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Subject: |
A Message From Your Brok . . . er . . . Financial Advisor |
| Date: |
2008-11-24
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A Message From Your
Brok . . . er . . . Financial Advisor
By Cliff Ennico
www.creators.com
Hi, all. I just returned from an investment conference where for
four days from 9 AM to 3PM (when I usually manage your accounts), I
listened to numerous industry experts, economists, strategists, money
managers and analysts from our company, its affiliated investment
funds, and a couple of "screamers" from CNN, who discussed the current
economic environment. Even though these were the same people who
loaded us up with mortgage-backed securities and forced us to be sold
off to The First National Bank of Southern North Carolina earlier this
year, we have every reason to believe these are the right people to
help us through some challenging times, especially now that they're no
longer worried about their jobs and can focus 100% on the task of
rebuilding our company with your money.
The consensus was the same: no one had expected or experienced a
time such as what we are now going through. As for how long it
will last, the experts were also in agreement: "sure beats the
Heck out of us". Having gotten that out of the way, the panelists
then told us (and you) what you should do in these difficult times.
In his opening address (titled "Oopsie! Didn't See That One
Coming"), our president O. Leo Leahy said: "I know a lot of
people say that we're stockbrokers, and that the primary duty of a
stockbroker is to get their clients into the market when it's down, and
get them out of the market when it's up. Which means that you all
should have put your client's funds 100% in cash in the first quarter
of 2008. But we are NOT stockbrokers. We leave that
business to the 'day traders' and that's what you need to tell your
clients right now. What we are . . . are . . . FINANCIAL
ADVISORS, which means we are bound by the higher laws of finance to
focus on the longer term, no matter how much the World may be crashing
around our ears today!"
Virtually all experts felt that the markets bottomed on October 10th
and that we are going through a "retesting" of that bottom.
"You've seen bottoms before," said Leahy, "and you're looking at one
now. We may see several more bottoms before we see the real
bottom. But let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that when
the Dow Jones Industrial Average hits zero, we are absolutely certain
that will be the last bottom, and the market will have nowhere to go
but up!"
The experts also were optimistic about the nation's political
future. "Now that the 2008 election is over, the 2012
Presidential race is under way, and it becomes ever more likely we will
be a one party state within the next few years," said Leahy, "we will
NEVER, EVER AGAIN be plagued by market-disrupting election year
uncertainties, and will be able to focus our full attention on growing
assets for our Government to take over. That way, the Chinese will be
sure to buy our assets in 20 years and 'the World will be as one'."
So what does an investor do now? The experts were unanimous that
what you should do now is to "stay the course" and keep putting what
little money you have into the stock market. They gave four
reasons for this:
- any roller coaster rider knows the ride down is a lot more
thrilling than the ride up;
- you will make it easier for the "day traders" to get THEIR money
out before the market tanks;
- the market is bound to go up again someday, and you will recoup
your losses (assuming, of course, you have some cash to buy stocks with
and can handle a 50% capital gains tax); and
- hey, if you put everything in cash there won't be anything for us
to do, and nothing for the experts to talk about.
You should also remember if your account balance falls below our
investment "minimum" we will have to terminate our relationship and you
will be on your own.
Look at it this way: if you put money into the stock market in October
1930, the depths of the last big "R", and kept it invested until
October 2008, you would have DOUBLED your money and would be able to
retire at the still young age of 112! We have every confidence
you will be able to do the same in this market.
So have a good week and please try not to listen to the financial
entertainment networks, your barber, your manicurist or your
doorman! Whom would you rather believe . . . them, or
professionals like us?
One more thing: we are pleased to announce a new investment
product from The First National Bank of Southern North Carolina.
It's called a "Christmas Chanukah Kwanzaa Saturnalia Club". You
open an account on January 1, put in One Dollar every week, and when
the holidays roll around you have . . . not Fifty-Two Dollars but . . .
(wait for it) . . . FIFTY-THREE DOLLARS to spend on holiday cheer,
thanks to the miracle of compound interest!
Please make an appointment with me to discuss this exciting new product
at your convenience. I'll be at Teller Cage # 3.
Cliff Ennico (cennico@legalcareer.com)
is a syndicated columnist, author and former host of the PBS television
series 'Money Hunt'. This column is no substitute for legal, tax or
financial advice, which can be furnished only by a qualified
professional licensed in your state. To find out more about Cliff
Ennico and other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit our
Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 CLIFFORD R. ENNICO. DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE,
INC. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
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