Relationships
Blog's for February, 2020
http://www.DrLaura.com
Dr. Laura
2024-03-19T10:22:40Z
2024-03-19T10:22:40Z
Dr. Laura
Overgiving Leads to Resentment
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Overgiving-Leads-to-Resentment/-12928565182097597.html
2020-02-12T18:33:00Z
2020-02-12T18:33:00Z
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><strong><em><br />By <span>Julie Bjelland, LMFT</span><strong></strong><em></em> </em></strong><br /><a href="http://www.juliebjelland.com" target="_blank">www.juliebjelland.com</a><br /><strong> </strong><em></em><br />
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<div> </div>
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<div>Do you often find that you give more than others in your friendships, relationships, or at work and don't get back what you give out? Do you feel baffled, maybe even irritated or angry, as to why other people are not as conscientious and thoughtful as you are? You probably think about the needs of others a lot and wonder why they aren't giving back the same as what you put in. Over time, these feelings can often lead to resentment. <br /><br /><strong>When your resentment tank is full you might experience the following:</strong></div>
<ul>
<li>Frequent dwelling or ruminating on how they make you feel.</li>
<br />
<li>Passive aggression.</li>
<br />
<li>Conversations that feel loaded and often lead to arguments.</li>
<br />
<li>Feeling unheard or not listened to.</li>
<br />
<li>Anger.</li>
<br />
<li>Irritation or annoyance about everything that person does or says.</li>
<br />
<li>Disconnection and lack of closeness.</li>
<br />
<li>Feeling invalidated.</li>
<br />
<li>Contempt.</li>
<br />
<li>Feelings of revenge.</li>
<br />
</ul>
<div>There is a group of people in the population (about 20%) who tend to think a lot about the needs of others and, therefore, give more than the majority. You are probably kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. If this sounds like you, then you might have an innate trait commonly referred to as the highly sensitive person (HSP) and brain differences that make you the way you are. It's a beautiful thing to be such a giving person in the world, but we have to be careful about overgiving to others and undergiving to ourselves.<br /><br /></div>
<div>A healthy compromise is when two people state their needs and then meet in the middle, but most HSPs start in the middle. We already consider what the needs of the other person are and give up our needs a little too early in the process. This is a problem because the other person often doesn't even know you've started in the middle and still expects you to compromise even more. When we get so far away from having our needs met, we develop resentment, and that is one of the most damaging things in a relationship, whether personal or work-related. So, in essence, overgiving and overcompromising damages the relationship because resentment creates a disconnect and darkens every aspect of that relationship.<br /><br /></div>
<div>Another factor that makes it hard is HSPs often spend so much time learning other people's needs that they often don't know their own needs. And if we don't know our needs, we can't get them met, which is another factor in building resentment. Additionally, it's common for HSPs to take on other people's jobs or responsibilities, which also feeds resentment. So, in the end, overgiving harms both our personal relationships and our work environment.<br /><br /></div>
<div>A healthy relationship is when each person communicates and advocates to get their core needs met and then gives and receives equally in mutual compromising. So what do you do if you already have resentment?</div>
<div><br />Change takes time so be patient with yourself in the process. Starting with awareness is a good first step.</div>
<ul>
<li>1. Start tracking what areas you notice build resentment in your life. Are they connected to certain people or situations?</li>
<br />
<li>2. Get clear about what your core needs are and how to communicate them. If you really struggle with this, try journaling, talking to someone close to you, or seeking out the support of a caring therapist.</li>
<br />
<li>3. Know that the people that have the hardest time with you creating boundaries are probably the people that you need the most boundaries with. Remember that overgiving will likely cause damage to the relationship, so creating boundaries that honor your needs is part of every healthy relationship.</li>
<br />
<li>4. Resentment also damages our ability to focus and concentrate and be efficient, so reducing resentment will improve our performance at work more than taking on everyone else's job description.</li>
<br />
<li>5. The people that love and care about you the most want you to feel your best, so practicing the right amount of downtime to process, rest, and restore will help you have clarity about your needs.</li>
<br />
</ul>
<div>Resentment eats up a lot of energy, so making these changes to lower your resentment and help you find more balance in your relationships will have long-lasting and far-reaching positive impacts. Sometimes when the resentment tank is too full, it can take time to reduce it, and getting professional support will often help you drain it faster. Once you reduce resentment, it's like a positive domino effect happens in every aspect of your life.<br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
<div><em><strong>Julie Bjelland</strong></em> is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and founder of <a href="https://www.sensitive-empowerment.com/">Sensitive Empowerment</a>. As a leader in the field of high sensitivity, Julie has helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) around the world reduce their challenges, access their gifts, and truly flourish and is on a mission to empower sensitive people to live their best lives. <a href="http://www.juliebjelland.com" target="_blank">www.juliebjelland.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Staff
2020-02-12T18:33:00Z
Wedding Planning Pitfalls to Avoid
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wedding-Planning-Pitfalls-to-Avoid/-697386629571927336.html
2020-01-06T22:56:00Z
2020-01-06T22:56:00Z
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><strong><em><br />By JoAnn Gregoli </em></strong><br /><a href="http://www.elegantoccasionsbyjoanngregoli.com" target="_blank">www.elegantoccasionsbyjoanngregoli.com<strong></strong><em></em><br /></a><strong> </strong><em></em><br />
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<div> </div>
<div>When planning a wedding you most know about what could go wrong. Wedding pitfalls are caused by lack of credible and sound knowledge on the subject matter. I always tell my couples that knowledge is power. Be in the know! There are so many resources out there today to help you and your wedding team overcome any obstacle that arises smoothly. So ask questions and hire the right people to make your dream a reality.<br /><br /></div>
<div>Once you've built a reliable team around you, who align with your vision of the event - this team consists of the bridal party, your wedding planner and family - TRUST your TEAM! Lean on them when things get overwhelming and the pressure starts to build.<br /><br /></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><strong>1. Buying a dress/picking a venue before setting a budget</strong><br />This may seem obvious, but you'd be surprised how many couples make this mistake. Yes, it's the biggest day of your life, but you don't want to spend more than you're comfortable spending, and you don't want to limit yourself on your music/flowers/photographer/etc. because you spent too much on the venue or the dress.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><strong>2. Not having a rain plan for an outdoor wedding</strong><br />Even if your wedding is in a dry season, you always want to have a plan so that there is no panic on your big day!</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><strong>3. Choosing your guests and wedding party too quickly</strong><br />This is especially important if you have a very long engagement. There are some people in your life whose invites are a given: your aunt and uncle, your grandma, etc. The friends that you want in your wedding party might not be such a given, and so it's important not to include people who might not end up being that important to you by the time your wedding comes around.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><strong>4. Being too hands-off</strong><br />Make sure that if you are having a destination or weekend long event, that your guests get itineraries and that everyone is aware of what is happening when and where. If guests are confused about where they are going or when they are supposed to be somewhere, your weekend can become way more stressful than it has to be.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<ul>
<li><strong>5. Being too hands-on when it comes to the details</strong><br />While you want to make sure that everyone has all the information that they need, you also don't want to micromanage. You need to trust your vendors, wedding planner, and venue staff to do their jobs.</li>
</ul>
<div><br />You shouldn't be worried about every little detail of how they get their jobs done (for example, don't assign specific bathroom break times for your wait staff or DJ. Relax - they know what they're doing.) As they say, don't sweat the small stuff.<br /><br /></div>
<div>Having stress during the planning process is inevitable, you cannot avoid it, but you can minimize it - There is delicate balance when planning a wedding and you must trust the team that you have assembled to execute it flawlessly.</div>
<div><br />Trust is one critical skill you need to acquire. Let GO and Let your trusted team do their thing. If you trust your planner and wedding party, that is half the battle.</div>
<div><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>JoAnn Gregoli </strong></em>is considered one of the top wedding planners in the world, and has been recognized as one of the Top 25 Most Influential Wedding Planners by Modern Bride Magazine. She is both The New Jersey State Coordinator and the New York Metro Coordinator of the Association of Bridal Consultants. After receiving her degree in Public Relations, JoAnn joined a PR firm where she planned events for many major corporations, as well as private events for corporate clients before she moved into the wedding planning space. To learn more about JoAnn Gregoli and her work, visit <a href="http://www.elegantoccasionsbyjoanngregoli.com" target="_blank">www.elegantoccasionsbyjoanngregoli.com</a>.<span style="background-color: #ffffff;"> </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</div>
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Staff
2020-01-06T22:56:00Z
What I Learned in My First Year as a Widow
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-I-Learned-in-My-First-Year-as-a-Widow/291374715605429909.html
2019-12-11T09:10:00Z
2019-12-11T09:10:00Z
<em><strong><br />By <span>Susan Ducharme Hoben</span><strong> </strong><em> </em><em> </em></strong></em><br /><span><a href="http://www.susanducharmehoben.com" target="_blank">www.susanducharmehoben.com<br /></a></span><strong></strong><em></em><br />
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<div><em>It is the way of all things that the night ends and the light returns. The light always returns.</em> - Brian Andreas<br /> <br />In the months following my husband Bruce's death, there was rarely a day that was not spent with friends or family. I adopted the mantra never turn down an invitation, and I received many - for lunches, dinners, birthdays, galas, dancing, poetry festivals, bluegrass festivals, hiking the Inca trail - and I continued to entertain at my house.<br /><br />I was getting on with my life, but I had a surreal feeling that I had been split in two, that the person going through the motions, and often enjoying them, was not me. The real "<em>me</em>" was observing from outside her body as I redefined a new "<strong>me</strong>" who looked the same, sounded the same, wore the same clothes, had the same friends but was no longer 1/2 of the single entity Bruce-and-Sue or Grandma-Pa. <br /><br />It first struck me when I casually looked in the mirror shortly after Bruce died and barely recognized the person staring back at me. Where did all those wrinkles and sags come from? Even in my 60's I still felt that, at heart, I was the 16-year-old Susie Ducharme that Bruce fell in love with, wiser, yes, but fundamentally the same spirit, and that was what I had had continued to see in the mirror. He steadfastly reflected back to me the essence of who I was, independent of a physical form that had changed over the years.<br /><br />In the first lull in dinner invitations, when I had the occasion to eat at home, I set the table for one on the screened porch, brought my plate out and sat down. My body convulsed in fight or flight, signaling something was terribly wrong. I couldn't eat where I had shared dinner with Bruce every summer evening. More than a year went by before I was able to eat dinner alone on the screened porch and enjoy myself. <br /><br />Shortly after, I naively decided to use the hot tub one evening, but my body and soul forcefully rebelled. It took more than a year before I was able to enjoy this simple pleasure without the love of my life. <br /><br />I was becoming aware of the many levels of loss that I had not anticipated. It was obvious that I would be grieving the loss of Bruce, the person I had loved for most of my life. What I was less prepared for was grieving the loss of a large chunk of myself. I had lost our past, the journey and the history that we had shared together, and I had lost our future that we had planned with each other. Our family structure had changed. The children and grandchildren may have noticed it more, but likely didn't know how to articulate it. For our granddaughter Mae we had always been GrandmaPa - one single name, one single entity. I had lost a chosen lifestyle that was core to who I was. I had chosen to marry Bruce and spend my life with him. I had not chosen to be single again. <br /> <br />Would I be able to do even the simple home maintenance tasks around the house? My first test was changing the water filter in the refrigerator. I put off for weeks what I now consider to be a trivial task. Why was a smart person like me unable to figure out how to manage a pool? I broke down in tears the first time I had to change the pool controls to use the hot tub. I did not recognize my feelings as being a loss of self-confidence, but I think that was the manifestation. With each task that I took over from Bruce, the loss somehow became more final. <br /> <br />I had read and been told that the first year after losing a loved one is the hardest, that after that when you've been through all the "<em>firsts</em>" alone, it gets a little easier. I moved my wedding band from my left to my right hand. I was not married anymore. I did not miss him any less or love him any less but I was not married. It was strange to remove my ring and even stranger to have it on my right hand. On my left hand, where it had been for 43 years I didn't even notice its existence. On my right hand, it was all I could feel. Everything I did was awkward. <br /> <br />But time does pass and the light returns. I cling firmly to his Einstein view of life, i.e., just as matter cannot be created or destroyed, only changed, there must be conservation of energy. Therefore, his soul, his energy, continues to exist somewhere, somehow, although I don't know the form.<br /> <br /> He visits me as an image in my dreams, a face that comes into focus and then continues to morph, even as I will it to stay. He is there in the green aura that I sometimes see when I'm doing yoga. He is with me when I swim in the ocean. I feel his loving energy when I hear I'm Every Woman or I Will Survive, the songs he danced to at our annual Celebration of Life parties, dressed in drag as his long lost sister Charmaine, returned from exile in Paris. And I continue to celebrate life every day. <br /> <br /> <br /><em><strong>Susan Ducharme Hoben</strong></em> is an award-winning author of <em><a href="https://susanducharmehoben.com/product/dying-well---our-journey-of-love-and-loss" target="_blank">Dying Well: Our Journey of Love and Loss</a></em> and renowned advocate for choosing the path of a peaceful end-of-life. Her insights challenge and inspire us to fundamentally shift our perspective on death. She is a sought-after media expert and has appeared on national media outlets, including NBC and ABC, and Sirius XM/Doctor Radio. Connect with Susan on <a href="https://susanducharmehoben.com/ https:/www.facebook.com/SusanDucharmeHobenAuthor/" target="_blank">Facebook</a>. To review additional articles and for more information on her work visit <a href="http://www.susanducharmehoben.com" target="_blank">www.susanducharmehoben.com</a>.<span style="background-color: #ffffff;"> </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</div>
</div>
Staff
2019-12-11T09:10:00Z
Overgiving Leads to Resentment
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Overgiving-Leads-to-Resentment/-516330016563116286.html
2019-11-20T18:33:00Z
2019-11-20T18:33:00Z
<em><strong><br />By <span>Julie Bjelland, LMFT</span><strong> </strong><em> </em></strong></em><br /><span><a href="http://www.juliebjelland.com" target="_blank">www.juliebjelland.com</a></span><strong></strong><em></em><br /><br />
<div>Do you often find that you give more than others in your friendships, relationships, or at work and don't get back what you give out? Do you feel baffled, maybe even irritated or angry, as to why other people are not as conscientious and thoughtful as you are? You probably think about the needs of others a lot and wonder why they aren't giving back the same as what you put in. Over time, these feelings can often lead to resentment.<br /><br /><strong>When your resentment tank is full you might experience the following:</strong></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Frequent dwelling or ruminating on how they make you feel.</li>
<br />
<li>Passive aggression.</li>
<br />
<li>Conversations that feel loaded and often lead to arguments.</li>
<br />
<li>Feeling unheard or not listened to.</li>
<br />
<li>Anger.</li>
<br />
<li>Irritation or annoyance about everything that person does or says.</li>
<br />
<li>Disconnection and lack of closeness.</li>
<br />
<li>Feeling invalidated.</li>
<br />
<li>Contempt.</li>
<br />
<li>Feelings of revenge.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div><br />There is a group of people in the population (about 20%) who tend to think a lot about the needs of others and, therefore, give more than the majority. You are probably kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. If this sounds like you, then you might have an innate trait commonly referred to as the highly sensitive person (HSP) and brain differences that make you the way you are. It's a beautiful thing to be such a giving person in the world, but we have to be careful about overgiving to others and undergiving to ourselves.<br /><br /></div>
<div>A healthy compromise is when two people state their needs and then meet in the middle, but most HSPs start in the middle. We already consider what the needs of the other person are and give up our needs a little too early in the process. This is a problem because the other person often doesn't even know you've started in the middle and still expects you to compromise even more. When we get so far away from having our needs met, we develop resentment, and that is one of the most damaging things in a relationship, whether personal or work-related. So, in essence, overgiving and overcompromising damages the relationship because resentment creates a disconnect and darkens every aspect of that relationship.<br /><br /></div>
<div>Another factor that makes it hard is HSPs often spend so much time learning other people's needs that they often don't know their own needs. And if we don't know our needs, we can't get them met, which is another factor in building resentment. Additionally, it's common for HSPs to take on other people's jobs or responsibilities, which also feeds resentment. So, in the end, overgiving harms both our personal relationships and our work environment.<br /><br /></div>
<div>A healthy relationship is when each person communicates and advocates to get their core needs met and then gives and receives equally in mutual compromising. So what do you do if you already have resentment?<br /><br /></div>
<div>Change takes time so be patient with yourself in the process. Starting with awareness is a good first step.<br /><br /></div>
<ol>
<li>Start tracking what areas you notice build resentment in your life. Are they connected to certain people or situations?</li>
<br />
<li>Get clear about what your core needs are and how to communicate them. If you really struggle with this, try journaling, talking to someone close to you, or seeking out the support of a caring therapist.</li>
<br />
<li>Know that the people that have the hardest time with you creating boundaries are probably the people that you need the most boundaries with. Remember that overgiving will likely cause damage to the relationship, so creating boundaries that honor your needs is part of every healthy relationship.</li>
<br />
<li>Resentment also damages our ability to focus and concentrate and be efficient, so reducing resentment will improve our performance at work more than taking on everyone else's job description.</li>
<br />
<li>The people that love and care about you the most want you to feel your best, so practicing the right amount of downtime to process, rest, and restore will help you have clarity about your needs.<br /><br /></li>
</ol>
<div>Resentment eats up a lot of energy, so making these changes to lower your resentment and help you find more balance in your relationships will have long-lasting and far-reaching positive impacts. Sometimes when the resentment tank is too full, it can take time to reduce it, and getting professional support will often help you drain it faster. Once you reduce resentment, it's like a positive domino effect happens in every aspect of your life.</div>
<div><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Julie Bjelland</strong></em> is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and founder of <a href="https://www.sensitive-empowerment.com/">Sensitive Empowerment</a>. As a leader in the field of high sensitivity, Julie has helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) around the world reduce their challenges, access their gifts, and truly flourish and is on a mission to empower sensitive people to live their best lives. <a href="http://www.juliebjelland.com">www.juliebjelland.com</a><span style="background-color: #ffffff;"> </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</div>
Staff
2019-11-20T18:33:00Z
The Wonder of Emotions: How They Make Relationships Possible
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Wonder-of-Emotions:-How-They-Make-Relationships-Possible/-474026379793354116.html
2019-10-10T18:57:00Z
2019-10-10T18:57:00Z
<em><strong><br />By <span>Dan Newby</span><strong> </strong><em> </em></strong></em><br /><span><a href="http://www.schoolofemotions.world" target="_blank">www.schoolofemotions.world</a></span><strong> </strong><em> </em><br /><br /> Most of us complain about how complicated and difficult relationships are. It isn't unusual to blame someone; the other person or ourselves. But, if we take a step back and look at what it is that makes a relationship possible in the first place, we may find a surprising solution. I did, and it changed my life. <br /> <br />Evolutionary biologists speculate that the reason we developed emotions was to make relationships possible. They allowed a mother and baby to bond, helping ensure the baby's survival. From there, emotions expanded to being the connecting fiber of every relationship. There is something wonderful about realizing that.<br /> <br />Fast forward to today. We are all in relationships but haven't learned very much about emotions and how they work. That is called emotional literacy, and it is just now being seen as worthy of study.<br /> <br />So how can emotional literacy enhance your relationship through emotional literacy? Here are a few ways:<br /><br /><em><strong>1. Notice your emotions:</strong></em> Emotions are "<em>the energy that moves us.</em>" No thought is turned into action without an emotion being involved; however, we often ignore or deny them. Sometimes we try to override them with logic of how things '<em>should be.</em>' Take time to reflect on the pattern of emotions you experience in your relationship? Journal and reflect on them without trying to do anything about them. Simply observe. Take time to notice and articulate your emotions as best you can. Quiet time and reflection are essential to building your awareness of all the emotions you experience<br /><br /><em><strong>2. Name your emotions: </strong></em>Studies show that most people verbally express only 15 to 20 emotions. There are more than 200. Naming emotions precisely expands your emotional range and choice and your ability to regulate them. Stop several times a day and ask yourself, "<em>what emotion am I experiencing at this moment?</em>" Write it down. If you aren't sure, name it as closely as you can. If there is more than one emotion, write that down. Don't try to explain it; just name it as precisely as you can. After two weeks, look back and notice what has happened. Did your range of emotions grow? Did you repeat certain emotions often? Are there some missing that you thought would be there? You are beginning to articulate your emotional palette. <br /><br /><strong><em>3.Understand your emotions:</em></strong> Every emotion has a story, an impulse, and purpose. Learning these allows you to see the logic of your emotions and make sense of them. When you understand that anger tells us we are experiencing injustice and helps us create a just world, it takes on a new significance. It enables you to understand the energy that is moving you and your partner.<br /><br /><em><strong>4. Navigate your emotions:</strong></em> Many people try to control their emotions and find it doesn't work. Another possibility is rethinking your relationship with your emotions. Learning to anticipate, select, and shift emotions brings a sense of peace. This is key to building a connected and inspired relationship. Ironically, we gain more control by giving up the attempt to control.<br /> <br /> <br />Through studies of neuroscience, psychology, biology, learning theory, and other disciplines, we are discovering the amazing role emotions play in every moment of our lives. Beyond relationships, they are essential in decision making, generating our values, and our personal identity. Building your emotional literacy is one of the most direct and empowering ways to create the relationships and life you want.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><em><strong>Dan Newby</strong></em> is the founder of <em><a href="http://www.schoolofemotions.world" target="_blank">schoolofemotions.world</a></em> and author of several well-received books on Emotional Literacy. He works with individuals and organizations globally to elevate their emotional awareness and competence. He is a global champion for emotional learning and literacy. Dan leads online courses and workshops throughout the world, helping people build their comfort and understanding of emotions. His book, The <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Unopened-Gift-Primer-Emotional-Literacy/dp/0692855785" target="_blank">Unopened Gift: A Primer in Emotional Literacy and other works</a></em>, can be found at <em><a href="http://www.schoolofemotions.world" target="_blank">www.schoolofemotions.world</a> </em>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2019-10-10T18:57:00Z
Entering Into Full Partnership With Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Entering-Into-Full-Partnership-With-Love/-903319519077422979.html
2019-07-30T18:57:00Z
2019-07-30T18:57:00Z
<em><strong><br />By <strong><em>Guy Finley</em></strong></strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.guyfinley.org" target="_blank">www.guyfinley.org</a><a href="http://www.susanducharmehoben.com" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Love often appears at our door as a beggar in disguise. There are countless ancient myths that tell how the gods would show up at the door of someone's home, appearing to be in dire straits. On the surface of things, they seem to be seeking food and shelter; but, in truth, they've come to ask if the ones they have chosen to visit will make room for them in their lives. And, as these stories go, whoever agrees to make this kind of sacrifice - for the sake of their unexpected visitors - is rewarded by them beyond their wildest dreams.<br /><br />In much the same way, love is always knocking on our door. But it never does so more stridently than when our heart closes itself off to our partner in the name of some unconscious pain that we blame on them. <br /><br />In unhappy moments like these, not only do we slam the door shut in the face of the one we love but, without ever knowing it, we also deny ourselves the precious, timeless gifts that only love can offer us: <em>a full partnership with all of its powers</em>. These gifts include the unfailing presence of an unconditional compassion for all that it embraces. This level of higher self-understanding can never be pulled into a fight with our partner because it can't be deceived into identifying with one side or another of some unconscious opposing force. <br /><br />Now, if it's not already clear, the part of us that rejects the offer of such a remarkable power lives on in us largely undetected. This happens because, for the most part, it dwells deep in some unlit region of our consciousness. But, we can begin the process of illuminating this lower nature by looking at a few of our own simple memories from days gone by. I'll spell out some of my own recollections, hoping that even if you don't share similar moments you can relate to them enough for us to arrive at the point they're intended to help make. <br /><br />When I was still very young, I loved watching TV at night with my parents in their bedroom. Inevitably, I would fall asleep and one of them would pick me up and tote me off to my own room. I can still remember the way it felt to be carried that way, in their arms, and dropping off back to sleep even before I was tucked in for the night. <br /><br />In later years, there were those most delicious moments when mom would bake a cake. She would make chocolate frosting using an electric mixer. It had a pair of detachable whisk-like attachments that - when covered with the frosting left clinging to them - my brother and I would get to lick clean. <br /><br />I loved these gifts that came with growing up and, of course too many others to mention. All of them were a part of being raised in a home that, for the greatest part, was governed by love. But, this isn't to say that being in the hands of love was always so comforting, or welcome. Other memories come from those times as well! <br /><br />There were many moments, more than I care to recount, that often felt punitive; as bitter as were the better ones sweet. Who can forget being "<em>summoned</em>" to his or her parent's side where you were brought to task for getting into some kind of trouble at school, with friends, or - as was often the case with me - getting into a scrap with my older brother. Where, in spite of all my clever excuses, I was found "<span style="text-decoration: underline;">guilty</span>" and sentenced for having broken the house rules...some of which I didn't even know existed until I broke them! <br /><br />In short, I adored all the comforts and pleasures, those natural gifts that come with being loved. On the other hand, I wanted nothing to do with the necessary, often painful corrections that this same love often called for. Talk about instant resistance! <br /><br />As the years rolled on - at least in my case, as I hope is true for you - I came to see that much of this unwanted guidance - dispensed for the sake of love - proved itself wise. And should this same hindsight hold true for you, then it means...we judged our parents falsely. They were not trying to take the joy out of our lives. What they "<em>wanted</em>" from us...<em>was to give us something that we just couldn't see we needed at that time</em>: a measure of their hard-won wisdom, including the hope that we might understand it enough to spare us some of the troubles and tears they used to pay for it. <br /><br />While growing up our tendency was to meet much of the guidance offered to us with resistance, if not out and out hostility. And, to remake the point, those who wanted to help guide us through these early days of our journey were not trying to make us unhappy; that was not their wish. We just weren't wise enough to want what they wanted to give us: a small measure of their understanding intended to help us escape some of the pain they didn't. <br /><br />In very much the same way as illustrated above, so goes our present relationship with some of the gifts that love wants to give us. We just can't yet recognize them yet...for what they are. Which brings us to this next important insight: <br /><br />If it's our wish to have and to know unconditional love with our partner, then our relationship can't just be about what we want - or don't want - from that love we share between us. If we want the "<em>real deal</em>," then we have to accept all of the gifts that come with loving someone, not just the ones that we recognize, or that otherwise seem desirable to us. <br /><br />Excerpted from <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Magic-Waking-Up-Together/dp/0738754099" target="_blank">Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together</a> by Guy Finley</em>. ©2018 Guy Finley. Used by permission from Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd for DrLaura.com<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Guy Finley</strong></em> is an internationally renowned spiritual teacher and bestselling self-help author. He is the Founder and Director of <strong><em><a href="https://www.guyfinley.org/" target="_blank">Life of Learning Foundation</a></em></strong>, a nonprofit center for transcendent self-study located in Merlin, Oregon. He also hosts the Foundation's <strong><em><a href="https://www.guyfinley.org/wisdom-school.html" target="_blank">Wisdom School</a></em></strong> - an on-line self-discovery program for seekers of higher self-knowledge. He is the best-selling author of The Secret of Letting Go and 45 other books and audio programs that have sold over 2 million copies, in 26 languages, worldwide. Guy's latest book <strong><em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Magic-Waking-Up-Together/dp/0738754099" target="_blank">Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together</a></em></strong> applies decades of spiritual wisdom to practical relationship challenges, transforming any relationship from mundane to magical! <a href="http://www.guyfinley.org" target="_blank">www.guyfinley.org</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-07-30T18:57:00Z
5 Ways to Cope with Your Loved One's Terminal Illness
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-to-Cope-with-Your-Loved-Ones-Terminal-Illness/610275427489350756.html
2019-07-08T18:15:00Z
2019-07-08T18:15:00Z
<em><strong><br />By <strong><em>Susan Ducharme Hoben</em></strong></strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.susanducharmehoben.com" target="_blank">www.susanducharmehoben.com<br /></a><br /><br />The day my husband Bruce was diagnosed with an aggressive stage 4 esophageal cancer is seared into my memory. How could this be happening? Bruce was one of the healthiest people I'd ever known. I was shaken to learn that many patients die within a year of noticing the first symptoms. I thought we were going to have at least twenty more years together, but it wasn't to be. <br /><br />After a roller coaster ride through the healthcare system, when it became clear that Bruce's cancer would not be tamed, that his illness was, indeed, terminal, he decided to stop treatment. Bruce transitioned from being someone who was sick and fighting for time to someone who was dying and fighting for other things-family, traveling, chocolate, and wine. <br /><br />The first and most important step we took was to accept that Bruce was dying and to concentrate on effectively dealing with the ramifications. That acceptance allowed us to focus on achieving the peaceful end-of-life that he wanted. I learned that I had an invaluable role to play, one that became even more critical as his illness progressed.<br /><br />If you or your loved one have not thought about or prepared for death, you may not know where to start when your loved one is faced with a terminal illness. I learned successful coping strategies when Bruce died. <br /><br />These 5 actions will help you feel more confident that you can handle the challenges ahead. <br /><br />1. <strong>Have "<em>The Conversation</em>" </strong><br />Talk with your loved one about what they want at the end of life and how you can help them. Is quality of life more important than quantity? Are they worried they'll get care that is too aggressive? Do they want to spend their last days at home? There are tools available to help them think through and document what they want at end-of-life. This may be one of the most intimate conversations you will have. <br /><br />2. <strong>Educate yourself about death</strong> <br />Confront your fear of the unknown by learning about what happens physically and emotionally at end-of-life. There are excellent books that will inform you about the process of dying, palliative treatments that are available and the many services that hospice provides. We didn't know that the body has an orderly shutdown process that makes predictable what will happen and when. Knowing what to expect helped us feel more calm, confident and prepared. <br /><br />3.<strong> Know what you're dealing with </strong><br />Understand the diagnosis and what you can expect in terms of symptoms, treatments and time frames. If your loved one doesn't already have a healthcare directive and healthcare power of attorney help them create these legal documents that will ensure they get the care they want. You will feel more confident and in control as the illness progresses and critical decisions must be made.<br /><br />4. <strong>Make the healthcare system work for you </strong><br />You have a powerful role to play in helping your loved one navigate a complex healthcare system. Take notes during doctor visits. Research what you've been told. Question your doctors. They are understandably optimistic, but it's critical to get a realistic idea of how much time your loved one has left. Know that an option is to decline treatments. Being in control will make you and your loved one feel more confident.<br /><br />5. <strong>Engage hospice</strong> <br />Bruce had hospice for just the last 10 days of his life. If I had known all that their nurses, social workers, and spiritual counselors did we would have started much earlier. They are far more than helping hands, though without those helping hands I couldn't have done all that was needed to fulfill Bruce's wish to die at home. They answered all our questions, ordered equipment and alerted us to when we could expect the physical and emotional changes that happened during Bruce's last days.<br /><br />Some people cope with difficult situations by denial, but the results can be devastating, especially at the end-of-life. If you are prepared and actively engaged and you are helping your loved one, you will feel powerful and grateful for the role you played in supporting them to achieve a peaceful end-of-life. <br /><br />Many more of us are dying from disease rather than sudden death. We are also living longer with terminal illnesses. The plus is that we have more time to say goodbye and to live fully until the end. When Bruce died we had been saying goodbye and easing his path for months, knowing what was coming. Our last months were some of the most celebratory, peaceful, and intimate we had shared during our forty-six years together.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><em>Susan Ducharme Hoben</em></strong> is an award-winning author of <em><a href="https://susanducharmehoben.com/product/dying-well---our-journey-of-love-and-loss" target="_blank">Dying Well: Our Journey of Love and Loss and renowned advocate for choosing the path of a peaceful end-of-life</a></em>. Her insights challenge and inspire us to fundamentally shift our perspective on death. She is a sought-after media expert and has appeared on national media outlets, including NBC and ABC, and Sirius XM/Doctor Radio. Connect with Susan on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SusanDucharmeHobenAuthor/" target="_blank">Facebook</a>. To review additional articles and for more information on her work visit <a href="http://www.susanducharmehoben.com" target="_blank">www.susanducharmehoben.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-07-08T18:15:00Z
Death Is Not Like The Movies
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Death-Is-Not-Like-The-Movies/-166085648377321248.html
2019-05-31T19:15:00Z
2019-05-31T19:15:00Z
<em><strong><br />By Julie Samrick</strong></em><br /><a href="http://juliesamrick.com/" target="_blank">www.juliesamrick.com</a><br /><br /><br />It's not like in the movies.<br /> <br />For every woman I've talked to about her labor and delivery experience, just as many scenarios unfolded. Unlike the movies, when my children were born, there was no sudden jolt of pain with a baby in my arms mere minutes later. There were weeks of startling, and then frustrating, contractions that always petered out, eventually ending around my due date with scheduled inductions. With my fourth child I went a week past my due date to see if I could go into labor on my own. "<em>What would happen if it was 100 years ago and I lived in the wilderness?</em>" I asked my OB in frustration. "<em>You probably would have died,</em>" she answered matter-of-factly. <br /><br />My mom was present for all 13 of her grandchildren's births- in the waiting rooms or at most a few miles away at one of her four daughters' homes, caring for the new big brothers and, or, big sisters. She was always the first visitor, the first person to inspect the new baby to say, "<em>He or she looks just like so-and-so.</em>"<br /><br />With my first baby I needed her to help me give him his first bath. With my other children, I wanted her to. When people swooped in to hold the new baby, my mom was the one person who never took her focus off of me.<br /><br />She was an integral part of the celebrations and the baby showers that my sisters and I threw for one another. She was always there, beaming with pride and even more love for her growing family.<br /><br />So in the days leading up to her death on February 26 of this year, only 33 days after a cancer diagnosis, I was struck by how death is also not like in the movies. For 33 days my sisters and I were by our mom's side. There were certainly tears, but I was surprised by how much beauty and laughter there was too. With her quick deterioration, our care for her was at first emotional and then included physical. We were there to manage the many visitors and the many impromptu celebrations of her life that unfolded, which I am so grateful she was able to witness. <br /><br />"<em>Can you believe this?</em>" she would marvel multiple times every single day when another act of love was said or done for her. <br /><br />The only thing that made her cry was when she thought about her 13 grandchildren, who range in age from 2 to 20 years old. "<em>I really thought I'd get to be at their graduations and at least a few of their weddings,</em>" she'd say, worried mostly about the three youngest and that they will not remember her. She felt it important to have a one-on-one talk with each of them to tell them the qualities she loved most about them. The one piece of advice she gave to all of our children was: Be kind and always try to see the good in others. <br /><br />During her last few days, when she lost her ability to speak and her breathing slowed, my sisters and I held vigil. I said to our regular hospice nurse, "<em>For some reason I keep thinking of childbirth. Is that strange?</em>" <br /><br />"<em>Not at all,</em>" she responded. "<em>I like to think of it as there is a birthing in and a birthing out...This is the birthing out</em>." <br /><br />In the end of my mom's journey on earth, I wished we could have had that one last conversation about it; one more talk between her and her Little Women as we had discussed every other life-changing event in our lives up until then. But I feel peace that, just as she saw our first breaths, we were able to be with our mom when she took her last. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Julie Samrick</strong></em> is a stay-at-home mother of four children, the founder of <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pg/KidFocusedcom-209494072409111/posts/" target="_blank">Kid Focused</a>, and author of <em><a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Murphys-Miracle-Dogs-Wild-Journey/dp/1945060107/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1531149230&sr=8-5&keywords=murphy%27s+miracle" target="_blank">Murphy's Miracle: One Dog's Wild Journey</a></em>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-05-31T19:15:00Z
Release These 3 False Beliefs About Your Partner That Drag You Both Down
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Release-These-3-False-Beliefs-About-Your-Partner-That-Drag-You-Both-Down/-242532793666907619.html
2019-05-20T19:19:00Z
2019-05-20T19:19:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Guy Finley</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipmagicbook.com/" target="_blank">www.relationshipmagicbook.com</a><a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Inside all of us is a confusion of ideas and expectations that have been built up over the years through our experiences, books we've read, movies we've seen, opinions of people who seemed to be "<em>in the know</em>," and endless other sources.<br /><br />Much of this "<em>information</em>" is distorted, irrelevant, or just plain wrong. Nevertheless, these are the ideas that precede us into any situation, coloring what we see, and making us compare and judge reality against the picture in our minds. <br /><br />These false beliefs shape the world we experience so that old pains and problems are reseeded into every new moment; their unseen influence is one of the reasons why we find ourselves so often re-living certain unwanted experiences over and over again. We may blame some outside condition for our discontent, but the fact is most of what troubles us about life, does so because we "believe" it's not supposed to be like that! <br /><br />All of this is particularly true when it comes to our human relationships. Our relationships with others, especially with our partner in life, are fraught with expectations, need, and false beliefs. <br /><br />And we've all seen how new relationships are haunted by the ghosts of the past. Old painful patterns are repeated when we enter the new relationship with the same false beliefs that shaped the old ones. To break away from old patterns and find freedom to love with an unchained heart, we must be willing to see our own false beliefs that are the secret source of our unhappiness with others.<br /><br />Here is a list of three false beliefs that betray our hearts and poison our relationships. The more aware we can become of these long-conditioned false beliefs and how they compromise our ability to have fulfilling relationships, the more freedom we will win from them:<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>False Belief # 1:</strong></em> Our value as a person is determined by how others see us. If we believe our individual worth depends on how others see us, we live with the fear of being judged by them, where trying to win their approval causes us to compromise ourselves again and again. People sense this kind of weakness in us, causing them to resist us, which in turn, makes us feel even "<em>needier.</em>" The cycle deepens, things get worse. <br /><br />Here's the solution. Seeing its truth sets us free: we are not in this world to "<em>win</em>" what we believe we must to feel "<em>good</em>" about ourselves, but rather to realize that who we are - our True Self - is already whole, happy, and complete.<span> </span><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>False Belief #2:</strong></em> We are responsible for the happiness of others.Each of us experiences disappointment and heartache in life. It's part of the process through which we learn to let go of unnecessary demands and false dependence on others. There's nothing any of us can do to determine the level of happiness of another. <br /><br />We may temporarily please them, but ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves. Even in the most loving relationship, each person is self-responsible. Don't let anyone else coerce you into believing their happiness depends on you. And don't you try to coerce anyone else.<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>False Belief #3: </strong></em>We have to put up with and tolerate people who have made the choice to live with negativity and spread it to others.If our partner is always spewing negativity on us, we should not act as though it's okay. We're not doing them, or ourselves, any favors by placating them or bowing to their negativity. If we don't learn "how to use" their negativity to strengthen ourselves, our own negative reaction to them will use us up. <br /><br />Instead, we can make up our mind that when we see our partner in that negative state, our attention will remain on our own reactions to them and not on the other person. This shift in attention helps us realize what it is we really need to be free of... "<em>ourselves</em>"! This helps keep us from getting dragged into their state. As a bonus, our new way of acting toward them may actually help them see themselves and give them a chance to come out of their negative state on their own. <br /><br /><br />As you consider each of the above three points, ask yourself these questions - and be honest:<br /><ol>
<li>Look back over your own experiences and actions to see if there's any proof that you do hold this false belief.</li>
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<li>Really seeing this will strengthen your wish to change.</li>
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<li>Let your desire to stop compromising yourself lead to a genuine life.</li>
<br /> </ol>When you work with these ideas you may make some discoveries that are difficult to bear. Welcome them instead of resisting your own reaction to them. As you do this you'll come to realize that your most important relationship in life is with the Truth that sets you free. Work on building that, and all your other relationships will benefit.<br /><br />Finally, consider this last thought: The real source of our resentment toward others is not due to the power we think they have and hold over us; rather it arises from a secret weakness within us that keeps us believing that someone else holds the key to our well being.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Guy Finley</strong></em> is an internationally renowned spiritual teacher and bestselling self-help author. He is the Founder and Director of <em>Life of Learning Foundation</em>, a nonprofit center for transcendent self-study located in Merlin, Oregon. He also hosts the Foundation's <em><strong>Wisdom School</strong></em> - an on-line self-discovery program for seekers of higher self-knowledge. He is the best-selling author of The Secret of Letting Go and 45 other books and audio programs that have sold over 2 million copies, in 26 languages, worldwide. Guy's latest book <em><strong><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Magic-Waking-Up-Together/dp/0738754099" target="_blank">Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together</a> </strong></em>applies decades of spiritual wisdom to practical relationship challenges, transforming any relationship from mundane to magical! <a href="http://www.relationshipmagicbook.com/" target="_blank">http://www.relationshipmagicbook.com/</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-05-20T19:19:00Z
5 Reasons Gender Role Reversal Typically Doesn't Work for Families
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Reasons-Gender-Role-Reversal-Typically-Doesnt-Work-for-Families/92548443368005352.html
2019-04-19T08:20:00Z
2019-04-19T08:20:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Suzanne Venker</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank">www.thefeministfixer.com<br /></a><br /><br />I received an email recently from a woman named Aimee who thanked me for speaking out about the importance of husbands supporting their families. Aimee has a Ph.D. and was the spouse "<em>holding the family together as the breadwinner.</em>" But when she was laid off, she said, things turned ugly.<br /><br />"<em>I became resentful because my husband didn't have the same drive and motivation I did to succeed. As such, I'm now separated with two children; but I know if my ex-husband was on a trajectory toward success rather than taking the path of least resistance we could possibly be married still.</em>"<br /><br />Aimee's story highlights an all-too-common relationship scenario: one in which the woman, not the man, is the primary breadwinner. <a href="http://www.aei.org/publication/women-earned-majority-of-doctoral-degrees-in-2016-for-8th-straight-year-and-outnumber-men-in-grad-school-135-to-100/" target="_blank">If current trends continue</a>, as they're predicted to do, more couples than ever will be in this boat. <br /><br />For most of them, this arrangement will not end well. <br /><br />Here are 5 reasons gender role reversals typically don't work:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>The vast majority of women prefer to work part-time or not at all when they have children. </strong>If a wife is unable to stay home with her kids at all-in any capacity-because she married a man who does not have a stable job or if she and her husband made financial decisions based on two incomes instead of one, she will become frustrated with, and resentful toward, her husband. Even if the choices were made by both partners, not being able to get by on one income, even for a short time, will cause conflict.</li>
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<li><strong>Husbands who are financially dependent on their wives are significantly more likely to cheat.</strong><a href="http://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/savvy/journals/CS/Jun15ASRFeature.pdf" target="_blank">This study</a>, also by the American Sociological Review, found that men who are 100% economically dependent on their spouses were most at risk for cheating-three times more than women married to male breadwinners.Men get a lot of flak for the idea that they're threatened when their wives work, but that isn't it. It's far more likely the husband is just lonely because his wife no longer has time for him.</li>
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<li><strong>Men who do a lot of housewife-type tasks are less likely to have sex.</strong><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0003122412472340" target="_blank">In yet another study by the ASA</a>, researchers found that couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks-such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance-report higher sexual frequency.</li>
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<li><strong>If the wife becomes the breadwinner and the father stays home, she will likely become jealous of her husband's close relationship with the kids.</strong>It sounds counterintuitive-you'd think a wife would be thrilled to have a husband who stays home with the kids or whose job is more flexible and thus allows him to take on more child care at home-but breadwinning wives tend to feel insecure about their relationship with their children. If the husband takes on the lion's share at home, it is he to whom the kids will turn. This can become yet another source of resentment.</li>
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<li><strong>Wives who earn more than their husbands are chronically exhausted from working full time and taking care of the house and the kids.</strong>Most husbands aren't going to care for the house and kids in the same way most wives do. Women tend to have expectations for how they think life at home should be, and when the husband doesn't do things accordingly, the assumption is that he isn't doing enough. In reality, he may just be doing things his own way. Either which way, conflict ensues.</li>
</ol><br />None of this is to argue for strictly separate gender roles in a marriage-there's almost always an overlap. Nor am I saying a full-on gender role reversal can never work. But the effort that must go into it is huge. And those who do make it work are the exception, not the rule.<br /><br />Bottom line: Don't think making more money than your husband doesn't matter. It does.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Suzanne Venker</strong></em> is an author, columnist and relationship coach known as The Feminist "<em>Fixer</em>." A wife of 20 years and mother of two, Suzanne liberates women from the equality narrative and inspires them to feel secure in their femininity and courageous about finding lasting love. Suzanne's most recent book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Alpha-Females-Guide-Men-Marriage/dp/1618688448" target="_blank">The Alpha Female's Guide to Men & Marriage</a>, helps bossy women learn how to become better wives. You can find Suzanne at <a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank">www.thefeministfixer.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-04-19T08:20:00Z
My Non-Anxious Engagement: 4 Ways To Take The Anxiety Out of That Life Long Commitment
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Non-Anxious-Engagement:--4-Ways-To-Take-The-Anxiety-Out-of-That-Life-Long-Commitment/921080048307896925.html
2019-04-03T19:43:00Z
2019-04-03T19:43:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Trish Barillas</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.trishbarillas.com" target="_blank">www.trishbarillas.com<br /></a><br /><br />Anxiety has recently become a popular topic to discuss these days due to our willingness to share what we now understand to be a very human issue. As a long time anxiety sufferer turned anxiety expert, I feel more validated and less alone to see us having a more open dialogue about what has for so long been a private anguish. <br /><br />From first-hand experience, I know how severe anxiety can be as it relates to romantic relationships. Given our new ways of meeting and connecting with each other via social media platforms/apps you never know who's coming or going or even worse, for how long? <br /><br />Our fears of being too forward, aggressive or even possibly upsetting our partner can create such unneeded stress, making it difficult to state our basic needs and desires. Sometimes just thinking about a "<em>life long commitment</em>" can trigger strong waves of anxiety or panic. <br /><br />Our head can tell us that this is what we want, that this is what we have longed for our whole lives. However, without warning, in swoops our anxiety, which hijacks our body and mind telling us with the force of a megaphone "<em>RUN! ABORT MISSION! HEAD FOR THE CHOPPER!</em>"<br /><br />I was one of these people. At age 40 I had never been married, engaged, or had any kids. But I was a relationship addict. As long as I had a boyfriend, I felt reassured that I wasn't alone, that I had a safety net, and that I could focus on someone other than me. I've suffered with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) along with Panic Disorder since the age of 5 years old, which wasn't diagnosed professionally until I hit 20. I wasn't medically treated until I hit 35. <br /><br />Those first three decades were like living in a mental prison. I couldn't sustain weight, couldn't sleep, couldn't travel, and couldn't bring myself to commit to anyone beyond the superficial boyfriend tag. Transitions and change are hard for me, so I tried to avoid both at all costs. <br /><br />I met my fiancé Charlie at 39. Here are 4 ways in which I was able to say yes to the man I love without triggering my anxiety/disaster mentality. <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Have an open & honest conversation:</strong> Pick a time that you both are at ease to talk about marriage in general. After a year and a half, my boyfriend (48, never married, no kids) and I sat down at brunch and asked each other "<em>Where are we going?</em>" We voiced our views on getting engaged before moving in, which is what my anxiety needed. Talking about my needs was a game changer for my anxiety. It took away the pressure and the fear of the unknown that can be debilitating for anxiety sufferers. One thing I could never handle was how past boyfriends thought they could fix me. It's not what an anxiety sufferer wants to hear. Charlie does not have anxiety, and my need to be heard was more important than being understood. It was a big first step toward a bigger commitment.</li>
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<li><strong>Simplicity is best:</strong> The unknown is terrifying for those of us with anxiety, and I continue to struggle with today. With marriage to Charlie an actual possibility, I needed to take out the hoping and waiting out of the equation. We were very straightforward about the type of proposal we both wanted and we discovered they matched. A quiet space with only our families present, no roses, candles or hidden photographer was what I wanted. The unknown's easily triggered me. He knew what my level of comfort was, and our open communication allowed him to shape his proposal ideas around my needs. Now don't get me wrong, a Big Baller proposal is great, nothing against a flash mob, but if you know what will keep your anxiety at bay, you need to ask for it. </li>
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<li><strong>Pick your rings: </strong>Through this process, I realized how important it was for me to pick out my own ring. I would have been an anxious mess if I left it to him, solely for the fact that this is a ring I need to wear my whole life and look at on the daily. Trust me when I say this <em>PICK YOUR RING!</em> Everything looks different on; no one's hands are like yours. If you get a manicure and you let someone talk you into some color that you think, "<em>Well ok that might look good</em>", the next thing you know, you're walking into another salon to have it removed and replaced with a color you really love. Your ring is an extension of you and your partner, so why not pick it out together too? The experience is magical in its own right. And when Charlie finally turned to me during one of our weekend brunches and said, "<em>Would you like to go ring shopping</em>"? I didn't have a second thought about saying yes. I couldn't have done that if out of nowhere he dropped to a knee with some ring he picked out. My anxiety couldn't have handled that.</li>
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<li><strong>Make it your own: </strong> For me to feel less anxious about planning a wedding, I needed to first ask myself, what's the point? One thing that would always trigger me would be the expectations of a traditional wedding. I would worry about bridesmaids, who to ask, who would I offend if left out? I would worry about the cost for my wedding party, and the expected rituals that always filled me with anxiety, and made me cringe (cake ceremony, engagement parties, bachelorette parties, etc.) I needed Charlie and me to sit down and really discuss not only what we would like the day to be about, but also a frank discussion about what my anxiety could handle. You can make anything a reality. I don't like the cutting of a cake tradition so we are cutting it out of our day. I know that my fiancé doesn't like to wear rings, so instead of a wedding band, I'm giving him a watch of equal value to my ring of his choice. We are getting married to each other in our way, with an understanding that our decisions need to create less chaos and more Zen. Anxiety lives in the past and in the future, therefore, the more present I am with our planning the least likely anxiety is to pop up. Staying present and true to who I am as an anxiety sufferer has been the reason why I am finally able to say yes to a man that I love for as long as humanly possible. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Trish Barillas</strong></em> has been a Life Coach for over a decade specializing in anxiety, breakups and job advancements. Trish is the author of first ever <a href="https://www.instagram.com/afaceofanxiety/" target="_blank">Instabook @afaceofanxiety</a> an autobiography of her journey living with anxiety/panic disorder. She is also the founder of 3GS Charity where she helps raise funds for rural villages in Guatemala. You can find her on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tbarillas/" target="_blank">Instagram</a> and check out her book on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1541248651/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_ljiwCbC4Q35EH" target="_blank">Amazon</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-04-03T19:43:00Z
How Being Centered Can Help You Find You Find Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Being-Centered-Can-Help-You-Find-You-Find-Love/318659957289285756.html
2019-03-20T19:43:00Z
2019-03-20T19:43:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Dr. Stephanie Burgos<br /></strong></em><a href="http://www.healthyerdoc.com" target="_blank">www.healthyerdoc.com</a><a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank"><br /><br /></a><br />I was having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine who is single, and she was expressing her concerns about how she cannot find a partner to save her life. As a busy medical professional she didn't have time for games, and she was starting to feel like her impatience and frustrations with not being able to find a mate was hurting her career-wise because she was bringing that negative mood and energy into her work and every other part of her life. <br /><br />I could sense the impatience and sadness within her. She went on to tell me how she was feeling really stressed, putting a lot of pressure on herself, and feeling like everyone else had found love but her. I looked at my successful friend, who had gained a few pounds since I last saw her, and asked her a simple question: <em>"What do you do to feed your inner self every day?</em>"<br /><br />She stared at me blankly and said, "<em>I'm too busy. I honestly don't do anything for me.</em>"<br /><br />This is something I hear way too often. Whether I am talking with my patients in the ER or with my clients over a private video chat; women are not making enough time to connect with their inner self and as a result, are putting out low-vibe energy waves stopping them from finding true love. <br /><br />Does this sound like you?<br /><br />You will attract what you put out. And if you are looking for a positive, loving, encouraging partner, then guess what? You have to be those things first. You cannot expect someone to come into your life and bring those feelings to you and your life.<br /> <br />So how do you do that?<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Become best friends with your inner girl.</strong> A best friend loves, encourages, and supports. She tells you when to shut up when you are not making sense, and she invites you to speak louder when you are preaching the truth! She pushes you to do things that you are afraid to do because she believes in you. It is so important that you realize that you must be that voice for yourself. </li>
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<li><strong>Lead with gratitude.</strong> This is one practice that has completely shifted the way I perceive life. Gratitude is one of those fantastic emotions that when you are feeling it, you cannot feel anything negative simultaneously. Appreciation leads to love. When you start your day with gratitude, it increases your vibration and brings you more joy. And because you are starting your day in this high energy state, you will continue to put out those positive waves throughout the day, bringing more positive connections and experiences to you. </li>
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<li><strong>Start a practice of meditation.</strong> For many years I kept telling myself that I would never be able to meditate. My mind was always continually racing. Meditation allows you to slow down and connect more with yourself. It helps to get rid of the racing thoughts in our head that can sometimes consume us and shows us how to be more in the present moment. It also helps us stay calmer as life throws obstacles in our way and as we communicate with people. If you want to improve your emotional strength, then meditate! </li>
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<li><strong>Get MOVING daily. </strong>Commit yourself to move your body every day. Whether it is going out for a walk, going to your local gym or working out from home - strengthening your body will not only help you stay in shape but will also boost your confidence. And confidence is essential in finding the right person. When you are insecure in your body, you will tend to attract insecure men who will not treat you well. </li>
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<li><strong>Take Responsibility for your Mindset.</strong> In all honesty, there is very little that we can control in this world. However, what we CAN control is how we react and perceive things that happen to us. We cannot change the way others act or what they say, but we can control our mindset and emotions. No one should ruin your day or your week or your month! Everyone has a right to live their life as they wish and it may very well be different than how you live yours. If you can embrace the differences and not take specific actions and words so personally, then you will see that you will have more peace in your life and resultantly, attract that energy into your world.</li>
</ol><br />I know that in this fast-paced world we want everything to come to us quickly: success, money, and love! However, when it comes to finding love, sometimes there are specific lessons we need to first learn about ourselves before we find that special person. Relationships work best when you fully know who you are and feel centered and confident in what you have to offer. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Dr. Stephanie Burgos</strong></em> is not only one of the nation's acclaimed Emergency Medicine Physicians, she is also a best - selling author, lifestyle and <a href="https://ownyoursexycoursewl2.qwkcheckout.com/" target="_blank">confidence coach</a>, wellness expert, speaker, and social influencer. Dr. Stephanie works with women on how to balance mental and physical fitness with personal and professional success so they can renew their energy, restore clarity and rebuild confidence. You can learn more at <a href="https://healthyerdoc.com/" target="_blank">healthyerdoc.com</a> and follow <a href="https://www.instagram.com/healthyerdoc/" target="_blank">Dr. Stephanie on Instagram</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-03-20T19:43:00Z
The Hidden Costs of 'Shacking Up'
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Hidden-Costs-of-Shacking-Up/11956388695820911.html
2019-03-12T17:43:00Z
2019-03-12T17:43:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Suzanne Venker<br /></strong></em><a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank">www.thefeministfixer.com</a><a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />You won't be surprised to learn that cohabitation, or '<em>shacking up</em>,' has skyrocketed in the U.S. Specifically, it has increased over the past half-century by more than 1,500 percent. '<em>Living in sin</em>' is in vogue. <br /><br />But that doesn't mean it's smart. <br /><br />Many people say they shack up for economic reasons, but the research shows most couples do so in order to test the waters. This is especially true for those who are products of divorce and don't trust marriage as an institution. They think living together will help their chances of success.<br /><br />It won't. <br /><br />There is <strong>zero</strong> evidence that shacking up is helpful to marital happiness or longevity. There is, however, plenty of evidence that it's harmful. <br /><br /><ol>
<li>Shacking up is linked to lower levels of commitment and increased likelihood of divorce. </li>
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<li>Women are far more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or to postpone commitment. This gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment, which makes sense since the partners clearly aren't on the same page.</li>
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<li>Shacking up doesn't allow for the objectivity couples need in trying to determine whether or not they should marry. Instead, they get in deeper and deeper until they can't see the forest for the trees. As a result, they end up "<em>sliding"</em> into marriage rather than "<em>deciding</em>" to marry. Living in separate spaces makes it easier to make a well-thought-out decision.</li>
<br /> </ol>But the greatest problem with shacking up is the one we never talk about: the psychological toll that moving in with someone, only to later move out, takes. It may be logistically easier to separate after shacking up than it is after getting divorced, but the emotional baggage people carry with them into their new relationship is often no less significant than had they gotten a divorce. And if you've had multiple living partners, you can multiply the baggage. It's like getting divorced several times over. The ability to trust diminishes with each broken relationship, often until one's ability to trust has been completely shattered. It can also do considerable damage to a woman's self-worth.<br /><br />There's also the fact that lack of commitment makes most women uneasy. A woman's need for emotional security is more pronounced than a man's; so no matter how content a woman may appear to be in a cohabitating relationship, deep down what she really wants is a ring.<br /><br />There's just no upside to cohabitation. At the very least it will take up valuable time that could otherwise be spent dating marriage-minded men. I can't tell you the number of women I hear from who've wasted years of their lives living with men who will never commit to them. Don't be that woman!<br /><br />If all of this isn't convincing enough, there's this: you have a biological clock, and your boyfriend does not.<br /><br />That means shacking up benefits him, not you since you will potentially waste x number of years hoping, but not knowing, if the relationship will work out. Then you'll feel the clock ticking and begin to inquire whether or not he plans to marry you. If he refuses, you're back to the drawing board at a very late age. And that's not a place you want to be.<br /><br />For all of these reasons, your best chance at lasting love is to establish a relationship while living in your own apartment-that way you're not locked in. In the past, that was called dating. <br /><br />And it works.<br /><br /><br /><br />Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and relationship coach known as The Feminist "<em>Fixer</em>." A wife of 20 years and mother of two, Suzanne liberates women from the equality narrative and inspires them to feel secure in their femininity and courageous about finding lasting love. Suzanne's most recent book, <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Alpha-Females-Guide-Men-Marriage/dp/1618688448" target="_blank">The Alpha Female's Guide to Men & Marriage</a></em>, helps bossy women learn how to become better wives. You can find Suzanne at <a href="http://www.thefeministfixer.com" target="_blank">www.thefeministfixer.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2019-03-12T17:43:00Z
How to Ethically Transform Your Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Ethically-Transform-Your-Relationship/927434432172636934.html
2019-02-24T18:43:00Z
2019-02-24T18:43:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Avital Schreiber Levy <br /></strong></em><a href="https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/" target="_blank">www.theparentingjunkie.com</a><a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Cara, an athletic brunette with classic girl-next-door charm, grew up in a quiet suburb 20 minutes from Manhattan. When she was 14 she represented her state in swim (breaststroke) and at 23, she started working in the nonprofit world. 8 years ago, at 27, she packed away her ski gear and packed up her Lululemon's, her dog-eared copy of "<em>Eat, Love, Pray</em>" and moved to Sydney, Australia to start a family with her (sexy accountant-meets-surfer) Aussie husband. <br /><br />A few extra pounds, a mortgage and 2 (gorgeous!) kids later - their romance isn't what it used to be. Now it was her copy of "<em>Peaceful Parent, Happy Child</em>" that was dog-eared and she had exchanged breaststroke for breastfeeding. <br /><br />Her husband (Matt) was still every bit the accountant, and the surfer, but she not so much the "<em>sexy</em>" anymore. In fact, just a few months back, Cara confided in me that she felt her marriage had hit rock bottom. She had imagined losing herself in her husband's arms, instead she was losing herself scrolling endlessly on Facebook. <br /><br />When her husband yelled at the kids for getting play-dough on the carpets, or "<em>forgot</em>" yet another nap time - she wondered if her dorky high school sweetheart would have made a better father. (She's not the only one who's wondered this, right?)<br /><br />Cara was a passionate mother, but not a passionate wife. She had enthusiasm and patience for her children, but not her husband. Even though divorce actually wasn't on the table, because things weren't quite bad enough - she still felt like their marriage was failing. <br /><br />But Cara had that little voice in her head and knew that she deserved a meaningful and satisfying relationship. She wasn't ready to give up. Her sister-in-law recommended a therapist, and she was so excited to finally end the bickering and get things back on track. But her husband didn't like the "<em>look</em>" the therapist had given him. And he definitely didn't like the bill at the end of the session. "<em>6 months of this?</em>" He whined. "<em>I'm not doing it.</em>" <br /><br />Cara felt desperate... that's when she discovered the core principles of the Peaceful Partnering philosophy, a <em>radically</em> different approach to anything she'd ever heard of before. This approach is so different - because it empowers us to make transformations in our relationships by controlling the only thing we can - ourselves. Rather than waiting idly for our partner to one day change (wishful thinking) we create the change that we want to see. <br /><br />How did she do this? Three core steps to becoming a passionate woman who could show up in her relationship better than ever before:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Radical responsibility:</strong> Rather than focusing her attention on what she couldn't change (Matt) Cara learned to focus her attention on herself. Her own inner talk, her own behaviors, thoughts - and therefore feelings. She learned that she was actively creating the very conflicts she so disdained - even as she was blaming Matt for it. This was incredibly empowering as it put her back in the driver's seat to take the relationship (and more importantly - her experience of it) what she most wanted it to be. </li>
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<li><strong>Drama Proofing:</strong> Cara learned that she could stop escalation's quickly and effectively - and instead get to the root cause of the issue - without the hours of painful disconnect (gas-lighting, name-calling, cold shoulders) that she used to think of as "<em>inevitable</em>". She learned she could use positive psychological primers, triggers and subconscious messaging to convey peace, love and harmony, and disarm Matt - and, more surprisingly, herself. </li>
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<li><strong>Unconditional Love: </strong>Ultimately, Cara found, both her and Matt wanted the same thing. They wanted to be thought of well, they wanted to be given the benefit of the doubt, and they wanted to feel completely safe to surrender into each other, without fear of reprimand or rejection. Unfortunately, unconditional love is something so few of us have experienced - but that all of us want and need - but something you don't have is a darn hard thing to offer. Cara and Matt had a lot of healing to do, but once they did, their relationship became the safe haven they were both looking for.</li>
</ol><br />Cara said, "<em>My husband is trying so much more, standing up for me, and trying to understand and get on board with my parenting style. Yes, we still argue sometimes, but now I'm confident that we'll bounce back. And I know HOW to make that happen! I'm more in love with Matt than I've been in years. We're a team again. It's changed my life forever, thank you.</em>"<br /><br />Cara could have continued to play the victim. She could have played the blame game till death did them part. Or she could have called it quits, and given up on what was essentially a healthy, but misguided relationship. She could have given up because she had bought into an old, broken narrative. Instead, she made a radical change and transformed her life as a result. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Avital Schreiber Levy </strong>is the Founder of TheParentingJunkie.com, Avital's mission is to help parents and caregivers who struggle with chaos, clutter and conflict to transform their experience with young children into one of presence, play and peace. Parents are invited to start decluttering and simplifying their play space with Avital's guide: <em><a href="https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/design" target="_blank">10 East Steps to Transform Your Home into a Play Inducing Haven</a></em>. Trained in the Simplicity Parenting and Hand-in-Hand parenting disciplines, her work has been published in Huff Post, Motherly and is endorsed by the leaders in the Parenting space, Dr. Shefali Tsabary and Dr. Laura Markham. Avital has a global and thriving community of tens of thousands of individuals through her courses, coaching and blog. Follow Avital at: <a href="https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/" target="_blank">www.theparentingjunkie.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2019-02-24T18:43:00Z
When Marital Abuse Is Invisible: 11 Characteristics to Be Aware of in Your Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Marital-Abuse-Is-Invisible:-11-Characteristics-to-Be-Aware-of-in-Your-Marriage/-359718830998300025.html
2019-02-05T18:10:00Z
2019-02-05T18:10:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Victoria McCooey<br /><a href="http://www.victoriamccooey.com" target="_blank">www.victoriamccooey.com</a></strong></em><a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Just because there are no bruises, doesn't mean there is no abuse. Picture this. You and 3 friends are having lunch. The conversation is lively. The topic: ridiculous things your husbands do... such as... Talks to himself in the shower. Has a pair of "<em>lucky</em>" underwear. Prefers plastic cutlery at home. Is addicted to "<em>Southern Charm: Charleston</em>". Everyone is laughing.<br /><br />You would never know that one of you is in an abusive marriage. <br /><br />But which one? Here's a hint: She's the one silently thinking "<em>tells me I'm worthless and makes me sleep on the sofa.</em>" <br /><br />25% of all women in the US are in an abusive marriage or partnership. And most of time, there are no visible traces of the abuse. <br /><br />There was a time in my life when I was the one secretly in an abusive marriage. I was the one going through the motions of being happily married, when actually I was being psychologically, emotionally, financially and verbally abuse.<br /><br />I had no idea how unhealthy my marriage was. I knew there were issues, but I assumed all marriages were like mine. I'd suffered a slow-drip of erosion to my self-esteem for so many years that I couldn't see how abusive the relationship had become. On top of it, I was too ashamed to give details to anyone, even my family or closest friends, so I had no one to hold up a mirror to show me what my marriage really looked like. <br /><br />So here I am, holding up a mirror for you. Here's a chart of characteristics of an abusive marriage versus a healthy marriage. How am I an expert? Well, aside from being a certified life coach, and I personally have experienced one of each. <br /><br />If your marriage is healthy, then PLEASE share this with a friend who you think may be in a toxic situation, even if she can't see it herself. You'll be doing her a huge favor -- maybe even saving her life. I will never forget the friend who saved mine by holding up a similar mirror for me.<br /><br />How many of these characteristics are true for your marriage:<br /><br /><strong>In a Healthy Relationship, Your Spouse:</strong><br />1. Communicates regularly and effectively <br />2. In an argument, sticks to pertinent issues that are relevant <br />3. Always says "I'm sorry," even when not solely responsible<br />4. Empathizes with your feelings <br />5. Consults with you on all household decisions<br />6. Puts your needs/feelings/desires above his <br />7. Wants to do things together because he enjoys your company <br />8. Wants you with him to share experiences <br />9. Wants you to have control of your own money<br />10. Recalls past events accurately<br />11. Embraces your family <br /><br /><strong>In an Abusive Relationship, Your Spouse:</strong><br />1. Keeps you constantly guessing/off guard<br />2. In an argument, brings up things from the past that aren't relevant<br />3. Never takes responsibility, even when it's his fault <br />4. Ignores your feelings <br />5. Makes household decisions without conferring <br />6. Puts his own needs/feelings/desires above yours<br />7. Wants to do things together to make things easier for him<br />8. Wants you with him to use you as a human shield <br />9. Insists on controlling your money <br />10. Twists past events <br />11. Disparages your family <br /><br />So how does your marriage rate? If there are more characteristics on the "<em>abusive</em>" side than on the "<em>healthy</em>" side, then it's time to do something about it. If talking to your spouse doesn't work, then get some support. <br /><br />A good first step would be to visit The National Domestic Violence website: <a href="https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/" target="_blank">https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/</a>, or reach out to family, friends or an expert in the field. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Victoria McCooey</strong></em><span> is a transformational coach and motivational speaker. She has had numerous articles published on Ezine Articles, </span><span><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://ivemovedon.com/" target="_blank">IveMovedOn.com</a> </span><span>and has been interviewed on “<em>Women of Strength TV</em>”, “<em>Unleash Your Mojo Online</em>” and “<em>You Be You & I’ll Be Me</em>” podcast. She’s helped scores of women acquire the skills and courage necessary to leave toxic or abusive situations and to create happy new lives they can’t wait to live. </span><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://www.victoriamccooey.com/" target="_blank">http://www.victoriamccooey.com/</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2019-02-05T18:10:00Z
T'is the Season... But Don't Forget to Take Care of You
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tis-the-Season...-But-Dont-Forget-to-Take-Care-of-You/472283912636669441.html
2018-12-22T19:44:00Z
2018-12-22T19:44:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Jennifer Embery</strong></em><em><strong> </strong></em><br /> <a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank">jenniferembery.com<br /></a><br /><br />Here we go... into the crazy holiday season again. Ready or not, it's here.<br /><br />Love it, hate it, or couldn't care less - this is a time of year when...how do I put this? People get crazy busy and energy is frantic many places you go. <br /><br />Let's be honest, it can be exhausting. <br /><br />Especially if you're the person who makes it all happen. Being sure all the gifts are perfect. Decorating all the things that need decorating. Cooking all the meals and baking all the treats. Hosting the parties. Going to the parties. Festivities GALORE!<br /> <br />Am I right? Some days it feels like you're taking care of <em><strong>everyone</strong></em>...a feeling that is most likely magnified by the holidays. <br /><br />Can I tell you something? <em>It's ok for you to take care of yourself, too</em>. <br /><br />In fact, it's even more important for you to take care of you during these hectic times. If you give yourself a little love, everyone around you will benefit. Especially you.<br /><br />Since I can't tell you how to get more hours in a day, what I will tell you is that you have to say no to some things in order to say yes to others. <br /><br />Have you ever asked yourself what would happen if the holiday table wasn't perfectly set? <br /> How about considering the idea that you don't have to get every gift on the list? What if you went all the way to crazy town and didn't attend every event you're invited to this season?<br /><br />Do you know what would happen? <br /><br />Probably nothing. That's right, not much at all. <br /><br />Between you and me, when I started taking care of myself, I was a teensy bit disappointed that I wasn't as important to the earth's revolving pattern as I had led myself to believe.<br /> <br />But I got over it quickly once I started reaping the benefits of self-care.<br /><br />So, back to you and what to do about all this? Start by making a list of everything swirling around in your head...all the things on your to-do list now. <br /><br />EVERYthing.<br /><br />Next, pick 5 things to remove from the list. GASP!!! I know, right?<br /><br />But seriously...having trouble choosing? <br /><br />Try this - when you look at each to-do, quickly assess whether it makes you feel heavy or light. Underline the ones that make you feel light.<br /><br />Those get to stay on the list.<br /><br />Take another swipe at the ones that aren't underlined and pick 5 things to remove. Go ahead. Do it.<br /><br />Side note about the things that make you feel heavy...those are usually things you feel obligated to do for some reason. That could indicate you need to take a look at whom you're doing them for and why. Remember, we teach people how to treat us and often, if we don't speak up when we feel obligated, nobody knows.<br /><br />Ok. Do you have a little more time in your life now? Could you do something nice for yourself with that time? You deserve it. <br /><br />Now go look up 'self-care ideas' on the internet. Pick any one of the lists that pop up and start choosing to take care of you. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Jennifer Embery</strong></em>, After 20+ years as a leader in corporate America, made the transition to her life on purpose. She is a speaker, life coach, and writer who helps women over 40 determine what they want to do and how to do it. <a href="https://www.jenniferembery.com/schedule-tree-from-homepage" target="_blank">Click here</a> to sign up for your complimentary strategy session. For more info visit <a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank">www.jenniferembery.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-12-22T19:44:00Z
The In's and Out's of the Holidays for the Highly Sensitive
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Ins-and-Outs-of-the-Holidays-for-the-Highly-Sensitive/-576514112965384677.html
2018-12-16T18:51:00Z
2018-12-16T18:51:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Brenda Knowles</strong></em><em><strong>
<p style="display: inline !important;"><strong><br /></strong></p>
</strong></em><em><strong><a href="http://www.brendaknowles.com" target="_blank">
<p style="display: inline !important;">brendaknowles.com</p>
</a></strong></em><em><strong><a href="http://www.brendaknowles.com" target="_blank">
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</a><a href="http://www.relationshipsrewired.com" target="_blank"> </a></strong></em><br /><br />For those of us with a highly sensitive nervous system - 15-20% of the population processes nuances and stimulation at a greater level of intensity - the holiday season can bring extra trepidation. We feel the pressure to put ourselves out in the midst of the holiday hustle and bustle and we feel the need to protect ourselves from overstimulation.<br /><br />This time of year, puts many of us face to face with forced socializing, hosting, family drama and paradoxically, feelings of loneliness. Dr. Elaine Aron, author of "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=asc_df_0553062182/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11452175518744540526&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031144&hvtargid=pla-435489496445&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61851652213&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11452175518744540526&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031144&hvtargid=pla-435489496445" target="_blank">The Highly Sensitive Person</a></em>", says we often feel we are "<em>too out</em>" or "too in".<br /><br />If we fall to society's prescription to live gregariously, exploring and joining groups as often as possible, we may push ourselves beyond our comfortable arousal level. Sustaining that uncomfortable level leads to exhaustion.<br /><br />If we succumb to a fear we may have developed in childhood (from overprotective or neglectful parents), that says, "<em>You are not strong enough to handle the noisy world</em>", we may retreat to the point of loneliness and miss out on energizing and fulfilling connections.<br /><br />Dr. Amy Banks, former instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Connect-Surprising-Between-Relationships/dp/1101983213" target="_blank">Wired to Connect</a></em>", says we are literally made for connection. As children, our mammalian brains require connection with our parents or caregivers for survival. We receive hits of dopamine (pleasure and motivation neurotransmitter in our bodies) when we connect with others. We take the neural and emotional connections created in infancy and childhood into our adult relationships.<br /><br />If we are born with high sensitivity and our early connections with our parents were secure, meaning our parents were consistently caring and responsive, we are able to tolerate changes, stimulation and the unfamiliar better without sustaining long-term arousal.<br /><br />If our connections with our caregivers were not secure, meaning they were not consistently available or emotionally attuned with us, there is an extra element of difficulty during times of family/friend gatherings. We tend to feel more stress and our nervous systems remain on high alert. We want to retreat.<br /><br /><strong>How to remedy holiday stress<br /></strong><br /><ol>
<li>Spend time with safe people. Who are safe people? According to Dr. Banks, they are the ones we can trust with our feelings. They make us feel calm. It is safe being in conflict with them. They make us feel valued and respected. We can count on them. With safe people in our lives, we have more tolerance for disruption and chaos.</li>
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<li>Don't regularly avoid stimulation. Dr. Aron says that as we re-parent our body, the first thing to realize is that the more it avoids stimulation, the more arousing the remaining stimulation becomes. Ever notice if you stay in all weekend, Monday morning at work seems especially jarring? The more we take action, the less overwhelming the actions seem. This is called habituation.</li>
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<li>Sleep and rest. The quickest way to reduce stimulation is to close our eyes. 80% of our sensory information comes from sight. Sleep and rest are vital to an HSP. They allow our nervous system to step back from high vigilance. Rest might include our version of play - reading a book, gardening, going for a slow walk, etc.- or it may even include meditation. Dr. Aron says meditation provides the deepest form of rest while the mind is still alert.</li>
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<li>Plan ahead and leave space between events. Do not plan on hopping from one family gathering to another during the holidays. </li>
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<li>Pay attention to your body. If your chest feels tight, your stomach aches or your brain feels cottony and numb, beg off from an event. These are signals you need to slow down.</li>
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<li>Give yourself a break if there are sudden changes. All of those plans and preparations we make to help us feel in control, often shift at the last minute. This can be hard for an HSP to process. Give yourself permission to step back and reassess. If something has to be canceled to save your sanity, it is OK.</li>
<br /> </ol>With these few reminders about how to traverse the holidays, it is possible our connections will energize us as much as our solitude.<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Brenda Knowles</strong></em> is the creator of brendaknowles.com, the website where sensitive people learn to build emotional and relationship resilience. Brenda has written over 400 posts on introversion, relationships, anxiety, depression and parenting. She is trained in family mediation and child advocacy. She is also the author of T<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Rise-Introverts-Practices-Living/dp/1633536416" target="_blank">he Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World</a></em>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-12-16T18:51:00Z
Should I Stay, or Should I Go? Can Anxiety Diagnose Your Relationship?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-I-Stay,-or-Should-I-Go-Can-Anxiety-Diagnose-Your-Relationship/-222526272157397973.html
2018-11-28T19:54:00Z
2018-11-28T19:54:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By </strong></em><em><strong>
<p style="display: inline !important;"><strong>Perrin Elisha, Ph.D.<br /></strong></p>
</strong></em><a href="http://www.relationshipsrewired.com" target="_blank"><em><strong>
<p style="display: inline !important;">www.relationshipsrewired.com</p>
</strong></em><em><strong>
<p style="display: inline !important;"><strong><br /></strong></p>
</strong></em></a><br /><br />Most people with anxiety are keenly aware that certain relationships can either reduce or drastically increase anxiety, but do you know why? Most people react from their gut, either withdrawing or frantically seeking a relationship; both often spiral into dysfunctional patterns. With some discernment, you can learn to use anxiety as a diagnostic clue to help you navigate relationships, increase healthy connections, and leave dysfunctional ones. <br /><br />If you have not heard of <a href="https://www.relationshipsrewired.com/blog">Attachment Theory</a>, it is the scientific map of how we bond with others to increase our chances of survival! As mammals, we quite literally depend on emotional bonds with others to survive. Scientific studies have continued to underscore that the warmth and quality of our connections is the number one factor predictive of our life quality, longevity, and is even a huge factor in financial stability. <br /><br />The one principle you need to understand first is that our need for closeness in a relationship is innate, natural, and healthy. For some people, truly understanding this in itself reduces anxiety because it is anxiety-producing to attempt the impossible: to not need others. <br /><br />Did you know that even autonomy and the ability to self-soothe is created IN functional relationships?! In other words, if you want to be autonomous, you need good relationships to get there! <br /><br />But next comes the tricky part: how do you discern if a relationship is a healthy one that could serve as a "<em>secure attachment,</em>" i.e. one that naturally reduces anxiety for both people while simultaneously allowing both to grow and/or separate at times? A secure attachment has these qualities: <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>Both people feel more secure and stable as a result of the connection, they can use the relationship to "<em>calm down</em>". </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Both people actively "<em>track</em>" the other person (and their own) emotional state and seek to keep both people in a reasonable state of emotional wellbeing.</li>
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<li>Both people experience some, manageable level of distress when separated and are able to and anticipate relieving that distress upon reunion. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Both people work to maintain a relative proximity, or closeness. (emotional and physical)</li>
</ul>
<br />If both people are WILLING and EDUCATED, most two people can create a secure bond that can enormously reduce both the anxieties of living and anxiety disorders. <br /><br />However, when emotional abuse or manipulation is present, your efforts to reduce anxiety or build a secure bond will only INCREASE anxiety, and although it will likely feel counterintuitive, you need to leave the relationship to reduce anxiety. <br /><br />Here are some key signs of emotionally manipulative relationships:<br />
<ul>
<li>Your partner wants to isolate you from friends and family.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner belittles, humiliates you, and attacks your self-worth, even "<em>jokingly</em>".</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Name calling, insults, and false accusations.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner relies inordinately on blame, towards you and others.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner instills fear, uneasiness or intimidation with words, actions or an explosive temper.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner "<em>punishes</em>" or retaliates for the time you spend away from them.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>There is excessive or extreme jealousy.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner manipulates your emotions in an attempt to induce guilt.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Your partner checks your phone or social media accounts without permission.</li>
</ul>
<br />These are signs that your partner is not able or willing to form a mutually supportive, fair connection with you. The tricky thing about manipulative relationships is that well-meaning people tend to work harder to try to resolve or fix the situation. This is a good instinct unless the relationship is manipulative, in which case doing so will only increase your anxiety. <br /><br />In other words, if you have the building blocks for a secure connection, dive in and use the relationships to help you build a power-house self-soothing mechanism! If you're doing it skillfully, you'll feel less anxious over time. On the other hand, if you have a predominance of manipulative or abusive patterns in the relationship, it's time to recognize that the relationship is and will only manifest anxiety for you. Bite the bullet and exit the relationship unless your partner is ready and willing to learn radically new behaviors! Use your time and energy to build healthy relationships which are designed to be the most natural and most effective anxiety-reducers! <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Dr. Elisha</strong></em> is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author and teacher- this means that she has the most in depth training available -- to get to the root of relational difficulties and truly heal your identity. Her deep understanding of how <a href="https://www.relationshipsrewired.com/blog" target="_blank">attachment relationships</a> shape your feelings about yourself, the world, and your beliefs about relationships can help you succeed in intimate relationships. Please <a href="https://www.relationshipsrewired.com/p/what-is-selfcare" target="_blank">download the free eBook</a> <em>How to Be an Extraordinary Partner</em>! Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-11-28T19:54:00Z
Three Questions to Help You Decide Where to Set Boundaries
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Three-Questions-to-Help-You-Decide-Where-to-Set-Boundaries/-62647195477527372.html
2018-11-13T19:33:00Z
2018-11-13T19:33:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Stephanie Lewis</strong></em><br /><a href="https://livewellflow.com/" target="_blank">https://livewellflow.com</a><br /><br /><br />Do people expect a lot from you? If you're reading this article it is likely your answer is yes. Let me also ask you this - do others' demands on and expectations of you take up an outsized amount of time and energy in your life? Keep in mind that what constitutes outsized differs. The amount of attention you need to devote to your child, for instance, is generally different if the child is young or an able-bodied adult. <br /><br />While it is not so easy to set and maintain boundaries, the demands on you can raise your stress level, especially if you are resenting what others expect from you. Here are a few questions to consider in deciding where to set your boundaries:<br /><br /><strong>1. Is the Expectation a Reflection of "<em>Your Role</em>"? <br /></strong>When you are capable and well-informed, others look to you for advice or assistance. It may be as simple as your "role" in your family or in the community you live in. At some point in life, however, putting others first can tip so far that it interferes with what you need to do to take care of you, honor your priorities, and reach your goals. The accumulated expectations may drain you energetically. <br /><br />Consider if your participation in what others ask you to do is a conscious decision. If on reflection you determine that it is not a role you want to continue, begin to redefine your boundaries. <br /><br />As you redefine boundaries, you may experience some resistance as you make changes in your relationship with others. In fact, some of that resistance may be from you. This is particularly so if you've been playing this role for a long time. Generally, however, people adapt. If possible, consider phasing out. You may also want to think about how your relinquishing certain responsibilities gives others an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to assist. <br /><strong><br /><br />2. Have You Fostered the Expectation of You?</strong> <br />Some of us have consciously or unconsciously fostered the expectations of others. Quite frankly, it may be that some of what you perceive to be an expectation is of your own making. Perhaps your role in others' lives has become a valuable part of community and connection for you. Or, becoming absorbed in others' problems and goals could be a way of avoiding focusing on those things in your own life that need attention. It may simply be pure ego; a pride that you can make things happen or can do it quicker or more easily than someone else. If so, it is important to understand your own limits to avoid undue stress and mental fatigue as a result of wanting to serve the needs of everyone. <br /><br />Creating me time for yourself, if possible, is one way to help you reset expectations and boundaries. This is time outside of listening to, assisting, and providing for others. It could be a time when you take a nature walk, take a nap, pray or <a href="https://livewellflow.com/meditation/" target="_blank">meditate</a>, read a book, go to the spa, or engage in any other activity that calms your nerves. You can even integrate a body scan meditation into your day to keep you more in tune with your body's and your spirit's signals. <br /><br /><br /><strong>3. Is the Expectation a Reflection of Your Values and Goals? <br /></strong>In some cases, you may have taken on obligations because they reflect values that are important to you. You've made a conscious decision to take on the obligation because of its importance to you or your family outweighs the cost to you at the time. You may still, however, see value in exploring ways to lessen any burden and reduce the stress it may bring. Seeking the assistance or participation of others, bringing clarity to the scope of your involvement, and lengthening the time in which a task needs to be done are examples of ways to reduce the stress that comes with the responsibility. <br /><br />Stick with the changes you've made and notice if there is an improvement in your stress level. While helping others is an important part of who you are, caring for yourself is also critical to your ability to be your best you and be there for those you love.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Stephanie Lewis</strong></em> is a certified health & wellness coach and meditation instructor. She is also certified as a Tai Chi Easy Practice Leader through the Institute of Integral Qigong and Tai Chi. She helps people suffering from overwhelm reduce stress and burnout and create their own unique pathway to balance peace and well-being. Visit her website <a href="https://livewellflow.com/" target="_blank">www.livewellflow.com</a> to learn more about her, follow her <a href="https://livewellflow.com/blog/" target="_blank">blog</a>, and access her guided <a href="https://livewellflow.com/meditation/" target="_blank">meditations</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-11-13T19:33:00Z
