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Subject: |
The Dangers Of Over Parenting |
| Date: |
2009-03-01
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The Dangers Of Over
Parenting
By Carl Pickhardt
www.carlpickhardt.com
It's a risk parents run particularly with a first child, an only child,
a last child at home, a child in crisis, or a child with special needs:
becoming so absorbed in, preoccupied by, and invested in that single
child that they over parent to formative effect.
What is Over-Parenting?
Over-parenting occurs when parents carry some concern or care-taking
behavior to such an extreme degree that the child reacts with an
extremely troublesome response. For example: parents who treat their
child as especially fragile may raise a child who is unduly
risk-averse. What's called for in this case, of course, is for parents
to moderate their absorption and preoccupation so that the child learns
to remain responsibly aware of her condition, but not so frightened by
it that fear prevents safe and normal growth.
Common Examples of Over-Parenting:
- In response to over
solicitous parents, a child can become extremely sensitive and easily
upset. "I get treated so carefully by my parents that I get easily hurt
when not treated with that degree of consideration by other people."
- In response to over-critical
parents, a child can become extremely judgmental and self-critical. "I
can never do well enough to satisfy my parents, am really hard on
myself and other people say that I am too hard on them."
- In response to over-giving
parents who keep setting their own self-interest aside for their son's
or daughter's sake, a child can become extremely exploitive: "I expect
other people to do more for me than I should do for them."
- In response to
over-ambitious parents who treat their child's achievements as their
own, a child can become extremely driven. "My parents always want 'the
best for me' which really means 'the best from me,' so I work very hard
not to disappoint their expectations, putting myself under a lot of
stress."
- In response to
over-protective parents who continually restrict their son or
daughter's freedom out of worry of worldly harm, a child can become
extremely anxious and cautious. "I don't feel safe going on adventures
like my friends because all I can think about is how I might get hurt."
- In response to
over-controlling parents who want involvement in all the child's
choices to ensure good decisions are made, the child can become
extremely dependent and passively resistant. "I've learned to let my
parents take responsibility for me, and when I don't like their choices
I agree with what they say, but take forever to do what they want."
- In response to insecure
parents who can't stand displeasing the boy or girl by saying "no," a
child can become extremely wed to immediate gratification, acting very
willful to that end. "Because I'm used to getting my way with my
parents, I don't let them refuse what I want."
- In response to over-praising
parents who can't say enough good to their child about that boy or
girl's smallest accomplishment, the child can come to believe these
rave reviews from parents and develop a degree of grandiosity. "I know
I can do great things because my parents always tell me so, and when I
don't I really feel let down."
- In response to
over-permissive parents who want their child to have maximum freedom of
self-determination to grow, a child can become intolerant of outside
authority and the demands and restraints that are in force outside of
the home. "I was allowed to live by own rules and can't stand being
told what I must and cannot do."
- In response to overbearing
parents who enforce absolute compliance to their strict beliefs, a
child can become rigidly conservative and demanding of others. "I
always act 'right' according to the rules I've been taught to follow,
and I expect others to do like me."
- In response to over-enabling
parents who continually keep the child from confronting consequences of
unwise or wrongful choices, a child can act with irresponsible abandon
and impunity, confident of parental rescue should bad outcomes occur.
"If I get into trouble I know my parents will get me out."
There is also an implication for
discipline here. A lot of times, the more extreme a child's behavior,
the more extreme measures parents take in response, the more extreme
the child feels justified in acting, as a bad situation becomes worse.
Thus the more obstinate the child acts, the more punitively the parents
react, the more stubbornly resolved the child becomes to remain
resistant, the more punitive the parents become, and so on. In this
case, parents would probably have been better served by at least
allowing some communication about the differences at issue so other
options for resolving the opposition might be explored.
So what's the point of the above examples? Simply this: there's a
cautionary lesson that over parenting has to teach. If you find your
child to be extremely characterized by a trait that has more harmful
influence than good, check out your parenting. You may be over
parenting in some complicit way to your child's cost. Moderate your own
behavior and you may be able to help your child moderate his or her own.
© Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.
Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. is the
author of 12 parenting books and is a psychologist in private
counseling and lecturing practice in Austin, Texas. His most recent
three books are: THE CONNECTED FATHER (about parenting adolescents), THE
FUTURE OF YOUR ONLY CHILD (about growing up 'only'), and STOP
THE SCREAMING (about family conflict.) His earlier book, KEYS
TO SUCCESSFUL STEPFATHERING continues to be the definitive book on
the subject. Carl writes a Blog for PsychologyToday.com. For more
information visit www.carlpickhardt.com. Permission granted for use
on DrLaura.com.
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