What if we could arrange it so our bodies never felt pain? Your immediate reaction might be, “Of course! That’d be great to never feel pain!” However, pain is a warning sign. If you didn’t experience pain, you wouldn’t know if your hand was burning on a hot stove or if you were sick and needed to go to the doctor.
Without warning signs, we don’t know if something is wrong. Therefore, if we choose to ignore them, we can get into a lot of trouble – especially in relationships.
A little bit of fear, anxiety and paranoia is very healthy. It keeps you alert, asking questions and attentive to red flags. Our brains are actually wired to look for red flags. All throughout the animal kingdom, females assess males on whether or not they’ve proven themselves; males have to duke it out or demonstrate something. For example, in certain species of birds, the female watches the male build a nest and then inspects it to make sure it’s up to snuff. If it’s not, he doesn’t get any nooky. It’s very simple. If he doesn’t have what it takes to take care of her and the little chickies, he’s toast.
Birds only have tiny little brains, and yet they somehow manage to get this right. The problem with humans is that the gray matter in our forebrains became so developed that we can actually think, which seems to be a bad thing for a lot of people. Why? Because we ignore what is healthy in favor of what is convenient and comfortable. Women stay with guys who don’t support them and can’t be relied upon. Men pick women they want to rescue instead of someone who has the qualities of a wife and mother. Even though we can “think,” we don’t think about shared morals, values, principles, and dreams. Do you admire, respect and support each other? Can you both communicate without yelling and screaming? Are you both loyal and faithful?
This is why I recommend six to nine months of premarital counseling to couples before they get married. I know many people will sniff their noses at this because they don’t want to find out their relationship isn’t going to work. However, would you rather find out when you have the opportunity to make a wise choice, or three kids and a mortgage later?
Deciding who you want to spend your life with is perhaps the single most important decision you’ll ever make. It impacts your daily happiness, health, finances, social life, future kids, and what direction your life is going to take. You need to be more selective and actually pay attention to red flags. Don’t stay with someone out of guilt. Don’t try to save someone from themselves. Stop endlessly pondering “what if…” (What if he/she leaves me? What if I don’t find love again?) Sit down and make a list of what you are really looking for and need in a man or woman. What are the qualities? Be pragmatic. You are never going to find the absolutely perfect person (because let’s face it, nobody is perfect), but it will help you find someone who is mature, committed and kind.
Choosing wisely is not about being horny, desperate or habituated. The choice has to be wiser than that.