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Subject: |
Married, But In Love With Ex |
| Date: |
2009-09-01
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Married, But In Love With Ex
Hi, I'm Dr. Laura. Welcome to my YouTube channel, where I get to answer your questions. Here's from Deadra:
I'm married and I picked a great man and a loving father. [That's the first of the two parts of how you have a great marriage. You choose wisely.] At first, the passion was there. My life was crazy and when things started to slow down, I began to realize that I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who I believe was my soul mate. I can't figure out if the reason I'm still so connected to him is because he was my steady beau from the time I was 15 to 19 [Most mature part of our lives, right?] -- you know, all of the major high school moments. Is that why I am still in love with him? [You keep using the word "love"...?] I dream about him and he invades my thoughts. Is this normal or do I have a problem? I know this can't be good for my marriage.
Understatement! Look, you sound like a person who always needs everything to be [makes high-pitched "whee!" noise], and life isn't like that. And "love" isn't what you're feeling for your ex-boyfriend, it's kind of what I call the "escape mode". We have responsibilities now, we have obligations...there's a bunch of familiarity. There's a little bit of hum-drum each day as we start doing things that become routine, so it becomes fun to think of a time in our life when we were un-fettered by any obligation. It was just whatever the moment was. I don't call that love.
And let me explain something about love. If you're waiting to have a feeling all of the time, we're all going to grow old together in rocking chairs. If you're wanting to sustain a feeling, well that comes from how you behave. If your husband walks in the house and you wrap your body around him at the front door, trust me, you'll suddenly remember the feeling of love.
So it's all in how you're going to behave, not in some, frankly, silly memories from teenage-hood. That isn't about love, it's more about fun and excitement, which you need to bring daily into your marriage. So every day when he walks through the door, think of some other cute way to be adorable. You won't be dreaming about your boyfriend from high school anymore. Besides, didn't he have acne?
I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger, watch for our next YouTube.
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