Let's talk about having conversations.' You read that right - I didn't goof and actually mean confrontation , which typically is what I hear most about on my radio program.' It is not a good plan to think of trying to communicate something delicate or important to someone by approaching them through the lenses of battle, which is what confrontation implies.There are ways to deal with another person on difficult issues that don't necessarily feel like the throwing down of a gauntlet (an attack against which they have to be defensive).' The moment you get someone's defenses up, the quicker the whole situation degenerates into a "lose/lose" predicament, usually making things even worse than they were.If the information is to a loved one, start out with a "Sweetie" or "Honey" or something that sets the tone as one of friendship, love or caring.' Continue with the explanation that it is to improve the situation that you're coming to them (because you don't want the relationship hurt by misunderstandings or errors in judgment or word choice).'' Then they know that you are not attacking them, but you are trying to preserve the relationship and they will be more open to hearing your point of view.It's also important to start out with some verbal "gift," i.e., that you compliment them with sincerity by suggesting that you understand what their position might be, but that you're confused, hurt, upset or worried that ________ [fill in the blank].' Remind them what you've meant to each other and how you want that to continue, and that this is a glitch which can be remedied with mutual consideration and understanding.If you're up against a reasonable, caring individual, things will go well.'If you're up against an un reasonable, self-centered human being, things will go well if you walk away.Rule number "PRE-one:"' Don't wait for emotions to fester.' Handle things as they happen before you work yourself up to the point that you can't be reasonable. More >>

The other day, someone made an honest comment to me about a gift I gave them - a rude comment, but an honest one.This is the sort of circumstance I hear about a lot on my radio program.' Callers get very upset about some small moment of discomfort, stupidity, rudeness, thoughtlessness - you get my drift.' It sends them into a tizzy, because I guess they yearn for this perfect world where everyone else's behavior conforms to what it is that makes them happy.People are largely busy with their own lives, and they don't always monitor their mouths or body language.' Sometimes, they're prone to say things without consideration of how it might be received.So, back to my story - I just laughed.' Look, my feelings can get hurt just like yours.' But since I am "Dr. Laura," and because I have the experience of over six decades on the planet, I have learned to choose what will annoy me.' When you have friends and acquaintances, you have to' 1) cut everyone some "stupidity slack" once in a while (as you would have them forgive you);' 2) look at the totality of that person and realize that, percentage-wise, they're "fine," and 3) decide whether or not their action was intentionally meant to do you harm or was just a quirk of their personality.When someone is downright evil, please avoid them.When someone is simply a bit thoughtless of others, then put them in their place...in your mind, that is.' Know that they have this "quirky-ness" and in the future, don't have expectations for them that are out-of-proportion.You can still be friendly, and even be friends, once you accept their limitations.So, if you don't have a "goat" to get , they can't get your goat! More >>

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I notice that there are way too many people who want to believe that "not wanting to know something is true" will magically make it " not true."' If it worked, I'd bottle and sell it.I'd like a dollar for each caller to my radio program who complains about some extraordinary behavior or circumstance that is making them miserable in their relationship, whether they're dating, already married, or married and three kids later!' I ask the dreaded question: "Did you see/know about this before you...?" At first, frankly, most people lie and say "No." Sensing they're being defensive, I push.' Finally, they admit it by modulating it: "Well, it wasn't that bad." Meaning, of course, that they knew it and didn't want to know it.Why does this happen?1. We don't want our dreams and desires squished.2. We are so far along with our feelings and actions (sex, engagement, long dating) that we simply don't want to lose what we have, or we don't want to lose face.So, the next step is "magical thinking:" "Well, LOVE should fix this," or "It's really not that bad," or we simply just try to ignore it.' When parents or friends bring it to our attention, we find ways to extinguish reality by claiming that they are just exaggerating or wanting to hurt you or take away your happiness or are too bossy or too critical.Every now and then I get a caller, as I did recently, who was only dating a few weeks and was seeing what some would call a "red flag."' She wanted to check it with me to see if she was being unnecessarily cautious or critical.' After listening to her, I complimented her on listening to that small voice inside which was telling her "NO...not this one!" So what I wish for all of you this new year is to listen to that small voice of good sense, and put aside emotion and magical thinking.' The road to hell is not built with good sense.Keep that in mind. More >>

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I thought I'd continue with the theme of new beginnings during the first week of the new year by telling you a "biggie" for me - something I had to learn at a deeper level than just on an intellectual level.' I took up the game of pool about a year ago.' And like everything I do, I jumped into it "full bore" and with ferocity unmatched by any other living creature.' I practiced hours every day in this mad-like rush to conquer this goal as soon as I possibly could.In general, my enthusiasm and full commitment pay off in learning and conquering new goals, but there are some that actually require a dispassionate approach.' That was tough for me.' I got thoroughly emotional whenever I missed even one shot!' I quit several times out of utter frustration.'Fortunately, I have a great coach/teacher who keeps trying to get me to be quite robotic.' He has me do what amounts to a ritual routine with each shot:' look at the shot and imagine it happening as I put chalk on the cue tip.' Then, put the chalk down and I pretend I'm doing the shot once or twice in the air, then get way down on the table and do practice motions up to the cue ball and then fire.Once I am down, no more thinking, moving, judging...just faith that my mind and body have this covered.'This took the better part of a year to learn.' But it works.The too easy frustration with myself comes from a most critical father's constant berating of me, and taking up pool has helped a tremendous amount with getting rid of that knee-jerk response.'I was setting up my weaving loom the other day, and everything was going wrong.' The set-up looked seriously trashy.' But instead of getting down on myself (like I would have done before), I just smiled, leaned over, cut it all off the loom and threw it away.' I walked away feeling quite accomplished!' Why?' I just accepted that sometimes it doesn't work - thrown away yarn is not the end of the world - and having the calm to make that decision to come back and loom another day is a big victory!I hope this story helps you. More >>

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I was asked the other day what New Year's resolutions I'm making.' I couldn't come up with any, not because I'm in denial about having to change anything about my life, but because it's just that I live each week, much less each day, already making those changes that I choose.'I like the idea of frequent "small course changes," rather than abrupt, major alterations in one's life.' I find that the latter kinds of changes are harder to keep, since they are such a divergence from normal reality and routine.So, I'm not trying to talk you out of losing that 100 pounds, or finishing the roof on your house all by yourself.' I just believe that it's unrealistic to put yourself in front of a 100-foot-tall pile of whatever with a spoon and told to "go at it."If it's weight that you want to lose, forget about that, and just decide not to have salad dressing loaded with fat calories, and just decide to walk 1 mile with music in your ear - iPod-style.' When that gets too familiar (or starts to feel "old"), then decide that you have to eat smaller portions and ride your bike for 1 mile each day (but I recommend doing that without the iPod, in order for you to hear traffic).'Get it? Small things are easier to stay with, because you get instant gratification, which we all love.The weight?' Don't get on the scale more than twice a month.' Just revel in those small changes.' The weight will take care of itself.' And then, you can go shopping for new clothes (yay)! More >>

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