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Have you ever had the experience of trying not to think of something?' Like when you're trying to go to sleep and something upsetting keeps coming to mind?' You may attempt to squeeze it out of your mind, but it seems to come back with a vengeance.'What you learn about your mind is that when you try to shove something into a dark closet, your mind feels compelled to peek into that closet again and again to see if it's still there.'Everybody has memories from the past they'd rather not remember.Everybody has annoying, upsetting, or threatening events going on in their everyday lives.Everybody is bothered by thoughts they'd rather not have.Instead of pushing them away, invite them in and deal with them.Some callers have told me that after a year or two of marriage, they think about an old high school flame, and they wonder if this is an "omen" that they've married the wrong person.' No, of course not."Courting" is fun; marriage has obligations, responsibilities and challenges.' Even the things we love can feel overwhelming.' Fantasies and thoughts and dreams about someone else are brain "vacations," taking you to a time when you had no worries.' Invite those thoughts in and examine them:' "Let's see...if I married John instead of my husband Steve, hmmm...gee, I'd miss Steve's smile and hugs, his manly chest, his tenderness with the kids, and eventually John would have probably ticked me off too in some silly ways."Once you've done that, it is no longer an obsession.' The vacation is over, and a greater appreciation of what you do have takes its place.Don't fight the thoughts.' Invite them in and talk to them.' Take control, and they will leave on their own. More >>

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I hear from (and about) a lot of women who say they're not interested in sex, and they are married to men who vowed fidelity, and so those men are now literally out in the cold.Many women can be quite cruel about their behavior:' telling their husbands to "just deal with it" or challenge them into getting a "girlfriend."' These same women may throw a fit if their husband pleasures himself while watching Internet pornography consisting of a man and a woman engaged in passionate sex.Sheesh!' They can't have it both ways, unless women expect their men to bust their buns taking care of children and a wife without the normal, expected "reward" of love and passion.Some women have medical issues which cut down on their feeling sexy, but not many medical issues truly inhibit women from pleasing their husbands, and then discovering themselves getting "turned on" in the process.Most of the time, too many wives just get lazy and self-centered about taking care of their romantic and sexual lives because of kids' schedules, friends and relatives, and "busy busy" stuff that just consumes every ounce of their energy.' Let's be honest - that's an excuse and not a real reason.' You can pace yourself and make choices.' Many women don't bother, and feel that the sexual needs of their husbands are burdens to them and not a compliment or offer of ecstasy.Interestingly, many of these women are the ones who call me, complaining that their husbands don't do much for them on Valentine's Day, or birthdays and anniversaries.' Are you kidding?' What is he to celebrate?' Marriage and family have turned him into an asexual monk!Women's sexuality requires "priming," while guys are just about always "ready to roll."' A lot of that priming has to happen in her head:' thinking affectionately about sensual things, bathing, primping and flirting - the kinds of things wives tend to leave at the altar or in the birthing room.I have come to feel sorry for husbands in general in America today.' The feminist mentality that has labeled any male needs as "oppression" has certainly poisoned a lot of minds out there.If you think you're one of those, or if you need your attitude jump-started, read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands .' It's helped a lot of women get happier. More >>

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I have railed since day one when clinicians started calling bad choices and bad habits "diseases."The good news about calling alcohol and drug abuses "diseases" is that clinicians and others can reap financial rewards by charging insurance for their "medical" intervention.The bad news about calling substance abuse a "disease" is that the individual is robbed of his real ability to exercise choice and self-control , and such labeling puts the onus on society to give that individual a "pass" on taking responsibility for the consequences of the addiction.There is considerable proof that addiction is a choice:' the book "Addiction: A Disorder of Choice," by Gene M. Heyman, Harvard University Press, demonstrates many of them.'For example:' in 1970, it was determined that between 10% and 25% of enlisted Army men were addicted to high-grade Vietnamese heroin and opium.' When they were told they couldn't come home without being drug-free, the vast majority stopped using narcotics as the word of the new directive spread.' The vast minority who were detained for detoxification programs were clean when given a second chance.' Only 12% of soldiers who were dependent on opiate narcotics in Vietnam became re-addicted at some point in the next three years.The point is that calling alcohol or drug abuse a "disease" takes away from the individual the respect for his or her ability to choose.' Every behavior we have is somehow tied to genetics and the brain.' That doesn't make it a disease unless the individual has no choice .' Alzheimer 's disease gives you no choice.' Multiple sclerosis gives you no choice.' Alcohol abuse is a choice.Addicts are drawn to drug abuse to salve depression, anxiety, boredom, and self-loathing.' At the start of their addiction, they feel great, short-term, and they start giving up the joy in work, hobbies, family and friends.' After a while, they need the drug to salve psychic pain (which is now increasing with the collapse of other factors in their lives), suppress withdrawal symptoms, and eliminate the craving.' At some point, when these benefits come to be outweighed by the adverse fallout the balance shifts, and the addict chooses recovery.The concept of disease includes the obliteration of choice-making ability .' Fortunately, addicts can make a choice, and congratulations are in order to those who do! More >>

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Tiger Woods is getting back to playing golf.' He'll be participating in the Masters 2010 in Augusta, Georgia beginning April 5.' I know a lot of people are happy about that, because they like to watch him play, and without him, the interest in golf apparently diminished, with enterprises associated with audience interest taking a great financial hit since he's been away from the game.Frankly, I don't care one way or the other.Nonetheless, NYDailyNews.com had a lengthy article focusing on Tiger's "confessions."' Evidently, he said he "was living a lie."' Well, that's true.' He was making lotsa money presenting himself as a clean-cut family guy, all the while arrogantly flying girls around the world to meet him for "sex breaks."He also said "Yeah, I tried to stop, and couldn't stop."' WHAT???' Where does the word "couldn't" come from? The only irresistible impulse is one which is not resisted. He enjoyed that very enticing perk of fame and money:' the adoration of women and lot of varied sex.' There's nothing new here in the history of mankind.Once you cross that line, however, it gets easier and easier to feel as though you are safe and entitled, and it becomes a bigger and bigger part of your everyday life - whether your obsession is sex partners or donuts.I'm disgusted that Tiger Woods is being yet another bad role model ("the devil made me do it, and I had to exorcise the devil in rehab").' To me, he is still lying.' He could control his impulse any time he wanted to, but he didn't want to.' The risk-taking was exciting, and the orgasms and feeling of sexual control over women was way too thrilling for him to decide to give up.' He's giving it up now because it ended up costing him big-time.' See?' The decision was made when the math came out different from before.In my book, Tiger Woods won't change until he takes responsibility.' In his comments, he also said that "stripping away denial and rationalization, you start coming to the truth of who you really are, and that can be very ugly." True enough.' And he should say the truth:' that he enjoyed the perks, but that the trade-off ultimately wasn't worth it. More >>