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Subject: |
How to Offer Children Choices Within Limits |
| Date: |
2009-04-13
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How to Offer Children
Choices Within Limits
by Jody Johnston Pawel,
LSW, CFLE
www.ParentsToolshop.com
Choices
are the best tool for preventing and stopping power struggles and
rebellion.
There are a few ways that parents can run into problems, however, so
here are a few guidelines for using choices effectively.
- Don't give a choice if there is no choice.
"Do you want to take your medicine?" sounds like the child has a
choice. Instead, say "You need to take this medicine.... Do you want
chewable or liquid?" Or "...Do you want to take it before or after
eating?" Or "...What drink to you want to 'chase' it down?" You don't
need to offer all of these choices. I'm giving several example so you
can see that even in a situation where a child "has to" do something
there is often some way the child can have some choice or control,
which prevents power struggles.
Rule-of-thumb:
If there is no choice IF something needs to happen, offer choices for
HOW or WHEN it happens.
- State your bottom line (the minimum
standards that must occur, what is non-negotiable). Then offer choices
within those limits. Your limits will usually relate to safety, health,
rules, rights, things like that. Those are issues you can and need to
control.
- Allow the child to offer choices.
"We can have meatloaf or fish for dinner, unless you have an idea for
something nutritious and delicious." Remember to state your bottom
line, unless there are truly unlimited choices. Don't be overly rigid
about forcing children to pick one of your choices. Any choice that
meets your bottom line is okay, because your goal is to reach a win/win
solution.
- Make the choices respectful to both parent
and child. If we say "Either quit throwing the ball in the house
or I'll take it away," we are making a threat, not offering a
respectful, fair choice. An effective, mutually respectful choice would
be, "You can either play with the ball outside or with another toy
inside. You decide." Here, parents address their safety concerns and
respect the child’s need or desire to play.
Troubleshooting
Tips
- If we say "Do you want milk
or juice" and children say, "I want both," we can say, "Which one
first?"
- If children persist, we can
say, "You can decide or I'll decide for you and you might not like what
I decide."
- If children don't like the
choice they made, acknowledge their disappointment and remind them that
they can choose another option next time.
- If a child tends to change
his/her mind, confirm the choice and your expectation that he/she
sticks with it. For example, say "Okay, you chose cereal, right? Once I
pour the milk on the cereal, I expect you to eat it."
One final note about choices: Some
parents have so much success using choices within limits that they use
it in every situation. They forget that in some situations another tool
may be more appropriate. Don't overuse choices or feel you have to give
children a choice about everything. Use them within reasonable limits.
Jody
Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent
educator and president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting. She is the
author of 100+ resources for parents and family service professionals,
including her award-winning book, The
Parent's Toolshop, at www.ParentsToolshop.com. Since 1980, Jody has trained parents
and professionals through her dynamic presentations and served as
internationally recognized parenting expert to the media
worldwide. Get practical parenting resources, including more
information about this topic
at: http://www.parentstoolshop.com/tele/telearchive.htm. Permission
granted for use
on DrLaura.com.
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