5 Important People You Will Attract in Grief
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Important-People-You-Will-Attract-in-Grief/154043795559424729.html
2018-11-07T19:33:00Z
2018-11-07T19:33:00Z
<br /><em><strong>by Gary Roe</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.garyroe.com" target="_blank">www.garyroe.com</a><br /><br /><br />Life is tough. Our hearts get hit, again and again.<br /><br />We get battered with disappointment, estrangement, abandonment, rejection, break-ups, illness, disabilities, and death. Grief is familiar to most of us. <br /><br />Fundamentally, life is about relationships. It makes sense then that people around us will have great influence and impact during times of loss and pain, one way or another. <br /><br />Here are five important people you will meet in your grief journey.<br /><br /><br /><strong>1. The hyper-critical judge. </strong><br /><br />These people compare and evaluate. You'll recognize their voice easily. "<em>Be strong. Get over it. Pull yourself together. Move on.</em>" <br /><br />Hyper-critical judges don't like tears. They pick you apart, bit by bit. They're discouraging. They can kill your heart. They're toxic. Avoid them like the plague. <br /><br />If you must interact with them (family and co-workers, for example), put on your armor first. Don't give them access to your heart. Quick to point out your faults, they ignore their own. They deal with your issues as a smokescreen to hide theirs. <br /><br />When the hyper-critical judge shows up, breathe deeply, protect your heart, and let them pass on by. <br /><br /><br /><strong>2. The well-meaning relative, friend, or co-worker. </strong><br /><br />These folks want to help but don't know how. Thinking they need to say something, they stammer out platitudes. "<em>At least they're not suffering anymore. At least they're in a better place.</em>" "<em>At least you had them as long as you did.</em>" "<em>At least...</em>" <br /><br />Chances are your life is well-populated with these well-meaning people. Keep your expectations low. They can't understand. They're trying, but they can't get to where you are. <br /><br />When they say unhelpful things, release them quickly. If you can, smile and forgive. Relate to them as you want to, but it's probably wise not to entrust them with the tender parts of your soul right now. <br /><br /><br /><strong>3. The fixer. <br /></strong><br />These people are convinced they know what you should do. They don't enter your grief with you, but they're full of ideas on how to fix it. "<em>You need to get out more.</em>" "<em>This works, so you need to do it.</em>" "<em>Go to a support group.</em>" "<em>You need counseling.</em>" <br /><br />Fixers tell you what to do and then disappear, only to reappear later with more advice you haven't asked for. They'll share their self-styled, fix-it-quick wisdom anywhere - restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores, hospitals, coffee shops, street corners, clothing stores, churches, sporting events, etc. Fixers are everywhere, and they have an answer for everything. <br /><br />Some fixers have good hearts. Your pain distresses them. They don't know how to meet you in your grief, so they pull out their magic wand to whisk the pain away. Be merciful and forgiving. There's some fixer in all of us.<br /><br />You don't need fixers at present. If possible, don't let their darts of advice penetrate too far. <br /><br /><br /><strong>4. The safe person. </strong><br /><br />Safe people are amazing. <br /><br />They meet you where you are. They enter your grief and exist with you there, even if it's only for a few moments. They have no agenda other than supporting you. <br /><br />They don't try to fix. They don't have magic-wand advice. They don't pretend they didn't see you in the store. They aren't terrified by pain and suffering. <br /><br />Safe people are great listeners. They know that words are overrated. They possess an ability to hear not only your words but your heart. Compassion exudes from them.<br /><br />How do you find them? Be a safe person yourself. Safe people are magnets for each other. <br /><br /><br /><strong>5. The fellow griever. </strong><br /><br />Grief is lonely, but the road of loss is well traveled and densely populated. <br /><br />Permeated with obstacles, this road winds, curves, climbs, falls, and often doubles-back on itself. Some are quite familiar with this terrain. They have traveled here often and know the emotions, challenges, and frustrations well. <br /><br />These fellow travelers "<em>get it.</em>" They have allowed grief to cultivate compassion rather than bitterness. Capable of embracing and caring for your heart, they can be treasured companions on this precarious path. <br /><br />Fellow grievers are around you right now - in support groups, online grief forums, and other venues frequented by those whose worlds have been altered by loss. Already on the grief journey, they can be wonderfully supportive. <br /><br /><strong><br />People will make all the difference.</strong><br /><br />People will have a massive impact on you in times of loss. Avoid hyper-critical judges who will only add to your pain. Be aware of friends, relatives, or co-workers who mean well but can't provide the support you need. Watch out for fixers who won't take your grief seriously. Learn to recognize safe people and fellow grievers who can enter your pain and become hope-giving companions. <br /><br />Take your heart seriously. Grieve well. You're more important than you know. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gary-Roe/e/B00JD4XH0O" target="_blank">Gary Roe</a> </strong></em>is an Award-winning author, speaker, and grief specialist compassionate and trusted voice in grief-recovery who has been bringing comfort, hope, encouragement, and healing to the hurting, wounded hearts for more than 30 years. <a href="https://www.garyroe.com/comfort-for-grieving-hearts/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get a free excerpt of his new book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts. For more information visit <a href="http://www.garyroe.com" target="_blank">www.garyroe.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-11-07T19:33:00Z
Let's Talk About the No Contact Rule. Does It Work?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lets-Talk-About-the-No-Contact-Rule.-Does-It-Work/-573369081940543335.html
2018-10-18T18:44:00Z
2018-10-18T18:44:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Gregg Michaelsen</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com" target="_blank">WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com</a><br /><br /><br />Find yourself wanting to get your ex-boyfriend or husband back? Will no contact make him move on or reconsider? The conventional no contact rule to get him back has been tossed around a lot and its time to toss it out!<br /><br />I have your answer, it's a combination of both. If you go totally no contact, he could go out of sight out of mind on you.<br /><br />I have a better no contact rule to get him back. I call it "<strong>slip in, slip out</strong>".<br /><br />After writing my powerful breakup letter, which I template inside my book, you contact him about getting your stuff back, for example, or ask where you stayed in Aruba when you were together.<br /><br />You are telling him that you are ready to move on and it's not just him. He can't believe you want your stuff back so soon and wonders who you're going to Aruba with.<br /><br />You see, he thinks because he dumped you that you should be grieving and still be at his beck and call.<br /><br />You're not. At least you are not letting him know.<br /><br /><em><strong><br />Will my Ex-boyfriend forget about Me if I don't contact Him?</strong></em><br /><br /><br />To answer this we go back to <a href="https://verilymag.com/2018/02/guys-after-breakup-mens-behavior-what-to-do-after-breakup-dealing-with-breaking-up" target="_blank">understanding the male mind after a breakup</a>. Guys don't like to lose their stuff and you are part of his stuff.<br /><br />When you send my goodbye letter and then slip in, slip out with statements confirming that it's over, you turn the break up on its head and confuse your ex.<br /><br />Are you bluffing? Yes. Because you having nothing to lose. This is a good thing!<br /><br />His mind shifts. He realizes that you are NOT there as a secondary option. Guys break up to test the waters. The "waters" aren't always better - in fact the waters usually suck!<br /><br />Now, because he knows that you are growing stronger and potentially moving on, he can't treat his new single's life with the same vigor.<br /><br />Door #2 is closing fast and that door is YOU. Suddenly, your ex starts to question the break and think about the great memories you had. And memories can burn!<br /><br />I call them "<em>pennies in the jar</em>" and if you put enough pennies into the relationship he is going to have a weak moment. <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/take-control-relationship-understanding-men-final-post-keep-guy-getting-bored/" target="_blank">So you need to be ready</a>.<br /><br />We are toying with the male psyche and giving you your best odds of stirring his emotions and getting him to capitulate.<br /><br />You are doing the exact opposite of what you want to do and what he thinks you will do.<br /><br />Couple more points. You do this with <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/want-change-life/" target="_blank">confidence</a>. Stay upbeat with your messages and don't act at all angry. Be happy! If you can't, then you delay until you can.<br /><br />Now, communication is left open for him so he can reconsider and, because you sent the powerful letter with the one powerful memory, he's thinking about you.<br /><br />This version of the no contact rule to get him back works because you are only going radio silent temporarily. Then, you reach out but in a way that surprises him.<br /><br /><em><strong><br />Will No Contact Make Him Move On?</strong></em><br /><br /><br />Absolutely, so don't! If he goes weeks or months without hearing from you he could put you out of his thoughts. Instead, follow my version of the no contact rule and increase your odds exponentially.<br /><br />I give you the best of both worlds. Contact but the right kind of contact.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Gregg Michaelsen</strong></em> is an author and dating/life coach and has sold over 250,000 books with multiple <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gregg-Michaelsen/e/B00B8SWW86" target="_blank">#1 best-sellers</a>. Being both a dating and life coach gives him an incredible advantage with the people he touches. He helps women gain confidence and understand men and encourages his readers to contact him for free in his books. Gregg's motto is <em>Build Yourself and He Will Come</em>. Visit Gregg at <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/" target="_blank">WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com</a> and join thousands of believers! Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-10-18T18:44:00Z
4 Tips for Keeping the Love Alive
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Tips-for-Keeping-the-Love-Alive/-884149011124411551.html
2018-09-29T18:44:00Z
2018-09-29T18:44:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.conciergepsychology.com/" target="_blank">www.conciergepsychology.com/</a> <br /><br /><br />Commercial media is full of examples of every couples' deepest fear: that as time progresses their love will change and fade to a point at which it is irreparable. While it is true that love changes over time, that change can be a positive shift toward a deeper and more connected love, and long-term commitment does not need to mean the end of your passion or sex life.<br /><br />Here are some tips for keeping the love and romance alive in your relationship.<br /><ol>
<li><strong>Say I love you.</strong><br />Say it a lot! No, it is not going to mean less if you say it more. When you first fell in love, you said it all the time, right? If you want to feel like you're newly in love then you also need to act, and talk, like you are. Let them know that they are still the center of your universe!</li>
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<li><strong>Touch.</strong><br />You know how they say that new couples cannot seem to keep their hands off each other? That's because they can't! This is the basis for a fun cause-and-effect relationship. The more you touch, the more you want to touch! And the more you touch, the closer you tend to feel emotionally. According to an NPR article by Michelle Trudeau, physical touch can reduce the stress hormone cortisol and increase the feel-good hormone oxytocin. </li>
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<li><strong>Understand each other's love languages</strong>.<br />And then make sure you are communicating in their language! You can both take the free love languages assessment at <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com" target="_blank">www.5lovelanguages.com</a>. Then discuss the results with each other. Do not try to show your partner that you love them in your language, show them in theirs! After all, truly loving someone means doing things that make them happy.</li>
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<li><strong>Reminisce</strong>.<br />Finally, remember that every couple is unique and you fell in love for your own unique reason. Take time to think back on your early relationship. What is it about them that initially took your breath away? When was the moment you knew you were in love? When did you decide this was someone you wanted to spend your life with? </li>
</ol><br />It is easy to dwell on what is wrong in our relationships, or what we view as wrong with our significant others. Psychology indicates that what initially attracted us to our mate may later become something that irritates us. For example, what we saw as "<em>laid back</em>" initially may now seem lazy. And "passion" may be viewed as sensitivity or a tendency to overreact. <br /><br />Instead of spending your time thinking about the things your significant other has done to annoy you, like forgetting to wash the dishes, use that time to think about the things that they did right! There are two sides to every coin, the key is to make sure you're looking at the side that you like!<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Dr. Rebecca Johnson Osei </strong></em>is the owner of Concierge Psychology, one of the first true concierge psychotherapy practices. By accepting only a limited number of clients, Dr. Osei is able to offer a flexible schedule with remarkable accessibility. Clients can expect discreet and individualized services to address a variety of concerns, including anxiety, stress, depression, relationship issues, work-life balance, and improving work performance and life satisfaction. <a href="http://www.conciergepsychology.com/" target="_blank">http://www.conciergepsychology.com/</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-09-29T18:44:00Z
5 Ways to Help Your Partner Eat Healthier
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-to-Help-Your-Partner-Eat-Healthier/-878014109759582174.html
2018-09-20T18:44:00Z
2018-09-20T18:44:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Anjali Shah</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.pickyeaterblog.com" target="_blank">www.pickyeaterblog.com </a><br /><br /><br /><br /><em>"My spouse doesn't like healthy food! What do I do?" <br /></em><br /><em>"I'm trying to get healthy, but my partner buys junk food which makes it hard for me to eat healthy at home!"</em><br /><br />"How to get a significant other to eat healthier" is one of the top questions I get from clients. It can be challenging when you're trying to adopt a cleaner way of eating but can't bring your partner along for the ride. <br /><br />I can relate because I grew up a "<em>whole wheat</em>" girl, but I married a "<em>white bread</em>" guy. I was raised in the healthy-eating, organic-obsessed culture of the San Francisco Bay Area; he grew up in the deep-dish pizza-loving suburbs of Chicago. My childhood was filled with fruits, vegetables and home cooked meals-I was raised to be "<em>picky</em>" about what I put into my body and to eat junk food in moderation. For him, ice cream and French fries were a way of life. <br /><br />So, when we got married, the question was: What would me and my fast-food husband eat for dinner? I realized that the only way I would be able to bridge the gap between my husband's "<em>white bread</em>" world and my "wheat bread" world would be to cook healthy versions of foods that my husband enjoyed. <br /><br />Gradually, I started making healthier swaps in my husband's diet. Slowly he began to identify different flavors and spices, and he even started asking for vegetables in his dishes! I realized that he changed because <a href="https://pickyeaterblog.com/category/healthy-living-tips/" target="_blank">I did these five things</a> gradually to bring him closer to a healthier way of eating:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Don't call it "<em>healthy</em>" or give it a label. </strong><br />My husband didn't care about healthy food. Calling something healthy wasn't going to entice him into eating it. In fact, giving a meal a label (healthy, paleo, vegan, gluten-free, etc.) may actually turn off your spouse from eating it, whereas if you call it by the recipe's name (e.g. Tex-Mex Burrito Bowls) it sounds much more appetizing.</li>
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<li> <strong>Don't force or guilt, don't judge.</strong> <br />Guilting or forcing someone to change just doesn't work. All it does is make them feel bad about themselves and actually make them more resistant to change. For example, if your partner eats junk food all day but then still eats the healthy meal you made, praise them for the healthy meal and don't comment on the other foods eaten that day. Aim for progress, not perfection.</li>
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<li><strong>Add in extra veggies without asking, but involve him in the meal decision. </strong><br />Make the decision on "what to eat for dinner" together, but then you take control of the cooking and add in or sneak in extra veggies. If your partner is still resistant to anything green, add veggie purees into foods like pasta sauce or smoothies. If your partner isn't resistant to veggies just add more of them into each meal you make! After the meal ask for their input and feedback so they feel involved in the process.</li>
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<li><strong>Make easy, simple swaps, and keep junk food away.</strong><br />Whole or sprouted grains for white (bread, pasta, rice, etc.), whole grain cereals for sugary ones, sparkling water with natural flavors for soda, etc. These are easy, healthy swaps that you can make in your partner's diet without them really noticing! Additionally, you can make healthier versions (or "swaps") of meals your partner loves (e.g. healthier mac & cheese, lightened up lasagna, etc.). Most of my husband's favorite foods I've made at a fraction of the unhealthy fats and calories, and he has loved them all. One agreement that kept me in control of the groceries was: I would do all the grocery shopping and cooking, and he would do all the dishes and cleaning. This limited the junk food in our house and helped changed how he ate.</li>
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<li> <strong>Make it taste good! </strong><br />No one likes food that tastes bland or bad. If you can make a healthy meal taste good, it might make all the difference to getting your partner to be more open to healthy options. This worked wonders with my husband and was one of the main reasons he became more open to healthy eating!</li>
</ol><br /><br /><em><strong>Anjali Shah</strong></em> is a food writer at<a href="https://pickyeaterblog.com/" target="_blank"> http://pickyeaterblog.com/</a>, a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1939754771/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1939754771&linkCode=as2&tag=thepiceat01-20&linkId=effb8834244ef7b1d7bd801870a36505#auaffilnew" target="_blank">best-selling author</a>, a board-certified health coach, mom of two, and an advocate for healthy, clean eating for individuals and families. Get her <a href="https://us2.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=085993a2ac46939ee2e8fe3e7&id=d9ca78bfe7" target="_blank">Free 7-day plan for clean eating here</a>. For more information visit <a href="http://www.pickyeaterblog.com" target="_blank">www.pickyeaterblog.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-09-20T18:44:00Z
Inner Steps to Take Before Approaching Effective Conflict
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Inner-Steps-to-Take-Before-Approaching-Effective-Conflict/-738700438768756673.html
2018-09-12T16:05:00Z
2018-09-12T16:05:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Deva Joy Gouss</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.healingheartcommunications.com" target="_blank">www.healingheartcommunications.com</a><br /><br /><br />It is not always possible to pause with yourself before engaging in conflict with your partner. But if you can create the pause, it will serve you greatly to do your own inner work before entering into the dialogue with your partner. Often when we just jump into the fight, we hope for something that we don't get. This is usually because when fighting happens without forethought, either one or both people are triggered into their primal brains. <br /><br />This is the reason for our fight/flight/freeze response, which just doesn't bear great fruits for resolution. When you can, push a pause button and take some time with yourself before further engaging. Granted, it's a hard thing to do because the egos are so ready to jump in and make their points and be right. Of course, beneath the drive to be right is the deep desire to be heard and understood, which is exactly why it is important to harness the ego, pull it back and create a time out for yourself. <br /><br />By spending time with yourself before re-approaching your partner, you will feel more grounded and able to respond versus react. You will be more centered and able to articulate respectfully.<br /><br /><strong>Here are the steps to take for your inner preparation before conflict resolution with your partner:</strong><br /><ol>
<li>When you notice that escalation is taking place and your body sensations are shifting into the anger signals of fight, flight or freeze, ask for a "<em>pause</em>" and state to your partner that you would like to take a "<em>time out</em>" before going further, with the intention of coming back and continuing the conversation. If you can, give a time when you will check back in with him or her, even if that means that at that time, you re-negotiate for more time.</li>
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<li>When you step away, do not keep going over the narrative in your head that fuels the anger. This is very important because if keep fanning the flames of the argument, your biochemistry won't have a chance to readjust and you will stay in the fight/flight/freeze mode.</li>
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<li>When you are alone with yourself, name the feeling you are having and the bottom line complaint. Then, notice what sensations you are feeling in your body? </li>
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<li>Then, do a memory finder and ask yourself, "<em>When have I felt this before?</em>" Allow the movie of your life to play in your head and trace back to when you have experienced this before. </li>
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<li>Once you tap into this information, do something self-soothing and physical to change how you feel inside. Take in some sun rays, listen to the birds, drink some water or pet your cat or dog. Or, jump up and down, do yoga, breathe deep, make sounds, go for a walk or run. </li>
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<li>Once you have shifted, reflect back on the conflict with your partner. Name the behavior(s) of your partner that triggered these feelings. </li>
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<li>Ask yourself if there were any boundaries that were overstepped in some way by your partner that you need to reinstate. </li>
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<li>Reflect on your own behavior and notice if you were off the mark in any way that contributed to this conflict that you can own when you discuss this situation with your partner. </li>
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<li>Take a little more time to restore your sense of balance with yourself, making sure you are anchored into being okay with yourself and not looking for that from your partner. </li>
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<li>When you feel clearer with your thoughts, more spacious and less constricted, reflect on the qualities of your partner that you count on and value.</li>
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<li>You might even take a moment to step into his or her shoes and glimpse into why your partner might have acted in the way that he or she did.</li>
<br /> </ol>Now, you are ready to have a healthy discussion with your partner. Let him or her know that you are ready to bridge and contract for a time to talk that is good for both of you. Honor yourself for taking these inner steps that make a difference in both your relationship with your partner - and yourself!<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Deva Joy </strong><strong>Gouss</strong><strong>, LCSW</strong></em>, is an experiential psychotherapist in Atlanta for thirty-three years. Working within group, couple and individual settings, she also integrates energy medicine, polarity touch, yoga, trauma resiliency therapy and the power of ritual. For over two decades, she gives monthly workshops from Marrying Yourself to Nourishing Your Love for Couples. She is author of <em>Toolbox of Hope: For </em>When<em> Your Body Doesn't Feel Good and Rearranged, Never the Same: The Nature of Grief</em>. <a href="http://www.healingheartcommunications.com/#/" target="_blank">www.healingheartcommunications.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-09-12T16:05:00Z
Loneliness, Invisibility and Shame: The Three Damaging Responses to Depression
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Loneliness,-Invisibility-and-Shame:-The-Three-Damaging-Responses-to-Depression/-371051360989574762.html
2018-08-30T18:52:00Z
2018-08-30T18:52:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Dr. Margaret Rutherford</strong></em><br /><a href="https://drmargaretrutherford.com" target="_blank">drmargaretrutherford.com</a><br /><br /><br />When you have a cold, the guy who sits next to you at work says, "<em>Hey, you sound better.</em>"<br /><br />If you recently had a baby, your neighbor smiles and asks, "<em>Are you getting any sleep yet?</em>"<br /><br />If your mom's chemo has ended, your friends want to know, "<em>What did the doctors say? How's she doing?</em>"<br /><br />But what If you've spent the last three or four months struggling with getting out of bed? What if you're doing well to get one project out of the way at work when there are five more to take its place? What if you felt no joy in hearing your kids' laughter?<br /><br />What if you were having a <a href="https://drmargaretrutherford.com/is-it-self-pity-depression-or-perfectly-hidden-depression/" target="_blank">bout of depression</a>?<br /><br />Generally, people don't know what to say, so there are no questions. Because your illness is mental, it's as if it can't be talked about.<br /><br /><strong>Add invisibility and loneliness to what those with depression will feel. </strong><br /><br />Slowly, maybe with therapy, maybe with medication, you can begin to feel better. Maybe you managed to start running, although every morning you had to force your feet to hit the pavement. Maybe you started trying to focus on what you had control over and came up with an active strategy to heal. Maybe you sifted through feelings from old wounds that had never healed. Maybe you cried, worked through anger, kept a journal, or became more mindful.<br /><br />And your depression began to lift.<br /><br />If you suffer from <a href="https://drmargaretrutherford.com/how-to-understand-when-you-love-someone-with-recurrent-depression/" target="_blank">depression cycles</a>, you know it will be back. You have to manage it - watch for the signs of its return.<br /><br />But for now, it's better.<br /><br />It's hard work to accept and work with depression. You're trying to use your mind - the part of you that's not functioning well - to fix itself. It's a bit like trying to run on a broken leg in order for it to heal. But that's what you have to do.<br /><br />Some people have the understanding to support you. Many don't.<br /><br />People don't want to believe that something unforeseen, something they can't control, can take over their life, and rob them of contentment and pleasure.<br /><br />Just ask any woman who's struggled with postpartum depression. She'll tell you that there is very little to no support for a new mom who's depressed - who can't seem to bond with her new baby - who wants to scream - who feels dead inside. Instead, she hears, "<em>Oh, you're just tired.</em>" Or, "<em>It takes a little time to adjust.</em>" Or, "<em>It's your hormones raging.</em>"<br /><br /><strong>Add discounting and minimizing to her depression.</strong><br /><br />Finally, <a href="https://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20448173,00.html#beyond-baby-blues-0" target="_blank">celebrities are talking about PPD openly</a>. And it seems to be helping raise awareness and acceptance. <br /><br />Ask someone who discovers they have bipolar illness, and have to learn how to manage mood swings, racing thoughts and seemingly sudden drops into feelings of emptiness and despair. They learn to make sure they get enough sleep, take medication, watch their stress levels, in order to try and manage their illness. What kind of support do they receive? Are they seen as somehow damaged? Less than?<br /><br />Many times, yes.<br /><br /><strong>Add shame to an illness that they never asked for, nor did anything to create.</strong><br /><br />So, if you don't experience depression, how can you be supportive instead of adding loneliness, minimization, and shame onto those that do? <br /><br />You can say things like, "<em>I can't imagine what you're going through. But I'm here to listen.</em>" Simple things really.<br /><br />You can suspend judgment. You can try to learn. You can confront your own fear of life getting out of control.<br /><br />And if you do experience depression, you can openly talk with those you trust, who are trying to understand and confront whatever shame, discounting or loneliness you may have been feeling. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><em>Dr. Margaret Rutherford</em></strong>, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas., Her work can be found at <a href="https://drmargaretrutherford.com/" target="_blank">http://www.drmargaretrutherford.com</a>, as well as HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, the Gottman Blog and others. She's the author of "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Not-Chickens-Margaret-Rutherford/dp/0692843256/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494956175&sr=8-1&keywords=dr+margaret+rutherford" target="_blank">Marriage Is Not For Chickens</a></em>", a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598" target="_blank">SelfWork</a> with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-08-30T18:52:00Z
Want to Feel More Connected in Your Relationship? 5 Simple Tips in Choosing Yourself First
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Want-to-Feel-More-Connected-in-Your-Relationship--5-Simple-Tips-in-Choosing-Yourself-First/345854514996480404.html
2018-08-14T17:26:00Z
2018-08-14T17:26:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Jennifer Embery</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank">www.jenniferembery.com</a><br /><br /><br />Have you wondered why you don't seem to be a priority to others? Do you feel like you give more than you get? Are you totally over being exhausted in relationships?<br /><br />You can change all of that. It's simple. Maybe not easy, but simple.<br /><br />Think about flying. When the oxygen masks come down, you're supposed to put that mask on yourself before helping anyone else. There's a reason for that. If you pass out from oxygen deprivation, you can't help<em> anyone</em>. <br /><br />Translate that into regular day-to-day life. If you're exhausted, you can't do everything that's expected of you; forget anything you just <em>want </em>to do.<br /><br />There's no way to avoid feeling negative and sometimes resentful of others when we run ourselves ragged. That is a definite recipe for relationship disaster. No matter who the relationship is with - everyone suffers.<br /><br />So - what to do? Put your own oxygen mask on first - every single day. <br /><br /><ol>
<li><em><strong>Believe you deserve to give your body and mind the rest needed to feel good:</strong></em> As women, we feel like we always need to be producing. We don't. Some of our best, creative, amazing results come from downtime. Breaks allow us to slow down, see different perspectives, and come up with different ideas and solutions. Think about what you would tell your best friend or favorite relative if they told you they didn't deserve a break. Then believe you deserve the same or better because you do.</li>
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<li><strong><em>Start small:</em></strong> Big change is a shock to the system and our brains often reject it. Try baby steps. When you find yourself in moments of calm, take a breath and relax for 5 minutes. If you're choosing between doing the dinner dishes and going to bed at a reasonable hour, hit the sack. Dishes will be there tomorrow and you'll be more rested. </li>
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<li><em><strong>Develop an awareness in the moment of decision: </strong></em>We often say yes without even thinking. It's faster, easier, familiar, who else will do it? Whatever the reason, yes comes quick. Start to pay attention in those moments. Try saying no when you're only saying yes out of habit. I found a bracelet that had one word on it: Pause. I wore it while developing this habit and now if something isn't an <em>absolute</em> yes, it's probably going to be a no.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Decision-making trick:</strong></em> Something I was taught and now share with every woman I work with is to decide if doing something feels heavy or light. Heavy means whatever you're considering is probably coming from an obligatory spot and you don't really want to do it. Light means it's something you do want to do <em><strong>and</strong></em> for good reasons. It's not about difficult and easy. Sometimes difficult things still feel light. It's about the emotions that surround the task. If something feels heavy - reconsider why or how you might do it. Decide <em>intentionally</em>. </li>
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<li><strong><em>Fill your own cup first and always: </em></strong> If you need something, you deserve to make it happen. If you wait until you've satisfied everyone else's needs to focus on your own, you're going to be running on empty continually. Go back to tip #1. </li>
</ol><br />How do these tips create better relationships? <br /><br />We teach people how to treat us. Often, people take for granted that what we're doing is what we want to do. If we're always taking care of others, they assume that's a choice we've made. If we take care of ourselves, people take note. <br /><br />At first, they may just tolerate it but eventually, they will encourage it because the benefits become very clear. When you see yourself as valuable enough to care for, so will others.<br /><br />When we're happier, well-rested, more satisfied - everyone benefits. Relationships get stronger. <br /><br />So what are you waiting for? Start now. Go do one thing that makes you feel better. <br /><br /><br /><br />Jennifer Embery, after 20+ years as a leader in corporate America, made the transition to her life on purpose. She is a speaker, life coach, and writer who helps women over 40 determine what they want to do and how to do it. Click <a href="https://www.jenniferembery.com/schedule-tree-from-homepage" target="_blank">here</a> to sign up for your complimentary strategy session. For more info visit <a href="http://www.jenniferembery.com" target="_blank">www.jenniferembery.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-08-14T17:26:00Z
7 Reasons to Say 'No' and Do it with Confidence
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Reasons-to-Say-No-and-Do-it-with-Confidence/475079851312475721.html
2018-08-07T17:43:00Z
2018-08-07T17:43:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Dr. Danielle Dowling</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.danielle-dowling.com" target="_blank">www.danielle-dowling.com<br /></a><br /><br />With endless work deadlines, social engagements, and family responsibilities, it can feel like we're in a constant battle with time.<br /><br />Learning to say "<em>NO</em>" more often just might be the solution. Appreciating your need for some "<em>me time</em>" is one of the most fulfilling gifts you can give yourself and others. When we can simply pause, we restore, realign, and recalibrate.<br /><br />Sometimes, we have to sacrifice pleasing others in order to find time to recharge. Here are 7 reasons to embrace the power of saying no and some tips for how to say it with kindness and confidence.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>There's no "<em>right</em>" way to say no.</strong><br /><br />I understand that saying no is hard. We live in a culture that respects busyness, and "<em>doing it all</em>". And you worry that if you say no, you'll appear rude, create conflict, or burn a bridge.<br /><br />But these perceptions are misconceptions. To get you started, here are a few scripts for how to begin saying "<em>NO</em>" with respect and authenticity:<br /><br /><em>Now's not a good time as I'm in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?</em>"<br /><br />"<em>Let me think about it first, and I'll get back to you.</em>"<br /><br />"<em>I'm not the best person to help </em>on<em> this. Why don't you try X?</em>"<br /><br />"<em>I can't commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.</em>"</li>
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<li><strong>Your intuition is the greatest radar system you have.</strong><br /><br />Your gut feelings can help you figure out what you want long before you can actually express it. Tapping into your intuition will help you confidently articulate why you are choosing to say no, both to yourself and to the other person. Remember that some situations just aren't meant to be. <br /><br />Trying asking yourself this question. What is the best decision I can make in this moment? Then listen for the intuitive answer rather than a response your head is trying to push. </li>
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<li><strong>When we stretch ourselves thin, we're not helping anyone</strong>.<br /><br />Especially when someone we love or admire needs help, we tend to say YES rather than being realistic about our time commitments. This typically leads to burnout, resentment, frustration, and doesn't help you or anyone else in the long-run. It takes courage to admit when you're uninterested, not willing, or simply want better. Keep the <a href="https://danielle-dowling.com/be-more-vulnerable" target="_blank">focus on authenticity</a> rather than "<em>likeability</em>".</li>
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<li><strong>You will never please everyone</strong>.<br />If there are people who will sever ties with you because you need to say no to something, let them go. You are not responsible for other people's happiness. Your true friends, family and respected colleagues will understand. It's simply a fact that you will never be able to please everyone. So, fill your universe with those bright, supportive souls that will contribute to you leading a radiant life!</li>
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<li><strong>Practicing your "<em>no</em>" will help clarify your real desires.</strong><br /><br />You will reach a stage in your life where there are simply more pressing demands. Mortgages, children, aging parents, etc.<br /><br />You simply won't have the bandwidth to say yes, every time. Revisit your priorities and evaluate how this experience will benefit your life.<br /><br />For example: What would you like to never ever have to do again? Grab a piece of paper and write it down. Then burn it in your kitchen sink. When you are clear about what you no longer want to invest your time in, it creates the space and permission to prioritize your desires.</li>
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<li><strong>Saying "<em>no</em>" gives other people the chance to shine</strong>.<br /><br />When you remove from your plate what you don't have time for or interest in doing, you give someone else the opportunity to use their strengths. This person may deeply want the opportunity and will be grateful for a chance to shine. How's that for a win-win situation?</li>
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<li><strong>Boundary-setting is a practice in mindfulness.</strong><br /><br />While being a "<em>yes</em>" person can be wonderful at times, it won't lend itself to allowing yourself to just be.<br /><br />Think of saying no as a practice, an exercise in mindfulness. You might feel a little guilty at first, but if you acknowledge that feeling, address the other person with respect, let it go and move on, you will be more aware of the wise and loving power of NO.</li>
</ol><br />Living with more confidence starts withdrawing our worth from deep within rather than letting the world decide for us. We lead from our intuitive heart, know who we are and live our lives congruent with that truth. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Dr. Danielle Dowling</strong></em> is a Doctor of Psychology, life coach and speaker who helps women release limitations and re-introduces them to the dreams they'd forgotten or put on the shelf. If you want clarity on what you truly want, pinpoint & clear away the obstacles and patterns that are holding you back, and create the magnetic, radiant life you've always desired.... you're in the right place. Click here to schedule a complimentary discovery call. Learn more about finding your soulmate at <a href="https://danielle-dowling.com/" target="_blank">https://danielle-dowling.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-08-07T17:43:00Z
Moving from Dating to Building a Healthy Relationship - Six Tips in Cultivating Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Moving-from-Dating-to-Building-a-Healthy-Relationship---Six-Tips-in-Cultivating-Love/617996434734497587.html
2018-08-01T17:59:00Z
2018-08-01T17:59:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Ann Reichardt</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.loveonthedancefloor.com/" target="_blank">www.loveonthedancefloor.com</a><br /><br /><br />"<em>Love and relationship is meant to be more than a safety net, that companion. A pet can provide that. A lover will give you more.</em>" <br /><br />How can we increase the possibility of developing more within a growing relationship and not just a casual dating scenario that leads nowhere?<br /><br />We visualize this false perception of being a couple after a few dates when our partner has a completely different idea of what dating means. <br /><br />We all want transparency. Guessing games become filled with unnecessary anxieties about where we fit within the relationship.<br /><br />The real-life vulnerable moments most are fearful to embrace, block potential success in any relationship. We hold up walls of insecurities to protect our fragile souls. A first-time vulnerable experience opens up inner strength. Embracing this power, we are more open to unimaginable challenges. These emotional risks allow for a complete organic understanding of self, separate from those we are trying to give a false impression.<br /><br />We begin to use both head and heart in decision making when it comes to being open. With this power of clarity comes great responsibility. Intellectual and rational thought are favored in place of insecurity and fear or anxiety.<br /><br />Five important points to remember when looking to go from dating to a real relationship.<br /><ol>
<li><strong>Friendship: </strong>A sense of friendship is an important foundation for a beginning connection. So often this is what forms the basis for a long-lasting relationship. The mental resonances that deeply matter as well as an emotional one becomes seductive on so many levels.</li>
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<li><strong>Intellectual stimulation: </strong>The importance of communicating on similar levels opens up a plethora of internal knowledge based on past experiences, patterns, and how effective we relate to one another on that level. It can be either exciting or boring.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Commonality in interests, values, stage of lives experiences</strong>: Doing together as a unit with respect and admiration captivates the couple to want to be together. How we approach each other in desires and the foundation from which we come from may have an impact on reacting to one another. Understanding the differences may be crucial in being empathetic and supportive.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Trust:</strong> Comfort in feeling safe with that person in our lives allows for the freedom of individual vulnerabilities. The openness allowing the other person into our personal space gives way to a special intimate bond only the two partners can share.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Clarity:</strong> Fear is no longer the enemy of our thoughts. We become empowered, free to express ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically and intellectually within the boundaries of our new relationship. The consequence may be great but unless we are secure within ourselves and willing to circumvent that potential downfall we'll never know if our actions may end up being blissfully successful.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Honesty:</strong> The ideal relationship is built on honesty where both partners feel permission to be themselves totally and completely while constantly challenging one another to grow.</li>
</ol>The foundation for satisfaction and contentment in a healthy relationship requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Opening up our insecurities and fears to someone new without the pre-established groundwork typical of a first time date takes strength. <br /><br />Facing the challenges and being able to unfreeze preexisting anxieties allows for a complete understanding of one's self. Separate from those we are trying to fool or give a false impression of ourselves. This illusion when first relating to a person is disingenuous. It will eventually be discovered as such and rejection follows.<br /><br />To help increase the probability of going from dating to a relationship requires this deeper core significant level of emotional, spiritual and mutual respectful reciprocation of our differences and willingness to work towards a special connection that is not found in dating alone. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Ann Reichardt </strong></em>earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing and a Bachelor of Arts in Art Education. Before retirement, she taught language arts at the secondary level and went on to become a clinical nurse practitioner in the medical, surgical field working in a hospital, clinical and public health settings. "<em>The Dance Card</em>" Looking for Love After Divorce is her first published memoir. "<em>The New Dance Card</em>" chronicles her eight-year journey of online dating. Where are they now? Was there success in finding true love? For more information visit <a href="https://annreichardt.com/" target="_blank">www.annreichardt.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-08-01T17:59:00Z
7 Ways to Measure the Core Connection in Your Love Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Measure-the-Core-Connection-in-Your-Love-Relationship/467712624819340720.html
2018-07-23T17:00:00Z
2018-07-23T17:00:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By John McElhenney</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.wholeparent.org" target="_blank">www.wholeparent.org</a><br /><br /><br />Are we scared to love at our highest capacity? Do past hurts keep us a bit reserved in our affections for another person? Even in our family of origin, did we learn that loving someone with all our hearts and minds was actually unsafe?<br /><br />How can I know, this early, that I am in the 4th LTR (long-term relationship) of my life? I know. I feel it. We express our intentions together often. And she keeps showing me in actions that she's here for the real thing. We're both ready for "<em>what's next</em>." But what keeps me from falling, completely, in love? Or am I already there and just hedging my bets with doubt and hesitation? <br /><br />I've come up with some key questions to help you evaluate the strength and openness in a new relationship. Here are my self-interview questions when thinking about my partner.<br /><br /><strong>7 Ways to Measure the Core Connection in Your Love Relationship </strong><br /><br /><ol>
<li>Have I found a willing partner, who expresses the same intent with clarity and openness?</li>
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<li>Is she beautiful to me, and I can imagine loving no other woman, ever?</li>
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<li>Do we fit together, is there an easiness in our date nights?</li>
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<li>Can we move through the red flags on both sides? (Conflicts and disagreements may be no more than markers, learning opportunities, chances to understand the other person better)</li>
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<li>Are we stronger our disruptions and reconnections? Do we repair easily after a fight?</li>
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<li>Is this a person I trust? (How did you do on #4 and #5?)</li>
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<li>Is there a genuine curiosity about the other person as we seek out their opinions, ideas, dreams, fears, and fearlessly dive into places we don't understand?</li>
<br /> </ol>Listen to how you answer these questions. Are you comfortable being uncomfortable around this person? Can you let them see you at your worst? And do they stand-in or get scared when you show emotions? <br /><br />Relationships are all about balance and micro-course-corrections. You must ask the harder questions if you are considering this a long-term relationship. And you must trust this person with your disappointments (things that are hard in your life) and your complaints (things you'd like them to do better in the relationship.)<br /><br />A balanced person can embrace all of your moods and demands. You have to have someone you can trust in all the different flavors of your relationship together. There will be cinnamon and there will cayenne pepper, you need a partner who will savor all of your tasty bits, even the riskier ones.<br /><br /><strong>A Relationship Truth I Have Come to Accept</strong><br /><br />You have all the time you need. There is no hurry. Relax. Enjoy each other. Savor each step of the process. Don't skip the anticipatory foreplay along the path. And let yourself fall in love with your eyes wide open.<br /><br />Relationships take time, make sure you are giving yourself and your new partner the time you need to grow and adjust to the newness of the adventure. As you go along, pay attention to all the details. Luxuriate in the desire of new love. And keep your head in the present moment and watch as your dance with this other person unfolds.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><em>John McElhenney</em></strong> is a single dad who lives and writes in Austin, Texas. He is known for his fearless writing at <a href="http://wholeparentbook.com/" target="_blank">The Whole Parent blog</a>. John contributes to national publications and his books are available <a href="https://www.amazon.com/default/e/B00N8IQQJK/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1?redirectedFromKindleDbs=true" target="_blank">here on Amazon</a>. For more information visit <a href="http://www.wholeparent.org" target="_blank">https://wholeparent.org</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-07-23T17:00:00Z
Life Lessons from Dementia Caregiving: Promises Made and Broken
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Life-Lessons-from-Dementia-Caregiving:-Promises-Made-and-Broken/985602872145657897.html
2018-07-09T17:21:00Z
2018-07-09T17:21:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By Lisa B Capp</strong></em><br /><a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com/" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a><br /><br /><br />In 1965, I was 9 years old when my grandfather was moved to a nursing home. The massive wooden door of the old mansion-turned-institutional care facility always opened with a soiled sense of despair. While visiting her father over the years, my mother would softly sob: "<em>Promise never to put me in a nursing home.</em>" <br /><br />As a young child eager to please her mother, I promised.<br /><br />When I was 38 years old, my father began to decline. He'd spent years caring for others and knew life's endgame well. With darkness in his eyes, he searched mine quietly pleading, "<em>Promise me, you'll take care of your mother.</em>" <br /><br />As a daughter eager to ease her father's pain, I promised.<br /><br />In 2004 my mother's dementia grew too difficult for us to manage in our home. By honoring my promises, I allowed the situation to turn into a crisis. Our only option became involuntary committing my mother to a psychiatric ward allowing stabilization of her terrifying delusions and hallucinations. With the support of family, I came to understand she could not safely return home and we moved our mother to a memory care facility.<br /><br />I broke my promises. <br /><br />Understanding now, my promises should have been about protecting my mother. Caregiver actions need to be about the quality of care, not about fulfilling unrealistic promises. <br /><br />As caregivers, we must push aside feelings of guilt to pragmatically assess our true capabilities for the benefit of our loved ones:<br /><br />
<ul>
<li>Can you effectively manage your loved one's daily medication routines?</li>
<br />
<li>Can you realistically handle their declining mobility?</li>
<br />
<li>Are you physically and emotionally equipped to aid your loved one in the activities of daily living (ADL) like bathing, toileting, and dressing?</li>
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<li>Are you able to balance your life with the vigilance required to protect your loved one from wandering?</li>
<br />
<li>And, are you willing for what can be an extended period of time?</li>
</ul>
<br />There are a growing number of baby boomers advocating for change in the practices of cross-generational care. We're interested in removing the duty-bound thinking our next generation may have for aging or ailing loved ones. <br /><br />In order for true change, we'll need to:<br /><br /><strong>Add Long-Term Living to our plans:</strong> Planning for your first home, kid's college and retirement remain major investment considerations in our lives. Given how long we're living now, broadening the definition of fully funding our post-work lives in our pre and post-retirement thinking is critical. Seek out advice from those who understand long-term care planning to help avoid costly missteps. <br /><br /><strong>Be proactive in our search for options:</strong> Independent, Assisted and Memory Care Living options have changed over the years. Living within a community that offers multiple levels of care instead of remaining in your home can provide flexibility as your needs and those of your loved ones change. Actively searching out options together long before you'll need them will allow research into what's available, access to waiting lists for openings and the right financial advice to fund your ultimate decision. <br /><br /><strong>Include family and friends in our discussion and decisions:</strong> It's easier if you know what your loved one wants instead of trying to guess in a crisis. Start a discussion before age or illness prevents you from participating, leaving critical decisions to others. Unfortunately, death is a certainty, so plan a strategy to live life fully while you can. Being successful requires an open and honest dialogue about considerations we're all uncomfortable broaching. These discussions may become the most significant change required in long-term family care planning.<br /><br />Edward Jones has partnered with the Alzheimer's Association to focus on financial planning for aging and ailing loved ones. You may find some helpful tips on their website <a href="https://www.edwardjones.com/preparing-for-your-future/calculators-checklists/life-event-checklists/caring-for-loved-ones.html" target="_blank">here</a>. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong><a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com/" target="_blank">Lisa B Capp</a></strong></em> is a blogger, an activist, and a dementia caregiving survivor. As a High Tech Change Consultant, Lisa worked with leaders of global business, governments, and non-profits. Her passion for empowering strength through transition in her professional work is now focused on those living a care partner life. For more information visit her website at <a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com/" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a>. Connect on Twitter @lisabcapp and LinkedIn at Lisa B Capp. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-07-09T17:21:00Z
The Turn Around: Be the Partner You Want Your Partner to Be
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Turn-Around:-Be-the-Partner-You-Want-Your-Partner-to-Be/-436773083168637357.html
2018-06-22T17:10:00Z
2018-06-22T17:10:00Z
<br /><strong>By Deva Joy <span>Gouss</span></strong><br /><a href="http://www.healingheartcommunications.com/#/" target="_blank">www.healingheartcommunicaitons.com</a><br /><br /><br />Most of us hear this statement, "<em>Be the partner you want your partner to be</em>" and we laugh and say, "<em>Of course! Dah!</em>" But it often doesn't work out that way. Instead, we are often in the habit of matching the experience we have of our partner's behaviors and attitudes and we act to them the way they act to us. <br /><br />How often do we feel stung by our partners and automatically we sting back? We get stuck in patterns of reaction and it becomes a vicious cycle that often seems too hard to break. When we get hurt, disappointed or mad, the egos first instinct is to find justification for how the other person is wrong and to be blamed for our bad feelings - and then to punish by either withholding love or pointing out our partner's faults and issues are. Aren't we all such experts on how our partners sabotage the relationship?<br /><br />The statement, "<em>Be the partner you want your partner to be,"</em> is actually a radical paradigm shift. It calls on deep commitment, conviction and mindfulness to shift the focus from how your partner shows up or doesn't show up to how you show up or not. It is an invitation to you to clarify your own values, principles and guidelines on the kind of a partner you want to be. It then challenges you to live into alignment with what you hold as true - not based on someone else's ways, but rather, your own internal compass. <br /><br />Do not go into a trance to believe this is an easy task. We are wired for reactivity. Being the partner you want your partner to be takes great diligence, discipline, pausing, breathing, checking in before acting, regulating your emotions, and being mindful of your non-verbal and verbal expressions. <br /><br />But the work is worth it. To listen and honor your own guidance versus being reactive is the most empowering and enlightening way to live relationship. When we close our hearts to our partners, we shut down on our own internal experience of love. Said in another way, we cannot experience love if our hearts are shut down. Therefore, reacting negatively to our partners when we don't like what they do or not do actually hurts ourselves. These old defense mechanisms no longer serve us but they are thieves to what we actually want to be living.<br /><br />Follow these steps for further help manifest The Turn Around:<br /><ol>
<li>Make a list of how you want your partner to show up for you - whether they currently are or aren't.</li>
<br />
<li>Go through the list and take honest inventory by exploring if you show up in the ways you listed in the first question.</li>
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<li>Write down your values and principles for what a good partner is in a beloved relationship. (You may refer to your own marriage or partnership vows). </li>
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<li>Rate yourself honestly and discover your strengths and where you are falling short according to your own code of guidelines, not what someone else says you should or shouldn't be doing. </li>
</ol><br />Questions for your own Self-Inquiry:<br /><br /><ol>
<li>When you are in conflict, do you let your partner know that they have a point when you can?</li>
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<li>Do you give your partner at least three appreciations a day - and not about a good meal or how they look but truly about who they are? </li>
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<li>Do you take care of and nurture yourself in ways so that you have energy to be present for and with your partner? </li>
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<li>When you feel hurt by your partner, do you let him or her know in a respectful way that allows for bridging?</li>
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<li>When things are rough and you are taking space from your partner, do you focus on how bad it is or do you turn your attention away from the argument and self-soothe and nurture so that you can re-group and have more resources to deal with the issue when you come back together?</li>
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<li>Do you make efforts to do the next loving thing with your partner, not based on how you feel but rather your commitment to live in a loving relationship</li>
</ol><br />Once you clarify your own values, principles and guidelines for being the partner you want your partner to be, take time each night to reflect on how much you lived accordingly to your vision. You are cultivating new ways and it takes effort and reflection to actually make it yours. It's okay if you blew it that day. Every exchange is an opportunity to learn. There is always the next moment to do the next loving thing. <br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Deva Joy</strong></em><strong> </strong><em><strong>Gouss,<em> LCSW</em></strong></em>, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Atlanta Georgia for over thirty years. She and her husband give weekend couple retreat workshops called Nurturing Your Love. She also facilitates many other kinds of training and workshops including Council of All Beings, Tribe Time, Marrying Yourself, Yoga and Movement Celebration to name a few. She is the author of Re-arranged, Never the same: The Nature of Grief and Toolbox of Hope, For When Your Body Doesn't Feel Good. Visit Deva Joy at <a href="http://www.healingheartcommunications.com/#/" target="_blank">www.healingheartcommunicaitons.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-06-22T17:10:00Z
Am I Safe with You? Are You Safe with Me? Building Relationships on Mutual Trust
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Am-I-Safe-with-You-Are-You-Safe-with-Me-Building-Relationships-on-Mutual-Trust/14589701870703459.html
2018-06-14T17:59:00Z
2018-06-14T17:59:00Z
<br /><strong>By Jeanie Miley</strong><br /><a href="http://www.jeaniemiley.com" target="_blank">www.jeaniemiley.com</a><br /><br /><br />In today's culture, individuals are on high alert about abuse and harassment issues to the extent that the quest for meaningful relationships is affected by concerns about whether or not a person is trustworthy.<br /><br />Nevertheless, the need for belonging, the desire for close relationships and the yearning for emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual intimacy beat away in human beings. Taking risks and making ourselves vulnerable to each other in forming connections is always fraught with a certain amount of anxiety, there is yet one more hurdle in the process of meeting and mating. Where, we ask, are we be safe? How do we conduct ourselves in daily relationships?<br /><br />While awkward and often jarring, the conversations about uncomfortable topics can ultimately lead to a deeper understanding of what makes relationships survive and thrive. In the long run, coming to a greater clarity of each other's needs, expectations and fears can help us reach across the great divides that separate us, hopefully bringing about more honest and authentic relationships.<br /><br />Uproar in the culture can make us stronger when we take a look at our own lives, do some honest introspection and inventory and know the truth about how we relate to each other. Socrates wisely stated that "<em>the unexamined life is not worth living</em>". <br />Perhaps that wisdom can provide some guidance for some self-reflection. Self-reflection can lead to greater self-awareness, and self-awareness can provide insight for making corrections in one's own way of relating to others, whether you are looking for a significant relationship, just getting acquainted or considering deepening a commitment.<br /><br />Here are some first steps in exploring the issue of safety and trust in a relationship.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Remember:</strong> Take some time to reflect on a time when you felt really safe and free with another person. What was it that the other person did or said that made it possible for you to trust him/her? Remember, as well, an occasion when you felt wary, confused, anxious or even afraid with another person. What was it that made you feel unsafe? Is feeling safe or unsafe a pattern for you? Is a feeling of anxiety that you have today about a current relationship or is it residue from an earlier betrayal? </li>
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<li><strong>Take a look at yourself:</strong> How important is it for others to feel safe and be safe with you? What kinds of behaviors do you have that communicate to others that you are trustworthy? Do you keep your word? When you offend or hurt someone, are you able to apologize sincerely? How do you handle rejection? What do you do when you are angry? If you were ruthlessly honest with yourself, what would you say that you need to improve in order to feel safe and keep others feeling safe in a close relationship? Are you afraid of commitment because of a past failure in relationships, and if so, what can you learn about yourself from the past that can help you be freer and wiser now?</li>
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<li><strong>Stay awake and alert:</strong> Relationships that last are built on mutual trust and respect. The character is formed by thoughts, which leads to action. Those actions that are repeated over time become habits. Habits both shape and reveal character. At the first sign of dishonesty, either in yourself or another person, it is important to sit up and take notice. If a pattern emerges, it is time to take action to talk about the discrepancy and, if the relationship is important enough, work for a change in the patterns. </li>
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<li><strong>Honor the paradox:</strong> All persons are a mixture of weaknesses and strengths. We all make mistakes, and often we hurt the persons we love the most. Healthy relationships, then, involve knowing when to overlook a flaw and when it must be addressed as a potential deal-breaker in a trusting relationship. The intricate dance of love requires both boundary-setting and vulnerability, acceptance and forgiveness.</li>
</ol><br /><br /><strong>Jeanie Miley</strong> is an author of thirteen books on spiritual growth and relationships, including the recent release Practicing Resurrection: Radical Hope in Difficult Times. She is a speaker and retreat leader and has written a weekly newspaper column, "<em><em><a href="http://www.yourgrowingedges.com/couples.html" target="_blank">Growing Edges</a></em></em>" for thirty-eight years.<a href="http://www.jeaniemiley.com" target="_blank"> http://www.jeaniemiley.com/</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-06-14T17:59:00Z
Is Social Media Hurting Your Relationship?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Social-Media-Hurting-Your-Relationship/220159999047437751.html
2018-05-30T17:05:00Z
2018-05-30T17:05:00Z
<br /><br /><strong>By Wendy Salazar, MFT</strong><br /><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/relationships" target="_blank">www.goodtherapy.org</a><br /><br /><br />Social media has taken the world by storm. Many people spend a large portion of their days tweeting, texting, and checking their Facebook accounts. Adolescents tend to spend even more time online than adults, with a recent study suggesting that many engage in social networking for over two hours per day. Does that seem low or high to you? What about your partner?<br /><br />Given how accessible and widely used social media is-Facebook alone has 1.8 billion active users-many people check in to find out what's new, update others, and try to feel more connected with their world. Sharing a blow-by-blow of one's day on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat has become routine. Whether you are at work, school, shopping, traveling, or just walking down the street, people can be seen everywhere hunched over their phones, getting updates about people they may or may not even be close to.<br /><br />Unfortunately, this can lead to unrealistic ideas of what others' lives are like, as well as unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/relationships" target="_blank">relationships</a>. Many people tend to post only pictures and messages when they are among friends, doing something compelling or exceptional, or otherwise having fun. Because people tend to avoid posting about the negative things that may be going on in their lives, the photos and events they do post may embellish or inaccurately reflect their true status or emotional state. Looking in from the outside, "<em>friends</em>" who are coupled may think such people have ideal lives or relationships, when the opposite may be closer to the truth.<br /><br />Many couples I work with in counseling talk about the ways social media have become problematic in their lives. It is not uncommon, for example, for one individual to be upset that a partner spends so much time online, which may interfere with time spent together. Another may become jealous if a partner befriends or follows a certain individual online. Others may feel as though their lives are <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/depression" target="_blank">depressing</a> or "<em>less than</em>" compared with the online accounts and posts of friends or couples who appear to have it all.<br /><br />If you feel as if social media has been causing problems in your relationship, the following are steps you can take to try to reconnect with your partner: Because people tend to avoid posting about the negative things that may be going on in their lives, the photos and events they do post may embellish or inaccurately reflect their true status or emotional state.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Set limits on the time you spend on social media.</strong> Try to cut back on the amount of time you spend online in general, especially when you have an opportunity to connect in person with your significant other. Make an agreement to spend more quality time together in the evening. This could mean leaving your phone in another room while you're having dinner or watching a movie together, or you might decide to disconnect as of a certain time each evening.</li>
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<li><strong>Put your phone away when out on a date.</strong> Too often, couples will set aside valuable "<em>us</em>" time to go out on a date, then spend part of it on their phones rather than talking to one another. When you go out, keep your phone in your pocket or purse, and only answer calls that are important (from the babysitter, for example).</li>
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<li><strong>Close your Facebook account. </strong>This might sound blasphemous but hear me out. For some couples, arguing about who befriends whom can become a serious problem and lead to <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/jealousy" target="_blank">jealousy</a> and <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/trust-issues" target="_blank">trust issues</a>. If this is the case for you and/or your partner, you might want to consider closing or suspending your account, at least for a while, to avoid ongoing issues and drama. Spending time online communicating with other people-especially former romantic interests or others who may inspire difficult feelings in your partner may not be the best solution to deepen your bond with your significant other. Saying your partner comes first is one thing, but showing it is even more important.</li>
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<li><strong>Keep things in perspective and avoid comparisons. </strong>Keep in mind what you read about online may not accurately portray what is going on in the lives of others. Relationships are always more complex than a few pictures or posts can possibly convey. What's going on out of public view tends to be very different from the impression you may get from reading someone's social media feed.</li>
</ol><br />If social media has been causing problems in your relationship, try implementing some of the suggestions above. By setting and honoring some boundaries and making more of an effort to connect in person, you can work on reestablishing a healthier dynamic and deepening your bond. If despite your efforts, you are still struggling, you may want to <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html" target="_blank">contact a couples counselor</a> to help you to resolve your issues and get back on track.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Reference:</strong></em><br />Hajirnis, A. (2015, November 15). Social media networking: Parent guidance required. The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, 31(12): 1-7. doi:10.1002/cbl.30086.<br /><br /> © Copyright 2017 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/wendy-salazar-20131105" target="_blank">Wendy Salazar, MFT</a>, <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/ca/san-diego" target="_blank">therapist in San Diego, California</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-05-30T17:05:00Z
Love: Lost and Found on The Edge of Alzheimer's
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Love:-Lost-and-Found-on-The-Edge-of-Alzheimers/641739363231543121.html
2018-05-17T17:05:00Z
2018-05-17T17:05:00Z
<br /><br /><strong>by Lisa B Capp</strong><br /><a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a><br /><br /><br />Alzheimer's disease is now the sixth leading cause of death in the United States. Behind this statistic are 16 million Americans providing unpaid care to a loved one with Alzheimer's or related dementias. The face of caregiving today is a family member or friend doing their best to survive the role of care partner. <br /><br />Are you one of them?<br /><br />Thinking about the dementia journey my mother and I shared over 18 years; waves of powerlessness, loneliness, and guilt always come first. They are the emotions I often felt as an uneducated caregiver. Trying to remember the good, my mind usually finds its way to the pain of my shortcomings.<br /><br />In my mother's lucid moments she'd talk about love. She and my father had been married 46 years before his death. Then as my mother descended into dementia her delusions afforded one last love affair with David. David was concocted through her illness and likely an amalgam of those who were kind to her. <br /><br />No matter, she was deeply smitten. <br /><br />At that stage of her dementia, I found myself even more conflicted. Her 80-something giddiness over young love was palpable and I should've been happy for her. Instead, I was oddly defensive over my long-gone dad and suspicious of this imaginary man courting my mother.<br /><br />Boundaries are critical for all care partners supporting loved ones with brain disease. Although we're advised to enter their reality, we also need to keep a grip on our own. Some balancing strategies you may find helpful:<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Just let go: </strong>You may pride yourself on being the best at heated debates, settling emotionally charged discussions or simply being rational in all of life's challenges. With brain diseases like Alzheimer's although you can enter your loved one's reality you cannot often 'win' in their world. Suspend your need to fix, flatten or finalize. When safety is a concern, of course you'll need to prevail, otherwise let go before escalation ensues.</li>
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<li><strong>Desensitize from your emotional triggers:</strong> Spend quiet time reflecting on what triggers you most in your role as care partner. Is your trigger a phrase, a facial expression, a recurring struggle, or simply guilt and anger seeing those you love suffer? Pick a phrase you can remember easily. When under pressure, close your eyes and calmly say your phrase over and over to yourself as you breathe out and until your shoulders begin to drop back in place. Likely your loved one won't even notice and you'll have a moment to reclaim composure. In more severe cases of chaos, have an exit strategy; one allowing you to break the tension for all.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Forgive yourself often:</strong> Caring for a loved one with dementia and Alzheimer's disease can be a long and tiring journey. Although you'll find moments of great fulfillment, you'll beat yourself up for your missteps, too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember it's the disease, not your loved one you see in moments of tension. And it's your loved one, not the disease you see in moments of lucidity. Treasure the moments of lucidity you share.</li>
</ul>
<br />Personal survival strategies for care partners are essential to maintaining your health and stamina. Well-executed strategies can ultimately give you strength to provide ongoing care for your loved one. Studies show that stress leads to higher mortality rates in caregivers than non-caregivers of the same age. <br /><br />Prepare yourself for a marathon, not a sprint.<br /><br /><br /><br />Lisa B Capp is a blogger, an activist and a dementia caregiving survivor. As a High Tech Change Consultant, Lisa worked with leaders of global business, governments and non-profits. Her passion for empowering strength through transition in her professional work is now focused on those living a care partner life. For more information visit her website at <a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a>. Connect on Twitter @lisabcapp and LinkedIn: Lisa B Capp.Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-05-17T17:05:00Z
Should I Consider a Nursing Home?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-I-Consider-a-Nursing-Home/-208121063260042169.html
2018-05-09T18:21:00Z
2018-05-09T18:21:00Z
<br /><br /><strong>Provided by Facility Resource Group</strong><br /><a href="http://www.facilityresourcegroup.org" target="_blank">www.facilityresourcegroup.org</a><br /><br /><br />Whether you and your family are facing a quick decision about a nursing home due to a recent event or have been coping with a worsening progressive disease such as Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, considering a nursing home is not an easy decision. <br /><br />Emotions such as guilt, sadness, frustration and anger are normal. Working through the possibilities of housing, <a href="http://facilityresourcegroup.org/asset-protection-2/485/" target="_blank">finances</a>, and medical needs can help you and your family make an informed decision.<br /><br />Here are four questions to ask when considering a nursing home:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Has the senior been assessed recently?</strong><br />If a nursing home is being considered as the next step from a hospitalization, this probably has already been done. However, if a senior is considering a move from home or another facility, a more formal assessment by a medical team can help clarify the senior's needs and see if other housing options may be a possibility.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Can the senior's needs be met safely in other housing situations? </strong><br />The risk of falls may be too great, or the senior's medical needs may no longer be able to be met at home or in another facility. If the senior needs 24-hour supervision or is in danger of wandering off or forgetting about a hot stove, for example, a skilled nursing facility may be the best option. If the senior's needs are solely custodial, though, an assisted living facility may be a better fit.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Can the primary caregiver meet the senior's needs?</strong><br />Caregivers are often juggling the needs of work, other family, and their own health. It's not possible for one person to be awake and responsive 24 hours a day. Sometimes other family members can help fill in the gap. Day programs, home care services, and respite care, where a senior temporarily stays in a nursing home, may also provide the support a caregiver needs. However, there may come a point where medical needs become too great and home care services are unable to bridge the gap or become too expensive.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Would the need for a nursing home be temporary or permanent?</strong><br />Sometimes, a temporary situation may be covered through home care, or family members might be able to rotate care on a short-term basis. However, if the level of care is expected to be permanent, this may be too expensive, or coverage might not be enough.</li>
</ol><br /><br />These are decisions that require careful thought and planning. Take the time to review all your options. There are <a href="http://facilityresourcegroup.org/" target="_blank">Federal plans</a> in the state of California to cover skilled care costs. Speak with a professional and learn all the options available to you and your family in this difficult time.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>FacilityResourceGroup.org </strong>has provided federally approved entitlement benefits for families in need of skilled care in California for more than 20 years. Protect your assets and provide the skilled care your loved ones need while you protect your family. <a href="http://facilityresourcegroup.org/" target="_blank">Click here</a> for a free consultation. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-05-09T18:21:00Z
Three Things Everyone Needs and Why We Will Do Anything to Get Them
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Three-Things-Everyone-Needs-and-Why-We-Will-Do-Anything-to-Get-Them/384387589232193717.html
2018-04-19T17:21:00Z
2018-04-19T17:21:00Z
<br /><strong>By: Jill Sodini </strong><em><strong><br /></strong></em><a href="http://www.habitualhealthbyjill.com" target="_blank">www.habitualhealthbyjill.com</a><br /><br />So often we find ourselves trying to figure out why we react a certain way to situations, or better yet, why others react the way they do. At times, understanding our own actions is hard enough, let alone trying to understand the actions of others. When provided information regarding how the mind works and what our brain naturally does to protect itself, both aspects can become very clear. <br /><br />In 1943 Abraham Maslow published <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs" target="_blank">Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs</a> to better explain the theory of motivation in philosophy, which explains that all people are motivated to act one way or another based on what they need. Maslow designed a pyramid with 6 levels of needs, the most basic of these being placed at the bottom. The first and largest level is physiological needs. These needs are those physical things the body requires to survive such as air, water, food, etc. Without these, nothing further can be accomplished.<br /><br />Right after having our most basic physical needs met, Maslow prioritizes what humans need emotionally to survive. Levels two and three are safety, and love/ belonging. These are the only needs on the pyramid that solely depend on other people and our environment. Since we are unable to control what others might do, issues often arise within our personal relationships. Understanding how this plays a part in our interpersonal communications allows us the opportunity to choose how we react, and therefore can greatly decrease this as a source of stress in our lives.<br /><br />If at any point our needs for safety, love or belonging are not being met, we will do anything to get them back intact. Our instincts take over and we make decisions, good or bad, that can make us feel secure once again. This is where our needs trump the feelings of others if we allow them to. <br /><br />For example, if a friend decides to talk about you to other friends in your social circle, it's likely because their sense of belonging is being threatened in some way. This move has the ability to position that friend closer to everyone else at your expense. There is no guarantee that this strategy will be well received and won't cause further distancing, but the benefit outweighs the risk if things go according to plan. The decision to choose you may not be personal, it could be that you were the easiest way to accomplish their goal. <br /><br />This doesn't excuse their actions or make them right by the "<em>friend code</em>", nonetheless it helps us understand why someone would behave poorly to people they care about. Even more importantly, once we understand how our brain works, we can better understand how our own reactions and behaviors come about. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have said "I can't believe I did that!" or "Why did I act that way?". I knew my behavior wasn't who I wanted to be, but there was a driving force that I didn't quite understand.<br /><br />Instead of reacting poorly when we know we shouldn't, we can stop and examine our feelings to see which need; love, safety or belonging is feeling threatened. This refocuses our attention on the root cause of our feelings and gives us a better place to take action. <br /><br />All of us have acted in ways we regret and simply don't even understand. It leaves us to question what kind of person we really are, however, it is important to know that our emotions do not define us. They are feelings in response to a cause, but that doesn't make them true. Knowing the difference builds a new foundation upon how we view ourselves. <br /><br />Understanding what motivates us to act in any situation affords us the opportunity to respond in a way that is appropriate and aligns with who we know we truly are. We are able to address what is missing from our lives to improve our quality without sacrificing relationships that are meaningful to us. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Jill Sodini</strong>, Founder of <em><a href="https://www.habitualhealthbyjill.com/" target="_blank">Habitual Health By Jill</a></em>, is a Certified Health Coach, author, and speaker. She provides realistic strategies for sustainable <a href="https://www.habitualhealthbyjill.com/health-coaching" target="_blank">habit change</a> regardless of the topic. With over 20 years of work experience and education in the field of health and wellness, Jill is an expert in providing the right system, support and accountability to obtain desired health. Contact Jill to take control of your life. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2018-04-19T17:21:00Z
How Taking More Perspective Can Help Your Relationship Grow
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Taking-More-Perspective-Can-Help-Your-Relationship-Grow/108202685197056375.html
2018-04-01T17:40:00Z
2018-04-01T17:40:00Z
<br /><strong>By: <span>Steffan Surdek</span><strong> </strong><em> </em></strong><em><strong><br /></strong></em><a href="http://www.steffansurdek.com/" target="_blank">www.steffansurdek.com</a><br /><br /><br />
<div>In our daily lives, we often confuse our personal perspective with reality. In these moments our belief is that our perspective is reality but is that always the case?<br /><br /></div>
<div>What could be different in your life if you could see all perspectives hold some truth?<br /><br /></div>
<div>Think for a moment about the last time you had a big argument with your spouse. What was your mindset? Were you right and your spouse was wrong? Was it that cut and dry?<br /><br /></div>
<div>Let's explore <a href="http://www.provokingleadership.com/articles/more-perspectives-better-lead/" target="_blank">perspective taking</a> and how it can help your relationship flourish.<br /><br /><br /></div>
<div><strong>The distinction between perspective and reality</strong><br />There are a lot of fun expressions around this topic. The easiest one is "<em>my perspective is my reality</em>" but is this really true or is there a difference between the two?<br /><br /><strong> </strong><em> </em><span>Perspectives are the way we see the world as individuals. It is your personal point of view and among other things, it comes from different things such as:</span></div>
<ul>
<li><span>Your life experiences and values</span></li>
<br />
<li>Your current state of mind</li>
<br />
<li>Assumptions and baggage you bring into a situation</li>
</ul>
<div>Reality is different because we share a form of it with other people. Did you ever notice how the more perspectives we get on a situation, the closer we get to reality?</div>
<div><br /><br /><strong>What is perspective taking?</strong><br />Instead of explaining it, let's do something different. Go back to that last argument with your spouse for a moment. Take a moment to try to see their point of view in that argument.<br /><br /><strong> </strong><em></em><span>For fun, try to answer these questions:</span><strong></strong><em></em></div>
<ul>
<li><span>What was your spouse trying to tell you?</span><strong></strong><em></em></li>
<br />
<li><span>How could any of it be true from their point of view?</span></li>
</ul>
<div><span><span>These two basic questions are at the root of perspective taking. When you think your perspective is reality, you will often forget these questions. In relationships, this can create unhealthy conversations that look like this:</span><strong></strong><em></em><br /></span></div>
<ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span>You and your spouse are listening to argue instead of listening to understand.</span></li>
<br />
<li>Neither you or your spouse feels heard by the other</li>
<br />
<li>Internal frustrations grow for both of you and a lot of things remain unsaid</li>
</ul>
<div><br /><strong>How can this help your relationship? <br /></strong>Here are some tips to help change the conversations in your relationship:<strong><br /></strong></div>
<ul>
<li>Learn to accept that what you and your spouse are saying are your personal points of view. You can both be right and both be wrong but it's not about that. It's about listening to each other and working through it.</li>
<br />
<li>Be curious about the point of view of your spouse and try to see the world through their eyes. Ask clarifying questions if you need to.</li>
<br />
<li>Answer your spouse in a way that lets them see and feel that you can see their point of view in the discussion.</li>
<br />
<li>Identify the differences in your point of views and name them in the conversation. This may provide your spouse with the information they need to better listen to you.</li>
<br />
<li>Do not judge or dismiss the perspectives of your spouse. Remember that although you may not think you are doing this your spouse may still feel that way.</li>
</ul>
<div><strong><br />Conclusion</strong><br />Having conversations is hard because we are all human with different needs. You may also be wary of conflict and sometimes it may feel like it is easier to avoid them altogether.<br /><br /></div>
<div>Mastering the art of perspective taking will make your conversations easier. The beauty of this is that you can see results with your spouse with one person actively doing it. Do not try to change your spouse, change how you have the discussion instead and see what happens.<br /><br /></div>
<div>How will you apply more perspective taking in your life? How different could your relationship be if you learned this new skill?</div>
<div><br /><br /><br /><strong>Steffan Surdek </strong>is an in-demand <a href="http://www.provokingleadership.com/work-with-us/" target="_blank">leadership development coach and corporate trainer</a>. He has always been driven to expand the notion of leadership to include each member of the team. As a widely recognized principal consultant, Steffan's work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient. He is the founder of <a href="http://pyxis-tech.com/en/contact-us/about-pyxis-cultures/" target="_blank">Pyxis Cultures</a>, a consulting and training company based in Montreal, Canada. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</div>
Staff
2018-04-01T17:40:00Z
In the Era of Caregiving: Relationship Reality Bites
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/In-the-Era-of-Caregiving:-Relationship-Reality-Bites/-559523584932436835.html
2018-03-19T17:09:00Z
2018-03-19T17:09:00Z
<br /><em><strong>By: Lisa B. Capp<br /></strong></em><a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com" target="_blank">lisabcapp.com<br /></a><br /><br />I take my place at the conference table for an Alzheimer's support group session with the usual participants; mostly older women serving in the role of unpaid caregiver to an aging loved one. <br /><br />At the opposite end of the room sitting quietly and alone is a twenty-something woman, striking among the gray hairs with flowing auburn locks and beautiful brown eyes. Those eyes, however, carry undue amounts of burden for such a young person.<br /><br />In the course of the evening, she introduces herself as Emily sharing her story in a soft-spoken fashion that draws you in quickly and completely. Emily has been caring for her mother Jane, diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's when mom was 42 and Emily was just 20 years old.<br /><br />The last straw bringing Emily to the support group on this cold, winter night was an intervention she led to take the car keys away from mom. I listen to Emily recount all the rational reasons why she had to, while fighting back her tears. Her story instantly brings me back to the moment I took the car keys away from my mother. <br /><br />My mom had been living with my family for nine years after dad died. She displayed signs of dementia we were all blind to, until her hallucinations and delusions turned dark and violent. I was 50 years old when I took the cars keys from my mother, thirty more years of life experience than Emily when forced to remove the universal symbol of one's independence from a parent.<br /><br />Emily's voice brings me back to the room as she shares an even more profound tale; her head hangs heavy describing young love. She and her boyfriend had been together through high school, college and into adulthood. <br /><br />She imagined they'd survived insurmountable odds, declaring the union solid until the day he bolted, no longer able to support Emily's caregiving role. She didn't blame him, taking on her perceived fate without protest. <br /><br />With such heavy caregiving responsibilities, how could she spare time to find or nurture a new relationship? Emily was convinced she'd have to sustain alone.<br /><br />Although it's been years since that night, I'm reminded of Emily reading the report recently published by the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery, and Psychiatry stating, "People who have been single all of their lives have a 42% higher risk of developing dementia." The study suggests there may be causal effects to being in a significant relationship including a healthy lifestyle and social stimulation that can reduce the risk of the disease.<br /><br />Millennials should take special note given they now make up ~25% of all Alzheimer family caregivers in the US, caring for either parents or grandparents. And the millennial caregiving ranks continue to grow. <br /><br />There are many lessons we can take from attempting to balance caregiving with relationships. As a dementia caregiving survivor, many of these lessons I learned the hard way:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Socializing beyond caregiving is not only good for you, it's good for the person you care for </strong>- Caring relationships become destructive when a primary caregiver believes no one else is capable of providing care. Both the caregiver and the individual in care benefit from social interaction beyond just each other. It's critical to make room for support, allowing you time to focus on self-care.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>You may be in the role of caregiver for a long time, pace yourself </strong>- Care through aging or a debilitating illness often requires the skill of a marathoner, not a sprinter. My mother and I shared an 18-year journey through dementia, something I never planned on top of a busy work and family life. No matter how worn out you feel, schedule time in your calendar to be with others who support YOU. Only by nurturing your most significant relationships will you find emotional support when you most need it.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Consider channels to connect with others you might never have used in the past</strong> - You may not think of yourself as an online dating-type however dating services like eHarmony and social networking sites like Meetup can provide opportunity to connect with others who share your interests and your burdens. Built-in flexibility with these sites may better support your caregiving commitments. You can utilize filters in dating sites and search functions in networking sites to help zero-in on the type of support you need, making it possible to bypass some opportunities for inappropriate relationships. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Understand: the right match for you may take time</strong> - Be selfish and don't settle for those who don't understand or support your caregiving role. The last thing you need in your busy life is one more person to care for!</li>
</ol><br />Research tells us it's critically important to build strong relationships in our lives in order to be healthy. In caregiving, it's too easy to lose yourself along the journey while you focus on your loved one. Find balance in your life by prioritizing YOURSELF near the top of all other caregiving responsibilities. <br /><br />Remember: put your oxygen mask on first, before assisting others.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lisa B Capp</strong> is a blogger, an activist and a dementia caregiving survivor. She serves as a co-chair to Alzheimer's Association Leadership Board (Vermont), member of the Alzheimer's Impact Movement (AIM), and AlzAuthors. As a High Tech Change Consultant, Lisa's worked with leaders of global business, government agencies and non-profits. Her passion for building strength through transition is now focused on helping others find their power through the caregiving journey. <a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a> --- Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-03-19T17:09:00Z
Why You Should Change Yourself Instead Of Your Spouse!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Should-Change-Yourself-Instead-Of-Your-Spouse!/562553608022275128.html
2018-03-12T18:17:00Z
2018-03-12T18:17:00Z
<br /><strong>By: Steffan Surdek</strong><br /><a href="http://www.steffansurdek.com" target="_blank">www.SteffanSurdek.com</a><br /><br /><br />Change is hard for a lot of people. When you look at your relationship, I am sure you can see a lot of things our spouse needs to change but what about you? What do you need to change to have a healthier and more conscious relationship with your spouse?<br /><br />One thing you may not realize is the only thing you have control over in a conversation is your fifty percent of it. What are you bringing to the discussion? How are you behaving or reacting to things? How are these things impacting your relationship with your spouse?<br /><br />When you work on changing your fifty percent of the conversation it will have an impact on your spouse's half. This article will explore various ways you can change your side of the conversation.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Take responsibility for your impact</strong><br /><br />The way you act and the way you speak has an impact on your spouse and you need to take responsibility for it.<br /><br />To do this, you can start by noticing how your spouse reacts when you say or do certain things. What are you triggering for them? Is there a different way to say or do the same thing that would have a different impact on them?<br /><br />I am not saying to wear white gloves or to do things to "<em>manage</em>" your spouse. There is an important distinction between speaking your truth and vomiting your truth. When you notice you are saying or doing something specific that is having an impact, stop and acknowledge it. You can also apologize for what you did and start over.</li>
<br />
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Take responsibility for your emotions</strong><br /><br />We can often come from a place of blame when talking about our emotions. Saying things such as "<em>you made me feel x...</em>" gives a lot of power over you to someone else.<br /><br />I often tease my children around the distinction between saying: "<em>I am angry</em>" vs "<em>you made me angry</em>". I tell them that it's not as if I am standing there asking them "<em>are you angry yet... are you angry yet?</em>".You can take responsibility for your emotions by noticing and changing how you speak. When you start doing this you will find conversations will start to have a lot less blaming and shaming.</li>
<br />
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Be more intentional</strong><br /><br />Before you start a conversation try to be clear on your intention. What are you trying to do in this conversation? Are you trying to have a conversation about a particular topic? Are you trying to start an argument? You can act in a different way when you are aware of your intention.<br /><br />Once you are clear on your intention, make sure your actions and words align with it when you are with your spouse. By knowing your intention, you can also share it with your spouse or use it to do a reset if things go bad.<br /><br />For example, if you are trying to create a conversation about a sensitive topic, you can frame it that way. An opening such as "I would like to talk about topic x and this is not easy for me, please bear with me" can help set the stage.</li>
<br />
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Listen for unmet needs</strong><br /><br />Look beyond the words of your spouse. What are the unmet needs they are trying to talk to you about? Try to listen for these instead of reacting to the words your spouse is using to express them. Repeat them back to see if you are picking up on the right cues. This will help your spouse feel heard.<br /><br />For example, "<em>you never do anything around the house</em>" could mean your spouse needs support. Non-violent communication tools are a great help for this. To get started, download these needs and feeling inventories.<br /><br />In your mind, go back to one of the recent arguments with your spouse and try to identify at least one unmet need. What did they say that leads you to believe this is the right one? Practice doing this and check if you are hearing the right need by naming it in the discussion. You can do this by asking "<em>are you needing more x?</em>".<br /><br />How will you begin to change your fifty percent of the conversation?</li>
</ul>
<br /><br /><em><strong><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://www.steffansurdek.com/" target="_blank">Steffan Surdek</a></strong></em><span> is an in-demand </span><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://www.provokingleadership.com/work-with-us/" target="_blank">leadership development coach and corporate trainer</a><span>. He has always been driven to expand the notion of leadership to include each member of the team. As a widely recognized principal consultant, Steffan’s work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient. He is the founder of </span><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://www.pyxis-cultures.com/" target="_blank">Pyxis Cultures</a><span>, a consulting and training company based in Montreal, Canada. </span><span>---- </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-03-12T18:17:00Z
E is for Effort, H is for Hope
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/E-is-for-Effort,-H-is-for-Hope/255135749108325856.html
2018-03-05T18:09:00Z
2018-03-05T18:09:00Z
