What to Do If You#146;re Concerned About Your Kids#146; Friends By Michele Borba, Ed.D. Excerpted from NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them by Michele Borba Jossey-Bass Publishers; April 2005. ISBN 0-7879-7662-8 Bad friends. It#146;s every parent#146;s worst nightmare: we imagine only the worse: drugs, smoking, sex, trouble with the law. But what should parents do if they notice that their daughter is hanging out more with a kid whose values don't seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your son from being with a particular friend? The bottom line on this one: It#146;s okay to have friends who are different from your child. After all, exposing our kids to diversity is a big part of helping to broaden their horizons, learn new skills and perspectives, and get along with others. The trick here is to figure out when the other kid#146;s values or lifestyle are really reckless, self-destructive or totally inappropriate. Consider this: could hanging around this kid damage your child#146;s character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our kids are rarely #147;made bad#148; by another kid, but the friends our kids choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that he may#151;or may not#151;get into trouble. Here are a few tips to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting. Restate your standards. Be clear your child knows your family values and is aware of the consequence if he violates them. #147;No drugs, drinking, smoking.#148; #147;You always call to tell me where you are.#148; #147;You only go to homes where parents are there to supervise.#148; #147;You don#146;t leave one location and go to another without telling me.#148; A one time talk to your child isn#146;t going to cut it so plan to talk again and again. Share your concerns. Instead of judging or criticizing your kid#146;s companion (which is guaranteed to end the conversation), describe the changes you see in your child. #147;I notice whenever you sit next to Kevin in class, I get a call from the teacher.#148; #147;You never swore before you starting hanging around that group.#148; If you#146;re not sure you understand what#146;s going on, ask questions. #147;You hid Ricky#146;s magazine when I came in your room. What exactly was it that you didn#146;t want me to see?#148; Talk to the parent. Do try to talk to the other kid#146;s parent, and it#146;s best to do so as soon as your child befriends their child. Meeting personally would be ideal, but a phone call is usually more realistic. Try your best to be positive, friendly, and open minded. Exchange phone numbers. And if you haven#146;t taken time to do so with his other friends, make it a policy from now on. Befriend your child#146;s friends. Get to them and let them know you are interested in their lives. You may see a different side. #147;Do you play any sports?#148; #147;How did you and Norma meet?#148; #147;Are you in any of the same classes?#148; #147;Can you stay for dinner?#148; Ask #147;What if..#148; A good way to assess your kid#146;s ability to handle peers who could be trouble is by posing #147;What if...#148; questions. You make up the problem scenario, but then listen to how your child responds. Her answers will be a springboard to talk about possible solutions she may face in bad company. #147;What if you go to a friend#146;s house and you there aren#146;t any parents there?#148; #147;What if you#146;re at a slumber party and your friends want to sneak out and (smoke, drink, meet boys, etc)?#148; Get the facts. Talk to other parents, teachers, and adults whose opinions you value. Do they know the kid and share your concerns? Does their kids hang around with them? If not, why? What do they suggest? Know where your kid is at all times. Make it clear that immediately after school (or any activity) you want to hear from him. If your child doesn#146;t have access to a cell phone or pager, give him a phone card and teach him how to use it or how to make collect phone calls. There should be no excuses. Keep an open house. Stock your refrigerator with sodas, save those pizza coupons, and make your house #147;kid friendly#148; so your child#146;s friends want to come to your house. In fact, worry more if you kid doesn#146;t want to bring his friends over. Besides feeling more comfortable and knowing where your kid is, you#146;ll also be able to keep your eyes and ears open to see if your concerns are really grounded. Foster new associations. The best way to limit time spent a potential bad friend is to find other social avenues to go down instead. Look for places she can make new friends such as Boys Girls Club, scouts, clubs, music, sports. Arrange activities that your child really wants to do (the basketball team, guitar lessons, the art class). Be prepared. Teach your child what to do any time he does not feel comfortable or thinks there could be trouble. Set up a code word that only you and your family know such as #147;Robin Hood,#148; #147;Trick or Treat,#148; #147;Jimmy called.