(I was your call of the day around 11/5/10 and you asked me what was so scary about being alone. And I realized that I used my husband to deal with all of the "scary people": handyman, mechanic, etc).
Well here is my update:
I left him and have been staying in a girlfriend's tiny one bedroom apt. I have the couch and half of the pantry (for clothing, my important papers, etc). I left with nearly nothing, a couple of changes of clothes and went back for my sewing machine and my mother's teapot, a few paintings by my cousin.
I could not be more at peace. I've met with my attorney twice and filed for divorce last week. I met with 2 counselors with my husband and was blown away with reality. How weak I'd been in the face of absurdity. I could not see it clearly until I dealt with myself.
I made a budget and made lists of all of the debt and I feel freer and stronger in the thought of starting over than I ever did with staying the course. I met with a financial advisor that specializes in divorce and he said I was the most prepared person he'd had in his office.
My friends and family have been tremendous support and they tell me they'd been wondering what had taken me so long. I had to learn my lessons, if not doing so I may have been compelled to repeat the same mistakes.
I've read most of the books by David Richo. The one I was reading when I called you was "When the Past is Present". I thought I bought it for a friend but when I began I knew I'd bought it for me: My lesson was to find my own voice and stand up for myself, believe in my integrity, strength of character.
And you drove the point home.
Once I realized I had to let go of the bank in order to flow with the river, the life source, I let myself sail away from the shore where I had been stuck clinging and afraid for so long.
I look forward to my new life and simple goals, to be with family and friends, to travel, to sew, to return to beekeeping, and to pay forward all of the love and support that has sustained over this bumpy road.
Thank you for your wisdom and your tough love, your sharp intuition and your warrior stance.