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07/27/2010
 Luck Won't Make YourMarriage a Success:
Four Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling
By Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.
www.sharonrivkin.com
We seem to prepare foreverything in our life - jobs, exams, etc. Why then don't weprepare for a successful marriage? Maybe it's because of thefairy tales that have brainwashed us into thinking that we'll all livehappily ever after? In reality, it doesn't work that way, as you mayhave noticed by now. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce#133;andonly half of those that endure are truly happy in the long run.
According to Patricia and Gregory Kuhlman of Marriage Success Training,"research shows that there is a window of opportunity during the yearbefore the wedding and the six months or so after when couples get theoptimum benefit from marriage preparation. Later, under stress,negative habits and relationship patterns may become established and bemuch harder to resolve. If you just wing it and count on yourluck and romantic attachment to make your marriage a success, your oddsare only one in four."
How do you beat the odds and give your marriage a better chance ofsurvival? Through pre-marital counseling and education. According to research, pre-marital counseling can reduce the risk ofdivorce by up to 30% and lead to a happier and healthiermarriage. And the healthiest marriages are those where the couplecan negotiate their differences. Why wait until you're marriedand have your first marital fight to see if you can negotiate? Why not prepare ahead of time with tools and skills?
Most couples naively think they don't need preparation. Maybe theyhaven't experienced relationship hardships and don't believe there willever be problems. And if problems do pop up, they believe theywill magically turn out okay. Remember the fantasy? Marriagesdon't work that way. They take a lot of hard work, thought, andskill. Love alone will not guarantee a successful marriage. Instead, discuss and resolve important issues before the big date tohave a better chance for a healthy marriage, such as:
- What are your expectationsfor a good marriage?
- How compatible are you onday-to-day issues?
- What personality-type areeach of you and what are your families of origin like?
- What are your communicationskills? Are you an introvert or extrovert?
- Do you have tools forconflict management? Can you negotiate? What do you do whenconflict arises?
- Do you have similar sexdrives? What type of sex do you prefer?
- Do you share long-term goalsand similar values?
Then, get pre-marital counselingto learn the following tools:
- Fair fighting. How to taketime outs, call a truce, stop the shaming and blaming, and developingground rules for fighting.
- Keep your partner frombecoming your enemy. When arguments build up, you cease giving yourpartner the benefit of the doubt. Therefore, resolve conflictsimmediately so you can continue to love your partner and see them in apositive light.
- Stay current. Addressarguments as soon as they come up. Don't sweep issues under therug. They won't go away. Resentment and anger build momentumwhenever an issue isn't dealt with and resolved.
Don't count on luck to beat thedivorce odds#133;and drop the fantasy. By discussing important issues andlearning skills through pre-marital counseling, you'll be forming asolid foundation for a successful marriage.
"What's the big deal? All I said was. . ." Sound familiar? Argument/Affairs Expert and TherapistSharon Rivkin helps couples fix their relationships by understandingwhy they fight. Sharon says, "If you don't get rid of the ghosts thathaunt your arguments, you'll never stop fighting!" Read her new book,Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy, tolearn the tools of therapy to break the cycle of destructive fighting.Sharon makes regular radio appearances nationwide and has been featuredin O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader'sDigest, Yahoo.com, Martha Stewart Living Radio, and Dr.Laura.com. For more information,visit http://www.sharonrivkin.com.Permissiongranted foruse onDrLaura.com
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