Debra believed her problem had to do with her mother raising her to be “agreeable,” and she was angry about it! I told her I believed that how she was raised didn’t matter much. Imagine yourself falling into a dark, deep, marshy pit. Maybe you were pushed in. Maybe you weren’t watching where you were walking and tripped in. It’s not important how you got into that hole, what matters is what you’re willing and able to do to get out of it.
No matter what circumstances you came from or currently live in, you are the person responsible for how you react to them. You don’t have to search your childhood to find ways to blame your mother or father. Ultimately, that won’t move you forward. To have a good life, you just have to understand the ways you are weak and work on improving those. It’s on you to make the effort to do what’s healthy and correct. But that’s much harder than going back and having an argument with a parent, isn’t it?
It's sad how many relationships are lost because one person doesn’t have the courage and strength to be genuine. It’s not easy to go from being a person who’s afraid to say “no” to one who can make a point or take a stand and let the repercussions roll like water off a duck’s back. Debra feared upsetting and losing her mother’s love, yet she yearned to be independent from her mom’s influence. It was an endless tug of war.
The impact of family on your personality and reactions to the world is profound. But your past does not define you. Every day you have the opportunity to define yourself. We can’t heal or fix what has already happened, but we can look at what has happened and start fresh today.
I wrote a book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" to help you understand your unique coping style and how it impacts your daily thoughts and actions. If you need help getting to a life of more peace and happiness, check it out here, or give me a call at 1-800-DR-LAURA.
