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Subject: |
Test Driving the Intimacy Ride Before Marriage |
| Date: |
2009-11-17
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Test Driving the Intimacy Ride Before Marriage
Dr. L: [Walking Bebe, the dog.] You see, humans text message with their thumbs, but dogs leave little [laughs] trails of aromas that let each other...Leave a text message, Bebe, or read one. No? All right.
Kimberly Neill: [Laughs]
Dr. L: All right, Kimberly, did anyone send us a message?
Kimberly: We did. We got a message from Patti. She says:
"I know that having sex before marriage is no guarantee of having a satisfying sex life after marriage, but do you run a risk by waiting until marriage? How can you be sure of 'choosing wisely' in this important regard if you don't go for a test drive?"
Dr. L: [Laughs] How many test drives can you do?
Kimberly: [Laughs]
Dr. L: That's a very good question, and there are people who have emotional problems, there are people who have physical problems, there are people who can lie to you for a while and let you think that they're comfortable with sexuality and open about it. And I think one of the most important things is people don't talk about sex. You know? They don't ask the question like, "My dear..."
Kimberly: "Yes..."
Dr. L: "Are you comfortable..."
Kimberly: "Yes."
Dr. L: "With kissing and hugging..." [Laughs]
Kimberly: [Laughs]
Dr. L: [Gestures towards Kimberly] She's engaged.
"Are you comfortable..." People don't talk specifically about sex. "Do you like sex? Do you have any negative feelings about sex? Are you worried about sex? Have you had any sexual issues? Sexual problems?" And, for example, women who say they've been sexually molested as kids often have negativity about sexuality. These are things people ought to know before they get involved with each other because usually it comes out during the marriage that, you know, they couldn't punish that person back then so they punish their husbands. It's complex.
You don't need to test drive because that just tells you a couple of times. What you need to know happens during a marriage where there are ups and downs and sideways, but the people turn to each other, to comfort each other and be passionate for each other.
Is the person a very giving person? You can sort of tell how somebody is going to be sexually by how they are very giving and attentive and sweet, and touching and affectionate. You don't need to test drive it to learn most of what you need to know.
No doubt, sometimes there are going to be surprises and disappointments. But I think, on the overall, the letters that I have gotten over 32 years of doing this, the people who have waited felt like they were giving a very special thing to each other that was unique and meaningful to their commitment. And there is something beautiful about that. [Clears her throat] Excuse me...I get choked up. It isn't all about the [does a little dance] "Does it feel good". It's about, "Did I make you feel good."
We'll be back. We may talk about sex next time too, I don't know. We'll see how it goes.
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