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Subject: |
The Art of Allowing: Parent Control from the Inside Out |
| Date: |
2009-04-27
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The Art of Allowing:
Parent Control from the Inside Out
By Chick Moorman and
Thomas Haller
www.uncommon-parenting.com
The
old parenting paradigm calls on the parent to control the child. Be in
charge. Make the decisions. Set the rules. Enforce those rules.
Exercise your rightful parenting authority or your children will become
unruly, undisciplined, and out of control.
But hold on. What if it isn't so? What if a controlling parenting style
breeds resistance, resentment, and reluctance? What if it creates
defiance or the opposite, blind obedience? What if it fails to produce
children who think for themselves, develop a healthy inner-authority,
and become decisionally literate?
The power struggles or meek compliance resulting from a heavy parenting
control style often breed strained relationships, unempowered children,
and frustrated parents. If you are not enamored with the results of
attempting to control your children, you might want to examine a shared
control style that often leaves the parent with more control than they
had to begin with. Consider the art of allowing.
Allow your children by…
- Offering controlled choices. "You
can pick the sweatshirt with the hood or the heavy sweater. You
decide." "We are having milk for dinner. Would you like to choose
the pink cup or the green one? The parent controls the choice and the
child is allowed to have some
control over his own life.
- Instigate opportunities for consensus
seeking. Allow
children to have input on where you go on vacation, how you divide
household chores or when the family participates in study time. By
having some say they learn to use their voice to help create the life
they desire.
- Eliminate commands. "Turn the
TV off," can be replaced with "It's time for bed." That change of
language allows the child to make the choice to turn off the TV. "I am
being bothered by the noise in the other room," is less commanding
than, "Quiet down." "I am being bothered by the noise in the
other room," communicates without words, "I think you are smart enough
to figure out what to do." It allows
the child to come up with an appropriate response.
- Ask questions. "Why do you think
that?" "How are you going to handle that?" "What do you think you will
do next time?" These types of questions allow the child to do the thinking.
- Show empathy and compassion. Resist
running in immediately with solutions. Stop offering unsolicited
advice. Show compassion first by leading with empathy. "That must
really be frustrating," allows
the child to hear your concern and empathy and prevents you from
saying, "You need to tell your teacher you need help." "What a shame.
That's terrible, communicates the empathy that allows the child to feel the
feeling rather that having to consider your solution to their problem.
- Don't care. Stop caring if your
child completes her homework or not. If she chooses not to do it at
school then she is choosing to do it on Saturday. Allow her to care whether or not
she has a free Saturday. If you do all the caring she doesn't have to.
- See it all as perfect. If she does
her work at school, it is perfect. She is learning to budget her time
and take care of her own responsibilities. If she doesn't do it at
school, it is still perfect. It is the perfect time to help her
appreciate the cause and effect relationship that exists in your home. Allow her to be the cause of how
she spends her Saturday.
- Let the consequence do the teaching.
If you son forgets to pack his tooth guard in his equipment bag and
doesn't have it for Karate, allow
him to experience the consequences of his actions. Do not buy a new
one. Do not drive him home to get it. Do not rescue him. Allow him, without lecture or
reprimand, to feel the results of his actions. him to make
the connection himself.
- Speak softly. When you volume is
turned up, yelling or shouting, your child focuses on your anger rather
than on your words. They look at your behavior rather than at their
own. Allow them to look
within by taking the focus away from yourself by speaking softly.
- Allow your child to learn her own lesson.
If the lesson does not involve a health or safety issue assume that she
is the best judge of what she needs to learn. You may want her to do
her chores in a timely fashion. She may decide she needs to learn what
happens when she ignores her chores. You may think she needs to learn
how to create a report on Switzerland. She may know she'll benefit more
from learning what happens when she turns her report in late. Trust you
child to attract the appropriate lesson and allow her to experience it.
Any force or control produces a
counter force. Reduce power struggles, lessen resistance, and build
mutual respect by stepping out of the need to control. Use the ideas
above to allow yourself to allow your children to take greater
control of their lives. It will help them grow toward becoming
responsible, empowered, and self-reliant young adults.
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.
They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising
responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly
e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about
how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit
their websites today: www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com They publish a free Uncommon Parenting
blog at www.uncommon-parenting.com. Permission
granted for use
on DrLaura.com.
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