not fit to be a First Lady. She has shown herself to-be arrogant, despicable, intolerant and a downright disgusting woman. The thought of her as First Lady would probably want to make me move to another country. I am blind, so I could not see the expressions on either man's face. What I could "see" is the heart in the genuine responses and words of Mr. Bush. Not thought out, but clear in direction, he has led this country day by day, inch by inch, in the most terror-filled times we have ever lived in. When 9/11 hit, where were Mr. Kerry and Teresa Heinz? (I met her husband in the senate years ago.) She just inherited the Heinz fortune. She did not inherit any kind of dignity or ability to lead our country as a First Lady. Mr. Kerry has put our country at great risk with his comments during a war time situation. It is appalling for someone like me. who has listened to, and seen many elections come and go for the first time in American history to have heard, on television, our freedom of speech be abused by this obnoxious, arrogant man who, with his words; could have delivered many of our soldiers and the new incoming prime minister of Iraq into more dangerous hands than ever before by creating this terrible, terrible doubt. My admiration for Mr. Bush and his ability to withhold responding has only increased. Non-partisan, I am just a blind housewife and mother of two sons who are going blind. I send my congratulations to you, your family and every other family whose sons' and daughters' eyes are being used to see for those of us who cannot protect ourselves from this awful terrorist threat we live in. We could not get away if we wanted to. We are blind. After listening last week, I believe Mr. John Kerry and Mrs. Teresa Heinz are far more blind than the 36 million Americans who are visually impaired. Dr. Laura, please keep your faith strong. Your words will live on forever, and they struck me in a place in my heart that has renewed my feelings of admiration I had for our armed forces long ago. Until this terrorist action, I had no reason to think a lot about, it. Now, we do have American men and women who are doing a job that we cannot do. They are laying their lives on the line for us. How could we possibly not honor them and their parents. I hope this message goes on the air to every parent, to every person serving in the military and to everyone abroad who hears this. Every American, and each person of every age and denomination in America is proud of their President, his stand against this horror, and of the attempt of this Iraqi man who is also putting his life on the line, just as your son is for others. Keep up the good work you do. You are very instrumental in speaking for some of us who cannot voice what we feel, and what I felt watching that show was complete desperation. The difference is, I am blind, and could not go out the door and walk around by myself. I was just too afraid of my own resentment against this horrible man. Thanks for taking that walk for me! Sincerely, H. More >>

I Am Receiving More Love In Return... Dr. Laura, I am looking at six roses from My husband of 10 years, and I feel they are a direct result of yoru advice from the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I have been making an effort to be sure he is happy, comfortable, and sexually satisfied. I have started saying, "I am in love with you" rather than "I love you". I can love my parent, my friends, but I am only "In love" with my husband. I know he likes a clean home, so I make sure it is straightened and cleaned when he gets home. I know he likes the dishes washed In the sink. so I do them right away. I know he likes to have a glass of cold water at all times in the evening, so I make sure to bring it to him and keep it full. I know he does not like to talk about work, so I do not nag him about It. When he brings it up, I stop what I am doing and I listen to him. I give him my full attention. This weekend he has gone hunting with his friends and his father. I left him this note! Sweetheart, You we the most important person in my life. You are my soul mate, my companion, my lover, my best friend. I hope you have a fantastic trip with your friends and your Dad. You deserve some relaxation and fun! Enjoy every minute. I am in love with you tons and tons. XXOX(We say tons and tons to each other when we say how much we love each other. It Is our little saying,) I arrived home after he had already left, and he left me six orange roses in a pottery jar, tied with an orange ribbon. I know he arranged this himself because it is our pottery jar. I imagine him finding the jar, tying the ribbon, and writing the card. His card reads, 'Thanks for being such a great wife! I love you tons and tons. XOX' I do not know If he had read my note before or after he bought the roses. It does not matter. What matters is our mutual love for each other after 10 years. I owe It to your advice. I am receiving more love in return for the love I am giving him. In addition, I do not resent caring for him. I want to do It because he means so much to me. Thank you Dr. Laura! Carolyn More >>