<br /><strong>By: Bonnie Bonadeo</strong><br /><a href="http://www.Bonniebonadeo.com" target="_blank">www.Bonniebonadeo.com</a><br /><br /><br />Single and not sure how to meet people, most venture into the online dating world. You think about your friends that have done it and possibly met people from online dating. You then look at all the profiles in your gender to see how you compare. What is your competition and what is going to have you stand out amongst all these other beautiful women? Being blonde Brunette, athletic, in a particular industry, fun, rock-n-roll or county music? You then begin the hardest thing you have ever had to do, write a profile about yourself that sounds interesting when in truth you are sitting home on a Saturday night doing nothing. <br /><br />In the animal world, there are many courtship rituals, Penguins collects little rare rocks to present to his beloved, the bowerbird build a tower of sticks and then adds a blue object to it and the females pick the best tower and most interesting blue object. Male pufferfishes create mystery circles at the bottom of the ocean floor to attract the female and the black widows expect the males to twerk their way into their life by vigorous rump shaking. If you are out in the wild on a Saturday night, your kind may come by and introduce themselves or even buy you a drink to begin the ritual. What can you expect once you display your profile to this wild kingdom of online dating? You may believe you are heading into unknown territory, but hopeful! <br /><br />Although hopeful is only good with a little effort. There is a theory called '<em>Indirect Effort</em>'. It states that you get almost everything in your relationships with others more easily by approaching them indirectly rather than directly. Now what that meant to me is that online dating is not enough effort or action to have the results I want. Maybe you believed that you could meet the love of my life within a 20-mile radius of your home and you would live happily ever after (hopeful) or if I had to be in the world trying on dating and believing in the ritual of courtship to find the best mate, you needed to be prepared to meet someone at anytime and anywhere and to try on this Indirect Effort approach. Stepping up your game.<br /><br /><ol> </ol>1. <strong>Looking your best to go to the post office and grocery store and yes even Walmart. </strong>It's easy to say love me for who I am and not feel like you must primp and go red carpet to run errands, however, a random "<em>meet cute</em>" as the line goes in one of my favorite movies, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0457939/" target="_blank">The Holiday</a>. <br />
<ul>
<li>You may meet someone randomly. Do you act or let the moment pass you by? </li>
<br />
<li>You may run into to someone you know. The conversation could be: "<em>Hello, you look great. What are you up to now?</em>" The vulnerable and honest answer could be, "<em>I'm single and looking for love!</em>" You never know who they may know. </li>
<br />
<li>Just feel good about yourself. Your confidence will soar about being out in the world and ready to stand out. </li>
</ul>
<br />2. <strong>Heightening your awareness of expected and unexpected opportunities to connect with others<br /></strong>
<ul>
<li>Standing in lines at Starbucks or the bank.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Airports and traveling, yes dare to sit next to that attractive person and have a conversation.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>We spend most of the time at work and those connections may be our Kevin Bacon, the first degree of separation. It may be frowned upon to be dating someone you work with, but they have friends they may know. </li>
</ul>
<br />3. <strong>The art of saying to yes to invitations that would be easy to say no to<br /></strong>
<ul>
<li>Say yes to the happy hour, or the weekend festival, even if parking is a nightmare.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Do you have a dog, go to a public dog park? People love to boast about their dogs to others, which makes for easeful conversations.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Rally your coupled-up friends for support. There is no threat to them to introduce you to others.</li>
</ul>
<br />Indirect effort means doing more than sitting at home. It means trying to make a connection with another. It is making the choice to start living and believing that love just may show up when you least expect it. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Bonnie Bonadeo</strong> is a Coach, Author, Speaker, and Radio Host. A mother with a son in college Bonnie is in a beautiful and healthy relationship with herself and recently got engaged to a beautiful and loving man. They share a long-distance relationship from Phoenix to Atlanta for now! Are you ready for an amazing life? Let me help Connect You to You! You can also connect with me on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/bonniebonadeo/" target="_blank">@bonniebonadeo</a>, Facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pg/BonnieBonadeoCoach/community/" target="_blank">@bonniebonadeocoach</a>, and Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/bonniebonadeo1?lang=en" target="_blank">@bonniebonadeo1</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <a href="http://www.bonniebonadeo.com/" target="_blank">www.Bonniebonadeo.com</a> and <a href="http://www.beautyinsideandoutshow.com" target="_blank">www.beautyinsideandoutshow.com</a> <br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-03-05T18:09:00Z
When Caregiving and Marriage Collide: Overcoming Loneliness in Crowded Spaces
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Caregiving-and-Marriage-Collide:-Overcoming-Loneliness-in-Crowded-Spaces/-939706149887041210.html
2018-02-26T18:09:00Z
2018-02-26T18:09:00Z
<br /><strong>By: Lisa B Capp<br /></strong><a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com/" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a> <strong><br /></strong><br /><br />You've been successful at managing most aspects of your complicated life and are proud of the relationships you've nurtured and maintained through it all. Whether you're a baby boomer, a millennial or somewhere in between, research tells us that your odds of becoming a caregiver to a loved one through illness or age are quite high.<br /><br />Much has been written about whether taking on a caregiving role strengthens or shatters the relationship you share with your significant other. I think the unfulfilling answer is, it depends.<br /><br />My mother came to live with my husband and me after my father passed away. She had a few solid years of independence but the majority of her time with us represented a slow and deep decline into dementia.<br /><br />Initially, she told us about the giraffes and elephants she saw hanging in the trees outside her bedroom window. Those animals represented a naïve and whimsical period we all passed off as simply her creative imagination.<br /><br />Late one night, true fear manifest when we landed in the emergency room with my hysterical mother. She'd been fighting off winged monkeys clawing at her windows to take her away.<br /><br />In the wee hours of that morning, I sat in the ER with my mother and my husband. We were engulfed by the antiseptic aroma only hospitals possess and marked time through the resonance of scurried footsteps down long tiled corridors.<br /><br />There were the in's and out's of doctors and nurses, the hushed conversation of other patients with their extended families and the hum of high tech medical equipment. <br /><br />Although surrounded by so much activity, I felt utterly alone.<br /><br />Through my mother's decline, my husband remained convinced in a rational-male-engineering way that we could fix things. I knew we were powerless over my mother's illness, but not over our personal reaction to the crisis our family faced.<br /><br />Through an 18-year dementia journey with my mother, I came to appreciate certain truths about caring for a loved one. The importance of partnership in caregiving was the most profound lesson. Together my husband and I focused on strategies to reduce the impact of caregiving on our marriage.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Recognize the significance of this life change:</strong> Caregiving is never an easy job especially for someone you know and love as they decline through illness or age. Acknowledge how your lives are changing, each in their own way. Don't judge the emotions and fears each of you has about your caregiving responsibility. Instead work together to find common ground solutions even if they perpetually evolve.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Grieve the loss of your spontaneity: </strong>There's no denying your life together has changed. Your ability to meet for dinner, catch a movie without planning or just run out for something will now require more intention. Remember: wrapping yourself fully in the caregiving role and isolating from everything else is never the answer. Find resources and support to give you time away from caregiving. Make time for both of you: separately and together.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Talk about everything but ensure the conversation is two-way: </strong>Reluctance to talk about difficult, high-stress situations can apply to anyone but may be more prevalent among some men. Encourage dialogue by jotting down the raw emotions each of you feel throughout the week, then take turns sharing those feelings in the context of the situation you faced. Understanding each other's trigger points can allow you to plan caregiving escape routes.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Draw closer by acknowledging the role your significant other plays in caregiving:</strong> Ask yourself: could I do what my partner is doing if our roles were reversed? Then force yourself to answer the question truthfully.</li>
</ul>
<br />Caregiving pairs come in so many different varieties: you could find yourself caring for grandparents, parents, a spouse or partner, siblings, extended relatives or friends.<br /><br />Devising strategies for yourself and your significant relationships can help all involved to better cope with difficult caregiving responsibilities.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lisa B Capp </strong>is a blogger, an activist and a dementia caregiving survivor. She serves as a co-chair to Alzheimer's Association Leadership Board (Vermont), member of the Alzheimer's Impact Movement (AIM), and AlzAuthors. As a High Tech Change Consultant, Lisa's worked with leaders of global business, government agencies and non-profits. Her passion for building strength through transition is now focused on helping others find their power through the caregiving journey. Visit <a href="http://www.lisabcapp.com/" target="_blank">www.lisabcapp.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-02-26T18:09:00Z
How to Help Your Partner Find A Better Job
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Help-Your-Partner-Find-A-Better-Job/-947646346136931299.html
2018-02-19T18:09:00Z
2018-02-19T18:09:00Z
<br /><strong>By Allison Task<br /></strong><a href="http://allisontask.com/" target="_blank">www.allisontask.com</a> <strong><br /></strong><br /><br />There are few things more heartbreaking than someone hating their job. Work is where most people spend the majority of their waking hours. And if your partner is the breadwinners, they feel this responsibility - they <em>have</em> to work, they <em>have</em> to make money, or the whole system breaks. <br /><br />I live in the suburbs, where I see lots of dads and moms dragging themselves to the bus or train stop at 6 am, commuting with miserable looks on their faces. The twinkle long ago left their eyes, and they are hating every minute of it. <br /><br />It doesn't have to be that way. If you are watching the spring go out of your partner's step, and you've heard enough complaints about how much they hate their job, it's time to help them flip that frown around. <br /><br />Here are four tips for helping your bread-winning partner find a better-fitting job, one that relieves the pressure and helps them feel like themselves again: <br /><br /> 1.<strong> Determine what your family's financial needs are.</strong><br />In our culture, <a href="http://allisontask.com/want-a-better-career-lets-talk-money/" target="_blank">we rarely talk money</a> with our friends are family; it's a socially taboo topic. Sometimes the non-financially minded spouse doesn't even know what their family income looks like, or even what their savings account has in it. <br /><br />Let's change that, pronto. <br /><br />Figure out your monthly (and yearly) budget. How much income do you have, and how much do you spend on the regulars (food, clothing, mortgage, activities) on a monthly basis, and what are those big ticket items (vacations, new car, etc). This doesn't have to be a fancy, lengthy exercise, it can be as simple as looking at your bank balances, bills, and credit card statements.Sites like Mint.com can be useful, as can a simple Excel spreadsheet or an old-fashioned pencil and paper. <br /><br />Is the breadwinner earning $6,500 per month (after taxes) and you are spending $4,000? Or is it the other way around? <br /><br />Take a good hard look at your finances and be honest with yourself about what you need, what you want, and what you can live without. <br /><br />By the end of this exercise, determine the minimum that you need as monthly family income. <br /><br /><br />2. <strong>Rebalance work/life. </strong><br />This is a great time to question your assumptions. If your partner hates their commute, is there a way to avoid a commute in the next position? If your partner has always wanted to pursue an advanced degree, but couldn't get time off from work, is now the time? Will this put you in a better financial situation long-term? <br /><br />And here's a really crazy question: Is it time to switch roles? Could it be time for you to be the breadwinner, while your partner pursues something else for a couple years? Consider lots of options - starting with what isn't working for the breadwinner now and what you could change to make things work better for them. <br /><br />And when you start <a href="http://allisontask.com/cants-and-shoulds/" target="_blank">questioning your assumptions</a> about little things, like a commute or hours, pretty soon you'll find that nothing is set in stone. Are you in a city or town that makes sense for your family? Are the taxes ridiculously high? Would you prefer to move to a different place for a better quality of life?<br /><br />Once you look at what's working and what's not working, it may become clear that a significant geographic shift will help you live the lives you both want. <br /><br /><br />3. <strong>Assess the industry and their skills.</strong><br />How healthy is their industry? Some industries are on the decline, while others are strong. Help your spouse take a good honest look at their industry; if they've moved through a couple jobs recently, and companies are constantly downsizing, perhaps it's not them, it's the industry. <br /><br />This can be an opportunity to review the skills that your partner has and determine which skills would be transferable to another industry. I work with a lot of journalists, individuals that are highly skilled and poorly remunerated. Plus, their industry is in decline. But the skills my clients have- writing, research, and analysis, are in demand on the corporate side, whether it's in R&D or corporate communications. Though their industry is in decline, their skills are sought-after. <br /><br /><br />4.<strong> Get support.</strong> <br />You're both in a stressful situation now. Working a job that doesn't fit is stressful but there's often even more stress in changing that job. <br /><br />Your partner needs support to make this change. Whether it's having extra time to network with colleagues, or getting together with friends to keep morale high, it's important. <br /><br />There are lots of people who can support your partner through a career change, whether it's a resume writer or a career coach or a therapist. This is the right time to invest in outside support who can help your partner move from insight to action. <br /><br />While your partner looks for a new job, you are the caretaker, supporting them. Who is supporting you? Do you have a best friend, parent, or even therapist you can go to? You may feel anxious, but need to keep those feelings at bay so your partner can stay focused. Who can you go to for support? <br /><br /><br />Make sure you both shore up your teams - this is a group effort. With <a href="http://allisontask.com/change-the-way-you-work/" target="_blank">the right questions asked</a>, and the right team of support, a healthy, positive job change is within your grasp.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Allison Task</strong> is a career and life coach who helps clients move from insight to action. She has been coaching for more than 10 years and sees local clients in her Montclair, NJ office and global clients virtually. She is a speaker, best-selling author, and on-camera host. <a href="http://allisontask.com/contact/" target="_blank">Contact Allison</a> for a conversation to establish your goals, or follow her on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/allisontask/" target="_blank">Facebook</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/allisontask" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. <a href="http://allisontask.com/" target="_blank">www.allisontask.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-02-19T18:09:00Z
Receiving Love: Four Ways to Be in Receiving Mode
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Receiving-Love:-Four-Ways-to-Be-in-Receiving-Mode/-697730071561466264.html
2018-02-11T21:12:00Z
2018-02-11T21:12:00Z
<br /><strong>By Dawnie Dahir<br /></strong><a href="http://www.dawniedahir.com/" target="_blank">www.dawniedahir.com</a><strong><br /></strong><br /><br />Why can't I find someone who loves and wants to marry me? There are millions of people asking themselves questions like this every day. According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics in 2014 50.2 percent of the population 16 years old and older were single. <br /><br />This isn't a problem if being single is what you desire. But a large number of people really want someone to love and marry, someone who likes what they like, someone who is there to listen, someone to laugh, cry and grow old with. These people might want to change their question to: What can I do to get into the receiving mode of what I want? There are steps that you can take to help improve your chances of finding a wonderful mate. <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Be happy! </strong><br />No one can make you happy except you; happiness is truly an inside job. Stop expecting other people to do what you want in the one way that will make you happy. Step off the complaining treadmill and be more appreciative of what is going well in your life. By being committed to figuring out what makes you happy, you will naturally be in the receiving mode. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Accept yourself just the way you are!</strong> <br />You are a unique individual with many gifts and talents. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on what you do well, not what you can't do. When you accept yourself as you are, you stop worrying about what other people think and start living your life in a more authentic way putting you into the receiving mode. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Love yourself! </strong><br />When you can make yourself happy and accept yourself just the way you are, the next organic step is loving yourself, feeling good in your own skin. This is a way of life where you appreciate yourself, where you see the glass as full. Some people might be offended that you no longer want to be a part of their drama. So what, let them! You will be in the receiving mode of getting what you want by loving yourself.</li>
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<li><strong>Make new friends!</strong><br />Whenever you start changing what can happen is that you no longer enjoy hanging out with your regular crowd or vise versa. Accept that your values have changed, let some people naturally drift out of your life and watch new acquaintances become new friends as you are living in the receiving mode. </li>
</ol><br />As you are changing on the inside, the outside will also begin to change. You will be in the receiving mode of whatever it is you want. Opportunities will seem to show up out of nowhere and what you are interested in can turn into passions that you didn't know existed inside of you. Allow the changes to naturally unfold as you become the person you were always meant to be. Now that you are happy, accepting yourself, loving yourself and making new friends, you will romantically be attracting people who you might want to marry and have a future with. Getting into the receiving mode takes time, it takes energy and it takes focus. But, if you are committed to finding the person of your dreams, you will take the time, energy and focus to get into the receiving mode. It is a delicious way to live!<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dawnie Dahir</strong> is a speaker, author of two books, <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Let-Me-Give-You-Whisper/dp/1504369742" target="_blank">Let Me Give You A Whisper</a></em> and <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Whispers-Change-Transforming-into-Real/dp/1975735366/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518563212&sr=1-3&keywords=Whispers+of+Change" target="_blank">Whispers of Change</a> </em>and a Holistic Coach with a BBA from The University of Texas. For many years Dawnie has been passionate about self-transformation. She seeks to inspire others to embrace change as they become who they are truly meant to be. Her desire is to equip you with the knowledge that can help you live your life with more love, more peace, and more fun. Dawnie and her husband, Ed, have been married for 36 years and have three wonderful daughters and sons-in-laws, 5 delightful grandchildren and 4 granddogs. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-02-11T21:12:00Z
Venting to Others: Six Reasons This is the Kiss of Death for Your Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Venting-to-Others:-Six-Reasons-This-is-the-Kiss-of-Death-for-Your-Relationship/-939843566839859410.html
2018-02-05T19:48:00Z
2018-02-05T19:48:00Z
<br /><strong>By Sharon Pope</strong><br /><a href="http://www.SharonPopeTruth.com" target="_blank">www.SharonPopeTruth.com</a><br /><br /><br />We've all been guilty of this from time to time: venting to others about what's not working in our relationship. We'll complain to our friends and family endlessly. We'll talk to our therapist for years, re-living the same troubles over and over and over again. Sometimes, we'll even confide in someone else we're drawn to - someone who we think understands us and our perspective - and it unintentionally becomes something that looks and feels like an emotional affair.<br /><br />But if we want our relationships to weather whatever storm it has come upon, venting to others can bring a title wave of troubles. Here's why:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>You're Talking to the Wrong Person. </strong>If your relationship is struggling and there's something that needs to be said, then the person you should be talking to is your partner. Things don't magically get better when we ignore the issues and don't communicate with one another; it's been my experience and that of my clients, that when gone unchecked, the problems we ignore actually become deeper and the distance between the partners grows wider.</li>
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<li><strong>They Can Only Tell You Their Story. </strong><br />Other people can only tell you what they would do if they were in your position. They can only see and understand your situation through their own lens of their own life experiences. None of which, however, is relevant to your situation, to what you feel, or to you and your partners' life experiences. And this is yours to do.</li>
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<li><strong>Your Family & Friends are there to Love You, Not Challenge You.</strong> <br />And because they love you, they will support you, they will empathize with you, but they won't necessarily challenge you. They're more likely to say, "<em>Oh my goodness, that's horrible</em>," and "<em>You don't deserve that</em>," than they are to say, "<em>Have you considered looking at it through this perspective...</em>" And although that love and support makes you feel heard and validated, it does nothing to challenge you and help you grow in order to improve the relationship.</li>
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<li><strong>The Blind Leading the Blind.</strong> <br />All of us went to school for decades to learn how to read, write and acquire a skill that makes us productive members of society. But in all those years, there was no class on how to create and sustain healthy, loving relationships. You weren't taught how to do this and neither was the person you're venting to and looking to for guidance. If you truly want help, seek out a professional coach or therapist specializing in love and relationships that is equipped to help you.</li>
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<li><strong>All that Talking Will Keep You Stuck.</strong> <br />The problem with telling and re-telling the story of what's not working, again and again, is that it can keep you stuck in that same story for months or years. And when you're stuck in the same rut, telling the same story, there's no space for anything new to be created. And since there's so much to vent about within this relationship, clearly it's time for a new story to be created and new tools to be employed.</li>
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<li><strong>They Don't Belong There. </strong><br />The relationship you have with your partner is arguably the most important, most intimate relationship you have. The space that exists between the two of you is special; it's private. It's the place where you feel safe enough to share the most intimate details of your life: your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities. When you share the details of your relationship with someone outside of the relationship, you're bringing someone else in where they don't belong. That's awkward for them and potentially destructive for you.</li>
</ol>I often tell my clients to be intentional about who you share the troubles of your relationships with because in doing so, you're essentially rolling out the red carpet for them to have an opinion and in many ways, you're inviting them into your relationship. I know it feels natural to want to talk to someone that will understand and support you when you're in the eye of the storm, but if we spent half as much time and energy communicating, we likely wouldn't have nearly as much to vent about.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Sharon Pope</strong> is a certified Master Life Coach and a Six-Time #1 International Best-Selling author, specializing in love and relationships. Click <a href="https://www.sharonpopetruth.com/marriage-isnt-enough/" target="_blank">here</a> to get a copy of her best-selling book, Why Isn't This Marriage Enough? Get answers and soulful guidance that will lead you to clarity about your marriage and know if it can feel good once again. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-02-05T19:48:00Z
Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Return!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your-Ex-Boyfriend-Will-Return!/157191573120154360.html
2018-01-14T19:48:00Z
2018-01-14T19:48:00Z
<strong><br />By Gregg Michaelsen</strong><br /><a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/" target="_blank">WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com</a><br /><br /><br />You have heard me say over and over that your ex is coming back. <br /><br />It won't be when you expect him to come back or when you want him to come back but, odds are, he is coming back. He may call you or ask to meet for coffee, but he will soon re-access the situation and wonder if he made the wrong decision in leaving.<br /><br />Heck, it could be tomorrow or 2 years from now, maybe even after a divorce from another woman, but he is going to have a weak moment and want to talk to you about the possibilities that lie ahead. Why? Because he had great memories with you and they are haunting him.<br /><br /><em>Take solace in this fact. </em><br /><br /><br /><strong>The Mistakes Women Make <br /><br /></strong>I get it. When the breakup first happens, you're devastated. All you want is a glass of wine, a hot bath and a tub of Ben and Jerry's. I know and that's fine for a <em>very</em> short time but, if you want him to come back, you need to wash out the wine glass and put down the spoon! You've got work to do!<br /><br />This is the mistake many women make. They don't do the work to make the necessary changes while they're single. Chances are he left because:<br />
<ul>
<li>You lacked confidence</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You acted jealously</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You relied on him for money</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You made him your hobby</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You weren't <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/take-control-relationship-understanding-men-part-8-men-love-challenge/" target="_blank">challenging him</a></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You stopped being mysterious</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Or a myriad of other things I discuss in my books</li>
</ul>
<br />Why should anything be different between you when he comes back if you're both still the same?Let's fast forward to the moment where he has his weak moment and contacts you. The two of you get back together and things may be great for a week or two, maybe even three, but eventually, he will be reminded of those items on the list above and he's gone again, this time probably for good.<br /><br />Your moment of reconciliation is lost. Are you getting this?<br /><br />If one of you doesn't change, why would you expect the relationship to?<br /><br />It won't. And you will be back to the wine and ice cream, emailing me to ask what went wrong.<br /><br />I get it. You are heartbroken and making yourself a better person is the last thing you can do when you are down and out. Hey, I also realize that the break may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his inability to love. But you can't see this in your current state. <br /><br />If you know he is going to come back, and my research says he will, this your motivation to stop crying and <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/mirror-mirror-wall/" target="_blank">start to make positive changes</a>! If you do, your mind is clear to reflect on what went wrong and if he is even worthy of a second chance to begin with. <br /><br />Now you have created a win/win scenario. He has his weak moment and sees the new and improved you and his jaw drops! The things that drove him crazy are gone. All of a sudden, his DNA kicks in and he goes into chase mode like the old days. <strong>Game on!</strong><br /><br />You? You are looking at him through a new lens. Suddenly, your ex doesn't seem so spectacular anymore and you take him off that undeserving pedestal you had him on for so long. You are thinking with your<strong> head </strong>this time and not your <strong>heart</strong> like you did in the old days when you had no confidence. <br /><br />Will your ex make the cut? He may or he may not. The more important thing is that <em>you hold the cards now</em> and he doesn't! You decide if you will allow him back and if you do, he darn well better make changes himself or <strong>you</strong> will dump him! He knows that if he doesn't change, other men will be knocking at your door - men who do meet your demands!<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Gregg Michaelsen</strong> is an author and dating/life coach who has sold over 250,000 books with multiple <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gregg-Michaelsen/e/B00B8SWW86" target="_blank">#1 best-sellers</a>. Being both a dating and life coach gives him an incredible advantage with the people he touches. He helps women gain confidence and understand men and encourages his readers to contact him for free in his books. Gregg's motto is <em>Build Yourself and He Will Come</em>. Visit Gregg at <a href="https://www.whoholdsthecardsnow.com/" target="_blank">WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com</a> and join thousands of believers! Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2018-01-14T19:48:00Z
13 Years, Five Children and One Happy Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/13-Years,-Five-Children-and-One-Happy-Marriage/195961695024549062.html
2017-11-21T16:55:00Z
2017-11-21T16:55:00Z
<strong><br />By Cathy Holman</strong><br /><a href="http://prairiewifeinheels.com" target="_blank">prairiewifeinheels.com</a><br /><br /><br />My husband and I just celebrated our 13-year wedding anniversary. <br /><br /><a href="http://prairiewifeinheels.com/origins-prairie-wife-part-3/" target="_blank">We met when I was 19</a> and were married three years later.<br /><br />We have 5 children and still thoroughly enjoy each other's company (most days), so I feel fairly confident that I have some good advice to offer.<br /><br />But, as I sat here analyzing the last 13 years and trying to figure out how we've made it this far, it really came down to one thing.<br /><br />Once you're married it's time for 'US vs. Them' mentality.<br /><br />The US is always you and your partner but the "them" changes moment by moment.<br /><br />The key is to always think of you and your partner as 'US'.<br /><br />Does this mean you always put them first?<br /><br />Nope not at all!<br /><br />Let me give some examples.<br /><br />Inevitably all couples hear the question "<em>When are you going to have children?</em>" or "<em>Are you having more children?</em>"<br /><br />If you think only about what's good for US and ignore what you hear from "<em>them</em>" I promise you will make the best choice for your marriage.<br /><br />When (or if) you have children you will be flooded with well-meaning words of wisdom. Only take to heart what works for US, and ignore what worked for "them". You'll be able to navigate the ups and downs of parenthood in the way that works best for your family.<br /><br />The first time your child is hanging on your leg begging you to stay home from date night, simply breathe and know that going out alone is what is best for US and that "them" will be just fine.<br /><br />A family function is coming up and it's been months since you took the time to see "them". You're exhausted at the thought of packing, driving for hours and all the other work that comes with a road trip. But, your partner is really looking forward to the event and you know it means a lot to them. Time to think about US. While it seems like saying yes to this trip is a yes to "them" it's really a yes to US. You are sending the message "What is important to you, is important to me."<br /><br /><a href="http://prairiewifeinheels.com/mama-mantra-dont-negotiate-terrorists/" target="_blank">The kids are whining and fussing and fighting over everything and both of you are at the end of your ropes</a>. It's time for an US vs. them meeting. Separate from the noise and form a plan of attack and stick with it...cheering each other on when you see positive results. Soon you'll see that when you work together, the rest of the family will eventually follow along.<br /><br />You're tired and exhausted and your partner needs some attention. Pause and think about US...and this is where you need to be honest. <br /><br />Will you be resentful and bitter for days if you give more to "them" than you currently have to give? Will your US be more damaged in the long run by putting them first? Sometime the answer to that is YES. <br /><br />Or, will things be better if you take some time to drop everything and focus on US. Will a few minutes of your time allow you to reconnect and move forward with a stronger and happier marriage?<br /><br />Sometimes it's better for US for me to go away by myself. A few hours away from my husband, the kids, and never-ending to-do lists is necessary for a healthy marriage. Putting "them" aside and doing something that feeds my soul results in a renewed ability to devote energy to US.<br /><br />The same goes for my husband, and while it's not always easy to send him off with a smile, I remember he's not doing it for him, he's doing it for US.<br /><br />When you begin asking yourself "<em>Is this good for US or them?</em>" you learn to say no to things that can damage your marriage. Have a conversation with your partner, and try an US vs. the mentality for a month. I have a feeling it will help you to find the balance that you and your partner need to make it through the ups and downs!<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Cathy Holman</strong> is a 30 something mother of 5. Originally born in Milwaukee, this city girl went country all for the love of a Cowboy. Read more about her Wyoming life and find supportive, honest and humorous posts about living a life of grit and grace at her blog <a href="http://prairiewifeinheels.com" target="_blank">PrairieWifeInHeels.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-11-21T16:55:00Z
How to Motivate Your Husband with Home-Cooked Takeout-Style Food
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Motivate-Your-Husband-with-Home-Cooked-Takeout-Style-Food/-578655651144276085.html
2017-11-03T18:55:00Z
2017-11-03T18:55:00Z
<strong><br />By Maggie Zhu</strong><br /><a href="http://omnivorescookbook.com/" target="_blank">omnivorescookbook.com</a><br /><br /><br />Sometimes, husbands need a little motivation. Back when you were dating, he’d move the mountains and the sea for you. Now, he’s sitting on the sofa in his underwear not batting an eye when you ask for help taking out the trash. <br /><br />But that’s ok. You can totally whip him back into shape to act the way he did during those days when he was courting you. It doesn’t matter where your husband is from. Every man thinks with a certain part of his body.<br /><br />Oh no! Not there! We’re talking about the stomach here. You can motivate even the most lethargic of husbands by speaking to his stomach. Not with gurgling sounds, but with delicious food, the kind you’d get when you order takeout.<br /><br />Of course, not everyone can afford to order takeout every night of the week. The good news is you don’t need to. You can make it yourself right in your own kitchen!<br /><br />So how do I do that, you might be asking yourself? Simple! Follow these tips for motivating your husband with home-cooked takeout-style food!<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Determine his favorite foods </strong><br />Sure, you might know he likes pizza, but does he like other Italian dishes? What about Chinese, Thai, or even Indian cuisine? If he likes all of these things, then it can be as simple as rotating them into your weekly meal plan to spice things up.</li>
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<li><strong>And speaking of spicing things up</strong> <br />Unless he has a complete aversion to spicy foods or they make him ill, don’t be afraid to add a little heat to what you’re making. It doesn’t need to light his mouth on fire, but putting a little more spice into things will definitely get his attention, in a good way.</li>
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<li><strong>Focus on dishes he</strong> <br />likes If you know what dishes your husband likes to order when you get takeout, try to focus on those first before branching out into new territory. For example, if he’s always ordering sweet and sour pork at the Chinese restaurant you guys love to order from, learn how to make that. Not only will he gobble it up but he will be absolutely impressed that you can make it yourself.</li>
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<li><strong>Try new things based on flavors he gravitates toward</strong> <br />Once you master a dish or two from your favorite takeout place, try making new dishes he hasn’t tried by focusing on flavors he usually picks. Look at his habits with Chinese food. Does he always order sweet and sour pork? If so, trying out orange chicken won’t be such a far stretch that you risk him disliking it. However, if he likes to try lots of different things, you can really have fun experimenting with the spices and sauces.</li>
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<li><strong>Make ribs</strong> <br />Unless he’s vegetarian or vegan, there isn’t a man alive who won’t look at his wife with absolute adoration and agree to anything she asks him to do if she makes him ribs. You can make them in your slow cooker for absolutely perfect fall-off-the-bone meat that just about melts in your mouth. Plus, you can use your newfound cooking skills to add unique twists to them. Ribs are always great with barbecue sauce, but if you really want to grab his attention, make him ribs with an ethnic twist. You can try using garam masala to give them an Indian-flair, or add Chinese seasonings to make them taste just like those pork ribs they serve for appetizers in every Chinese restaurant across America.</li>
</ol><br />Now you will have his undivided attention. As he’s savoring every bite of the new dishes you’re preparing, his eyes rolling back in heavenly bliss, ask him to help you wash the dishes, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, wash the car, or anything else you need him to do. He won’t say no. How could he? He doesn’t want you to ever stop cooking like this. Remember, this is your leverage now. Use it wisely to motivate your husband to do everything you wish!<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>Maggie Zhu</strong></em> is the author of <em><a href="https://omnivorescookbook.com/The-Chinese-Stir-Fry-Sauce-Cookbook" target="_blank">The Chinese Stir Fry Sauce Cookbook</a> </em>and the owner of <em><a href="https://omnivorescookbook.com/" target="_blank">Omnivore’s Cookbook</a></em> since 2013. Her passion is sharing modern Chinese recipes that teach you how to cook better food with a less labor-intensive approach. Her website was featured by Yahoo News as one of the seven food blogs you should be following for Asian cuisine. She is originally from Beijing, and now cooks from her Austin, Texas kitchen. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-11-03T18:55:00Z
Are the Empty Nest Blues Placing Our Marriages at Risk?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-the-Empty-Nest-Blues-Placing-Our-Marriages-at-Risk/-168981818992903401.html
2017-10-12T18:55:00Z
2017-10-12T18:55:00Z
<strong><br />By Sharon Pope</strong><br /><a href="http://www.SharonPopeTruth.com" target="_blank">www.SharonPopeTruth.com</a><br /><br /><br />There's a growing epidemic spreading its way across the nation with a bullseye aimed directly on couples whose kids have flown the coop.<br /><br />No, it's not health issues, retirement money worries, or employment challenges. It's divorce.<br /><br />The National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University reports that divorce rates for couples over 50 years old have more than doubled in recent years.<br /><br />More than doubled.<br /><br />When the pressures of raising a family wane, why do our marriages implode?<br /><br />After years of marriage, do we just lose interest in our partners? Do we "<em>fall out of love</em>"? Did we focus more on being parents rather than lovers? Did we drift apart and now don't know how to find our way back one another? <br /><br />In my practice as a love and relationship coach, I've found the smoking gun.<br /><br />As women, the day we give birth we learn directly or indirectly that our needs, dreams and desires for ourselves and our own lives need to go onto the back-burner. <br /><br />We place our lives on hold and pour all of our time, love and energy into our kids. We sweat, sacrifice, lose sleep and drain our bank accounts so they can thrive. After all, that's a parent's job. <br /><br />And that job is a wonderful one that, even through its ups and downs, brings incredible joy. <br />The problem that parenthood brings to a marriage often only surfaces after the kids are grown and long gone. <br /><br />All that giving to our children and submerging ourselves in their well-being leaves little room to invest in our own well-being, and even less in that of our marriage. We place our focus on our children and place ourselves and our marriages on auto-pilot. <br /><br />Like anything that gets ignored - our marriages deteriorate over time. We wake-up one day as empty-nesters, when our children have left the home, off happily building lives of their own lives and wonder who this partner is staring at us from across the table. We don't feel like we know who he is and we're almost certain he doesn't know us; the person - the woman - the wife - that we are today, so many years later. <br /><br />Hell, we may not even know who we are any longer.<br /><br />Now, facing a life without the daily whirlwind and worries of children, we get the sense that we want to reconnect with our spouses, but we don't even know how or where to begin. It feels awkward and even a little scary.<br /><br />So, what's the answer? <br /><br />The time to prepare for the empty-nest blues and strengthen your marriage isn't after the kids leave; It's well before they step foot out the door. And what you need more than anything is clarity:<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Clarity about who you are now and how you want to feel. </strong> This is the time for you to begin acknowledging your own needs and dreams and desires and understanding who you are today, so many years after walking down the aisle. This is the time for you to understand how you want to feel in your life and begin to cultivate that in how you spend your time. Do you want this next phase to feel safe, secure and peaceful, or would you rather feel excited, spontaneous and adventurous? </li>
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<li><strong>Clarity about who your spouse is now.</strong> Become curious about your partner again. Just as you have changed over the years, so too has he or she. Learn what they are looking most forward to in the second half of their lives. Ask about their dreams, their fears, the needs they've also subjugated over the years that they want to revisit. Connect, be vulnerable, share your heart and listen deeply.</li>
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<li><strong>Clarity about what you want your relationship to look like together in this second half of your life.</strong> There is no going back to the relationship the two of you had before kids, that was far too long ago and you're no longer the same individuals. Now, it's time to get clear about the type of relationship you will want to create moving forward. Maybe you will want the same things from your most intimate relationship in this next phase of your life; maybe you won't. But a healthy, loving, lasting relationship needs to make space for both of your needs and desires.</li>
</ol><br />The empty-nest blues don't have to wreak havoc on your life and put your marriage in the danger zone. There is a way to take your marriage off of auto-pilot before the kids are gone and open up space to reconnect with both yourself and your spouse so that this next phase of your life feels connected, loving and lasting.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Sharon Pope</strong> is a certified Master Life Coach and a Six-Time #1 International Best-Selling author, specializing in love and relationships. <a href="http://www.sharonpopetruth.com/should-i-stay-or-go-ebook/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get the clarity you need to know if you should stay or go in your marriage so you can either make the marriage feel good again or lovingly release it. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sharonpopetruth.com" target="_blank">www.sharonpopetruth.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-10-12T18:55:00Z
How Conflict Helps You Reach Real-Life Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Conflict-Helps-You-Reach-Real-Life-Love/-265308172094244560.html
2017-09-22T18:30:00Z
2017-09-22T18:30:00Z
<strong><br />By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil</strong><br /><a href="http://doctorbonnie.com/" target="_blank">www.doctorbonnie.com</a><br /><br /><br />The unfortunate truth about marriage is that it's not easy. It requires extreme effort. Why? Because conflict is inevitable after the "<em>honeymoan</em>" and falling in love stage dissipates. Our unrealistic expectations in marriage come from when we fell in love--when euphoric brain chemicals kept us up all night and "<em>high</em>" with a drug induced state. This preferred state sets us up for the letdown when these hormones die down and stress, life, and relationship differences get in the way and cause conflict. Conflict is actually an enhancement--it challenges us, helps us grow, and promotes a great sex life. If you are incompatible it means you are compatible, and picking a person who gives you the most trouble means you are on the right track. <br /><br />Conflict is our friend, not our enemy, as it brings us closer to our partner. The challenge is in building the bridge from conflict to passion--the glue that keeps us trucking. If we saw conflict and effort as the door opening up passion and harmony we would embrace and welcome it as a true test of love. We would not fear it, or run from it, or divorce because of it. We would make up, not break up. If not, we would be doomed to repeat the same pattern in the next relationship once the honeymoon period was over. <br /><br />Here are some simple tips on how to reignite the romance magic in your relationship, and help you have an affair with your own partner instead: <br /><br /><strong>Put each other first.</strong> Before work. Before children. <br /><br /><strong>Connect with a 30-second kiss daily.</strong> This ignites the cuddle hormone-providing your brain with oxytocin-that bonds you to your partner and makes you feel attached and safe. A 20-second hug gives you a dopamine rush that helps you feel in love with your partner and alive.<br /><br /><strong>Bring on novelty</strong> and excitement. Get out of your rut or comfort-zone by changing up your routines for some added stimulation and surprise. <br /><br /><strong>No electronic communication</strong> during the workday. This includes emails, texts, and phone calls. Keeping electronic communication to emergencies only helps create mystery and yearning for when you reunite at night. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking about your partner. <br /><br /><strong>Think about your partner 3 times </strong>during your workday. And keep the thoughts positive only!<br /><br /><strong>Set up 10 minutes of face-to-face </strong>time at night to connect and check in. This is a time to reconnect and talk about your days, dreams, or interests. No discussion of problems, scheduling or your children. <br /><br /><strong>Give your partner space.</strong> Even if only an hour a day or week. Lack of space and time apart is one of the biggest frustrations in marriages. People start giving up hobbies and interests when they don't allow their partner the space to enjoy the things they did before the "<em>I</em>" became a "<em>We</em>." When you allow for time apart, there is less of a chance of boredom, and it enhances your time together because there is more to share.<br /><br /><strong>Do a "<em>brush with death</em>."</strong> If you've been practicing the tips above and you feel like you need to take it to the next level, take some time apart to enhance appreciation and passion for each other. <br /><br />Why does everyone leave when the going gets rough? It is supposed to be hard-staying in love. It's the hard work that later provides the benefits as you grow together, and turns you into the individual and much-improved partner that you become. <br /><br />It can be easy to navigate conflict if you don't run from it and learn the skills that help you promote empathy and safety. Conflict bonds you when you learn how to traverse it together as a team. Robert Browning said, "grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." The reward is in the struggle that gives us real-life love if we hang in long enough and not leave when the going gets tough. Why not makeup not break up? <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil </strong>is a renowned relationship therapist with more than 35 years experience, a global phone-based practice, and a private practice in New York City with a 98 percent success rate!. She’s authored best sellers, "Make Up, Don’t Break Up," a book turned movie, “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin,”, and “Financial Infidelity.” She has appeared on The Oprah Show and was chosen as one of Oprah's top favorite shows in 25 years. Get instant access to her free videos at <a href="http://www.doctorbonnie.com/freevideos" target="_blank">www.DoctorBonnie.com/freevideos</a>. Get tips and resources for singles and couples to Make Up, Don’t Break up at <a href="http://doctorbonnie.com/" target="_blank">www.DoctorBonnie.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-09-22T18:30:00Z
How To Save Your Marriage Alone, Even After He Has Checked Out
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Save-Your-Marriage-Alone,-Even-After-He-Has-Checked-Out/825253561196957868.html
2017-09-15T18:30:00Z
2017-09-15T18:30:00Z
<strong><br />By Katarina Phang</strong><br /><a href="https://katarinaphang.com/" target="_blank">www.katarinaphang.com </a><br /><br /><br />Some marriages are worth salvaging, even when they look so hopeless. And I'm a believer that it <a href="https://katarinaphang.com/how-to-save-your-marriage-alone/" target="_blank">takes one person to save a relationship</a> and I have proven it with my track record of helping thousands of women mend their broken relationships/marriages by simply transforming themselves and shifting their energies in the process.<br /><br />When one person changes in the relationship, the other has to change as well to adjust to the new position. When a partner isn't being resisted, whatever poses as stumbling block will eventually dissolve.<br /><br />Even when the divorce happens after all, the transformation that happens won't be for nothing.<br /><br />Why does relationship become hard over time? It's because of accumulation and resistance. <br /><br />What is accumulation? Accumulation of the piling of experiences that typically involve unresolved issues and hurt feelings. <br /><br />How does accumulation happen? It happens because most people don't die to the past. They either live in the past of the future, both of which don't exist, thus are illusions.<br /><br />Why don't people die to the past? Because the ego lives in psychological time: which involves the past or the future. The movement in the mind space is resistance of the present moment. The mind isn't really needed in the now so dropping the mind is really about to dwell and surrender in the glorious moment.<br /><br />What is resistance? Resistance happens when there is a gap between "<em>what is</em>" and "<em>what should be</em>." "<em>What should be</em>" is the play of the mind, it's the resistance of the now. It's what expectations are. And expectations are the mother of all heartaches.<br />The heartaches bring to accumulation because the ego will resist the now and dying to the past.<br /><br />So between those two things: accumulation and resistance, marital issues are created and exacerbated over time.Remember this: <a href="https://katarinaphang.com/how-to-just-be-and-why-its-the-answer-to-your-life-and-relationship-issues/" target="_blank">what you resist persists, what you embrace dissolves</a>.<br /><br />So when your husband has checked out from the marriage, shift your energy by stop doing those two things. It's hard but it's doable as many of my clients have proven.<br /><br />To tame the ego and its penchant to accumulate and resist is to understand and see <a href="https://katarinaphang.com/how-mind-perception-shapes-reality/" target="_blank">how the mind works</a>. My teachings center around this very fundamental transformational power.<br /><br />Only when the nature of the mind/ego is seen, the mind will no longer be front and center. You will no longer identify with and be lost in the identification with thoughts. Your thoughts will no longer rule you as they do now. All the problems you have in your marriage are created when you believe whatever your thoughts say.<br /><br />And your thoughts are rarely empowering and uplifting. They usually center around lack and negative I-thoughts. Your thoughts will drive you into responding to situations with anger, pushiness, blaming, shaming and resentment.<br /><br />To understand the mind is first to bring awareness into your daily life, into every activity you're engaged in, including thinking. Try to catch yourself when you're thinking and learn to let the thought go.<br /><br />It will be so hard at first because we are conditioned to think incessantly so the notion that you aren't your thoughts is so totally mind-boggling because now the mind needs to see itself and it's something it has never done before. <br /><br />But when you are forced to look what this mind is, you will notice that the mind will become silent before, of course, it starts jumping into the next thought and the next preoccupation. <br /><br />In this silence of the mind, insights pop up out of nowhere. The more you cultivate this silence, the more grounded you become and if you consistently do this, your energy will eventually shift.<br /><br />Your husband will notice the shift in your energy and he will respond accordingly.<br /><br />Rebuilding your relationship -and love life- is about shifting your energy: from lack and desperation to excitement about possibilities and the faith in abundance of life; from anger and resentment to love, gratitude and compassion; from fear to hope and self-confidence; from misery to joyfulness; and last but not least: from the need to control and hold on to things/ideas/person so tightly to letting go.<br /><br /><br /><br />Katarina is a dating/relationship coach and Feminine Magnetism expert par extraordinaire who has worked and helped thousands of women from all corners of the world transform their relationships using her very profound, unique and counter-intuitive teachings of inner work/personal transformation. Whatever your situation is her <a href="http://coaching.katarinaphang.com/feminine-magnetism-group-coaching/" target="_blank">Feminine Magnetism Method</a> will help you turn it around. Her record is one engagement/week, thousands of blooming new relationships, established relationships improved, marriages saved and thousands of exes back or mere happy fulfilled single lives for those who are still in the journey. She changes lives every single day and revolutionizes the world by providing infinite possibilities to human growth and bringing insights into the evolution of human consciousness, one woman at a time. She is indeed the last resort when everything else has failed. Add her on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/katarina.phang" target="_blank">Facebook</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/KatarinaPhang" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-09-15T18:30:00Z
Five Ways to Tell if Your Mate is Emotionally Unavailable and What to do About it
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ways-to-Tell-if-Your-Mate-is-Emotionally-Unavailable-and-What-to-do-About-it/-687336485105858730.html
2017-08-31T18:33:00Z
2017-08-31T18:33:00Z
<strong><br />by <strong>Craig Miller</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.insightsfromtheheart.com" target="_blank">insightsfromtheheart.com</a><br /><br /><br />A widespread problem that is difficult to understand is when one mate has difficulty showing emotions and affection, which then leaves the other family members to exist in a world of loneliness, disappointment, and disrespect. Living with someone that is emotionally unavailable is a very common, yet subtle, form of disrespect. This disrespect is often misunderstood and is a destructive problem of major proportions that can be hard for couples to identify or resolve. However, many emotional mates struggle in these relationships blaming themselves when they are not able to fix the relationship. Without knowing the truth, the lack of emotion can destroy the ability to have a heartfelt love connection and creates bitterness as the emotional mate can lose their own heart, mind, identity, and soul in the process of trying to make it work. <br /><br />Identifying the following characteristics will make you aware of what type of person you are living with and decrease the chances of losing your own identity control within the relationship. <br /><br /><ol>
<li><em><strong>Relates </strong><strong>to</strong><strong> facts and logic, and tunes out when emotions are in a conversation or being expressed:</strong></em> Discussions will focus on facts and rules rather than being able to have a sensitive conversation to understand how the person feels or how they are dealing with the issues. The unemotional person can tune everybody and everything out, which can be very aggravating to those that want to relate. The good news is that tuning people out is typically a choice and the emotional mate should tell the unemotional mate how it makes them feel when they are tuned out. Too much information can be overwhelming and conversations need to slow down to discuss one issue at a time.</li>
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<li><strong><em>Rarely shows emotion or initiates physical signs of tenderness: </em></strong>The unemotional person rarely shows compassion, tenderness, and empathy since they do not have the capacity to use feelings to connect with their own heart. Typically these individuals grew up in a home without physical signs of love and feelings were not expressed. As a result, they are unable to understand the significance of giving or receiving love. The good news is anyone can learn how to express feelings. Healing is more about changing the heart through inner healing of the childhood trauma than a mental exercise. </li>
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<li><strong><em>Unable to emotionally validate others in a conversation and disregards or disrespects the expression of feelings from others:</em></strong> When you don't use emotions, you do not understand the need for emotions in others and often become insensitive about emotions out of a lack of tolerance. Unemotional people are often insecure and become defensive when others are emotional because they are afraid of doing something wrong. Typically these people grew up in home with strict, unloving, critical, emotionless and/or abusive caregivers. The good news is the unemotional person has the capability to change when the emotional mate becomes firm enough to expect it. Counseling from an experienced counselor is also recommended.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Demonstrates love by performing tasks or giving material things, rather than emotion:</strong></em> The unemotional mate relates out of their head rather than their heart. As a result, gifts, events, or plans are out of duty and responsibility rather than out of a heartfelt sentiment. This can be very disheartening and frustrating to the emotional mate, especially when the unemotional mate must be reminded. The good news is, the emotional mate needs to first appreciate the little they are getting and learn to ask for a hug or create an intimate time. In addition, seek counseling to learn how to change together rather than trying to just change your mate.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Either has a strong need for sex or no need for sex with little capacity to nurture or initiate intimacy in a close relationship:</strong></em> The unemotional person is clueless to understanding the meaning of becoming sexually close or intimate with his mate. If the unemotional person is a man, he needs to be trained in the art of pleasuring their mate, since it does not come naturally to him. He's wired to solve problems, conquer, and believes sex will solve it all. A woman needs to feel loved, adored, and significant before she wants sex. When either person feels their needs are not being met dissatisfaction, distance, and resentment are the result. The good news is the couple needs to have a serious talk about the differences and needs between each other and come up with a plan to meet those needs. </li>
</ol><br />Usually, the unemotional behaviors were learned during the early years and continued to grow as a way to survive what was happening. A person has a better chance to change when the hurts that started the behaviors are healed and ways of expressing feelings are learned. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Craig Miller </strong>has been a therapist in medical and mental health settings, and currently the co-founder of Masterpeace Counseling in Tecumseh, Michigan. For information visit<a href="http://www.mpccd.com/" target="_blank"> www.mpccd.com</a>. His passion is the restoration of relationships through the healing of the heart, mind, and spirit. Craig shares his message through TV, radio, national speaking, and publications. For information or to personally ask Craig a question about your relationship or to purchase his latest book, visit <a href="http://www.insightsfromtheheart.com" target="_blank">www.insightsfromtheheart.com</a> or click <a href="http://www.insightsfromtheheart.com" target="_blank">here</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-08-31T18:33:00Z
4 Reasons Why Self-Respect Rules
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Reasons-Why-Self-Respect-Rules/416667992373470670.html
2017-08-11T18:10:00Z
2017-08-11T18:10:00Z
<strong><br />by <strong>Zoe Summer</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.zoesummer.com/" target="_blank">ZoeSummer.com</a><br /><br /><br />Looking out her kitchen window-Jessica sees a car pull into the driveway, it's Rob for their first date-an early morning hike.<br /><br />Rob opens the passenger side car door for Jessica, she notices a cup of orange juice, and reaching for it, she says:<br /><br />"I'm so glad you have this juice, I didn't have breakfast."<br /><br />Jessica takes a sip, and with shock, she immediately spits it out, because the orange juice is mixed with vodka! <br /><br />Realizing that Jessica found him out, Rob makes an excuse to end the date, and a taxi takes him home.<br /><br />Later that morning, recounting the event to her sister-Jessica confesses that she wouldn't have ended the date-aghast and mortified that she doesn't have enough self-love and self-respect that she would've protected herself and kept herself safe by getting out of Rob's car. <br /><br />Whether single like Jessica, partnered or married, the level of self-respect we each have for ourselves influences the choices we make every day. <br /><br />Here are 4 reasons self-respect rules: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Do not make anyone else more important than you: </strong>Are you important to yourself? The minute you make someone else more important than you-that's the minute respect is lost-your respect for yourself and the respect another has for you. It's impossible for a person to believe you are more important than you see yourself. If you don't love yourself fiercely, have extreme self-care by placing yourself and your well-being first, nothing in your life will be harmonious, especially not dating. </li>
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<li><strong>Stand strong:</strong> If you are a people-pleaser and don't set boundaries because you think this will make people like you, you are mistaken; it has the opposite effect, not only do you lose self-respect, others will treat you like a doormat. You teach people how to treat you, and if you don't value yourself first and foremost which is the foundation of self-respect, you will not be valued by others.</li>
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<li><strong>Self-respect makes you irresistible: </strong>No one but you has the power to give or take away your happiness. When you look to yourself first to feel love, not to anyone else, your self-respect can blossom. Self-respect makes you feel phenomenal and emits positive energy, so people are extremely attracted to an individual who has self-respect. Be resolute in increasing your self-respect: If you feel low self-respect it is an indication that you need to learn to love yourself more.</li>
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<li><strong>Stop dead-end dating: </strong>Keep your dignity: Don't get stuck holding onto the signpost, forgetting about the road. Own your power by being discerning, sometimes you might date a great woman or man but she or he is not right for you. Hold people to high but reasonable standards. If you know that the person you are dating isn't a match for you, tell them as soon as possible, and communicate with compassion, using kind words such as "Thank you for sharing time with me, yet I don't believe we have a connection." </li>
<br /> </ol>Self-respect filters out anyone who is unsuitable for you-as a result of disrespect being intolerable to you-although maintain your positive outlook on dating, after all, there are some wonderful people out there, and you are one of them!<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Zoe Summer</strong> is an inspirational author and empowering speaker who teaches people how to live life to its fullest, and is known as "<em>The Feel Great Expert</em>." Zoe Summer is also the Author and Artist of the book "<em>YOU ARE ENOUGH: 30 Mini Mantras for Self-Transformation, Be Empowered, Enlightened, and Inspired</em>" available on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Enough-Self-Transformation-Enlightened/dp/150433776X" target="_blank">Amazon</a>. To learn about personal development: <a href="http://www.zoesummer.com/sign-up-for-heart-connection-blog-by-zoe-summer/" target="_blank">Subscribe</a> to her "<em>Heart Connection Blog</em>" and visit her online: <a href="http://www.zoesummer.com/" target="_blank">http://www.ZoeSummer.com</a>. Copyright © 2017 by Zoe Summer. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-08-11T18:10:00Z
Separation or Divorce: Pros and Cons of a Critical Choice
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Separation-or-Divorce:-Pros-and-Cons-of-a-Critical-Choice/-335332890685582964.html
2017-07-26T23:12:00Z
2017-07-26T23:12:00Z
<strong><br />by <strong>Lawrence R. Jones</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://lawrencerjones.com/" target="_blank">LawrenceRJones.com</a><br /><br /><br />What is the difference between a separation and a divorce? With a separation, you may be living in a different residence than your spouse, but you are still legally married. With a divorce, the marriage is legally over, even if you still happen to be living with your ex. A person may seek a separation instead of a divorce, or vice versa, for various reasons. Five common considerations include the following: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Genuine Possibility of Saving the Marriage:</strong> If you want to live separate from your spouse, but believe that there is a reasonable chance of saving the marriage, through counseling or otherwise, then you may want a separation instead of a divorce. Of course, some people reconcile and even re-marry each other after divorce. Meanwhile, you may have spent substantial time and money unnecessarily by jumping the gun to divorce and terminate the marriage, only to change your mind after the fact. </li>
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<li><strong>Health Insurance:</strong> A frequent reason why some people do not choose to divorce is because they wish to stay on their spouse's work-related family health insurance plan. Generally, an ex-spouse does not qualify as a family member following divorce, but in some instances may "<a href="https://www.healthcare.gov/unemployed/cobra-coverage/" target="_blank">COBRA</a>" the health insurance benefits at a price which for many people is very expensive and cost-prohibitive. <br /><br />If, however, the parties are separated but still married, it is possible, but not guaranteed that the non-employed spouse may remain on the policy. Some policies now contain provisions which exclude coverage following separation, or what is referred to in some states as a "divorce from bed and board." Therefore, if health insurance is a concern, it is important to first carefully check the specific language of the insurance policy to make certain that you fully understand how separation may affect your coverage. </li>
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<li><strong>Joint Income Tax Filings: </strong> Another reason why some couples prefer separation over divorce if they are still technically married is that they may be able to file a joint tax return by mutual arrangement, and share any resulting refund. Some people may do substantially better on their tax returns by filing jointly instead of separately. Other people, however, choose not to file a joint return, particularly if a spouse's purported income is questionable or lacking in credibility.</li>
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<li><strong>Unequivocal Desire to end Marriage:</strong> Some people are so absolutely certain of their desire to end a marriage that they want a divorce yesterday. They do not want to spend additional time, money, and energies delaying the inevitable by first undergoing a lengthy trial separation, and may, in fact, have been planning a divorce for a long time. </li>
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<li><strong>Establish "<em>End of Marriage</em>" Date: </strong>Some people prefer filing for divorce in an effort to establish an "end of marriage" date. In many states, the cut-off date for determining the end of the parties' marriage is not the date of the judgment of divorce, but the date of filing the complaint for divorce. For example, if parties have been married for exactly nine years, and they then separate and live apart for two years before either party files a complaint for divorce, a court may possibly consider the marriage to have been 11 years rather than 9 years in length. The marriage length can potentially impact issues such as alimony, and may also possibly affect the distribution of assets acquired during the period after separation but during the marriage. While a couple can agree to a different cutoff date, such as the date of the separation, this may potentially require the consent of both parties or decree of the court based upon specific factual circumstances. </li>
</ol><br />There may be other personal considerations on the issue of separation versus divorce. Sometimes, parties start off in divorce litigation, but decide before the conclusion to dismiss the matter and either stay separated under a written agreement or consensual court order or attempt a trial reconciliation or counseling. <br /><br />Any person who is unsure whether to seek a divorce, either before or after separating, should logically consult in confidence with an attorney regarding the pros and cons of each potential choice.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lawrence Jones</strong> is a contributing columnist and former Judge of the New Jersey Superior Court until his retirement from the bench in 2017. He is the author of numerous precedential judicial opinions and published legal articles, and is a speaker and educator on legal issues. He currently practices mediation and arbitration. You may visit Judge Jones' website at <a href="http://lawrencerjones.com/" target="_blank">www.LawrenceRJones.com</a>. Every case is unique, and this column is not intended to provide specific legal advice regarding any person's individual matter. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-07-26T23:12:00Z
Unrealistic Expectations - The Downfall of Any Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unrealistic-Expectations---The-Downfall-of-Any-Relationship/45982684799238022.html
2017-07-13T22:26:00Z
2017-07-13T22:26:00Z
<strong><br />by Greg S. Baker</strong><br /><a href="http://thedivineingredient.com/" target="_blank">thedivineingredient.com</a><a href="http://mrdad.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Everyone has expectations. I met a guy once who argued that point. He told me that he had no expectations in life. I challenged him by asking, "<em>You go to school right? If you answer all the questions on a test, do you expect the professor to give you an A?</em>"<br /><br />He was quiet for a moment and then sighed. "<em>Well</em>," he muttered, "<em>I guess I do</em>." He did. He does. And so do you.<br /><br />Everyone has expectations. In marriage, we enter it expecting certain things. No one looks at someone else and says, "<em>If I marry you, I'll be so utterly miserable. Will you marry me?</em>" No, we expect things. We expect our mate to be faithful to us. We expect our spouse to love us. We expect our friends to back us up. We expect things from the government, from our boss, from our coworkers, and from life itself. We are full of expectations.<br /><br /><br /><strong>WHERE DO OUR EXPECTATIONS COME FROM?</strong><br /><ol>
<li><em><strong>From our own desires. </strong></em>From things we want or like to have.</li>
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<li><strong><em>From what we think we deserve.</em></strong> Even the Declaration of Independence says we deserve some things. Most people think this way too.</li>
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<li><strong><em>From what is familiar.</em></strong> We all grow up differently. But we all grow up a certain way. That 'way' becomes familiar and normal. We come to expect that.</li>
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<li><em><strong>From observation of potential.</strong></em> Gambling is an example of this. Casinos feed this expectation. You know that the odds are against you, but you know there is a potential that you can win. You see others winning. So you play expecting to eventually win. But on a more practical note, you observe a friend's generosity, and you come to expect the same level of giving in the future.</li>
</ol><br /><strong>DANGERS OF DIFFERING EXPECTATIONS</strong><br /><br />The problem in most relationships is differing expectations that often lead to unrealistic expectations. Here is a common scenario: The wife is a clean freak. Her mother was a clean freak. She grew up with everything in its spot, in its proper location. She can't abide untidiness. But the husband grew up in a rather sloppy environment. It wasn't filthy, but clutter was the norm. They get married. Not too long after the honeymoon, a common scene can be witnessed at their house. He comes home after work, dumps his shoes in the hallway, tosses his jacket on the back of the couch, plops down on a chair, opens the mail, and then leaves all of it on the end table. Not too many months later, she's fit to be tied and ready to yank out either her own hair or his. She's nagging him, yelling at him, calling him a slob, a pig, and so forth. The problem: their expectations don't match.<br /><br />If she is a 10 and he is a 1 in this area of cleanliness, they've got a huge problem. This disparity in expectations will only drive her crazy. He'll feel pressured and begin to wonder what he got himself into. A little clutter, in his opinion, is no big deal. So why is she making a deal out of it? He loses his sensitivity, and before long neither can say a civil word to each other.<br /><br />Problems always crop up when there is a disparity in expectations because they lead to unrealistic expectations. Her expectations of him will never be met, and frankly, neither will his of her.<br /><br /><br /><strong>WHAT TO DO ABOUT DIFFERING EXPECTATIONS</strong><br /><br />Let's take another scenario. He is an 8. She is a 3. He could lower his expectations to where she is. This usually doesn't work. But he could lower it to, say, a 5. This might be manageable for her. She could raise her expectation of herself to an 8. But that is probably too much for her to manage. She'll be overwhelmed trying, and if she fails, he will not understand and even if she reached a 6, she'll still feel like a failure and probably go right back to her normal 3. She could, however, compromise and raise her expectations of herself to a 5 and work on it.<br /><br />On another note, if you can't fix it, then don't complain about it. If she is simply incapable of doing better than a 3, anything that you do will only make things worse. Learn to live with it. Any progress ought to be praised or she may stop trying altogether. Talk about your differing expectations. Try to understand the reasons and build understanding. He is much more apt to be lenient if he understands where she is coming from. She may be more interested in improvement if she understands why he feels the way he does. Learn to express yourself.<br /><br />See a mediator or counselor if necessary. Don't look for perfection, look for progress.<br /><br /><br /><br />Greg S. Baker is a Christian author and relationship expert that constantly works at finding practical, simple solutions for relationship problems. He specializes in helping marriages and parents, in discovering a dynamic relationship with God, and in self-improvement. He seeks to help you add that all-important Divine Ingredient that mixes with your heart and mind and brings out the incredible flavor of each of your relationships in a healthy and empowering manner. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-07-13T22:26:00Z
8 Ways to Create Stronger Bonds as a Family This Summer
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Ways-to-Create-Stronger-Bonds-as-a-Family-This-Summer/538263612572438439.html
2017-06-28T22:26:00Z
2017-06-28T22:26:00Z
<strong><br />by Ali Katz</strong><br /><a href="http://www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com" target="_blank">www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com</a><a href="http://mrdad.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br /><br />In the mad rush of jobs, school work, social obligations, and sports teams, quality time as a family seems harder to come by than ever. If I want more time to just be "mom" and enjoy my kids, I need to put as much planning into it as I do every other area of our lives. <br /><br />Here are some of my favorite ways to create space to simply enjoy each other and strengthen our bonds as a family unit. Summer is a great time to implement new routines and rituals without the pressure of school and strict schedules.<br /><br /><strong>Meals are a tech-free zone</strong><br />We eat dinner as a family as many nights a week as our schedule will allow. There is no technology of any kind allowed. No answering the home phone, no television, and no cell phones anywhere near the table. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Rides in the car are tech free</strong><br />I love sending my kids off for the day with them feeling as if they had my undivided attention. That means no talking on the phone, or texting at a traffic light while they are in the car with me. I use this time in the morning to ask what about their day feels exciting, and I share what I have going on. I think it's important for my kids to know that I have a life too, and I don't sit home all day just waiting for them!<br /><br />I use the ride home from camp or an activity to hear about their friends, and if they like what I packed for lunch.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Special dates with each child</strong><br />Having one-on-one time with each of my kids is very important to me. I find that perfection can often be the enemy of moving forward with a plan, so I don't put pressure on our date to be the most exciting day of their lives, I simply want us to enjoy each other's company.<br /><br />Special dates can be shooting hoops on the driveway, coloring together or spending time curled up on the couch and reading a book. You don't even have to leave the house!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Family Game Night</strong><br />I aim to have a family game night about once a week. If we have a night with no obligations, we play games as a family after dinner. I make a big deal as we are cleaning up that the kids should each pick out a game to play. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Not Overcommitting</strong><br />Extra commitments can often be a major time suck, so we should only say "<em>yes</em>" to them if it is a heartfelt one, not because we feel obligated. There are ways to say "no" nicely, without offending anyone when our heart isn't in the task. <br /><br />If we say yes to everything because we feel pressured or guilty, it is inevitable that time as a family will suffer. Look for something to take off your plate and re-allocate that time as "<em>family time</em>."<br /><br /><br /><strong>Family Walks</strong><br />Spending time in nature is a wonderful opportunity for healthy movement and quality conversation. There aren't any distractions, and kids tend to open up when they are side by side like on a walk, instead of face to face feeling pressure to talk.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Volunteer Together</strong><br />Many organizations offer ways for families to volunteer together. I can't think of a better way to bond, than by giving back to the community as a family. Ask your kids what interests them, and find an organization that fits their goals. It could be helping other kids, feeding the homeless, or caring for animals.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Cooking Together</strong><br />Cookies and brownies are always fun, but the older my kids get, the more they enjoy helping to chop veggies and prepare the dinner we will be sharing that night. My hope is always that as they chop because the more veggies I can get in the better! Cooking side by side also creates an amazing opportunity for quality conversation and gives the kids ownership of the family meal and a sense of pride.<br /><br />I hope that these ideas spark bonding and connection in your home. Don't be afraid to get creative and enjoy each other in whatever way feels good to your family. Pick one area to start, and see if it feels like a fit, and works seamlessly into your routine. If it feels right, stick with it. If not, try something else. You can't go wrong if you are enjoying each other!<br /><br /><br /><br />Ali Katz is the best-selling author of "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Hot-Mess-Mindful-Mom-Happiness/dp/1512263648" target="_blank">Hot Mess to Mindful Mom: 40 Ways to Find Balance and Joy in Your Every Day</a></em>," a motivational speaker, and meditation expert. Ali's uncanny ability to make the concepts of self-care, meditation, and mindfulness feel relatable and downright fun, truly sets her apart from the traditional self-help crowd. Sign up to receive Ali's free gift of "<em>Sunday Prep</em>" at <a href="http://www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com" target="_blank">www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com</a> and learn her six best tips to prepare for a stress-free week. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-06-28T22:26:00Z
Six Ways to Save Your Husband's Life
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Six-Ways-to-Save-Your-Husbands-Life/-345852258109062386.html
2017-06-15T22:26:00Z
2017-06-15T22:26:00Z
<strong><br />by Armin Brott</strong><br /><a href="http://mrdad.com/">www.mrdad.com</a><a href="http://mrdad.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />In case you hadn't noticed, men have a pretty lackadaisical attitude toward their health-an attitude that contributes to the fact that they're 90 percent more likely than women to die of heart disease, 20 percent more likely to die of a stroke, and 40 percent more likely to die of cancer. And the situation is getting worse, with women outliving men by about five years.<br /><br />Sounds pretty grim, doesn't it? Well, it doesn't have to be. The reality is that half of all premature deaths are preventable-but to accomplish that, men will have to make some pretty serious changes in the way they run their lives. Unfortunately, far too many men aren't terribly interested in modifying their behavior.<br /><br />From the time they're little, boys are brought up not to cry, complain, or show signs of weakness. In their 20s, they tend to believe that they're going to live forever, and don't bother to go to the doctor. In their 30s, they're too busy with their jobs and their families. And starting at about 40, they don't go because they're afraid of what they'll find out.<br />You too pay a price for men's poor health: because women live longer, you may see your father, brother, uncle, son, or husband suffer or die unnecessarily, leaving you to live on without their love, support, and companionship. <br /><br /><strong>Bottom line: men's health has become a women's issue. And here's what you can do right now to improve the quality-and length-of the life of the men you love. </strong><br /><br /><strong><br />Learn about Men's Health<br /></strong>Because they often skip routine medical appointments, many men never learn that they have a deadly disease until it's too late, because they and their wives don't know what signs to look for. When hearing the word "prostate," for example, many men's (and women's) first reaction is "What's that?" The prostate is a gland that's about the size and shape of a walnut. It's located in front of the rectum and manufactures fluid for semen. Over 160,000 men are diagnosed with prostate cancer every year. Caught early, through either a digital rectal exam (DRE) or a prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test, this disease is nearly always curable. However, every year prostate cancer kills around 30,000 men-nearly the number of women who will die of breast cancer.<br /><br />Testicular cancer is one of the most common cancers in men ages 15 to 35 and, like prostate cancer, has a very high cure rate if caught early. But too few men know that they should examine their testicles monthly, and even fewer know how to do these exams. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Know the Warning Signs</strong><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Changes in bowel or bladder habits</strong>. Does he get up five times a night to go to the bathroom? This can be an indication of bladder, colon or prostate problems.</li>
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<li><strong>Blood in the urine.</strong> This can be a sign of severe kidney or other problems. </li>
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<li><strong>Impotence/erectile dysfunction.</strong> An incredibly common-and potentially serious-condition that men generally fail to discuss with their doctors. More than half the time, impotence is the result of a physical problem: atherosclerosis, high blood pressure, diabetes, or low testosterone levels. So if you want to make love and your husband says that he has a headache, pay attention: It might be an indication of something more serious.</li>
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<li><strong>Persistent backaches, changes in the color of urine or stool, obvious changes in warts or moles, recurrent chest pains or headaches, bleeding that won't stop, nagging cough, unexplained weight loss, and extreme fatigue.</strong> Any of these may signal a serious health problem. Insist that your partner get to the doctor immediately-and don't take no for an answer. </li>
</ul>
<br /><strong>Check Him Out</strong><br />Somewhere along the line we got the idea that self-exams had to be done, well, by ourselves. Yet, there's no reason why he can't help you with your monthly breast exams or you with his testicular exams.<br /><br />While you're at it, do a head-to-toe skin cancer check on one another. Women tend to get skin cancers on their hands, face and legs; men get them on their backs, where they can't see them.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Get Him to the Doctor</strong><br />One of the most important steps you can take is to get your husband (and sons) into the habit of regular check-ups. Changes over time are key in assessing health.<br /><br />Give him a chance to make his own appointments, but if he won't, do it yourself. And don't worry, you won't be alone. Doctors I've interviewed tell me that at least 25% of the appointments for male patients are made by women. <br /><br />A week or so before his physical (if it's his first in a while or with a new doctor), go over his family medical history, note any symptoms you or he are worried about, and encourage him to write down a list of questions he will want to ask the doctor.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Promote a Healthy Lifestyle</strong><br />This probably won't come as a big surprise to you: The three most effective things you can do for your husband (and for yourself, for that matter) are to put him on a low-fat, high-fiber diet, help him get regular exercise, and get him to quit smoking. These steps can drastically reduce the chances that he'll succumb to the leading causes of death: heart and pulmonary diseases, cancer, stroke and diabetes.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Be Patient</strong><br />Remember, the goal of taking a more active role in men's health care is to get your husband to take better care of himself, and to get the next generation of men to start building good habits. These things take time. But with each small change you'll improve the quality and increase the length of the life you have with the men you love.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Armin Brott</strong> bestselling books have helped millions of men around the world become the fathers they want to be-and their children need them to be. His most recent is Fathering Your School-Age Child. Armin has been a guest on hundreds of radio and television shows , writes a nationally syndicated column, "<em><a href="http://mrdad.com/category/ask-mr-dad/" target="_blank">Ask Mr. Dad</a></em>," and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family live in Oakland, California. You can contact him at <a href="http://mrdad.com/contact-armin-brott/" target="_blank">armin@mrdad.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-06-15T22:26:00Z
5 Mindset Shifts to Stop Loving from A Distance
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Mindset-Shifts-to-Stop-Loving-from-A-Distance/-539877978968328752.html
2017-06-02T23:47:00Z
2017-06-02T23:47:00Z
<strong><br />by Kyle Benson</strong><br /><a href="http://kylebenson.net/" target="_blank">www.KyleBenson.net</a><a href="http://www.katyameyers.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Being distant is rooted in life experiences. Here's how it works: If deep down I feel inadequate and fear I don't deserve love, then my instincts tell me that eventually you're going to find out about me, realize that I'm not good enough, and break my heart.<br /><br />So I love you at a distance. I stay aloof and disengaged. I refuse to give you much of my time, because it won't hurt as much when you tell me you're going to leave me. I know it's coming. It always does. My parents. My exes. They've all done it. I know you will too.<br /><br />I hold you at an arm's length because I've been flooded by rejection, sadness, and feelings of being unworthy before, and it's not something I can handle. In my core, I don't feel I deserve your love.<br /><br />While half-hearted love does offer safety, it will always sabotage the opportunity to create a deeply loving relationship. People who are emotionally unavailable are called avoidants, because they avoid intimacy, and closeness. But they do this for a reason.<br /><br />Their Mindset is this, "If I anticipate you rejecting me, then I'm going to remain less emotionally invested in you."<br /><br />The feelings of unworthiness cultivate a feeling of insecurity. True security in a relationship requires the ability to be <a href="http://kylebenson.net/the-six-commandments-of-vulnerable-communication/" target="_blank">open to your partner's feelings</a> while working with your partner to get your needs met.<br /><br />Emotionally unavailable people don't like hearing what their partner thinks or feels if it goes against what they want to hear. And if for some reason their partner does say something, the unavailable partner doesn't like, the unavailable partner makes it emotionally costly for doing so.<br /><br />This is why the other partner becomes <a href="http://kylebenson.net/emotionally-unavailable-partner/" target="_blank">needy</a>, acts crazy, and will make massive compromises to make the relationship work, even if it is unfulfilling.<br /><br />Emotionally unavailable people believe they don't have the capacity to devote time and effort into their partner's needs in the relationship. This is a false Mindset that prevents them from creating a passionate relationship. <br /><br />Below are six mindset shifts to become more emotionally available and creating a meaningful long-lasting relationship.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Take a hard look at your Mindsets in your relationship.</strong><br />Explore why it is that you don't feel worthy of a close loving relationship. Is there a way both your partner and you can discover reasons why you are lovable and deserving of your partner's affection?</li>
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<li><strong>Make your partner's needs and feelings equal to yours.</strong><br />Doing this requires developing empathy and compassion for your partner's feelings, needs, and requests for closeness.</li>
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<li><strong>Stop the secret life.</strong><br />Emotionally unavailable partners often have a backup plan for when the relationship fails. They may have someone on the side to protect themselves because they believe rejection is inevitable. A secret life with others helps keep a safe distance in the relationship.<br /><br />Your relationship cannot afford your secret life or side person. Not keeping secrets is a vulnerable place, but it is the only place that allows you to invest into the relationship and get the returns you deeply need.</li>
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<li><strong>Make time for your partner.</strong><br />Place your partner at the top of your priority list in life. This can only be done by your actions, not your words. Words might sound comforting to your partner but without actionable follow-through, they are meaningless.<br /><br />Often avoidants will avoid phone calls, ignore text messages, and reply only when they want. They focus only on their needs, which makes their partner even needier.<br /><br />If you give your partner the reassurance that you are there for them, they will turn their attention away from the relationship because you have given them the security that you are invested in the relationship. This is called <a href="http://kylebenson.net/the-dependency-paradox-of-love/" target="_blank">The Dependency Paradox of Love</a>.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Commit to opening up.</strong><br />Share your deepest fears. Tell your partner what makes your spine tingle. Tell them your life's greatest disappointments and your biggest dreams. Love requires more than physical touch. It requires emotional touching. </li>
<br /> </ol>Your childhood and failed relationships may have been a great source of pain, but it is your responsibility to make the effort to change the undermining mindset that destroys your relationships. It's up to you to build the emotional skills required to create a meaningful and long-lasting relationship. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Kyle Benson</strong> <span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2311" class="yiv2270849396">is a nationally recognized couple’s mindset coach providing practical, research-based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the</span><a class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="http://kylebenson.net/intimacy-5-challenge/" target="_blank"><span class="yiv2270849396"> Intimacy 5 Challenge</span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2313" class="yiv2270849396"> to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on </span><a class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="https://twitter.com/_KyleBenson" target="_blank"><span class="yiv2270849396">Twitter </span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2316" class="yiv2270849396">and </span><a id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2318" class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="https://www.facebook.com/kylebenson.net/" target="_blank"><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2317" class="yiv2270849396">Facebook</span></a><span class="yiv2270849396">. For more tools visit </span><a id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2320" class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="http://kylebenson.net/" target="_blank"><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2319" class="yiv2270849396">Kylebenson.net</span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2321" class="yiv2270849396">. </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> <br /></strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-06-02T23:47:00Z
The Mindset to Great Sex
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Mindset-to-Great-Sex/195782078337266890.html
2017-05-25T17:32:00Z
2017-05-25T17:32:00Z
<strong><br />by Kyle Benson</strong><br /><a href="http://kylebenson.net/" target="_blank">www.KyleBenson.net</a><a href="http://www.katyameyers.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />There is a <a href="http://kylebenson.net/love-requires-effort/" target="_blank">mindset</a> that many people agree with in terms of sex: it is believed to be instant chemistry from the very beginning. As we drink the wine of romance we become drunk in the belief that sex, even in long-term relationships, is easy, tension-free, and uninhibited.<br /><br />It's kind of ironic that our willpower society encourages us to manifest our careers and health through deliberate work ethic, but tells us our sex lives must only rise in the spontaneity of the moment.<br /><br />Spontaneity is a wonderful fantasy. But in an ongoing and busy relationship, whatever is going to "<em>just happen</em>" has already happened.<br /><br />As many of us know, our careers, our kids, our household chores can consume the moments of our lives, leaving our romance the scraps of our attention. <br />
<ul>
<li>I'm too tired to make love </li>
<li>The kids exhaust me </li>
<li> I have an important work meeting tomorrow</li>
</ul>
<br />We like to believe that good sex is a spur-of-the-moment magical thing that arises from an unprompted impulsive desire deep within. We want to be swept away.<br /><br />"<em>I couldn't resist him... I was completely taken</em>."<br /><br />Realistically, <a href="http://kylebenson.net/sex-intimate/" target="_blank">good sex</a> is more like going to the gym. Fit people intentionally make the gym a priority in their lives. As a result, their deliberateness causes them to have very fit bodies.<br /><br />If you want your sex life to leave you with your heart pounding, sprawled out breathless on the bed, then you need to commit to giving your sex the attention it deserves. It needs more than the 15 minutes before you fall asleep.<br /><br />Good sex requires your full engagement. It won't stay hot and sexy if your attention is devoted to chores and running errands.<br /><br />"<em>The dishes won't just do itself</em>."<br />"<em>And sex will?</em>"<br /><br />The idea of planning sex is a mountain many couples need to climb. Often we associate scheduling with work and work with obligations.<br /><br />If you don't want sex to be another to-do list item, then don't treat it like a to-do list item.<br /><br />Is lying on the beach in the Caribbean looking out at the ocean blue a to-do list item, or something you intentionally choose to spend your vacation time doing?<br /><br />You don't have to schedule sex, but you should create an erotic space that allows both your partner and you to reveal in each other. What you do in that time is up to your partner and you. The scheduling marks the space within your busy life to cultivate intimacy with intention.<br /><br />Here is the irony.<br /><br />When you first started seeing your partner, you were very intentional about making sexy-time.<br /><br />As a man, you probably took her on a nice date, cleaned up your place, and somehow made it smell nice.<br /><br />As a woman, you probably shaved your legs, got on your best dress, applied your makeup, and looked sexy. But as your relationship got older, you stopped doing these things.<br /><br />You moved in together, expecting things to just happen. But guess what? Things never happened unless you made it happen.<br /><br />A lot of people balk at the mindset of intentional sex. They see these strategies as too laborious for the long haul.<br /><br />Just because you live with your partner doesn't necessarily mean they are readily available. If anything, they require more attention, not less. Keeping sex hotter than a beach in the Caribbean requires intentional attention.<br /><br />No, not every single day, but at least every week, if not month. Choosing your frequency is dependent on both partners' unique sex drives.<br /><br />Want to know what is even more sexually mind-blowing than planning sexy-time?<br /><br />As long as sex is something that "<em>just happens</em>" you never have to claim it, and you can complain about it all you want without ever taking action to create the sex you deeply desire.<br /><br />Intentionality in our sexuality is the key to keeping our sex lives humid.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Kyle Benson</strong> <span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2311" class="yiv2270849396">is a nationally recognized couple’s mindset coach providing practical, research-based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the</span><a class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="http://kylebenson.net/intimacy-5-challenge/" target="_blank"><span class="yiv2270849396"> Intimacy 5 Challenge</span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2313" class="yiv2270849396"> to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on </span><a class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="https://twitter.com/_KyleBenson" target="_blank"><span class="yiv2270849396">Twitter </span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2316" class="yiv2270849396">and </span><a id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2318" class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="https://www.facebook.com/kylebenson.net/" target="_blank"><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2317" class="yiv2270849396">Facebook</span></a><span class="yiv2270849396">. For more tools visit </span><a id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2320" class="yiv2270849396" rel="nofollow" href="http://kylebenson.net/" target="_blank"><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2319" class="yiv2270849396">Kylebenson.net</span></a><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1496356779980_2321" class="yiv2270849396">. </span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-05-25T17:32:00Z
For Better or For Worse: How Marriage Effects your Health
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/For-Better-or-For-Worse:-How-Marriage-Effects-your-Health/-991252885159658673.html
2017-05-18T17:59:00Z
2017-05-18T17:59:00Z
