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Subject: |
Setting Limits |
| Date: |
2009-05-25
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Setting Limits
By Armin Brott
www.mrdad.com
Dear
Mr. Dad: My wife and I have been talking a lot about the importance of
setting limits for our two children, ages 5 and 7. We know we must do
this but we aren't sure how to go about it, especially since the kids
continually challenge us on every new rule. But it's so exhausting. Any
suggestions?
A: You're absolutely right to
be talking about setting limits. Boundaries are essential for raising
well-behaved kids, especially in this age of "anything goes." I wish
you had started your discussions a few years ago (and you probably do
too), but it's never too late.
Why is it so important for parents to set boundaries–and for the
children to respect them? Well, start by thinking of your family in a
larger context. Every civilized society has rules and regulations. Some
may be reasonable and others less so, but just imagine what the world
would be like if everyone made and followed their own rules, while
ignoring and breaking everyone else's. (To a child, that might sound
like paradise, but as adults, we can hopefully see the larger picture.)
Unfortunately, children aren't born with a pre-loaded set of rules. So
if we don't teach them the difference between good and bad behavior,
healthy and dangerous habits, kind and hurtful actions, how will they
ever know what's positive and acceptable and what isn't?
Okay, now that we've got the philosophy of limit-setting down, let's
talk about how to start establishing rules and how to make sure they're
the right ones for your family. Here are some guidelines I think you'll
find helpful:
- Boundaries should be
reasonable and clear to a child. It's sometimes a delicate balancing
act, but you've got to find the middle ground between being too lenient
and too strict.
- Limits should be
age-appropriate. What works now for your 5 and 7-year-old, won't work
for a teen. And in fact, what works for your 5 year old probably won't
work for the 7 year old.
- Be flexible. As your
children get older, you'll need to modify your house rules accordingly.
- Make sure the kids
understand why each rule is necessary. You may say, for example, that
they're not allowed to go to a friend's house alone because they're too
young to cross the street by themselves. Explaining the reason behind
each boundary will show them that you don't make the rules arbitrarily
just to curtail their freedom, but, rather, to protect them in a
potentially unsafe environment. That said, make sure your children
understand that while you're happy to discuss certain rules, there are
some--health and safety issues, for example--that are non-negotiable.
- Establish clear consequences
for breaking rules. Kids have to be held accountable for their actions
so they grow into responsible and trustworthy adults. When--not
if--they test the boundaries or break the rules, be prepared to enforce
the consequences right away. If you don't, the kids will learn that
breaking rules is okay or that there's always one more "last warning."
That's not a lesson that will serve them well in adulthood, when the
consequences for bending or breaking the rules will be harsher.
All in all, setting boundaries
isn't going to be easy--we want our children to love us and don't want
them to be mad at us, which is exactly what will happen when they
inevitably bang up against the rules. But it's our job to stand firm.
The result will be more respectful, better-mannered kids who will grow
into responsible, likeable adults.
Armin Brott is America's most trusted
Dad™. He's the author of seven bestselling books on fatherhood.
He has written for dozens of major publications such as Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, Men's Health, and Parenting Magazine, and appeared on
hundreds of radio and television shows including Today, Fox News, CBS
Overnight, and Politically Incorrect. Armin has taken his experience as
the father of three beautiful children, interviews with thousands of
fathers just like you, and with the very latest research, and written
books specifically for Dads. www.mrdad.com
Permission
granted for use
on DrLaura.com.
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