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National Association of At-Home Mothers
Info Guide # 18
How to Get the Support and Understanding You Need for At-Home Mothering from Friends and Family
Women choosing at-home motherhood today often face misunderstanding and a lack of appreciation for their very important role. We live in a society where the worth of an individual is gauged mostly by his or her advancement in an outside career, or the amount of money they make. Our whole identity may be wrapped up in an occupation rather than who we are as a person separate from that job.
There seems to be a ripple in the water, however. Some members of our society who have been looking outside of themselves for validation of internal worth are continually coming up empty. More and more of us are beginning to take a hard look at our lives in order to find out what truly makes us happy, what’s most important to us, how to live in balance, and how to make choices about a lifestyle that puts family first. Mothers choosing at-home motherhood are often such pioneers.
Sweeping social change will take time, however, and meanwhile you may continue to find negative reactions, or at least indifference, to your choice for quitting your job to stay at home with your children. Since support is paramount to a fulfilling and rewarding at-home motherhood lifestyle, it is vital that your partner, family members, and friends provide the understanding and encouragement you need.
Whether you’re currently satisfied with the support you’re receiving, or could use some help garnering support from those closest to you, the five steps outlined in the following pages can help you keep a healthy supply you know you need and deserve.
Step 1: Examine Your Own Commitment to At-Home Motherhood
The first step in gaining the support you need and deserve, is to truly take a look at your reasons for choosing at-home motherhood. There are many of them—lack of quality child care, lack of affordable child care, difficulty in your child adjusting to child care, always knowing you’d stay at home, being “Supermom” was burning you out, religious beliefs—the circumstances under which your choice was made may have been quite simple or quite complicated. Despite your individual circumstances, however, the underlying reason most mothers choose at-home motherhood is because of a heartfelt, natural desire to be with their children, and to make raising them their priority. Aligning with your desire may have also led you to an important conclusion—that there is nothing more important or valuable that you could be doing than raising your children. You may have come to realize that time with your children was more important to you than the “things” your income can provide. Whatever your reasons are for choosing to stay at home with your children, write them down. This will not only help you by renewing your personal commitment, but will help clarify your thinking as you explain your choice to others.
Step 2: Gain Or Strengthen Support From Your Husband or Partner
Without support from our husband or partner, it is unlikely that you’ll find at-home motherhood enjoyable and fulfilling—in fact, it may not work for you at all. Without your partner’s wholehearted commitment, problems can grow into issues powerful enough to force you back to work or even threaten your marriage. On the other hand, your partner’s desire that you remain at home with your children may be as strong, or even stronger, than yours. As long as you both have the desire, you can make at-home motherhood work for your family. The key to a rewarding and enriching at-home motherhood lifestyle is establishing and maintaining communication with your husband or partner. It’s vitally important that you both continue to share your feelings and discuss the challenges that your new lifestyle brings.
Begin this process by answering the following questions honestly and fully. Take the time to fully express each other’s feelings, discuss how at-home motherhood fits with your priorities, and examine how life will change for your family.
- What are my feelings about staying home with my children? It is a natural desire for a mother to want to be with her children, to nurture them, and to share her great love for them throughout the day. Plus, following this natural desire is good for the mother as well. Express whatever feelings you have about how hard it is to leave your children, your concern for their well-being and care during the day, the influences they may be exposed to that you can’t control, the ache in your heart for not being with them, etc.
- What are your partner’s feelings about your staying home? Does your partner feel immense pressure at the thought of being the single income earner? Is it important in some other way to your partner that you have an established career outside the home?
- What are your family’s priorities? Is it important to have an income that supports the funding of fine material goods, like a big home, two newer cars, a boat, designer clothing, etc.? Or, is it more important that your children be in the primary care of their mother, which may include her giving up an income, and scaling back your lifestyle?
- How much money are you really taking home after subtracting all the work-related expenses such as child care, wardrobe, commuting, meals out, taxes, etc.? You might be surprised at how little you have left. (See our Info Guide, “Your REAL Take Home Pay—Weighing the Costs of Working vs. Staying at Home” for more information.)
