Dr. Laura Blog

In the day, it was very clear what constituted cheating. You had sex with somebody while you were married or engaged, and you also had to make great efforts to have an affair. But with all the new means by which people can connect today, cheating has become a whole new monster. There's texting, Skyping and emailing. There are websites that cater to people who wish to fool around on their spouses. And along with these advances in technology, what counts as "cheating" seems to have become less cut and dry (i.e. it's no longer just the physical act of having sex with someone else). 

However, I can simplify things for you. Ready?

If you have to hide or sneak around to do what you're doing, or you wouldn't say or do it in front of your children or spouse, it's cheating. Simple as that. 

Here are some red flags that your friendly correspondence with someone of the opposite sex is really cheater chatter:

Deleting emails

If you're deleting emails, then you're assuming that your spouse would be upset if they were to read them. Therefore, you are covering something up. Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I knew my spouse was corresponding with an attractive secret someone in the way I am doing right now."

Fulfilling a sexual fantasy

Affairs are often about playing out sexual fantasies.  If you notice that your correspondence is feeding your fantasies, you're doing something wrong.

Amount of time spent talking with him/her

It's not just the content that can be considered cheating, it's the amount of time spent sharing it. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" 15 plus times a day, I'm sorry, that's an affair.

Rationalizing

"He's/She's just a friend" is something you don't have to say to yourself when you're involved in an innocent communication. Do you feel the need to justify it? Well, that's because you know what you're doing is wrong. 

It's meeting your personal needs

Your marriage is for meeting your personal needs, and that's where they should be dealt with.

Talking about your marriage with him/her

Talking about your marriage with someone of the opposite sex is a breach of trust and disrespectful.

Your spouse doesn't like it, or your good friend tells you it's not right.

If your spouse has told you they don't like it and they do it anyway, it's an affair. It's not right to be more concerned about connecting with this person than with your spouse's feelings.

So again, if you wouldn't say or do it in front of your spouse or kids, you're cheating.  And even if your spouse is being a pain in the butt, there are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem than breaching your vows.