#148; That way anytime you are talking to your child and his friends are listening, he can say the word and you#146;ll know you really want to come home. Also have a #147;parent support#148; group available in which you and another friend who knows your child well, agrees that anytime you#146;re not available your child will call her (and vice versa with their kid) to pick him up. Watch for red flags. Are you seeing any changes in your child's behavior that are big warning signs that things are becoming more serious? The key is to look for differences you#146;ve noticed in your child since she began hanging around with this companion: Grades slipping, tears, moodiness, red eyes (drugs), alcohol or smoke smell (or cologne to possibly cover up the smell), defiant or disrespectful attitude, hiding things or acting sneakily, sleeping too much, more accidents, a complete wardrobe change that is #147;not#148; your kid. Remember to direct your concerns to where it really counts: how your kid acts instead of how the other kids behave. Forbid bad friend when serious issues emerge. If the companion clearly is a "bad influence" and is pushing your kid into experimenting with serious issues such as drugs, substance abuse, shoplifting, sex, smoking, it's time to draw a halt to the relationship. This may be easier said than done, but and you might need to consider the extreme: changing schools, a summer camp, a month at a relative#146;s, a boarding school, or even moving. In some cases it really may be the only option to prevent a potential tragedy. Above all, keep the lines of communication open and your relationship warm and positive as your child. You want to convey the message loud and clear: #147;I love you.#148; #147;Remember, I#146;m always here for you.#148; Don#146;t let your dislike of your child#146;s friends hinder your relationship with your child. Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renown educator, motivational speaker, who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including PARENTS DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, NO MORE MISBEHVAVIN#146;, BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE, DON#146;T GIVE ME THAT ATTITUDE! and NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME (all Jossey-Bass). For more information about her work see www.micheleborba.com . copy; 2005 by Michele Borba. Permission to reprint if left intact. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Today#146;s Family Man #147;She Blinded Me With Science: Celebrating a Happy Mother#146;s Day of Invention#148; By Gregory Keer I#146;m holding baby Ari while finishing dinner as Benjamin, 7, and Jacob, 3, run around the house, inflicting pain on each other, when my wife calls out, #147;Science experiments!#148; Immediately, the little demolition men trample to the kitchen table, where what#146;s left of my enchiladas is whisked away in favor of a tall glass and a bottle of cooking oil. #147;Tonight, we#146;re going to see what happens when oil and water mix,#148; Wendy announces like some kind of feminine (and infinitely more attractive) refugee from Beakman#146;s World. #147;I want to pour the oil,#148; little Jacob says as he climbs on top of the Formica tabletop. #147;I want to add food coloring!#148; Benjamin chimes in. #147;Wait a minute, nothing toxic is going to happen here, is it?#148; I say, only half kidding. Actually, the whole scene is anything but toxic as Wendy leads us on a chemistry journey to watch oil and water separate and food colors blend to form different hues. Being scientifically curious plays well for my wife, in her work as a professor of early childhood education, and as a mom trying to entertain a houseful of boys. As someone whose own mother taught him not to play with chemicals because the wrong mix of rubbing alcohol and baby powder could melt off a limb, I have to wonder why my wife thinks science is so much fun. When did moms go from, #147;Don#146;t play with those chemicals, they might hurt you#148; to #147;Let#146;s blow something up?#148; I don#146;t know, but, certainly, my children#146;s personal Marie Curie has wowed them with such tricks as a clay volcano that erupts from a concoction of vinegar and baking soda and the ever-amazing hard-boiled-egg-in-a-bottle trick. She#146;s taught the boys botany with plants around the garden and read them books on everything from geology to zoology. But she#146;s not the only source of chemical-physical-biological fun. By now, Benjamin has attended half a dozen birthday parties headlined by the Mad Sciencereg; company. At these functions, various nutty-professor types perform experiments that entertain young children and send them home with their own dish of green slime (that sits on a shelf until your toddler opens it and turns your kitchen floor chartreuse). And that#146;s not all! At school, Benjamin learned how mealworms turn into darkling beetles and, at camp, he built a battery-powered vehicle from scratch. For Jacob, he tested how long he could sit on his baby brother before Daddy noticed Ari was turning purple. In less sadistic situations. Jacob has spent hours in an empty bathtub #150; with his clothes on #150; performing water displacement experiments. All of this boggles my right-brained personality. I#146;m the artsy guy, the dad who prefers Lichtenstein to Einstein. Yet, the pull to dazzle my children with the magic of science has managed to suck me in, just a little #150; if only to keep up with my wife. On a recent Sunday, Benjamin begged me to open a chemistry set marked for children 10 and older. I tried everything to dissuade him from delving into its disastrous possibilities. Wouldn#146;t he rather play some catch, watch mindless cartoons, or eat candy? Nothing would deter my little Dr. Jekyll. #147;Let#146;s take this to the patio,#148; I said, gingerly moving the set from the dining room. #147;This way we can hose down the poisons.#148; #147;No one#146;s going to get poisoned,#148; my wise 7-year-old assured me. Outside, on a plastic table, wearing latex gloves and goggles, I proceeded to open up the box with Benjamin. It was then that Jacob padded out in his underpants, wearing my good glasses for his own safety. #147;I want to do speriments, too!#148; he exclaimed. Anxious that someone would get hurt, I went over all the written precautions, preaching to my son that, #147;Science is not like playing with soap and water,#148; I warned gravely. #147;This stuff can irritate your eyes, put holes in your jeans, and worse.