- If a second income is necessary or important, how can you create an income without working full-time outside the home? Can you negotiate within your current job to bring your work home? Can you negotiate a part-time or job-sharing work arrangement which will allow you to spend more time at home? Can you use your skills for contract work that you can do from your home? Can you find other at-home work, or start your own business? Can you “earn” some of the income you need by saving more, like eating out less, smarter shopping, less expensive cars with lower insurance, and lower mortgage payments? Staying home will create an impact on your finances—come up with a plan that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.
- What are the personal advantages your partner can look forward to by having you at home? Will you have more time for your partner? Will you be less stressed and more receptive to your partner’s needs? What impact will your increased support have on your partner’s career advancement and ultimately your family’s income? How will your partner benefit by a more peaceful and nurturing family environment that you generate by being at home?
Continue to honestly assess and communicate all the concerns both you and your partner have. Work together to come up with solutions. Write down your answers to the questions above, any others you think of, as well as any that arise in the future. Create a financial plan together. You and your partner’s commitment to an on-going process of communicating your needs, concerns, and ideas will be key to maintaining a satisfying and fulfilling at-home motherhood lifestyle.
Step 3: Gaining Support From Other Family Members and Friends
After you have examined your own reasons and commitments for staying at home, and have gained the full support from your partner, you are ready to approach other family members and friends. If they do not already have an appreciation for your career choice in at-home motherhood, they will probably have many questions. The most common question—why you have chosen at-home motherhood—can be easily answered from your responses in Steps 1 and 2 above, which clearly state the priorities and commitment that you and your partner have established. Below are some other questions you might encounter, and some possible replies:
“Won’t you be wasting your education, or jeopardizing your career?”
You can explain that your children are your priority right now; that if you choose to, you can re-enter the workforce later when your children are older. You can keep your skills up-to-date, or even improve them, through continuing education, volunteering, or through a home business. Starting a home business has the added benefit of using your skills, or developing a particular interest, to establish work where you are your own boss! Your choice for at-home motherhood may actually help you discover a new career that is more satisfying, more stable, and provides an even larger income for your family than your old job ever did.
“Won’t you be bored, get lazy, have nothing to do all day?”
Many mothers see at-home motherhood today as a career choice, and knowing that our modern world gives women ample choices for an occupation outside the home, their choice is deliberate. As a career, these women go about structuring their lifestyle in a way that makes it enjoyable and fulfilling for them. This often involves developing a mission statement for what they want to accomplish at home for their families. They set goals and objectives, and organize their days to accomplish them. Often, household chores continue to be delegated as they were when working outside the home, or outside help is arranged so they may stay focused on their children. In addition to the deep fulfillment that caring for their children generates, many at-home mothers also explore and expand their personal interests and talents, which often leads to starting a rewarding home business. At-home mothers also use their skills and interests by contributing to volunteer activities. Your at-home motherhood lifestyle can be anything you care to make it!
“Should you give up your financial independence in case of divorce or a husband’s death?”
Here again, it is relatively easy to keep your skills up-to-date in most professions without actually having to be out in the workforce. Returning to the workforce is usually not that difficult. Starting a home business can provide a second income presently, and could be developed into a much more substantial income, possibly even more than you dreamed of, providing a very adequate means of “survival” in the event of having to become the sole breadwinner in the family.
“Isn’t staying home with your children negating all that has been gained through the women’s liberation movement?”
The most important thing the women’s liberation movement has given women is the ability to choose their life’s work. Unfortunately, the pendulum has swung over too far. Women have gone from one expectation to another—in the 1950’s, women were expected to stay at home; in the 1990’s, women are expected to maintain work outside the home. Plus, as women have been pushed to choose an outside career, they’ve retained all their mothering and household responsibilities in the same amount of time and space. The result for a large population of women has been dissatisfaction with meaningless jobs, stress, exhaustion, and burn out. How many mothers are happy and fulfilled by their outside jobs? How are mothers feeling about their contribution to society, their family, and themselves? How many are able to remain balanced and parent the way they want to after an exhausting, hectic, stressful day? How many mothers feel they can work full-time outside the home and still have the time for their children that they want? Choosing at-home motherhood does not negate the accomplishments of the women’s liberation movement; it is simply one of many career choices available to women today, and one in which every mother choosing it should be supported.
“Don’t you think staying home with your children is unfair to your husband or partner?”