<strong><br />by Katya Meyers</strong><br /><a href="http://www.katyameyers.com/" target="_blank">www.katyameyers.com<br /></a><br /><br />It's been said that "<em>a good marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short</em>". Perhaps it's because of this companionship that getting hitched boasts such a bevy of health benefits. Recent research shows that married couples <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/17/couples-healthier-wealthier-marriage-good-health-single-survey-research" target="_blank">report higher level of happiness, better cancer survival rates, more sex, less loneliness, and longer lifespans than their single counterparts</a>.<br /><br />But, if these aforementioned long conversations are more likely to happen over an indulgent meal than a shared workout, beware. A <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2014-00783-001" target="_blank">2016 study of nearly 2,000 married couples</a> indicated one hefty downside to marriage: a larger waistline. Men in the study were nearly twice as likely to be obese, while both women and men that were married worked out less (approximately 47 minutes less per week) than their married counterparts. <br /><br />So, what's a health conscious but happily betrothed couple to do? As it turns out, there is a silver lining in all this. <a href="https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/18/how-to-get-your-spouse-to-exercise/?_r=2" target="_blank">A study presented by Johns Hopkins</a> researchers that analyzed the data of questionnaires completed by 3,261 middle aged couples 6 years apart. It showed that while married couples typically have overall lower exercise rates, it only takes one person to in the relationship to sway the trend in a positive direction. For example, if you (but not your spouse) breaks a sweat on a regular basis, your better half is up to 70% more likely to meet minimum exercise recommendations in the future--so long as you keep up the good work. This effect was maintained, regardless of whether the husband or the wife was the original fitness buff. Conversely, if either spouse gave up their exercise regimen, the other was more likely to follow suit. The implication is that your exercise behavior has an outsized impact on that of your spouse. <br /><br />My partner still won't exercise!<br /><br />Sometimes, it seems that despite best intentions, it's impossible to get your partner off the couch. Here are 5 ways to get moving together!<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Don't get discouraged</strong><br />Remember, changing habits can take time. Before a habit change like regular exercise "sticks" there is a progression of stages, including a contemplation phase. It's during this time that your spouse becomes aware of the habit and develops a desire to change. It's ok to ask questions about his/her interest level and make suggestions, but avoid being pushy...it might just slow down the timeline.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Better Together</strong><br />Suggest activity that you can both do together--activities that he/she feels confident in or are new to both of you can be a good starting ground, particularly if the person new to exercise feels intimidated. For example, if one of you is an elite runner, start with some strength work in the gym to "level the playing field", so to speak. Even if you ultimately go your separate ways at the gym or when pounding the pavement, the first few weeks are highly formative, so help your partner ease in. This can mean sharing a warm up or cool down, changing your schedule slightly to match their availability, or even temporarily slowing down to match paces. Over time, you'll figure out the best exercise format to suit both your needs.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep it Light</strong><br />There are plenty of workouts that don't "feel like exercise" that can make for a perfect date night. Ice or roller skating, yoga, hiking for starters. Or, introducing the idea of a "racecation", that is combining a race--such as a 5k or 10k--with a destination vacation, can be a great way to inspire your partner to start walking or running regularly. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Be a Problem Solver</strong><br />Among the common reasons people give for not exercising are lack of time and energy. Have an honest and empathetic conversations with your partner to analyze if there are time or workload restrictions that you can help alleviate. Good advice for whether your goal is to strengthen your core or your marriage--or both!</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep on Keepin' on</strong><br />As the Johns Hopkins partner study indicates, one of the most important things you can do for both of you is to keep up your own routine. Modeling positive habits is one of the most important motivators--and the only one which you can fully control. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><strong>Katya Meyers</strong> is a pro triathlete turned ultra runner, new mom, and health coach living in sunny San Diego. With a Human Biology degree from Stanford University, Masters in Public Health, and ACSM Health & Fitness Specialist certifications, she loves geeking out on the science and psychology that help her clients achieve phenomenal results--from 90 lb weight loss to top Ironman finishes. You can learn more about her online coaching services at <a href="http://www.katyameyers.com/" target="_blank">www.katyameyers.com</a>. Get world class fitness tips you can do everyday...anywhere, follow along on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/katyameyers/" target="_blank">Instagram</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/katyameyers" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-05-18T17:59:00Z
Why Real-Life Love is Worth the Struggle
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Real-Life-Love-is-Worth-the-Struggle/67399584851114286.html
2017-05-12T21:44:00Z
2017-05-12T21:44:00Z
<strong><br />by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil</strong><br /><a href="http://doctorbonnie.com" target="_blank">www.doctorbonnie.com</a><br /><br /><br />It has been said that you craft a relationship by practice, practice, practice. It does not just happen. In fact, 80% of couples choose to stay together after adultery in marriage. Monogamy is a conscious decision. Divorce is not an option or exit for those who have reached real-life love. Their mindset is different. Their mindset is we will make it work! It takes discipline to be married happily. <br /><br />Adultery is now higher for women than it is for men. Career women may see life without a spouse as palatable because of the burnout they feel from carrying most of the responsibilities alone. Social networking after work pulls apart the intimacy and connection between a couple. People can look up old sweethearts and eulogize those memories. This makes them feel younger and fancy free. <br /><br />There is no conflict or conflict resolution needed. Polite marriages are higher in adultery because they lack conflict which gives us passion. The bored are looking for the pizazz of first love, but are searching for it in the wrong place. No one knows that with better imagination and ingenuity you can have an affair with your own partner. <br /><br />For those who claim monogamy is not natural to humans, studies suggest that married people have better health, sex, wealth, and happiness. Women in relationships feel more sexually satisfied after 15 years together. The longer a couple is together the more sense of kindness returns later in life-similar to the way the relationship was in the courting period. <br /><br />This is real-life love and if you've got there you've traversed the power struggle it took to get there. After you conquer the power struggle stage you have more respect for each other. When you reach real-life love, you accept each other as you are and you are better for it. You have grown together as improved individuals. <br /><br />Here are some tips for reaching real-life love:<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Avoid criticism and contempt. </strong>These contaminate intimacy.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Be kind.</strong> Talk, and connect daily. Look into each other's eyes for 30 seconds daily.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Participate in verbal aphrodisiacs daily.</strong> These are as simple an exercise as complimenting each other and they make you feel more sexual toward each other. Research shows that men have a greater need for affirmation than women do.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't hold grudges. </strong>Say you're sorry even if you don't think you did anything wrong. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Fight by appointment only.</strong> Compartmentalize fun from conflict resolution and, only then, use fighting fair appointments. Make appointments time limited with permission from your partner who is the non-initiator of the fight. Walk in each other's shoes to resolve conflict with action items to change behavior included. Participate in high energy play to raise endorphins after a fight. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Have sex once a week.</strong> Schedule and program in sex as a priority. Sex plays an even bigger role in marriage satisfaction than money compatibility.Do not feel guilty for a weekly night out away from your kids. Children are the biggest romance wrecker because couples put them or their demands first. Men need to take on greater responsibility as the guardian of connection and ease the women's burden. Even a walk or getting an ice cream together counts as a bedroom romp. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Focus on how your partner wants to be loved.</strong> Ask and they shall tell. Make sure you understand how they want to be loved. Does your partner see love as you spending time together, helping with chores, making dinner, or physical affection or sex?</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Explore novelty and new interests together.</strong> It's shown that the most successful couples are the ones that take on the other's interests. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosalynn_Carter" target="_blank">Jimmy and Roslyn Carter</a> attribute their famously long, 70 year old marriage to "<em>trying to do everything they can do together, together.</em>"</li>
</ul>
It is not conflict that is bad, it's how we handle it and deal with it that can make or break a marriage. Most people have no idea how to navigate conflict--that is the problem.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil</strong> is a renowned relationship therapist with more than 35 years experience, a global phone-based practice, and a private practice in New York City with a 98% success rate!. She teaches an online course, <em><a href="https://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships" target="_blank">Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success</a></em> and authored best sellers, "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Make-Up-Dont-Break-Finding-ebook/dp/B01KL6KTMG/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1487019307&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Make Up, Don't Break Up</a></em>," a book turned movie, "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Adultery-Forgivable-Bonnie-Eaker-Weil/dp/1587768151" target="_blank">Adultery: The Forgivable Sin</a></em>,", and "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Financial-Infidelity-Conquering-Relationship-Wrecker/dp/1501271075" target="_blank">Financial Infidelity</a></em>." Get instant access to tips, resources and her free video for singles and couples - <em>Make up, Don't Break up,</em> at <a href="http://doctorbonnie.com" target="_blank">www.DoctorBonnie.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-05-12T21:44:00Z
Change the Course of Your Day by Starting With a Mindful Moment
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Change-the-Course-of-Your-Day-by-Starting-With-a-Mindful-Moment/-166241598712973390.html
2017-05-02T17:59:00Z
2017-05-02T17:59:00Z
<strong><br />by Ali Katz</strong><br /><a href="http://www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com/" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com/" target="_blank">www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com</a><br /><br /><br />You know those mornings where the kids are fighting in the car on the way to school, someone gets out crying, and everyone feels terrible? Those are the worst! I do everything in my power to send my kids off for the day feeling centered and ready to tackle the world. <br /><br />One of my favorite tips for doing this is to practice what I call "morning mindfulness" with my kids. In the car on the way to school we all take three nice, long, deep breaths, think of something we are grateful for and set an intention for the day. This way I am confident that they are getting out of my car with a calm nervous system, and a full heart.<br /><br />Creating a positive mindset in the morning can help kids deal with social anxiety, nerves before a big game, or worries about a test. Kids can get anxious and psych themselves up leading up to something, sure that it is going to be horrible, when in actuality the real experience isn't so bad. When kids learn to recognize their patterns of worry, they can catch themselves in the act, and use tools such as mindfulness to regroup as they begin a new day. <br /><br />Morning Mindfulness can be done in the car, at the breakfast table, walking to the bus, or during a morning snuggle session. Your kids may get into the habit of doing this on their own if they are on the older side, or you can keep it a family affair.<br /> <br />Our intention for the day should be based on how we want to feel. I often set the intention to feel joy in everything I do. There is no way to mess up intention setting because it is so very personal. We can talk to our kids about what our days would look like if we felt confident, supported, or proud. <br /><br />Intentions can also help us to choose our thoughts and actions for the day. We begin to understand that we can become an active participant in shaping our reality by putting our awareness on what we want to become bigger in our lives. <br /><br />Practice setting an intention for yourself every day, and after a few days or a few weeks (you'll know when), introduce the concept to your kids. To start, I would make it more of a conversation, and once they get the hang of it everyone can set their own daily intention, silently if that feels best. You can ask your kids questions like: <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>What good do you want to bring into your day today? </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>How do you want to feel at school? </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>How can you best love yourself today? </li>
</ul>
<br />Intentions are different. A goal is to go to the gym five times this week. An intention is to feel healthy and to love your body. Intentions can be what we want to bring into our life, or something that we want to let go of. Intentions are heart-centered, and evoke a feeling. Here are a few examples:<br /><br />
<ul style="list-style-type: disc;">
<li><strong>Great ones for mom:</strong>
<ul>
<li>I intend to use time productively today.</li>
<br />
<li>I will not take things personally.</li>
<br />
<li>I intend to deepen my relationship with ________.</li>
<br />
<li>I intend to release all judgment of myself and others today.</li>
<br />
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Great ones for the kids: </strong>
<ul>
<li>My intention is to think only kind words about myself today. </li>
<br />
<li>My intention is to take my time and answer all test questions without rushing.</li>
<br />
<li>My intention is to not feel pressure about how to act around my friends. </li>
<br />
<li>My intention is to take three deep breaths when I feel frustrated. </li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<br />Once Morning Mindfulness becomes a habit, mornings won't feel the same without it. Teaching our kids to begin the day with deep breaths and a bit of reflection is truly a gift that will keep on giving. We cannot expect them to automatically understand how to practice self-care in this way, but we can model and make it a fun part of the day<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Ali Katz</strong> is a best-selling author, motivational speaker, self-care coach, and a meditation expert. She is known for her brand "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Hot-Mess-Mindful-Mom-Happiness/dp/1512263648" target="_blank">Hot Mess to Mindful Mom</a></em>" which encompasses books, live events, a blog, and a booming online community. Ali's uncanny ability to make the concepts of self-care, mediation and mindfulness feel relatable, and downright fun, truly sets her apart from the traditional self-help crowd. For more information visit <a href="http://www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com/" target="_blank">www.hotmesstomindfulmom.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-05-02T17:59:00Z
5 Ways to Prevent an Affair - 10 Minutes a Day to Avoid Disaster
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-to-Prevent-an-Affair---10-Minutes-a-Day-to-Avoid-Disaster/-735007526945706181.html
2017-04-27T17:59:00Z
2017-04-27T17:59:00Z
<strong><br />by Susan Allan</strong><br /><a href="http://heartspacesolutions.com/coaching/" target="_blank">www.heartspacesolutions.com/coaching</a><br /><br /><br />Does your husband's head swivel whenever he spots a beautiful woman? Is he out "with the boys" every week? Is he running to the gym and actually losing weight? These are signs that you need to prevent an affair NOW. When wives worry that an affair is around the corner I have them avoid their "To Don't List" and use a To Do List and it will work for you, too! I teach women every week and I offer a 1-hour free telephone consultation. <br /><br />Some men marry for beauty, or for passion or humor and others for social and financial opportunities. If you were a CATCH and you've let it slip this is your Orange Alert that you need to reunite with your fabulous former self. <br /><br /><ol>
<li>Remember why he married you and do that! If you need to lose the weight; wear make-up and fit into your sexy wardrobe again do it ASAP. Ten minutes every single day doing serious exercise instead of snacking can make a huge difference in one month. And seeing you look better every day will remind him that your marriage is worth saving. </li>
<br />
<li>Bring back mind-blowing honeymoon sex. Were you both crazy about each other and sexually creative? Since then, have you avoided spending time and energy on sex? The fastest way to prevent an affair is to have fabulous sex with your husband more not less and you need to initiate tonight to show him how much you want him. </li>
<br />
<li>Gratitude is the secret ingredient: Try cooking without salt or baking without sugar- not easy is it? In the beginning of a great relationship you naturally say and demonstrate "thank you" a million times a week and one key to sustainable monogamy is appreciation. If you are complaining stop it! If you are bickering, it's over. And if you need to understand what divorce will do to you just ask a friend. </li>
<br />
<li>Teamwork is the basis of any great marriage. Did you look for someone to watch your back and stand shoulder to shoulder with you for a safe and successful life; and did he? Once you commit to being the peacemaker then choose a joint goal that you've let slide and take action that will benefit both of you. If you are a stay-at-home Mom discuss what's best financially for the whole family because many affairs begin with sexy financially independent women. </li>
<br />
<li>Become a pleasure to live with every day. Life can be very tough and you and your family are your best chance against the world. Don't let yourself become part of the problem! When you dated you may have said "I'm not a morning person"; well now you are! Wake up and be a happy girl; happily enjoying your husband and your family and contributing and encouraging him every day. That's the woman that most men want to come home to every night.<br /><br />Remember that there are about 5 million women who would give anything to have your life; don't let them get it! If you're thinking "why do I need to be the one to make all the changes" please ask yourself who wants to prevent an affair- it's you, right! And if you feel hopeless, focus on how much you wanted a great husband and a great family before you met him. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><br />Susan Allan is America's leading Marriage and Divorce Coach, a certified mediator and founder of The Marriage Forum, Inc., a nonprofit company. Allan has appeared on hundreds of television and radio programs offering Heartspace(r) skills. Susan offers a complimentary 1-hour telephone session so that everyone may learn to transform their relationships. For more strategies visit <a href="http://heartspacesolutions.com/coaching/" target="_blank">www.heartspacesolutions.com/coaching</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br /><ol> </ol>
Staff
2017-04-27T17:59:00Z
Getting Over the Pain of a Breakup
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Over-the-Pain-of-a-Breakup/779231097727062451.html
2017-04-06T22:41:00Z
2017-04-06T22:41:00Z
<strong><br />by <strong>Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.growingself.com/" target="_blank">www.growingself.com</a><br /><br /><br />There is a literal pain that comes with the loss of a relationship: a sharp, palpable pain that most people feel at the point that their lower ribs connect. It's a pulsing, weepy pain that digs into your diaphragm, and takes your breath away. It's a pain that defies distraction, repels food, and throbs even through sleep. <br /><br />For many broken-hearted people, this physical pain is one of the worst parts of going through a bad break up or divorce. For one thing, it scares them. They can't make it go away, so they wonder when it will ever stop, or whether they will ever feel better. <br /><br />Furthermore, maddeningly, it feels like contact with their Ex is like the only thing that will stop the hurting. This is true even if they know intellectually that <a href="https://www.growingself.com/addicted-to-a-toxic-relationship/" target="_blank">the relationship with their Ex is toxic</a>, and any contact will only bring more pain in the end. They still crave the temporary relief it might bring.<br /><br />If you are in this aching, confusing place here are some tips to help you get through it: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Stop beating yourself up.</strong><br />Most people who are going through this experience believe that there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. This is because there is a powerful, and false, myth circulating in our culture that you should just be able to "<em>get over</em>" a relationship without such massive pain and devastation.<br /><br />Not true. Everyone who has lost a deeply cherished relationship goes through what you are going through. The people for whom breakups were easy simply weren't bonded to that particular person as deeply as you were to your Ex. You hurt so badly because you loved so deeply.<br /><br />But ironically, the people who experience this sort of devastation often feel ashamed and like there is something wrong with them. So they hide / numb / suppress the pain, and try to get through it alone. You are not alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. On the contrary - you are good at bonding and attaching to others. That is a wonderful thing, in the context of a healthy relationship.</li>
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<li><strong>Reframe this as withdrawal.</strong><br />Human beings are built to bond, and form extremely powerful attachments. There are physical systems in your brain and in your body that emotionally weld you to other people. These systems have a great deal in common with the physical systems of addiction. When your attachment bonds are broken, you go into withdrawal.<br /><br />Heroin addicts, deprived of their fix, writhe sweating on their beds in physical pain, craving the only thing that will make it stop - even though they know, intellectually, it could kill them. They often literally trade their lives for the hope of a few more hours of peace in the arms of Morpheus.<br /><br />Similarly, heartbroken people lay curled on their beds like shrimp, in the grips of pain that feels like being slowly impaled through their solar plexus. In their agony, they crave the temporary peace of contact with their Ex, even though they know it will almost certainly only lead to more disappointment, rejection, and shame.<br /><br />The difference is that heroin addicts know that they're in withdrawal. And they know that if they can make it through a few days, it will get better. People suffering through the pain of a breakup have no such assurances, and just feel scared and helpless.<br /><br />Reminding yourself that you are in physical withdrawal will help you make sense of what is happening. It will also help you remember that this is temporary, and a sign that your recovery has begun. </li>
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<li><strong>Give yourself time.</strong><br />Would you expect someone going through the agony of withdrawal, to function like a nothing was wrong? Of course not, but somehow we don't allow broken hearted people the time and space they need to put themselves back together again before we brightly encourage them to get out there and date, make some new friends, or enthusiastically take up a new hobby.<br /><br />Recovery does not work that way. You are going through something big, and you are allowed to not be okay for a while. Embrace your sadness. Feel your pain. Acknowledge the losses. The paradox of grief is that the more bravely we allow it, and allow ourselves to not be okay for a while, the faster we heal.<br /><br />This is a fragile, vulnerable time and giving yourself time and space to heal from this emotional injury, just like you would a physical injury, will help strengthen you so that when the time is right you can start moving forward again.</li>
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<li><strong>Go cold-turkey.</strong><br />Decide to be done. If it's too hard to think about never seeing your Ex again, commit to not connecting with them today. And that means not interacting with them literally, virtually, or in your mind.<br /><br />This last part, "<em>mind cleansing</em>," is the hardest, but the most essential to your recovery. It's one thing to stop having contact with your Ex, cut the digital cords of social media, and avoid likely run-ins. But just because you're not with your Ex physically doesn't change their constant presence in your mind. And herein lies the issue: Every time you think about your Ex, it reinforces your emotional and physical bond.<br /><br />It can be enormously difficult to redirect your thoughts and come mindfully back into the present moment over and over again. But developing this kind of mind control, and stopping yourself from going down the angsty rabbit-hole of daydreams, rumination, and rehashing will set you free quicker than anything else. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't panic.</strong><br />People can get really worried about themselves when they are wracked with pain, and feeling like they are falling apart in the aftermath of a breakup. When you can't stop thinking about your Ex even though you know you should, and you can't "<em>get over it</em>" as speedily as everyone wants you to, it's easy to get tricked into believing that there is something wrong.<br /><br />There isn't. You're in withdrawal, and your body feels it. You're craving something that you can no longer have. Embrace the process of recovery, give yourself time to heal, and have faith in the process. You'll be on the other side soon. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><strong><a href="https://www.growingself.com/denver-marriage-counselors-life-coaches-therapists/" target="_blank">Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT, BCC</a></strong> is the founder of <a href="https://www.growingself.com/" target="_blank">Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver, Colorado</a>, author of "<em><a href="https://www.growingself.com/exaholics-breaking-your-addiction-to-an-ex-love/" target="_blank">Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love</a></em>," and the host of <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/love-happiness-success-podcast/id858864457?mt=2" target="_blank">The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br />
Staff
2017-04-06T22:41:00Z
Life Lessons Learned From Death
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Life-Lessons-Learned-From-Death/-347123042052088941.html
2017-03-31T03:07:00Z
2017-03-31T03:07:00Z
<strong><br />by Judith Ingalsbe</strong><br /><a href="http://www.stonebenchesjourney.com/" target="_blank">StoneBenchesJourney.com</a><br /><br /><br />Death conjures up many images, and let's face it, none are very pleasant. Words like condolences, loss, and grief come to mind. Death also unavoidably includes two uncomfortable elements - finality and lack of control. The completeness of death renders circumstances unchangeable. Equally as unnerving is the painful reality we have no choice in the situation.<br /><br />However, death is an interesting transition, much like birth, where spiritual elements are almost tangible and we have the opportunity to experience an intimacy with Heaven. The process of dying is really quite beautiful, taking place on a different realm than living. My father recently passed away after a twelve year battle with Alzheimer's disease. The final days of his life revealed these beautiful lessons.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Life is Finite.</strong> It sounds obvious, but when life is examined, we seem to have an unspoken belief in somehow having control over our duration on Earth. If we consume healthy foods, exercise faithfully, and practice safe habits, surely our time will be extended. The fact is, our days are unavoidably numbered.<br /><br />If we truly understood the limit to our days, how might we live differently? Imagine a finite number of marbles in a jar, each representing a day on Earth, disappearing daily as that time was spent. This tangible representation would, no doubt, be a powerful reminder to make the most of every day.</li>
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<li><strong>Community is Essential. </strong>Compassion has never touched me more deeply than did the heartfelt concern of those caring for my father in his final days. The voice of compassion is universal, offering a symphony of understanding and support. <br /><br />Even those residing in memory care sensed my father's passing and stopped by his room to pat his shoulder and offer unspoken condolences. As I experienced this gift, I determined, although I would not advise either, living in seclusion would be easier than dying alone.</li>
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<li><strong>Each Life Holds Purpose. </strong>My father served as patriarch of our family until his final breath. Despite the illness which affected him for over a decade, his presence exuded wisdom and protection. Regardless of circumstances, each of us has a contribution to make until our very last breath.<br /><br />Death teaches us there is purpose in life. We are placed on this Earth at this time to accomplish meaningful assignments. Prayer is the means by which Heaven has the opportunity to communicate direction to us. Remembering life is finite is a convincing reminder time must not be wasted.</li>
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<li><strong>The Power of Communication.</strong> Life is experienced through the senses, but as the body fails, these abilities decline. Despite this reality, the need to communicate one's feelings remains. As regular means of communication are stripped away, human need finds a way to relate. <br /><br />We soon realize how much can be expressed in a smile, a sound, or a touch. One of my father's most powerful connections during his final days was the slight movement of his head as he followed the sound of his granddaughter's voice.</li>
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<li><strong>What is Truly Important.</strong> A beautiful truth is ultimately discovered in the final steps of life. There is a realization that most things perceived as problems simply are not important. We learn what an incredible waste of time petty thoughts, grudges, and worries have been. <br /><br />Even at the end of a lengthy disease, there is an undeniable feeling that we have not had enough time. It is here where we discover the vast amount of time which has been wasted on unimportant matters. It is not possessions, but rather relationships with family and friends, which leave us yearning for more.</li>
</ol><br />Thankfully, we do not have to wait for death to apply these lessons to life. May we learn to live each day as if it were our last and truly appreciate the gift of life we have been given. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Judith Ingalsbe</strong> is passionate about bringing understanding to those experiencing the effects of dementia. She will be joining advocates in Washington D.C. again this year to secure funding for research and HOPE for those affected. Judith has gleaned over a decade of caregiving experience with her parents, who were both diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and shares these insights in <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Stone-Benches-Understanding-Invisible-Footprints/dp/0692646221" target="_blank">Stone Benches: Understanding the Invisible Footprints of Dementia</a></em>. For more information visit <a href="http://www.stonebenchesjourney.com/" target="_blank">StoneBenchesJourney.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong><br />
Staff
2017-03-31T03:07:00Z
3 Ways to Get Your Best Guy Friend OUT of the Friend Zone
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Ways-to-Get-Your-Best-Guy-Friend-OUT-of-the-Friend-Zone/-849048120530934718.html
2017-03-23T03:07:00Z
2017-03-23T03:07:00Z
<strong><br />by DeAnna Lorraine</strong><br /><a href="http://www.deannalorraine.com/" target="_blank">www.DeannaLorraine.com</a> <br /><br /><br />All us gals have a guy friend or brother who we know is just such an awesome and nice guy. We know he's deserving of a really great woman and we want to see him hooked up, yet for some reason he seems to have little luck with attracting or keeping the ladies. <br /><br />As a Dating & Relationship Coach helping men and women over the last decade, it isn't actually much of a mystery why this happens to great guys, as there are patterns that all of them repeat. So be a good wing-girl and share these 3 secrets with him to assist him in permanently getting out of the Friend Zone with women. Make sure his 2017 rocks! <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>1. <strong>"Flirt Upfront" - rather than "Friend" upfront.</strong> Lead with Flirting, not your Friend card. Most of the time, the overarching reason why guys fall into the friend zone in the first place is because they started off with trying to be her friend! </li>
</ul>
<br />If dating were poker, they lead with the "friendship card," and think that the way to attract a woman is by trying to be her friend first, and doing innocent and "nice" things for her like offering to feed her cat when she's on vacation, offering to help her with her business, listening to her vent about her ex-boyfriend, and taking her out for meals and activities just to "hang out," without making any moves on her.<br /><br />Well if you lead with the Friend Card - then surprise, surprise - you're going to have her think of you as a friend!<br /><br />Also, it's a bit sneaky, trying to act like her platonic friend at first all the while with a hidden agenda of thinking you can later on try to pull a switcheroo on her. Most guys don't realize that this is ineffective - because once a girl has it cemented in her head that you're just her friend, it's too late to try to pull the romantic moves. <br /><br />When you like a girl, rather than being her friend upfront, make it clear to her that you are attracted to her by flirting with her and being playful. Which brings me to my next point...<br /><br />
<ul>
<li>2. <strong>Be more Assertive upfront. </strong>Most guys who frequently fall into The Friend zone move at a very slow pace - too slow for most women. They tend to behave very cautiously and passively, and don't put any moves on a girl - until it's too late. </li>
</ul>
<br />And because they tend to be more cautious and reserved, and afraid of both rejection and potentially coming across too aggressive to girls, they have a hard time making it obvious to women through both their words and their actions, that they are attracted and interested in her beyond a friendship. <br /><br />Women respond to a man taking the lead, and they look to the man to initiate most of those unspoken "<em>signals</em>" and behaviors that progress a romantic relationship, like expressing interest and attraction, touching and holding hands, the first kiss, and so on. <br /><br />So when a guy doesn't initiate those things, in typical time frame that most experienced and confident guys do, she'll usually conclude that he's either not attracted to her, he's gay, or he's just not a sexual person. And none of those options are what you'd like a girl to conclude about you! <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>3.<strong> Lead with your humor, confidence more, rather than your "Niceness." </strong>As mentioned already, most guys who have the friend zone pattern have a misunderstanding of what qualities and behaviors women are really attracted to the most upfront. </li>
</ul>
<br />They tend to believe that if they are successful, intelligent, have their life together, and are a very well-mannered and nice guy, that women should want them. So they are genuinely baffled when they go on a date, they choose the best restaurant or activity, they were the perfect gentleman, they had good conversations and he treated her so nicely... Why he'll later get the old "<em>I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry</em>" text. <br /><br />We<em> get</em> that you're nice. We hope that you'll be a gentleman and that you're successful. We're hoping those things are just a given, but they're not necessarily things that make a woman's stomach - and other areas - do backflips.<br /><br />Since you're already so adept at being nice, focus instead on making it as fun a date as possible, and demonstrating your confidence and high value. When you carry yourself with confidence, and you can make a woman laugh and have fun, that's when she'll be thinking, "<em>Wow, I can't wait to see him again!</em>"<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Ms. DeAnna Lorraine</strong> is an internationally-acclaimed Relationship and Dating Coach and is recognized as one of the most trusted dating experts for men in the world. She is respected largely for her extensive knowledge of modern dating, relationships, and attraction, coaching men for over a decade into attracting amazing women and becoming the kind of confident, desirable man that every woman wants. Her revolutionary Coaching, Makeovers and Matchmaking programs has transformed men from shy dud to sexy stud, and has led to countless blissful relationships all around the world. Go to her website to download your free copy of her guide, <a href="https://deannates7.clickfunnels.com/mockdateoptin9008464" target="_blank">The 3 Biggest Mistakes Men Make that Kill Women's Attraction</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong>
Staff
2017-03-23T03:07:00Z
6 Ways to Handle Wedding Stress
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Ways-to-Handle-Wedding-Stress/-727373902139940239.html
2017-02-23T02:47:00Z
2017-02-23T02:47:00Z
<strong><br />by Annie Leedom</strong><br /><a href="https://www.parentingbookmark.com/" target="_blank">www.parentingbookmark.com<br /></a><br /> <br />The "Big Day" is almost here. You aren't sleeping or maintaining focus at work. If you are irritable and grouchy with everyone, including your fiancé, it's time to get a grip and get back into control of yourself before the best day of your life turns into the worst day ever. You want to look and feel your best on your wedding day in order to enjoy it. Here are six ideas to make sure you are a beauty and not a beast on that big day. <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Hire a wedding planner.</strong> They can alleviate doubts, answer questions, and avoid potential pitfalls that occur when inexperienced couples attempt to negotiate with vendors, but without wedding industry knowledge. The event coordinator will handle the details, coordinate the wedding ceremony and reception, and assure they run smoothly so you won't have to worry. When you plan your wedding destination at highly acclaimed destinations like The <a href="https://www.portolahotel.com/" target="_blank">Portola Hotel & Spa</a>, you will have a multitude of resources to help you and you won't be overwhelmed. </li>
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<li>Start an exercise program. This also helps to relieve stress and will aid you in getting a good night's sleep. Or, consider long walks. If you have a dog, you and your pet will both benefit from a brisk daily stroll in the neighborhood or in a park. Exercise is good for the complexion, as well as the figure and your spirit.</li>
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<li><strong>Enjoy lunch and a spa day.</strong> Pamper yourself with a facial, massage, pedicure-the works!</li>
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<li><strong>Plan something fun.</strong> You have appointments and meetings you have to keep, but don't forget life's small pleasures. Have lunch with your fiancé and make a point of talking about something other than the wedding. Go window-shopping. Enjoy a movie with friends. </li>
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<li><strong>Reflect in private.</strong> Relieve stress on the morning of the wedding by setting aside some time to sit quietly by yourself, away from the chaos that is inherent in the morning's wedding preparations. Visualize your day. Have a cup of coffee or tea. Eat a good, healthy breakfast. Then, just think about your whole day and how it will unfold. This visualization will help relax you.</li>
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<li><strong>Relax. </strong>Practice relaxation and breathing techniques in the weeks before the wedding. If you feel yourself becoming anxious during the wedding day, breathe deeply, fully inhaling and exhaling, to calm yourself.</li>
</ol><br />Remember what your special day is really all about. You're marrying the person you love, the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Keeping that in mind often helps give brides perspective on little things that might not be perfect or which are beyond her power to change.<br /><br /><br />
<p><strong>Annie Leedom</strong> is the Founder of <a href="http://www.parentingbookmark.com/">Parentingbookmark.com</a> and contributes frequently to national online publications for The <a href="https://www.portolahotel.com/" target="_blank">Portola Hotel & Spa</a> and other family and health related topics. She is a proud mother of two adult daughters and lives in California. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <strong> </strong></p>
Staff
2017-02-23T02:47:00Z
Start Living Your Life Now
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Start-Living-Your-Life-Now/51971178122830118.html
2017-02-02T21:46:00Z
2017-02-02T21:46:00Z
<strong><br /></strong>
<p>By Cynthia Kane<br /><a href="http://cynthiakane.com/" target="_blank">www.cynthiakane.com</a><br /><br /><br />You've finally revved yourself up enough to tell the person you've been seeing that you want more from them, when they come back and tell you they aren't on the same page. What do you do? Continue seeing them even though you know you want more, or are you able to keep looking out for your well-being and gracefully give a kiss on the cheek and say adios?<br /><br />I was the girl who said one thing and did another. It wasn't only in romantic relationships but also friendships, agreeing to go to dinner or to a party when I really didn't want to, or saying I would ask for a raise and then never doing it. Talking about boundaries is easy, but actually drawing them is off-the-charts hard, because it falls on us to do it, it's our responsibility.<br /><br />Through a lot of trial and error here's what I've learned along the way.<br /><br /><strong>Take Yourself Seriously</strong><br /><br />A lot of why I wasn't able to stick to my boundaries was because I didn't take what I was saying seriously. I had let myself down time and time again, by going back on my word, that I didn't believe anything would be different the next time around. I didn't believe in what I was saying because I didn't believe in who I was. The times when I went back to an ex-boyfriend, or agreed to take on more work than I could handle was at a time when I didn't like myself. And in a way, breaking a boundary made it easier to continue seeing myself as not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, you name it enough. Breaking a boundary made it somewhat OK to be down on myself.<br /><br />How you shift from not being OK with who you are to being OK with who you are is by letting yourself simply be as you are. Sounds difficult, right? Maybe you raise your voice at someone out of frustration. Afterward you may say things like, "<em>Why did I just do that?</em>" "<em>What kind of friend am I?</em>" or "<em>I'm so stupid for saying what I did.</em>" But instead of judging yourself in that way, what if you simply felt the feeling the action brought up and accept that you feel badly for what you said?<br /><br />What that means is allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that you are feeling without judging that feeling: to see yourself apart from the emotions so that you can observe without evaluation but with understanding.<br /><br />The more you accept yourself as you are, the more you'll take who you are seriously and thus believe you deserve boundaries.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Stand Up For Yourself</strong><br /><br />After I started to like myself I was able to assert myself, because I knew that what I felt and had to say was important. It wasn't only with saying what I needed to, but it was also with my time. When I would get e-mails, instead of responding right away, I would wait until I was ready to answer. By doing this, I started setting others' expectations and my own boundaries.<br /><br />If I wanted more time to figure something out, I started saying things like, "<em>I don't know the answer right now, I'll have to get back to you on that.</em>" Or sometimes, I'd just say "<em>No, I can't do that right now</em>." Saying no started becoming easier, because I no longer felt the need to do things I didn't want to do. The more I started paying attention to what I wanted and needed, the more I wanted to take care of myself, which meant I didn't want to lie anymore.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Repeat The Process</strong><br /><br />It's more than likely that at some point you will break a boundary, but the key is not to get upset with yourself after the fact. Again, it comes back to being able to see yourself without judgment. If you go back on your word just recognize that you've done so, and try to understand why you did it. Then after you understand it, let yourself off the hook, and go back to the beginning. Maybe it means you need to do more work on caring for yourself, maybe it means you need to be more assertive, but know that setting boundaries is a daily practice and maintaining them is all about where you fall between a positive or negative self-esteem.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Cynthia Kane</strong> teaches the skill of empowered, mindful and self-responsible communication to men and women to help them change their communication routines so they feel present, less critical, more patient, and in control of their words and reactions at home and at work. Her latest book,<em> <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Communicate-Like-Buddhist-Cynthia-Kane/dp/193828951X" target="_blank">How To Communicate Like a Buddhist</a></em>, was published April 2016. She lives in Washington, DC and offers <a href="http://cynthiakane.com/" target="_blank">workshops and private programs</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. </p>
Staff
2017-02-02T21:46:00Z
Coping with the Holiday Blues Naturally
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Coping-with-the-Holiday-Blues-Naturally/341898236233548175.html
2016-12-20T19:46:00Z
2016-12-20T19:46:00Z
<strong><br /></strong>
<p>By Scott A. Johnson<br /><a href="http://www.authorscott.com" target="_blank">www.authorscott.com</a><br /><br /><br /><br />The holidays are a joyous season to celebrate with family for many people, yet for others, the gloomy weather, stress, busy schedules, financial pressures, and family expectations can trigger symptoms of anxiety and depression - commonly called the holiday blues.<br /><br />This may be surprising to some people who consider the holidays the happiest time of the year, rarely noticing a friend or loved one that may be dealing with the holiday blues. To the person experiencing the holiday blues, the holidays can feel lonely and difficult to hear about everyone else's fun plans. However, with a focus on these six strategies both groups can have a more enjoyable holiday season.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>Seek social support not social media. </strong></em><br />Make plans to do something you enjoy with a group of close friends, family, or neighbors. Limit social media use that may cause a loss of perspective and prompt feelings of being left out or jealousy.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Don't overschedule. </strong></em><br />Overbooking your holiday time can lead to exhaustion, crankiness, and feelings of sadness. Organize your time to attend events that are a priority and that you most want to attend.</li>
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<li><strong><em>Stay active. </em></strong><br />Regular activity releases feel-good brain chemicals (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotransmitter" target="_blank">neurotransmitters</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphins" target="_blank">endorphins</a>, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endocannabinoid_system" target="_blank">endocannabinoids</a>) and reduce immune chemicals that improves depressive symptoms.</li>
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<li><strong><em>Help others to help you. </em></strong><br />Serving others (volunteer at a homeless shelter, work with groups that help underprivileged or hospitalized children, or visit care centers for the elderly) takes the focus off your own challenges and uplifts simultaneously others. Don't have time for this, choose something simple like write a thank you note, take a plate of cookies to someone in need, or count your blessings.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Take stress- and anxiety-busting supplements.</strong></em><br />Clinical research published in the July 2012 edition of the<a href="http://www.ijpm.info/" target="_blank"> Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine</a> demonstrates that <a href="http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-953-ashwagandha.aspx?activeingredientid=953" target="_blank">ashwagandha</a> root (300 mg, twice daily) reduces cortisol levels and encourages a more balanced response to stress. B vitamins are significantly depleted during the stress response, so a B complex vitamin may also be helpful.</li>
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<li><em><strong>Inhale uplifting essential oils.</strong></em><br />The powerful influence of pleasant aromas cannot be overstated. Inhaling an essential oil triggers the release of neurochemicals and hormones that are critical to the reduction of depressive symptoms and anxious feelings. Lavender, citrus oils, chamomile, and cedarwood essential oil are all good options to encourage a positive mood and reduce depressive and anxiety symptoms. Topical application of orange essential oil (10 drops of a 2% dilution, three times daily) has also proven beneficial in <a href="http://en.journals.sid.ir/ViewPaper.aspx?ID=36391" target="_blank">clinical research</a>.</li>
</ol>
<p><br />Don't let the holiday blues overwhelm you and ruin your holidays. Seek support, organize your time wisely, stay active, serve others, supplement, and use essential oils to experience the joy you deserve this holiday season. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Scott A. Johnson </strong>is a naturopath, Certified Elite Essential Oil Specialist, Certified Clinical Master Aromatherapist, and Board Certified Alternative Medical Practitioner dedicated to raising healthier generations naturally. His evidence-based approach to natural medicine and enthusiasm for sharing wellness with the global masses makes him a world leader in natural medicine. Join his <a href="http://authorscott.us10.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=445ad38e96f1ef2fc46e19453&id=6ad007d369" target="_blank">wellness community</a> to get a free report on essential oils and MRSA. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <br /><br /> </p>
Staff
2016-12-20T19:46:00Z
Is There Such a Thing as Online Private Thoughts?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-There-Such-a-Thing-as-Online-Private-Thoughts/950287789294144652.html
2016-12-13T19:32:00Z
2016-12-13T19:32:00Z
<strong><br /></strong>
<p>By Lisa Messinger<br /><a href="https://www.creators.com/author/lisa-messinger" target="_blank">www.creators.com</a><br /><br /><br /><br />I didn't mean to get to know Sonia Jean Royce* intimately. It was tempting, though, since, just like her dad, who I'd known when he was her age-20-she was tall, willowy thin, with long flowing blonde locks and a mischievous grin, as I could see on her Facebook page. Just like he'd looked like a beach bum, so much so that he was immediately dubbed Surfer Joe at our highly competitive TV page audience relations job, but was really a genius, so clearly was she. I could tell from her blog.<br /><br /><strong>What is the etiquette for reading a stranger's online personal thoughts you stumble upon accidentally? Would you ever contact someone you only knew from the internet if you thought you could be helpful to them?</strong><br /><br />I wondered, just because it was "<em>unlocked</em>," was I supposed to be reading her intimate blog and know she sometimes feels so empty she wants to crawl up and sleep for the rest of the semester, and how she's so tired of being both financially and emotionally broke, and how she's completely torn between becoming a dancer or a writer, but deep down doesn't know if she's worth much at either?<br /><br />It all started innocently enough, Sonia and my virtual relationship, <strong>just like millions of yours, mine, and countless other Google searches before it</strong>. Where was her dad? He's who I was looking for. Was Joe on Facebook after all these years? Boy, he didn't post much, literally nothing, but I did see he listed Sonia as his daughter with a link to her Facebook page. Click to Sonia. Easy to get caught up in her freewheeling, Bohemian dancer's life at a party school university on the West Coast on her unlocked Facebook page. Then, there it was, a link at the bottom - "<em>My Website</em>," with something about "<em>Sonia's Snippets on Tumblr</em>." <br /><br /> I had never heard of <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> before that, but now of course I know it's mainly the college set's free blog software of choice, where they can not only write their yearnings, but easily post music, art and other links. After reading a few of Sonia's grabbing diary entries (they read just like they were from an old-fashioned journal), I thought, was I reading my own writing? <br /><br /> Among other things, I had written about Sonia's dad Joe for 18 months when he was 20 and I was 18 and we were both TV pages shepherding audiences in to see TV shows in Hollywood. The stuff Sonia was confessing on Tumblr could have been me writing about her dreamy dad years earlier in a journal that my journalism professors at the University of Southern California helped make sure became a paperback book that was also published as a second edition 20 years later. Now, through a click to Facebook and a further click to Tumblr, even though I've never met her or spoken to her, I know Sonia Jean Royce better than some of my longtime friends (or it gives me the illusion I do). This is one neat chick. One tough cookie. This is most obviously not the sweet, retiring, straight-A, bouncy-haired brunette (like me) offspring I might have sprung with Joe. But I think she seems great and would have loved to have told her that everything's probably going to be OK-especially with writing talent and passion like hers.<br /><br /><strong>Just as you may have found while clicking around cyberspace, when it comes to stumbling around Tumblr and other blog sites, there are lots more deep thought chroniclers out there similar to Sonia. Like me, you may have wandered right into one of your friend's or their kids' tangled beds of feelings.</strong> While on another Google search for an old chum, I came across a not necessarily public, but unlocked, blog of Jenny, one of her daughters. The family was going through a tough emotional time and she wrote some harsh things about her mom and also about herself.<br /><br /><strong>Is it OK to "<em>eavesdrop</em>" like this when it is an unlocked account? Would you contact them, their parents or others if you thought they sounded troubled?</strong><br /><br />In fact, <a href="https://lsa.umich.edu/soc/people/current-graduate-students/dmfoster.html" target="_blank">Drew Foster</a>, from the University of Michigan, in the academic journal <em>Teaching Sociology</em> in 2015 referred to the term as "<em>semipublic reflective blog posts</em>" in his article <em><a href="http://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/apr15tsfeature.pdf" target="_blank">Private Journals versus Public Blogs</a></em>. In a comparative content analysis of more than 2,000 private reflective journal entries and semipublic reflective blog posts in two large college introductory sociology courses, he found that people take more personal risks when writing privately and more intellectual risks when writing semipublicly.<br /> <br /><strong>Of course, as experts recommend, if when online you read suicide threats, details of abuse or statements specifying violent plans, contact authorities and the person's loved ones. However, in more usual circumstances, just like with old-fashioned diaries that had flimsy locks, I think those who do "<em>semipublic reflective blogging</em>" don't desire intrusive comments, even if it is to let them know you think they are an excellent writer.</strong> Sonia figured that out on her own in the weeks her blog progressed. Jenny warmed up both to her mom and herself after a few more months of writing. <strong>The very best idea of all may be to start a semipublic reflective blog of your own.</strong><br /><br /><br />*Names have been changed. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lisa Messinger </strong>has a graduate certificate in Strategic Communication Management from Purdue University and is a contracted blogger for the university's Master of Science in Communication program. She is a longtime columnist at <a href="https://www.creators.com/" target="_blank">Creators Syndicate</a> and before that Copley News Service and a manager of editorial quality assurance within iHeartMedia, Inc. She has won multiple national first-place writing awards and is the author of seven nonfiction books, including "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Thin-Excuse-Understanding-Recognizing-Overcoming/dp/0757002595" target="_blank">My Thin Excuse: Understanding, Recognizing, and Overcoming Eating Disorders</a></em>" with Merle Cantor Goldberg, LCSW. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <br /><br /> </p>
Staff
2016-12-13T19:32:00Z
Marriages That Last: Small Gestures Yielding Big Benefits
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Marriages-That-Last:-Small-Gestures-Yielding-Big-Benefits/683040212741722947.html
2016-11-23T06:22:00Z
2016-11-23T06:22:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By Judith Ingalsbe</strong><a href="http://90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><a href="http://www.stonebenchesjourney.com/" target="_blank">www.StoneBenchesJourney.com</a><br /><br />
<p>It has been sixty-five years since my parents' wedding, a ceremony celebrating their commitment to love each other forever. Many years of dedication and shared experiences after they wed, Alzheimer's disease stole the memories of this promise. After their diagnoses, I watched in amazement as my parents newly discovered each admirable trait which brought them together decades before. <br /><br />Now refined through trials and seasoned with life's experiences, their attraction was magnetic. My parents' shared disease made me wonder: what keeps marriages strong despite the challenges of life we all face? I believe it is more than sheer grit and determination. Experiencing my parents' love on autopilot led me to believe the key to lasting love is in developing basic traits which become the essence of who we are. <br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Be kind. </strong>It sounds simple, but careless words and inconsiderate actions become commonplace if not guarded against. It is human nature to offer the best version of ourselves to strangers, while tossing the worn out remnants to those closest to us. Our words should be sifted through the sieve of kindness and thoughtful, consistent gestures woven into our marriages.</li>
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<li><strong>Celebrate humor. </strong>We cannot escape the challenges of life, but stress does flee at the sound of laughter. The most successful couples learn to not take everything, especially themselves, so seriously. A joyous symphony of laughter is found by incorporating humor into daily life.</li>
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<li><strong>Speak encouragement. </strong>Life throws plenty of curveballs which can easily breed discouragement. When our spouse looks to the audience of life for inspiration, they should find their biggest cheerleader in us. Knowing we believe in them breathes life into their efforts.</li>
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<li><strong>Live honestly. </strong>Our spouse deserves the most authentic, transparent version of us. Trust is built on honesty, which flows freely in an atmosphere of acceptance. This environment is created by listening with understanding and having the freedom to share our most candid thoughts without fear of rejection.</li>
<li><strong>Prioritize intentionally. </strong>If the one we promised to love forever is to receive the best of who we are, conscious effort and careful planning is necessary. We must guard our time and resources. Schedule marriage with a sharpie and pencil other engagements around this priority.</li>
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<li><strong>Be flexible.</strong> Those with the most successful marriages freely grant each other grace. Mistakes will be made, plans unavoidably changed, and details overlooked. The goal is not a standard of perfection, but rather an environment of understanding and encouragement for the potential found in each of us.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Understand the unseen.</strong> A perceptive spouse seeks to understand the essence of their loved one. This goes beyond the obvious traits others easily recognize. Keen intuition takes the time to peel back the layers in order to discover the reason behind unique personality traits. </li>
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<li><strong>Love endlessly.</strong> Above all, cherish the one your heart chose. Marriage is a process, not a destination. A healthy relationship consistently has life breathed into it with an unceasing commitment born of a loving heart. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />By the time my parents were stripped of the ability to consciously choose love, these attributes had been practiced and perfected for many decades. I believe these daily decisions became the essence of their being and allowed them to love without ceasing. May we all be so fortunate. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Judith Ingalsbe</strong> is passionate about bringing understanding to those experiencing the effects of dementia. She recently joined other advocates in Washington D.C. to secure funding for research and HOPE for those affected. Judith has gleaned over a decade of caregiving experience with her parents, who were both diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and shares these insights in <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Stone-Benches-Understanding-Invisible-Footprints/dp/0692646221" target="_blank">Stone Benches: Understanding the Invisible Footprints of Dementia</a></em>. For more information, visit <a href="http://www.stonebenchesjourney.com/" target="_blank">StoneBenchesJourney.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2016-11-23T06:22:00Z
Do You Ask Your Spouse, 'Can I Kiss You?'
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-You-Ask-Your-Spouse,-Can-I-Kiss-You/-340549669636428021.html
2016-11-10T05:21:00Z
2016-11-10T05:21:00Z
<p><strong><br />by Mike Domitrz</strong><br /><a href="https://www.datesafeproject.org" target="_blank">datasafeproject.org</a><a href="http://www.anewmode.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />Do you ask your spouse, "<em>Can I Kiss You?</em>" Consent is a subject we often associate with dating but marriage...not so much. Why is that? Is it because after a certain amount of time passes, we "<em>just know</em>" when our significant other is "<em>ready?</em>" We are so in tune with their body language that verbal consent is simply not needed? Let's examine this a little more.<br /><br />Body language is the most common form of communication in any relationship. For example, do most married people ask before they kiss their love? No. Instead, they try to figure out when is the right time to make their move. How do we figure out when is the right time? By reading body language. <br /><br />Is body language reliable? No. If it were, you would never experience confusing moments in the beginning of intimacy or during intimacy. You would always know how comfortable your partner was with you. <br /><br />Are you good at reading body language? Are you great at sending the right "<em>messages</em>" to your spouse?<strong> Take this Body Language Challenge. </strong><br /><br /><br /><strong>Taking the body language challenge:</strong><br /><br /><strong>Challenge No. 1<br /></strong>Imagine you are single. Your partner to be is sitting across the room from you. Send the person messages through your body language to tell them you want to ask them out on a date. Will the person interpret your signals perfectly? For a fun exercise, try this with your spouse. Remember, this person has to interpret your body language correctly.<br /><br /><strong>Challenge No. 2</strong> <br />You want to go on a "<em>date night</em>", write down all of the body language signals you could use to communicate with each other your intent to go on a date night. Include every signal imaginable. <em>Example:</em> moving closer to someone to let the person know you want to spend time with them.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Discussing the body language challenge:<br /></strong><br /><strong>Challenge No. 1<br /></strong>If you tried this challenge with your partner, did either of you laugh? The reason people will start laughing during this exercise is because each of you realizes how silly you look trying to send body language signals. While trying to read another person's body language, you feel like you are trying to read the person's mind. Reading minds is a skill most people admit they don't possess. If you can't read minds, body language does not work.<br /><br />For body language to be an effective means of communication, everyone needs to use the same "<em>signals</em>." Since every person reads The Look signals differently, you cannot guarantee the correct interpretation of body language.<br /><br /><strong>Challenge No. 2<br /></strong>Are you done writing all the body language signals? For fun, share the answers with your partner. If you wrote down every possible body language signal, you would be writing for days (flirting for fun, letting a person know you are attracted to them, sending the signal you want to kiss, etc.). Since an infinite number of "<em>signals</em>" exists, knowing all of them is impossible.<br /><br /><strong>The Body Language Challenge</strong> shows you multiple examples of how body language can cause confusion and misunderstanding between two people on a date or in a relationship. Each of the examples is a real-life scenario that frequently happens to people. Each challenge proved body language is not effective. We need to use a better form of communication.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Remember this:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>Body language is unreliable and often misinterpreted! </li>
<br />
<li>To communicate effectively with your partner, utilize verbal communication. </li>
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<li>While on a date, even with your spouse, do not project or force your wants onto the other person.</li>
</ul>
<div><strong><br />Should I ask my spouse to kiss me?</strong></div>
<p>YES! Regardless of how long a relationship has existed, mutual respect is essential in all relationships. Body language is unreliable and often misinterpreted. To communicate effectible with your partner, utilize verbal communication.<br /><br />Married partners can, and have, been sexually assaulted by their partners. Whether you have been married for three months or forty years, no person owes sexual or intimate acts to a partner. People in long-term relationships and marriages still need consent. Talk with each other to ensure that each person wants the intimacy. After all, don't you want to know that your spouse WANTS the intimacy with you? Don't you agree they DESERVE to always have a voice? The greatest way to honor your spouse's sexual wants is by asking and respecting the answer. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Mike Domitrz </strong>is on a mission to create a culture of consent and respect through <a href="https://www.datesafeproject.org/" target="_blank">The DATE SAFE Project</a>. As one of the leading voices for helping children, young adults, parents, educational institutions, and the US Military discuss dating, sexual decision-making, consent, and sexual assault, Mike speaks to tens of thousands of people yearly around the world; providing positive how-to skill sets and helpful insights for romantic relationships, sexual intimacy, and being safer. Click here for access to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DateSafe/" target="_blank">Facebook</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/DateSafeProject" target="_blank">Twitter</a> pages for The DATE SAFE Project. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. </p>
Staff
2016-11-10T05:21:00Z
Signs You Are a Victim of Gas Lighting
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-You-Are-a-Victim-of-Gas-Lighting/312703074010277532.html
2016-10-18T04:16:00Z
2016-10-18T04:16:00Z
<p><strong><br />by Lindsey Ellison</strong><br /><a href="http://lindseyellison.com/" target="_blank">lindseyellison.com</a><a href="http://www.anewmode.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><br />If you are (or were) married to a narcissist, then you may be familiar with the term, "<em><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting" target="_blank">gas lighting</a></em>." It is the narcissist's masterful manipulation technique to gain control over you. As your relationship begins to weaken, he carefully causes you slight anxiety or confusion. But as the relationship worsens, he punitively devalues you, and you thereby question your mental sanity. Extreme or long term gas lighting can ultimately lead you to having a distorted sense of reality: not knowing who is right or wrong, feeling guilty for being the person you are, and losing any remaining self-confidence.<br /><br />Gas lighting is an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse, as it causes the narcissist's victim to question her judgment, on even the smallest issues, thereby making her dependent of him. If, for example, she is repeatedly told that she is bad with money, she will begin to believe it, and think that without her narcissist by her side, she will be financially ruined.<br /><br />The term <em>gas lighting</em> comes from the 1944 film, '<em><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)" target="_blank">Gaslight</a></em>,' where a young woman named Paula falls madly in love with her suitor, Gregory. After an intense romance that led to marriage, Gregory begins to display pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to Paula's insanity. In one scene, Gregory tampers with the gas light in the attic, causing the house lights to dim. When Paula mentions hearing footsteps in the attic and the lights dimming, Gregory tells her it's completely her imagination, making Paula question her judgment. Gas lighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly messes with your head.<br /><br />Depending on the stage of your narcissistic relationship, gas lighting at first appears to be subtle, but then gradually worsens. Below are the signs you are a victim of gas lighting, in order in which they may occur. This list illustrates that as the relationship declines, so does your mental clarity and grasp of reality and truth.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>You become addicted to his grandiosity</strong><br />When your whirlwind romance is at its peak, you have intense feelings of euphoria - you are almost in a drunken dance with his charm and abundant attention. Your brain releases endorphins, sending you in a complete state of intoxication. And because you likely had low self-esteem before you met him, the joy you feel can only occur when you are with him, thus making you dependent on him - and before you know it, you are addicted to your narcissist. </li>
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<li><strong>You see red flags but you can't pinpoint the problem</strong><br />As your narcissist becomes bored with you, his attention begins to dwindle and he searches for new supply. He may discreetly put you down, saying you're "<em>needy</em>" or "<em>overly sensitive</em>." His once empathetic affection for you has now turned to apathy, and this sudden change leaves you in a foggy state of confusion. You can't pinpoint the problem, so you think something is wrong with you, and you do everything you can to fix it.</li>
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<li><strong>When you no longer have his attention, you actually experience withdrawal</strong><br />Because you are addicted to him, and no longer getting your "<em>fix</em>", you experience intense anxiety. Withdrawal from him may lead you to become fixated by his every action, wondering what he is doing, trying to please him, and obsessing on how to save the relationship. Your addiction, however, only causes him disgust, despite the fact that he dispensed you the enslaving elixir.</li>
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<li><strong>You are ignored, then attended to, but then ignored again, so you lower the bar for yourself</strong><br />Now that you no longer have your full fix, you will take what you can get. While a narcissist may emotionally discard you, he will still keep you around for when supply is low. So he may give you a glimpse of affection here and there, giving you hope that he is coming back to you. This further declines your self-esteem, however, making you think you are only worth sub par affection.</li>
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<li><strong>You second guess yourself and question your sanity</strong><br />To keep you within close reach, he will gas light your every request - while this seems counter intuitive, the manipulator is puppeteering you. You may ask him to join you for a dinner party, but rather than simply declining, he will derogate your friends and even scold you for having interest in them. But because you are still in love with him, you now question your choices in friends. You withdraw from them in order to please him, and he further reigns in his puppet strings. Slowly, you second guess every choice of yours, making you more dependent of him, which is the narcissist's ultimate goal.</li>
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<li><strong>You feel guilty and are always apologizing</strong><br />As you now second guess yourself, anything you do to repair the relationship feels like a mistake. If your narcissist is threatened by you experimenting with a new approach, he may experience narcissistic injury, erupting into extreme rage or placating you with deafening silence. So you apologize, retreat, and feel bad for trying something new. Unable to move, you walk on egg shells, now feeling captive by your abuser. You fantasize about breaking free, but you feel hostage due to his masterful gas lighting.</li>
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<li><strong>When you mention divorce, he will retreat into victim mode</strong><br />Now that you have tried everything but failed, you want to give up and end the marriage. But when you mention divorce, he will stab at your ability to function as a human being, and that you could never get by without him. Rather than taking responsibility for his actions, he will blame you for a multitude of infractions: you don't want to have sex, you want too much sex, you're lazy, you're fat, you're insane, you're unstable, - and you should be LUCKY that he has stuck around to support you. After all, no one else would ever tolerate you but him. Now <em>you're</em> giving up, how could you do such a thing, how could you do that to the children, how could you do that to<em> him</em>, you are so selfish. And because your sense of reality is so distorted at this point, you actually feel bad for him, so you stay.</li>
</ol>
<p><br />And so the cycle continues.<br /><br />If you are victim of gas lighting, you must remember<em> why</em> your narcissist does this. Their distorted sense of self, and their fear of being exposed that they are no longer truly special, gives them the ammo to play ultimate mind games. You aren't the problem - they are. Do not succumb to his manipulation - you are worthy of love and safety, and a narcissist's gas lighting will only prevent you from realizing it. You must break free before your sanity is ultimately compromised.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lindsey Ellison</strong> is a relationship coach and founder of <a href="http://lijlnetwork.com/shows/startoverfindhappiness" target="_blank">Start Over. Find Happiness</a>, a coaching practice that helps women navigate through their divorce or break up, and begin a new life they truly love. She offers guidance through her <a href="http://lindseyellison.com/" target="_blank">blog</a> and <a href="http://lindseyellison.com/dating-and-relationship-podcast/" target="_blank">podcast</a>, as well as an online course called <a href="http://thrive.lindseyellison.com/" target="_blank">THRIVE</a>, that gives support and tools to help women find happiness (and new love) after divorce. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/Just because you call a red flag pink, doesn't make it go away..jpg" alt="" /> </p>
Staff
2016-10-18T04:16:00Z
What to Do When He Says He Doesn't Want to Be In A Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-He-Says-He-Doesnt-Want-to-Be-In-A-Relationship/-132335238398507725.html
2016-10-10T17:58:00Z
2016-10-10T17:58:00Z
<p><strong><br />by Sabrina Alexis</strong><br /><a href="http://www.anewmode.com/" target="_blank">anewmode.com<br /></a><br /><br />Here is a scenario that is very common in this day and age. You meet a guy, you start hanging out, you spend a lot of time together, you enjoy each other, you have fun together, everything seems to be going great. You think that maybe this is finally <em>it</em>... but then he tells you he "<em>doesn't want to be in an official relationship</em>." <br /><br />He may give you an excuse (he just got out of a serious relationship, he needs to get his life in order, he doesn't like labels, he wants to keep things as they are, etc.), and you may believe it, but now you're at a crossroads. Do you stay or do you leave? How can you tell if he's <a href="http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/men-relationships-5-signs-commit/" target="_blank">ever going to want to commit</a>? <br /><br />It's hard to just pack it up and call it a day because you <em>really</em> like him, and he also likes you. OK, so he can't commit right now...but that can change eventually, right? So why should you risk losing him forever, you may as well just stick it out and try to turn things around. This is the approach most women take, and unfortunately, it usually leads to heartbreak more than happily every after. <br /><br />Here is exactly what to do if your guy doesn't want to commit: <br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Believe him</strong><br />It may sound simple, but this is actually one of the trickiest steps of all, the one that most women fail to master. Instead of <a href="http://www.vixendaily.com/love/why-he-wont-commit/" target="_blank">taking his words at face value</a>, a lot of women either choose to ignore them or see them as some sort of opening offer that is up for negotiation.<br /><br />She might think: "<em>Sure, he's saying that now but he'll change his mind once he realizes how amazing I am!</em>" Or that if she tries a little harder, if she pushes past his walls a littler further,<em> then </em>she'll get the commitment she wants. Or maybe she decides to wait it out and give it more time...<br /><br />All of these are bad options. When a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, you have to believe him. Forget about his reasons and excuses. The reasons don't matter; the facts do. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Keep your options open</strong><br />It's important to remember that you are single until you are in an official relationship. That means, don't act like his girlfriend when he isn't your boyfriend. In the best-case scenario, this will naturally happen. Other times, you'll need to confront him and initiate "<em>the talk</em>" to see where you stand.<br /><br />It doesn't matter how much you like him or how perfect you think he is, you are single until it is clearly and explicitly stated otherwise. This means you don't take down your dating profiles or turn down other potential suitors or mentally close yourself off to the possibility of dating someone else. You don't necessarily have to go out with other guys; just don't cut yourself off from the possibility. Basically, don't put all your eggs in one basket in invest in this guy before he has shown a reciprocal level of investment. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't try to win him over</strong><br />When a <a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a37506/excuses-and-the-real-reasons-guys-wont-commit/" target="_blank">man won't commit</a>, some women (very confident ones, usually) will see it as his loss and move on. However, the majority of women will do the opposite and try to win him over and prove they're worthy. They will be extra loving, extra doting, extra affectionate, extra everything. She may believe if she shows him how amazing she is, then<em> he'll </em>realize he can't live without her.<br /><br />Here's the thing, though. Men don't fall in love with a woman because of what she does; they fall in love based on how they feel in her presence. If getting a man to fall in love were as easy as cooking his favorite meals and mastering some intricate techniques in the bedroom then relationships would be a cinch!<br /><br />Being desperate for his approval is not what will win his heart. It doesn't feel good to be around someone like that, you feel like they are trying to get something out of you, like they have an agenda, and it's off-putting. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Get clear on what you want</strong><br />Do you want to be in a committed relationship? Are you cool with leaving things open ended and label-free? Figure out exactly what it is you want and how you will respond if this guy won't give it to you.<br /><br />Don't be ashamed of your own wants, or think you're being unreasonable. Confident people never feel this way. Instead, they recognize what they want and deserve and they don't settle for less than that.<br /><br />Before you even bring up the topic of exclusivity and have the dreaded "<em>what are we?</em>" conversation, get totally clear on what you want and how you will react should the conversation not go the way you would like. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Know when it's time to walk away</strong><br />An important, albeit painful, thing to realize is that usually when a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he means he doesn't want to be in a relationship <em>with you</em>.<br /><br />When a man is in love with you, he wants to be with you. And when he likes you, it's obvious. When you have to guess and wonder and have conversations about what's going on in the relationship, it's usually a bad sign, a sign that he isn't into you enough to commit to you. And that's OK. One of the most empowering things to realize is that not everyone is a match, sometimes it doesn't work out and that's no big deal.<br /><br />When it's the right guy, things will usually come together pretty easily and effortlessly. There will be no force, no plotting, no stressing, and no analyzing. It will just click into place without all the drama. </li>
</ol>
<p> </p>
<strong>Sabrina Alexis </strong>is a bestselling author and co-founder and editorial director of <a href="http://www.anewmode.com/" target="_blank">A New Mode</a>, a women's lifestyle site with a focus on dating and relationships. Join A New Mode's mailing list for daily relationship advice and answers to all your burning questions: <a href="http://www.anewmode.com/subscribe/" target="_blank">anewmode.com/subscribe</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<span> <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/comic.jpg" alt="" /> </span>
Staff
2016-10-10T17:58:00Z
Daring to Trust Again
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Daring-to-Trust-Again/25740143393091862.html
2016-10-03T23:34:00Z
2016-10-03T23:34:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT, BCC</strong><br /><a href="http://www.growingself.com" target="_blank">growingself.com</a><a href="http://www.TheRelationshipCoach.com" target="_blank"></a><br /><br /><br />You were brave. You let yourself love fully. You were vulnerable and open. And you were crushed when the person you gave your heart to abused your love. Now, even though you want a healthy new relationship, it's hard to trust that you won't be hurt again. <br /><br />Does this sound familiar? It's not just you. I'm a therapist as well as a dating coach, and as such I'm well aware that many people re-entering the dating field after a bad experience are understandably cautious. They have seen the darkness and felt the risk of loving. <br /><br />More most this isn't just an intellectual decision, it's a feeling. You might genuinely want to date, but find it hard to feel excited about anyone you meet. Or you lose any emerging feelings of attraction for them over the slightest thing. Our you just feel flat, and exhausted when you think about dating. <br /><br />On some level, you know you're protecting yourself from being hurt again, but you can't control the way you feel. It's like knowing you should eat a healthy meal, but having absolutely no appetite. What to do?<br /><br /><strong>How to Trust Again <br /></strong><br />Here's how: You don't have to trust another person. You have to trust yourself. <br /><br />When you are confident in your good judgment, in your ability to protect yourself, and in your clarity about your needs, you have nothing to fear from other people. When you feel safe, when you feel strong, your excitement about possibilities naturally increases. You're free to feel attraction, and even hope.<br /><br />Many of the clients I work with who have been traumatized by past relationships feel that the primary betrayal they experienced was their betrayal of themselves. They accepted things they shouldn't have. They tolerated mistreatment for too long. They dismissed their inner wisdom, and suffered the consequences. <br /><br />Now they don't trust themselves not to make the same mistakes again. <br /><br /><strong>Daring To Trust Again Requires Radical Honesty<br /></strong><br />Have you learned from the past? Have you done an inventory of the relationship that broke your heart? Do you sincerely believe that you are worthy of love and respect? Do you know how to keep yourself safe from people who can't or won't love you well? Do you know how to tell the difference between healthy people and unhealthy people? Do you know what a healthy relationship is? <br /><br />These are all big, complicated questions. However, when the answer to those questions is "Yes" you have nothing to fear in meeting new people. When you trust yourself to tell the difference between a keeper and a throwback, dating becomes fun again. When you are able to quickly identify and cut loose the ones who are not worthy of your love you will always be safe. <br /><br />If you're finding it hard to put yourself back out there, it could mean that you haven't restored trust yourself yet.<br /><br />Here's how to start repairing your confidence in your own judgment -- do an inventory of your past relationship by answering these questions:<br /><br /><ol>
<li>What did you learn about what you must have in a healthy partnership? </li>
<br />
<li>What were early warning signs that you see now, looking back, that you overlooked at the time? </li>
<br />
<li>Did your strong feelings for your Ex lead you to compromise your values? What are those values?</li>
<br />
<li>What was your quiet, "wise voice" inside of you telling you about the relationship that you chose to not listen to?</li>
<br />
<li> If you had a time machine and knew then what you know now, what would you have done differently in order to protect yourself? </li>
</ol><br />Daring to trust again, like all things, is an invitation to growth. You have the power to create the life and the love that you want. Consider that your heartbreak, as awful as it was, is an invitation for you to learn, grow, and become stronger and wiser. <br /><br />The courage to trust again requires trusting yourself. You have the power to go slow, and choose not to let your feelings overwhelm your inner wisdom. Remind yourself that it takes a long time to get to know people, and that character is revealed over time. Stay true to your values, and yourself. <br /><br />You will feel stronger and more empowered when you remind yourself of these truths:<br />You don't need to immediately trust other people when you trust yourself to make good decisions. And you are worthy of love and respect. (Ideally the last line will link to "Love and Respect" article.<br /><br />With those intentions firmly in mind, you're going to date with confidence - and find a new partner who is worthy of your love and respect too.<br /><br /><br />
<p><strong><a href="http://www.growingself.com/denver-marriage-counselors-life-coaches-therapists/" target="_blank">Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT, BCC</a><a href="http://www.growingself.com/denver-marriage-counselors-life-coaches-therapists/"></a></strong> is the founder of <a href="http://www.growingself.com/">Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver, Colorado</a>, author of “<em><a href="https://www.growingself.com/exaholics-breaking-your-addiction-to-an-ex-love/">Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love</a></em>,” and the host of <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/love-happiness-success-podcast/id858864457?mt=2">The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
<img src="/images/blog/baby showersugar cookies (2).jpg" alt="" /><br />
Staff
2016-10-03T23:34:00Z
The 3 Best Gifts to Give Your Partner
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-3-Best-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Partner/220734879836584094.html
2016-09-27T04:05:00Z
2016-09-27T04:05:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By Devon Loomis</strong><br /><a href="http://www.TheRelationshipCoach.com" target="_blank">TheRelationshipCoach.com</a><br /><br /><br />Not only are you going to thank me after reading this article and seeing the response that you get from your partner, you'll also want to thank me for saving you money. Although many of us enjoy receiving physical gifts, the gifts that I am presenting to you today aren't physical objects and don't cost a dime.<br /><br />Whether you're in a relationship with a man or a woman, these gifts are gender neutral. So, let's get right into it!<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Focusing on the positive:</strong> Have you ever beaten yourself up over something you did or felt that you could have done better? Have you ever had an insecurity that nagged at you and drained your energy? Of course you haven't- because you're an alien.<br /><br /> Knowing that we all deal with insecurities and battle negative self-talk gives us the perfect opportunity to create a gift for our partner out of thin air.<br /><br />Here's how the gift works: Focus on the things that you admire about your partner. This is especially useful if there is tension in the relationship and you find yourself focusing on the things that you dislike about that person.<br /><br />Every time you notice yourself focusing on things that you dislike about your partner-- things that you wish weren't there or that you wish they would improve-- place your attention on something that you do appreciate about that person. <br /><br />When someone is feeling negatively judged, they are less likely to change and typically shut down. Conversely, when someone gets the sense that you are appreciating them, they feel supported and are more likely to open up and connect. In turn, they are more likely to become more sensitive to your needs and desires. It turns into a symbiotic gift exchange between both partners.<br /><br /><em>Remember that whatever you focus on tends to expand. So focus on the positive and you will experience more of that.</em></li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Dedication:</strong> I have found that when I usually bring up the topic of dedication, most people think of being loyal. Although I would say that's definitely a big part, I'm going to delve into the topic a bit deeper.<br /><br />When I speak of dedication, I am speaking of a dedication to being the best partner that you can be. It means bringing awareness to, and taking responsibility for projecting your own insecurities and negative beliefs onto your partner.<br /><br />It means tuning into your partner and finding the most effective way to communicate with them because communication is at the core of any relationship. It also means a dedication to working through issues that arise and not running away from them.<br /><br /><em>The gift of dedication is a dedication to being the best partner that you can be.</em></li>
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<li><strong>Focused love:</strong> To explain this gift, I reference the world of acting. If you were to watch a movie and the actor wasn't really feeling their role, it would show. You would be able to feel the disconnection which is a stark contrast from when an actor is fully present and embodied in their role.<br /><br />Even if we actually do love our partners and are not acting, how often are we fully present with them? Focused love means really listening to what your partner is saying without desiring to say something in response before they have finished. It means placing all of our attention on them when we are with them in a conversation or an embrace.<br /><br />We may find it difficult to be fully present with our busy lives and busy minds, but if we take just a little bit of time when we are together to be fully present and focus our love on our partner, we would see our connections grow much deeper.<br /><br /><em>The gift of focused love brings with it peace, authentic connection, and profound pleasure. </em></li>
</ol><br />Give these gifts regularly, and I ensure that you will be pleasantly surprised by the many ways your partner expresses their gratitude. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Devon Loomis</strong> is a relationship coach and is passionate about creating inspiring conversations around romantic love. He is known as <a href="https://www.facebook.com/therelationshipcoachd/" target="_blank">The Relationship Coach</a> and is the person many counselors, coaches, and therapist turn to for help with their own romantic lives. For more information, visit <a href="http://www.TheRelationshipCoach.com" target="_blank">www.TheRelationshipCoach.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/spouse222.jpg" alt="" /><br />
Staff
2016-09-27T04:05:00Z
Online Dating After Divorce? You're a Perfect Target for Scammers
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Online-Dating-After-Divorce-Youre-a-Perfect-Target-for-Scammers/-524561609636507052.html
2016-09-20T04:05:00Z
2016-09-20T04:05:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By Lindsey Ellison</strong><br /><a href="http://lindseyellison.com/" target="_blank">lindseyellison.com</a><br /><br />If you're divorced, you might be itching to find love again, especially if you experienced years of an unhappy marriage. But your search for love can also make you appear vulnerable to scammers on online dating sites, and your profile may be showing more information about you than you realize.<br /><br />"<em>Don't give away too much about yourself - don't tell them everything</em>," said Linda, a 54-year-old divorcee, who has been scammed three times via online dating sites. "<em>They watch what you do for a living and look for women who are caregivers like nurses or teachers. It tells them that you are selfless, and soon enough they'll be asking you for money.</em>"<br /><br />Linda, whose last name has been omitted to protect her privacy, was married for 28 years and separated a year ago. She was optimistic about the potential of online dating, as it could connect her to men outside her small, rural town outside of Boston, MA. But within days of her creating a profile on a popular dating site, she met her first scammer. <br /><br />"<em>He fell in love with me overnight," Linda said. "He would say, 'You're so wonderful, I think I'm falling in love with you,' without even having met him.</em>"<br /><br />Her suitor told her he was from Greece and lived in New Jersey, working as a contractor. They talked over the phone for two months, but every time they would plan to meet, he would cancel at the last minute. Linda felt something was off about him after he asked her for money, so she hired a private investigator to check him out. She was shocked to find out that her potential love was a 20-year old from Nigeria, who had a history of scamming women for money. <br /><br />Romance scams cost nearly 5,900 victims more than $86.7 million last year, according to the FBI's <a href="https://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx" target="_blank">Internet Crime Complaint Center</a>. A 2014 study conducted by <a href="http://www.aarp.org/" target="_blank">AARP</a> found that certain negative life experiences such as feeling isolated/lonely, divorce, or family/relationship problems put people at risk for being scammed online. <br /><br />Therefore, what you write in your dating profile can be huge indicator to scammers that you are vulnerable, need rescuing, or willing to give money to a love interest just to hold on to them. <br /><br />Some indicators you should avoid in your profile are sharing too much about your divorce journey or using particular language that shows you are sad or lonely. <br /><br />But managing the language of your dating profile is still a defensive method to fend off scammers and bad guys. To take more proactive measures, you can actually investigate and rate your date using the online site, Undolus.com. Co-Founder <a href="http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/the-audacious-life/e/kala-spigarelli-on-dating-safely-on-and-offline-45138791" target="_blank">Kala Spigarelli</a> chose the site's name based on the Latin word Dolus, which means 'deceit' or 'trickery.'<br />
<blockquote>My sister and I were tired of seeing women get scammed or hurt in the dating process, said Spigarelli. So we created a website that empowers women with the tools to investigate their date, as well as anonymously share their dating experiences within a closed, women-only membership platform.</blockquote>
The website gives you important details about your date including his name and address, date of birth, criminal record, as well as property and business ownership information. It will also tell you if he has filed for bankruptcy or if he's been evicted, as well as other pertinent information you won't be able to find with a Google search. <br /><br />Think of <a href="http://undolus.com/" target="_blank">Undolus.com</a> as the <a href="https://www.tripadvisor.com/" target="_blank">TripAdvisor</a> to dating, where you can search the name of the man you are dating, and see if he has a profile of good or bad reviews. But unlike the travel site, you aren't allowed to bash your date or use slander. Rather, you are asked to answer a number of questions like, "<em>Did he call after the first date?</em>" which will tally your feedback and rate his dating potential. <br /><br />Spigarelli warns newbie or post-divorce daters, particularly women over 50, to be cautious and proactive. "<em>Don't just be a sitting duck and wait for something bad to happen</em>," Spigarelli said. "<em>Now you can do something about it. Take charge and know who you're dating, before you fall in love.</em>"<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Lindsey Ellison</strong> is founder of Start Over. Find Happiness, a coaching practice that helps women navigate through their divorce and break ups. She specializes in helping women break free from their partners, and offers a free webinar on how to so. Click <a href="http://breakfreewebinar.respond.ontraport.net/ongoingregistrations" target="_blank">here</a> to access the webinar. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/IfYOU2.jpg" alt="" /><br />
Staff
2016-09-20T04:05:00Z
The Second Half of Life Relationship Rules: Six Ways to Keep the Fires Burning till Death Do Us Part
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Second-Half-of-Life-Relationship-Rules:-Six-Ways-to-Keep-the-Fires-Burning-till-Death-Do-Us-Part/-639504957926965478.html
2016-09-13T00:02:00Z
2016-09-13T00:02:00Z
<strong><br />by Sharkie Zartman</strong><br /><a href="http://sharkiezartman.com/" target="_blank">sharkiezartman.com</a><br /><br /><br />Being married for any length of time is truly an accomplishment these days. Just last week a woman asked how long I had been married and when I said forty years this July, her eyes got huge and she said, "<em>To the same person? How is that possible?</em>"<br /><br />When we got married people were taking bets on how long our marriage would last. The average bet was between two weeks and two years because of our age difference and personalities. Let's just say, my husband is calm, wise and conservative and I am the exact opposite. I do remember feeling really shaky when I said my vows... "<em>for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part</em>." Now that's a huge promise! Could I really do this?<br /><br />Flash forward forty years. We are still married, happy and love each other, although it hasn't been an easy road and our relationship has been tested on many occasions, and I'm sure more will come as we navigate through our senior years. <br /><br />Someone once said, "<em>I married you for better or worse, but not for breakfast and lunch.</em>" I never really understood that until now. Obviously, when couples first get married, it is exciting challenging, romantic and fun. And then if children come along, the marriage gets even more interesting and challenging as people try to raise their kids, together. But after the kids are gone, and retirement looms, people start to feel displaced as their roles in life change. Who are we without our careers and kids? What do we have to talk about? And why do we keep bumping into each other in the kitchen?<br /><br />So in order to keep a marriage going all the way to the end, here are six rules of engagement to keep the fires burning.<br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Stay Vibrant and Interesting!</strong> Continue to learn and try new experiences. You can do this as a couple or individual. No on likes to get stuck in a boring routine or a mundane life, so make sure you keep reinventing both yourself and you as a couple.</li>
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<li><strong>Have Date Night at Least Twice a Month.</strong> It's important to have something to look forward to and it doesn't have to be fancy. Just carving out a special time together is meaningful, thoughtful, and fun!</li>
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<li><strong>Make Sure You Don't "<em>Let Yourself Go</em>." </strong> Even though our partners have probably seen us at our most unattractive, we need to continue to make an effort to look appealing to our spouse. Try to stay fit, have good hygiene and take good care of you. Doing so is imperative if we want to keep the intimacy going in the marriage. No one likes to sleep with a slob.</li>
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<li><strong>Listen! We have Two Ears and One Mouth for a Reason. </strong> Communication is essential for long-term relationships. To have someone who actually listens to you is one of the best gifts you can get from your marriage and give to your partner.</li>
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<li><strong>Never Go to Bed Mad at Your Partner. </strong>A friend once told me that when he and his wife have an argument that can't be resolved, they "<em>fight naked</em>." He said that it is impossible to keep arguing when you are in bed close to the one you love. My husband and I haven't tried this one yet, but we won't count it out.</li>
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<li><strong>Never Take Your Partner for Granted.</strong> Always show appreciation, even for small acts of kindness and help. And don't forget to say those magic three words, at least once a day: I LOVE YOU!</li>
</ol><br />These rules seem simple, but how many couple do you know who don't abide by any of them? Are they happy? Are they fun to be around? I saw an older couple at a restaurant the other day and they just sat there, ate their food, and never spoke or even looked at each other. It was sad! <br /><br />So keep the fires burning and love the one you're with. All it takes is a little effort, ingenuity, and a lot of love. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Sharkie Zartman, MA</strong> is a college professor, a former All-American volleyball athlete and award winning volleyball coach. She hosts "<em><a href="http://www.healthylife.net/RadioShow/archiveSP.htm" target="_blank">Sharkie's PEP Talk</a></em>" on <a href="http://tunein.com/radio/HealthyLifeNet-Radio-s44870/" target="_blank">Healthy Life radio</a>, is a certified health coach and is the author of five books, including "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Take-Aging-Sport-Athletic-Approach/dp/1628652993" target="_blank">Take on Aging as a Sport</a>.</em>" She helps people take an empowered approach to life and aging so they can have optimal health and success at any age. <a href="http://sharkiezartman.com/" target="_blank">www.sharkiezartman.com</a> . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<span> </span> <br />
<p><br /><img src="/images/blog/2howdoyouknow.jpg" alt="" /></p>
Staff
2016-09-13T00:02:00Z
Ladies: Successful Marriage is an Art, and a Talent Worth Pursuing
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ladies:-Successful-Marriage-is-an-Art,-and-a-Talent-Worth-Pursuing/193597860720126652.html
2016-08-23T00:02:00Z
2016-08-23T00:02:00Z
<strong><br />by Ramona Zabriskie</strong><br /><a href="http://ramonazabriskie.com/" target="_blank">ramonazabriskie.com<br /><br /><br /></a>For decades now, people have admired the rapport between my husband and I. Whether we're presenting on stage together, or chatting with friends in our living room, the chemistry is obvious and apparently enviable. A curiosity. Where, I've been asked, does it come from?