#148; Benjamin pulled out a mini beaker and some test tubes while I read the labels on the bottles of powder. On the first one, I ripped off the goggles and shouted, #147;Calcium hydroxide! Do you know this stuff is fatal if inhaled!#148; Benjamin laughed. Jacob nearly cried as he picked up my goggles, #147;Quick, put them on or your eyes will turn into FIRE!#148; At that point, Wendy came along to save the day. We boxed up the chemicals, but used the nontoxic plastic paraphernalia to perform an experiment with various liquids and some Play-Dohreg;. Once again, Wendy made sure we were all entertained, happy and safe. It#146;s a talent she has both in science and in family. So it is for her, and all the other moms out there who manage to keep their husbands and kids in perfect chemical balance, that I wish a Happy Mother#146;s (of Invention) Day. copy; 2005 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com BIO: Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, teacher, and on-air expert on fatherhood. His Family ManTM column appears in publications across the country, including L.A. Parent, Boston Parents' Paper, Bay Area Parent, Long Island Parenting News, Metro Augusta Parent, and Sydney's Child in Australia. Keer's concurrent column, Today's Family Man, is found at his online fatherhood magazine, FamilyManOnline.com . He also writes for Parenting magazine and the Parents' Choice Foundation as well as such sites as Parenthood.com, Pregnancy.org, FamilyResource.com, DrLaura.com, SheKnows.com, KeepKidsHealthy.com, and CanadianParents.com. On television, Keer has appeared on morning shows and cable specials. He is the father of three sons and husband to Wendy, a professor in child-development. More >>

Affirming Your Children's Voice How and When to Encourage Your Child to Speak Up By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Authors of The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose #147;Stop interrupting me when I#146;m talking.#148; "You have to learn to speak up for yourself." "You ask too many questions.#148; "Tell me with words. I don't understand whining." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Don't bug me when I'm on the phone." "You should have brought that concern to me." These phrases and others like them are sending mixed messages to our children. They are telling them: Talk, but don't talk. I want to hear your opinion, but not all the time. It#146;s no wonder many of our children are confused about when and how to access their own voice. Children don#146;t automatically know when and how to speak up. They don#146;t understand the appropriate times to interrupt. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively. They don#146;t understand the power of words and how to use them to create change in their lives. The most effective way for children to learn when and how to speak up is for you to teach them. If you want children to learn to use their voice in appropriate ways at appropriate times, you have to help them. Below are suggestions for when and how to encourage your child to create his or her own voice so he or she can become an empowered, confident, self-responsible youngster. Children need to speak up when . . . They need help. Children need help stacking blocks, reaching toys on a high shelf, writing a thank you letter, understanding a math concept, handling a peer relationship, and in many other situations as they move through each developmental stage. Some situations they can handle themselves. Others they cannot. A key component to becoming independent is knowing when and how to ask for help. They want something. Yes, it's okay for children to ask for what they want. Just because a child learns to speak up and ask for what she wants doesn#146;t mean she will get it. Sometimes what a child wants is unhealthy or unsafe. It is our job as parents to deny those requests while respecting the child's right to vocalize her desire to get what she wants. For some children, whining becomes the preferred way of asking for what they want. Our role is to give our children useful words to say what they want instead of whining. By helping them learn to say, "I want to stay up longer,#148; "I want to be held," or "I want to get down," you teach them that using words is their best hope for getting what they want in your family. They also come to understand that whining doesn't work with you. Say, "Brandon, that#146;s whining. Whining doesn't work with me. Use your words to tell me what you want. By using words, you sometimes get what you want. Sometimes you don't. And it's your only hope They prefer NOT to have something. Did you ever go on vacation with a teenager who didn#146;t want to be there, one who pouted for the entire week you spent in a cabin in the woods? If so, you know the value of teaching children to voice their opposition to something you want for them. #147;I don#146;t really like hooded sweatshirts,#148; is important information to have before you make a sixty dollar purchase that your child will never wear. #147;Lima beans is my least favorite vegetable,#148; is valuable data to accumulate before you head to the grocery store. Their personal space has been violated. Children need to be taught to find and access their voice whenever they experience inappropriate touch. Being touched in the private areas is always inappropriate. A discussion of appropriate and inappropriate touch needs to be held early and often in a child's life. Role-play both kinds of touch. Teach your children to speak up clearly if inappropriate touch occurs. Teach young children to say, "That's not appropriate," or "Nobody gets to touch me there." Teach them to use their voice to tell you if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way. Practice that conversation. Teach them the words to use. "Dad, Billy touched me," or "I got a wrong touch." Help your teen learn to say, "It's my body and I want you to respect it," and "The answer is 'No' and I don't need a reason." In addition to inappropriate touch, children need to learn to speak up to defend their personal space. Aunt Tilly doesn't get to plant a big wet kiss on a child without his approval. Your child does not have to be hugged if he doesn't want a hug. Even the gentlest touch in the most common of places is not okay if the child doesn't feel like being touched. Help him or her to say, "I don#146;t really want a hug right now," and "I'm not comfortable being kissed." They are asked a direct question. Recently, we asked a four-year-old how she was doing. The mother spoke for the child and replied, "She's feeling kind of shy today." The child never looked up. There was no need to. The mother was her voice. When you speak for your child, you teach her there is no need to activate her own voice. The message you send her is, Your voice is not important. There is no need to use it. I'll take care of your thinking and responding. When you speak for your child, you encourage her to do less speaking for herself in the future. Someone is in danger. We wish someone had spoken up before the massacre at Columbine High School a few years ago. We wish someone had used his or her voice before the most recent teen suicide. Whenever there is potential danger, we want and need children to speak up. And we want them to do it quickly. "I don't want to hear any tattling" a parent recently told her son as he began to tell a story about his older sister. But what if the older sister was stuck in a tree and was hanging from her broken ankle? What if the sibling was playing with matches? What if a schoolmate was urging her to sniff cleaning fluid? Teach your child the difference between getting someone IN trouble and getting them OUT of trouble. If your son wants to tell you about how his sister took his ball to get her in trouble, teach him to use his voice to communicate his desires and feelings to his sister. Teach him to say, "I don't like it when you take my ball. I want you to give it back." Be there with him when he speaks to his sister to make sure his words are heard. If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. "Mom, I see danger," "Shannon needs help," or "Trouble alert" work well as clues that danger is lurking. They feel afraid, angry, sad, hurt, or frustrated. Teach your children to communicate their feelings. Use feeling words in their presence often so they develop a broad-based feeling vocabulary. Say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now," "I get scared when I climb on the roof," or "I'm disappointed that the rain washed out my softball game." By using feeling words yourself, you help your children learn about their own feelings and the need to express them. You give them permission to have feelings and teach them the names for those feelings so they are more likely to articulate them in the future. Tell your youngster, "You seem really angry with your brother right now. Why not tell him how angry you get when he marks on your paper?" Say to your teen, "Sounds to me like you are deeply disappointed that your dad wasn't there on time. It might be helpful to him and to you to communicate that to him." Finding and learning how to use their own voice is a lifelong process for children. By implementing the above strategies with respect, patience, and understanding, we help our children gain skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll- free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com . Visit www.thomashaller.com , www.chickmoorman.com , and www.10commitments.net . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

The Five Mistakes Parents Make Helping New Grads Find Their Perfect Career Path by Leslie Godwin, MFCC www.LeslieGodwin.com What parent doesn't want their graduating child to get a good job and have a great life? The problem is that most parents make five mistakes that will add years to the time they can turn their child's room into a guest room. They may make it even more difficult for their children to enjoy their careers in the years to come. So how can parents:* Avoid the mistakes most parents make when helping their child choose a career path? * Help their child have the right approach to their career search, and eventually marriage and family? * Avoid having a 23 year old couch potato in their living room in a few years? Here are five common mistakes that parents make in their efforts to help their grads find the right career path, and some tips to avoid them: Don't let your anxiety cause you to advise your child to choose a "safe" career path. Anxious parents advise their child to be overly sensible in career choices so that they don't have to worry as much. They respond to their child's ideas by noting, "That won't pay the bills" and advise them to "be realistic." This means that their child won't take what might be the only opportunity in their life to explore what they feel is their calling, try out different ideas, and learn from their experiences. Don't hover. Hovering is a great way to wind up with a 23-year-old couch potato. Children need to be self-motivated and deal with natural consequences. Instead, whenever your child is really interested in an issue, BE CURIOUS. Ask him to tell you more about it. Don't jump to ways he can turn this interest into a job. (He can get a "day job" to earn some money while pursuing his interest, if necessary.) Simply FOLLOWING UP ON AN INTEREST is the goal if your child seems unmotivated or unsure about how to take this important step. Don't guide your child toward a prestigious job so you can brag to your friends. Actually, parents do this because they believe that if their child is outwardly successful, they'll be happy, even though external success has almost nothing to do with feeling fulfilled. The bragging is just a