(originally published July 30, 2009)
I love "Law & Order" and "Cold Case" types of programs, because of the cleverness of the characters in discerning truth from lies (either from witnesses or clues at a crime scene). I find it fascinating. Detective Goren from "Law & Order" seems to know everything about just everything, which is a plot device that sometimes strains credulity, but, in general, I find the most interesting leaps to be that of a "gut feeling" or a "hunch" which is not easily explained by logic until after the fact.
Some people are better at this than others - perhaps it's an inner talent that is unique, or maybe that individual just pays more attention to detail, or maybe it's just the willingness to listen to that still, soft voice that tells you something just isn't right.
I find that many people who call my radio program with concerns about the behaviors of someone they're dating already "knew" on some level that something just wasn't right. But they ignored or denied those feelings because they wanted the fantasy to be true. Generally, these desired fantasies turn into disasters.
One caller earlier this week met a guy online who immediately treated her like he was her fairy godmother. "Zap" with his wand, and they were off to foreign lands for lunch and distant places for vacations. She found out that he was still married, even though he had said he was divorced. She called me all upset and sad.
I told her that she had behaved like a slut (yeah, I said that), because he had money. Certainly, she couldn't have believed that he loved her - he didn't even KNOW her! She was gullible and pretty and sexually available and that was what he was looking for. He wasn't looking for the love of his life. She, however, wanted the princess fairy tale, and she had it for two months. Meanwhile, she had suspended her good sense about why a man would operate like this with no real knowledge of the woman. Answer? Knowledge of the woman was not of interest to him. Showing off and having passionate sex with a very willing woman was what he really wanted.
Instead of worrying about not being able to trust men, and sobbing with great hurt at being dumped, I suggested that she start behaving like the kind of woman a real man without a selfish agenda would value. She didn't listen to that small voice, and ended up used and humiliated.
Don't deny what you know in your gut, even in the midst of what seems like the most unbelievable reality. It is unbelievable, because it is not to be believed.