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Subject: |
Dad's Different in New Marriage |
| Date: |
2009-08-18
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Dad's Different in New Marriage
Hi, I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger and welcome to my YouTube channel, where I get to answer your questions. And this one [sniffles] makes me sad:
“Hi my name is Kate, I'm 13 and I need your advice. My question is: how can I get my dad to realize I'm not happy with what he has become after getting remarried to somebody else? My dad used to be fun and spontaneous, but ever since he got remarried I rarely even want to go over his house, because it's just not fun to be there. He‘s now a super clean freak [I doubt he’s the one who’s a super clean freak (laughs)] and most of our time is spent cleaning or talking about new rules. I've even written my dad a letter about how I feel, but he seems to be putting his new wife first. My brother and I just aren't having fun. I can't even go to dinner with him without being lectured or talked to about rules. This is much different from the way we used to live [I bet it is]. I'm upset that his new wife seems to make the rules and my dad won't stick up for his kids. What can I say to my dad to make him realize we're not happy?”
It sounds to me like you’ve already said it. One of the horrible realities of parents divorcing and one of them re-marrying is that that other person often becomes the focal point of their lives. And children, sadly, take a back seat. And I think you need to be boldly honest with him: “Dad, I don’t want to come over and spend time at your house. Tell us when you want to just take us somewhere…a water park, a zoo….somewhere where we can just hang together and have some fun…go out on a picnic, whatever it is, but we just want to be with you outside of your home. Because when we go to your home, you’re a prisoner of your new life with ‘everything is clean’ and rules, and we’re not enjoying the time with you. And it’s precious time.” You need to be blunt and give the alternative. That’s very important.
When you’re complaining about something, it’s really important to give an alternative, or an example or an idea of what would be good to do instead of what’s happening. And it might just be that you’re going to have to say, “Well then, we’ll wait to come and see you until you want to do those kind of activities with us”, to sort of push him.
It’s sad to me (and this is why I push so hard for no divorces when there are kids, because kids usually end up with the microscopic end of that stick). I wish you well. I wish you could come visit me; we’d have a lot of fun together! But do the best you can with what you have. Lots of kisses.
I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger. See you next time.
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