|
Giving Up the Fantasy
of the Perfect Mate
What REAL Marriages Are All About
By Sharon M. Rivkin, MA, MFT
www.sharonrivkin.com
We all seem to think that we need to find our perfect mate or soul mate. But does a perfect
mate even exist and, if so, does this mean that the only way to be
happy is to find this perfect soul mate? What if you don't?
What if you spend your entire life looking, only to end up alone in
your fantasy delusion because you didn't find him/her? Are we
really searching for fantasy in our relationships?
To some degree, I think most of us have bought into the fairytale myth
that we will find Prince or Princess Charming and AUTOMATICALLY live
happily ever after. This belief in fantasy,
soul mates, and the perfect
partner, are all contributors to being unhappy and dissatisfied
in our marriages. We want the fantasy mate and most relationships
begin with perfect bliss with the perfect partner. But when this
fantasy starts to fade into reality after the first 6 months of a
relationship, we're disappointed, try desperately to keep the fantasy
alive by sweeping disagreements under the rug, or start looking
elsewhere for that perfect mate. But the perfect mate really
doesn't exist…except in our fantasies. Our fantasies are always
more compelling than our reality that can become boring, repetitive,
filled with logistics, bills, jobs and dirty dishes. Fantasy is
filled with feelings of being on top of the world, of things coming to
us easily, of soaring, and feeling our hearts are full of love
24/7. Who wouldn't choose fantasy over reality and hold onto it
as long as we can?
So, how do we get over this desire for fantasy, the desire to feel that
in love feeling ALL the
time? How do we make a REAL marriage work and simultaneously keep
the love alive when reality of the everyday chores, struggles, and
inconsistencies of our partner sets in? Here are 7 truths to
remember about REAL marriages when the fantasy turns into reality:
1.
Real marriages are based on a solid foundation of mutual love, respect,
and an understanding of differences in your partner. It is based
on two people being balanced in their individual strength and their
ability to share and connect with their partner.
2. Real
marriages are able to handle the hard aspects of life through open
communication and realistic expectations.
3. Real
marriages are based on two WHOLE people enhancing each other, rather
than two people EXPECTING their partner to complete them: filling in
their weak spots, rescuing them, or taking care of them at their own
expense.
4. Real
marriages are two people who know they are human and, therefore, know
that everyone makes mistakes and likewise exhibits tolerance for this
humanness.
5. Real
marriages are based on the deep knowledge that it's a give and take
from both partners. They know themselves and take responsibility
for their actions, rather than projecting onto their partner who they
feel their partner should be.
6. Real
marriages are about companionship, appreciating your partner's
differences and uniqueness, and knowing that love is deeper than only
sexual desire and feeling madly in
love all the time.
7. Real
marriages are about knowing and loving yourself so that you don't need
a fantasy partner or a perfect mate to complete
your life. You instead need a partner who enhances your life and
adds to it.
Lasting, REAL marriages are based on a solid foundation of honesty,
respect, and love… love, not in the fantasy sense that the Prince or
Princess saves me, but love based on a deep knowledge of yourself and
your partner. "In love the paradox occurs that two become one and
yet remain two." When we follow the above 7 truths about a REAL
marriage, we can enjoy the reality of our deepening union more than any
fantasy we could imagine!
Sharon M. Rivkin, author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of
Intimate Conflict, is a licensed marriage and family therapist,
and conflict resolution and affairs expert. Sharon is also the
developer of the "First Argument Technique," a groundbreaking,
three-step method that heals and saves relationships. She has been in
private practice for 28 years in Santa Rosa, California, and her work
has been featured in several national magazines and websites including O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest,
Yahoo.com, and Dr.Laura.com. Sharon is an experienced
public speaker, has appeared on television, and makes regular radio
appearances across the U.S. For more information, visit www.sharonrivkin.com.
Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Back
|