side-benefit. Don't lecture. Be a role model. Do what you love (especially parenting) with enthusiasm, curiosity, and passion. Your child will learn how to do something they love from your example. Don't pressure daughters to find a career path that will prevent them from being a stay-at-home-mom. Telling your daughter that "she can be anything she wants to be" is great. But what if she wants to be a stay-at-home-mom someday? There are certain careers that don't allow the flexibility to take several years off or work part-time from home. Some examples are partner in most law firms, physician, and many jobs in the entertainment industry. Whether or not you were a stay-at-home-parent, encourage them to consider full-time parenthood once they are married and ready for children. If they can bring up a child, they'll be well-qualified for just about anything when they resume their career path! Finding the right career path means staying in touch with your intuition and noticing what you are drawn toward. Being overly concerned about security or status, and being afraid of rejection, gets in the way of following your calling and seeing where it leads. And in my opinion, a calling isnsup1;t something a parent can have control over since it comes from a higher place than any of us. It's a lot easier to figure out a way to make a living doing what you love, than it is to figure out what you love when you're in your 40's with a family and you barely remember what you were once passionate about. So let your children stay in touch with what they care about and they'll eventually figure out how to turn that into an income. You may find that having a happy adult child with a meaningful career is something to brag about! Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, " From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life " published by Health Communications. For more information, go to www.LeslieGodwin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Parent#146;s Report Card Time by Lesley Spencer, MSc A friend recently told me that he took his son out for a burger. While they were eating, his son said, #147;Dad, do you know why I am eating so slow?#148; His dad said, #147;No. Why?#148; And his son replied, #147;So I can have more time with you.#148; Wow. Those are powerful, thought-provoking words. Kids need their parents. Kids desire their parents. They want our attention. They want our affection. And kids need our unconditional love and acceptance. How are you doing in that area? Maybe its time for us as parents to get a report card. What type of grade would you give yourself in the following areas? And perhaps more importantly, how would your children grade you? Take a moment to grade yourself and if you are up for it, ask your children to grade you as well. I praise my kids when they make good choices. _A _B _C _D _F I look for opportunities to encourage my children. I#146;m their best cheerleader. _A _B _C _D _F I point out their strengths and build up their self-esteem any chance I can. _A _B _C _D _F I comfort them in their disappointments. _A _B _C _D _F I enter into my child#146;s world by sharing time and talking with him or her daily. _A _B _C _D _F I apologize to my kids if I respond in anger or make a mistake as a parent. _A _B _C _D _F I ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions. _A _B _C _D _F I let them know I am a safe place if they need to talk. _A _B _C _D _F I look for teachable moments to teach my kids strong values. _A _B _C _D _F I try to role model healthy, moral choices for my children. _A _B _C _D _F I don#146;t withhold affection, praise or attention from my child as punishment. _A _B _C _D _F I don#146;t put unrealistic expectations on my children. _A _B _C _D _F I discipline in love, not in anger. _A _B _C _D _F I let my children know they are loved unconditionally and without qualification. _A _B _C _D _F A statement that has stayed with me for a long time is #147;Rules without Relationship = Rebellion.#148; Creating and maintaining lasting, deep, trusting relationships with our children is not quick, and it is not easy. But is it worth it? I think you know the answer. There are definitely areas I need to improve in as a parent. How about you? Like our children, we will get another report card. If you need to improve in some areas, take some time to work on them. One thing I make sure to tell my children often is that there is absolutely nothing they can do to make me love them any less. Sure, they can cause me to be disappointed, very disappointed, and even angry. But my love for them will never lessen. And my kids know that. To me, that deserves an #147;A#148;. Lesley Spencer is founder and director of the HBWM.com, Inc. Network which includes: the national association of Home-Based Working Moms ( www.HBWM.com ),Mom#146;s Work-at-Home Kit ( www.WorkAtHomeKit.com ) the eDirectory of Home Based Careers ( http://edirectoryofhomebasedcareers.com ), Mom's Work-at-Home Site ( www.momsworkathomesite.com ) and HBWM Canada ( www.hbwmcanada.com ). She has a Master's Degree in Public Relations and has been featured in numerous publications including Forbes, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Home Office Computing, Parenting, Business Start-Ups, Family PC and many others. She has been working from home for over 10 years and has two children ages 10 and 8. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Picky Eater? by Jodie Lynn www.ParentToParent.com I have two words for you: Picky Eater Do you have a picky eater? So do tons of other moms. So what can we do about it? Here are 10 things that work #150; they really work! YIPPEE! If you can come up with more #150; let me know! Healthy snacks count. Encourage healthy snacks throughout the day and try to time them so that they are not served close to meal times. Limit juice and milk. Juice fills up tummies and the kids do not feel hungry. Nevertheless, they end up whining that they are starving anywhere from one to two hours later -- and they really are. This is especially true of toddlers whose tummies are only as big as your hand made into a fist. While milk is good for kids, it can fill them up quicker than expected. Serving caffeine? Don#146;t. It has nothing but empty calories and tons of sugar not to mention the hyper activity it can induce. Give children small portions of table food that the rest of the family is eating during mealtime. If they are not allergic to a food you are serving, encourage them to at least have a small taste. This is known as a "thank you" bite. Don#146;t use desserts as a reward. This can cause a dependency on sweets not to mention weight gain and bad eating expectations. Try to stay calm. Do not scream, holler or yell if your child does not eat what you think he should. Did you know that if you make meal time a stressful event that your child will associate it as a negative endeavor in the life of a family? Have fun with shapes of the food. This will spark new interest. For example, shape sandwiches into sailboats and made the sails out of turkey or chicken. Make up a story. Try wheat crackers with tiny marshmallows and raisins smashed into the crackers on a yellow plate. Pretend to be Big Bird and peck the meal along with your child. Remember, kids live by Monkey See and Monkey Do rules. Serve peanut butter on rice cakes. Rice cakes now come in all types of flavors. Find out which one your kids like the best and let them have a little peanut butter on it. Substitute another nutritious "spread" if he is allergic to peanut butter. Shape the food with cookie cutters. Buy different shapes of cookie cutters to cut designs in cheese or cold cuts. Get creative with the eating utensils. Try measuring spoons or chopsticks. copy; 2005 Jodie Lynn Jodie Lynn is an award-winning internationally syndicated family/healthcolumnist and radio personality. Parent to Parent( http://www.ParentToParent.com ) is now going into its tenth year and appearsin newspapers, magazines, newsletters and throughout the Internet. She is a regular contributor to several sites including eDiets.com, MommiesMagazine.com and is the Residential Mom Expert for BabyUniverse.com. Lynn has written two books and contributed to two others, one of which was on Oprah and has appeared on NBC in a three month parenting segment. Her latest best-selling parenting/family book is Mommy-CEO, revised edition. Preorder Lynn's new book, " Mom CEO: Avoiding the Distressed Housewife Syndrome and Winning at Motherhood ," online or from any bookstore in early 2006. See www.ParentToParent.com for more details. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Have You Heard These Words Yet... I'M BORED! By, Jodie Lynn www.ParentToParent.com Summer is a wonderful time to take advantage of free stuff to do with your kids, especially when you hear those two negative but all too common words: I'm bored! Introduce one new hobby each week. Most everyone develops at least a couple of favorite hobbies early in life. Get creative. Introduce your child to painting, cooking, playing an instrument, dancing or a million other things. While they won't do much with the endeavor, it will expose them to something new each week and strike a chord with something that they might want to continue with during the school year. Visit a nursing home. Whether or not you have a family member in a nursing home, those folks love to meet new people, especially if they are kids between the ages of 5 to 18. Make cookies or bread and take treats on your first trip. They also love to get magazines and could care less if they are old -- they are new to them. Visit animal shelters. Show your kids what it's like to give back to the community animal shelter by allowing them to donate some of their money to one. Sometimes, if you will call ahead of time, they will tell you what kind of food and/or toys that they need. Explain to child beforehand that you are going to the shelter to say hello and have no plans to adopt a pet. This usually works well with kids ages 8 to 13. Backyard Magic. If you are unable to go camping, do it in your own back yard. Put up the old tent and watch the kids become excited. In fact, if it's too hot to sleep outside, pitch it in the living room or family room. It's still something new and exciting. Play music or tell spooky stories. Hint: spooky stories can always end on a happy note. Exercise Fun. Let the kids make up their own exercise routines, choose their own music and lead the program. They will exercise longer if they can create their own style and act silly too. Don't forget your local science center. It may not be free, but many have discount or coupon days. Take advantage by watching the paper for those days and/or coupons. Science Centers can be a child's best friend in exciting learning adventures, especially if they have mini shows. A mini show is usually a series of new topics that the science center schedules for the summer months. Each one may only be available for around two weeks and then a new one is scheduled. These are usually in addition to the main theme and keep families busy and kids happy. Take a nature walk. Sounds too simple, right? There are tons of butterflies, bugs, trees, and other amazing things to see if you really look. Bring along a throw away camera and let the kids take turns shooting whatever it is that they like best. It's an educational "jungle" out there, with all sorts of incredible creatures and plant life worth exploring. Try on cooking. Summer is the best time to cook with your kids. Let them try new recipes or add zing to some old favorites. Don't worry about perfect outcomes or the mess that they are sure to