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Subject: |
Anxiety Usually Has A Payoff |
| Date: |
2009-10-27
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Anxiety Usually Has A Payoff
Dear Dr. Laura,
I talked to you a few months ago. I'm the mother of young twins that was overly cautious and stressing myself out. You told me that anxiety usually has a payoff and that comment alone helped me to see the real problem. We then peeled back the layers of the onion and I discovered I was acting nervous and anxious to make sure I have people around me taking care of me. Your advice was that I probably once needed this behavior in the past, but that I don't need it anymore. People are around me and taking care of me for the right reasons now. You then asked me to prove you right.
Well, I am writing you to prove you right. I was subconsciously having anxiety on purpose. I know that is an oxymoron, but it is true. I didn't know it was possible to do something on purpose, without knowing I was doing it on purpose!
I hope to reiterate your point, "ANXIETY USUALLY HAS A PAYOFF"! I soon realized that I didn't need to tell my husband how stressful my day was to get him home on time. I didn't need to tell everyone how exhausting twins can be for a little extra help. I didn't need to have a trial, to get some love, help, and attention.
Upon stopping this behavior, the help with the twins has not subsided. In addition to this, my husband is even more sensitive to my feelings than he was when I was a "neurotic wreck", as you put it. People care about me even on my good days that are calm and uneventful.
I learned that I subconsciously thought anxiety had a payoff. But, I now learned from you, that not being hyper and anxious has even greater payoffs. The payoff I looked for while I had anxiety was me seeking some sort of attention a child needs. The payoff I gain from not being anxious is the attention a mother of two, a wife, and an adult needs. I don't need to fill some void from my childhood and continue to seek that sort of attention. That is over, and I was creating another void by denying myself what I need as an adult because I was busy trying to fill what I needed as a child. It is okay to pack away my childhood and consider it void. It is okay to enjoy and fill all my needs as an adult now instead.
It is okay to move away from a sad past, even if it still hurts. It is okay, to enjoy what I have today because I had the sense to surround myself with good people when I finally had the chance to choose who I want to be with.
Thank you! Your advice opened my eyes and I was able to save myself a lot of heart ache in the future from exhausting everyone around me.
Regards,
A.
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