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Subject: |
The Fine Art of Disciplining Other People's Kids: What to Do and How to Do It |
| Date: |
2009-11-02
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The Fine Art of
Disciplining Other People's Kids:
What to Do and How to Do It
By Dr. Michele Borba
Author of The Big Book of Parenting
Solutions
www.micheleborba.com
When I was growing up, if I misbehaved I was set straight by the parent
in charge. If my friends misbehaved at my house there were held
accountable by my mom and dad. But parenting has changed. These days
parents are much more cautious about discipline kids who are not their
- probably because our society has become so litigious. So how do you
navigate those tricky issues of discipline the "other kids" when the
child is in your care and you are in charge? My view: it’s never
intruding when you’re protecting a child. You also don’t want to offend
the kid's parents, but when his behavior is dangerous or harmful to
another child, you can't ignore it either. Still, the right response
depends on the circumstances. Here are a few tips to navigating this
sometimes tricky parenting waters:
Get on board with the other parent.
Anytime you are responsible for the care of another child always
introduce yourself to the other kid's parent. You can exchange
emergency information but also bring up discipline. "Are here any
special rules you'd like your child to follow?" What would you like me
to do if they act up when they're with me?" A brief chat will clue you
into the parent's discipline views and also make things easier in case
there is a problem.
Review ground rules. Lay down
the law with your child before
the friend arrives and even post those core house rules on your
refrigerator. You or your child can quickly review those rules to any
first-time guest.
Know your discipline limits.
Most parents have no problem if you remind their kids of your house
rules or enforce them. The problem is when you use certain types of punishment. A few general no-no's:
Don't spank another child. Ever. Don't be judgmental "You're so
naughty." Don't push. You may not use time-out, take away the other
kid's personal possessions or ground a child from a future event. Don't
discipline if the child if his parent is present. You may take the kid
by the hand and "return" him to the parent. You may review your rules
in front of the parent: "We don't throw balls in my house." But you
can't discipline.
Make "safety" your core policy.
Step in for any safety issue: Aggression or cruelty (hitting, biting,
fighting, slapping, or exclusion; Risky behaviors like jumping off the
roof, running with a sharp object, experimenting with alcohol, leaving
your property, using technology with Internet access to adult or
inappropriate content.
Use "cool" discipline and watch your
terms. You do not have to tolerate any guest acting
inappropriately. Just remember that the child may later share with his
parent how you discipline (and those stories can be embellished). For
instance, it is best to not use "time-out" but you can still say,
"Looks like you both need time to cool down. Why not sit here a bit
until you're ready to play again."
Call the parent for severe infractions.
If you've tried the cooler discipline approaches and the guest
continues to misbehave, you could:
- Issue a warning that if he continues
to not follow your rules you will call his parent (and then follow
through).
- Separate the kids. Put your child in
another room for the remainder of the playdate, but keep the guest in a
central spot you can still supervise.
- Take the child home. Call the parent
and explain that the two kids seem to need a break from each other,
then ask if it would be acceptable to drive the guest home. Never do so
without that permission and never tell a child to go home without
calling the parent to make sure she is there.
- Decide if the parent needs to be told.
Do realize the child may give his own interpretation, so better it come
from you. Use a tactful way" "This is a little problem we had
today. I'm sure you would want to know so I wanted to tell you what the
kids were up to.
Every kid (even yours) has a bad
day now and then and deserves a second chance. But if the guest's
behavior continues to be a problem at your home, despite your best
efforts, it may be time to tell the child that he may not come over
until his behavior improves. Just be prepared to tell his parents the
same.
Michele Borba, Ed.D., is an
educational psychologist, former teacher, and mom who is recognized for
offering research-driven advice culled from a career of working with
over one million parents, educators, and children. A frequent Today show contributor she also
appears on Dr. Phil, The View, CNN
American Morning, and The
Early Show, Michele is the author of 22 books including her
latest release, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101
Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.
Visit her daily blog on www.micheleborba.com or follow
her on twitter@micheleborba.com. Permission granted for use on
DrLaura.com.
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