make. Making healthy snacks is usually a good place to begin -- let them choose the ingredients. It's summer! copy;2005 Jodie Lynn Jodie Lynn is an award-winning internationally syndicated family/health columnist and radio personality. Parent to Parent is now going into its tenth year and appears in newspapers, magazines, newsletters and throughout the Internet. She is a regular contributor to many sites including eDiets.com and is the Mom to Mom Expert for BabyCenter.com and has a regular family segment on four radio programs, one of which is syndicated to over 20 stations. She has written two books and contributed to two others, one of which was on Oprah and has appeared on NBC in a three month parenting segment. Her latest best-selling parenting/family book is Mommy CEO, revised edition . Preorder Lynn's new book, "Mom CEO: Avoiding the Distressed Housewife Syndrome and Winning at Motherhood," online or from any bookstore. See www.ParentToParent.com for details. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Why Do Decent, Intelligent People Have Hidden Values Conflicts? by Leslie Godwin, MFCC www.LeslieGodwin.com When I was young and naive, I figured that there were two types of people: there were people with decent values who cared about others, and then there were greedy, selfish types who didnsup1;t seem to care much about anything beyond their own skin. As you can imagine, that simple but shallow point of view didn't help me understand the world very deeply, so I launched into an ongoing search to understand people and their motivations, which has continued to evolve. I found that good people can hold values that conflict with their other values or priorities. These conflicts are usually hidden, since we rarely closely examine each of our fundamental beliefs. We do, however, feel stressed when these hidden conflicts inevitably clash. Feeling that stress is the best clue that you need to take a look at them. MY HIDDEN VALUES CONFLICT: I used to value being successful in a way that my parents and the outside world could immediately understand and respect. I also used to value being appreciated by people I didnt even respect, as well as those I did respect. (I just really wanted everyone to like me!) Was I a good person? I think so. Was I good at what I did? Yes. Was I developing a deeper sense of who I was? No. In fact, I didn't articulate that as a value at the time, since I was concerned with how other people saw me and with achieving traditional success. Self-awareness became a critical value, and it conflicted with wanting everyone to like me, or with becoming rich and famous. We are each unique in many important ways, so my story does not contain some kind of fundamental Truth that will resonate with every individual. But it did help me create a method for helping good and moral people understand that they probably have hidden values conflicts that may sabotage their best and most sincere efforts to be successful on their own terms. DOES THIS RING TRUE IN ANY WAY FOR YOU? Have you noticed a clash in values that has caused you to feel stressed? Other examples of values conflicts that many of us have struggled with at some point include: being an overinvolved son/daughter vs. a good spouse or parent earning more money vs. having more time for family and ourselves keeping the house spotless vs. taking more time for personal growth keeping others happy no matter how unreasonable their expectations vs. turning down requests from people who wonsup1;t be happy no matter what you do upholding your idea of ethical behavior vs. being a loyal employee/volunteer There are ways to resolve these differences without eliminating one side of the conflict -- in fact, getting rid of one side is the best way not to resolve the conflict if you define "resolve" as coming up with a higher-level understanding and coming to an inner peace with the issue or personal belief. I've found that once I understand where the conflict lies, that I can make a conscious effort to back up my true value. If I value being a mom first, then I will try to stop myself from feeling deprived that we can't go on regular vacations. Or if I value my husband telling me the truth when I ask him for feedback, I can't feel like a victim if he doesn't agree with my latest "bright idea." (I still wish he wouldn't critique my new sweatsuit with the fake fur around the collar. I guess I can't pick and choose where I want the truth from him.) When you re-examine your values, and consciously make choices that back them up, yousup1;ll find you're a lot less stressed because of the hidden values conflicts that can sneak up on you. Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, "From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life" published by Health Communications. For more information, go to www.LeslieGodwin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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Just Say No! Debbie Williams, copyright 2002 Recently I was gently reminded of the importance to plan and prioritize projects. I say gently, because the reminder was not directed at me but to my friends and colleagues. I watched a neighbor run back and forth between home and "errandland" three times in less than two hours, a colleague add another work project to her already full plate, and found myself thinking "No wonder busy men and women today are so stressed - we're afraid to say NO." What would happen if we said NO and really meant it? Would the sky fall if you did not bake cookies again for your son's class party? Would the internet shut down if you did not add fresh content to your website as scheduled? Would your manager fire you for passing on a new project? Most of the time, the answer to these questions is, ironically, NO. It's very easy for me to pass judgment on these