<p>If only I could take my inquirers to Paris. Because my answer is there, in the <a href="http://www.louvre.fr/en" target="_blank">Louvre Art Museum</a>, specifically in the "<em>Salle des Etats</em>", where Mona Lisa sits composed in the midst of constant chaos: hundreds of photographers clamoring for their shot at any given moment. And why not? She is the most famous face in history. What most people don't know about Mona Lisa though, is the fact that it took forty-plus years to create her--at least it took that long for Renaissance man, Leonardo da Vinci, to become expert enough, to craft his masterpiece. <br /><br />And therein lies the answer to our question, "<em>Where does a charmed marriage come from?</em>" <br /><br />Deep down, despite Hollywood producers and those steamy novelists, we all know that people in successful relationships are neither wholly lucky nor naturally talented. Think Leonardo. The world considers him the most talented man in history, yet it took years of concerted study and practice for him to earn that reputation. And crafting relationships is not so different from crafting a fine piece of art: it is, in of itself, an art form, and artistry connotes mastery, a unique flair, even a stroke of genius. Artistry also however, connotes persistence, patience, practice, and preparation. As Michelangelo put it: "<em>If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all.</em>" <br /><br />Thus, as nice as it would be to believe that lasting love is a force of nature, God, or serendipity (rather than hard-won skill), kidding ourselves that way leaves us very vulnerable. We're primed for disillusionment; the romance-buster of all time. When early lovers paint with wide brush-strokes and bold colors, they are feeding off an adrenaline-charged kind of faith ("<em>where you jump across an abyss</em>" as Jean-Paul Sartre describes it) and adrenaline always runs out (half-way cross the abyss).<br /><br />If the relationship is to thrive, let alone survive - if disillusionment is to be avoided or overcome - then a different kind of faith has to come into play: a faith in our self and our loved one that is intentionally cultivated. That leap from blind faith to deliberate faith is not happenstance, however; it is an undertaking, and it requires far more than an evangelist's zeal for romance. The woman who sets out to create fine art patiently employs self-development and education like oil paint: correcting and blending the relationship as she advances in her understanding and skill set. <br /><br />Will the lifetime effort to hone such talent be worth it, in spite of one's upbringing, instinctive aptitude, or luck of the draw? There are no guarantees of course, but consider the alternatives. Demanding that ongoing, authentic intimacy can and must come "<em>naturally</em>" - is in reality, a glossing over of the details and a forfeit of personal responsibility. The inevitable result of that presumption is a "<em>rickety-stairs</em>" kind of relationship: every step requires so much concentration (clinging to an unsteady rail, tensing at every creak and loose board) that a woman's productivity is incredibly compromised. <br /><br />In a carefully crafted marriage, on the other hand, love is not about trepidation, it's about trust; trust that is given and received, not like some high-stakes gamble, but more like pennies in a piggy bank, steadily accumulating over time. Inside her purposeful relationship, a "<em>talented</em>" woman becomes rich day by day, ascending the stairway of her life with confidence, free to make the most of her other gifts and ambitions. <br /><br />In this way, my own marriage has, over nearly 40 years, gone from disillusionment to faith, from finger-painting to masterpiece, culminating in a legacy-love kind of romance. When did our rickety staircase turn into a solid ladder? I remember clearly. It was the moment I realized, four days from divorce court, that to experience an artisan marriage, I'd have to dump dumb luck, rather than my husband, and become a Leonardo myself. <br /><br />Love is the "<em>art</em>" in the art of living.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Ramona Zabriskie</strong>, is a wife of 38 years, is the multi-award winning author of "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wife-Life-Power-Succeed-Marriage/dp/0692273883/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=" target="_blank">Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage</a></em>" and founder of the highly acclaimed <a href="http://ramonazabriskie.com/wife-for-life-101/" target="_blank">Wife for Life University</a>, a one-of-a-kind virtual school for women that prepares and transforms marriages through a step-by-step, principle based approach via live mentoring, classes, and community. Watch Ramona's free information-packed webinar, "<em>Your Power to Succeed in Marriage</em>" on demand at <a href="http://ramonazabriskie.com/" target="_blank">ramonazabriskie.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/loveiseasy.jpg" alt="" /> </p>
Staff
2016-08-23T00:02:00Z
5 Warning Signs That Your Partner May Not Be Good In A Crisis
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Warning-Signs-That-Your-Partner-May-Not-Be-Good-In-A-Crisis/-183301105523028364.html
2016-08-15T23:18:00Z
2016-08-15T23:18:00Z
<strong><br /></strong>
<p>Sometimes the very things we find attractive in someone may actually be warning signs that they may not be good for us in the long run. Those high expectations that make him a success in business, may turn to unnecessary pressure in a crisis. That dramatic flair that makes him exciting, may actually keep him from being a comfort to you in a time of need. Here are 5 warning signs that your guy may not be good in a crisis.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>He can't go with the flow.</strong><br />How does he react when things don't go according to plan? When you get stuck in traffic does he freak out? How about when plans change at the last minute? What does he do when you're late? If your partner sweats the small stuff, don't assume he'll rise to the occasion when there's a real crisis. Instead, what you see is probably what you'll get. Most people don't change personalities during a crisis. In fact, most revert to type. The guy who freaks out when there's a change of plan, may not be able to handle the uncertainties of a health crisis, or have the flexibility he needs to be a great parent. </li>
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<li><strong>He has friends or family he chooses not to speak to anymore.</strong><br />This is a big red flag. Anyone who is capable of cutting people out of their lives has the ability to see the world as black and white. The truth is that relationships, and life in general, have a lot of gray matter. The more forgiving someone is, the more empathy they have and the more supportive they are likely to be. Make sure you get the story on why he's pushed someone away and ask yourself if you'd do the same. </li>
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<li><strong>He is a perfectionist.</strong><br />There's a big difference between someone with high expectations and a perfectionist. A perfectionist is defined in Merriman Webster dictionary as: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness. Need I say more? When a crisis hits, sometimes all you can do is get through the day. A perfectionist can't let go of expectations and that pressure can be debilitating for someone going through a difficult time. </li>
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<li><strong>He talks much more about himself than you to his friends and family.</strong><br />A supportive partner will be excited to share your accomplishments. He will be sure to mention how well you're doing at work, or even some small thing that you've done that he's proud of. An unsupportive partner will fail to mention both the big and small things that happen in your world. Instead, he will focus only on what he himself has done. This type of partner may resent the attention you receive during a crisis. </li>
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<li><strong>He's dramatic. </strong><br />If your guy is the type who seems to create drama wherever he goes, a crisis may bring out the chance for even more. Instead of being the calm in your storm, he may bring on the thunder and add to your emotional burden. </li>
</ol>
<p> <br />So, now that you see the flags, what do you do? You may not need to kick your guy to the curb right now (unless you checked off every single one of these traits), but it's good to take stock. Ask yourself how YOU are in a crisis? What do you need during your times of need? Maybe you are the strong one and you like it that way. Or maybe you get tired of always being the one who has to be stoic. Maybe the more intense he gets, the calmer you get and his demeanor doesn't stress you out. If, on the other hand, you wind each other up, it may be time to think about making a change. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Andrea Hutton</strong> is a critically acclaimed author, speaker and breast cancer survivor. Her work on breast cancer and women's wellness has been featured such varied outlets as: <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/" target="_blank">The Washington Post</a>, <a href="http://www.womenshealthmag.com/" target="_blank">Women's Health</a> and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/" target="_blank">Psychology Today</a>. As a breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate who has "<em>been there, had that</em>" Andrea Hutton is on a mission to empower and educate women on how to take charge of their own health. Andrea is the author of <em>"<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Bald-Better-Earrings-Survivors-Getting/dp/0062375652/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1471648577&sr=1-1&keywords=Bald+is+Better+with+Earrings+-+A+Survivor%27s+Guide+to+Getting+Through+Breast+Cancer" target="_blank">Bald is Better with Earrings - A Survivor's Guide to Getting Through Breast Cancer</a>" </em>(HarperCollins 2015). She is also a State Leader for the <a href="https://www.youngsurvival.org/" target="_blank">Young Survival Coalition</a>, a graduate of Duke University and the <a href="http://www.breastcancerdeadline2020.org/get-involved/training/project-lead/?referrer=https://www.google.com/" target="_blank">National Breast Cancer Coalition's prestigious Project Lead advocacy training program</a>. For more information visit <a href="http://www.andreahutton.com/" target="_blank">www.andreahutton.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/days.jpg" alt="" /> </p>
Staff
2016-08-15T23:18:00Z
Six Secrets to Grow in Your Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Six-Secrets-to-Grow-in-Your-Marriage/102677412394828096.html
2016-06-20T18:59:00Z
2016-06-20T18:59:00Z
<strong><br />by Dr. Janna Fond</strong><br /><a href="http://jannafond.com/" target="_blank">www.jannafond.com</a><br /><br />
<p>You hear it again and again: "After I got married I stopped having time for myself." Cooperation is a healthy part in a relationship. The trick is to grow together, and as the old saying goes, to 'row in the same direction.'<br /><br />Growing in a long-term marriage takes skill. Marriages that stagnate become ripe for problems. So how do you grow in your marriage? Just like the flowers and trees all relationships need water and sunlight, a little tending to pull up the weeds and a little talk to help them grow along.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Be Present.</strong> <br />Being present can mean staying off your smart phone during meal times or whenever you're together. It requires truly listening to what your partner is saying. It means actually focusing on the person in the room rather than thinking about the four other places you could be. When you are present with your spouse, they're made to feel important, validated, and treasured. Again, this pays dividends. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt. </strong><br />If your spouse takes an interest in something that doesn't immediately include you, don't react with suspicion or anger. If they say suggest that going off and doing it will make them a better spouse, they might be right. So long as their new interest doesn't risk anyone's physical or emotional well-being, it would be wise to believe in them rather than ripping their idea to shreds. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and support pays huge dividends. </li>
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<li><strong>Praise. Don't Punish. </strong><br />We're all going to fail sometime. And who's the first person we talk to when we're disappointed or scared? If your other half has experienced a set-back or disappointment, it's not productive to berate or find fault. Find something, anything that you can say positive about their effort. Now I'm not suggesting that you lie. Be authentic. A little praise at the right time goes a long way. </li>
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<li><strong>Affection.</strong> <br />Affection is like talking to your plants. Our spouses need those same words, that same touch. How much? Well, that's up to you. Sometimes one member of a relationship puts a heavier emphasis on affection more than the other. Sometimes, we're just feeling a little needy. A simple hand on the shoulder, rub of the arm, a kiss on the cheek or rubbing their back shows that you care.</li>
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<li><strong>Communicate.</strong> <br />Marriages become routine. Partners assume the other can read their mind. As a professional psychotherapist, I always tell my clients not to assume. Being able to regularly share thoughts, ideas and feelings is critical. We lead busy lives, so a frequent excuse for not communicating even the basic events of our day is "I just don't have time."<br /><br />Well, everyone is busy. Your spouse is busy. But if you want them to stay your spouse, open your mouth and tell them what's going on. Ask how their day was. The few minutes it takes to 'check in' and ask how your spouse is doing says 'I value you and what you're doing. You're not alone.' This sharing of ideas and experiences is crucial.</li>
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<li><strong>Find an Activity. </strong><br />The best couples share common activities. Identify what you both derive pleasure from. Maybe you haven't done it lately. Brainstorm up a little excursion. Plan a getaway. Maintaining routine is important, but taking time out to enjoy being with each other in an activity that isn't doing errands is a way to spread growth.</li>
</ol>
<p><br />All six of these ideas can help lead to positive growth in your relationship. Every good relationship is planted in fertile ground; when things become too routine, it's as if that dirt has been stripped of all the important minerals and nutrients. Whatever gets planted in there won't be as strong as it can be. <br /><br />But when we revitalize that soil, replenish the nutrients, what comes back will be twice as strong as before. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Janna Fond, PsyD, LMFT </strong>is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has helped thousands of clients over the years dealing with numerous issues from family and personal relationships to intimacy and deeper couples problems. Her new book, "<em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Will-Psychology-Spirituality-Ourselves-ebook/dp/B015I3JKHM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466547556&sr=8-1&keywords=Everything+Will+Be+OK%3A+Blending+Psychology+and+Spirituality+to+Heal+Ourselves" target="_blank">Everything Will Be OK: Blending Psychology and Spirituality to Heal Ourselves</a></em>", offers practical reassurance on how to overcome challenges that seem impossible to resolve. For more information visit <a href="http://jannafond.com/" target="_blank">www.jannafond.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/Never ask permission to do something compassionate (1).jpg" alt="" /> </p>
Staff
2016-06-20T18:59:00Z
Relationship Negotiation 101
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Relationship-Negotiation-101/-142765003161201452.html
2016-05-30T14:43:00Z
2016-05-30T14:43:00Z
<strong><br />by <strong>Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA</strong><strong> </strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.dougnoll.com" target="_blank">www.dougnoll.com</a><br /><br />
<p>Relationship negotiation doesn't sound very romantic or sexy, but it is the foundation upon which love is based. Without strong, conscious relationship negotiating skills, couples are bound for disappointment and frustration. Here are four principles of relationship negotiation.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Principle 1: Fairness is What You Create, Not What You Deserve</strong><br /><br />We live by a myth that life is supposed to be fair to us. If we follow "the rules," eat our vegetables, be nice, and work hard, we will be rewarded for our goodness. In relationships, the myth is that if I am nice, loving, kind, and affectionate, my partner will reciprocate. There is just enough truth in the myth to make it believable, but it's mostly bogus. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to fairness. There, I said it. If you want to be treated fairly, you have to work at it. Fairness is not some gift bestowed by your fairy godmother. On other hand, a good life is not about grabbing everything you can for yourself to the exclusion of everyone else. That's not fair either, to you or to those around you. There has to be a balance, and that balance is created by you through relationship negotiation. Fairness is what you create, not what you think you are entitled to because you are good person.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Principle 2: You Have to Ask for What You Want</strong><br /><br />As infants and small children, we could not ask for what we needed. We could only make a lot of noise to get someone's attention. It was up to someone else to figure out whether we needed a diaper change or a bottle. Miraculously, Mom or Dad appeared and took care of us. While we learned out to negotiate many other aspects of our lives as adults, we were never taught how to ask for what we needed and wanted in relationships. Instead, we carry a belief that our unspoken needs will be recognized by our partner and met magically. Of course, when that doesn't happen, we feel rejected, frustrated, unloved, and neglected. The principle is that you have to ask for what you want in your relationship. Whatever it is that you want is not going to appear out of the blue. If you don't make your needs known to your partner, don't expect him or her to read your mind.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Principle 3: Don't Be Afraid of "No"</strong><br /><br />The corollary to having the courage to ask for what you want is having the courage to accept "No" with grace. Just because you ask, doesn't mean that you get. You must give your partner free choice without guilt-tripping him or her into capitulating to you. If you ask for a hug and your partner says, "No," you have a great opportunity to find out why. Maybe the timing is not right. Maybe the place is not right. Maybe your partner is in another mind-set at the moment. Your best response is not to get angry or feel rejected, but to negotiate. If not now, how about hug in 15 minutes. "No" is usually never the final answer. The secret is to welcome a "No" as an opportunity to negotiate something better later. Most importantly, "No" is rarely a rejection of you. If you take the time to find out what is going on, you will learn that the "No" is all about your partner, and not about you.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Principle 4: Doormats Are For Dirty Feet</strong><br /><br />Relationships are about power. When couples feel like the power is balanced, the relationship tends to be happier and more fulfilling. When one or the other partner feels disempowered, the relationship is in difficulty. Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. If your desire for love, attachment, and bonding is so great that you suppress your own needs, you are in deep trouble. Learn how to take care of your needs by having the courage to say "No." This is the flip-side of Principle 3: Don't be afraid to say "No" when you need to. Be prepared for anger and rejection and question the maturity of the relationship if your partner throws a tantrum. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA</strong> is an award-winning lawyer, author, speaker, and trainer. After a successful two-decade career as a trial lawyer, he devoted himself to understanding the root causes of human conflict. Today, he shares his knowledge with those interested in transforming their lives and relationships from drama and chaos to peace and love. For more strategies visit <a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank">www.dougnoll.com</a><strong>.</strong> <span>See more at: </span><a href="http://www.parentingbookmark.com/" target="_blank">www.parentingbookmark.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2016-05-30T14:43:00Z
Fun, Fabulous and Single
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fun,-Fabulous-and-Single/531408314674440837.html
2016-02-16T00:00:00Z
2016-02-16T00:00:00Z
<strong><br />by Petra <strong>Kreatschman </strong></strong><br /><a href="http://petralovecoach.com" target="_blank">Petralovecoach.com</a><br /><br /><br />Are you that girl nobody can believe is still single… to the point it’s getting really annoying to hear that again and again?<br /><br />You have a great career, wonderful friends, cool hobbies and a full life. You are fun, smart, hot, independent and accomplished, yet - no serious takers in the romantic department.<br /><br />You can’t help but wonder: where here are all the great men? Taken? Busy exploring some remote wilderness or saving hungry children? Do they even exist?<br /><br />You are a great catch, yet men either don’t stick around or simply can’t keep up with you. Most can’t get enough of you at first, but that quickly wears out and they disappear without a trace.<br /><br />One day they’re crazy about you, the next they’re ignoring your messages.<br /><br />You got used to rejection, but it still stings. It’s hard not to take it personally. Maybe you need to tone it down, hide your qualities and accomplishments, talk less?<br /><br />What if men don’t want to date a woman who has it all sorted out? Are they just looking for damsels in distress? No matter how confident you are, doubt creeps in. What if there is something wrong with you? What if nobody will love you just the way you are?<br /><br />You are partially right. Many men will be intimidated and scared by you. But they are not the men you should be dating in the first place. If they stuck around, you’d soon see they are not the right match for you.<br /><br />To find those who are, you don’t have to tone down your personality, but quite the opposite – be proud of all you are and all you have to give.<br /><br />If you keep attracting guys who don’t appreciate the real you – you’re probably still unsure if the real you is loveable enough. <br /><br />Confidence comes in many varieties – it’s not all inclusive. You may be very confident about your worth in work or friendships, but not so much when it comes to your desirability as a partner.<br /><br />That’s why you attract men who run away and don’t appreciate your whole package – you don’t value it enough either. When you’re not sure of your value, others doubt it too.<br /><br />If you date immature, irresponsible men who need a nanny instead of a girlfriend – it’s because you feel you always have to be the strong one, and take care of all of your needs. You won’t let men see your weaknesses and act like you don’t need them – and the only ones who find that appealing are those who need taking care of.<br /><br /><strong>You don’t need to change to meet your match. But you will have to change some of your beliefs. The ones that stand in your way sound something like this:</strong><span> <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>All good men are taken. </li>
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<li>Men don’t like strong/confident/accomplished women (or fear them). </li>
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<li>I don’t need anyone’s help, I can do everything myself. </li>
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<li>All men are immature boys – they just need a mommy, not a partner. </li>
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<li>Maybe there is something wrong with me and I am not the type men want to marry. </li>
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<li>I can’t be myself otherwise I’ll scare them off. </li>
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<li>I am too intense and that’s not feminine or attractive. </li>
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<li>I am too good for them all. </li>
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<li>There is not enough choice – I’ll have to settle.</li>
</ul>
</span><br />You can find your match, but you have to look for him the right way. First, you have to know you are worthy of love, just as you are. Without a doubt.<br /><br />Second, you have to believe the right guy exists. He is a rare breed, but so are you. You won’t be happy with anything less. So don’t settle. No half-solution will ever satisfy a girl like you.Once you’re sure you can make someone happy just as you are, and you know he is out there somewhere, you’ll stop wasting your time with wrong men. With the insecurities gone, you will easily attract the right ones. Or more precisely – the right one.<br /><ol> </ol><br /><ol> </ol>
<p><strong>Petra Kreatschman </strong>is a love and relationship coach, guide and mentor. She connects with men and women from all over the world sharing her love tips through her popular blog <a href="http://petralovecoach.com" target="_blank">Petralovecoach.com</a>, online courses and individual coaching. She is happily married today, but has been on that bumpy road to love and knows very well how hard it is to see what you’re doing wrong, and why you can’t seem to find happiness in love. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2016-02-16T00:00:00Z
Take a Turn Toward Trust: Stop Second Guessing Bad Behavior
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-a-Turn-Toward-Trust:-Stop-Second-Guessing-Bad-Behavior/343276186977239418.html
2016-02-09T00:00:00Z
2016-02-09T00:00:00Z
<strong><br />by Nancy Nichols</strong><br /><a href="http://www.knowitallnancy.com" target="_blank">www.knowitallnancy.com</a><br /><br /><br />You know in your core that your partner is lying, manipulating and verbally battering you. Your heart wants to believe his convincing excuses for his wounding behavior, but your gut wrenches because he can't fool your internal knowing.<br />True personal power comes when you can depend on yourself to make the important decisions in your life.<br /><br /><strong>Let's be honest for half-a-minute...</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Do you trust your gut instincts about a person-or do they draw you in with their flattery and charm and then you discover are a self-absorbed, backstabber?</li>
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<li>Do you sometimes date a man (or woman) and you secretly question their honesty, reliability or motives, but you keep dating them anyway?</li>
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<li>Do you constantly seek advice from your friends about the man (or woman) you are dating because you don't trust your judgment about them?</li>
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<li>Does your boyfriend or husband (girlfriend or wife) mistreat you and then they deny their wounding behavior and talk you out of your hurt feelings?</li>
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<li>Do you constantly rely on others to help you make the large and small decisions in life? </li>
</ul>
<strong>Are you afraid to stand up to the people you love because you don't want to seem irrational, unreasonable or ungrateful?</strong><br /><br />I spent a lifetime questioning my ability to deal with people who were manipulating and controlling. I was afraid to confront a girlfriend who treated me unfairly. I didn't know how to deal with a conniving, two-faced co-worker. I struggled to maintain healthy boundaries with my overbearing mother and calculating daughter. I was afraid to speak out about my boyfriend's unreliable, deceptive behavior because I might falsely accuse him (or I might be overreacting) and he would dump me. <br /><br />I married a man who was shifty and abusive. I knew in my gut that my husband was manipulating me, lying to me and mistreating me, but when I confronted him, he blamed me, telling me I misunderstood what he said and I was hard to get along with. His excuses seemed logical and very convincing-and so I disregarded my intuitive voice, I suppressed my hurt feelings and I kept my mouth shut.<br /><br />Maybe you're like me. You're tired of second guessing yourself about someone's double-talk, deception and inconsiderate behavior. You're tired of backing down to your partner's browbeating, self-serving behavior. You're tired of feeling befuddled, ineffective and weak. You're tired of being the victim.<br /><br />At first, trusting your gut instincts can be scary, awkward and agonizing. Your negative self-talk will tell you: What if you make a mistake? What if you misjudge and hurt someone's feelings? What if you wrongly accuse your partner, they become angry and they leave you?<br /><br /><strong>What if? What if? What if? </strong><br /><br />Take note: People may mistreat, mislead and betray you, but your intuition knows only to influence decisions that are in your best interest.<br /><br /><strong>Behold: 5 Steps That Will Hone Your Intuition:</strong><br /><ol>
<li>Intuition is like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. The more you listen to your internal voice (and not what someone tells you to believe), the more audible becomes the message, the wiser becomes the counsel, and the more significant is the advice. Soon it will become second nature.</li>
<br />
<li>Listen to your internal conversations. Pay attention to your feelings of anger, fear and resentment; examine the root cause of these feelings. Is the culprit your negative mindset, low self-esteem issues-or is it the damaging influence of someone else? Seek the reality of a hurtful relationship and the authenticity of a person. Ignore the criticisms and accusations of others and follow your gut.</li>
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<li>Trust your first instincts about your partner's (or anyone's) questionable, inconsiderate and controlling behavior. Don't react, instead, pause in your thinking and silently question his (or her) words and actions. Don't be swayed by someone's flimsy excuses or boasting, flattering words.</li>
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<li>Intuition is no good without the courage to act on your gut instincts. When you think someone is lying, twisting your words and manipulating you, step out on faith and expose their hurtful behavior. Each time you realize you were right, your confidence and self-esteem will increase.</li>
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<li>Pay keen attention to your <strong>knee-jerk</strong> gut reaction to someone's questionable, unkind remarks and consider their underlying motive. If you feel in your heart, and you think in your head, chances are you are correct in your thinking. If something about a person doesn't sound or feel right, stop immediately and ask yourself, "<strong>WHY?</strong>" When you honor your intuition, you reinforce your core well being.</li>
</ol><br /><ol> </ol><strong><strong>Nancy Nichols</strong></strong> is an expert at the attitudes and behavior that will attract (and KEEP) a man's sincere interest. Don't blow your chances to gain the serious pursuit of a wonderful man. Learn in <a href="http://knowitallnancy.com/books-products/trilogy" target="_blank">Nancy Nichols's Dating and Relationship Trilogy</a>. Sign up for Nancy's Newsletter and receive more strategies on what sparks a man's interest at <a href="http://www.knowitallnancy.com" target="_blank">www.knowitallnancy.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2016-02-09T00:00:00Z
Are You in a Relationship For the Wrong Reason?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-in-a-Relationship-For-the-Wrong-Reason/-289207591209119539.html
2015-12-08T06:38:00Z
2015-12-08T06:38:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By <strong>Peter Sacco</strong></strong><a href="http://90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><a href="http://www.petersacco.com/" target="_blank">petersacco.com</a><br />
<p><br />It is that time of the year again, the season of nostalgia, romance and longing to be with a 'special someone'. Actually, when you think about it, when isn't it that time for many? Okay, I am being a little facetious with the latter remark, but in all actuality, people, yes both men and women begin to yearn to have someone 'special' in their lives once the Holiday season rolls around, and if that isn't enough, the new year brings even more hope, as you know what is right around the corner shortly thereafter... I will type it in a whisper, <em>Valentine's Day</em>. <br /><br />Society, which I use as a generic, trite term seems so hell-bent on people needing to be in relationships all of their adult lives in order to be 'happy'. When you get into the whole notion of relationships and happiness, oh boy--that folks is a whole other can of worms, or book (complete with drama, melodrama and anti-climatic moments)! Relationships are awesome, and yes, should be the goal of most people. <br /><br />Starting a relationship, or staying in one should be done for all of the right reasons. Too often, people stay in them for the wrong reasons, namely they do not want to be alone. Interestingly, people who stay in dysfunctional relationships, the bad ones because they do not want to be alone, often feel lonely. Talk about an oxymoron! <br /><br />A relationship should establish not only a physical connection, but emotional and spiritual connections as well. A relationship should be more than a warm body laying next to you in bed, or staring across from you at the dinner table making small talk, or disagreeing to disagree. It should be about connecting, feeling connected, and evolving together based on similar goals, interests and dreams. <br /><br />Too many people 'just settle', missing out on the potential 'right one' because they are not with the wrong one, rather in the 'wrong relationship' for them.A relationship should be 'healthy' meaning that it adds to your well-being. You are adding to another person's life, rather than tearing someone down, and/or making each other's lives insidiously miserable. <br /><br />Life is too short to be miserable, and too many people choose this discomforting option! Running your own race and maintaining health, peace and joy is a job in its own right for any individual. Having someone tear your life apart and contributing to your unhappiness is not a great way to live, and dare I say, try to derive some enjoyment out of your life. <br /><br />Too many relationships 'exist' or 'endure' over time, rather than being based in enjoying each other--you know, cherish, respect and appreciating the other person for who they are. For some, their relationship status could best be described as possessing the traits of the TV shows Survivor and The Amazing Race, sprinkled with a bit of MAD magazine. Gee, someone out there is waiting for the tribe to speak to vote their spouse off the island before they go crazy!<br /><br />If you are looking to start a relationship, or work on an existing one, then note to 'self'... a relationship should be about accenting and complimenting your life and another's, rather than complicating and becoming the other person's life. Too many people look to establish themselves or their identities based on who they are with. <br /><br />Furthermore, lots of folks get used in relationships, only to feel emotionally and physically drained from them. A good, healthy relationship should be based on reciprocity-- equal giving and taking. People are so different, uniquely talented and possess diverse traits that there will be some parts of a relationship where one can 'give' more than the other, but another part where the other can offset this with their unique giving. When relationships are purely based on 'lust' from the get go, people are more in it to see what they can get out of it!<br /><br />You only get one life, it is not a dress rehearsal! You owe it to yourself, as well as your partner or potential partner to not only be your best self in a relationship, but feel your best because the relationship you are in truly deserves you. Don't fall into the trap of believing you need to be in a relationship to be happy. Relationships are great, but you need to first be happy with you, and be in a satisfying relationship with yourself. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.</strong> has received the Award of Excellence in Teaching and lectures at universities in the US and Canada. He hosts the weekly hit radio show, "<a href="http://www.tvguide.com/tvshows/matters-of-the-mind/340586/" target="_blank">Matters of the Mind</a>," featuring experts and celebrities with whom he discusses mental health, relationships and addiction issues. An award-winning executive producer, he has hosted many documentaries on relationships, psychological issues and child issues. He is the author of 25 books and over 700 articles. For more information visit <a href="http://www.petersacco.com/" target="_blank">www.petersacco.com</a> and <a href="http://bullyingisforthebirds.com/" target="_blank">www.bullyingisforthebirds.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-12-08T06:38:00Z
Five Ways to Shake Off Emotional Toxicity
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ways-to-Shake-Off-Emotional-Toxicity/-468858788276377680.html
2015-12-01T00:30:00Z
2015-12-01T00:30:00Z
<strong><br /></strong><strong>By <strong>Sherianna Boyle</strong></strong><a href="http://90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><a href="http://sheriannaboyle.com/" target="_blank">sheriannaboyle.com</a><br />
<p><br />Emotional toxicity can show up in places where fear, insecurity and helplessness are running high. I myself have encountered it at staff trainings, family gatherings and even at an occasional school PTA meeting. I have also experienced it in grocery store parking lots and while driving around town. Think of emotional toxicity as similar to stepping in mud, only rather than dirt you pick up the energy of negative emotions. Before you know it you start to feel a bit stuck in the mud of emotional contagion which to you and I feels like you are carrying the weight of others. <br /><br />Shaking off these experiences can be a bit of a hassle. The key is awareness. First you have to be aware that you have actually picked up negative energy. To do this, pay attention to what is happening both inside and outside of you. For example, notice if you are having difficulty concentrating. Do you find yourself replaying the negative thoughts or experiences you encountered that day? Also, notice if you are a bit more reactive to normal daily stressors such as standing in line or handling issues with your children. <br /><br />The idea is to develop the skill of observing yourself early on. This will be in your favor when you choose to shake it off later. The reality is, no matter who or what you were exposed to, if you are experiencing it, it is yours. Blaming and venting about others will only disempower the process. The tips below will empower you through. </p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Watch Your Judgments.</strong> Have you ever heard the phrase "You get what you expect?" Notice if you are expecting hassles, conflict or disrespect. It is our judgments which intensify our experiences. When you notice yourself judging, turn the thought into an image in your mind. For example, if you find you are judging someone else's opinion or attitude visualize the beach or a sunset in your mind while breathing. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Reduce Stimulation.</strong> Emotional toxicity can be over stimulating to your nervous system as your body may interpret what is happening as a potential threat. In many ways, your body is attempting to reclaim its balance. You can support yourself back to homeostasis by shutting off fluorescent lights, removing all electronics (even your phone) and taking a couple minutes to breathe in (abdominal rises on inhale) and out (abdominals deflate on exhale) of your nose. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Do Something Different. </strong>Emotional toxicity can be a sign that your brain and body are revisiting an old experience or emotion. It feels overwhelming because it may be actually striking old wounds. Doing something different like taking a shower at night or driving a different route home can be enough to shift your brain in a new direction. It forces you to be in the present moment where these experiences can be more easily released. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Visualize.</strong> When I get slammed with heavy energy I like to visualize myself doing something fun like skiing, swimming or running around on the beach. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Distribute Your Energy. </strong>Emotional toxicity is a sign that your energy is stagnant. Circulating your energy through physical movement (e.g. inhaling your arms up overhead, and exhaling them down by your side) while breathing in and out through your nose will do the trick. After moving your body for a minute or so than take a moment to sit up tall and notice the sensations on your skin. Relax your face and jaw as you do this. This is energy moving. This is emotional toxicity transforming from heavy to light energy which can flow more freely. As a result, you feel more capable, confident and strong. </li>
</ol>
<p>Finally, consider not waiting until you encounter a rough patch. These practices can be strengthened by implementing them daily. Not only will you build resiliency but also the ability to shake things off more easily. <br /><strong><br /><br /><br />Sherianna Boyle</strong> is an adjunct psychology professor and author of five books her most recent being <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PMIGYHS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1" target="_blank">The Four Gifts of Anxiety</a></em> and <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Love-Universal-Love---Authentic-ebook/dp/B0178M3LOO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1449174941&sr=1-1&keywords=Choosing+Love" target="_blank">Choosing Love</a></em>. Her resources and services can be found at <a href="http://sheriannaboyle.com/" target="_blank">www.sheriannaboyle.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
<br />
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-12-01T00:30:00Z
4 Key Elements to Creating a Nurturing and Joyful Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Key-Elements-to-Creating-a-Nurturing-and-Joyful-Marriage/-802205510180928388.html
2015-11-16T23:23:00Z
2015-11-16T23:23:00Z
<strong><br />By Pratima Nagaraj <br /></strong><a href="http://www.pratimanagaraj.com/" target="_blank">www.pratimanagaraj.com<br /><br /></a>
<p>We all look for a secret recipe for a successful marriage, as if following those steps is going to give us the result we desire. The reality is that there is no such universal recipe for successful marriages. It depends on how you use the ingredients, the quantity and quality of them, the time and effort you invest and your personal touch. Every dish has certain key and basic ingredients and if they are missing, you cannot make it. <br /><br />In the same way, every marriage should have certain key elements which are extremely vital in order for it to be successful, joyful, nurturing, caring and expansive. This is something I have personally discovered through my five and a half years of being married and creating a joyful, fun, kind and caring relationship with my husband that has contributed to my personal growth and expansion as well as his.<br /><br />So what are these key elements you wonder? Here is a simplified list. Please be aware that a relationship always begins with you. So these elements can be used to create a loving relationship with you first before you create it with your partner! It is only when you have a nurturing relationship with you personally, you can bring that element to your marriage. </p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Be grateful.</strong> Everything begins with gratitude! Practice being genuinely grateful for your partner, for their presence and contribution to your life. Acknowledge their greatness and their gifts. Take some time out each day to be and express this gratitude. In this process, do not forget to be grateful to yourself! Acknowledge your gifts and greatness and celebrate YOU! When was the last time you said 'thank you' to yourself? Maybe now is the time for it. Only when you are truly grateful for what you already have in your life, you can attract more of it. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Do not judge.</strong> Have you ever been around someone who doesn't judge you? What does it feel like? Am sure you can get the energy of the peace and joy that exists in that space. Judgment is a killer and it always create separation. Every single judgment you have of your partner is like having an invisible wall that creates a separation between both of you. Gratitude and judgment cannot co-exist. So the more you are grateful, the less you judge and the more you feel connected to each other, creating oneness and communion. If you judge yourself, you are separating from you. When you are separated from you, can you truly create a connection and loving relationship with somebody else? Time to stop judging you! </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Never lose yourself.</strong> Embrace your authenticity and the difference that you are. Never give up aspects of you that define you as an individual. Marriage is a communion of two individuals who acknowledge their greatness and uniqueness and not try to bend, fold and compromise or give up themselves in order to fit in to other person's requirements or needs. If you have cut off parts of yourself in order to be in a relationship and you are not present fully, who will your partner connect to? Being your real self, is a great asset to a marriage</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Give up the need to be right. </strong>Many marriages break because of people's need to be right and hold on to or prove the rightness of their points of view. There is nothing wrong about you and your partner having different points of view of about something. That's not a reflection of your compatibility. When your partner doesn't agree to your point of view, it doesn't make you wrong or him/her right. My husband and I always agree to disagree and we never have the need to impel or impose our points of view on each other. It is our way of honoring each other and it eliminates conflict, trauma and drama. Conflicts usually occur and continue because of one person's need to prove the rightness. If you are willing to be wrong in the other person's eyes, without judging yourself as wrong, there can be no conflicts and you can look at what else is possible that you have never considered.</li>
</ol>
<p><br /><strong>Pratima Nagaraj</strong> is an author, speaker, hypnotherapist, transformational coach and an internationally known facilitator with the dynamic body of energy transformational work called Access Consciousness<span style="vertical-align: super;">®. </span>She travels the world facilitating workshops and sessions that empower people to shift and transform any area of their life that's not working for them, so they may create a life they truly desire. For more information, visit <a href="http://www.pratimanagaraj.com/" target="_blank">www.pratimanagaraj.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-11-16T23:23:00Z
3 Reasons Why Many Marriages Self Destruct: What You Don't Know Is In Fact Hurting You
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Reasons-Why-Many-Marriages-Self-Destruct:-What-You-Dont-Know-Is-In-Fact-Hurting-You/-232183391955567515.html
2015-11-02T23:23:00Z
2015-11-02T23:23:00Z
<strong><br />By Jeff Forte</strong><br /><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com</a>
<p><br />You probably know that more than half of all marriages end in divorce.<br /><br />What you may not be aware of is that children of divorce have a higher likelihood of divorce later on when they marry. </p>
<p style="font-size: 120%;"><strong>Why?</strong></p>
Whether we realize it or not, we learn our relationship skills from our parents and the influencers who surrounded us early on in our lives. We also learn what not to do.<br /><br />Our relationship programming is a very powerful thing. <br /><br /><strong>Here are 3 Reasons Why So Many Marriages Fall Apart</strong><br /><br /><strong>1. Failure to Get the Big Picture Right</strong> <br />What's your vision for your marriage? Most people haven't thought about the future of their relationship. They simply go day to day, working towards kids and homes and school and retirement. There is no thinking about sustaining intimacy, deep connection, or love and passion, so it doesn't have much practical importance in our daily lives. Consider the following:<br />
<ul>
<li>What do you want your day to day life together to be about? </li>
<br />
<li>How do you want to feel when you are with this person? </li>
<br />
<li>Why do you love them? </li>
<br />
<li>Why are you with them? </li>
<br />
<li>What do you want your intimacy and connection to look like 5 years from now? Will it be better or worse?</li>
</ul>
There so many day to day stressors that distract us from what's really important that we simply get busy with life and take each other for granted. We take the relationship for granted, expecting it to be there for a lifetime. Nothing works out that way, and our personal happiness suffers as a result. <br /><br /><strong>2. Misalignment on Things that Matter </strong><br />What's most important to you may not matter much to your partner. This creates unending conflicts, unless agreements are created and compromises worked out. You are likely to have very different views on a variety of things about life. Here are some simple examples: <br />
<ul>
<li>Are you aligned on opinions of saving and spending money?</li>
<br />
<li>Are you aligned on how to raise children?</li>
<br />
<li>Are you aligned with how you spend your personal time vs. family time?</li>
<br />
<li>Are you aligned with your views of individual roles and responsibilities around the home?</li>
<br />
<li>Are you aligned on what being married means, in terms of how you demonstrate how you value each other?</li>
</ul>
You can easily understand how differing opinions will impact how you feel about each other. The relationship will suffer when you are not aligned on what you both view as important issues. <br /><br /><strong>3. Blaming Your Problems on Lack of Communication <br /></strong>It's easy to misinterpret relationship struggles as difficulties in communication. Most often they are not. Yes you may not understand each other, and yes you may feel that you can't talk to each other about anything without arguing. But in my opinion, those are not communication challenges. <br /><br />They are symptoms of <em>disconnection</em> between the partners. The close, intimate feelings of connection and affection that you felt early on are no longer there. And you cannot resolve connection by working on communication. You will waste lots of time and money trying. Here's some ways to know it's about connection:<br />
<ul>
<li>Do you love them but are no longer in love with them?</li>
<br />
<li>Have conflicts increased?</li>
<br />
<li>Has communication with each other become a challenge?</li>
<br />
<li>Has intimacy suffered in any way?</li>
<br />
<li>Do you walk on egg shells around them? </li>
</ul>
Many people spend year in traditional counseling working on communication, but far too often the marriage ultimately fails. It's not the remedy that people expect it to be. <br /><br />Couples learn how to understand each other better. They learn how to listen more closely to one another. Each person will voice their opinion of what happened, issue by issue. <br /><br />While all of these things can be helpful, none of them will create feelings of deeper connection with each other. Often just the opposite is experienced, which is why there are over 2 million divorces per year in the USA despite over 50,000 licensed couples counselors. <br /><br />My approach to resolving marital challenges is very different. If you want to learn more about what works and doesn't work in restoring love and passion, you can read my book,<em><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank">The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle</a>.</em> You will find immediately useful ideas and strategies.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Jeff Forte CSIC CME</strong>, author of <strong><em><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/the-90-minute-marriage-miracle/" target="_blank">The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle</a></em></strong>, founder of <strong><a href="http://peakresultscoaching.com/" target="_blank">PEAK Results Coaching</a></strong>, is an Executive Coach specializing in marriage resolution and team dynamics. He holds certifications in Strategic Intervention and Marriage Education and is an expert in divorce prevention and urgent conflict resolution. Clients include Fortune 500 Executives, Business Professionals, Attorneys, Surgeons, Professional Athletes, Teams and Couples. He works with clients all over the world via Skype. For more information visit <strong><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com</a></strong>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-11-02T23:23:00Z
Deepening Intimacy
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Deepening-Intimacy/442768952085350639.html
2015-10-26T20:03:00Z
2015-10-26T20:03:00Z
<strong><br /><br />By Jeff Forte</strong><br /><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com<br /><br /><br /></a>Many couples who reach out to me complain bitterly about a <em>lack of intimacy</em> in their marriages.
<p>Unfortunately, this is often mistaken for communication challenges by traditional couple's counselors and remains unresolved. This is why so many people seek my guidance after failed couples counseling.<br /><br /><strong>In my opinion, lack of intimacy is the #1 cause of divorce. </strong><br /><br /><em>The Intimacy that I'm referring to is far more than sexual ...</em> <br /><br />Real intimacy is also about feelings of closeness, togetherness, warmth, affection and deep connection which will all lead to higher levels of sexual passion. <br /><br /><strong>To what degree do you have that in your marriage?</strong><br /><br />People often rationalize that they've been together too long, or they don't need that in their lives anymore.... and that the sparks of chemistry just kind of die over time. <br /><br />That's nonsense! We get what we are willing to settle for. We get the intimacy that we are willing or not willing to create with our partners.<br /> <br />We get to initiate; closeness, togetherness, warmth, affection, and deep connection... or sit back and wait for our partner to do that.<br /><br />What are you willing to do to restore and elevate intimacy in your marriage? <br /><br /><strong>The problem is not your marriage, the real problem is what you learned and didn't learn about sustaining love and intimacy long-term. </strong><br /><br />In my opinion, lack of intimacy is the #1 reason women have affairs. And when they don't have affairs they either become numb or unhappy, as some part of them dies inside. </p>
<ul>
<li>What are you giving and not giving in your marriage?</li>
<br />
<li>How deeply are you connecting and valuing your partner?</li>
<br />
<li>How are you demonstrating love and when are you not?</li>
<br />
<li>How open and honest are you being and when are you not?</li>
</ul>
If we were to look into the layers of your married life, will we find feelings of deep shared intimacy? <br />
<ul>
</ul>
<div><strong>I help people bring that back into their lives.</strong></div>
<p>You can read my book, <a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/products-services/" target="_blank">The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle</a> and learn some of the strategies that will work quickly to restore connection that leads to heightened intimacy. <br /><br /><em>What you fail to consider about the future of your relationship might be just the thing that causes it to fail.</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Jeff Forte CSIC CME</strong>, author of <strong><em><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/the-90-minute-marriage-miracle/" target="_blank">The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle</a></em></strong>, founder of <strong><a href="http://peakresultscoaching.com/" target="_blank">PEAK Results Coaching</a></strong>, is an Executive Coach specializing in marriage resolution and team dynamics. He holds certifications in Strategic Intervention and Marriage Education and is an expert in divorce prevention and urgent conflict resolution. Clients include Fortune 500 Executives, Business Professionals, Attorneys, Surgeons, Professional Athletes, Teams and Couples. He works with clients all over the world via Skype. For more information visit <strong><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com</a></strong>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2015-10-26T20:03:00Z
Being CEO and the Greatest Wife in the World
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-CEO-and-the-Greatest-Wife-in-the-World/547729352933773689.html
2015-10-19T15:32:00Z
2015-10-19T15:32:00Z
<strong><br /><br />By Jeff Forte</strong><br /><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com</a>
<blockquote>
<p><br /><em>"Ninety percent of this stuff is not that serious, we just get crazy about it."</em> -Ursula Burns CEO Xerox</p>
</blockquote>
It's becoming more and more common to see women at the top of the corporate ladder that has long been dominated by men. Finally many women are being recognized for their tremendous leadership skills and business achievements. <br /><br />Their vision, creativity, and relentless determination to make a difference, is paying big dividends. <br /><br />Can all of this success also translate into an amazing marriage? Absolutely.<br /><br /><br /><strong>3 Ways to Be the Greatest Wife in the World:</strong><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Have a Vision:</strong> You know very clearly what you want in business, and that clarity has helped shape your business success. This clarity of vision is also essential in sustaining the love and passion of your marriage.<br /><br />Knowing what you don't want to feel or happen is not enough. You must know exactly what you do want, or you will get distracted with the little life stressors that pile up and become things that you argue about without knowing why. Your relationship and connection will drift, caught up in unimportant things without any clear vision. What do you want your marriage to optimally look like? How do you want to feel when you are interacting with your partner? What are you working towards building together?</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Use your Creativity:</strong> The skills you use to influence people are abundantly helpful with your partner. Real leadership is not about criticizing and telling people what to do. <br /><em></em>
<blockquote><em>"Leadership is about making people better as a result or your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence." </em>- <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheryl_Sandberg" target="_blank">Sheryl Sandberg</a>, COO of Facebook</blockquote>
Want to shift your interaction with your partner? Your willingness to be creative can change the dynamics of any relationship. You can be light-hearted, fun, and playful, and remember why you love this person and why you are with them. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Get Determined:</strong> In order for any level of business to be sustained, energy must be exerted or the business will ultimately fail. This is also true of a relationship. If left on its own, it will flounder and result in the disconnection of the partners. <br /><br />Turning a business or relationship around requires even more energy, not the same energy that sustains it. Being determined to manifest the vision you want can result in an increased sense of curiosity. What is actually working well between you as a couple? What strategies are you using that aren't working to sustain connection? </li>
</ul>
<br />As the smart, successful person you are, you realize that if a strategy isn't working then it's time to change it and try something new, or the results will continue to be the same. That same relentless determination that you use in business can be beneficial in turning around even the most difficult relationship challenges. <br /><br />Be sure to remember the wisdom of your heart. If you are hurt, bitter, or resentful about what you are not getting, very little will change. Having heartfelt understanding for people is an earmark of a great leader. Your intuition and heart will trump your head in helping you to create the results that you want at home. <br /><br />What's the truth... what's real? Not the old story that might be in your head. Find that and your success is inevitable. <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Jeff Forte CSIC CME</strong>, author of <strong><em><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/the-90-minute-marriage-miracle/" target="_blank">The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle</a></em></strong>, founder of <strong><a href="http://peakresultscoaching.com/" target="_blank">PEAK Results Coaching</a></strong>, is an Executive Coach specializing in marriage resolution and team dynamics. He holds certifications in Strategic Intervention and Marriage Education and is an expert in divorce prevention and urgent conflict resolution. Clients include Fortune 500 Executives, Business Professionals, Attorneys, Surgeons, Professional Athletes, Teams and Couples. He works with clients all over the world via Skype. For more information visit <strong><a href="http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/" target="_blank">90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com</a></strong>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2015-10-19T15:32:00Z
How to Stop Being Manipulated
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Being-Manipulated/-759360591802782012.html
2015-09-28T22:39:00Z
2015-09-28T22:39:00Z
<strong>by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC</strong><br /><a href="http://www.maryjorapini.com" target="_blank">MaryJoRapini.com<br /></a><br />If you've ever been in a relationship with a manipulator, chances are you'll never forget it. You end up being put into situations you don't like being in -- and feel trapped to resist the situation or consequences. In a sense, we are all manipulated into buying something we don't want, or being in a situation we don't like, due to social influence. That's normal and common. But a psychological manipulator is not normal, and it's not healthy. Someone else is using you for his or her purpose, and in a very real sense, you are being exploited for his or her needs. <br /><br />Whether you're dating a manipulator, working for one, or living with one, you'll feel the effects in several areas. <strong>Most manipulators share common characteristics</strong>.<br />
<ul>
<li><strong>They find your weakness and use it against you.</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>They know how to seduce you into giving up something meaningful to you in order to serve their needs.</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>They are repeat offenders. Once they begin using you, they continue until you put a stop to it. </strong></li>
</ul>
It is important to remember that manipulators are not psychologically healthy individuals. They have emotional issues and you can't fix them. Breaking the cycle begins with you taking a stance and advocating for yourself. You'll have to stand up to them and confront them to let them know you mean business. <br /><br />Here are five tips that can help.<br /><br /><ol>
<li>First of all, if you encounter one of these people stay away from this if possible. <strong>Trust your gut</strong>. If you've seen them exploit or use others for their own good, the chances are high they'll use you, too.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Outsmart the manipulator</strong>. Manipulators are hard on your self-esteem and you may begin believing you're not a good person. This is nonsense and a type of brain-washing. Don't let them blame you for what goes wrong. Hold them accountable for their behaviors that led to the consequences they don't like. No one has the right to blame you for unreasonable demands nor do they have a right to always get their own way or demand that you make them happy.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Get comfortable with saying NO</strong>. Manipulators look for non-confrontational people. Don't be that person for them. Confront them when they are being unreasonable. Going along to get along does not work with a manipulator.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Set boundaries</strong>, and if they don't respect them, follow through. Sometimes if the manipulator is at work that means following through with human resources, or if you're married to the manipulator that may mean going to counseling since it is mandatory for the marriage to survive. Then follow through with what you say. Once manipulators know they can break your boundaries, they will continue to.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Manipulators are bullies</strong>. Bullies don't respect feelings. Keeping notes and a paper trail to press charges on a manipulator in your life may be necessary. Having a counselor to help keep you strong while you're protecting yourself from further self-esteem damage is life changing. </li>
</ol><br />Manipulators hurt friendships and relationships at school as well as in work place milieu. They can be charming and disarming, but your gut instinct is not easily fooled. If you have a bad feeling about someone, stay away from him or her. If you find yourself having to work or live with one, set firm boundaries and let them know you see them for who they are. <br />
<p><strong><br />Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, </strong>is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman of <em>Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever</em>. Read more about the book at <a href="http://www.StartTalkingBook.com" target="_blank">StartTalkingBook.com</a> and more about Rapini at <a href="http://www.maryjorapini.com" target="_blank">MaryJoRapini.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-09-28T22:39:00Z
3 Secrets to Attract Your Beloved: Date Your Body First!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Secrets-to-Attract-Your-Beloved:-Date-Your-Body-First!/942078520992063344.html
2015-09-14T18:29:00Z
2015-09-14T18:29:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br /></strong><strong><strong><strong>Isabelle Tierney</strong></strong></strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.bodybeloved.com" target="_blank">www.bodybeloved.com</a><a href="http://conniepodesta.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a><a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a></p>
<p>In looking at what you truly want from a relationship, I'd like to share a secret with you. I have found the greatest romances are ones where we are with our beloved. Someone who truly cherishes nurtures and protects who we are at our core and we do the same for them.<br /><br />In order to find this lasting connection you need to treat yourself with the same love and care you want someone else to treat you with and demonstrate you are capable of this level of relationship. <br /><br />Here are 3 ways to date your body...yes, you are going to date your body and ultimately attract a beloved who will cherish you for life, everyday!<br /><br /></p>
<strong>1. Get to know your body.</strong> <br /><br />Your body is a land of marvel, of wonder, of enchantment, of glory! Can you remember the awe you felt when you were pregnant, knowing that your body was creating life? Do you know that your heart beats 100,000 times a day? That your blood has the same amount of salt as the ocean? That your bones are as strong as steel, but 50 times lighter? <br /><br />When you stop seeing your body as an object to force into an acceptable size and shape, and begin appreciating it as the sacred vessel it is, your life changes in astounding ways. <br /><br /><strong>2. Practice feeling good IN your body.</strong> <br /><br />Your body is capable of so much pleasure! From the sweetness of a breeze on your skin, to the comfort of a warm shower on a cold day, you're constantly given the opportunity to connect with pleasure, if you choose to pay attention. <br /><br />Shaming your body is like putting a giant cement wall between you and pleasure. Can you say "No, thanks!" and practice feeling good instead? Do it because you deserve it, not for anyone else. <br /><br /><strong>3. Love your body no matter what.</strong> <br /><br />If you think you have to lose weight, get rid of your wrinkles, or develop Madonna-like arms to be "attractive-enough", tell yourself kindly but firmly, "YOU ARE WRONG!". <br /><ol> </ol>
<p>Attraction has nothing to do with the way you look. Your first few dates after a divorce may leave you feeling unsure. But, trust me. You can be at your perfect weight and not attract a fly if you believe you are only good-enough because of the way you look!<br /><br />You are attractive when you feel good about yourself and your body. When you can appreciate the unique, astounding miracle that you are. When you can embody the pleasure and sensuality that is available in every cell of your beautiful body. <br /><br />Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her life-changing book "<a href="http://www.clarissapinkolaestes.com/women_who_run_with_the_wolves__myths_and_stories_of_the_wild_woman_archetype_101250.htm" target="_blank">Women Who Run with the Wolves</a>" says it beautifully:</p>
<blockquote>"There is no "supposed to be" in bodies. The question is not size of shape or years of age, or even having two of everything, for some do not. But the wild issue is, does this body feel, does it have right connection to pleasure, to heart, to soul, to the wild? Does it have happiness, joy? Can it, in its own way move, dance, jiggle, sway, thrust? Nothing else matters."</blockquote>
Now, put on that outfit that makes you own the fabulous, exquisite, sensual, and powerful woman that you are, and move, dance, jiggle, and sway your way into your date. Have fun!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Isabelle Tierney, MA, LMFT</strong>, is a pioneering Eating Disorder therapist, life coach, energy healer and motivational speaker who transformed a 30-year bulimia struggle into an unparalleled reverence for the sacredness of the human body. She has helped thousands break unhealthy habits and heal their relationships with their bodies. Learn to love your body as a conscious, unconditionally-loving ally by joining the <a href="http://www.bodybeloved.com/" target="_blank">Body Beloved Renaissance</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
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Staff
2015-09-14T18:29:00Z
8 Things to Quit Today... Stop Making Stupid Choices
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Things-to-Quit-Today...-Stop-Making-Stupid-Choices/338181998502339717.html
2015-08-03T21:10:00Z
2015-08-03T21:10:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br /></strong><strong><strong>Connie Podesta</strong></strong></strong><br /><a href="http://conniepodesta.com/" target="_blank">www.conniepodesta.com<br /></a><a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a></p>
<p>Stupid choices? Sure we all make them. Hopefully as we get older (and sometimes wiser) though, we figure out we can do better. If you're ready to start making BETTER choices, let's take a look at the top 8 things to quit starting today. </p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Quit making excuses.</strong> Excuses totally take you away from what you need to face in order to be better. Make more. Be healthier. Create sustainable relationships. Excuses are detours away from reality. They put the blame elsewhere and take away your power to make good choices for yourself. Excuses keep you from being accountable for your own actions and the consequences that follow. Take charge and determine your own path and you will make better choices.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit settling for less. </strong>Settling comes from fear. I will take this job because I may not get a better offer. Date this person because I might not find anyone else. Settling is unsettling to the rest of your life. Step up and figure out what you want. What are your non-negotiables? What is important to you? And then go after it. Stop thinking you can't have what you want. That mindset will always prove to be true - if you think it then it will happen. Raise your standards and require more - of yourself and others. Then make choices that align with those beliefs.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit refusing to listen to good advice. </strong>Most bad choices occur because we listened to bad advice and CHOSE to ignore the good advice. Listen to your inner voices. You usually know who really has your back, cares for you, wants the best for you, and who doesn't. Trust your intuition and make decisions based on good research and people you respect for all the right reasons.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit being so impulsive. </strong>STOP and think for just a minute (or a day) before you rush into making decisions. Most bad choices are made quickly without much time, effort, or serious thought. And they were ego driven - more than brain-driven. Not a good idea. Very few big, important decisions have to be made right this minute. Most choices affect you for a long time. So take the time to do it right. </li>
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<li><strong>Quit being so emotional.</strong> Emotional and impulsive usually go hand in hand. Emotions are useful - sometimes - but NOT when making a choice that could change your life. People do NOT make good decisions when they are sad, angry, hurt, grieving, feeling low or scared. During these times you need to get through the emotion and approach your decision with your intellect and common sense working for you - not emotions working against you.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit avoiding change. </strong>Good choices almost always require some change: in attitude, behaviors, or perceptions. If you want things to stay the same, then all your choices will be based on keeping things status quo and you will never get ahead, or make more money, or find new relationships. Change and good choices go hand in hand.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit doing things that go against your values.</strong> If you value being healthy but eat junk food and never exercise, then your choices aren't aligned with your values. Do you value family life, but work all the time? Do you value harmony, but keep bringing negative people into your life? What do you want? What kind of life? Health? Financial security? Job? Relationships? Make your choices with your values and beliefs at the forefront. Your choices will then reflect who you truly are.</li>
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<li><strong>Quit avoiding making a decision. </strong>Refusing to make a choice is not the answer. Talk about being stuck right where you are forever! That's a choice itself. Choices are never easy, at least not the important ones. Each alternative has its pros and cons. And unfortunately the best choices are often NOT the easiest ones to make. It takes courage to make choices. And even more courage to make the right choices for you. But to make no choice at all, generally keeps you in a place you don't want to be.</li>
</ol>
<p><br /><strong>Connie Podesta's</strong> rare blend of humor, substance, style and personality have made her one of the most memorable, in-demand speakers in the world today. 25 years. Two million people. 1000 organizations. Hall of Fame speaker. Award-winning author. Seven books. Former Radio/TV personality. Comedienne. Human Relations Expert. Therapist for 30 years. Read more about her at <a href="http://www.conniepodesta.com" target="_blank">www.conniepodesta.com</a> or at her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks" target="_blank">Facebook</a> page. Want to learn more about how to channel more of the right choices and decisions into your life? Check out the first chapter of her book, <em><a href="http://conniepodesta.com/store/redefining-happiness/" target="_blank">Redefining Happiness: A Powerhouse Mindset for Success</a></em>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
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Staff
2015-08-03T21:10:00Z
Never Enough Time!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Never-Enough-Time!/-804842502709582009.html
2015-07-14T02:49:00Z
2015-07-14T02:49:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br /></strong>Michael Bianco-Splann</strong><br /><a href="http://illuminateambitions.com/" target="_blank">www.illuminateambitions.com</a><a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a></p>
<p>Time to rise, time to act, time to get going, Bud time, bad time, best time ever, time to leave, time to move, Miller time, time to decide; time to realize this thing we call time is not real. Can you touch it? Does it have structure? Oh, yes, our world operates from a time clock, minutes, seconds, hours, work time, rest time, time for dinner, time to make love, time to fight, time to apologize, time to plant, time to harvest, time, time and more time, yet not enough time. <br /><br />So why are we so caught up in time? Does it exist? Or are we simply operating from a point of contextual organization and structure, a construct that gives meaning and texture to living as a human being. Did the ancients understand this concept differently, whereby the human condition was in sync and cooperative with nature and the greater universe? And how have we devolved so harshly to live our lives caught in the paradox of time and its limitations. <br /><br />Perhaps the grandest paradox in contemplating the impact of time is to witness the collective psychosis of continually wanting more as consumers, yet operating in a world limited by twenty-four hours in a day, 7-days a week and 365 days in a year. We purchase hundreds of channels from our cable provider only to have enough time to view a handful, yet we feel compelled to have more. People go on a week’s vacation to visit four European countries, six cities, multiple side tours and end up needing another vacation just to recover from the overwhelming travel. How much can we cram into an hour, a day or a week? Our incessant need to keep up with the newest Apple product creates an individual and collective malaise of never being satisfied, never feeling calm and always needing something else. <br /><br />We order our reality based on limitations attached to the clock. 6:00am, the alarm buzzes to start your engines. Ready, set and go-- off to the races once again. Teachers teach according to the bell. Workers work forty-hours a week, Monday through Friday. Trains, planes, rush hour traffic, buses all run according to schedules. Tuesdays are spaghetti nights, while Fridays are for pizza. We even have to schedule time for lovemaking. Weekends are for sports viewing, beer drinking and Sunday hangovers. And then-- it’s right back into the circle of life, the tick-tock of our ordered chaos with its perpetual disharmony of never having or being enough. <br /><br />Certainly, order is necessary to survive. But are we now living in a world that demands something more relevant than the limitations of time? If so, what would this new reality be? Here are some suggestions for expanding our perception of limited time:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">Stop, Look, Listen and Feel</span></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>We are missing the splendid variety of the show. By cramming the most we can into our limited time-driven construct, we miss the beauty of a whole world in front of us. Imagine for a moment what aliens from another planet might see if they were to visit any town, USA. Would they witness human beings operating on autopilot, heads magnetically attached to smart phones, texting, talking and doing everything but paying attention to the world in front of them. </p>
<ul>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">The Small Things Matter</span></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>How often do we spend the seconds of our precious life to smell the aroma of a beautiful rose, or fresh coffee beans being ground or the natural smell of a spring rain? Do you give yourself the gift of being aware, noticing the infinite bounty and hidden elegance of what is directly in front of you? The sunrise, the sunset, the shimmer of leaves blowing in the wind, the unconditional love of your dog as you enter from a long day’s work, or even those loving acts of kindness shown by people asking nothing in return; all these and so much more are available at any moment in your life. </p>
<ul>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">Being ‘Present’ Elongates Time</span></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>The limitations of time are an illusion. Quantum physics theory tells us the nature of time is not confined to the present, but is simultaneous to allow for us to be in multiple locations across the past, present and future. The power of conscious awareness provides us with an opportunity of a much broader realty, one of realizing we are not separate and apart but rather coexisting in the universe. Jean Houston, in the Quantum Powers coursework, states, “Consciousness is the basic reality of the universal mind.” We are not separate from the infinite universe, but rather, an integral part of this reality. Being present means being aware. When you are aware of being aware, you have stepped into consciousness. <span> <br /><br /></span>Now is the time to stop the train of unconsciousness by turning off the autopilot and being present for there is ample time for everything we need and want. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Michael Bianco-Splann</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Leadership-Principles-Change-Business-ebook/dp/B00XDE0XJS/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1434984234&sr=8-6&keywords=conscious+leadership" target="_blank">Conscious Leadership: 7 Principles that WILL Change Your Business and Change Your Life</a>, a wake-up call for leaders and organizations ready to gain consciousness. Michael has frontline executive leadership experience from across several industries, with the past sixteen years working within the Financial Services industry. Michael’s ability to accurately assess an organization’s strength of leadership and performance, coupled with his dynamic talent to deliver high-impact leader development training tailored to the needs of the organization provides unique and differentiated value. For more information visit <a href="http://illuminateambitions.com/" target="_blank">www.illuminateambitions.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
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Staff
2015-07-14T02:49:00Z
The 4 Principles of Relationship Negotiation
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-4-Principles-of-Relationship-Negotiation/-964468638980573689.html
2015-07-06T23:22:00Z
2015-07-06T23:22:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br /><strong>Douglas E. Noll, JD, </strong><strong><span>MA</span></strong></strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.dougnoll.com" target="_blank">www.dougnoll.com</a><a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a></p>
<p>Relationship negotiation doesn't sound very romantic or sexy, but it is the foundation upon which love is based. Without strong, conscious relationship negotiating skills, couples are bound for disappointment and frustration. Here are four principles of relationship negotiation.<br /><br /><strong>Principle 1: Fairness Is What You Create, Not What You Deserve</strong><br /><br />We live by a myth that life is supposed to be fair to us. If we follow "the rules," eat our vegetables, be nice, and work hard, we will be rewarded for our goodness. In relationships, the myth is if I am nice, loving, kind, and affectionate, my partner will reciprocate. There is just enough truth in the myth to make it believable, but it's mostly bogus. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to fairness. There, I said it. If you want to be treated fairly, you have to work at it. Fairness is not some gift bestowed by your fairy godmother. On other hand, a good life is not about grabbing everything you can for yourself to the exclusion of everyone else. That's not fair either, to you or to those around you. There has to be a balance, and that balance is created by you through relationship negotiation. Fairness is what you create, not what you think you are entitled to because you are good person.<br /><br /><strong>Principle 2: You Have to Ask for What You Want</strong><br /><br />As infants and small children, we could not ask for what we needed. We could only make a lot of noise to get someone's attention. It was up to someone else to figure out whether we needed a diaper change or a bottle. Miraculously, Mom or Dad appeared and took care of us. While we learned to negotiate many other aspects of our lives as adults, we were never taught how to ask for what we needed and wanted in relationships. Instead, we carry a belief our unspoken needs will be recognized by our partner and met magically. Of course, when that doesn't happen, we feel rejected, frustrated, unloved, and neglected. The principle is you have to ask for what you want in your relationship. Whatever it is you want is not going to appear out of the blue. If you don't make your needs known to your partner, don't expect him or her to read your mind.<br /><br /><strong>Principle 3: Don't Be Afraid of "No"</strong><br /><br />The corollary to having the courage to ask for what you want is having the courage to accept "No" with grace. Just because you ask, doesn't mean that you get. You must give your partner free choice without guilt-tripping him or her into capitulating to you. If you ask for a hug and your partner says, "No," you have a great opportunity to find out why. Maybe the timing is not right. Maybe the place is not right. Maybe your partner is in another mind-set at the moment. Your best response is not to get angry or feel rejected, but to negotiate. If not now, how about hug in 15 minutes. "No" is usually never the final answer. The secret is to welcome a "No" as an opportunity to negotiate something better later. Most importantly, "No" is rarely a rejection of you. If you take the time to find out what is going on, you will learn that the "No" is all about your partner, and not about you.<br /><br /><strong>Principle 4: Doormats Are For Dirty Feet</strong><br /><br />Relationships are about power. When couples feel like the power is balanced, the relationship tends to be happier and more fulfilling. When one or the other partner feels disempowered, the relationship is in difficulty. Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. If your desire for love, attachment, and bonding is so great you suppress your own needs, you are in deep trouble. Learn how to take care of your needs by having the courage to say "No." This is the flip-side of Principle 3: Don't be afraid to say "No" when you need to. Be prepared for anger and rejection and question the maturity of the relationship if your partner throws a tantrum. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA</strong> is an award-winning lawyer, author, speaker, and trainer. After a successful two-decade career as a trial lawyer, he devoted himself to understanding the root causes of human conflict. Today, he shares his knowledge with those interested in transforming their lives and relationships from drama and chaos to peace and love. For more strategies visit <a href="http://dougnoll.com/" target="_blank">www.dougnoll.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
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Staff
2015-07-06T23:22:00Z
Top 7 Disastrous Dating Pitfalls
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Top-7-Disastrous-Dating-Pitfalls/934124426112628514.html
2015-06-22T07:00:00Z
2015-06-22T07:00:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br />Dr. Dar Hawks</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipsuccessexpert.com/" target="_blank">www.drdar.com</a></p>
<p>The world of dating can be very intimidating and challenging for smart, successful women. It's wrought with experiences of rejection, meeting the wrong guys over and over again, not having fun, or even giving up on ever finding the love of your life.<br /><br />You can dare to be different by being aware of these common dating pitfalls so you can either avoid them altogether or if you identify you are stuck in a pitfall, you can save yourself by ending the relationship right away before you invest all your energy, time, and finances into it. A pitfall by definition is a danger or a trap for the unwary.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>What's a gal to do?</strong></p>
First, <strong>don't give up!</strong> Second, learn these dating pitfalls so you know if it's happening and what to do about it, or avoid them all together. Third, understand dating is a process and not a destination that launches you directly into the arms of the man of your dreams.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>7 Common Dating Pitfalls that Guarantee Relationship Failure</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>The Mask Pitfall</strong> occurs when you pretend to be someone you're not to impress your date. You feel like you need to mask the real you and present a more appealing package in order to "sell" yourself. You risk disappointment and a break up because you're not being true to yourself and cannot sustain the 'fake image' for the long term.</li>
<li><strong>The Vibrating Bed Pitfall</strong> happens when you think if the sex is good, a great relationship will follow. The pleasure and passion of such encounters causes you to become attached to your date; therefore you think you are in an actual committed relationship.</li>
<li><strong>The Shiny Object Pitfall</strong> happens when you get into a committed relationship mainly based on feelings of chemistry or attraction. You think the person is a great choice and you are destined to be together. A break up results when you realize that the special sizzle is gone and you try desperately to get it back, but realize you cannot. </li>
<li><strong>The Better Than Nothing Pitfall</strong> occurs when you believe having ANY-One is better than having no one because being alone is a terrible alternative, you take what you can get and settle for less. This results in attempts to change your partner and mold him into what you want, causing friction and relationship failure over time.</li>
<li><strong>The Made-Up Marriage Pitfall</strong> is when you jump into being an "instant couple" because you believe if you make a commitment to someone you're dating, a loving and happy relationship will follow. You push to try to make the relationship work. You think it will all be worth it and there will be a happy ending if you can just get over the hurdles that all couples face. </li>
<li><strong>The Prince Charming Pitfall</strong> happens when you expect the love of your life to magically appear and you'll both live happily ever after without any active effort on your part. You believe finding your soul mate will just "happen" only to find yourself feeling even more lonely and unloved.</li>
<li><strong>The Meant for Each Other Pitfall</strong> happens when you have fun together, have a few things in common, and enjoy each other's company. You assume you are compatible and therefore, dive into a committed relationship too fast. You ignore the areas of incompatibility because your focus is completely on the ways you are meant for each other which blinds you from seeing them. You find out too late there is a difference between someone who is fun to be around and someone you want to spend your life with and when the fun stops, the result is a breakup. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />Dr. Dar inspires singles and couples to create and have happy relationships with her logical success-minded, and quick results approach to love, dating and relationships. To learn the other Dating Pitfalls enroll in one of her courses for single women at <a href="http://www.StopBeingSingle.com" target="_blank">www.StopBeingSingle.com</a>.(c) 2015, Dr. Dar. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2015-06-22T07:00:00Z
Stop Swimming Upstream and Find Your True Mate
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stop-Swimming-Upstream-and-Find-Your-True-Mate/952444505872675591.html
2015-06-02T04:13:00Z
2015-06-02T04:13:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br />Dr. Dar Hawks</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipsuccessexpert.com/" target="_blank">www.drdar.com</a></p>
<p><br />A mature female salmon’s purpose is to make it to her natal river to lay her eggs and get them fertilized by a male before she dies. Kind of macabre, but having a clear purpose and goal is what’s important here. The female salmon's journey starts in the salt-water ocean. <br /><br />When she is ready to spawn, she swims thousands of miles to fresh water rivers and streams. On her journey she is met with poachers, sport fishermen who catch and release, fishermen who catch for profit, bears, birds of prey, wolves, and other voraciously hungry mammals. <br /><br />Part of her journey also includes jumping upstream through a strong waterfall to get up to her natal river or stream. Against all odds, many females make it to their natal river to spawn.<br /><br /><strong>How is this analogous to dating?</strong> <br /><br />Women throw themselves into dating, repeatedly meeting the same type of guy, hoping that sex creates a more committed relationship, or putting all their faith into one guy at a time while having short relationships that sadly fail time and time again…kind of like swimming upstream and running into the obstacles that the female salmon has to fight to survive. <br /><br />When it comes to dating, women rely on chance. Stop swimming upstream to find your mate. Instead, do what you do best already. <br /><br />As a successful woman, how did you learn about your career or how to succeed in school? You probably read about the subject, took some classes, and applied your newfound knowledge in your life with a lot of practice until you knew it was right for you or you succeeded.<br /><br /><strong>Seven Steps to Stop Swimming Upstream to Find Your True Mate</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Know your ultimate purpose for dating: dating for fun with no commitment; for a variety of experiences to determine the qualities of your true mate; to have a long-term committed and exclusive relationship; or to find the man you are going to marry. Each of these dating purposes has a unique approach and strategy.</li>
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<li>Know and don't ignore your deal breakers. Ideally deal breakers are 5 to 7 things you know right now will not work for you such as sexual or emotional cheating, financial instability, always lived with parents, etc. </li>
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<li>Connect with dating, love, and relationship experts on social media; read and take classes to become confident with interacting with people. Follow experts who inspire and elevate you. Don’t force yourself to connect with experts you feel uncomfortable with no matter how famous they are…if it does not feel right, walk away.</li>
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<li>You are in control of choosing who you date, where you go, when you go, and for your own safety…if it does not feel right, walk away.</li>
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<li>Don't suffer through a bad date. Exit gracefully and be empowered. Be polite but add honesty to it instead of being polite and suffering until the date ends...if it does not feel right, walk away.</li>
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<li>Say NO more often to people and things that do not align with you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or intuitively. </li>
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<li>Stop thinking or expecting you should be able to do this on your own. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />Finding your true mate is a numbers game. You’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. Dating is really not that hard if you learn to say NO more often and walk away sooner.<br />Remember this counterintuitive secret: The more you say no to Mr. Wrong, the more you attract Mr. Right.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Dar</strong> is a Master Licensed Relationship Coach, Author, Speaker, Human Design Specialist, Metaphysician and Spiritual Counselor. She makes the impossible totally do-able for singles and couples through her logical success-minded and human design approach to love, communication and relationships. For more tips visit <a href="http://www.StopBeingSingle.com" target="_blank">www.StopBeingSingle.com</a> and <a href="http://www.LoveHimLoveHer.com" target="_blank">www.LoveHimLoveHer.com</a>. Dr. Dar and her husband Chuck live in North Carolina.Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><br /><br /></p>
Staff
2015-06-02T04:13:00Z
The Secret to Creating Loving Close Ties
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Secret-to-Creating-Loving-Close-Ties/-489686209325218937.html
2015-04-07T05:13:00Z
2015-04-07T05:13:00Z
<p><strong><strong><br />Linda Newlin</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.GrowingUpWhole.com" target="_blank">www.</a><a href="https://www.growingupwhole.com/" target="_blank">GrowingUpWhole.com</a></p>
<p><br />Most of us need and want more connection and closeness with those in our lives. However, we have many things that keep us separate and distant from them.<br /><br />What creates closeness and loving connections with those we love?<br /><br />There are many theories and methods people have touted as keys to creating loving and close relationships, but I am reminded today by my own 10-year-old wise one about what is the #1 thing that creates closeness for him. <br /><br />It is being validated and being heard.<br /><br />Sounds simple and easy doesn’t it. Just listen to your loved ones. However, it is not so easy to really listen, given our life that we create around us. In order to create closeness and truly listen, I must stop what I’m doing and tune in to the other person. This requires 100% presence and not holding my cell phone, checking emails, cooking dinner, and working, doing laundry, thinking about what I have to do after this conversation or listening to music. Tuning in to the moment and being fully here now is the #1 way you can create closeness. It also requires that you don’t interrupt and try to fix the problem yourself or fix the person in that moment. It means listening and hearing the person.<br /><br />How often do people you love actually sit with you and truly give you their undivided attention and hear what you are saying? This is a gift that brings the closeness you are seeking.<br /><br />Remember a time when you felt heard and understood? Remember the positive sensations that ran through you and how you felt about that person following that experience?<br /><br />Being heard and validated for our own experience is the most powerful gift of love there is. For actions always speak louder than words.<br /><br />So next time don’t just say I love you. Show them you love them by tuning in, really listening and give the present of your presence.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Linda Newlin</strong> is a coach, author, speaker, singer/songwriter, teacher, and mom whose passion it is to help people claim their wholeness and live their destiny as authentic, purposeful and joyfully as possible. She is the author of <em>“The Inner Traveler’s Guidebook to Moyo: Discovering the Power of Listening to your Own Heart”</em> and <em>“Growing up Whole: A Child’s Guidebook”</em> She writes validation journals for all ages. For more information visit <a href="https://www.growingupwhole.com/" target="_blank">www.GrowingUpWhole.com</a> and <a href="http://www.lunamadre.com/" target="_blank">www.LunaMadre.com</a>. <span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</span></p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2015-04-07T05:13:00Z
How to Build Good Friendships and Ditch the Bad Ones
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Build-Good-Friendships-and-Ditch-the-Bad-Ones/-522966612730225261.html
2015-03-23T07:01:00Z
2015-03-23T07:01:00Z
<strong><br /><br /></strong><strong>By Dr. Karen Ruskin<br /></strong><a href="http://www.drkarenruskin.com/associates/" target="_blank">DrKkarenRuskin.com</a><br />
<p><br />Do friendships have a shelf life like clothing that begins to get threadbare? Yes, according to a survey conducted by journalist Kelly Valen for her book entitled "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Sisterhood-Unraveling-Legacy-Friendships/dp/0345520513" target="_blank">The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendships.</a>" Valen took a very careful look at female friendships by interviewing over a 1,000 women about their friendships over time.<br /><br />The survey revealed that while over 75 percent of the women reported being delighted with their female friendships, more than 60 percent said that some hurt them so badly that they became reluctant to trust other women. And if that figure doesn't concern you, about 85 percent of women reported suffering <em>terribly</em> due to these friendships. Yikes! Not good at all - especially since friendships are supposed to be sources of joy, comfort, support and sustenance.<br /><br />We can all relate to female friendships that seem to go awry, so it's important to know how to cultivate healthy ones - a sisterhood! Here are some tips on how to do just that, as well as how to recognize a toxic friendship.</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Implement a 'no gossiping' rule.</strong> Set the stage for a healthy friendship from the beginning by implementing a 'no gossiping' rule. Friends who gossip about others will gossip about each other, and who wants that?</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Engage in reciprocity.</strong> Take turns listening to and supporting each other. No one wants a friend who depletes us. Set the tone for an upbeat relationship by sharing sources of joy and laughter, as well as disappointment. And be each other's biggest cheerleaders! We all need a fan club.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Be inclusive. </strong>Be inclusive and expect your friend to be as well. This translates into accepting each other's friends, and not intentionally and maliciously excluding them.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Assess your relationship. </strong>Every now and then, you need to take the temperature of your relationship. If things continue to feel warm and fuzzy, then rock on -but if a friendship just isn't feeling right anymore then it time to move on, especially if it's a toxic friendship.</li>
</ol>
<p><br />If you have a friend who likes to compete with you rather than share your joys (e.g. you tell her about something that makes you happy and you hear that pregnant pause), then she'll end up making you feel deflated. Any good friend should be able to find it in her heart to be happy for you. Here are some other signs that you may be dealing with a toxic friendship:<br /><br /></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>She's possessive.</strong> Toxic friends tend to be both possessive of you and jealous of your other interests and friends. They may, of course, not start out this way but may gradually develop this cloying style.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>She uses you.</strong> These draining friends may become exploitative. They may constantly ask you for favors and assume that they're entitled to do so even if it means intruding upon the quality of your own life.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>She makes you miserable.</strong> I mentioned above that healthy friendships should be characterized primarily by joy. Well, toxic friendships may start that way, but they can become sources of misery, particularly when your friend devalues you subtly or overtly either privately or publicly.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>She lies to you.</strong> If your friend begins to lie to you, and the friendship is less than honest, then it's clearly arrived at the toxic friendship stage.</li>
</ul>
<p><br />Sadly, we sometimes have to clean house to preserve our best energy. If problems with a friend can't be worked out, and the friendship has more characteristics of a toxic rather than healthy friendship, then it's time to phase it out. By all means, try to do that as graciously as possible because burning bridges never leads to anything good, and you may still be traveling in the same friendship circles.<br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Karen Ruskin</strong><span> authored and published the cutting edge parenting book: </span><em><a href="http://www.drkarenruskin.com/purchase-books/9-techniques-raising-children/" target="_blank">The 9 Key Techniques For Raising Respectful Children Who Make Responsible Choices</a></em><span> and her newest release; the must read marriage book: </span><em><a href="http://www.drkarenruskin.com/purchase-books/dr-karens-marriage-manual/" target="_blank">Dr. Karen's Marriage Manual</a></em><span>. As of February 2010 Dr. Karen became a columnist for </span><em>Pediatrics for Parents</em><span>, a pediatric journal. Her column is: "Dr. Karen Explains". She is often interviewed for and quoted in various magazines and newspapers including; </span><em>FOX Business, Men's Health, USA Today, Care.com, TIME, abcnews.com, The Boston Globe, Boston Herald, Parents Magazine, Baby Talk, Woman's Day</em><span>, and more . . . </span><span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</span></p>
Staff
2015-03-23T07:01:00Z
Six Ways to Attract Healthy Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Six-Ways-to-Attract-Healthy-Love/39442886197729654.html
2015-01-12T21:21:00Z
2015-01-12T21:21:00Z
<strong><br /><br />By <strong>Riana Milne</strong></strong><br /><a href="http://www.RianaMilne.com" target="_blank">www.RianaMilne.com</a><br />
<p>If you're tired of doing all the right things yet still end up with emotional manipulators or moody, toxic dates who are unable to love, you need to make happiness a priority and choose to learn to love in a different way. Below are six key concepts you need to attract healthy love and eliminate any attraction to a toxic date.</p>
<ol>
<li>Healthy evolved love often has to be learned and does not come naturally to most people. We are conditioned to show and receive love by how we are loved as children, or by what was modeled to us by our parents as "normal." Therefore, if you grew up within a domestic violent household or felt fearful and insecure due to a traumatic childhood full of toxic drama, you may attract these patterns in your own adult love relationships. </li>
<br />
<li>Excessive dependence or anxiety over being alone or abandoned can create a dynamic of power struggles and resentment, as you attract an unhealthy date, then try to change them to fulfill a deep-seated need that, with therapy, you should heal for yourself. You can't change your partner, but you can change yourself.</li>
<br />
<li>What you choose to tolerate will repeatedly occur, and you must ask yourself, are you allowing your date or spouse to treat you badly? You both either provide positive (powerful) or negative (exhausting) energy to the other. </li>
<br />
<li>The happiest couples consist of two emotionally balanced, evolved individuals with wholesome self-esteem, trust and integrity, strong boundaries, and a deep sense of personal faith and purpose in their life. </li>
<br />
<li>It is important for each person to use loving and peaceful communication skills, and know how to turn negative feelings into positive messages for change. Without blame or shame statements, each person needs to share their honest feelings in a calm, open way. With an empathic ear and a new understanding of the other's needs, wants and desires, each is consciously aware of being careful of what they do and say to the other.</li>
<br />
<li>Partners need to be each other's best friend and have fun together with shared activities. Lessons from their past mistakes are discussed, and vows made to leave the past behind, forgive it, and focus on "the now" and their future. Each person's individual dreams are considered, as goals are set for the couple, which makes both people feel loved, supported, confident and terrific. An evolved relationship has: </li>
</ol>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>Foundation: Trust, shared moral values, confidence in their self and partner, putting the couple first.</li>
<br />
<li>Flexibility: open-minded, easy-going, patient, kind, understanding, feels safe to risk and share.</li>
<br />
<li>Fidelity: honesty, loyalty, trust and integrity.* Friendship: respect, kindness, reliable, thoughtful, a best friend.</li>
<br />
<li>Fun: common interests, shared activities, a sense of humor, regular dating and shared intimacy.</li>
<br />
<li>Compromise: acceptance, forgiveness without blame, can negotiate differences.</li>
<br />
<li>Balanced partners: healthy self-esteem and family relationships, boundaries, purpose in work, gratitude. </li>
<br />
<li>Spirituality: faith in something greater than self that provides guidance and demands accountability.</li>
<br />
<li>Connection: daily affection and loving communication, mutual sexual desire and intimacy. </li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
An evolved way of loving and being can be learned. It can change your life, your energy, and the entire dynamic of your love relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy. You can break free of toxic relationships and have the love you deserve! It begins with knowledge and making happiness a priority!