Your answers here will be based on your partner’s feelings and commitment to your staying home discussed together in Step 2. You can explain the way in which you have found solutions to your partner’s concerns, as well as your own.
Once you have gained the understanding from family and friends about your reasons for choosing at-home motherhood, and about how you will make it work for you and your family, you are ready to find the support you need and deserve.
Step 4: Ask, Ask, Ask! For the Support You Need and Deserve
Even with an understanding of your at-home motherhood commitment and goals, support from family and friends may not be automatic. Chances are you will have to ask for what you want and need. Asking for what we need, however, is not that easy for many of us. Perhaps we fear rejection, aren’t sure we deserve the help, or our pride gets in the way. Often, we feel that our family and friends should automatically know what we need. They can’t read our minds, and unless we ask, we are denying them the opportunity to help us, which is something they probably would really like to do. Not only is this unfair to family and friends who love us, but we’re seldom likely to get results and will only end up frustrated.
So, the key is to ask. Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, in their book, The Aladdin Factor, say that to be a good “asker”, you must first know what is it that you want, believe that you are worthy of receiving it, and that you will receive it. Then, be persistent—keep asking! They point out that by asking you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You are no worse off it someone says “no”; just continue to ask, and all the while you are increasing your odds of the next person saying “yes”!
Here are Canfield’s and Hansen’s suggestions for how to ask:
- Ask as if you expect to get what you want.
- Ask someone who can give you what you want.
- Be clear and specific about what you want.
- Ask from your heart.
- Ask with humor and creativity.
- Give in order to get.
- Ask repeatedly.
Using these suggestions, begin practicing asking for what you want. Ask a supervisor for work that you can take home. Ask your partner to watch the children all day Saturday so you can focus on your home business, or each evening for some time for yourself. Ask another mother if she would be willing to trade watching each other’s children occasionally, so you can more easily run errands, go to appointments, etc. Ask your mother if she would come over on a regular basis to watch the children so you can get some exercise or attend a class. Ask someone to watch your children while you take time to nourish your friendships and ask a friend out to lunch. Think carefully about who is in your life, what you need, what they might be able to help you with, and then ASK!
Step 5: Create New Friendships for At-Home Motherhood
Finding support for at-home motherhood can be challenging. Living in a mobile society leaves many families without extended family members nearby. You may be the only at-home mother on your block. You may have left friendships at work, or have less in common with friends you once worked with after transitioning home.
All this doesn’t mean that the support isn’t out there. It is, and often the new family of friends you create may just prove to be your greatest supporters. Below are a few ways to begin assembling your new group of supportive friends.
- Join or set up a playgroup or “Mommy’s Time” co-op in your area. You’ll find a network of mothers with which to regularly share ideas, find solutions to your mothering challenges, and help with occasional child care needs. (See our Info Guide, “How to Start a ‘Mommy’s Time’ Co-op or Playgroup in Your Area” for more information.)
- Attend local parenting classes, which are often advertised in your area newspaper. You’ll have the chance to meet other parents like you, concerned with raising healthy and happy families.
- Join a mother’s group or an association of mothers like the National Association of At-Home Mothers. Focused networks like these can give you vital information, support, and lifelong friendships.
With a little work, and heartfelt respect for the valuable career you’ve chosen, you can create a support system that will help make at-home motherhood an enriching and fulfilling experience for you.
As you gain the support of family and friends for your at-home motherhood choice, and create a network that allows for regular interaction with other mothers like yourself, you will be well on your way to a long and rewarding lifestyle at home with your children. For in their hearts, most people will agree that raising children is one of the most important things anyone can do. When your family and friends see your commitment, that you have thought out all the issues, and have a plan to make at-home motherhood work, most will come to realize that you have deliberately chosen at-home motherhood as your profession. You have done your “homework” and this will be all the proof most need to understand that the at-home motherhood lifestyle is the right choice for you and your family. You might be surprised at just how supportive friends and family members become, and go out of their way to help you realize your at-home motherhood goals and dreams!
©1998 National Association of At-Home Mothers. All rights reserved. Permission granted for use on drlaura.com
This Info Guide was provided by AtHomeMothers.com where you’ll find complete support and practical information for the at-home motherhood lifestyle, including the National Association of At-Home Mothers, At Home Mother magazine, and much more!
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