overworked overly-stressed people, isn't it? After all, I'm an expert in efficiency and time management, conquering clutter and changing people's lives. But the part of me who is a worker, mother, wife, woman, neighbor, daughter, and friend shares the same struggle as you each and every day. Here are ways you can reduce the stress and constant overload in your work and home life, one day at a time: Prioritize - Use simple tools to plan your day such as lists and really use them to prioritize your time. Don't just make a running list of things to do today, but group them by A, B, and even C priority. Here's a tip: one of my clients likes to throw in a no-brainer to get herself motivated, such as MAKE A LIST, TURN ON COMPUTER, or PULL CHARTS. It's amazing how good you feel about yourself when you see a bright highlighted task crossed off your list! Delegate - Share the load. Yes, it's easy to do when you are the boss and it's your job to direct and coordinate people and projects. But take that concept home with you, and you can dish out several chores to free up your time. Teenagers and spouses can run an errand or two, your 10-year-old can set the table for dinner, and even the baby (well, he's 3 but you call him your baby anyway) can grab a pint-sized feather duster and help you chase the dust bunnies away. Make it as structured as you wish, but do pull this tool out of your Manager's Toolbox often - it's the best way I know to teach the kids responsibility and give mom and dad back a little free time to boot. Limit Interruptions - Don't have an open door policy, screen your phone calls, and stick to your rules. Manage your cubicle and home the same way, by concentrating on the task at hand and blocking out all the distractions. It's the new millennium, so use those shiny power tools! Let the voicemail or answering machine be your secretary to screen calls, provide outgoing announcements, or to put your mind at ease. Turn off the ringer to your cell phone during movies, dinner, and walks in the park with your husband. (It's ok, really. No one will call the SuperParent police on you for not being accessible 24/7.) Consolidate - By limiting interruptions during the day, you can focus on the immediate project or problem, then tackle the others at YOUR convenience. Voicemail has collected all those calls from clients or patients, and after your report is written, it's time for you to tackle them in a big time block. Run errands on one day of the week, rather than going back and forth to town. Farmers' wives know full well how practical it is to go into town on a routine basis, and even urbanites can learn from this practice. You'll save gas, finish just one more little task, and find some hidden time for yourself. Use time blocks - After using the time savers I mentioned earlier, you should be able to really focus on getting one or two of those A PRIORITY tasks accomplished. Not all of them, but some. And if your lists look like that of most of my clients, crossing just ONE thing off your list would be quite a feat! Most of us learn better with the help of visual aids, so close your eyes and picture this: Picture a slim attractive mother of 3 gulping down a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in one huge bite, and slurping down a BIG GULP in 4 swallows. Not a pretty picture is it? Wouldn't you like to tell that woman: Slow down, you're going to choke! That burger isn't going anywhere, so eat it slowly and savor it! Now picture that same woman slowly eating her cheeseburger one small bite at a time, savoring each morsel and enjoying the flavor of the grilled hamburger and cheddar cheese. She pauses to take a sip of her soda, taking the time to delicately wipe her mouth with a napkin. She chews her food and enjoys it, one bite at a time. Get the picture? No matter what the BIG task is, you can tackle it one bite at a time. Need to clean out the garage, but you're waiting for a weekend of uninterrupted time? It's probably never going to happen! But you CAN clean it an hour each night after you get home from work, and pretty soon it will actually be organized. It's not going to dissolve into the mist like Brigadoon, so taking your time can't really hurt, can it? One of my clients had not filed her personal papers for a year, and had almost given up. She was waiting for uninterrupted time to do this project all at once, but her husband and 2 kids kept her too busy. After learning her "system" and talking to her about the busy lifestyle she led, we came up with a new system, one that she would really use. She used the hour her youngest son napped to sort and do light filing of the huge paper stack, sitting with her older son during his "quiet time" as he watched a video. Mom worked at a slow pace, #1 son got some quality time with her, and #2 son recharged his batteries. Within 2 weeks, the project was completed - what was once an overwhelming task that made her feel overwhelmed had turned into a new filing system, and it didn't take forever to finish. Now she files her paperwork on a weekly basis, and feels such a sense of accomplishment! Most organizing projects can be approached using the "one bite at a time" method. This is not new, or earth-shattering, but it's nice to be reminded of the common sense tips now and again. Delegating, limiting interruptions, and planning are other management tools that have been around for ages. Use them in all aspects of your busy lives. And start saying No Thank You those additional tasks handed to you during the course of the day - your plate's already full. Debbie Williams is an author, speaker and radio host who offers toolsand training to help you put your life in order. Learn more tips like these in her book, Common Sense Organizing (Champion Press Ltd, January 2005). Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>