<p><br /><strong>Riana Milne, MA, LMHC, CAP</strong> is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Cert. Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; Also a Certified, world-wide Relationship & Life Coach, published author, and motivational speaker, her free App: <a href="http://rianamilneblog.wordpress.com/app-information-my-relationship-coach/" target="_blank">My Relationship Coach</a> offers more articles and her books, LIVE Beyond Your Dreams - from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, and LOVE Beyond Your Dreams - Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to Riana's website, <a href="http://www.RianaMilne.com" target="_blank">www.RianaMilne.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2015-01-12T21:21:00Z
Take the Loneliness Out of the Holidays
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-the-Loneliness-Out-of-the-Holidays/513492389215490427.html
2014-12-22T08:04:00Z
2014-12-22T08:04:00Z
<strong>Edwin Locke Ph.D and Ellen Kenner Ph.D</strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com<br /></a><br /><em>(originally published December 2011)</em><br />
<p>Everyone feels lonely at times, but this can worsen on special holidays such as Christmas or New Years when people enjoy celebrating with others. Maybe you are single. Maybe you have no family, or none close, or are alienated from them. Maybe you have few or no friends or have recently lost a loved one. Maybe your spouse is overseas in the military. Perhaps you are ill and cannot get out.</p>
<p>What can you do? Of course, you can connect with friends and loved ones by phone, email, Facebook, twitter or Skype. You can think of acquaintances who might want to celebrate with you, even in some small way, but perhaps you have been afraid to call. Why let your initial fear stop you?</p>
<p>Now consider presents. In most cases Christmas giving is a trade: each party enjoys both giving and receiving. But what if, this Christmas, you have no one with whom to exchange gifts? Here is an idea: buy yourself a present, something you selfishly want-just for yourself. <br /><br /><strong>There are many forms in which you can do this:</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>*</strong> Buy something from a store-maybe a special item of clothing, a fragrant soap, or a new tie.<br /><strong>*</strong> Get a special take-out dinner for yourself.<br /><strong>*</strong> Rent or download a video of your favorite movie or one you have long wanted to see.<br /><strong>*</strong> Buy or download a special book that you have wanted to read.<br /><strong>* </strong>Exercise--take a walk in your favorite location or go to the gym<br /><strong>*</strong> Visit a museum you like. <br /><strong>*</strong> Buy a pet cat or dog. They can be wonderful companions. If you are not sure if you want one, offer to temporarily take care of someone else's pet and see if you enjoy it.<br /><strong>* </strong>Volunteer doing something you enjoy - for yourself - as a way of meeting people.<br /><strong>* </strong>Write a story - what would an ideal Christmas be like? Imagine an ideal companion - what would they be like?<br /><strong>* </strong>Play your favorite music.<br /><strong>*</strong> Watch a TV show or special that makes you smile.</p>
<p>Avoid torturing yourself by sitting at home feeling powerless about the situation and sorry for yourself. That only deepens feelings of loneliness or sadness. Instead, give yourself permission to nurture yourself and seek some personal holiday joy.</p>
<p>The key is to take charge of the situation. Get out if you can. Be active. Pursue a value - any value that's important to you. Your values are what give meaning to your life.</p>
<p>(c) Copyright 2011</p>
<p><strong>Edwin Locke, PhD,</strong> a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, PhD,</strong> a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2014-12-22T08:04:00Z
Using a Four-Letter Word to Positively Transform Your Relationships
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Using-a-Four-Letter-Word-to-Positively-Transform-Your-Relationships/-306149201657984678.html
2014-12-16T00:43:00Z
2014-12-16T00:43:00Z
<strong><br /><br />by Daisy Swan</strong><br /><a href="http://www.daisyswan.com/" target="_blank">www.daisyswan.com</a><br /><br />Have you had an interaction lately with your child (even if your child is of voting age), your spouse, or co-workers that has left you seething, angry, disappointed, or frustrated and then, on top of that, found yourself ruminating about what just happened? <br /><br />It's probably hard to choose among a few choice four-letter words that come to mind. Honestly, this happens to us all too often. Caught in a spiral of getting triggered by a situation, we then compound the stress we feel as we re-live it over and over in our minds long after it's over.<br /><br />As a mindful awareness meditation instructor and coach, I share this four-letter word all the time: STOP. <br /><br />This is an acronym that helps us gain awareness of ourselves, and the situation, which gives us an opportunity to <em>respond</em> rather than <em>react</em> in the moment. Or if we do lose it, hearing STOP in our mind helps us to regain our composure and come back to the person with perhaps some new ways to repair the relationship. <br /><br />Give this a try right now. Imagine a situation you've been in. Feel it heating up, and then imagine saying to yourself as you feel the emotions rising, 'Stop, Take a breath, Observe (what's happening in you and around you, recognizing the feelings you're feeling and the choices in front of you) and finally 'Proceed.' <br /><br />Know that you don't have to <em>condone</em> the behavior of the other person, you don't have to <em>accept</em> the behavior of the other person, but you can be more self-possessed and conscious as you talk to this person. <br /><br />Using STOP is one of the effective tools I use to bring mindful awareness into everyday life, encouraging a more alive relationship with present moments of life that help to alleviate ongoing stress and strife, and provides me with alternative ways of being in charge in difficult situations and with difficult emotions. <br /><br />Tough interactions <em>do</em> happen, <em>will </em>happen, but with practice we can begin to decrease the stressful way in which we react to and then regard situations. We have more internal resources to repair and resolve difficulties more swiftly, and then move past them. <br /><br />With practice, saying an internal STOP can help you move forward, positively, in your relationships without the mental and emotional baggage that can weigh us down like a wardrobe bag without a hanger. Feeling lighter, freer, in charge, we can also be more confident about how to work with difficulties.<br /><br />
<p><strong>Daisy Swan</strong> has been a <a href="http://www.daisyswan.com/career-coaching/services/" target="_blank">career coach</a> for over 20 years, working with clients all over the world, and is the author of <a href="http://www.daisyswan.com/career-coaching/making-work-work-book-trailer/" target="_blank">Making Work Work: Secrets from A Career Coach's Office</a>. Daisy also <a href="http://www.daisyswan.com/career-coaching/classes/" target="_blank">teaches meditation</a> to help busy professionals manage the stress of modern life, and uncover and foster their creativity. For your free consultation, visit <a href="http://www.daisyswan.com/" target="_blank">www.daisyswan.com</a>. <span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</span><strong><br /></strong></p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2014-12-16T00:43:00Z
25 Ways to Stay Upbeat When Surrounded by Negativity
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/25-Ways-to-Stay-Upbeat-When-Surrounded-by-Negativity/-99062087737910217.html
2014-12-01T21:10:00Z
2014-12-01T21:10:00Z
<strong><br />by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC</strong><br /><a href="http://www.maryjorapini.com" target="_blank">MaryJoRapini.com<br /></a><br />Have you ever wondered where the good times have gone? Do you find yourself in the grocery store line listening to customers lament on the world's problems? Do you run in to pick up your dry cleaning in time to hear the latest update about a virus you've never heard of? Do you cook a fabulous dinner and sit down to enjoy family time around the table, but instead hear about your spouse's demanding boss or your child's teacher who will be out the rest of the year due to breast cancer? How much bad news can you take? How can you possibly remain upbeat when everyone around you is full of gloom, doom and negativity? <br /><br />In truth, we all get down sometimes, but if you are surrounded by negative friends and family, you are exposing yourself to a contagious attitude. Negativity, like the common cold, is spread by word of mouth and actions. Like the common cold, the best way not to catch it is to use precaution and prevent being susceptible.<br /><br /><strong>Here are my 25 favorite ways to stay upbeat and positive:<br /><ol>
<li>Get involved with people or projects that give you meaning.</li>
<br />
<li>Schedule time in your day to have five minutes of total quiet alone. </li>
<br />
<li>Meditate by focusing on your breathing in and out slowly.</li>
<br />
<li>Pray.</li>
<br />
<li>Don't take other's negativity personally. </li>
<br />
<li>Limit your time with negative people and make your life a no venting or complaining zone. </li>
<br />
<li>Play: yoga, running and/or walking are good examples of adult playtime.</li>
<br />
<li>Go to a movie with a friend or by yourself. </li>
<br />
<li>Listen to music that makes you feel positive. </li>
<br />
<li>Write down three things you've always wanted to do or were interested in and begin learning one of them. </li>
<br />
<li>Have Friday or Sunday night potluck night. Everyone can come, but everyone brings something to the table.</li>
<br />
<li>Have a suggestion box set up in your home so kids, as well as other family members, can write suggestions for innovative new family outings or rituals.</li>
<br />
<li>Go to church: according to research church goers are happier, healthier and find more meaning in life than non-church goers. </li>
<br />
<li>Play with your kids even when they're grown.</li>
<br />
<li>Hug family and friends as much as you can. </li>
<br />
<li>When worries take over, step back and focus on today...now. </li>
<br />
<li>Be grateful and say thank you each opportunity you get. The more you give thanks, the more you have to be thankful for as time goes on. </li>
<br />
<li>Volunteer.</li>
<br />
<li>Plant a garden or at least a few plants.</li>
<br />
<li>Get a pet or spend time watching animals on TV. </li>
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<li>Watch funny movies or movies that encourage good rather than evil. </li>
<br />
<li>When faced with a challenge instead of getting discouraged think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow your business, relationship, or wherever the challenge is. </li>
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<li>Give away whatever you aren't using. </li>
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<li>Pay it forward every chance you get. </li>
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<li>Read autobiographies and biographies. They help you understand that everyone goes through really bad times and how you handle it defines your character.</li>
</ol></strong>Life gets rough for everyone sometimes, but life stays rough for those who allow the bad times to taint the joyful times as well. I have met people who live horrific lives of chronic pain, yet their attitude is so positive they infect others, which feeds back and revitalizes them with positivity. No one has you sign a negative contract, however. Surrounding and staying in negative relationships locks you into their contract. Break free! Find and encourage positive interactions and relationships for yourself and those who are open to being infected with good energy. <br /><br />
<p><strong><br />Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, </strong>is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman of <em>Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever</em>. Read more about the book at <a href="http://www.StartTalkingBook.com" target="_blank">StartTalkingBook.com</a> and more about Rapini at <a href="http://www.maryjorapini.com" target="_blank">MaryJoRapini.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2014-12-01T21:10:00Z
Let Me Off the Hook: I Don't Want to Take Care of Mama Anymore
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Let-Me-Off-the-Hook:--I-Dont-Want-to-Take-Care-of-Mama-Anymore/-303954845535787670.html
2014-10-06T22:00:00Z
2014-10-06T22:00:00Z
<p><strong><br /><br />Dr. Cheryl Woodson<br /></strong><a href="http://www.drcherylwoodson.com" target="_blank">DrCherylWoodson.com</a><br /><br />Are you one of the many caregivers who struggle with eldercare and reach the end of their ropes? You may have family, but no one helps. You may have a job, children, and maybe grandchildren, or you have your own health issues. Maybe she wasn't such a good mother. How do you get off the hot seat? <br /><br />You're right. You do not <em>have</em> to give care. Most caregivers are not <em>legal</em> guardians, but you <em>can't just walk away</em>. Having been in the caregiving role, you are at risk for charges of abandonment under elder abuse and neglect laws. Most states will bring these charges against adults who are in a position to be aware of the elder's needs, even if they don't consider themselves caregivers, and even if they don't live in the home. <br /><br />One of my patients lived with his equally elderly wife. She could no longer give good care, and though their adult children visited frequently, they did not find a way to relieve her. Adult Protective Services involved the children in the investigation because they were aware of the needs, but did not intervene.<br /><br />If you decide that your caregiving days should be over, I commend your integrity. Many overwhelmed caregivers toil on until they become ill and can no longer meet the senior's needs. Even though they don't mean to, these caregivers commit passive neglect. In the saddest cases, caregivers intentionally endanger seniors, or commit abuse. <br /><br />Others depend on the elder for financial resources. Refusing to see beyond their own needs, these selfish people keep using the senior, committing elder abuse in the category of financial exploitation. <br /><br />Your honesty and courage will make a difficult transition safer for everyone if you follow these steps:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li>Contact a social worker at the hospital, or clinic, the Department on Aging (DOA), or Adult Protective Services (APS,) to help you develop another care plan. These services are free, but they may have limited resources, or take several weeks to become involved. The National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers is usually more responsive, but they will charge a fee. Their website (<a href="http://www.caremanger.org" target="_blank">www.caremanger.org</a>) provides a list of all certified care managers near the elder's zip code. Ask about fees when you make the appointment.</li>
<br />
<li>Contact the elder's doctor to learn the senior's specific health care needs and decision-making ability. The Health Information Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) does not allow doctors to release information without elders' written permission, but you can always send a letter, describing the situation and asking for help. Doctors can also refer to DOA, or APS. The doctor and social service professionals can recommend the most appropriate care site, based on the seniors wishes (if there is not an incapacitating mental disorder,) the medical needs, financial resources, and any other family members' involvement. Can the senior live at home with services? Would assisted-living, or nursing home be more appropriate? </li>
<br />
<li>If you're afraid of arguments, inform the elder and other family members AFTER you have a game plan. This decreases the risk of confrontations and guilt, forcing you to stay in a situation that's no longer good for anyone. Care managers and/or doctors can mediate by inviting everyone to a family conference, relaying the information, and helping develop a strategy. Ongoing personal and family counseling is essential for making a smooth transition and maintaining family relationships.</li>
</ol>
<p>There is no way to make this situation painless, but you have to make it safe for the elder and yourself.</p>
<br />
<p><strong>Dr. Cheryl Woodson</strong> is an author who specialized in Geriatric Medicine for more than thirty years, and also navigated her mother's ten-year journey with Alzheimer's disease. She taught Geriatrics in medical schools, founded community-based care-coordinating Geriatrics programs, and served on the White House Conference on Aging. Shooting from the hip and from the heart, Dr. Woodson brings a unique perspective to professional and family caregivers, community activists, and policy-makers. For more information and resources visit <a href="http://www.drcherylwoodson.com" target="_blank">DrCherylWoodson.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/sah_r_100614.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="406" /> </p>
Staff
2014-10-06T22:00:00Z
Coping with Abandonment
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Coping-with-Abandonment/-628516817162384535.html
2014-09-22T22:44:00Z
2014-09-22T22:44:00Z
<p> </p>
<p><strong>By Carmela Cattuti</strong><br /> author of <em>Between the Cracks</em></p>
<p><br />We have all been abandoned in our lives. Whether it was through our parents' divorce, death of a parent, or our spouse leaving us, as human beings we are all familiar with the feeling. Sometimes we don't know where to go or what to do. We feel the earth has been pulled out from under our feet and we are dangling in space without an anchor.</p>
<p>The sadness and fear can be so over-whelming that we are at risk of falling into a depression. Some say that it is our perceptions of a situation that create the feeling of abandonment. If a parent dies in a car wreck they did not crash intentionally, it was an accident, but the emotions immediately interprets the incident as abandonment.</p>
<p>Here are four prevalent types of abandonment and how to deal with them from a place of power and growth.</p>
<p> </p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Physical</strong><br />When we're young and a parent dies suddenly there are layers of abandonment to sift through and if we are not aware then the gap left from the death is profound. Fear of people leaving us will run our lives, and in many cases, will cause people to actually leave. The tendency is to become anxious and afraid if a significant other or good friend does not want to be with us twenty-four hours a day. We try to fill the emotional hole with another person. The tendency here is for our significant other to actually leave so we can experience abandonment again until the wound is healed. The remedy is to connect with ourselves and process the initial trauma</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Emotional</strong><br />Emotional abandonment is subtler than physical desertion and affects our lives in indirect but insidious ways. It may prevent us from being who we truly are for fear that someone won't like us or will attack us if we express an opinion. It may prevent us from participating in life and can lead to social isolation. There may be a lack of depth in our lives because it is difficult to connect with people on a mutually respectful basis. Sometimes a solution can be as simple as pushing yourself to go to social gatherings and participating is social activities. If this is not possible then professional help may be needed.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>We May Abandon Others</strong><br />We may be quick to leave a relationship because we fear they will leave us. We think it is easier to run from the pain of abandonment. When we feel this pain over and over again, then our mind tells us it is less painful to leave before our significant other deserts us. Sometimes the wounded person will contemplate leaving the relationship because of an innocent comment from their significant other that triggered abandonment issues. In this situation it is best to access the quality of the relationship and if a break is warranted. We need to ask ourselves if this person loves and respects us or are we acting rashly without sufficient cause.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>We May Become Controlling</strong><br />If we have a family then the danger of attempting to control our loved one's daily lives can lead to relationships fraught with drama, like arguments with children over small infractions that we consider major. We can become paranoid and accuse our spouse of having an affair if they come home late or fail to call us when we expect. This is why it is essential to feel comfortable expressing ourselves in a relationship. This does not happen over-night. It is a process that requires emotional work from the beginning.</li>
</ol>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone has abandonment issues. Some are worse than others, depending on the level of desertion. A great deal of introspection is needed to deal with this problem, but it is possible. Once abandonment is recognized and we received support for our healing then we are on the pathway to healthy relationships.</p>
<p><br /><strong>Carmela Cattuti</strong> is a writer, visual artist, and teacher. She is the author of <em>Between the Cracks</em>, a novel based on her great aunt's journey from Sicily to the U.S. Carmela is a graduate of Boston College's masters program in literature. Join her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/betweenthecracksnovel," target="_blank">Facebook</a> community and visit her on her <a href="http://www.twitter.com/ccattuti" target="_blank">Twitter</a> and <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/carmelacattuti/betweenthecracks-novel" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> for event updates and articles. Visit <a href="http://www.betweenthecracksnovel.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">www.betweenthecracksnovel.blogspot.com</a> for your free chapter. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2014-09-22T22:44:00Z
He Wants Me to Lose Weight... Should I Dump Him?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/He-Wants-Me-to-Lose-Weight...-Should-I-Dump-Him/-557699483056043781.html
2014-09-08T19:02:00Z
2014-09-08T19:02:00Z
<p><strong><br /><br />Bruce Wayne<br /><strong><a href="http://www.armageddonworld.com/" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.armageddonworld.com/" target="_blank">ArmageddonWorld</a></strong></strong></p>
<p>Getting someone healthy is not just about pounds on the scale. Addressing your work-life balance and the psychological components involved are critical to achieve success. <br /><br /><strong>What he said... What he really meant...<br /></strong>In relationships, we tend to get pretty complacent. When you're single and ready to mingle, looking hot is priority number one. You watch your weight. Your makeup is perfect and every hair is in the right place. However, all that tends to fall by the "waist side" once you're in a long-term relationship. For most couples, gaining weight is pretty common. <br /><br />What happens when you pack on too much weight and your guy now wants you to get rid of it? Some women might find this offensive, but don't jump to conclusions. The odds are good that your guy truly has your best interest at heart. Below, we explain what your guy really means when he wants you to shape up.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>He wants you to be healthy. </strong>No one wants to see their significant other sick. However, as you gain weight, you suddenly become more susceptible to all sorts of health problems. Overweight and obese people are at a greater risk for diabetes, stroke, heart diseases, certain cancers-and the list goes on. Approximately 300,000 people die every year in the U.S. due to complications from obesity. You can bet your man doesn't want you to be a part of those statistics. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>He wants to see you happy.</strong> Guys hate it when their women are sad. However, for many people who become overweight, it's not uncommon to feel down in the dumps. According to Dr. Trumbull, Director of Endocrinology for the Armageddon Weight Loss Program, the extra weight can also have profound effects on body image and psychological issues. <br /><br />People who struggle with their weight, all have a higher risk of depression. According to the Obesity Action Coalition, obese individuals have a 20 percent elevated risk of depression. Losing weight can simply be his way of wanting to see your beautiful smile more often.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>He wants you to be confident.</strong> Gaining too much weight can make many people insecure about their bodies. They may hide behind big T-shirts or sweat pants and avoid anything that's figure forming. They may also avoid going to certain places or achieving certain goals for fear of rejection or what other people might think. A survey published in Psychology Today even found that 24% of women and 17% of men would give up more than three years of life in exchange for being thinner. For a guy, nothing is sexier than a woman's confidence.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>He wants to see you succeed. </strong>No one wants to believe we live in a shallow world judged on how we look; however, research shows that it does happen. If you're seeking employment or a promotion, your waist size may very well get in the way. According to the Center for Creative Leadership, new research suggests that a few extra pounds may make others question a person's leadership ability as well as stamina on the job. As cruel and competitive the world can be, your man doesn't want you to be its next victim.</li>
</ol>Of course, some guys may want their women to become slim for their own selfish reasons. If he makes it clear that he is embarrassed by your appearance or finds you no longer attractive-that's your queue to kick him to the curb and not think twice about it.
<p><strong>Bruce Wayne </strong>is the creator of Armageddon Weight Loss, a new pioneering program taught by 22 medical doctors, scientists, fitness experts and champion athletes that targets fitness and cellulite reduction. He focuses on treating the whole person and providing complete tools for permanent change in health and fitness. To learn more visit <a href="http://www.armageddonworld.com/" target="_blank">www.ArmageddonWorld.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
<p> </p>
Staff
2014-09-08T19:02:00Z
The Big 3 Attraction Killers for Men
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Big-3-Attraction-Killers-for-Men/282364805435890412.html
2014-08-04T19:00:00Z
2014-08-04T19:00:00Z
<strong><br />Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br />
<p>Women who are too nice and who try too hard with men to win their love, end up single more quickly than they would like. They end up single and confused as to why, after all they have done, they still could not hook their man. Women who are insecure audition for men in every way trying to show him they can be the “cool girl,” “a guy’s girl,” “mother,” “best friend” and “therapist.” Men don’t want this. A real man wants a woman who knows herself, puts herself first and creates a challenge for him. When a woman changes her life direction for a man and makes him the center of her universe it kills his attraction. </p>
<p><strong>The Big 3 Attraction Killers:</strong></p>
<p><strong>1. Needy:</strong> When a woman is too nice to a man he sees her as needy. Neediness is ok in children, but a man wants a woman who is in control of herself, of her emotions and of how she approaches relationships. He does not want to be with someone who whines, complains or tantrums to get his attention. He does not want to see his woman as another responsibility in his life that he has to take care of. A man wants to take care of the woman who doesn’t need him to provide that for her.</p>
<p><strong>2. Desperate:</strong> Things go wrong in all relationships and a man needs to see his woman can hold her own through stressful times and not blow up his phone, email and stalk him to get him to talk. When a woman acts desperate, it sends a clear message to a man that all of her desires to fix things are her efforts to make things in the relationship be on her terms. She is not thinking about what he wants or his perception.</p>
<p>When this happens she does everything she can to convince him of why he needs to change to make things better for her. Note to self: Men were not put on planet earth to be what women want them to be. Women need to be themselves and if they don’t like what their man is giving, doing or not doing then they should love themselves enough to leave and choose better. This would actually make men respect them a lot more.</p>
<p><strong>3. Jealousy:</strong> Women who are insecure are jealous of everything the man does. She is jealous of anything that gets his time from; sports, friends, his job and any friends he has who are girls. They become suspicious of every unknown number on his phone and they are constantly badgering him for his whereabouts. Jealousy is the quickest way to lose and man and to look crazy and insecure in his eyes. If a woman is seeing a man whom she believes she has reason not to trust she should get out of the relationship regardless of his excuses. She should choose better treatment for herself.</p>
<p>Men want empowered, independent women who have an “I don’t care” attitude. He needs to connect and also have his freedom. He does not want to be with a woman who focuses on every nuance and detail of everything he does or says, where he is being interrogated to explain himself and make the relationship better for her. He likes and needs and a challenge and is attracted to a woman he cannot easily rattle, who has her own life she won’t give up for him, and a woman who loves herself enough not to deal with him if he isn’t going to treat her correctly. </p>
<p>Little Life Message: To capture a man, be empowered and embraced in yourself and your own life and keep it that way even after you have fallen in love. </p>
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a>, and a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. Receive <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">free insights</a> from Sherrie and to be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook community</a> of others looking to improve their relationship. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com" target="_blank">www.sherriecampbellphd.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2014-08-04T19:00:00Z
6 Signs This is NOT 'The Guy'
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Signs-This-is-NOT-The-Guy/922766216941752516.html
2014-07-14T18:18:00Z
2014-07-14T18:18:00Z
<strong><br />Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br />
<p>The endless search for lasting love can be exhausting, frustrating and depressing. In a world dominated by social media, serial dating, and a cheating rate of 60% of all married couples, we may question why we search. We search because we want to be in love. We want to feel that connection and safety with another person. We are born to love and to have relationships, after-all the fundamental drive behind any animal species is reproduction. These days reproducing isn’t the issue, it is finding the right person to someday reproduce with.</p>
<p><strong>6 Signs this is NOT “The Guy” </strong></p>
<p><strong>1. Mr. Unavailable:</strong> If you cannot easily get in touch with him when he lives in the same city, something is up. For a woman it’s always a little nerve-wracking to reach out to a new guy. If you call him and he sounds annoyed or inconvenienced or only returns some of your calls/texts maybe this isn’t the guy. If he treats you this way and you have already been sexual with him, it is time to let go.</p>
<p><strong>2. Mr. Invalidation:</strong> If the last time he complimented you was the day you met, then this is a guy who does not value you the way you deserve. Not that a man should be falling all over himself to compliment you, but he should be proud to be yours and under no uncertain terms let you know this as often as possible. Any healthy partnership is based on recognizing and making the other feel good. This is natural to the feeling of love. </p>
<p><strong>3. Mr. Only Good in the Moment:</strong> When you have confusion because you have an amazing time when you are together, but he hardly makes an effort to be together, he may not be having as much fun as you think. If thoughts of you seem to vanish from his mind when you are not around, and he has every excuse as to why he cannot see you, it is time to walk away, regardless of how good you feel it is when you spend time together. A man who really wants a woman makes the effort to be with her.</p>
<p><strong>4. Mr. I Want a Mama:</strong> If you notice he is always low on funds, food in his fridge and cannot keep his place clean, this man is looking for a mama. He will take from you, allow you to care for him and not value you all at the same time. This is a clear sign he cannot take care of himself. Get up and run, unless of course you feel like having a child early than conception.</p>
<p><strong>5. My Way or the Highway:</strong> This guy is inflexible. Things must go his way for any type of relationship to be established. When you are straightforward with him about what you expect he may agree, but when it comes down to it, if it isn’t his way it will be the highway, so start driving. Relationships require flexibility in an effort for both partners to get their needs met. All things cannot be based on one person’s idea of timing.</p>
<p><strong>6. Mr. Quitter</strong>: If this man would let you walk away without any type of a fight then he was either never invested, or he knows deep down you are too good for him. Your first real fight will give you an idea if he is a quitter. If you find you have to fix everything when clearly he is in the wrong, you are setting a pattern of being with someone who has no desire to help fix or nurture the relationship. He would rather give up. This person doesn’t have much self-value, and certainly not enough of a work-ethic to value anyone else.</p>
<p>All of these men may seem easy to spot, but any one or combination of these traits could happen in your relationships and you will be amazed and what kind mental trickery you will do to stay. You will first search every reason, that regardless of what it looks like, that you have enough evidence he does love you. This is happening because the relationship is still providing you with some amount of value, happiness and pleasure; you have an attachment to him and this is hard to let go of. </p>
<p><strong>Little Life Message:</strong> If staying with a man comes from making excuses and justifying his substandard treatment you are missing out on meeting someone who can love you, no excuses.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a>, and a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. Receive <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">free insights</a> from Sherrie and to be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook community</a> of others looking to improve their relationship. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com" target="_blank">www.sherriecampbellphd.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2014-07-14T18:18:00Z
The Secret Power of Letting Go When You Want to Hold on Tighter
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Secret-Power-of-Letting-Go-When-You-Want-to-Hold-on-Tighter/335159403556695551.html
2014-06-02T21:27:00Z
2014-06-02T21:27:00Z
<strong><br />Evelyn Roberts Brooks</strong><br /><a href="http://evelynbrooks.com/" target="_blank">evelynbrooks.com</a><br />
<p>When friends and family members are going through a rough time, often our immediate reaction is to try to resolve the situation for them. To ease their pain. To make life better. If a romantic relationship isn't going the way we want, a common reaction is to cling harder, trying to convince the other person to stay.</p>
<p>However, by easing our grip on relationships and circumstances that feel out of control, we paradoxically gain the control we were missing. We renew the power to be in charge of our own lives in a beneficial way that produces joy, and inspires others to live their own greatness.</p>
<p><strong>Drawbacks of Being Everyone's Traffic Cop</strong></p>
<p>When the traffic signals at an intersection go on the fritz, and a white-gloved policeman shows up to direct traffic, we're relieved someone took charge of the chaos.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when we helpfully take the reins in someone else's life because we can see where they are going wrong, their initial gratitude reinforces our caretaking behavior, rewarding it and inspiring us to keep going on that path, doing more and more for others, and less and less for our own dreams.</p>
<p>A rooky cop might get so wrapped up in stopping that lane, waving on others, blowing the whistle, watching all four corners of the intersection, that he might not notice immediately when the signals are working again. Imagine the drivers are eager to go when the light turns green, but the traffic cop is oblivious. What if he keeps blowing that whistle, waving his arms, insisting everyone obey his will?</p>
<p>That is a trap people with a caretaking tendency can easily fall into. When we try to manage the lives of others, we do both them and ourselves a disservice. In essence, we disempower them and interfere with their own opportunity to grow.</p>
<p>Instead of being hyper-vigilant about what others are doing or might do, relinquish the job of being the unofficial "traffic cop" of your family, and at the same time let go of the unwelcome offshoots of your good intentions.</p>
<p>When you've enlisted to be that helpful traffic controller, you get paid a salary, too, but in a different currency:</p>
<ul>
<li>Resentments on the part of others</li>
<li>Feeling unappreciated and disrespected</li>
<li>Exhaustion</li>
<li>Stress</li>
<li>Rapid aging</li>
<li>Chronic worry about when the other shoe will drop</li>
<li>A frantic sense of running as fast as you can, and never being able to do "enough" to solve all the problems you feel responsible for</li>
</ul>
<p>If you don't do anything to stop the belief that it is your job to coordinate everyone else's happiness and wellbeing, that belief grows stronger by default. Stronger not only in your own mind, but in the assumptions others make about you and your willingness to keep giving up pieces of yourself to try to make them feel good.</p>
<p>The behavioral roots grow deeper and wider, and every aspect of your life is affected. You feel the burden to make sure that everything goes smoothly. That sense of responsibility, and holding on to the outcome you've decided is best for all concerned, can become so strong that other parts of your life—those soul-wishes for happiness and fulfillment—begin to wither from lack of attention.</p>
<p><strong>Living on Purpose</strong></p>
<p>When you are steadily on course with your own dreams, and living on purpose to create a life that is joyful and expansive, it becomes much simpler to allow others to live their own lives, too, even if they do it in ways you would never choose.</p>
<p>Enjoy spending time with them, and when someone has a problem, step back from it—don't take on the yoke, and avoid commiserating with them about all that is wrong.</p>
<p>Encourage them to look at possible solutions. Reassure them that you have every faith in their innate ability to make the right decisions for themselves and to enjoy positive outcomes. And declare your love and affection for them. </p>
<p>Without firm control on our own minds, we fall easily into the trap of default living, which the majority of people experience. Default living means that you live in a reactive way, bouncing from one crisis to the next, feeling controlled by what you see or hear around you: The news; What the neighbors are doing; A problem being faced by a family member, etc.</p>
<p><strong>Reap Your Rewards</strong></p>
<p>The "secret power" of letting go contains a power in itself that will blossom and flourish if you pay attention to it. Like the Matryoshka doll--Russian nesting dolls that fit one inside the other--you will be gifted with:</p>
<ul>
<li>Serenity</li>
<li>Calmness</li>
<li>Peace of mind</li>
<li>Ability to intuitively support others in their own growth while ceasing to micro-manage their every move</li>
<li>Energy to pursue your own vision</li>
</ul>
<p>As you practice letting go, instead of clinging even tighter out of fear the situation will get worse, you'll discover that events and relationships actually become smoother, more easy-going, and more harmonious. Try it: I believe you'll enjoy your new sense of freedom to love your own life, on your terms.</p>
<p>The power of letting go is a secret because so few people are using it. It's a lost art that millions seek, not understanding they are looking for it somewhere out there, when it resides inside, ready to access at will.</p>
<p><strong>Evelyn Roberts Brooks</strong> is a bestselling author, speaker and transformational life coach. Go to <a href="http://evelynbrooks.com/" target="_blank">evelynbrooks.com</a> to enjoy over 400 free articles, free webinar invitations and to receive your free 3-Way Guilt & Stress Busters gift collection. To learn more about W.A.I.T. and other tools for working in harmony with the universal laws, see her book, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1452586675/?tag=foyotrgeha-20" target="_blank">You Were Born to Triumph: Create a Five-Star Life in Your Quantum Kitchen</a>." For your free parenting workshop video gift, "The Secret to Family Harmony, " and articles about raising great children and enjoying a happy family life, <a href="http://evelynbrooks.com/parenting-articles/" target="_blank">click here</a>. <span>Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</span></p>
Staff
2014-06-02T21:27:00Z
Are You in a Toxic Relationship?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-in-a-Toxic-Relationship/-955761830526649909.html
2014-05-26T17:59:00Z
2014-05-26T17:59:00Z
<strong><br />Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br />
<p>There is such a thing as a relationship where the connection between two people is more chaotic than positive but they cannot seem to separate. One person is usually self-centered and the other over-empathic. The self-centered person comes and goes as they please while the empathic person is stuck in an unpredictable pattern of trying to let go only to get sucked back in any time the self-centered person comes back and wants them or gives them any type of attention.</p>
<p><strong>5 Signs You Are in a Toxic Relationship</strong></p>
<p><strong>1. Craving: </strong>When there is a compulsive and chronic craving or pursuit of a lover in an effort to get a sense of security and worth from them. These relationships always stay true to the extremes of infatuation and heartbreak hardly ever functioning in the middle where true intimacy can exist. It is the roller coaster ride where you no longer have control over your self-esteem, emotional stability or independence. You are always on the edge of breakdown and obsessed with every action, word, glance, or move your partner makes.</p>
<p><strong>2. Infatuation: </strong>When we are in the infatuation phase we believe we have finally gained and secured the relationship only to be horribly disappointed and empty again once the person decides they cannot commit after all. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the stuck person continues to hang on to the belief that true love will fix everything. Infatuation has been proven to take over the more rational parts of the brain. People cannot understand why the nice person keeps going back because from the outside looking in there is nothing but a toxic connection there.</p>
<p><strong>3</strong>. <strong>Hope is dope:</strong> When the person you once loved and who broke your heart comes back, you get a huge sense of relief and become hopeful. You see something in that person no one else does. The rewards keep you hooked because they alleviate the pain and suffering. They make you believe they really do want you; they are just “not ready” or “too scared.” These justifications are the hopeful qualities which keep you waiting.</p>
<p><strong>4. Intermittent reinforcement: </strong>A lack of predictability is incredibly seductive and rewarding. Sadly, when you never know if or when you will get rewarded, you go through a process of withdrawal and depression. When there is no reward you begin to give up, to only, at that very moment, be given a major incentive of that person re-appearing in your life promising change and undying love. Just as you get sucked in, they disappoint again.</p>
<p><strong>5. Loss of support: </strong> When you are in a toxic relationship you often lose the respect and support from those who love you the most. At some point they cannot hear your broken record over and over again. Because nothing is stable you are needy for advice all the time and you wear those out who will listen to you because your story never changes. </p>
<p><strong>Solution:</strong> Get out. It is easier said than done, but there is no future with a person who is toxic. You will listen and believe every excuse they make which can go on for years. You have to decide how many years you want to waste on broken promises. You have to be wise, look at the reality of the pattern and dismantle the hope that keeps you believing this person will at some point change and offer you the relationship you want.</p>
<p><strong>Little life Message:</strong> Love yourself enough to leave what doesn’t serve you.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a>, and a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. Receive <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">free insights</a> from Sherrie and to be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook community</a> of others looking to improve their relationship. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com" target="_blank">www.sherriecampbellphd.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2014-05-26T17:59:00Z
Is Your Relationship a Friendship on Fire?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Your-Relationship-a-Friendship-on-Fire/-147653347641245652.html
2014-05-05T17:45:00Z
2014-05-05T17:45:00Z
<strong>By Dr. Linda Miles<br /></strong><a href="http://www.drlindamiles.com" target="_blank">DrLindaMiles.com</a>
<p>Many people are convinced they cannot have a "friendship on fire" because of the way they think . . . literally. So many people are hampered by a negative mindset that they can’t believe in themselves or their ability to create and maintain a loving and lasting relationship. <strong>If you want a friendship on fire, you must be a friend to <em>yourself</em> first.</strong></p>
<p><strong>How Much of This is Me?</strong></p>
<p>A good question to ask after a breakup is, “How much of my suffering is about me, and how much is about the loss of a super relationship?” Most of what I have heard over the years is either self-imposed suffering after a destructive relationship or self-recrimination from those who failed to appreciate a good one. In each case, the focus is on rehashing yesterday’s news rather than learning the lessons and moving on.</p>
<p><strong>Many people waste a lot of time with depressing inner judgments before beginning the practice of compassionate self-acceptance.</strong> They do not recognize that they walk around in a world covered with ash from their own ego eruptions blocking out their loving light shining through the present moment.</p>
<p>When you encounter people you regard as cool, popular, attractive, and capable of doing things you would like to do, you start comparing yourself to them. Inhibited by your sense of inadequacy and fearful of rejection, you hold back from being authentic and alive in the moment. You may be hampered by blinders that won’t let you see beyond your own defects.</p>
<p><strong>Friendship on fire is about getting into your flow and being real. </strong> If you have become bogged down in self-condemnation as a result of early life decisions related to siblings, competition, disappointments in school, family conflict, or peer pressure, you have loads of company. Lots of people have wandered into this haze and lost touch with their true selves. Fearing that their defects will be discovered, they cling to faux selves and try to hide what they perceive as unacceptable inadequacies.</p>
<p><strong>How do you know if a false self limits your life? Here are the symptoms:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>Being preoccupied with fantasy folks like movie or pop stars.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Becoming tongue-tied as you search for the perfect thing to say.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Needing to remain as cool as a cucumber if you are attracted to someone.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Feeling mushy-headed in the presence of “cool” people.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Believing you don’t deserve a person to whom you are attracted.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Thinking that if you are chosen for something, it has to be a mistake.”</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Walking into a crowded room and wondering what everyone thinks of you instead of what you think of them.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Driven to distraction with the idea that you need to run before your chosen one discovers your defects.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Choosing to act “cool” instead of dancing.</li>
</ul>
<p>It takes courage to love and go for friendship on fire. You need to dump a lot of baggage filled with costumes and disguises and risk rejection. <strong>When your relationship is a friendship on fire, you are vulnerable, yet safe.</strong> You come home to yourself and nourish the deep desire to be known and accepted.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Linda Miles</strong> is a leading expert on relationships and mindfulness. She is a psychotherapist, author, media expert and speaker. She has studied and worked in her field of counseling psychology for over 30 years and often speaks about mindfulness, stress reduction, mental health and relationships. Dr. Miles is personable and accessible in her books, articles and talks about how mindfulness and loving kindness can positively change your brain, your chemistry and your life. She can be reached at <a href="http://www.drlindamiles.com" target="_blank">www.DrLindaMiles.com</a> or followed on Twitter. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2014-05-05T17:45:00Z
How to Find Your Ideal Girlfriend
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Find-Your-Ideal-Girlfriend/-22723606573195220.html
2014-04-28T22:50:00Z
2014-04-28T22:50:00Z
<strong>Kezia Noble</strong><br /><a href="http://www.kezia-noble.com/"><strong>www.kezia-noble.com</strong></a><strong> <br /><br /></strong>
<p class="Body"><strong>1. Recognize your own self-worth.<br /></strong>A woman of quality will not be interested in a man who is unaware of his own self-worth. This does not mean you have to take on an 'over confident' or 'self inflated' view of yourself. Recognizing your self-worth means possessing the ability to know exactly what your strengths are, and what areas of your character are unfulfilled bubbles of potential. If you can take on this mind set, you will find that women will respond to you a lot more positively. <strong>A woman of quality want a man who is in the position to choose, not the man who is happy with what he can get.<br /><br />2. Never be dependent on a woman for your own happiness.<br /></strong>You must always make sure your partner is never entirely responsible for your ultimate happiness. You need to convey the message that what ever happens, even if they decide to leave you or give you some sort of ultimatum, you will NEVER break or beg them to stay, because<em> you </em>know that your ultimate happiness is down to you and not dependent on other people. This will signify strength and confidence that again will serve to heighten attraction and increase the appreciation they have for you.<strong><br /><br />3. Stop being a 'head nodder'.<br /></strong>When a woman states she wants a man who <em>really</em> listens to her, this does not mean she wants a man who just nods his head in agreement and bends his own reality in accordance with hers. What it really means, is she wants a man who PROVES he is really listening to her, not by sharing intense eye contact, but by responding to her with a challenge, an opinion or an alternative point of view. <strong>Listening does not always mean 'agreeing'</strong>. Women want men with opinions, controversial ideas and the ability to connect with them in a way that most men fail to do.<strong><br /><br />4. Show your vulnerable side in moderation.<br /></strong>A woman wants want a man who can show glimpses into the softer side of his nature BUT NOT TOO MUCH. A woman doesn't really want a man who is needy or dependent on her to fuel his confidence or support the fragile structure of his inner belief system. When a guy opens small windows that gives her a chance to peer inside the part of his personality that he hides from the rest of the world, it gives her a warm feeling that leaves her craving more. Women embark on a mini-crusades to reach out and explore the tender side of men. <strong>Vulnerability is attractive, but only in small doses. Getting the balance right is a game changer.<br /><br />5. Showing a woman respect doesn't mean you have to be a push over.<br /></strong>There is a big difference between being a man who allows women to over shadow his own presence and principles and a man who treats a woman as an equal. A woman often faces men who think they 'know better' in specific areas just because they happen to be a man, so this results in raising alarm bells that indicate she is dealing with a misogynist, This a classic error men make when they are trying to establish their alpha position. <strong>A man needs to take what a woman says seriously, and convey his understanding.</strong> This does not mean he should not challenger her or inspire her to take an alternative viewpoint, but it DOES mean he shouldn't belittle her.<strong><br /></strong></p>
<p class="Body"><br />Best-selling author, <strong>Kezia Noble</strong>, is the world’s leading <a href="http://www.kezia-noble.com/dating-coach/">dating expert for men.</a> Using her passion for helping others and her ability to give men the direct and honest advice they need to hear, she has helped over 47,000 men from across the globe. Her no nonsense approach to dating and her love methods have earned the reputation for being “the woman who gets men results“ For more information visit <a href="http://www.kezia-noble.com/">www.kezia-noble.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2014-04-28T22:50:00Z
Alone, But Not Lonely
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Alone,-But-Not-Lonely/686370615626026086.html
2014-04-07T18:06:00Z
2014-04-07T18:06:00Z
<strong>Mary Jayne Rogers Ph. D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a><br /><br /><br />
<p>Many of us find there are times in our lives when we are alone. Perhaps we are living alone as a young adult in our first apartment, or newly single after a divorce or loss of a partner. Unfortunately, the society we live in does not value the concept of alone. We are often made to feel as though aloneness is sad, depressing or even socially unacceptable. </p>
<p>If we have not grasped and accepted being alone with just "Our Self", being alone can make the space around us seem large or empty. When this happens we tend to "fill the void" with television, computer time, or background noise. If those methods are not satisfying, we may engage in unhealthy behaviors such as compulsive eating or drinking; whatever it takes to fill the emptiness.</p>
<p>It is important to make the distinction between being alone and being lonely. According to Clinical Psychologist Dr. Martha Carmody, a primary distinction between being alone and being lonely, is that when we are "lonely" we have a sense of longing. </p>
<p>This longing can come from feeling unsupported, misunderstood, or unacknowledged. While these feelings can present themselves as a result of being alone, they also often present themselves as a result of being with someone! When this happens, we can become truly lonely; sad, forlorn, miserable. We may long to be with someone who understands and values us as an essential being. When we find ourselves lonely while in an existing relationship, being alone can actually be a relief.</p>
<p>In either situation, it is vital to understand and value alone time. Paradoxically, being alone gives us the opportunity to commune with our SELF. Most of us have not taken the time to become acquainted with our inner self, our essence. Having time to yourself to get to know your "inner-you" can help move perception of "alone" to more positive concepts such as "solitude", "serenity", "quietude" or "inner peace". </p>
<p><strong>Cultivating Alone-Time</strong></p>
<p>Valuing alone-time can take some practice, especially if this is a new experience for you. Here are some tips to help you get started. If you find being alone to be uncomfortable or overwhelming, remember to take baby-steps. It is important that this time elicit feelings of ease and well-being.</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Get to know your Self. </strong> Contemplate your values and core beliefs. What brings you happiness? As you identify these things, try to focus on you as an individual and not actions that depend on another person. Can you recreate that sensation of joy as you contemplate these things?</li>
<li><strong>Acknowledge the beauty in nature.</strong> If it is possible, "experience" the out of doors. Don't just be there with your ear buds or cell phone. Take a few moments to notice; feel the air brushing along your skin, feel the warmth of the sun, become aware of the vibrancy of colors. Simply pay attention.</li>
<li><strong>Indulge your senses.</strong> Create an environment that nurtures your senses. A warm soak in a tub, soothing music, candles, flowers, quiet time reading, knitting or playing music are a few examples. Everyone is different. What is your special alone-time treat?</li>
<li><strong>Breathe. </strong> Of course this sounds obvious. But more often than not we allow busy-ness and activity to take over our thoughts, actions and atmosphere. Connecting to your breath, even if only for a few moments throughout the day, can help calm your brain and your body to illicit feelings of inner peace. Simply notice your breath. Feel your belly rise and fall. Relax your jaw and allow air to flow in and out comfortably and freely. Imagine that each inhale scrubs out stale thoughts and agitations. Each exhale clears your body and mind of these unhelpful distractions. Taking a few moments of alone time to connect to your breath facilitates calm, mental clarity, and a sense of well-being.</li>
</ul>
<p>These are only a few suggestions to help reframe the concept of "alone" from one that connotes "lonely", to one that represents harmony, comfort, and contentment. Healthy alone-time will help create a mini-retreat and enable to relish the time you have to spend with your most fundamental resource - your Self.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Mary Jayne Rogers</strong> is an Exercise Physiologist specializing in whole-person wellness and fitness education and instruction. As an educator, Mary Jayne brings multi-dimensional wellness and fitness experiences along with a welcoming and genuine teaching style to inspire students and wellness enthusiasts of all ages. Dr. Rogers is the owner of Profound Wellness LLC. <a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com/" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2014-04-07T18:06:00Z
Three Ways to Think Like Einstein and Attract New Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Three-Ways-to-Think-Like-Einstein-and-Attract-New-Love/892887234140935668.html
2014-03-17T14:15:00Z
2014-03-17T14:15:00Z
<strong>By Andrea Goeglein<br /></strong><a href="http://www.ServingSuccess.com" target="_blank">ServingSuccess.com</a>
<p>Has finding lasting love made you feel insane? Have you found yourself attracting the same type of mate and suffering through the same painful prolonged breakups? Have you vowed never - and I mean never - to date or fall in love again? Supposedly one far wiser than me, Mr. Albert Einstein himself, said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I don't know if he really said that, but I do know that it is true in every area of life and especially every area of finding love.</p>
<p>That is really not bad news because there are three easy ways to stop the insanity and find renewed faith in lasting love.</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Remember, old ways won't open new doors. </strong> Going to the same community meetings, having dinner with the same friends, eating lunch at the same restaurant, exercising at the same gym or park, may not appear insane on the surface. In fact, when your love life is tremulous, the consistency may even give you a false sense of security.<br /><br />But when it comes to attracting new opportunities for new relationships, your comfortable, secure daily patterns are a little like spending each day going around in a loveless revolving door and never exiting. That would be insane, won't it?</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Make sure you know the hypotenuse of your square. </strong>Love and geometry have a lot in common. When you are first learning about love, you wonder why you need to learn anything. Love comes natural, you protest. Love is something you will know how to do when you need it, you do not need to take a class in love, and you know that even if you took a class, you would forget the lessons when you needed them.<br /><br />Well recently I purchased a lamp. Yes, it was a lamp I loved. The lamp came in two pieces (get my metaphor?) and needed to fit perfectly for the design to work. I opened the two boxes and it was love at first sight. The frame was a wire cross that measured 26 inches. The shade was to fit inside the cross frame and it measured 32 inches. From the start I was confused. Clearly the manufacturer had made an error.<br /><br />How could a 32-inch perfectly square shade fit inside a 26 inch perfectly square frame? After returning the lamp and reordering three times from the same manufacture and getting the same result, I decided I knew how to stop the insanity. I would order the same lamp from a different vendor. Imagine my horror when the lamp arrived and I had a 26-inch frame and a 32-inch shade. Finally, I said there must be another way to look at this. I must be doing something wrong. With the help of a friend who did not think geometry class was a waste of time (again, notice the metaphor), we found a solution. The two pieces did fit perfectly if the hypotenuse of the shade was placed in the frame in a different way.<br /><br />Well, if you have ever fallen in love, thought it was a perfect match, only to find you just did not fit together, remember this story and remember to check the hypotenuse of your square.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Stop bad-mouthing yourself at every turn.</strong> It is insane to think you can love another, while you spend the majority of your day berating yourself for one thing or another. When you pass a mirror, what are you silently saying to yourself about your reflection? If you just met someone and they said those same things to you, would you consider them a potential love match? </li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Andrea Goeglein</strong> is an academically trained Applied Positive Psychologist. Andrea is a counselor, catalyst and personal mentor to CEO's of privately held companies and C-suite executives globally. Over her extensive career, she was a hotel owner and fast food franchisee, event organizer, CEO advisor, community activist, and author and media spokesperson. She is a recognized media expert in the application of positive psychology to daily life, business strategy and goal attainment. Andrea is an accredited Authentic Happiness Coach and authorized to administer Inscape Publishing's DiSC Profile® and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you would like to learn more about Andrea and her work go to <a href="http://www.ServingSuccess.com" target="_blank">ServingSuccess.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2014-03-17T14:15:00Z
Love or Hurt: Mindfulness as a Path to Joy and Healing
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Love-or-Hurt:-Mindfulness-as-a-Path-to-Joy-and-Healing/540246822172984342.html
2014-02-18T15:40:00Z
2014-02-18T15:40:00Z
<strong>By Dr. Linda Miles<br /></strong><a href="http://www.drlindamiles.com" target="_blank">DrLindaMiles.com</a>
<p>Peace, joy, and gratitude - feelings we all wish for, but ones that can be hard to come by in our stressful world. When we're bombarded with our own negative thoughts, it can make us feel as though we're in a self-made prison of blame and judgments, making it feel impossible to relish the good in our lives. Happiness has a biological basis, and research shows that we can take steps toward creating a positive and healthy mental space, despite the stresses of living in a demanding, technology-driven existence.</p>
<p>By actively exercising kindness and appreciation, we can promote the brain's natural production of oxytocin and dopamine- two chemicals that help us feel pleasure and well-being, while decreasing the secretion of adrenaline and cortisol, which make us feel agitation and stress. By focusing on simple pleasures and practicing a mindfulness of the present moment, we can get out of our own heads and into the world around us, allowing for an increased awareness and connectivity to the blessings and positivity in our lives.</p>
<p>It's encouraging to know that learning mindfulness is possible. Ups and downs, joys and stresses, and hopes and expectations can all guide us to learn to take better care of ourselves and redefine the way we think about ourselves and others, which in turn changes our perception of the world around us. As neuroscientist Dr. Wayne Drevets attests, "In the brain, practice makes permanent." If you would like to try some practices to foster your own peace of mind, here are some suggestions:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. </strong>Focus on your breathing. When breathing in, think, <em>"be."</em> When breathing out, think, <em>"calm."</em> Breathe in and out slowly and purposefully.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>2. </strong>Spend 30 seconds (or more) allowing your attention and senses to be fully in the present. Focus on simple, tactile pleasures; the scent of pine needles on a tree, a fabric's texture against your fingers, or the taste and aroma of homemade bread.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. </strong>Label your negative thoughts. Categorize them as "judgment," "fear," or "reliving the past," as they pass through your mind. Then, redirect your attention back to the here and now.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4.</strong> Understand that you may have been programmed to engage in a negative way of thinking, and with this understanding, recognize that you have the choice to turn toward positivity instead. Many of us come to realize negativity has somehow become our "default" way of thinking, and we had been moving through life on autopilot.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;">Work on generating those positive chemicals: oxytocin and dopamine. Repeat in your mind: <br />• May I be at peace <br />• May I be healed <br />• May I send out loving kindness to others <br />• May you be at peace <br />• May you be healed <br />• May you be filled with loving kindness</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5.</strong> Notice when you feel moments of joy, and focus on what brought you that joy.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>6.</strong> Notice when you feel jealous or resentful and ask yourself why that happened. If a negative thought finds its way through, simply notice and acknowledge that thought, then return to the moment.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>8. </strong> Forgive yourself. Say, "For the ways I was jealous or resentful, may I forgive myself."</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>9. </strong> Give appreciation to yourself. Appreciate when you have offered kindness and love to others.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>10. </strong>Notice the many blessing around you. Consider writing down these blessings as the day ends.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>11.</strong> Intend to look for joy, love, and miracles around you. If you have trouble noticing such things, ask yourself why.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>12. </strong>Set "mindfulness alerts" as reminders to stop during the day and experience the moment.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Linda Miles</strong> is a leading expert on relationships and mindfulness. She is a psychotherapist, author, media expert and speaker. She has studied and worked in her field of counseling psychology for over 30 years and often speaks about mindfulness, stress reduction, mental health and relationships. Dr. Miles is personable and accessible in her books, articles and talks about how mindfulness and loving kindness can positively change your brain, your chemistry and your life. She can be reached at <a href="http://www.drlindamiles.com" target="_blank">www.DrLindaMiles.com</a> or followed on Twitter. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2014-02-18T15:40:00Z
An Old Wife's Tale
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/An-Old-Wifes-Tale/-640739480504294807.html
2013-12-09T14:59:00Z
2013-12-09T14:59:00Z
<strong>Jaimie M. Engle</strong><br /><a href="http://www.jaimiengle.com/" target="_blank">JaimiEngle.com</a><br />
<p>Marriage. It's blissful and painful, magical and mind splitting all rolled up in 'til death do us part'. Yes, I'm a woman, but this is not a piece on male bashing or on what the husbands are doing wrong. This is addressed to the wives who hold more power over the happiness of their marriage than they know.</p>
<p>For starters, let me explain a basic truth of men and women that was shared with me. Men need respect. Women need love. Wives, if you respect your husbands they desire to love you. Wives who feel loved desire to respect their husbands. When this circle gets broken it feeds itself, morphing into two separate lines which move further and further from each other until eventually becoming parallel. </p>
<p>Did you know wives do not have the right not to respect their husbands if they are not feeling loved? I know some of you just gasped deep enough to suck a few letters off of the page, but hear me out. As a wife you are called to honor your husband. This is not an 'if-then' statement. It is your vows in action under the covenant of marriage. The problem arises when wives treat their marriage as a contract and not a covenant. </p>
<p>In a contract, "if" one party shrugs their responsibility "then" the other party has the right to suspend their responsibilities, even to the point of legally breaking the contract on grounds that the contract was not fulfilled. Marriage is a covenant. It is a lifelong promise to remain faithful and unified as one flesh separated only by death. Are there exceptions? Of course, but this piece is addressed to the majority and not the circumstantial.</p>
<p>In my observances of my own marriage and the marriages of others, there are five major flaws that wives consistently do which have long term, detrimental impacts on their marriages. They are categorized as <strong>belittling, not being a helper, withholding sex, poor communication</strong>, and <strong>pride</strong>.</p>
<p>Alright, let's break those down. <strong>Belittling</strong> is an insulting action which cuts your husband at the core. It goes against everything you are to be as a wife. By belittling your husband you are stating, "Not only do I not respect you as my husband, but I also think you are stupid as a person and I am better than you." If you just shook your head in agreement, let me pose a situation: You are standing in a group of people and your husband has just asked you to get the keys. You return empty handed telling him you couldn't find them in the bag. Your husband says, "I've got to do everything myself. Women are useless," then walks away. How do you feel?</p>
<p>First of all, most husbands are way too courteous to treat their wives like that in public, the way that most wives easily do. If they did, imagine how much worse you'd feel if suddenly all the husbands chimed in and began wife bashing on your behalf? Doesn't this sound like a typical conversation when wives get together?</p>
<p>How many wives complain that their husbands won't help out with the chores or the children and then tell them that they are doing it wrong and push them out of the way to do it 'right'? Are we really that much smarter than our husbands? How do they perform at their jobs without our help, being as stupid as they are? What happened to excitedly listening to his advice and coaching when we were dating, hanging on his every word, and lovingly expecting him to ride in on his horse and sweep us off our feet? Too accurately, we've probably stabbed that man to death and buried him six feet under.</p>
<p><strong>Wives are helpers</strong>, remember? That whole deep sleep, rib thing, in the Garden of Eden. Why then do wives degrade their husbands and insult their intelligence? Just imagine how you'd react if your husband spoke at you and belittled you the way you do him. I doubt you'd respond as kindly as he does.</p>
<p>Speaking of being a helper, are you? Wives, I am about to get old school on you. At your root you were created to be a helper to your man first and foremost...not his mama! If you are a stay-at-home mom, you are responsible for the home. While your husband is off at work, you do the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, and care for the kids. This is a typical trade off.</p>
<p>I hear women complain that while they sit at night folding laundry their husbands sit uselessly by watching television in the recliner. The only problem I see is that the wife is still working instead of spending time with her husband. Yes, I said it. See, hubbie is out working all day long. He doesn't want to come home and do your job too. I mean, how would you feel if he called you from work complaining that you weren't helping him make sales calls, manage personnel, or lay tile? Again, I'm certain your response wouldn't be as kind as his is when you give him the silent treatment, yell and complain, or withhold sex because he won't help you.</p>
<p>Which leads me to my next point: be fruitful and multiply. <strong>Having sex</strong> is a crucial part of your marriage. The kind of sex you had during the first year of your marriage, not this bi-monthly "favor" that you are doing him by letting him have some. And you like to be romanced, don't you? What about your husband? So does he, just not the way you think. Husbands remember how you were when you were dating, when you held hands, played hard to get, and behaved like you were actually attracted to him.</p>
<p>Why not text your husband that you're thinking about him and want to mess around that night? Do you think he'd notice that girl at the office if you were flirting like that? Be dressed up when he comes home once in a while, hold his hand on the couch, or make out after the kids go to bed. Remind him that you think he's sexy and you are still attracted to him. Don't leave him to initiate all the action and then act annoyed, because I promise you some woman out there thinks your husband is attractive and unlike you, she's not afraid to show him.</p>
<p>I know you may not always be in the mood, but sometimes my husband isn't in the mood to talk when I am, but he still does. And I don't know about you, but I have never had sex with my husband and when it was over thought, "Thank God that's finished. I had such a terrible time!" I have always enjoyed myself. Many times when I'm not in the mood I remember that, and it changes how I feel and act immediately. But really, I find the more I flirt, the more I genuinely want to have sex with my husband, the closer our relationship is.</p>
<p>So now, let's talk...how about <strong>poor communication</strong> as the next topic. It goes something like this: "But, he should know..." or "I shouldn't have to ask/tell him. I dropped enough hints." Listen, point blank, your husband is not a mind reader. And he isn't selfish or insensitive on the whole, anymore than you are when you don't meet his needs that you may not be aware of.</p>
<p>See, when you find yourself moving into this school of thought, you have to decide either he loves you or he doesn't. If he loves you, then you can assume he wants to be a part of your life, be helpful, and see you happy. So if he does anything that contradicts these thoughts then there must have been a miscommunication, because he loves you. If you answered no, you don't think he loves you, than you need advice from someone much smarter than I am.</p>
<p>For the rest of you, wives, you need to talk to your husband as if you love him and he loves you. I mean, would you speak that way to your girlfriend? Would you set such high expectations on her? Would you get as angry with her if she let you down or hurt you, as you do with your husband? My guess is no. My advice is to lighten up. This man is supposed to be your best friend, and at best many husbands feel more like you're their parole officer than their wife.</p>
<p>Communicate what you feel with respect and love. Don't nag and yell or tell him where he's fallen short. Instead, tell him how you feel and ask him to help find a solution with you. Respect his right to be a human being independent of you and embrace his strengths and his weaknesses. In all reality, your husband probably thinks differently than you, does things differently than you, and processes things differently than you. Instead of competing with him, learn from him and grow with him. </p>
<p>To truly become one flesh, you have to believe that he fills areas where you are lacking and you do the same for him. If you don't, then you believe that you are a complete human being by yourself and you have all the answers to all life's problems, in which case you shouldn't have gotten married. And this type of thinking is the basis of the last detrimental flaw I've observed in my marriage and the marriages of others, and that is pride. <strong>Pride</strong> is at the center of everything I've written about and it will fuel the fire of discord in marriage.</p>
<p>The bottom line is wives have so much control over the happiness of their marriage and unfortunately many of them do not use that gift to their advantage. I mean, who wants to spend 'til death do us part' counting down the days! Marriage is a blessing. It's a lifetime partnership through good and bad, learning and growing, and supporting each other as equals. Wives, love your husbands. Respect your husbands. Honor your husbands. Remember those women who have lost husbands to death who would trade with you in a heartbeat the next time you are picking his socks up off the floor. Think of those widowed moms who would give anything to have a husband who interfered with her bedtime routine to let the kids stay up late. But most importantly, think about your husband the way you did when you first met him, and make an effort to be that woman that he fell in love with.<br /><br /><strong>Jaimie Engle</strong> has run a body shop, managed a hip-hop band, and danced at the Aloha Bowl halftime show. Her articles and short stories have appeared in <em>Writer’s Digest, Clubhouse Jr. Magazine, </em>and her debut middle grade novel, <em>Clifton Chase and the Arrow of Light</em>, is available on Amazon. Download the first 6 chapters for free, and fun sheets for the kiddos, from her website at <a href="http://www.jaimiengle.com/" target="_blank">JaimiEngle.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2013-12-09T14:59:00Z
5 Reasons Why No Relationship is a Waste of Time
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Reasons-Why-No-Relationship-is-a-Waste-of-Time/119282922671764481.html
2013-12-02T08:00:00Z
2013-12-02T08:00:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />
<p>Relationships are by far our greatest teachers. When we are in love with someone we always have the hope this person could be the one that we spend our lives with. Each relationship starts off with that hope and intention, which is why when it ends, it is extremely painful. The greatest thing about each relationship we have is it serves as mirror for where we need to grow.</p>
<p><strong>5 Reasons Why No Relationship is a Waste of Time</strong></p>
<p><strong><em>1) The wrong relationship prepares us for the right one:</em></strong> Relationships which do not stand the test of time always have a gift for us. We can look at what didn't work in the relationship and become clearer about how we want our next relationship to look. Once we have that image we have grown into a new idea about what love is and can be. </p>
<p><strong><em>2) If a relationship didn't bring us what we wanted it did teach us what we didn't want:</em></strong> Knowing what kind of treatment we don't want makes us very clear on the kinds of treatment we do want. This is a great way to develop new standards by which we want to love as we are more aware of what we will accept and what we will not. </p>
<p><strong><em>3) We learn about our patterns:</em></strong> We bring our old patterns into each relationship. When we start repeating patterns that create arguments, chaos, rejection or abandonment, we can use these lessons to see what we need to change and where we need to grow. It really isn't about changing our partners because they are not responsible for the patterns we bring into our relationships. There is nothing more valuable than going into a relationship and learning how our patterns contributed to its demise.</p>
<p><em><strong>4) Self-respect:</strong></em> When we are in a relationship we can either gain self-respect or lose it depending upon how we allow ourselves to be treated. Relationships are the best places to learn where and how we need to respect ourselves. We learn we do not do anyone any favors by allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. We learn what our limits are and we act upon those limits by asserting ourselves when we have been hurt. Our relationships give us the arena to learn to act on our own behalf in an effort to step into our value. </p>
<p><em><strong>5) Grief promotes growth: </strong></em> A well lived life is a well grieved life. Life is a process of beginnings and endings. Whenever a relationship ends we experience its loss. We tend to identify strongly with those we love, so when the relationship ends, we have to get back to ourselves, deal with loneliness for a while and lean into those uncomfortable emotions. When we are in pain we are growing and this is what gets us more strongly identified as individuals. Each loss in our life is meant to bring us into a closer relationship with ourselves and where we need to mature, grow, love ourselves and become more confident.</p>
<p>As we take each relationship for what it is, we will see that the learning to come from each is invaluable as a mirror to learning about ourselves. Relationships are the playground where love, self-esteem, insecurity, worth and value all get to play and help define each other. As these states all intermingle, and we combine and try out different mixtures, we soon come up with a working formula of what works best for us in relationships.</p>
<p><em><strong>Little Life Message:</strong></em> Each relationship is a gift in getting to know and learn about ourselves better and with more value.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a> and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, "Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication." She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-12-02T08:00:00Z
When Life Gets Hard: Get Deliberate! 6 Ways to Develop Courage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Life-Gets-Hard:-Get-Deliberate!-6-Ways-to-Develop-Courage/-260770886373841552.html
2013-11-18T16:16:00Z
2013-11-18T16:16:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />
<p>Life is challenging for us all. We are in the constant flux of change and rearranging ourselves around life to be able to go with its flow. Life challenges us to grow each and every day, as there is always some obstacle that will present itself which will create fear and anxiety. If we run away from our challenges, life will continue to get harder, not necessarily because the lessons get harder, but because we are not developing the skills we need to deal with the challenges. Each challenge we face gives us the opportunity to run from it or we can choose to get deliberate about it, take it seriously and look it in the face. This is a great way to develop courage. </p>
<p><em><strong>6 Ways to Develop Courage:</strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong>1) Set your standards:</strong></em> No one can set your standards in life for you but you. Your standards reflect who you are. If you have standards in place, you will encourage yourself to face your fears and get deliberate about growing in this life. You will not take the easy way out but rather you will choose to do the path of hard work, knowing your hard work is where the rewards of life come from.</p>
<p><em><strong>2) Evaluate where you get lost:</strong></em> It is easy to get lost in life when we are feeling vulnerable, without love or are dealing with rejection. This is not a time to shrink, nor is it a time to get puffed up in your ego and behave as if you are certain when you are not. It is simply a time to get deliberate on examining the path that has led you to this current state of pain and become thoughtful about improving yourself and your skills. </p>
<p><em><strong>3) Stand your ground:</strong></em> There is something deeply encouraging about standing your ground. This isn't about being stubborn, it is about standing in truth of who you are and in what you will or will not tolerate. When you stand your ground you are making a statement of your value. You let the world know you have limits to what you are willing to accept in your life.</p>
<p><em><strong>4) Enliven Your Worth:</strong></em> Your inner world is your place of worth. Each time you are courageous and you surpass a challenge you once feared, you enliven and expand your sense of worth. Your worth has no limits as long as you are facing your fears. Each fear you face aids you developing more trust in yourself and you become more centered and confident as a person. </p>
<p><em><strong>5) Stay away from drama:</strong></em> The healthier you become the more pointed you become about staying away from drama. Drama, as you grow, will no longer fit into your standards. There simply is no room for it. You recognize that peace is much more powerful than noise. </p>
<p><strong><em>6) Letting go: </em></strong> You must learn to let go of having the need to be everything to everyone. You must get serious about creating a life that comes from quiet confidence. You must let go of what you have no control over and refocus on what you can control. As you let go, you learn to let each soul walk their path. When you let go, you learn to have the courage to face life on your own knowing that whatever leaves your life will soon be replaced by something better and more fulfilling.</p>
<p>By facing challenges in life head on, you will become courageous and resilient. You learn that you can take the hard road, you can succeed in the climb through your fears and vulnerabilities, and you can reach the top. You see that it takes a lot of effort to climb up the mountain of fear, but it takes no effort at all to fall down it and quit. If you quit or if you do not try, you cannot develop courage. To develop courage, you must be deliberate.</p>
<p><em><strong>Little Life Message:</strong></em> You cannot expect anyone to take responsibility for your welfare. You must be deliberate and courageous in taking care of yourself first.</p>
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a> and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, "Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication." She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-11-18T16:16:00Z
7 Ways to Emerge from Heartbreak Better than Ever
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Emerge-from-Heartbreak-Better-than-Ever/63844206919728680.html
2013-10-07T14:44:00Z
2013-10-07T14:44:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />
<p>Breakups are perhaps one of the most devastating experiences we can have in life. When we have been so in love with someone, let our guards down and given our hearts, the loss of this relationship can produce a host of very negative experiences from shock, anger, debilitating sadness, a lack of understanding and numbness. It shatters your identity. There is nothing easy about loss or going through the grief, but there is one thing you can hold tight to and never lose and that is how you handle yourself after a break up. If you do it correctly, you will find a respect for yourself you never knew you could have.</p>
<p><strong>7 Ways to Emerge from Heartbreak Better than Ever</strong></p>
<p><strong>1. Accept that break ups hurt like hell:</strong> This is the very first step. You are going to be traveling a grueling and painful road for a while. The heart heals much slower than the mind wants to move, so if you can understand this from the start then you will heal more efficiently and authentically. Be open to and prepared for it to hurt and hurt for as long as it is going to.</p>
<p><strong>2. Have a plan:</strong> When dealing with shock and profound change it is helpful to create a plan. Figure out where you need to move, know what friends and family you have to help you and support you, get into some therapy, stay busy with work, exercise, eat correctly, get enough rest and your emotions will be easier to manage.</p>
<p><strong>3. Silence speaks louder than words:</strong> Staying silent after a split is the most important plan of action. You cannot force someone to love you and the more you try, the more respect you lose for yourself and from your ex. Groveling is not classy.</p>
<p><strong>4. Knowledge is power:</strong> Read everything you can on how to get through a breakup. Educate yourself on loss, on how to deal with shock, and strategies to deal with your emotions. If you have been dumped by a man, study male psychology to help you understand how he is thinking. If you have been dumped by a girl, study female psychology to better understand her. This understanding will help you heal.</p>
<p><strong>5. Self-Control:</strong> Remember you are in control of you. Controlling your impulses to call, contact, stalk and talk to you partner takes willpower, but it is 100% necessary if you are to come out of this break up with your dignity. Self-control is sexy and it is the best way to get your ex to feel regret. If you cannot control yourself and you give your ex a safety net, there will be no rush for your ex to change their mind.</p>
<p><strong>6. Keep Moving:</strong> Whatever you do don't stop. Movement is power. Make time for the tears and the tissue but keep moving. Exercise, eat great, work hard, read, journal, go out with friends, and smile through the tears. Movement shows your ex you can live without him/her and be happy doing it. Most importantly you show this to yourself.</p>
<p><strong>7. Get better not bitter:</strong> Go out in the world and be loving toward others. Do not let one person make you bitter towards humankind. When we are loving toward others we draw love back to us. Be a beacon of light in your weakest times and see how much you have the power to shift your world. </p>
<p>If you take these seven steps you will increase your confidence and self-respect. When you can control your needy desperate feelings and you can take care of them yourself, not only do you increase in your maturity and elegance, but you also ensure that if your ex did not respect you at the time of the break up, your ex will have the utmost respect for you now.</p>
<p><strong>Little life message:</strong> No ex is worth your dignity. Respect yourself enough to take on the brave task of letting go. There is nothing so beautiful as to know that even with broken wings you can still fly.</p>
<strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Yourself-Mastery-Being-Person/dp/1477289321/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358475260&sr=8-1&keywords=Loving+Yourself+The+Mastery+of+Being+Your+Own+Person" target="_blank">Loving Yourself</a> and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, "Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication." She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2013-10-07T14:44:00Z
Five Things to Consider Before Deciding Your New Love is the One
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Things-to-Consider-Before-Deciding-Your-New-Love-is-the-One/-705815951786562099.html
2013-09-16T21:08:00Z
