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Years ago I used to ride a sick wave of anxiousness and panic. My panic was over relationships, money, my children and their safety, my safety, etc etc. It was a wave that would knock me over and send me tumbling toward a sea of despair and terror. As I struggled to get up, my head popping out of the water, I would fix my hopes on whatever might save me. I usually ended up either dragging them under with me with my anxious behavior or they would hit at me and push me away, in rage or fear. Then I would be overcome by another wave. I would freak and then need reassurance from people that 'we' were okay, they didn't 'hate' me. I was soooo needy and panicky and 'weird' when it would happen. I would push people away, with my need to be okay and reassured. I was in such a panic that I was reading things into EVERYTHING they said, did, didn't say, didn't do, how they looked at me, etc, etc. I knew that I was being weird, knew I sounded weird, wanted to not be that way or talk that way, but couldn't stop just like a person drowning can't stop at grabbing at whatever or whomever in their fight to stay on top of the water. The failure, the 'drowning', is in not getting help to figure out how to cope. Getting the right tools to deal is a lifesaver. At some point I decided to be pro-active, not reactive. It has been and sometimes is still hard work. For me, I recognize what is going on and am sometimes able to calm down and get on with life before it escalates into this scenario. If it gets past that point, I also have a friend that I can call. We talk, she is patient, she helps me sort out truth from fear, and I deal. I breathe deep. I hold still. If I regress and stumble when a wave of anxiousness hits me, it is not as bad as it was years ago. I feel the panic burn in my eyes and throat. I deal, not flail. I breath in the salty air, not suck the poisonous water. I stand up, and hold still. I might regress, but my progress holds me on the beach. I feel the water pulling away from under my feet back toward the ocean. But, I stand. I don't get dragged out to the sea anymore. Your books have hit a chord with me and have helped me use my oxygen to sing instead of whine. My song sometimes is weak, off key and trembling, but, I still sing. Even off key the notes are much more pleasurable to me (and others!) than the annoying whine, whine, whine that used to omit through my mouth. Life is still life. But instead of struggling against it, wasting my life feeding the fear, I choose to feed life! I LIVE! Whine less, choose to live and breathe deep. Blessings to you and yours, Tara |
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