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Subject: |
Find Your Unique Parenting Style |
| Date: |
2009-08-24
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Find Your Unique
Parenting Style
by Leslie Godwin, MFCC
lesliegodwin.com
You've read the books, listened to your mom, fended off your in-laws,
and gotten advice from your girlfriends, pediatrician and
hairdresser. Now it’s time to tune into your intuition and
discover your unique parenting style.
This process is a lot like figuring out your career path, or what a
good marriage means to you. You take in a variety of helpful
advice, tips, and examples from mentors and parents, and after you’ve
looked outside for answers, it’s time to look within to your inner
wisdom for guidance.
Here are some tips to help you make this a more conscious process.
1. Pick your battles
While pulling her whining three year-old son off of her leg, a friend
recently asked me what is the single best parenting tip I could give
anyone struggling with their young child. Pick your battles
instantly came to mind.
I think there are several reasons for this being at the top of my list:
- We don’t have enough energy
to fight every battle.
- Our kids tune out so quickly
that strategic strikes work best. ("When you are rough with the
dog, she'll be rough, too. Let's try petting her gently.")
And boys tune out twice as fast as girls, so you do well to speak in a
telegraphic style. ("Stop! Pet her gently.")
- When you don't focus your
energy on the issues you care about most, you water down your limited
parenting power.
- If you try to address too
many issues, you'll probably be spending a lot of time nagging,
reminding, and let's be honest, annoying your child. If you want
your home to be your child's and spouse's safe haven, pick one or two
battles and call it a day.
I've found it helpful to write
down what I most care about when it comes to parenting my three
year-old son. Character was clearly the big ticket item. So
I do my best to keep my nagging in perspective. If he's
(basically) a good guy, (usually) only "fights" bad guys, is kind to
animals and (mostly) respectful to adults, I'm doing my job. If
his room is messy and he hasn't learned three words that start with the
letter "C" yet, I'm not going to stress out.
2. Use your intuition
Like the cartoon character with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on
the other, we each host an inner battle between opposing voices.
One is our inner critic. That's the one that tells you that you
really should fit into your skinny jeans by now. Or that you'll
never be an artist, so don't bother signing up for the painting
workshop you've dreamed about taking.
Our positive inner voice is our intuition. That's the calm, wise
voice we hear when we know it's time to take a deep breath before we
yell at our child. It also lets us know that it must be naptime
or snacktime before our child knows he's sleepy or hungry.
Mother's intuition doesn't kick in right away. I was a parenting
"expert" for 13 years before I had my first child, and it still took me
over a year as a new mom to be able to count on it. But we can
develop our intuition and learn to ignore our inner critic.
Each time you tune into your intuition, you're reinforcing it.
After you do this over and over again, your intuition will get stronger
and you'll gain confidence in it.
3. Take a break when you've reached
the breaking point
You can't use your intuition when you're anxious or your baby is crying
(I know that is redundant.) If you have a hard time pulling
yourself away when you're getting into a power struggle, and most of us
do, form the habit by asking a trusted friend to let you know when you
need to take a breather.
Once you get used to doing this both you and your child will anticipate
when it's time to settle yourself down. By the way, this is the
best strategy to teach your child to use a time out to settle
themselves down. I don't always succeed, but I try not to make a
time out a punishment. It's a consequence, but it's also a method
our children can use to calm themselves.
The bonus round of this technique is to build in breaks before you
reach your breaking point. This isn't natural, and it's not
always attainable, but if you have a laser focus on taking care of
yourself so you can be the mom your child needs, more often than not
you can find a way to get a half hour break, take a shower, or even
squeeze in a nap.
I used to feel guilty when my husband watched my son so I could get a
nap. (This was my inner critic at work.) But once I
realized that my husband preferred interrupting his workday to having a
cranky wife, I let go of the guilt and when I need to nap and he's home
I can count on him helping me out.
4. Set your sights on the big picture.
Think about what you most hope your child's values and character will
be when they're 15, 25, and 45 years old. What does this look
like? How can you model those values now?
I've done a lot of coaching with entrepreneurs to grow their businesses
while putting their families first. One consistent challenge is
developing the ability to switch back and forth between the big picture
and day-to-day tasks. Without the big picture, they can't lead
others or guide their business. And of course, if they don't pay
the bills, clean the office, and return phone calls, they have no
business to grow.
It's hard to balance getting through each day -- making meals and
snacks, chauffeuring our children to and from activities, and doing
loads of laundry -- with shepherding our children from helpless infancy
to becoming responsible, decent, and caring adults.
I believe the secret to both of these challenges is to start with the
big picture. Then spell out what that looks like in your
day-to-day life. Break your goals down and include them in your
weekly and daily calendar to-do lists. Then fit in the rest of
your chores and activities.
5. Pray, practice your faith, and ask
for guidance if you are spiritual.
Don't you try to ask the most qualified source possible for whatever
has you puzzled or overwhelmed? Sometimes that's a pediatrician,
sometimes your spouse, but often it's God. Not everyone
identifies with asking God for parenting advice, and I absolutely
respect that. But if you are spiritual, think about when it's
best to ask your Higher Power for guidance. If you're not
spiritual, you might substitute your inner wisdom or intuition
here.
What responses do you get? How do they change or reinforce what
you're doing? Our children are a gift and a blessing. Going
to the source of wisdom is the best way I know to stay in touch with
that fact and act like the guardian of body and soul that we are for
our children.
And I've discovered that he is teaching me to be a mother, if I only
listen -- not necessarily to what he's asking for, but to what he needs
from me and the kind of person he needs me to be. For that I'm
grateful beyond words.
"Five Secrets to Keeping
Your Patience with your Challenging Child" by Leslie Godwin, MFCC (lesliegodwin.com)
excerpted from "The Ultimate Mom" by Maria Bailey with permission.
© Health Communications, Inc. Permission granted for use on
DrLaura.com
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