2013-09-16T21:08:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />Love and connection are the sustenance of life. Love is the super delicious treat in life. It's wonderful. In fact, love is simply the best feeling in the world. The challenge is that the first few months of any relationship are consumed with the lusty kind of love and our brains are high on dopamine. We have absolutely no objectivity in this phase. All we can do is think about and obsess over our lover. This is not the real nitty-gritty love where a person's real qualities actually come out and show themselves. Here are five ways to tell if this one is the ONE. <br /><br /><strong>1) Your love is the one if you respect him/her.</strong> When we respect someone we operate with a higher level of self-awareness and self-control. Respect abolishes immaturity because it brings with it a certain standard of treatment which sets limits without any words being said. When we respect someone we always want to be our highest quality self as we realize there is no room or desire to take advantage of this person in any way. You admire everything he/she stands for-how they treat people, how they view the world. <br /><br /><strong>2) Your love is the One if you are crazy attracted to each other.</strong> Sexual attraction can wear off once the lusty stage is over, if your partner is not the one. When you are with the one, the sexual intimacy only gets better and more creative as you are able to feel more and more comfortable and free to be yourself in the relationship. <br /><br /><strong>3) Your love is your closest confidant:</strong> As you grow together you will find that you are able to tell this person any and everything. You can confess your successes and insecurities and feel safe either way. There is no jealousy or degrading going on when you are sharing. You feel safe and totally accepted.<br /><br /><strong>4) You agree on the basic things in life.</strong> Your love is the one when you operate in life from similar philosophies from the smaller details to the bigger picture. You also make room and space for small differences and have no problems compromising because the compromises are not major. <br /><br /><strong>5). You are supported and encouraged to be the best version of yourself.</strong> You are able to be as expansive as you desire to be without your partner being intimidated or needing you to shrink to make him/her more comfortable. Your love is not threatened by your dreams. Your hard work and commitment to achieve them are supported by your partner. Your love is the ONE when they do anything in their power to assist you in being the biggest and best version of you.<br /><br />When you are with the one, there are no games. You are not being called late as the last option, put on the side or made to feel insecure. You are never in question of your place in his/her life where you feel like you have to lobby for a position. When you partner is the one, you can relax and feel safe and yet you are inspired to give the best version of yourself each day to make this commitment work. There is nothing about this relationship that you feel could pull it apart. You communicate, you trust and you support each other even through your differences. You are good with team work and cooperation and finding mutually beneficial solutions. If you are in a relationship and you are not feeling safe, then it cannot be the relationship that is going to take you into the true experience of love. You will feel pain and hope for love and that my friends, is not love. Love is high level, interesting, and it can only grow in intensity as you grow as individual people. True love embraces the individuality of each partner. If you are in anything less than this experience of love, start to respect yourself the way you would want your partner to and soon you will outgrow your low level experience and pull in someone wonderful. <br /><br /><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, “Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.” She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2013-09-16T21:08:00Z
9 Steps to Eliminating Resentment in Your Day
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Steps-to-Eliminating-Resentment-in-Your-Day/-97834863011256575.html
2013-09-09T14:51:00Z
2013-09-09T14:51:00Z
<strong>By Mary Jayne Rogers Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a><br /><br />
<p>Most of us have experienced some level of resentment at one point or another in our lives. Many of us may feel resentment often, maybe even constantly. Resentment can spiral out of control, fester in our lives and begin to take over our thoughts, actions and even our wellbeing. Resentment can overwhelm our innate sense of joy and ease. </p>
<p>How do we overcome these feelings and regain contentment and peace of mind? Here are 9 steps to help control the downward spiral of resentment.</p>
<p> </p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Understand what resentment is. </strong> Resentment can show up as bitterness over the perception of being treated unfairly. It can manifest through jealousy, anger, hatred and resentment. It is important to understand that resentment is all about you. It is your emotion.</li>
<li>Once you have identified that dark, bitter feeling that begins to grow from within, <strong>call yourself out on it.</strong> Ask yourself, “What is this ugliness I am feeling?” Look at it. Examine it. Roll it over in your mind. Acknowledge your feelings.</li>
<li><strong>Ask “Why?”</strong> What caused you to feel this way? Did this come from jealousy? Do you believe you have been wronged in some way? Do you have a sense of righteousness about your feelings? Recognize the trigger for your feelings.</li>
<li><strong>Understand that only you can control your feelings.</strong> The feelings associated with resentment set off a negative chain of reactions in your mind and body that can damage your relationships at home, at work and even your health. Once you understand that you are experiencing resentment and why, you can begin to take ownership of your feelings rather than project them on to another person or situation. Taking ownership puts you back in control.</li>
<li><strong>Prepare to be rid of resentment. </strong> In the emotion of resentment, you are having a conversation with yourself. Now is the time to change the conversation. Using tools such as those offered by Newberg and Waldmen from <em>Words Can Change Your Brain </em> (2012); take time to slow your breathing, begin to relax the muscles in your face, neck and shoulders. Deepen your breath. Try to yawn a time or two. Begin to sigh through your exhale, noticing the vibration of the sound in your chest. This allows you to relax and focus your brain as well as release the tension caused by your emotion.</li>
<li><strong>Imagine the voice that keeps playing in your head. </strong> Who is doing the talking? Ask yourself, “Is this who I am?” “Is this my innermost value?” No. It is not. Now identify your deepest value. Is it happiness? Peace? Compassion?</li>
<li>Now that you have rediscovered this part of your self, <strong>look for these qualities in your environment.</strong> Find the beauty around you everywhere you look; perhaps a smiling face, a flowering plant, a busy squirrel, a contented pet. Acknowledge this beauty in your life. Find gratitude in the joy you are experiencing and your ability to recognize it.</li>
<li><strong>Offer this expression of beauty, life, and happiness to others. </strong> Consider the feelings others. A simple gesture will do: A smile, opening a door for a stranger, offering your seat on the bus, or letting a driver into a crowded lane. By putting your negativity aside, you open the gates for goodness to flow through you. Your emotions and your spirit spiral upward.</li>
<li>When circumstances arise in which you find your emotions leading down the path of resentment, recognize that you are on your own path and <strong>you have the ability to choose the higher ground.</strong> </li>
</ol>
<p class="ListParagraphCxSpLast"> </p>
<p><strong>Dr. Mary Jayne Rogers</strong> is an Exercise Physiologist specializing in whole-person wellness and fitness education and instruction. As an educator, Mary Jayne brings multi-dimensional wellness and fitness experiences along with a welcoming and genuine teaching style to inspire students and wellness enthusiasts of all ages. Dr. Rogers is the owner of Profound Wellness LLC. <a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
<br />
Staff
2013-09-09T14:51:00Z
Five Ingredients to Maintain a Great Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ingredients-to-Maintain-a-Great-Marriage/791613317761548998.html
2013-08-05T14:05:00Z
2013-08-05T14:05:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />Great marriages are experienced by the people who have made the decision to grow with the marriage. If you are going to have a lasting marriage, individual growth from each spouse is necessary. Marriages have their ups and downs, but if each spouse is willing to evolve and gain a new skill set to pass through their rougher times, glean the proper wisdom for staying committed and not quit on each other, the marriage will likely stand the test of time. If your marriage started off with love, then you can use that love as the fuel to stay in love.<br /><br /><strong>Five Ingredients to Maintain a Great Marriage: </strong><br /><br /><strong>1. Treat your spouse like the household pet:</strong> When they come home, greet them at the door with love and acknowledgement. Let them know you have been waiting all day to see them and spend time with them. Be interested in their day, what they did and didn't do, and show excitement about their return home. <br /><br /><strong>2. Physical affection: </strong> Whenever you are around your spouse, you should be touching on some level. Kiss in the morning, before leaving for work and when you get home from work. Physical affection (hugging, kissing, snuggling, hand-holding) is vital to remembering that you are husband and wife. Even if you are mad, keep the affection alive. A hard day is often softened by the touch of your partner. <br /><br /><strong>3. Verbal affirmation:</strong> Verbally affirm your spouse with praise and compliments. If you want to feel good in your marriage, make sure your partner feels good - you will find that compliments are contagious. As they are given, they will uplift your partner, who will then be filled with seeing the good in you as well. There is always a way to find something beautiful about your spouse. Say, "I love you". You can never love someone too much when love is abundant. Let your partner know how much they are loved.<br /><br /><strong>4. Quality time together: </strong>It is important to get away from the kids, friends, work and other distractions to share quality time. Many marriages get lost in all these details, and you forget how to be alone together. Alone time creates the space for intimate conversations to take place. Intimacy is emotional, and connecting with each other verbally is a great way to establish and maintain that intimacy. If you stop talking to each other, the marriage will stop growing.<br /><br /><strong>5. Sexual intimacy: </strong> Sadly, sex is often one of the first things to go in a marriage the longer you have been in it. It is easy to be too tired, too stressed or not interested. Once this element is gone, there really is nothing that makes you married anymore. You have become good friends and roommates. Quality time brings the emotional intimacy into the relationship, which should then be followed up with sexual intimacy so the physical love connection can be made, and you remember how great it feels to connect this deeply. <br /><br />Many of us think having a great marriage is as rare as winning the lottery. But it really isn't about marrying "the one". There is definitely more than one right person in this world for everyone. It is about you becoming "the one". It is about you becoming a person who is someone that can sustain and thrive in a marriage. Choose to be a loving and lovable person in your marriage. Be someone YOU would want to marry yourself. Think about that: <em>Would you marry you?</em> If not, then make the necessary changes to become that right person for yourself and your partner. If there are troubles in the marriage, be patient and don't give up. Develop the new skills necessary to make your marriage work. <br /><br /><strong>Little life message: </strong>As you grow, your marriage will grow with you.<br /><br />
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, “Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.” She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-08-05T14:05:00Z
I Want to Be in Love - Why Is It so Elusive?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Want-to-Be-in-Love---Why-Is-It-so-Elusive/-349545407201581473.html
2013-07-22T14:04:00Z
2013-07-22T14:04:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br /><strong>10 Clarity Points on Love</strong><br /><br />Relationships are our greatest teachers of what love is and what love is not. When we learn what love is not, it gives us a better idea of what to look for in an effort to find what love is. For something so simple, love or the idea of love can often bring us more confusion than clarity. <br /><br /><strong>What love is: </strong><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Love is open.</strong> Love should not be used to dictate to another person what the rules on their behavior should be. Love does not ask people to shrink to make others more comfortable. Love expands, it does not demand. </li>
<li><strong>You can feel love in your gut. </strong>Your gut will tell you when you are in a relationship where you are not being loved, respected or treated kindly. If you are being treated poorly, you do not have to stay in that relationship. Love should make you feel secure, not diminished.</li>
<li><strong>Love is fair.</strong> Love is not about trading. Love does not make bargains or set limits. Love wants for the ever-expansion of each individual in the relationship. No one who truly loves you should want to control your actions: what you can and cannot have, and what you should or should not do to make another person feel secure.</li>
<li><strong>Love starts with you. </strong> The first love relationship you should have is with yourself. If you love yourself, you will attract another healthy person to your life to love you back. So, love yourself first and all positive relationships in your life will be born out of that. </li>
<li><strong>Love gives permission.</strong> Being in love should not mean you give up your hobbies, your friends, your passions or individual tastes in life. Love should not be about giving things up; it should be about developing yourself and your life even more.</li>
</ol>
<p><strong>What love is not:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Saying, "I love you," should not be used as an avoidance phrase.</strong> Love should be expressed when it is deeply felt. Sometimes saying, "I love you," is a way to avoid the emptiness which exists in the relationship. It can act as a band-aid instead of a real life giving force. </li>
<li><strong>Love doesn't need proving.</strong> Love is not something to have to substantiate to someone over and over again. You can literally lose yourself trying to prove yourself. You cannot fill up someone's insecure places no matter how hard you may try. If they don't love themselves, you cannot make them feel your love.</li>
<li><strong>Love isn't a good reason to stay in a horrible relationship. </strong> If you are consistently not fulfilled or satisfied in your love relationships, then you need to consider what the real reasons are that you stay. Maybe you need to love yourself enough to find something or someone that is better for you.</li>
<li><strong>Love is not a reason to be miserable for the rest of your life.</strong> We often stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear, obligation and/or guilt. Living this way allows fear to dictate your decisions rather than love.</li>
<li><strong>Love is not a reason to accept substandard treatment. </strong> You do not deserve to be treated poorly. Take a moment to think about that. Love does not treat people poorly. Never stay somewhere unhealthy in the name of love. </li>
</ol>If love has become confusing and overly painful, this may be the first sign that you are experiencing what love is not. Love is gentle. Love is open. Love is not fear. The more secure you are in your life, the higher quality love you will find outside yourself. <br /><br /><strong>Little Life Message: True love starts within you.</strong><br /><br />
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, “Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.” She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-07-22T14:04:00Z
In a Marital Rut?: 8 Ways to Make Your Marriage Juicy!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/In-a-Marital-Rut:-8-Ways-to-Make-Your-Marriage-Juicy!/-530497828202337277.html
2013-05-13T14:04:00Z
2013-05-13T14:04:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />It is very easy to get stuck in habitual patterns in a marriage that become rote and uninspiring. As we get too familiar with our partners, we can become more like siblings, lacking desire. There are so many ways to make your marriage juicy, you just have to decide that it is what you want your marriage to feel like and live it out consciously. If you had passion for your partner in the beginning, there is no other reason than laziness if that passion goes away. Remember, familiarity breeds boredom. Step outside the comfort zone of your routine and make your marriage spicy!<br /><br /><strong>8 Ways to a Juicy Marriage:</strong><br /><br /><strong>1. Love your life:</strong> Independence and a sense of purpose are sexy. So whether you engage in personal development, spiritual enrichment, working out, or having a great career, you become a person that is more confident, peaceful and evolved. This makes you more unpredictable and interesting to your spouse. If you have no love for yourself or passion for your life, you will not offer anything new to make things juicy. There is nothing juicier than looking at your partner and finding him or her intriguing.<br /><br /><strong>2. Connect with your dreams:</strong> Become passionate and invigorated in all the things you do. If you are going to clean the house, walk the dog or embark on a new endeavor, do it with a great attitude. Nurture the vision of what kind of energy you dream to have as a person and extend that out. It is amazing how a passionate person with a great attitude becomes very sexy to their partner.<br /><br /><strong>3. Flirt: </strong>Flirting opens a marriage up to fun. Send your partner sweet and sexy text messages they would not be expecting. We all love to feel that we are desired, attractive and still sexy. Newness is sexy, and flirting is a great way to make things feel new and fresh again. <br /><br /><strong>4. Surprise your partner with an unexpected gift:</strong> Do not wait around for holidays or other events to take the initiative to show thoughtfulness. Send a little gift or plan a great night, just because. It is often more meaningful to receive an unexpected surprise than to receive one that is planned and expected. <br /><br /><strong>5. Show pride in your partner: </strong>In marriage, it is easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception/role. Get out of that. Publicly brag about your partner's amazing qualities. Refrain from making them the brunt of a joke. Your partner needs you to act maturely instead of like a teasing child/bully (not sexy). Embrace their positive qualities and let them know you fully have their back. <br /><br /><strong>6. Quality time:</strong> Plan special time for the two of you. Date night should be mandatory. The kids need to see you going out, having fun, touching and laughing together. You need to focus on being a fun and engaging couple. Quality time helps you to take a moment to reconnect and remember how great your relationship really is.<br /><br /><strong>7. Laugh and be lighthearted:</strong> Marriages that are not juicy have a bad case of seriosity. Life, work, kids, financial pressures, and restraints all have a way of taking over and engulfing the marriage. Take a break, put the stressors to the side and find the lighter side of the day to smile and laugh about. There is nothing sexier than a smile and a happy partner. It's hard to feel juicy about a Debbie Downer. We are all capable of laughing, even in the worst of times. <br /><br /><strong>8. Be fun sexually:</strong> Fun does not mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics, it just means to have fun. At the end of the day, sex can really make you feel good. Get out of the rigidity that can happen, be open to having a great attitude and allow yourself to be juicy.<br /><br />Your relationship is what you make it, so if you have allowed the quality of the relationship to drop, be inspired to make it better again. It is not hard to do. A marriage is like a company: If you quit putting in deposits, it will go bankrupt. <br /><br />Little Life Message: Love yourself so you have love to give, and then share that love with your partner. <br /><br /><br />
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, “Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.” She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-05-13T14:04:00Z
Understanding the Nature of an Enabler
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Understanding-the-Nature-of-an-Enabler/-9495225425976644.html
2013-04-29T07:05:00Z
2013-04-29T07:05:00Z
<strong>By Stanley Binion</strong><br /><a href="http://www.stanleybinion.com" target="_blank">StanleyBinion.com</a><br /><br />
<p>An enabler is a person who by their actions makes it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior by criticizing or rescuing. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times, the act of the enabler satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a need from the other person or persons in the relationship.</p>
<p>To enable the individual with the addiction, the mutually dependent person makes excuses and lies for the addict, which enables the addiction to continue. Codependency is reinforced by a person's need to be needed. The enabler thinks unreasonably by believing he can maintain healthy relationships through manipulation and control. He believes he can do this by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency.</p>
<p>Is it normal for someone to think that he can maintain a healthy relationship when he does not address problems and he lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and the people around them. The ongoing manner of a codependent home is to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior.</p>
<p>Why does enabling cause so much hurt in a relationship? The power afforded to the mutually dependent person in a relationship supports his need for control, even if he uses inappropriate means to fulfill his need to be in control.</p>
<p>A second and overlooked reason centers on the contradictory messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. These characteristics contribute to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior. The person(s) whose unhealthy patterns you enable may be doing one or more of these behaviors:</p>
<ul>
<li>Drinking too much</li>
<li>Spending too much</li>
<li>Overdrawing their bank account/bouncing checks</li>
<li>Gambling too much</li>
<li>Being in trouble with loan sharks/check cashing agencies</li>
<li>Working too much/not enough</li>
<li>Maxing out their credit cards</li>
<li>Abusing drugs (prescription or street drugs)</li>
<li>Getting arrested (you are bailing him/her out)</li>
<li>Any number of other unhealthy behaviors/patterns of addiction.</li>
</ul>
<p>Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling. Even when you say nothing, you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear: fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hurting, hating or not liking you, or fear of butting in where you don't think you belong. Perhaps even out of fear of being hit or worse.</p>
<p>Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. It also takes the form of making excuses for someone else's behavior. For example, there are situations where the spouse of an alcoholic will call in to their spouse's boss to say that they're "sick" when they are really too hung over to make it to work.</p>
<p>You more than likely enable out of your own low self-esteem. You haven't gained the ability to say no without fear of losing the love or caring from that other person. People who learn tough love have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling and that to continue with them would represent allowing the other person's pattern of behavior to continue and to worsen.</p>
<p>It is difficult to stop enabling if you're trying to do it without authority. And it's not easy until you know you deserve to stop - until you know that you are endearing regardless of what the person you've previously enabled says to the contrary and until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. You may think it's the other person who needs all of the help but, in truth, you both do.</p>
<p><strong>Stanley Binion</strong> is the author of the recently released <em><a href="http://friesenpress-accounts.appspot.com/bookstore/title/119734000003968030" target="_blank">Stan's Story</a></em>. Stanley Binion is president/owner of <a href="http://www.shelterandfeedthehomeless.com/" target="_blank">With Sinc Public & Community Housing Services F.R.D.T. Programs & Ranch's Inc</a>., a nonprofit organization committed to helping people understand the psychological damage caused to children who are raised in homes with domestic violence. Our goal is to help adolescents, young adults and parents understand and avoid the pain and costly price of addiction. We are also a "Feed the Children" partner agency. For more information, visit <a href="http://www.stanleybinion.com" target="_blank">www.StanleyBinion.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-04-29T07:05:00Z
Five Ways to Learn to Act and Not RE-Act in Love
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ways-to-Learn-to-Act-and-Not-RE-Act-in-Love/402696743378847305.html
2013-03-11T07:05:00Z
2013-03-11T07:05:00Z
<strong>Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a><br /><br />Why is love so hard? This is a common question. It is emotional reactivity that makes love painful and elusive. When we are emotionally reactive, we are acting out of our defenses, not our hearts or our truth. We become egotistical and self-protective rather than open and vulnerable. Sadly, emotional reactivity is highly contagious. Once one person gets defensive and inflexible, it tends to infuriate the other who ends up doing the same. This only increases the conversational tension between partners. When we lose emotional control, we end up disrespecting our partners in the worst and most offensive ways, which undermines the trust and sense of accountability in our relationships. The truth cannot come to the surface for discussion because being reactive blocks the true understanding of the information that needs to be discussed and resolved. In essence, being reactive serves to prevent lovers from being able to say what they really need and want to say, and thus, solutions are slow to come - if they can come at all. <br /><br /><em><strong>Here are five effective ways to learn to Act and not RE-Act in love: </strong></em>
<blockquote><strong>1) <em>Shift Your Perception of Communication: </em></strong> Change the way you view conflict. The intention behind all conflict is the desire for a solution. Your partner may not be attacking you. They may be trying to help you. Try and see what your partner says as feedback rather than criticism. We can more often see value in feedback and digest it. We tend to be closed-minded to criticism. So, be curious rather than judgmental.<br /><br /><strong>2) <em>Do Not Take Things Personally: </em></strong> It is not all about you. When you are defensive by nature, this essentially means you are not open to new information. Defensiveness is a form of hypersensitivity which can come when you think someone is insulting you when they, in reality, are not. All you have to do is be open to new information. It is not that threatening. It is just information for you to think about. Stick to the facts, not the emotions. Try and be objective, not reactive. <br /><br /><strong>3) <em>Take Your Time to Think Before You Respond:</em></strong> If you are feeling like you need to defend your self-worth, try thanking your partner for sharing their thoughts with you, and tell them you would like some time to think about what they had to say and you will talk to them about it when you feel more clear about your thoughts and feelings. In this way, you are not agreeing with any new information, yet, you are willing to think about it. Then, think about it. This strategy helps you to pause rather than jump. <br /><br /><strong>4)<em> Listen:</em></strong> The hardest thing to do for sensitive or defensive people is to listen. This takes discipline and willingness. Sometimes there is more value in saying nothing, rather than saying things you are going to regret. If you feel yourself getting angry, simply stop talking and listen. Your anger will only create pain for you and your partner. Learn to listen rather than debate.<br /><br /><strong>5) <em>Focus on the Bigger Picture: </em></strong> When we react, we are not seeing ourselves on the same team as our partners. We have to remember that we are on the same team. Try and understand where your partner is coming from and see the good in what they are saying because it is there. The intention is to come together. In order to do this, you need to stay calm and try to see the bigger picture. Most reactive people stay focused on small details that do not matter when it comes to the bigger picture. Learn to be collaborative, not competitive.</blockquote>
Love can only thrive in mutually beneficial relationships where there is an equal give-and-take and a mutual back-and-forth. In order to love and be active in your love relationships, you must realize that you do not have to be so emotional all the time. There are ways to be clear without being obnoxious. You have to know yourself well enough to say no when you need to, be flexible when you need to, and know when to compromise. If you are not clear within yourself, you will not be clear in your love relationships. We all desire love and we desire love that works. So, work on yourself by becoming less reactive. <br /><br /><em><strong>Little life message:</strong></em> There is always something to learn from putting yourself aside to consider the needs of others.<br /><br />
<p><strong>Dr. Sherrie Campbell</strong> is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article, “Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.” She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook</a> community of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">SherrieCampbellPhD.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.</p>
Staff
2013-03-11T07:05:00Z
Does Being Married Keep You Well?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Does-Being-Married-Keep-You-Well/-33066656837363908.html
2013-03-04T18:18:00Z
2013-03-04T18:18:00Z
<strong>Mary Jayne Rogers Ph. D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a><br /><br /><br />Every year, we see more and more couples choosing not to marry. Many choose to cohabitate. Many do not want even that level of commitment. The <em>Atlantic</em> recently reported that these couples are not afraid of marriage per se, but instead are afraid they will be unable to stay married. In other words, what they fear is divorce, which is understandable considering the emotional and financial ramifications of dissolving a marriage.<br /><br />Certainly there are cases to be made <em>for</em> marriage. Aside from the romantic and social expectations associated with marriage, it is generally accepted among a wide spectrum of research that marriage has significant health benefits. People who are married tend to live longer and more healthfully than people who are single, divorced, widowed, or even couples who cohabitate. A person who is married tends to get sick less frequently and is also more likely to recover from severe illnesses than those who are not married. (Note: <em>This of course would not be true in a marriage that is harmful or abusive.</em>)<br /><br />The question that looms in my mind is WHY?<br /><br />Initially, there was some thought to the idea that simply "being married" was the magic pill that would lead us to longer, more healthful lives. Of course, that is an oversimplification. What is it that occurs in a healthy marriage that keeps us well - or at least more well than our single counterparts?<br /><br />From a pragmatic perspective, one might say that married couples have an advantage economically. They may tend to share resources more readily and may have better access to health care.<br /><br />From a sociological perspective, perhaps married couples are more inclined to be involved in like-minded and supportive social groups such as church or charity involvement.<br /><br />From a legal perspective, people who are married have a vested interest in the health of their partner. The consequences of facing a long-term illness or catastrophic event could result in financial devastation. Helping one another eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and wear seat belts and sunscreen may be an act of love or even construed as "nagging." But there is certainly risk to one party when the other maintains reckless behavior. Therefore, it is in our best interest to keep our spouses healthy!<br /><br />While all of these perspectives may have validity and contribute to the wellness benefit of marriage, I am not certain they truly get to the heart of the matter.<br /><br />In his book <em>The Secret Teachings of Plants</em>, Buhner describes how we communicate via our heart center and details how all of our body systems resonate to the electromagnetic energy of the heart. Simple gestures such as understanding touch or taking a loved one's hand can send healing energy throughout the body. <br /><br />While this speaks to understanding the healing nature of love relationships, it does not necessarily speak to the unique situation of marriage. Could it be that it is the commitment itself to another person - to honor, respect, and consider their needs as greatly as we consider our own?<br /><br />What does it really mean to make that commitment to the union of marriage? Ironically, it is about validating who we are as individuals. While all quality relationships can have healing qualities, the deeper the level of commitment in a relationship, the greater the wellness benefit.<br /><br />Psychotherapist Janice Badal writes, <em>"'If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did it make a sound?' Why do you think we find this philosophical question so tantalizing?...This question has great meaning to us all. If we speak and no one hears, if we act and no one sees, if we feel and no one responds - do we exist? We all want to believe that we are important to somebody, that who we are has meaning." </em><br /><br />Marriage represents the deepest level of commitment that we offer in our society. Like the tree that falls in the forest, we need to be heard, seen, validated, and acknowledged. Marriage is a witness to our value on this earth and to our actual existence. It may be the greatest gift one person can give another. In doing so, we respond with wholeness at the cellular level, and even the very essence of our being blossoms.<br /><br /><strong>Dr. Mary Jayne Rogers</strong> is an Exercise Physiologist specializing in whole-person wellness and fitness education and instruction. As an educator, Mary Jayne brings multi-dimensional wellness and fitness experiences along with a welcoming and genuine teaching style to inspire students and wellness enthusiasts of all ages. Dr. Rogers is the owner of Profound Wellness LLC. <a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">DoctorMaryJayne.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2013-03-04T18:18:00Z
Take Yourself on a Date
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-Yourself-on-a-Date/-480138198012833362.html
2013-02-18T08:09:00Z
2013-02-18T08:09:00Z
Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.<br /><a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/" target="_blank">www.sherriecampbellphd.com</a><br /><br />Whether you are single or married, we all need the occasional night to ourselves. Some of you may be thinking, “A night to myself, what is that?” We often have those nights where we are home zoning out watching TV, eating and feeling bored. We don’t need more of those nights. This is not the kind of night I am referring to. Some of you may say, “A night to myself, that isn’t going to be fun? If I go out alone, people will think I am weird or will assume I am unlovable and lonely. Yuck!” But believe me, one of the best ways to nurture ourselves is to plan a nice little date night out - yes, alone. <br /><br />Here are some reasons to consider taking yourself out on a date:<br />
<blockquote>1.<strong> Freedom! </strong>When you take a date night for yourself, the first benefit is you have the freedom to do whatever you want to do! You do not have to make concessions for anyone else. It feels good to simply let a day or night, now and again, be all about you and your tastes. It reminds you of who you are, what you love, and that you can, in fact, feel fantastic all on your own. <br /><br />2. <strong>You can take your time:</strong> The greatest thing about dates with yourself is that you can take your sweet time. There is no agenda. No one is rushing you to be somewhere. You can have a plan or you can just relax and fly by the seat of your pants on your date. It is OK to slow things down and enjoy the smaller pleasures of life.<br /><br />3. <strong>Independence:</strong> Being able to feel self-satisfied on your own is important to your sense of self-worth and independence. Going out in public and having yourself a little date shows a level of self-comfort and satisfaction. It is important for you to remember that you are more than OK all on your own. A certain amount of time alone is exciting, relieving and nurturing to your soul.<br /><br />4. <strong>It makes you more interesting:</strong> People who can never make a decision on a date or who always speak in “we” terms can annoy the other because there is no “self” there. When you spend a certain amount of time alone, it keeps you on your toes in developing your own opinions, preferences and memories. Knowing what you want is sexy because it makes you interesting.<br /><br />5. <strong>Get over your fear of being alone:</strong> The more you practice entertaining, nurturing and dating yourself, the more you learn about what you want in a partner. It is also about being whole all unto yourself. It is attractive to be someone who is OK being alone. When you date yourself, you are not alone anyway. You are not by yourself - you are with yourself. <br /><br />6. <strong>Pamper yourself:</strong> If you are going to have this date with yourself, you may as well indulge in some pampering. You can shop, have your nails done, or get a massage or get a facial. Whatever it is for you that will make you feel loved and well taken care of, gift this to yourself. You deserve it. When you pamper yourself, you are acknowledging your lovability and your value. </blockquote>
<br />Look at it this way: Other people enjoy your company, right? So why shouldn’t you? As the Buddhist saying goes, "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Taking yourself on a date is a way for you to be in the direct action of loving yourself. <br /><br />Little life message: Love yourself and take charge of your happiness.<br /><br /><br />Dr. Sherrie Campbell is an author and a licensed psychologist with more than 19 years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. <a href="http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com/relationship-advice-love-creates-the-common-ground-sherrie-campbell-ph-d/" target="_blank">Click here</a> to get her free article on <em>Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication.</em> She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and be involved in her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SherrieCampbellPhD" target="_blank">Facebook community</a> of others looking to improve their relationships. For more information visit <a href="/Whether you are single or married, we all need the occasional night to ourselves. Some of you may be thinking, “A night to myself, what is that?” We often have those nights where we are home zoning out watching TV, eating and feeling bored. We don’t need more of those nights. This is not the kind of night I am referring to. Some of you may say, “A night to myself, that isn’t going to be fun? If I go out alone, people will think I am weird or will assume I am unlovable and lonely. Yuck!” But believe me, one of the best ways to nurture ourselves is to plan a nice little date night out - yes, alone. Here are some reasons to consider taking yourself out on a date: 1. Freedom! When you take a date night for yourself, the first benefit is you have the freedom to do whatever you want to do! You do not have to make concessions for anyone else. It feels good to simply let a day or night, now and again, be all about you and your tastes. It reminds you of who you are, what you love, and that you can, in fact, feel fantastic all on your own. 2. You can take your time: The greatest thing about dates with yourself is that you can take your sweet time. There is no agenda. No one is rushing you to be somewhere. You can have a plan or you can just relax and fly by the seat of your pants on your date. It is OK to slow things down and enjoy the smaller pleasures of life. 3. Independence: Being able to feel self-satisfied on your own is important to your sense of self-worth and independence. Going out in public and having yourself a little date shows a level of self-comfort and satisfaction. It is important for you to remember that you are more than OK all on your own. A certain amount of time alone is exciting, relieving and nurturing to your soul. 4. It makes you more interesting: People who can never make a decision on a date or who always speak in “we” terms can annoy the other because there is no “self” there. When you spend a certain amount of time alone, it keeps you on your toes in developing your own opinions, preferences and memories. Knowing what you want is sexy because it makes you interesting. 5. Get over your fear of being alone: The more you practice entertaining, nurturing and dating yourself, the more you learn about what you want in a partner. It is also about being whole all unto yourself. It is attractive to be someone who is OK being alone. When you date yourself, you are not alone anyway. You are not by yourself - you are with yourself. 6. Pamper yourself: If you are going to have this date with yourself, you may as well indulge in some pampering. You can shop, have your nails done, or get a massage or get a facial. Whatever it is for you that will make you feel loved and well taken care of, gift this to yourself. You deserve it. When you pamper yourself, you are acknowledging your lovability and your value. Look at it this way: Other people enjoy your company, right? So why shouldn’t you? As the Buddhist saying goes,">http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2013-02-18T08:09:00Z
Words Matter: 10 Steps to Healing from Word Wounds
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Words-Matter:-10-Steps-to-Healing-from-Word-Wounds/-291754534630934692.html
2013-01-14T15:04:00Z
2013-01-14T15:04:00Z
<strong>By Mary Jayne Rogers Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.doctormaryjayne.com" target="_blank">www.doctormaryjayne.com</a><br /><br />We have all heard and probably recited the nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." If only it were true. The fact is that words <em>do</em> hurt. Unlike a bruise or broken bone, we can't see the wound on the outside. Most of us can recall instances from our own lives when words cut deeply, causing wounds that may still hurt. Since these wounds are not visible to others, we go through life exhibiting behaviors that come from how we deal with these old hurts. If we try to bury the wound rather than learn from it, we not only prevent healing but we are likely to inflict pain on others. <br /><br /><strong>10 Steps to Healing Word Wounds</strong><br /><br />How do we begin to mend the wound we have received from the words of others? <br /><ol>
<li>Become mindful of the words we use and recognize how our own use of language associates words with feelings, responses and outcomes. Here are a few examples: "I am heartbroken"; "I have a gut feeling"; "This job is killing me"; "That person makes me sick"; "What a pain in the neck." These words and the feelings associated with them can actually lead to ill health. A classic example is the woman suffering from rectal cancer who had always referred to her husband as a "pain in the ass." Are you using your own words against yourself?</li>
<li>Try to identify situations in your own life where words have elicited pain. Some examples might be: "You will never amount to anything"; "Why can't you be more (fill in the blank) like your brother/sister?"; "You will never be the man your father was"; "You are so (lazy, stupid, fat, irresponsible, etc)." What kind of feeling or behavior did that evoke for you? </li>
<li>Notice if you have in the past or are currently using language that may be inflicting pain on someone else. Often we may not even recognize the things that have hurt us in the past, or that we may be repeating words from our own past.</li>
<li>Begin to heal your wounds by recognizing the fact that the person speaking them was probably speaking from their own pain and directing it outwardly at you and probably others as well. </li>
<li>Practice physically releasing the pain inside of you by practicing mindful breathing: On your inhale, identify the phrase or the feeling that may have hurt you, then imagine releasing the words and the pain with each deep exhale. The inhale serves to gather up the old vestiges of the pain while the exhale allows you to visualize it physically leaving your body.</li>
<li>Develop affirmations that refute the words that were aimed at you such as: "I am productive and confident"; "I am successful"; "I am loved"; "I am worthy." Write your affirmations down and keep them close to you - in your pocket, at your desk or on your nightstand. Often just touching the piece of paper in your pocket will serve as a reminder, but seeing and reading them aloud provides additional benefit when you feel that old feeling or behavior creeping back. </li>
<li>Be mindful of the words you choose, both toward yourself and others. </li>
<li>Make an effort to speak from a positive viewpoint, without judgment.</li>
<li>Do your best to speak from a place of love, kindness and compassion.</li>
<li>Be gentle with yourself. You may be dealing with a very deep wound. Healing can happen. You have my word.</li>
</ol><strong><br />Dr. Mary Jayne Rogers</strong> is an exercise physiologist specializing in whole-person wellness and fitness education and instruction. As an educator, Mary Jayne brings multi-dimensional wellness and fitness experiences along with a welcoming and genuine teaching style to inspire students and wellness enthusiasts of all ages. Dr. Rogers is the owner of Profound Wellness LLC. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2013-01-14T15:04:00Z
How to Survive a (Family-Style) Holiday Vacation
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Survive-a-Family-Style-Holiday-Vacation/204022029674464789.html
2012-12-17T15:04:00Z
2012-12-17T15:04:00Z
<strong>By Alyson Schafer</strong><br /><a href="http://www.alysonschafer.com" target="_blank">www.alysonschafer.com</a><br /><br />Grandma and Grandpa just called to say they would like <em>everyone</em> to spend the holidays with them at their Florida condo. Just imagine: all the cousins going to the beach and playing in the pool together, all the adults sipping gin and tonics and having long overdue visits. It sounds like heaven, right? Um, well, maybe. <br /><br />For some, family holidays mean one thing: run the other way! <br /><br />If you think parenting issues create tension between you and your spouse, just wait until your sister starts issuing timeouts during the turkey dinner. What was supposed to be an idyllic family gathering (champagne flutes clinking and children's laughter floating over the low murmur of waves crashing) can easily devolve into a toxic reawakening of unresolved family tensions. We just can't help it; each of us slides back into his/her familiar childhood role (e.g. big sister becomes the boss - not just of her kids, but of you and your kids, too). Our parenting style feels showcased, judged and compared. And, as those childhood inadequacies consume us, we begin to doubt our abilities. <br /><br />Here are some ideas that will help make holiday family time happy, not horrific: <br /><br /><strong>1. An ounce of prevention: </strong><br />On the first day of the trip, invite your siblings to a meeting to discuss some of the "business" items that might crop up. Ask: What would help make the group work together more smoothly? Do we have any group rules? All the children should partake, too. This is critical because the meeting helps to make interpersonal issues group issues. And, children are also more likely to live with rules they had a say in creating. That holds true for adults too. So, instead of trying to muster the courage to tell your brother he needs to get his kids to bed earlier, simply put "bedtime routines" on the meeting agenda.<br /><br />Other agenda items might include: <br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Noise: </strong> When are quiet hours in the villa? Decide on bedtimes, nap times and acceptable morning wake-up times. </li>
<li><strong>Routines:</strong> What do we need to get done at the condo before heading out to the beach or pool each morning?</li>
<li><strong>Clean-up:</strong> Who is responsible for what? Assign jobs for such things as dishes, sand sweeping, table setting, meal preparation (and don't forget to involve the kids).</li>
<li><strong>Group entertainment:</strong> What's on everyone's wish list? Name the activities and post a calendar so everyone's needs get met.</li>
<li><strong>Conflicts:</strong> How will disputes be resolved? What are the consequence for not listening to the rules. </li>
</ul>
<strong>2. Calm Your "Hot Thoughts":</strong><br />When you start to feel emotional about how things are going, tune into your self-talk - the little voice in your head that's providing a running commentary. "My kids always act so badly in public," or, "I am a terrible mother," or, "My sister is still treated like the golden child." And let's not forget this one: "They never listen!" That little gremlin in your head only sees the worst and it makes everything out to be a catastrophe. Pay attention and catch yourself "awful-izing". Instead of being a victim to negative self-talk, take charge. Choose different thoughts! Replace self-blaming thoughts with "cool thoughts" like, "I am a humble human who makes mistakes just like everyone else," and, "I need to address my children's 'hearing problem' eventually, but for now I'm going to roll with it." And here's the biggie: "I am not at my best right now, but I am good enough." <br /><br />You can work on "thought swapping" in advance; if you know your hot thoughts, write them down and then, in a time of calm, rewrite your inner script. <br /><br />I try to remind myself that while I can't change the situation, I can always change my attitude about the situation. When things are not going well, I tell myself, "Hey, these are nice problems to have. I have a family that wants to be together and we are all alive and well." <br /><br /><strong>3. Eat. Sleep. Breathe: </strong><br />As with all situational stresses, we do better when we are feeling good. Be sure to get a full night's sleep, eat well (as well as you can, given that it's a vacation) and <em>breathe</em>. Vast quantities of research are proving just how powerful and important deep breathing is for stress and overall health. It just reinforces that old adage about breathing and counting to 10.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Alyson Schafer</strong> is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting experts. Alyson is the best-selling author of three parenting books: <em>Breaking the Good Mom Myth, Honey, I Wrecked the Kids,</em> and her latest, <em>Ain't Misbehavin</em>. Alyson is the media's go-to person and speaks regularly on parenting issues involving kids of all ages. For tips on discipline, bullying, sibling rivalry and other daily parenting issues, visit <a href="http://www.alysonschafer.com" target="_blank">www.alysonschafer.com.</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.<br />
Staff
2012-12-17T15:04:00Z
How to Have the Relationship of Your Own Dreams...and Not Others' Dreams for You!
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Have-the-Relationship-of-Your-Own-Dreams...and-Not-Others-Dreams-for-You!/903888796979748676.html
2012-09-24T14:04:00Z
2012-09-24T14:04:00Z
<strong>By Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D. and Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br /><br />Beth lay in the chaise lounge on her veranda hoping for a moment to herself. That thought alone caused the tears to stream down her face, again. "Three years married and what has happened?" she thought. She let her mind drift back to her dreams of being married to Carl: having their own home, decorating it the way they had enthusiastically discussed, camping and kayaking together on weekends, taking a couple's cooking course, sleeping late on Saturdays, and lazily making love on their private veranda...<br /><br />The phone rang. Beth wiped the tears from her eyes, took a deep sigh and reached for the phone. It was her mother, whose voice she had come to hate. "Beth dear, when you go to the market today, would you pick up my laundry? What time will Carl be here to mow the lawn? We've invited Aunt Carrie and her kids to your cookout tomorrow night so please pick up more steaks at the market. Oh, and guess what I got you dear! You're going to love it. A new antique clock for your bedroom. It will match your new fixer-upper house that dad found for you. Your dad loves you. Hey, what do you think about taking cousin Fred with you when you go kayaking next week? You know, he's feeling a bit sad since he dropped out of school. I think it would do him a world of good..." <br /><br />Beth knows she is letting her parents (and others) run her married life. She feels powerless to do anything about it. Carl resents it, but he is no better. He too spends time trying to please his parents. And it doesn't stop there. Carl feels pressured to take their only vacation with coworkers who are insisting they join them on their sailboat. Neither he nor Beth loves the water, but how can he say no? Camping and kayaking are a fading dream.<br /><br />What is happening to each of them - and to their marriage? They are living the dreams and values of others. What is the result of giving up their dreams? Carl has become more resentful and bitter, and Beth's tears are more frequent than ever. <br /><br />How can Beth and Carl rescue themselves and rescue their marriage? How can you do likewise? Here are some key tips: <br /><br /><strong>Gaining independence:</strong> Being an adult means gaining independence from your parents and setting the terms for your own life. Choosing to live your life according to your parents', in-laws', or relatives' values over your spouse's devalues your spouse. It also damages your independence and self-esteem.<br /><br /><strong>Prioritizing your romantic relationship:</strong> In order for your relationship with your spouse to become the highest value in your social life, that relationship has to get top priority. That doesn't mean that you don't enjoy your relationship with family, friends and coworkers. It does mean that you choose what time you devote to them according to your personal values and not the values of your parents or anyone else. <br /><br /><strong>Protecting your privacy & setting respectful boundaries:</strong> You are not your parents' young kid or their indentured servant or a vehicle by which they get a "second chance" to live their own dreams. They have the right to design and control their own relationship - not yours. If they've set the unrealistic expectation that they own you, you can develop your skills in communication to clearly, tactfully and assertively set loving and firm boundaries with them. If you go through life trying not to hurt their feelings, you are guaranteed instead to hurt yourself and your spouse, and as a consequence, feel resentful toward your mother and others, as Beth and Carl do. Such healthy boundaries are essential, especially in cases where the "others" are critical or abusive. Your life, your time, and your choices belong to you.<br /> <br /><strong>Fast forward two years:</strong> Beth and Carl have put these principles into practice. Beth now finds herself relaxing on her veranda. Carl no longer bends to his parents and his coworkers. Although they both spend time with both sets of parents and help them out occasionally, their efforts are more reasonable and not at the expense of their dreams. <br /><br />Beth and Carl laugh when they think of forcing themselves to go on a distasteful sailing vacation with friends. It's as easy as a gentle, "No thank you." They now happily take their private camping and kayaking vacations. They have also redecorated their home according to their modern aesthetic. No more antiques! At times this transition has been difficult, leading to tension with their parents, relatives and friends, but they have learned to stay firm. They are closer to building the relationship of their own dreams.<br /><br /><br />Copyright 2011.<br /><strong>Edwin Locke, Ph.D.</strong>, a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.</strong>, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2012-09-24T14:04:00Z
Eight Ways to Jump-Start Date Night
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Eight-Ways-to-Jump-Start-Date-Night/821034826975622755.html
2012-09-17T14:04:00Z
2012-09-17T14:04:00Z
<strong>By Mia Redrick</strong><br /><a href="http://www.findingdefinitions.com" target="_blank">www.findingdefinitions.com</a><br /><br />My husband and I try to go on a date once a month to keep our connection strong and to enjoy one another's company -- without the children. Sometimes we fail because we get tired, or the sitter falls through, or, unfortunately, we forget to make the date a priority. Gone are the childless, carefree days when we didn't have a time limit, we didn't have to find a sitter, and it was so much easier to be spontaneous. But we are committed to keeping our marriage fun, so we try to do fun things together. After 16 years of marriage, lots of dates and three children, I've learned a few things over the years about how to get time in with my "boyfriend."<br /><br />Although I feel that we have the opportunity to talk a lot at home, going out is always so much more enjoyable. It feels more official. I love getting dressed up to do something special or to simply share dessert and go to the local bookstore. Last year, we took a week-long cruise and my husband practically cried when the ship was returning home. We had a blast together -- dancing, laughing and being with each other. I talk with friends all the time that struggle with finding the time to be alone with their spouse, so I thought I would share some of the ways that my husband and I have been able to consistently date each other.<br /><br />Most parents are exhausted. Dating can make you a happier, more fulfilled and longer-lasting couple. Here are some ways to get going:<br /><br /><strong>1. Decide on the day of the week that is the official "date night."</strong> This can be a weekly, biweekly or monthly standing date, but it should stay consistent. This technique works because it prevents either spouse from forgetting the special night with their favorite date.<br /><br /><strong>2. Hire a babysitter for your dates and book them in advance.</strong> This will prevent you from cancelling because the sitter is already scheduled to come over. If you haven't planned a date, then you will naturally have an impromptu date because you already have the babysitter taken care of.<br /><br /><strong>3. Create in-home dates if you are a new parent.</strong> It can be difficult for new parents to feel comfortable in the early days when mom is still nursing or the parents just aren't ready to go out on the town and leave the baby home. For those moments, have either your parents, a friend or a sitter come to your home while you have a nice date with your spouse on the deck or in the family room curled up with a movie, dinner and dessert. You could even pre-order a gourmet dinner and play your favorite music for dancing afterward.<br /><br /><strong>4. Put your children to bed earlier.</strong> This can be tough for parents, but putting your children to bed an extra 30 minutes to one hour ahead of schedule can give you and your partner time to connect and hear one another before you both feel exhausted.<br /><br /><strong>5. Date early in the day.</strong> Meet your spouse for breakfast or lunch when the children are in school.<br /><br /><strong>6. Book a room at a local hotel and enjoy a quick stay-cation with your spouse.</strong> These are so easy to do and they feel like long vacations, especially when all you have to do is drive 20 minutes instead of hours to get away for the weekend. This will allow you to be close to your children in case of an emergency or to help you get used to the idea of traveling longer distances.<br /><br /><strong>7. Purchase tickets for a series in advance.</strong> It could be to plays, sporting events (that you both enjoy) or spa services. Make sure that this event has a date associated with it so you will commit to attending. We booked tickets at the Broadway in Baltimore and the Symphony series for two years to commit us to a day and time.<br /><br /><strong>8. Work out together.</strong> While working out doesn't sound like a date, it can be, especially if you both are walking or running together and allowing lots of time for talking and connecting.<br /><br />Stay close, stay focused, stay happy and stay together. <br /><br /><strong>Mia Redrick</strong>, Mom Strategist is a mom of three, author and speaker empowering one million mothers to practice better self-care. Redrick is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Time-mom-Me-Essential-Strategies-Self-Care/dp/0979627303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1288711627&sr=1-1"><em>Time for Mom-Me: 5 Essential Strategies for A Mother's Self-Care.</em></a> For tips from The Mom Strategist visit <a href="http://www.findingdefinitions.com">www.findingdefinitions.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2012-09-17T14:04:00Z
Is Your Dating Style All About You?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Your-Dating-Style-All-About-You/-123084896790222927.html
2012-09-10T14:04:00Z
2012-09-10T14:04:00Z
<strong>By Nancy Pina</strong><br /><a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a><br /><br />Dating brings a rush of emotions to the surface and no matter what has happened in the past, there is usually a sense of anticipation before the date. "Could this person be the one?" is the question from the heart. Your experiences in dating, love, and commitment are directly related to your past thoughts. What you <em>expect</em> to happen <em>does</em> happen in love. Your purposeful thoughts influence your relationships and the type of person you attract. <br /><br />As a <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/">relationship coach</a>, I teach others that identifying the problem is one thing; what to do next is the challenge. How does one stop a past relationship pattern and attract the right person?<br /><br />Many people who have had a history of bad dates or relationships that did not work out often think the past is not responsible for the conditions of the present. If this is your belief, you may tell yourself that it is a lack of available quality individuals to date that keeps your dreams of lasting love out of reach. What you experience in love is definitely all about you because you have preprogramed and predetermined what will happen. <br /><br />The good news? <br /><br />If you are unhappy with the conditions of your love life today, you can make adjustments. This is not a permanent condition if you are willing to retrain your thought process.<br /><br />Ask yourself, "Am I alert to what I'm thinking about in love?" <br /><br />Your mind is powerful, and every thought you embrace will lead to that particular type of dating and relationship experience. Things you say about your dating life are important...nothing is frivolous. They will lead to corresponding consequences. Change your thoughts and mindsets, and you can change your love life forever.<br /><br />The flow of your thoughts works like this: <br /><br />
<ul>
<li>Thoughts lead to actions</li>
<li>Actions lead to the formation of habits</li>
<li>Habits shape character </li>
<li>Character determines your destiny.</li>
</ul>
<br />Your thoughts control your life. They are not stagnant, and they move you in the direction you meditate on.<br /><br />Do you want to be happy, secure and confident in love? <br /><br />Start thinking positive thoughts on purpose, and reject negative statements that do not lead you to your desired goals. If you are stuck in love, here are my suggestions to start examining your thoughts and expectations about love: <br /><br /><strong>1. Determine Your Life Foundation.</strong> Every person has a foundation for the life they have built. That basis determines truth and becomes the filter. Worthy mindsets are those that are based on a positive, solid foundation.<br /><br /><strong>2. What is the Source of this Thought?</strong> Many times habits are formed early in life as a way to emotionally protect oneself from drama. Instead of developing new habits, many people try to make the old ones fit. It is important to process the feelings and hurts of the past so you are not bringing former preconceived ideas to the present. Left unattended, those mindsets will taint your perception of love.<br /><br /><strong>3. Will this Thought Take Me Where I Want to Go in Love?</strong> If you think you will attract people who are losers, people who treat you with disrespect, or people who are unreliable and untrustworthy, without a doubt those thoughts will take you in that very direction. You cannot expect an emotionally healthy relationship to happen if you do not feel worthy of receiving that type of love.<br /><br />You can experience the <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/">right relationship</a> that leads to commitment if you are willing to prepare for it. Love with the right person is very fulfilling, but the process of getting there starts with you. Your dating life <em>should</em> be all about you. <br /><br />When you know where you have been in love, how you got there, and where you want to go now, you can achieve the dreams and desires of your heart. Good love is an attainable goal that takes planning, starting with embracing thoughts that line up with where you want to go. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Nancy Pina</strong> is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical Christian-based advice. Visit <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a> for articles and exercises. Her recent books and free app can be found at <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html">http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2012-09-10T14:04:00Z
'Surprise Honey, I Want a Divorce!': Four Tips to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Surprise-Honey,-I-Want-a-Divorce!:-Four-Tips-to-Divorce-Proof-Your-Marriage/-137751120763580502.html
2012-08-20T14:04:00Z
2012-08-20T14:04:00Z
<strong></strong><strong>By Ellen Kenner, Ph.D. and Edwin A. Locke Ph.D. </strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br /><br />There are surprises you can spring on your spouse, but "Honey, I want a divorce" is not the kind of surprise anyone wants. Marie and Hunter had been married for 12 years. They had two boys, ages 7 and 10, who seemed relatively comfortable with their lives. They had good friends, and families who were close. Their marriage didn't seem too different from those of their friends. Marie tended to the children and had a part time job. <br /><br />Although they struggled financially at the outset, they were finally comfortable; Hunter's skills in computer science had paid off nicely. All seemed quiet when suddenly Marie dropped the bomb: she wanted a divorce. Hunter was dumbfounded. It seemed to come out of the blue. Hunter had never been abusive, nor had he had an affair. And he was not a substance abuser. Sure they had arguments, but never screaming fights. Hunter asked Marie why, but she refused to talk about it. What's going on here?<br /><br />Of course, Marie might have secretly fallen in love with someone else, but even that does not usually happen out of the blue. It is very likely that Marie was unhappy about many things. Was Hunter not helping enough with house and yard work? Was he leaving dirty clothes all over the house? Did he have unappealing personal habits? Did he not share enough with childcare? Was he not satisfying Marie sexually? Did she resent not being able to pursue a full-time career? Was Hunter spending too many hours at work or going out with the guys? Did he ignore her when she was sick or upset? Was he failing to build an emotional connection? Did Hunter make Marie feel invisible day after day? <br /><br />Marie's error, most likely, was not speaking up more assertively for what upset her or about what she wanted. She let resentments build and build until she reached the breaking point and suddenly decided, "I'm outta here." <br /><br />Hunter undoubtedly made errors of his own, such as not genuinely listening when Marie did complain, and taking little or no action to address her concerns.<br /><br />Marie and Hunter, one can assume, had one overarching problem in common: the failure to communicate and resolve conflicts effectively. It's very likely that they didn't listen to one another attentively and that they didn't tune in to each other's strong emotions or negative body language and work to understand the cause. They faked that all was "OK," even when it was not. They expected each other to read the other's mind and just know (!) what was important to them. They didn't resolve even small irritating differences in habits with one another. They never worked out a mutually agreed upon division of household chores and childcare in their relationship - they just fell into a pattern that Marie resented. They didn't take the time to learn about one another sexually and come up with a sexual style that satisfied both of them. And they didn't nip escalating tensions in the bud.<br /><br />Marie and Hunter probably didn't know how to treasure one another. How can you do this?<br /><br /><strong>1. In small everyday ways, send the message "you're important to me" </strong>(send a loving email, cook a special meal, offer help with a project, or give a small but meaningful gift). <br /><strong>2. Recognize one another's strengths, and encourage each other to pursue their values. </strong><br /><strong>3. Put aside time just for yourselves</strong> - nurture your relationship with either a shared hobby (e.g., walking, gardening, dancing), lovemaking, relaxing, or enjoying some leisure activity. <br /><strong>4. Use humor and playfulness to make life more fun. </strong><br /><br />They didn't fully know how to cherish one another. These four treasure-tips are ways to help divorce-proof your relationship, and express and deepen your love for one another.<br /><br />Not all conflicts can be resolved successfully - sometimes one partner ends up going in a different direction in life, and the other partner does not want to go there. But many conflicts can be resolved if the right methods are used.<br /><br />Valuing one another - maintaining that initial sparkle that brought you together - is not innate. It is something that needs to be tended to throughout your relationship, like making a flower garden thrive. Marie and Hunter could have avoided this "surprise ending" to their relationship had they done the work that marital happiness requires.<br /><br />To avoid unwanted surprises, never let your relationship go on automatic. Together, learn the communication, conflict resolution, and valuing skills that will help you enjoy years of playfulness, success and emotional intimacy together.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Edwin Locke, Ph.D</strong>., a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.</strong>, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com.</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2012-08-20T14:04:00Z
How to Love an Emotionally Healthy Man
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Love-an-Emotionally-Healthy-Man/-303582819943983942.html
2012-08-13T14:04:00Z
2012-08-13T14:04:00Z
<strong></strong><strong>By Nancy Pina</strong><br /><a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com" target="_blank">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a><br /><br />Most people I work with as a relationship coach believe they have a particular "type" in love. They base relationship choices on a specific personality or physical look. They're looking for chemistry and fear that anything outside this established model will be boring, incompatible and physically unappealing. One primary key to attracting love that will last is the willingness to look at what is not working in your relationships and opening your heart to change.<br /><br />If the men you have chosen to love have not resulted in fulfilling, lasting and loving relationships, ask yourself:<br /><br />• Am I drawn to "bad boys" in love instead of reliable and stable men? <br />• Does the mystery of not knowing if he cares drive me to pursue this type of guy with even more determination? <br />• Do I want to be with him more the less he communicates with me? <br />• When a guy wants more from me emotionally, do I lose interest?<br /><br />If you are seeing yourself in those types of relationships, the barrier you're struggling with is the fear of revealing your authentic self. It is only through vulnerability in your interactions with others that you will be able to attract the right one for love. For many individuals, being an open book signals emotional caution because it is associated with heartbreak. If you've vowed not to allow anyone to have that power over your heart again, you've probably built a wall which keeps the very thing you desire away.<br /><br />Do you have a difficult time being vulnerable with others? Go through the following quiz and see how many statements are true in your significant relationships:<br /><br /><strong>How Vulnerable Are You?</strong><br /><br />• I am generally on the offensive, and attack, blame or correct others. <br />• I always need to be the strong one, the person who has it all together.<br />• I'd rather please others than reveal my true emotions.<br />• I don't want to rock the boat in relationships. <br />• I shut down and keep my true feelings to myself when tension arises.<br />• I believe I can't let my guard down. <br />• I'll never let anyone hurt me again. <br />• Revealing my emotions is very risky.<br />• Talking about the past serves no purpose.<br />• I have no problems, and if I did, I'd never tell. <br />• No one respects a weak person. <br /><br />If you find that your answers affirm a fear of vulnerability, the next step to relationship readiness is healing from the initial heartbreak. Hiding behind a facade only leads to attracting those who cannot fulfill your emotional needs.<br /><br /><strong>Stuck in the Past</strong><br /><br />Many people talk about finding the right one, but are very resistant to taking the steps necessary to meeting that person. You may say, "I would do anything to meet the right guy, just tell me what to do!" The painless actions are the tangible ones: making yourself available, changing your routine, and telling your friends to set you up. <br /><br /><strong>That's the Easy Part</strong><br /><br />The real work is before dating. It is vital to examine your past relationship pattern as well as your thoughts and words about love, men, and how you expect to be treated in a relationship. Therein lies the challenge: the greatest blessings and personal revelations are always hidden within the depths of your greatest fears.<br /><br /><strong>Change is Possible</strong> <br /><br />You've heard that what one focuses on, the mind will magnify. With time and nurturing, those thoughts will become reality. You may be astonished how often you seek the wrong thing in your love life and for yourself. <br /><br />Each time you find yourself speaking, saying or thinking things that do not line up with the dreams and desires of your heart, mentally stop yourself and simply say the exact opposite. It sounds very elementary, but it is a powerful exercise you can incorporate to reverse what you expect out of relationships. <br /><br />When you take this step towards renewing your mind, you will not only be able to see emotionally healthy men, but you will be attracted to them as well. A new relationship pattern will fall into place, allowing you to be treated with love and respect.<br /><br /><strong>Nancy Pina</strong> is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals form emotionally healthy relationships through her practical Christian-based advice. Visit <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html" target="_blank">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a> for articles and exercises. Her recent book and app can be found at <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html" target="_blank">http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2012-08-13T14:04:00Z
The Secret to Ending Your Sexless Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Secret-to-Ending-Your-Sexless-Marriage/693345450087005527.html
2012-08-06T14:04:00Z
2012-08-06T14:04:00Z
<strong></strong><strong></strong><strong>By Dr. Dar</strong><br /><a href="http://www.DrDar.com" target="_blank">www.DrDar.com</a><br /><br />A sexless marriage is one where the couple has sex ten or fewer times a year. Sounds like every couple could viably and easily shift from a sexless marriage to a sex-full marriage based on that definition, don't you think? <br /><br /><strong>Communication is Connection</strong><br /><br />During the dating phase of a relationship, couples ask each other lots of questions as a means to connect intimately and know each other at a deeper level. Post marriage, couples stop connecting in this way. It is very easy to get busy with our day to day lives balancing our jobs, managing a household, being parents, finding time for ourselves, incorporating time for family and friends, managing the children's schedules, etc. Couples pack a lot into their days and when the evening draws near, they have little or no energy for each other. They have no time for connecting at a deeper level, and instead, communicate at a surface level throughout the day, thinking that is enough.<br /><br />Communicating openly and honestly about everything up to and including sex is critical for longevity in a marriage. Making time to communicate and connect is critical: 30 minutes daily of focused and attentive time is the minimum amount of time a couple should dedicate to each other. It is clear that couples already have the skills to communicate and connect because they exhibited those skills during the courting/dating phase of their relationship, and therefore, can restore these skills fairly quickly.<br /><br /><strong>Addressing Libido Issues</strong><br /> <br />"He wants sex and I just don't" is a common complaint heard from wives. <br />The blame is usually placed on differences in libido; however, in many cases it is not libido that is the issue. Lack of energy, the inability to talk about sexual needs, the inability to discuss and arrive at a mutually acceptable and agreeable solution, not placing importance on sexual connection, and not making the time or commitment to connect sexually are the more likely culprits. Of course there are situations where libidos are a serious concern. There is plenty of help to address the lack of libido condition, and couples must be willing to seek outside help and take action, together, to find solutions through medical, therapeutic, and hormone specialists.<br /><br /><strong>Making Time</strong><br /><br />Couples who commit to writing down all that they do in 24 hours for a month quickly see how they are contributing to the erosion of the health of their own marriage. They see that little to no time is dedicated to the marriage, each other and sex. It is critical that couples schedule intimacy and sexual connection time into their busy weeks on their calendars. It is easy to forgo important things in our lives if we don't commit, create a schedule and stick to it. Agree to start with once a month as an attainable and completely doable goal. Critics say that scheduling time for sex lacks romance, but I say that not scheduling it contributes to a lack of connection and fulfillment, or worse, the end of a marriage.<br /><br />If lack of sex is the sole issue in your marriage, then ending your marriage is not the ultimate solution. Couples tend to hyperfocus on the 20 percent deficiency in their relationship instead of the 80 percent goodness in each other and the marriage. The 20 percent can be solved when the couple is willing to come together, hear each other's perspectives, be willing to find common ground solutions, and take action in receiving impartial (private) professional help instead of waiting years to address the issues. <br /><br /><br /><strong>Dr. Dar</strong>, Ph.D., Master Relationship Coach, helps bring couples back together and assists in making the difficult choice to separate or not. She works with singles and families. She offers seminars, workshops, and is the author of <em>Stop Being Single Now</em>. You can sign up for her free "Relationship Secret of the Week! What no one taught you about creating love that lasts!" at <a href="http://www.DrDar.com" target="_blank">www.DrDar.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2012-08-06T14:04:00Z
Boys Are Now the Ones Slighted
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Boys-Are-Now-the-Ones-Slighted/-194888006705960319.html
2012-07-09T21:02:00Z
2012-07-09T21:02:00Z
<strong></strong><strong>Julie Samrick</strong><br /><strong><a href="http://kidfocused.com/" target="_blank">Kid Focused</a><br /><br /></strong>Certain themes in education were trendy as I earned my teaching credential in the mid-1990s. Gender equity in the classroom was heating up as studies showed boys hogged all the attention in classrooms, while girls fell silently behind. Boys either had the confidence to speak up in class, or they subconsciously demanded attention by acting rowdier than girls. Either way, it was finally determined that teachers had been giving more instructional time to male students for generations. So teachers everywhere, including me, tried to bridge that gap. We became conscious of how to make our girls more successful in the classroom, and they have been making great strides ever since. <br /><br />Now fast forward nearly two decades. More girls graduate from high school and college than men do. For the first time ever, more women than men make up law and medical school admissions. While striving to make classrooms more equitable for girls, our boys now lag behind academically. <br /><br />I have noticed this shift spilling over into popular culture too. The leading male characters in television programs, particularly sitcoms, are not remotely like Andy Griffith anymore. Griffith, whose passing this week reminds us of what he meant to so many of us, was the symbol of a level-headed, respectable dad. Leading male characters today, especially dads, are more often than not cast as buffoons. Meanwhile, leading female characters are shown as witty and strong, characters every girl would like to be. These women roll their eyes at the inferior, boorish actions of the males around them. Moms like June Cleaver or Carol Brady may have been somewhat flat characters compared to how women are portrayed today, but they certainly didn't play the part of fools.<br /> <br />Even in today's commercials men often act like adolescents, drooling over a woman or some kind of food. They're also cast to act like toddlers, catastrophically messing something up or wrestling over something frivolous. Where have the respectable males on TV gone, and what message does this send to our boys?<br /><br />I recently wrote a negative <a href="/b/Brave-Proves-Its-Anti-Princess-By-Being-Anti-Boy/394559796709012344.html" target="_blank">review of the movie <em>Brave</em></a> because I thought it was over the top anti-male. Disney princesses have become stronger over time, so I expected <em>Brave</em> to have an empowering message for girls, but I didn't like how every single male character in it had to be a fool to get that message across. Because it's about the heroine not wanting to get married, I went so far as to say the film is anti-marriage because with the men portrayed, I would run for the hills too.<br /><br />I grew up with three sisters, no brothers, and my parents raised us to believe we were just as smart as any boy, so I get the girl power rallying stuff. Yet I didn't even think <em>Brave </em>was a girl power film for my two daughters because it made being a girl seem so lonely and isolating. I received some criticism for my review from women, saying it's high time princesses stopped brushing their hair all day, waiting for a prince to rescue them. I agree, but do we need to bash boys to do that? <br /><br />It made news this year that for the first time more babies are born to unwed mothers in America than to married moms - 53% to be exact. What's caused this shift, which is only expected to increase? According to a recent report in <em>The New York Times</em>, one of the strongest reasons women aren't getting married today is because they don't think men are as reliable as they used to be. The messages these women get day in and day out make this a sad, but understandable, reality in their minds. <br /><br />Girls have been encouraged and empowered, and that's great, but what's been a well-meaning crusade to lift up girls has now skewed so far in the opposite direction, I fear we are now letting down our boys.<br /><br /><strong>Julie Samrick</strong> is a stay-at-home mom of 4 young kids and the founder of <a href="http://kidfocused.com/" target="_blank">Kid Focused</a>, a site devoted to children and family issues. Subscribe to the free <a href="http://kidfocused.us2.list-manage2.com/subscribe?u=bdb270f7e82b12d1fd161b6cb&id=f87064d037" target="_blank">Kid Focused newsletter</a> delivered weekly to your inbox and connect with us on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/KidFocusedcom/209494072409111" target="_blank">Facebook </a>too. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. <br />
Staff
2012-07-09T21:02:00Z
Five Qualities Men Find Irresistible in a Woman
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Qualities-Men-Find-Irresistible-in-a-Woman/887055203441899566.html
2012-06-18T14:05:00Z
2012-06-18T14:05:00Z
<strong>By Bob Grant</strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com </a><br /><br />If you asked 100 men what they look for in a woman, you may get 100 different answers. Some men like blondes. Some like brunettes. Some like tall, willowy women. Others like short ladies. Yet if you ask a man who's currently in a relationship what is important in a mate, an important trend emerges. <br /><br />Being in a relationship with a woman who's beautiful doesn't mean much to a man if she's rude, selfish, or demanding. Often women forget that men are attracted to who they are and not just what they look like. Good looks may catch his attention, but who you are inside is what will make or break the relationship. <br /><br />Here are 5 qualities that inspire a man to stay devoted: <br /><strong><br />Honesty </strong><br /><br />If there's one trait that men value more than anything else in a woman, it's honesty. That may seem awfully boring, but it's actually huge. Honesty means more to a man than most women realize. Look at it this way: From a guy's perspective, the woman he is going to give his heart to is going to have a tremendous amount of power over him. This is especially true if he marries her. <br /><br />If he's going to give her that sort of power, he absolutely must be able to trust her. Trust is his most valuable gift he can give her (at least in his mind). If she is dishonest, it makes him question whether he can confide in and depend on her. Telling the truth may sometimes be uncomfortable and at other times may be hard, but showing your man that he can trust you to be honest with him at all times will do wonders for your relationship. <br /><br /><strong>Patience</strong><br /><br />We've all heard the proverb, "Patience is a virtue." Patience is key to a lasting relationship. But what exactly does it mean to be patient, anyway? <br /><br />Sometimes, women think of patience in terms of being tolerant. That's not what being patient means. Patience means thinking before you speak or act. For example, if you and your man get into a disagreement, stop and ask yourself this question: "Is this worth fighting about?" If it is, then bring it to his attention immediately, if it's not, be patient with him, hold your tongue, and move on. The little things are worth letting go. <br /><br />There are definite occasions when you should not tolerate his behavior. If he's unfaithful, abusive, or constantly rude or disrespectful, don't tolerate it from him. This isn't the time to be patient and accept it. <br /><br />Not at all. If it is worth confronting him about, tell him that you want him to change what he's doing. Give specific examples. If he doesn't change and the issue is vitally important to you, consider whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with a man like this. Patience is wonderful when it comes to small things. Let them fly. Yet when it comes to big, harmful things like infidelity, tolerance does much more harm than good. A good man will respect the woman who knows the difference. <br /><br /><strong>Kindness </strong><br /><br />Men can't resist a woman who is truly kindhearted. This means so much more than simply being nice to a man. Men measure kindness by how you act when he's done something wrong and he's genuinely sorry. For example, say he missed an important event. He forgot it and is genuinely sorry. Do you forgive him and move on, or do you hold a grudge and purposefully "miss" an event that is important to him? <br /><br />When he's feeling vulnerable, do you stick it to him or are you gracious? It is possible to accept his apology while conveying how his action hurt you while still forgiving him and moving on. If he's feeling vulnerable and you don't take advantage of it, he'll be incredibly attracted to you. Men want a woman who is genuinely kind and will stick by his side through thick and thin, good and bad. If you can be that woman for him, he'll never let you go. <br /><br /><strong>Believe in Him </strong><br /><br />There's not much sexier to a man than a woman who truly believes in him. In fact, research shows that if you believe in a man's dreams, he'll naturally be more attracted to you. What does this mean? You don't have to show a burning passion for each of his goals and hobbies in life. You don't have to take up an interest in Fantasy Football or golf tournaments. However, if you tell him that you believe he can accomplish anything his heart desires, you'll turn him on in magical ways.<br /><br />For example, say your man wants to start his own company someday. It may sound a bit crazy to you, but if that's his passion, encourage him to do it. When you believe in him, the dream feels real to him. It feels attainable. He wants you to believe in him, and if you do, he'll be able to do miraculous things. <br /><br />Sometimes a bit of motivation and encouragement from you is all he needs to get the ball rolling and shoot for the stars. If you truly pay attention to him and listen to his hopes and dreams and then tell him you have faith he can accomplish those goals without telling him how to do it, you'll create a deep emotional bond and build a strong, lasting relationship. <br /><br /><strong>Be Valuable </strong> <br /><br />Here's a secret that most women forget - men like expensive things. What's more, men actually want you to view yourself as a woman of exceptional value. Some women mistakenly believe this means they are to act in a condescending and aloof manner. But that's not what men consider valuable. Women who know they are valuable are, above all, happy with themselves. This acceptance of themselves frees them from the dreaded belief that, "If I were only better, a man would love me." Developing this quality can be as simple as learning a new habit. <br /><br />If you feel you're lacking any of these qualities, the good news is you can obtain each of them. The secret is to understand a principle that can transform your life. Here it is - What you do is more important than what you feel. Here's what it means. If you begin practicing the trait you want to acquire, initially it will feel strange. Yet, if you continue to practice acting like you're expensive or practice patience, you'll soon notice a difference in yourself that men will notice as well. Given enough time, these new qualities will become a part of you, and the man in your life will find himself wanting to be around you often. <br /><br /><strong>Bob Grant</strong>, L.P.C. is the author of the bestselling book, <em>The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want to Leave</em>. For over 20 years, his unique insights have helped thousands of singles and couples experience the relationship they have always wanted. Learn about these secrets by visiting him at <a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2012-06-18T14:05:00Z
