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Letters From Listeners
Choosing Not to Have a Child
Choosing Not to Have a Child
07/24/2013

 

Dr. Laura, 

I write you today with an extremely heavy heart. My husband and I made the decision the other day that as things stand we are choosing not to have children. I have a few more years where if our situation changes, I can, but I'm working on letting go of this huge dream of mine so I can move on. 

The reason for this is our finances. We both waited a pretty long time to get married yet while I had no student loans or credit cards, he did and we didn't get them cleared up before marriage. We did manage to pay cash for half of our wedding and had no parental assistance on either side. The other $3,500 is being paid off now. Our debt is killing us and we're doing all we can to clear it all up and not incur any more. My job situation has been very unstable and I'm struggling to find anything suitable in this economy. I'm currently working contract and looking for permanent employment. I want to go to school for medical billing so I can work at home and raise children but there's no money for that in the foreseeable future.

While we were dating, my husband agreed with me that I would be at home with the children and there was no other option. This was before his sister had her child who is shuffled between a sitter, a family friend and her grandmother. Now my husband thinks his mom should retire and raise all of her grandchildren. I am vehemently against this, not only because my mother-in-law is not in good physical condition and would be physically unable to assist a child in an emergency situation, but also because she raised her own children and should not be expected to raise her children's children.  And most important -- because it's not me -- the mommy! 

After having been raised by my mom and listening to you for years, I made the decision long ago that if I couldn't be my kids' mom, I wouldn't be a mom. I never thought it would come to this and I guess things could change over the next couple of years, but as it stands, I will not have children. 

My husband doesn't "get it". But since I've put my foot down, he's not fighting me on it. I'm beyond heartbroken, I want to be a mother so badly and I will continue to work toward being able to have them, but not at the cost of having someone else raise them. Thank you for instilling this in me. If it weren't for you, I would have caved to every other woman who tells me I'm ridiculous! 

Keep cheering us on, those who are their kids' moms and those who've chosen not to have children unless they can be their kids' moms really need your support!

-Sad But Determined
Tags: Dating, Economy, Finances, I am my kid's mom, Job, Relationships, Wedding
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