Real Intimacy Is Harder Than You Think
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Real-Intimacy-Is-Harder-Than-You-Think/-250755651227527938.html
2012-06-11T14:05:00Z
2012-06-11T14:05:00Z
<strong>By Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D. and Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.</strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br /><br /><br />Carrie and Carl thought their sex life would be great once they married and were more relaxed with one another. But three months after the wedding vows, both felt disappointed. Carl expected it daily. He also felt he wasn't man enough without it. <br /><br />Carrie felt shy and a bit guilty about sex. She initially complied out of duty, but soon tired of Carl's impersonal way. She became adept at finding excuses to avoid sex. Privately she knew that she had never fully discovered how to let herself enjoy sex. They both knew there was something missing emotionally between them.<br /><br />With the frustration that hung in the air, both felt resentful and invisible to one another. Communication became superficial or rife with subtle, or not so subtle, put-downs. Marriage only intensified their frustration, leaving both feeling sexually unsatisfied. <br /><br />For a clue as to why this area is so difficult, let's travel back in history to the Victorian Age. In that era, sex was not something you talked about or necessarily even enjoyed, especially if you were a woman. At best it was a guilty pleasure. Carrie unwittingly still held some of these Victorian ideas. <br /><br />Less than a hundred years later, things seemed to change. Instead of being hidden, sex was flaunted, hooking up for the night was commonplace, and the physical pleasure was soon forgotten, leaving emptiness or shame in its place. Carl's notion of romance was too focused on his physical pleasure and tension reduction; it was lacking in emotional intimacy. <br /><br /><em>What is the essence of really good sex? </em><br /><br /><strong>*</strong> Really good sex <strong>has no guilt or shame attached.</strong><br /><br /><strong>*</strong> Really good sex <strong>is not just based on relief of tension or anxiety but entails positive emotions such as love and emotional intimacy.</strong><br /><br /><strong>*</strong> Really good sex <strong>arouses feelings that last much longer than the range of the moment. The afterglow can last for hours or days.</strong><br /><br /><strong>*</strong> Really good sex <strong>is experienced at a much deeper level than sex that is casual. It has meaning because it is tied to important values.</strong><br /><br /><strong>*</strong> Really good sex<strong> is mutually enjoyable, not a one-way street. Each partner takes selfish pleasure in both giving and receiving.</strong><br /><br /><em>How can Carrie and Carl work to improve their sex life-or more importantly, how can you attain good sex with your loved one? </em><br /><br /><strong>1. Make sure you both value yourselves </strong>so that sex expresses real self-esteem rather than creating pretend self-esteem through conquest.<br /><br /><strong>2. Make sure your partner shares important values with you </strong>so that you are attracted deeply to the whole person, not just one trait such as appearance. Support each other's values.<br /><br /><strong>3. Make sure you have a strong emotional connection</strong> through good communication and emotional openness, and make your partner feel visible for his or her character and good qualities.<br /><br /><strong>4. Learn the ins and outs. </strong>Learn to read your partner's moods and what affects him or her. Communicate about sex so that each knows what the other likes and does not like. (Guys: learn about the clitoris if you don't already know about it). Ask for feedback about what was pleasurable and what was not; be tactful and supportive.<br /><br />If you expect good, lasting sex and romantic intimacy to "just come naturally," you will doom yourself to feeling woefully disappointed. However, armed with the relevant knowledge and skills, you can have really great sex as a key part of a really great romantic relationship.<br /><br /><br />Copyright 2011.<br /><strong>Edwin Locke, Ph.D.</strong>, a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.</strong>, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2012-06-11T14:05:00Z
5 Things Your Husband Wishes You Knew About Him
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Things-Your-Husband-Wishes-You-Knew-About-Him/-386513383760831197.html
2012-06-04T14:21:00Z
2012-06-04T14:21:00Z
<strong>By Bob Grant</strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a><br /><br />Most women have been told that once they get married their husband will no longer have any interest in being romantic. In fact, there is nothing further from the truth. Most wives I've told this to politely look at me with a blank stare. In their minds, they believe that I'm just being an idealist (I know this to be true because they have told me later!). They believe that I'm simply saying this because I <em>want</em> it to be true. The realities of their marriages have convinced them that they simply have to settle for a marriage where romance rarely occurs.<br /><br />Here are 5 Secrets that your husband wants you to know about him, but doesn't know how to tell you.<br /><br /><strong>1) He feels more romantic than you realize</strong><br /><br />Most wives I've spoken with believe that they have little influence over how their husband feels toward them and nostalgically remember the early part of their relationship where their husband seemed constantly infatuated with them. What they often forget is the missing ingredient that single women know. Men respond to women. Specifically, most wives forget to flirt with their husbands. They assume that because they are married that he'll just naturally want to be romantic with them. Sorry, but that's so wrong. <br /><br />Remember when you were dating and you knew better than to simply leave the relationship up to him? I've seen wives in my counseling sessions that are excellent at this skill. One husband in particular started to raise his voice at his wife, and she simply twirled her ankle as he spoke. He didn't have a chance. After a couple of minutes, he seemed to forget what he was so upset about. Even though he was upset, he was powerless to resist her charm. <br /><br />Oh that may sound simplistic, but wives who frequently flirt with their husbands find the power they have to arouse passion is quite real. Try it for just one week and see if you don't find yourself having to tell him to keep his hands to himself. <br /><br /><strong>2) He's dependant on your happiness</strong><br /><br />It may seem that your husband doesn't care about your happiness, but that's often not what he's really thinking. Most men deal with problems by working hard to solve them. They don't rest until whatever is bothering them is "fixed." If they can't fix it, they temporarily forget about it and try and fix it at a later time. When they don't feel they can make their wife happy, they may try harder. If that doesn't work, they often quit trying because they feel they can't succeed. <br /><br />What he wants is to make you happy. When you're happy, he feels he's a wonderful husband. It makes him feel like he's a man. In fact, nothing improves his self-esteem more than feeling your happiness. <br /><br />It isn't enough that you tell him you are happy - he has to know it. He knows it when you show him by using emotional words. Telling him "thanks," won't cut it. If you like something or if he does something that makes you happy, he wants to know it worked. But most wives like it when their husband is trying to please them. What they often forget is to show their pleasure to their husbands. Husbands often tend to quit trying to please their wives because they don't think they can be successful. <br /><br /><strong>3) It's hard to listen when you're in pain</strong><br /><br />Most women tell me how much it means to them when their husband listens to them talk about their fears and frustrations. What they don't understand is what it's like for their husbands to listen to these emotions. <br /><br />Here's an example I frequently tell wives to illustrate this point. Imagine you were to tell your husband this, "I want you to sit right here in this chair and watch me get slapped and beaten by this other man. I don't want you to offer me any help. Just sit and listen as I cry in front of you." As hard as it might seem to believe this, that is how it feels for your husband to sit and listen to you talk about a problem and be told to do nothing about it. <br /><br />He tries to fix your problem because it makes him feel powerless and weak to simply sit there and do nothing. What your husband needs is your reassurance that his listening to you is actually quite nice. Tell him how special it makes you feel when he listens, and he'll know that he's helping you without having to solve your problems.<br /><br /><strong>4) Your husband is still attracted to you</strong><br /><br />I know this is going to sound unromantic, but here it goes. If you could look inside your husband's brain and actually read his mind, you'd hear something like the following: <br /><br />"When we first dated it was because I thought you were pretty. There was something about you. I liked you enough that I kept wanting to spend time with you. I'm happy I have a roof over my head when I sleep at night, but I don't feel the need to share this with anyone. I realize I might not say it to you, but when you look at me with that twinkle in your eye, I remember how lucky I am to have married you."<br /><br /><strong>5) Asking For Help Makes Me Feel Like a Failure</strong><br /><br />Most women don't realize how important it is for a man to feel that he is good at something. For a husband, being able to make his wife happy or proud of him is crucial to his self-esteem. For your husband, asking for help is the same as admitting he isn't capable of solving his own problem or as one husband described it, "It makes me feel like I'm a little boy when my wife offers to help me fix something. Like she doesn't believe I can do it." Yes ladies, this is why he doesn't want to stop and ask for directions. <br /><br />I'm not suggesting that you never offer to help, but unless he asks for it, I'd suggest you don't offer your help. What means more to him is your belief in his ability to overcome whatever is bothering him. Try saying something like this when you can tell he's frustrated by a problem: "I don't know how you'll solve this, but I know you and I know you'll find a way to fix this. I know this because I'm your wife." <br /><br />If you say this, I promise you he'll feel like he can accomplish anything and he'll grow even closer to you emotionally.<br /><br /><strong>Bob Grant</strong>, L.P.C. is the author of the best-selling relationship book, <em>What Husbands Can't Resist</em>. For the past 20 years, he has provided unique and po werful insights for thousands of men and women in over 50 different countries. You may visit him at <a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2012-06-04T14:21:00Z
'I'm Sorry': Expressing Regret the Right Way
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Im-Sorry:-Expressing-Regret-the-Right-Way/641097849769393497.html
2012-05-29T21:05:00Z
2012-05-29T21:05:00Z
<strong>By Nancy Pina</strong><br /><a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com" target="_blank">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a><br /><br />When conflict arises, are you the person who's quick to apologize, wanting to sweep everything under the rug so the tension goes away? Or are you the one who tends to hold that hurt for a while, allowing the offensive words to gain a life of their own? <br /><br />Most of us identify with one approach or the other when arguments happen in love. The problem is neither response leads to a true reconciliation that enhances the relationship, leading to a better understanding of each other. <br /><br />The good news is that there is a method to apologizing that will not only allow your words to be heard, but also lead to emotional healing. The key is to learn how to ask for forgiveness that conveys the message of regret in a manner your significant other needs to hear to accept your apology.<br /><br />Asking for forgiveness is a lifestyle choice because a sincere apology carries with it the motivation to turn from the former way which caused the distress and go in another direction. The trust in your relationship grows when you demonstrate change in your actions and behaviors. <br /><br />As a relationship coach, I have advised individuals to remember that whenever one overreacts to a comment or situation that there is something else that is triggering the reaction. It's not in the current moment; you just put your finger on the button.<br /><br />Have you had this experience in love? <br /><br />You're engaged in some teasing banter with your loved one that goes a bit too far. You know just as the offending comment came out of your mouth, you said the wrong thing and a blowup was about to take place.<br /><br />Perhaps this type of episode?<br /><br />During a pleasant evening together you say something that triggers an eruption from your loved one. You are so surprised that all you can say is, "I'm sorry," which your sweetheart can't hear in the heat of the moment. You don't know what you need to be sorry about, but know it was the wrong thing to say. <br /><br />Those episodes can shake the relationship emotionally, but can be ideal opportunities to achieve closeness if you learn how to communicate your regret in the right way. Here's my advice on how you can communicate a successful apology:<br /><br /><strong>Don't get defensive.</strong> Don't underplay the other person's feelings and try to wiggle out of the conflict. Just because what you said wouldn't hurt you, those memories and emotions are very real and deserve your compassion.<br /><br /><strong>Take ownership of your words:</strong> Include in your apology the words, "I am sorry that my (behavior/comment/tone of voice, etc.) hurt you." Period. Do not add the "but" disclaimer because it cancels out the apology. Communicate your understanding of what caused the distress and admit you are remorseful. <br /><br /><strong>Ask for forgiveness:</strong> It's hard to ask for forgiveness when you believe you have not done anything wrong, but that approach communicates a lack of respect for your loved one's feelings. It's just not your emotional hot button. Relationships have a way of balancing out when you practice love and compassion over the need to win every battle. <br /><br /><strong>Don't panic:</strong> The eruption may need a cooling-off period before your relationship gets back to normal. Sometimes you may need to write out what you said so the apology can sink in.<br /><br />No one likes tension in a love relationship, however rushing the process of working through the trial can lead to resentment. Glossing over blowups, coughing up an apology out of obligation, and not looking at the deeper meaning behind the argument can easily lead to emotional separation.<br /><br />Ideally, I encourage couples to use these experiences to deepen their relationships. On the other side of the argument is an opportunity to learn more about the emotional trigger from your loved one's perspective. <br /><br />Every situation that happens in your relationship is a point of learning about yourself. Even if you initially reject the accusation, it is important to honestly assess if there is truth in those statements. Your willingness to embrace a teachable attitude will enrich your relationship and lead to a more fulfilling commitment.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Nancy Pina</strong> is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical, Christian-based advice. Visit <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com" target="_blank">www.rightrelationshipstv.com</a> for articles and exercises. Her recent book and app can be found at <a href="http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html" target="_blank">http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2012-05-29T21:05:00Z
Seven Secrets to Make True Romance Last
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Seven-Secrets-to-Make-True-Romance-Last/-951471460661652723.html
2012-04-16T15:03:00Z
2012-04-16T15:03:00Z
<p><strong>By Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D. and Ellen Kenner, Ph.D</strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br /> </p>
<p>The so-called experts say romantic passion cannot last - that it's just based on hormones in the brain which deplete as the "honeymoon" period, the excitement of a new love, fades away.</p>
<p>We disagree. The secret to lasting romantic passion lies in knowing what makes romance thrive. For many, romance is infatuation - it is falling head over heels for someone based, typically, on one or two desirable qualities such as looks and charm. Such attractions do not last because they are too shallow.</p>
<p>True romance is based on loving the whole person, not just skin-deep but soul-deep. It's a feeling of deep connection based on the sense you share fundamental values, fundamental views about yourselves and the world. For example: Is the world a place of adventure or a place that inspires fear? Does each of you want to grow in your knowledge and skills or just stay the same? Do you feel "in sync" emotionally? Here are seven secrets to making romance last a lifetime.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. You need moral character: honesty, integrity, independent judgment, a sense of justice, earned pride in yourself.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">2. You need an ego. If you are selfless, there is nothing to love. A person with an ego has their own values, things they stand for, things they love, things they want for themselves. Each partner needs to support the other's values.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">3. You need also to share some common values - over and above moral values - things you both like to see and do together.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">4. You need compatible personalities - you don't both have to be the same but you need to mesh so you make each other feel understood and appreciated.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">5. You need to care about your appearance (without being vain).</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">6. You need constant communication, which includes good listening and feeling understood.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">7. You need good sex, which means you need to learn how to give each other pleasure by telling each other what you like (and do not like). You need to learn to read each other's moods and try to establish a positive emotional climate.</p>
<p>Are you starting to see what it takes to make a lasting romance? Hard work. If you know what love really is, not only will it last once you pick the right partner, but it will become deeper and more passionate as the years go by.</p>
<p>©Copyright 2011.<br /><strong>Edwin Locke, PhD</strong>, a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, PhD</strong>, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored the <em>Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2012-04-16T15:03:00Z
Investing in Your True Self... If Not Now, When?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Investing-in-Your-True-Self...-If-Not-Now,-When/-58832596036191276.html
2012-04-09T14:36:00Z
2012-04-09T14:36:00Z
<p><strong>By Ronda LaRue, M.S.</strong><br /><strong><a href="http://www.rondalarue.com" target="_blank">RondaLaRue.com</a></strong><br /><br /><br />I wonder what would happen in your life if one day you said:</p>
<p><em>"Enough! It's time for me! I am going to take time out to go in. I am going to make time to find and reconnect with myself and with what really matters!"</em></p>
<p>What would happen if -- when the "nay saying voice of reason" came in and filled your head with all the justifiable reasons you cannot possibly take the time, spend the money, or leave your family obligations for 3-4 days to retreat from the world and to reconnect with you -- if you consciously overrode that seeming logic, and took the "Illogical leap of faith" to invest in yourself, in your spirit, in listening for life's deepest meaning and purpose?</p>
<p>As one who has lived through my own struggles, many mistakes, grievances, addictions, dark night of soul despair and spiritual awakening -- and having now worked with hundreds of women and men who come to retreats with me for personal spiritual guidance and to learn the life-changing Soul Arts tools for finding and following one's own wisdom in every day real life -- I wish to offer you this:</p>
<p>You are absolutely not alone! </p>
<p>Each one of us carries an early wounding inside that has, at least in part, shut us down from remembering and fully expressing our true self. Each of us has places we feel guilt and shame over our failures and mistakes. Each of us has feelings of betrayal and grief. We each have insecurities we cover over with our "makeup masks" and personas we put in place to hopefully make us more like-able (a.k.a. safe). Each of us has very likely felt the fear of financial ruin and becoming a helpless, destitute "bag lady" (or man) if we dared follow our hearts.</p>
<p>What I have come to realize from my life work as a spiritual teacher is people who are not in this line of work don't have the benefit of meeting and talking with others and realizing you are not alone in your secret most inner feelings of self-doubt. These are universal feelings which arise from unconscious attachments and self-defining ego structures that block us from the realization of our true nature. </p>
<p>Our fear-thoughts and places of self-doubt are, in fact, an invitation to remembering who we really are. These inner struggles are what bring us to seeking, to awakening, and to growing in daily expression of authentic relationship with life ...We are simply not taught in our culture HOW to recognize these invitations to awaken, nor how to employ them in a healing and life-transforming shift of consciousness necessary to true self-realization.</p>
<p>Let me please ask you to consider this: If you realized by taking time out to go in, you were in truth making the greatest life investment you could ever make: for yourself, your loved ones and our world, would you pass it by out of fear?</p>
<p>What would you be throwing away with "reasonable sounding" excuses such as not enough time, money or self-confidence? What might your authentic self look like, feel like, have as its special and unique gift? Can you really afford to turn away from your own truth and beauty?</p>
<p>The truth I've come to see over and over again without exception, is this:</p>
<p>Our fears, obstacles, and times of deepest despair are seeds sprinkled on the ground of life waiting for each of us to say: "There must be something more!! I am going to invest this life in finding out what it means to awaken to life's riches meaning!"</p>
<p>This is the daily truth we forget: We only ever actually live, and are alive within each moment, here and now. Now is where your life is played, nowhere else! It is good to reflect and to recognize how we spend each moment reflects the values we are placing on life. Each moment, another coin of your lifeline is being spent. In what are you investing with the coins of your life? </p>
<p>Will you invest in finding your true self? Will you invest in following your life's very own unique genius? ...If not now, when?</p>
<p><br /><strong>HOME PROCESS:</strong></p>
<p>For the next week, every night write down all the places you invested your time and resources. (Don't forget TV, alcohol, unfulfilling social engagements, time spent worrying on some future "what if"; on beauty, shopping etc.). Don't excuse or rationalize your choices, just remain curious and look. Simply get acquainted with where you are implicitly placing your life's values by way of your time spent. Don't judge as good/bad, right/wrong. Simply LOOK and SEE... </p>
<p>Then sit down for 15 minutes or so in a comforting place, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask your mind to go to the background for just a bit so you can hear from your soul (that inner quiet place). Then simply ask your heart what qualities long to be lived in your life. You aren't seeking an objective answer. You only need to go inwardly quiet and sense what qualities are longing to be more lived in your life. The seeing and sensing of this simple process is enough to sprout a seedling on your path of growing wisdom.</p>
<p><strong>Ronda LaRue</strong>, author of two books on the art of spiritual awakening, and every day authentic living, offers personal spiritual retreats and self-healing programs. Her Center for SoulArts Retreat Programs in Ojai California have been rated one of the Top 10 Spiritual Retreats in the world. (Asia Spa Magazine, 2007) For more information visit <a href="http://www.CenterForSoulArts.com" target="_blank">http://www.CenterForSoulArts.com</a> or <a href="http://www.rondalarue.com" target="_blank">http://www.rondalarue.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2012-04-09T14:36:00Z
5 Marriage Myths
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Marriage-Myths/863523094736005572.html
2012-04-03T22:19:00Z
2012-04-03T22:19:00Z
<p><strong>By Bob Grant</strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a></p>
<p>With the divorce rate around 50% it's no surprise many couples want to do everything they can to strengthen their marriage. The problem is many couples believe certain myths about their marriage and spend time trying to correct those very myths.</p>
<p><strong>Below are 5 of the most popular myths concerning marriage and why they aren't as true as you have been told.</strong></p>
<p>1. <strong>Your marriage has a 50% chance of ending in divorce.</strong> While this is statistically correct, it doesn't mean it applies to your marriage. You can strengthen your marriage by doing simple things together that will create a bond which lasts a lifetime. In fact, couples who take a walk together each evening and have a "date night" every week are much less likely to get divorced than the average couple.</p>
<p>2. <strong>Your spouse is your best friend.</strong> Actually your spouse isn't supposed to be your best friend - that would be boring. What makes a marriage sizzle is having a partner who has enough in common with you while also possessing other qualities, both frustrating and fascinating. A best friend is someone who is usually similar to you. They aren't different enough from you to inspire the passion you'll want in a marriage. Therefore, don't be surprised if you have more in common with others than with your spouse. This can be a good thing!</p>
<p>3. <strong>Don't go to bed angry.</strong> Sometimes it's best to resolve a conflict immediately. Yet there are other times when this isn't possible. Some conflicts take longer to resolve than others and trying to "fix the problem" before you go to bed can often lead to the problem simply being ignored. Instead, promise to finish the discussion the next day and make time for the difficult conversation. It isn't easy to be with your spouse when they're angry, which is why couples often try to minimize conflict. Great couples get angry with each other, but they continue to discuss a problem until there is a solution, even if it takes several days.</p>
<p>4. <strong>Don't fight in front of the kids.</strong> To be honest, this is horrible advice. Children who never see their parents "fight" don't learn how to handle conflict. They tend to avoid disagreements in their own (future) relationships and assume their parents never disagreed. It's not bad for parents to disagree in front of their children, so long as they do so in a polite and safe manner. This means no threats, name calling, or violence. Handle yourselves like civilized adults and teach your children how to handle disagreements successfully. Children will learn you can love someone while also disagreeing with them. This understanding actually makes them feel more secure. </p>
<p>5. <strong>Having a Baby Brings You Closer.</strong> Whoever thought this up has never had children. I'm not saying children aren't wonderful. I have 4 myself and they are also a lot of work. The first few months after a new baby arrives are exhausting. It is a mixture of wonder and stress as parents cope with lack of sleep and the new mom often goes through a period of recovery after giving birth. A baby doesn't cause a couple to grow closer. Instead, the bundle of joy enhances the parents' current relationship. A bitter couple will become even more bitter. Those healthy marriages in which each partner listens and helps the other will find the addition of a new baby will make them feel more love for each other. </p>
<p>Although these myths are well intended, they often cause harm to a couple when they try one of these and it doesn't work. What is most important in a marriage is simply each partner's willingness to try to care for their spouse. They may not do it perfectly, but when each person feels the other genuinely cares, the marriage will thrive even when they don't follow a checklist of things to do.</p>
<p><strong>Bob Grant, L.P.C.</strong> is the author of the bestselling relationship book, <em>"The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want To Leave."</em> For the past 20 years he has provided unique and powerful insights for thousands of men and women in over 50 different countries. You may visit him at <a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2012-04-03T22:19:00Z
What Does Character Have to Do with Romance?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Does-Character-Have-to-Do-with-Romance/646435022742940352.html
2012-02-14T15:43:00Z
2012-02-14T15:43:00Z
<p><strong>By Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D. and Ellen Kenner, Ph.D</strong><br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br /> </p>
<p>Cynthia was immediately attracted to Harry's good looks, easy smile and charm. She thought, "This is the guy for me." A few dates, and she was smitten. A few more dates and everything fell apart. Harry lied to her, had an affair with her best friend, and borrowed money from her, which he did not pay back. What went wrong?</p>
<p>We all make automatic, subconscious judgments of the people we meet usually based on readily observable characteristics - the kind Cynthia saw in Harry. Sometimes our first impressions turn out to be sound, but often they do not. We can miss the deeper layers due to infatuation, which involves excessive focus on one (or more) traits such as looks. What exactly are the deeper layers? The most important one is moral character.</p>
<p>Consider the virtue of honesty. Let's say the person you're attracted to is good-looking, charming, intelligent and dishonest. What's going to happen? That person's charm and intelligence will be used to deceive you. This will make trust impossible and without trust there can be no emotional intimacy.</p>
<p>What about integrity? A person who says one thing but characteristically does another (for example, expresses loves for you and then sleeps around) is also untrustworthy.</p>
<p>How about independence? Does this person have real, authentic values or are they just a mirror of everyone else's values. How can you love a person with no real identity?</p>
<p>Consider productiveness. Does this person take the responsibility of earning a living (if not engaged in full-time child-rearing) or do they mooch off friends and relatives and drain your life savings?</p>
<p>What of justice? Does this person praise your virtues and defend you against those who disrespect you or does this person toady up to your foes for prestige or approval?<br />Does this person respect reason or are facts (such as responsible money management) something to be invented or dismissed based on the whims of the moment?</p>
<p>Does this person respect his or her own moral character and take earned pride in it or scorn the whole idea of caring about what's right or wrong? Moral character is the foundation of romantic love. Of course, there are many personal factors involved in romance, but without a moral foundation, those personal factors will gain you nothing but unhappiness as Cynthia found out with handsome Harry.</p>
<p>Take a close look, over time and across many situations, at your potential partner's moral character. Choosing a person of good character is the first step toward romantic happiness.</p>
<p><br />(c) Copyright 2011<br /><strong>Edwin Locke, PhD</strong>, a world-renowned psychologist, and <strong>Ellen Kenner, PhD</strong>, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness(r), have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a>.</p>
Staff
2012-02-14T15:43:00Z
A Better Way To Date
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Better-Way-To-Date/108308246933325584.html
2012-01-30T20:41:00Z
2012-01-30T20:41:00Z
<p><strong>By Bob Grant</strong><br /><a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a></p>
<p><br />Most of my clients are single and want to get married. For years I've listened as men and women have expressed their frustrations with not being able to find "The One." When I ask them what they believe is the cause of their problem, most give the standard answer, "I guess I'm just too picky."</p>
<p>My response to them is almost always the same, "I doubt that's the problem." Here's why. When I speak with both men and women who are successful with dating and later marriage they don't talk about not being picky. If fact, the problem for most singles is the way they date. Those individuals who seem to effortlessly attract and keep someone wonderful tend to follow these 5 rules of dating:</p>
<p>1. <strong>Know What You Really Want.</strong> When most singles hear they shouldn't be so picky, they often believe this means they should compromise on those characteristics that mean the most to them. In reality, what is better is to not have too many items on your "wish list." Understanding what you really want in a partner means there are a few core items you absolutely must have in a partner, but on everything else you can be flexible.</p>
<p>2. <strong>It Takes Time to Get to Know Someone.</strong> When you're dating someone, here's what your brain is doing. In an attempt to evaluate the other person, you look for clues about his or her personality and character. The problem is after only one or two dates, you may think you know a lot about the other person, but you really don't. What you're seeing is only a "slice" of who that person really is. Unless your date acts in a way that is completely inappropriate, don't stop seeing that person until you get to know him or her better. 3 dates is the absolute minimum.</p>
<p>3. <strong>Don't Try and Save Someone.</strong> Let's face it; all of us have done this. You meet this very attractive person and you want it to work out so badly. They don't show up on time or they lie when confronted with the facts, but you end up justifying staying with them because, "They're really attractive," or "But he's so successful." The hope is given enough time they'll stop acting poorly and change into the person you know they "really are deep down inside." This approach to dating often causes singles to spend YEARS waiting for their partner to change...and it rarely does. It's better to find someone who's good for you and good to you rather than trying to convince someone to change.</p>
<p>4. <strong>Love Can't Fix Problems.</strong> Perhaps you've heard this statistic, which relates to lottery winners. Exactly one year after winning the lottery, the person will feel exactly as he or she did before becoming rich. If they were frequently depressed, anxious or bored before receiving so much money, then that's how they'll feel - even when they're rich. The same applies regarding dating and marriage. A relationship can make a happy person happier, but it won't take away feelings of loneliness.</p>
<p>5. <strong>Notice How They Treat You When They're Unhappy.</strong> Dating is about getting to know another person. Some singles view dating as a magical time with a person who makes them feel wonderful, and yet that dream simply isn't possible...all of the time. I promise, no matter how amazing of a person you pick, there will come moments when they get discouraged. There will be other times when both of you disagree or even argue. How they treat you during those nonromantic moments is the best indication of what kind of marriage partner they will be.</p>
<p>The truth is in those moments, they aren't being driven by their feelings, but by the simple fact of do they care enough about you to be gracious to you...even when they don't feel like it.</p>
<p><br />Bob Grant, L.P.C. is the author of the bestselling relationship book, "<em>The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want To Leave</em>." For the past 20 years he has provided unique and powerful insights for thousands of men and women in over 50 different countries. You may visit him at <a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2012-01-30T20:41:00Z
Take the Loneliness Out of the Holidays
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-the-Loneliness-Out-of-the-Holidays/-633466179996284446.html
2011-12-05T21:59:00Z
2011-12-05T21:59:00Z
Edwin Locke Ph.D and Ellen Kenner Ph.D<br /><a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com<br /></a><br />
<p>Everyone feels lonely at times, but this can worsen on special holidays such as Christmas when people enjoy celebrating with others. Maybe you are single. Maybe you have no family, or none close, or are alienated from them. Maybe you have few or no friends or have recently lost a loved one. Maybe your spouse is overseas in the military. Perhaps you are ill and cannot get out.</p>
<p>What can you do? Of course, you can connect with friends and loved ones by phone, email, Facebook, twitter or Skype. You can think of acquaintances who might want to celebrate with you, even in some small way, but perhaps you have been afraid to call. Why let your initial fear stop you?</p>
<p>Now consider presents. In most cases Christmas giving is a trade: each party enjoys both giving and receiving. But what if, this Christmas, you have no one with whom to exchange gifts? Here is an idea: buy yourself a present, something you selfishly want-just for yourself. <br /><br /><strong>There are many forms in which you can do this:</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>*</strong> Buy something from a store-maybe a special item of clothing, a fragrant soap, or a new tie.<br /><strong>*</strong> Get a special take-out dinner for yourself.<br /><strong>*</strong> Rent or download a video of your favorite movie or one you have long wanted to see.<br /><strong>*</strong> Buy or download a special book that you have wanted to read.<br /><strong>* </strong>Exercise--take a walk in your favorite location or go to the gym<br /><strong>*</strong> Visit a museum you like. <br /><strong>*</strong> Buy a pet cat or dog. They can be wonderful companions. If you are not sure if you want one, offer to temporarily take care of someone else's pet and see if you enjoy it.<br /><strong>* </strong>Volunteer doing something you enjoy - for yourself - as a way of meeting people.<br /><strong>* </strong>Write a story - what would an ideal Christmas be like? Imagine an ideal companion - what would they be like?<br /><strong>* </strong>Play your favorite music.<br /><strong>*</strong> Watch a TV show or special that makes you smile.</p>
<p>Avoid torturing yourself by sitting at home feeling powerless about the situation and sorry for yourself. That only deepens feelings of loneliness or sadness. Instead, give yourself permission to nurture yourself and seek some personal holiday joy.</p>
<p>The key is to take charge of the situation. Get out if you can. Be active. Pursue a value - any value that's important to you. Your values are what give meaning to your life.</p>
<p>(c) Copyright 2011</p>
<p>Edwin Locke, PhD, a world-renowned psychologist, and Ellen Kenner, PhD, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored <em>The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason</em>. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a> Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com</p>
Staff
2011-12-05T21:59:00Z
The Secret About Selfishness Happy Couples Know
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Secret-About-Selfishness-Happy-Couples-Know/10027.html
2011-08-22T07:00:00Z
2011-08-22T07:00:00Z
<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg" />Edwin Locke Ph.D and Ellen Kenner Ph.D<br />
<a href="http://www.selfishromance.com/" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<em>"My partner means the world to me. I would do anything for him. I want nothing for myself. I want only please him."</em><br />
<br />
When you first fall in love, the whole world seems to fade into the background. Your lover is center stage. When you're apart, you intensely long for this person. You imagine being in one another's arms. You plan wonderful events to surprise or please your partner. You feel complete. <br />
<br />
Fast forward 5 years: <em>"I wish he (or she) would give me a break!"</em><br />
Now married to this same person, you no longer feel complete, you feel depleted. Your days revolve around catering to your partner. You long for the few moments you can get away from the "ol' lady" or "ol' man," whether it be grabbing a drink with buddies, or getting a "breather" when your spouse visits relatives or has to travel for business. Why do most romantic relationships sour so fast? What mental policy is guaranteed to destroy any marital paradise? And what mental policy can rescue your romance? <br />
<br />
Try an exercise: Look at the quote at the outset of this article, and see if you find a clue in it. The death knell to a great relationship is in that quote. Don't read further till you try this. <br />
<br />
Did you identify the death knell? If you pulled out these sentences: <em>"I would do anything for him. I want nothing for myself. I want only please him,"</em> you are well on your way to a more rewarding romance. Becoming a doormat in a relationship destroys love. Selflessness, other-ism (altruism), is the romance-killer policy. <br />
<br />
To see the <em>selfless</em> pattern clearly, let's take a trip into the life of Mandy and Dan. Dan is Mandy's dream companion: smart, handsome, ambitious, caring and passionate about their lovemaking. Secretly, Mandy doesn't feel as though she's completely worthy of him. She's always felt a tad insecure. To make sure he stays around she tells herself she must make him happy. That thought is soothing to her. <em>At least I'm not selfish,</em> she muses, <em>I'll be the best wife I can be. </em><br />
<br />
Dan and Mandy go apartment hunting. Dan loves the city; Mandy loves the country, but she feels guilty letting Dan know how strongly she feels about this. So when he suggests looking only at apartments in city, she meekly says "Okay." As they check out apartments he's chosen, she's silently at war with herself: <em>Yes, they are all decent apartments, but--in the city!</em> She coaches herself her needs are not that important. What matters is Dan is happy, so she feigns approval of Dan's top choice. Dan senses her hesitancy and encourages her to voice her opinion. She adamantly insists, "Oh no! I really like the place!" and feels shaky and a bit nauseous inside. This becomes their home. <br />
<br />
This selfless pattern continues with their hobbies: Dan enjoys skiing. Mandy doesn't like the cold but doesn't dare tell Dan her preferences (dancing and playing volleyball). So they spend a few weekends every winter on the slopes. Dan can't understand why it takes Mandy so long to pack for these trips, and why she seems to catch colds when they arrive at the lodge, leaving him to ski alone.<br />
<br />
Mandy's selfless, altruistic policy is multiplied in countless daily choices. No wonder Mandy wants a "break" from Dan. He's not a bad guy, but increasingly she sees him as selfish and feels resentful. He is baffled. He senses something is very wrong with his wife but can't quite put it into words. <br />
<br />
Of course, men often make the same mistake, and in many relationships, both partners try to sacrifice for one another, ending in mutual insecurity and mutual resentment. <br />
<br />
Self-valuing, not selflessness (nor a "my way or the highway" narcissism), is essential for romance. When both partners learn to value themselves, and learn how to communicate well with one another, romance flourishes.<br />
<br />
<br />
Edwin Locke, PhD, a world-renowned psychologist, and Ellen Kenner, PhD, a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally-syndicated radio talk show, The Rational Basis of Happiness(r), have co-authored The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Both are experts on Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. For more information visit <a href="http://www.selfishromance.com/" target="_blank">www.selfishromance.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com .
Staff
2011-08-22T07:00:00Z
Five Reasons Why You Don't Need To Be Perfect to Attract a Good Man
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Reasons-Why-You-Dont-Need-To-Be-Perfect-to-Attract-a-Good-Man/8982.html
2011-06-07T13:00:00Z
2011-06-07T13:00:00Z
<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg" />By Bob Grant<br />
<a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a> <br />
<br />
Perfect Is Overrated...I promise. Men don't need a woman to be flawless to be attracted to her. <br />
<br />
After years of listening to women in my private practice, many women seem to think men expect nothing less than perfection. If you were to visit some popular men's websites you would certainly think that unless a woman is both highly attractive and incredibly accommodating, men have no interest. This is not really accurate. At least not in the way you might think.<br />
<br />
Here are 6 reasons why trying to be perfect is a waste of time.<br />
<br />
1. <strong>Men naturally find women appealing.</strong> Here's an exercise that will illustrate my point. The next time you are in a crowded area take a moment and casually look around at the men. Take at least 5 minutes and you will find the men are all looking at the women. All of the women! They will be looking at the tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, curvy ones and on and on and on.... Don't take my word for it. Try it and see for yourself. <br />
<br />
2. <strong>Men will believe what you want them to.</strong> Years ago, I had a recently divorced client who had 4 small children. On a particularly difficult day she tearfully said to me, "What guy is going to want to be with a woman who has 4 children under the age of 7?" My answer to her was if that's her view, then she should not marry. Yet, if she viewed the fact her children were wonderful and not a burden then men would likely see her children not as a burden but an extra bonus. Within 1 year she was married. Her current husband never thought of her children as anything other than a wonderful extension of his new bride. <br />
<br />
3. <strong>Authentic is more appealing than Perfect.</strong> Every woman knows the feeling of seeing a man snap his head around to look at a striking woman as she walks by. What most women don't notice are the women men describe as, "there's something about her." Those women may or may not be the tallest, most attractive, youngest, etc. They seem to have an effortless power to attract men. That quality is their ability to be authentic. They are comfortable with themselves and men not only notice that quality, they feel it. <br />
<br />
4. <strong>Look at who men do marry.</strong> This may sound simplistic but I often illustrate this to women by asking this question: "If you had a choice between two men and everything about them was exactly the same, with the exception of one being worth millions and one being poor, who would you prefer? Would you select the wealthy one, or the one who was poor?"<br />
<br />
Answer: If they were equal in all other aspects, most women state they would choose the wealthy gentleman. I mean, why not if everything else is equal?<br />
<br />
A man would be wrong to assume that just because a woman likes the characteristic of a man with money she cannot love a man unless he is wealthy. In fact, most women I speak with tell me this, "It isn't that he has to make a certain amount, but I would like to know he has the potential to make enough for me to feel comfortable." In fact, most women are willing and/or expect to help out financially - for example: budgeting. <br />
<br />
This same standard applies to men. If given the choice between a woman whom they believe is very attractive, and one who appears to take no interest in her appearance, they will choose the attractive one. This doesn't mean they will only consider a woman who is striking. Take a look at most married men and you will see plenty of women who would not be considered "perfect" have husbands who choose to marry them and feel lucky about their decision.<br />
<br />
5. <strong>It's the Frog we Fall in love with and Not the Prince.</strong> This may seem like something your mother would tell you but it's actually true. It's the unique qualities about a woman that make a man bond with a woman. In fact, if a woman never complains, gets upset or shows any fear then men are actually more likely to describe her as, "boring." <br />
<br />
What's true is that trying to be perfect isn't what makes a woman more appealing. Those women who understand how appealing they are to men, simply by being a woman, are the ones who seem to be at ease around men. Men can't help but notice how comfortable they are with themselves and it makes them say to themselves, "There's something about her."<br />
<br />
<br />
Bob Grant, L.P.C. is the author of the bestselling relationship book, "The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want To Leave." For the past 20 years he has provided unique and powerful insights for thousands of men and women in over 50 different countries. You may visit him at <a href="http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/" target="_blank">www.relationshipheadquarters.com</a>. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com .
Staff
2011-06-07T13:00:00Z
Presence with a Purpose: Seven Ways to Create Your Style Your Way
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Presence-with-a-Purpose:-Seven-Ways-to-Create-Your-Style-Your-Way/8983.html
2011-03-22T07:05:00Z
2011-03-22T07:05:00Z
<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg" />By Natalie Jobity<br />
<a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fwww.nataliejobity.com%2f&tabid=122&mid=465" target="_blank">www.nataliejobity.com</a><br />
<br />
Style is ultimately about knowing yourself and expressing who you are. It's about being comfortable in your own skin. Despite the occasion or the event, the stylish woman seems to have that special charisma that commands attention. Confidence is the hallmark of having true style. <br />
<br />
Women often ask me how they can begin to tap into their style persona. I advise them to ask themselves some honest questions: What do you like? What makes you feel good? Whose style do you admire and why? What image would you like to project? In addition to looking at these answers for inspiration, there are seven universal style personalities that you can use as a guide. If you begin to discover yourself in one or more of these personas, your next step is to start 'owning' it.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Romantic:</strong><br />
The "Romantic" is the type of woman who is truly feminine at heart. She wants her clothing to be understated yet fun and girlie so that her beauty can really be the focal point. Her closet may be filled with ruffled tops, soft jackets with bows as accents, lace blouses, and flowy skirts and dresses rather than pants. Her color preferences will be on the softer end of the spectrum, warm pinks, sky blue, aqua, coral, or salmon. She will likely prefer to wear shoes with heels than flats.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Diva:</strong><br />
The "Diva" is the woman who wants to be in the spotlight. She may not be the most beautiful in the room but people gravitate towards her because she rocks her style and exudes confidence and charm. The Diva's closet may be filled with bright colors, funky prints, exuberant designs with lots of flash and accessories that dazzle. She wants to be noticed and she wants to be the center of attention so she will go to the extremes of fashion if she needs to. <br />
<br />
<strong>The Outdoorsy:</strong><br />
The "Outdoorsy" style woman projects a casual, laid back image, characterized by a friendly, approachable look. She's wholesome, carefree and natural without being sloppy or lazy. Sporty typifies the 'all American style' of blue jeans and a button down. This woman's closet is filled with relaxed separates, classic styles, and jeans and flats. She has minimal accessories because she does not like to spend too much time getting dressed up. Effortless and comfortable are her style watchwords. <br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>The Traditionalist:</strong><br />
The "Traditionalist" is a woman who favors classic styles and projects a very traditional, conservative and business like image. She is practical and functional when it comes to her clothing. Her closet is filled with suits, classic silhouettes, very conservative styles and not much variation in color. She probably has a 'uniform' for her casual wardrobe. Being fashionable is not particularly important to her. <br />
<br />
<strong>The Sophisticate:</strong><br />
The "Sophisticate" is a woman who values fashion as a status symbol. She projects a refined, stately and high maintenance image that is characterized by a cultivated and polished look. This woman will always look impeccably put together from head to toe. She invests in clothing and grooming because they are an important part of her lifestyle. Her closet is filled with timeless pieces from brand name designers, and clothing in the most luxurious fabrics. The Sophisticate values quality as much as she does style. <br />
<br />
<strong>The Seductress:</strong><br />
This woman is very comfortable in her skin-so much so that she projects a sexy and provocative look. She exudes sensuality and is uninhibited in her fashion choices. She delights in figure contouring designs, and her closet will be filled with pieces that are exciting and designed to reveal and emphasize her sex appeal. She will own the highest heels, the shortest dresses, the most daring undergarments and she will use animal prints and cutouts as accents in her clothing. If she wears slacks they will be figure hugging. <br />
<br />
<strong>The Eclectic:</strong><br />
This woman thrives on the element of surprise and whimsy. The eclectic woman is free spirited and independent in her fashion choices. She wants to be the non-conformist and uses clothing to express her individuality. Her style may be hard to define because it's so all about her. Her closet will be filled with period pieces, classics, trendy items -everything is fair game. It's how she puts her ensembles together that makes her stand apart from the pack. This woman is likely to set her own fashion trends. <br />
<br />
Whether you identified with one or more of these styles, the point is to use this guide to really establish a style persona that is distinctively yours. My tagline 'Presence with a Purpose' conveys that ability to project a sense of ease, poise or self-assurance; it is energy and an attitude. It can be magnetic. Go for it!<br />
<br />
Natalie Jobity is the President of Élan Image Management, a premier image consulting firm, a bestselling author and sought-after speaker. She provides coaching and image consulting services to women internationally who are ready to own their spotlight. Natalie is the author of <a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fwww.amazon.com%2fFrumpy-Fabulous-Flaunting-Ultimate-Effortless%2fdp%2f0982929706%2fref%3dsr_1_1%3fie%3dUTF8%26s%3dbooks%26qid%3d1304364527%26sr%3d8-1&tabid=122&mid=465" target="_blank">'Frumpy to Fabulous: Flaunting It'</a>. For more information visit <a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fwww.nataliejobity.com%2f&tabid=122&mid=465" target="_blank">www.NatalieJobity.com</a>. Click here for image to tips you can use everyday. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com .
Staff
2011-03-22T07:05:00Z
It's a Curve Ball: Who's Got Your Back?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Its-a-Curve-Ball:-Whos-Got-Your-Back/8984.html
2010-11-02T06:42:00Z
2010-11-02T06:42:00Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg" />By Kirk Wilkinson
www.thehappinessfactor.com
Is life throwing you a curve? Perhaps your husband of 15 years suddenly wants a divorce, although you thought things were going pretty well. Maybe you were surprised by a lay-off and now struggle to get a job, even though you are a great candidate and deserve the positions you apply for. Maybe you are facing a serious illness or trying to mend a broken relationship with a child or loved one. These are not uncommon issues, but none of them are easy.
When I have a client come to me with issues like these, I always ask, "Who's got your back?" Regardless of the client's gender, age or status, this question always causes my client to stop and think. The answer I hear most often is "no one."
Not many years ago I went through one of the toughest periods of my life. Having survived cancer twice, and overcoming several other personal and emotional setbacks, I was truly doing my best to be a good person, do what is right and work hard; but I just wasn't happy and couldn't get out of a deep rut of depression and sadness. What made it worse was not having anyone to confide in. Counseling hadn't worked in the past. I didn't want to burden my friends. And I certainly wasn't going to talk to my parents. I felt totally and utterly alone - not physically, but emotionally. I call this acute loneliness.
You experience acute loneliness when, although you are surrounded by others, you feel as if you are facing life's challenges and problems alone. Acute loneliness made my problems feel bigger than they really were and made me feel as if my problems were unique and that I had to figure them out all by myself. Both my thoughts and my emotions were distorted because I had no one to help me calibrate my feelings and help me unload the baggage I was carrying.
Likewise, when my clients answered that "no one" had their backs, they, too, were suffering from acute loneliness.
Are you like my clients? Do you feel as if no one has your back? If so, here are a few things you can do to reduce your feelings of acute loneliness and start to create supportive relationships so that someone has your back:
Write it out
: Journaling is quite therapeutic and can help you make sense of what you are feeling. This can take on many formats, such as writing a letter you do not send, or jotting down feelings, thoughts and emotions, or writing a story.
Make a list
of people that you
might
be able to talk to. Start out by listing the people that come to mind without deciding who you are going to talk to. Once the list is made, rank the people on your list in terms of emotional safety, with the safest person at the top.
Take a risk
: We all feel vulnerable sharing our problems with someone. One way to overcome feeling vulnerable is to pick a topic or a single issue to discuss with someone we trust instead of dumping all your problems at one sitting. As the safety grows, you can share more.
Know that people want to listen and help
: Remember that people on your list who can offer you some level of emotional safety most likely want to help and are willing to listen.
Set some ground rules
: When you do decide to confide in someone, I highly suggest that you set some ground rules. If you only want them to listen and not give advice, let them know that up front. If you just want to vent, say so.
Seek professional help
: If your list does not yield someone you can trust or feel safe with, then it may be appropriate to seek help from a counselor or life coach. Many employers provide anonymous services for counseling. If counseling isn't your thing, seek a coach or mentor that will listen and provide objective feedback and wise perspectives.
Grow your support network
: Happy and optimistic people share something in common - they have a strong support group of people they can turn to. Try being a friend and confidant to someone as a way to grow your own network of friends.
Use social media with caution
: While you don't want to post your problems on Facebook, you can reach out to people in your network and ask for help or support. You would be surprised at how many people care for you and are willing to help.
Forgive
: I know this is hard, but one powerful way to stop feeling acute loneliness is to forgive those who have offended you. This is a great way to rebuild relationships and create safety.
Exercise
: Believe it or not, taking a walk or performing strenuous exercise will help you feel better about yourself and will help put your problems into perspective.
You don't need to feel alone or assume you will burden others by opening up about your challenges. As for my clients who initially feel that no one has their back, we are always able to find someone who can offer support. Whatever you are going through, don't go through it alone.
Kirk Wilkinson
is a best-selling author, two-time cancer survivor, speaker and life coach. His book
The Happiness Factor: How to be Happy no Matter What!
will teach you how to create happiness from the inside out. For a free four-part course on how to be happy, simply subscribe here:
www.thehappinessfactor.com
. How happy are you right now? Take the free happiness assessment at
www.thehappinessfactor.com/assessment.php
. Permission granted for use on
DrLaura.com
.
Staff
2010-11-02T06:42:00Z
Four Signs You are Risking Your Marriage
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/Four-Signs-You-are-Risking-Your-Marriage/8985.html
2010-09-11T06:51:33Z
2010-09-11T06:51:33Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Anna Karimo
There is a magical time in each relationship that lasts for 3 months to 2 years. This is called New Relationship Energy (NRE) and is more commonly known as falling in love. Often, the NRE stage will make people not care about each other's flaws, and the two people will be so in love that they will do anything for the other person. They think they are a perfect match. The NRE will make everything in the relationship seem wonderful.
Then, reality sets in.
Most couples will start to take each other for granted after this time. This is the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship, and it is responsible for the failure of many relationships and marriages.
Here are some signs that you're taking your partner for granted:
1. You don't spend time together anymore
You feel like you don't have the energy that used to hold you together. Both spouses start doing more things outside of the relationship, and they can become so busy that they don't have time for each other anymore. When you don't spend time together, you're taking your relationship for granted. This is especially true if you're doing lots of new, exciting things outside of the relationship.
Tip: Set aside time for your spouse first, then book other activities or people second. Make your spouse a priority because you could lose your bond if you don't spend time with him or her. Come up with new, exciting things to do together.
2. You don't keep your spouse up-to-date on your life
Usually this starts when one of the spouses is too critical of the other. The other spouse then stops telling the critical spouse what is going on in his or her life for fear of being judged.
Tip: Don't be critical of your spouse. Your spouse is the person you fell in love with. If you're the spouse who stopped being open, you need to stop being afraid to voice your needs to your spouse. Tell him or her that you don't want to be judged.
3. You let your image go
When you were in love, you wanted to impress your spouse and would always look your best. When the NRE is over, most people make the mistake of letting their image go downhill. If you let your image go, your spouse will think that you only dress nicely for other people. Your spouse wants to feel that you'll dress up for him or her.
Tip: Get rid of that ugly, comfy outfit that you like to wear at home! Have something that's comfortable but still attractive. Dress for yourself, and you won't have a problem.
4. You stop creating intimacy
After the NRE is over, both spouses aren't having as much sex. Most couples take the relationship for granted and start to naturally drift away from each other. Sex is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship.
Tip: Any positive changes in appearance will be helpful, and creativity and small gifts will bring more romance to the relationship. Give each other massages and make little romantic gestures. Sometimes, you have so much to do that you think you're too tired to have sex, but I can guarantee you will feel less stressed and tired once you start.
Anna Karimo
is the founder and CEO of Nouveau Dating. Anna formerly ran the largest dating service in Colorado, and she noticed that many of her clients did not know how to date effectively. She collected and read over 6,000 comment cards about the dates her clients went on to deepen her understanding about dating and relationships. Anna now dedicates her time to creating dating
courses and packages
based on her observations from the dating service. To find out more, visit
www.nouveaudating.com
or
www.annakarimo.com
.
Staff
2010-09-11T06:51:33Z
With this ring: Should Children Be Included at Your Wedding?
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-this-ring:-Should-Children-Be-Included-at-Your-Wedding/8986.html
2010-07-28T02:23:27Z
2010-07-28T02:23:27Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
Tough decisions
For some brides a sudden burst of tearful protest from an infant is just a reminder of the familial love surrounding them on their special day. For others and their guests, even soft cooing from a baby is distracting and annoying. Your wedding guests want to hear the vows you and your new partner in life will recite on your wedding day, so what to do?
The decision whether to include children on wedding and reception guest lists is a tough one. Undoubtedly, you will offend someone with either way. Aside from disruption of the ceremony, children can also interfere with photographers and the wait staff at the reception. Indeed, some reception sites have restrictions regarding children in attendance. And let's not forget that being stuffed into a tiny suit or itchy, flouncy dress and asked to behave like an adult for a full day is pure torture for antsy youngsters.
Therefore, if you are planning not to allow children on your guest list, let your guests know as soon as possible. So that this request isn't interpreted as a statement that the bridal couple doesn't like children, don't make an announcement that children aren't invited on the wedding invitation. A telephone call is more personal and a better opportunity to convey regrets that you are unable to accommodate little ones. You may also be able to offer suggestions or a solution.
Help for parents
First, remember the guest list is up to the bridal couple, not the guests. However, if a couple on your list RSVPs with names of uninvited children, approach the subject with understanding. Some parents may not have childcare options. The problem of allowing small children during the ceremony is easily solved if the church offers a separate area where families with little ones can observe services without disturbing others. Request that it be available for your wedding guests. Sometimes a close, experienced family friend will volunteer to babysit.
You can also offer a list of numbers for recommended baby-sitting services that you've personally reference-checked. Better yet, anticipate which guests might appreciate assistance with child care help for the day and look into sites (the church nursery, hotel, preschool or other) and qualified care givers (licensed, insured and bonded) who can care for and entertain children during the ceremony and reception.
Should you decide to have children at the reception, consider having a kids' table with special decor, crayons, books, favors (no noisemakers) and pizza, chicken nuggets or spaghetti. Be sure the photographer gets pictures of this table early on. Consider hiring a someone to watch over and help entertain them in a separate room with a clown, magician, puppeteer, games or videos. It's ideal if the children can stay in one place from ceremony through reception. For such a long day, provide a place for very little ones to rest.
Still another option for children attending the reception is to have someone take them to a caregiver's home after dinner. The parents can pick them up or someone can return them to the reception at an agreed upon time.
Consider options carefully
If you aren't going to hire a nanny or arrange to have children entertained, I urge you to reconsider inviting them to the reception. Halfway into the reception, adults tend to ignore rowdy behavior and it is unfair to everyone else for the children to be left to their own devices. After a period of time the boredom will lead to irritability or mischievous behavior.
Every couple grapples with this hot subject in the course of planning their wedding. It is an individual decision I encourage you to deal with directly. I wouldn't kid you about that.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of Robbin Montero, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country."
www.a-dreamwedding.com
©2009 Robbin Montero
This article cannot be reprinted without Robbin Montero's expressed written permission. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
Staff
2010-07-28T02:23:27Z
With This Ring: Why Weddings Cost So Much
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-This-Ring:-Why-Weddings-Cost-So-Much /8987.html
2010-07-28T02:23:00Z
2010-07-28T02:23:00Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
One of the biggest hurdles for parents planning a wedding is that thirty years may have passed since they last planned a wedding. To say things have changed in that time is an understatement. Back then, brides were often unaware of the costs and the mother of the bride often made all the plans.
To give perspective, I often tell couples and their parents to consider the cost of medium-priced cars then and now. Then, a car cost about $3,500, the same as the cost of a wedding. Today, a wedding with all the trimmings still costs the same as a mid-priced new car, which can be around $25,000 to 50,000, depending on the locale.
Calculating the scope of expenses
Before you argue that sounds like too much money, remember the cost of the wedding is much more than the ceremony location and food and beverage expenses. Couples frequently underestimate their wedding expenses by calculating only the cost of the reception. The cost of an officiant to marry them, the ceremony music, reception music, flowers for the ceremony and reception, invitations, and announcements are significant expenses that cannot be overlooked. There's also transportation, a wedding dress, tuxedos, a wedding cake, a photographer, a videographer, party favors, and the rehearsal dinner. Regardless who will bear these costs, they are all factored into the total cost of a wedding.
Though often not figured directly into wedding expenses, I'm sure the bride does not consider the costs of hair styling, make-up, manicures and other personal services in preparation for her to look her best to be minor incidentals. They are also real expenses unique to the wedding party, which will have many such extras.
Couples are also prone to miscalculating the number of guests. Some costs (wedding dress, ceremony, reception music, photography, flowers, for example) remain the same regardless how many guests attend. Many of the costs of a wedding are the same whether you will have 50 or 500 guests. Known as "hard costs", they will be spread over the number of guests. Food, beverages, cake, rental equipment, and favors are among the costs that vary with the number of guests.
Choices that can cost or save
Most weddings take place between April and October, with the majority being scheduled for summer. Couples may pay a premium for popular sites and services during busy wedding season. Since most weddings take place on weekends, they may also bear extra labor expenses.
Many vendors only get to book weddings on weekends and, often, only one wedding per day. Vendors have a limited time to make their money. They don't work weddings seven days a week. High-demand photographers, bakers and florists are able to charge premium rates that can inflate your expenses. Any bride who can consider booking her wedding on "off" days -Fridays, Sundays or mid-week- can explore favorable pricing opportunities.
Naturally, the cost of doing business varies by location and region. Metropolitan areas, such as Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago and New York City, are much more expensive places to marry than Kansas City, Missouri. California and New York also have a relatively high cost of doing business, as do popular destination cities commonly selected for weddings.
If you stop to think about all that goes into planning a beautiful wedding, and the number of vendors who will contribute to the day, it is easy to see why weddings cost so much. This is not like any other party you've hosted. However, if you decide what is most important to you before you commit to purchases, you can make choices that will help keep the cost of your dream wedding in line.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of
Robbin Montero
, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country."
www.a-dreamwedding.com
. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
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Staff
2010-07-28T02:23:00Z
With this ring: Cheers! When to Toast and When to Roast
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-this-ring:-Cheers!-When-to-Toast-and-When-to-Roast /8988.html
2010-07-28T02:22:19Z
2010-07-28T02:22:19Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
Salute! Sante! Cheers! Toasting dates back to Roman times when a glass of wine with a toasted piece of bread at the bottom was passed around the table. The last person to sip from the goblet, claimed the bread and would be the one to "toast".
Often people fear they will be expected to give a brilliant spontaneous toast, but those responsible for wedding toasts know in advance and can prepare. They can write down their thoughts and rehearse ahead of time. Still others prefer toasts that spring from the heart as they rise from their seat.
Roasts vs. toasts
The rehearsal dinner is the appropriate time to have a "roast", a completely different form of salute. A roast is never appropriate at a wedding reception. The rehearsal dinner guests are generally limited to members of the bridal party, closest friends and family members participating in the wedding. Everyone can participate in a rehearsal dinner roast, with a joke, humorous anecdote or sharing of personal memories.
Most people attending the rehearsal dinner have a more intimate relationship with the couple so they can enjoy intimate humor. However, if the tendency is for the humor to be risqué, stop short of making the parents and older relatives uncomfortable.
At the reception
Toasts are traditional at wedding receptions where the guests are a broader cross-section of relatives and acquaintances of the bridal couple. Though interested in the couple, most of those outside the wedding party are a step removed from the bridal couple in terms of intimacy.
There are two good times during the reception to make brief toasts. A toast (or a couple brief ones) can take place prior to sitting down for dinner or prior to cutting the wedding cake.
The couple hears toasts from well wishers in a specific order. First, the party's host begins the toasting. If the father of the bride is the host, he starts. The traditional order is: first, the father of the bride; second, the best man; then the maid of honor. While not as well known a tradition, the maid of honor does indeed toast the bride and groom. If the bride and groom host their own wedding, they would start the toasts by extending thanks and appreciation to families and guests first.
Elements of a toast
A toast is a meaningful acknowledgment of the wedding couple and an expression of good wishes for their happy future together. It is also a salutation of welcome, with one side of the bridal party welcoming the other. For example, the best man welcomes the bride into the groom's side of the family and his circle of friends.
The presenter of the toast should keep in mind other wedding guests are not as close to the couple, so remarks should not be worded in such a way that only a select group will understand. This is also not a time to try to make the bridal couple blush. The toast should last around three and no more than five minutes. At the conclusion, guests are asked to "raise their glasses" or invited to "give a toast" to the new couple.
In addition to the more traditional wording, personal poems or lines borrowed from famous poets can create the mood and tone the presenter is seeking. Or, they can write a personalized speech. Sentimental toasts are common, particularly the father of the bride's toast to his daughter and welcoming the groom into the family. Guests are then responsible to raise their glasses in a heart-felt, joint expression of good wishes.
Many books on toasting are available and can be found in bookstores or online. Cheers! Here's to a wonderful future.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of
Robbin Montero
, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country." For more information visit
www.a-dreamwedding.com
. ©2009 Robbin Montero Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2010-07-28T02:22:19Z
With this ring: The Honeymoon
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-this-ring:-The-Honeymoon /8989.html
2010-07-28T02:22:11Z
2010-07-28T02:22:11Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
"Be alert to pitches for "off season" discounts. In some destinations "off season" really means hurricane season." - Robbin Montero
Generally thought to be the most "honeyed" time of a couple's marriage, the honeymoon is certainly one of the most romantic trips you and your spouse will ever take. With careful planning, you will have many treasured memories of this occasion.
I highly recommend using the services of an experienced travel agent. Not only will you get the best prices, but most agents have traveled extensively and can easily provide first-hand information such as which countries are not in good standing with the United States, relevant current laws of the country, and what to pack. Most important, travel agents can insulate you from problems that commonly arise in self-booking.
Brides and grooms should agree in advance on the desired attributes for a perfect honeymoon. Decide whether you want warm or cold weather, active or relaxed recreation, a foreign country or a cruise, or perhaps an all-inclusive resort package. Verify the climate of the desired location during the time of year when you'll be traveling.
Making Reservations
Be alert to pitches for "off season" discounts. In some destinations "off season" really means hurricane season. When looking to save money on travel, I do not recommend
"red-eye" specials. They appear cost-effective, can easily throw off your sleep pattern and significantly reduce your overall enjoyment of the trip.
When making reservations, ask the travel agent about honeymoon specials or discounts. Some locations will provide newlyweds with perks, such as an upgraded room, a bottle of champagne, or a gift basket upon arrival. Your agent will ensure you receive them.
If you travel outside the United States, a passport or visa may be required. Apply well in advance so you will have it in time. Inquire of your travel agent about the need for shots or vaccinations before traveling to your chosen destination. Moreover, if renting a car, check all possible driving permits and ensure that the reservation is booked in your unmarried name, or the name that appears on your passport. Your married name will not yet be recorded on any legal papers, and all documents need to match the passport name. Finally, purchase travel insurance for your baggage.
Packing
Traveling light is fine, but don't overlook crucial items. Make a list of necessary items to pack, such medications, antacids or digestive aids, birth control pills, sunscreen and eyeglasses. For cruises, carry motion sickness medication or wear a patch. Antiseptic wipes help prevent spread of germs when you can't wash your hands regularly. Take a credit card, travelers' checks, phone cards, and a cell phone if your carrier offers international travel service.
Utilize a carry-on for the plane that contains a change of clothes, your medicines, and eyeglasses, just in case your luggage gets lost. Ensure that your passport, visa and identification are secure on your person, along with plane tickets and hotel confirmations.
Pack sightseeing information and any appropriate foreign language translation books. Bring a camera, plenty of film and a camcorder. Think of photo-ops!
Foreign Travel Precautions
Ask your travel agent to provide the address and telephone number of the American embassy in any foreign country you visit. Take the information with you and leave copies with family at home. Before leaving, provide your family with an itinerary of where you will be staying, location telephone numbers, and the name and number of your travel agent. Make a copy of your passport and leave it with family in case you lose the original while abroad.
Once at your destination, be careful what and where you eat. Avoid street vendors and wash your hands or use antiseptic wipes frequently. If yours will be an extended stay, it is courteous to check in with your family and let them know you are safe.
Following these suggestions will help minimize any problems that could arise. Happy honeymoon.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of
Robbin Montero
, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country." For more information visit
www.a-dreamwedding.com
. ©2009 Robbin Montero. This article cannot be reprinted without Robbin Montero's expressed written permission. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2010-07-28T02:22:11Z
With this ring: Today's Wedding Traditions Evolved from Ancient Customs
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-this-ring:-Todays-Wedding-Traditions-Evolved-from-Ancient-Customs-/8990.html
2010-07-28T02:21:54Z
2010-07-28T02:21:54Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
"Ancient rings were forged of iron, to last forever like marriage."
Gold wedding rings, tiered cakes with icing, and the long, white gown-all are traditions we associate with modern weddings. However, these traditions have roots in practical, romantic and odd ancient customs.
For example, the sweet, iced wedding cakes served today spring from more humble, flat "grooms-cakes" made by a family member. As young unmarried girls left the reception, they took a piece of grooms-cake displayed on the table and wrapped in a piece of bridal veil. The single lady then placed the cake under her pillow at night and dreamed of her future groom!
Other wedding cake traditions centered on fertility. In one, the actual wedding pound cake was broken up and sprinkled over the couple to assure their fertility. Today we throw rice or birdseed. The stacking of wedding cakes began as a ritual in which the bride and groom would see how many cakes they could reach over for a kiss. The number of stacked cakes predicted the number of children they would have. A 13th century Frenchman began icing stacked cakes, starting the style of wedding cakes we know today and look upon merely as delicious good luck symbols.
Have you ever wondered about the origin of the phrase "tying the knot"? In ancient tribal days, a girl was wrapped in a sheet with a knot tied in the front, signifying to the groom and his family that she was a virgin. The groom had the privilege of untying the knot on their wedding night.
Weddings are pivotal in all cultures. In some primitive tribes the bride and bridesmaids dress identically. Because superstition played a role in shaping the ceremony and celebrations, dressing the women in the wedding party alike was thought to confuse evil spirits. (In more recent, but still superstitious times, the ringing of church bells and the release of doves also helped ward off evil and blue was the color that signified purity.)
A tribal best man's duties were somewhat unusual. When women were scarce, it was the job of a tribe's best warrior to steal potential brides from neighboring tribes. The groom-to-be and the warrior would sneak off under cover of darkness. The warrior would then club the chosen bride over the head and literally abduct her! The event turned into a swashbuckling drama, as the "best man" would then adeptly fight off angry relatives, should the girl awaken prematurely and cry out. Later in Europe, unhappy relatives had a practical role in shaping customs. The best man, in a warrior-like role, stood to the right of the groom, sword in hand, to stop intruding clan members.
Flower girls and ring bearers are newer additions to wedding parties. A flower girl first appeared in the middle ages, bearing wheat to symbolize fertility. The ring bearer was added mainly for symmetry.
Especially in this country, girls dream of wearing a flowing white wedding gown from an early age, thanks to Anne of Brittany. She donned a white gown to marry King Louis VII of France in 1499. Prior to this, women just wore the best dress they owned. American brides also carry on the quaint custom of wearing "something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue" to bring them luck.
The most enduring symbol of marriage, the circular wedding ring symbolizes eternal love and devotion. Ancient rings were forged of iron, to last forever like marriage. Today's gold and platinum rings are still placed on the third finger of the left hand. This is a holdover from an old belief that a vein ran directly from the heart to the ring finger. To this day some brides still believe it is bad luck to remove their wedding ring for any reason.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of
Robbin Montero
, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country." For more information visit
www.a-dreamwedding.com
© Robbin Montero This article cannot be reprinted without Robbin Montero's expressed written permission. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2010-07-28T02:21:54Z
With this ring: Saying "I Do" - Programs, Vows and Marriage Licenses
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-this-ring:-Saying-I-Do---Programs,-Vows-and-Marriage-Licenses/8991.html
2010-07-28T02:21:18Z
2010-07-28T02:21:18Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>Robbin Montero
www.a-dreamwedding.com
The wedding day is fast approaching, but many details remain to be scheduled and inserted into your celebration plans. The following three important aspects of your celebration are worthy of considerable thought, planning and scheduling.
The License
It would be a great party, but without a license, it won't be a wedding. Contact or visit the country clerk's office well in advance of your wedding date in order to check the current laws in your state. Some states require proof of citizenship, though in California one needs only to show I.D. Some states require proof of dissolution of marriage in cases where one or both of the parties have divorced. Check with the county clerk's office if you are under age eighteen to see what the requirements are regarding parental consent and signatures.
Some states require a blood test and others have waiting periods that range from seven to thirty days. Also, after receiving your license, you must be married within a specific period of time. In California, there is no waiting period and no blood test is required, but you must marry within 90 days after obtaining your license. Obtaining your marriage license is a task to place on the calendar within the above dates.
Your Vows
The wedding officiant can be of great help to you by outlining various standard vows or making suggestions for you to write your own. Some churches have brief, written formats to follow. A special poem, line from a song, scripture, or any text meaningful to the couple can be incorporated into the vows.
Religious indoor ceremonies often include a unity candle in which the mothers of the bride and groom light candles that they pass to the couple. The couple then uses the tapers to simultaneously light one large pillar to signify their bonding.
A wine ritual, best for outdoor weddings, is similar to the unity candle concept. Vows can also include children from previous relationships. It is a nice, inclusive touch when blending families to bring the children into the ceremony, perhaps giving them their own little rings or necklaces to wear.
Programs
Wedding programs need not be elaborate. They can be done on computers or professionally printed. Programs always begin listing the bride and groom's names, the date and location of the ceremony, and the time. The most common format is to list members of the bridal party in the order they walk down the aisle. Titles of the musical pieces and names of musicians during the processional are also included. Special prayers or readings can be listed or printed in the program, as well.
Choose ink and paper colors for your program that coordinate with your overall color theme. Or, the program can have a ribbon "bookmark" that carries your wedding colors. Some couples use the same design on their programs as the design for their wedding invitations. A scanned photograph of the wedding couple on the cover is a nice touch.
It may take a bit more work, but a brief, personally written introduction of the bridal party members, how you met them and your relationship to each individual is often appreciated. A thank you to the parents is also appropriate in the program. The back of the program is sometimes used to print a remembrance of parents, grandparents or other special people who have passed on but who enter the bridal couple's thoughts on this special day.
"Stress Free, Leave the Details to Me,"
is the tried and true philosophy of
Robbin Montero
, California Wine Country wedding planning expert and owner of A Dream Wedding. Robbin is the premier wedding planner in the Northern California Wine Country, transforming any vision into the perfectly designed wedding creation. Robbin and her weddings have been featured in The Knot, Brides, Elite Magazine, Your Wedding Day and Vine Napa/Sonoma magazines, and ImportantOccasions.com. Travel & Leisure magazine calls Robbin, "The expert wedding planner in the California Wine Country." ©2009 Robbin Montero.
www.a-dreamwedding.com
. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2010-07-28T02:21:18Z
How To Increase Intimacy In Your Relationship
Staff
http://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Increase-Intimacy-In-Your-Relationship /8992.html
2010-05-07T09:09:57Z
2010-05-07T09:09:57Z
<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/relationships.jpg"/>By Dr. Jackie Black
www.askdrjackie.com
Creating, nurturing and maintaining intimacy in long-term, committed relationships requires intention, deliberate choice and deliberate action. Nothing about creating intimacy and truly being intimate with another person is unconscious. Closeness is enhanced through purposeful sensitivity, tenderness and respect for each other.
Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.
There are three good reasons that you and your partner might not always communicate effectively with each other.
First, most people don't identify their feelings accurately.
Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.
Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.
Does this sound like you or your partner? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to him really isn't so complicated.
Don't avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say. Say it! It will go a long way to deepen your intimacy!
Don't hide your worries because you don't want him to know that you are not in control. Share them! Watch the intimacy between you soar!
Don't dismiss your hopes and dreams because you are afraid he won't share your excitement. Honor them! Allow him in, and experience the intimacy between you intensify!
When you stay emotionally available and present, the intimacy you are building will deepen, and get richer and better. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.
So be intentional. Be certain that your deliberate choice and deliberate action send the unmistakable message that you are happy to be with your partner and that your life is better and richer with her or him than it could ever be alone. Take the time to truly develop, take care of and preserve the intimacy of your relationship, learn to roll with the ups and downs and you will enjoy the warmth and tenderness of the relationship you want and deserve.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
Is it time to repair and revitalize your marriage? Dr. Jackie Black, International Relationship Expert, Educator, Author and Coach, offers advice, information, and support to couples in trouble and couples facing illness so they can rebuild and restore the closeness in their relationships and live their best life and love life together. Subscribe to Dr. Jackie's free monthly Relationship Tip Sheet and read about Dr. Jackie's coaching services at
www.DrJackieBlack.com
. Watch for Dr. Jackie's new books Couples and Money: Cracking the code to ending the #1 conflict in marriage, and People Talking: Cracking the code to being understood. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Staff
2010-05-07T09:09:57Z