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Now Aren't You The Prettiest Little Thing?: Helping Your Children Find Beauty from the Inside Out By Erik Fisher, Ph.D., aka Dr. E... www.ErikFisher.com I picked up my 2 and a half year-old daughter from our caregiver's home and to my shock her caregiver said, "Show Daddy your pretty nails." My daughter then showed me her painted nails. They had a nail painting party that day. My wife and I had not painted our daughter's nails before, nor did we plan to for some time. As a psychologist and a father, I take a deeper look at the parenting experience and all of the potential issues that influence our children. Some parents may read this example and think, "What's the big deal?", while others may share my concerns. I ask this: "What is the first thing that people say when they see a little girl who is showing them her nails?" Often the response is, "Don't you look pretty with your nails." I want my child (and every child) to feel absolutely beautiful, but from the inside out, not the outside in. I also want her to believe in who she is, not what she wears or what she does to her body. The messages that our children are given about beauty begin very early in life. They range from the very subtle, "Don't you look pretty in that dress", to the very obvious, "You shouldn't eat so much, or you will get fat." Societal pressure is one culprit, and it has only grown more intense since I started my research into body image more than 20 years ago. We compare clothes, jobs, schools, homes, cars. We surrender our power, and ultimately the power of our children to everyone else to tell us if we are pretty, smart, talented, successful, strong... It feels good when someone compliments us, however, how many of us thirst for those compliments? How many of our children do? We don't start out as parents wanting to cause pain and heartache to our children, however, somewhere along the way, our children are absorbing very subtle and obvious messages about themselves, some from us and others from society. What are we going to do, and when are we going to look at ourselves? Here are some things that you can do to help your child feel empowered from the inside out: Let your children know that beauty starts from within. The more you let them know that beauty is who they are, not what they are, the more it will sink in. If they wear pretty clothes or wear nail polish, tell them that the dress or the nail polish looks pretty, while letting them know that they are always beautiful. Teach your children to believe in themselves. If your child feels that others have done or said things to hurt them, let them know that they have the power to let it bother them, or look at why the other person may have behaved as they did. We teach our daughter to look at why she may have done things that may hurt others and why others may have done things to hurt her. Be aware of how you dress and how much you talk about your body, the clothes you wear, how much you or others make and the things you have. Do you focus on fashion and your appearance? Parents, sometimes without realizing it, talk about their weight, food intake and appearance. They talk about the new car or house their neighbor has. Kids listen to everything, even when you think they aren't. If people are communicating messages to your children that you do not want them to be exposed to, tactfully say something to them. Try not to confront them in front of others. Find some time to talk with them on the side and let them know what happened and what you would like to have happened. In terms of our sitter, for example, the next time I saw her, I let her know that my wife and I did not want our daughter's finger nails painted, because we felt that it sent a message about outward beauty. I explained that I wanted my daughter to feel pretty from the inside first. She was very receptive to this feedback, and we have not had an issue since. Be aware of the movies and television shows your kids watch, as well as the toys that they have, because some have messages that foster unhealthy comparisons, and focus on looks and materialism. For example, I am not a fan of older Disney movies such as Cinderella and Snow White because they send the message for women to wait for a man to come rescue them. On the other hand, Disney movies in the last ten years, like Mulan , send a more empowered message for girls and women. Talk to your children about some of these issues in our society. Also, watch them around others. Listen to what they are talking about. You may be surprised at what you hear and see. Ask them how they feel about themselves. Ask them what they think makes someone pretty or handsome. Ask them if they worry about what others think of them. We can't prevent our children from life, but we can prepare them for it. Parents often don't realize the power of their actions and are not trained and/or have become immune to looking at where our children absorb their messages. As you understand where you may have learned some of the messages you absorbed, you can then begin to change what your child may be learning. Let's make sure our kids start healthy and stay healthy. About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E..., is a licensed psychologist and author who has been featured on NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com to learn more about his books "The Art of Empowered Parenting" and "The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict or to check out his blog. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

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Back to School Readiness By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman The first sign that summer is coming to an end has been spotted. You can't miss it. It's the sale of every school supply imaginable. Book bags, pens, pencils, glue sticks, spiral note pads, compasses, calculators, three-ring binders, gym shoes, and clothes have already been observed for sale in a variety of stores. Soon to follow will be back to school sales in magazines, newspapers, television ads, and store flyers. Many parents have begun the process of thinking about what their children will need to go back to school in style. Their thoughts have been initiated by the plethora of materials in plain sight in many stores. But what do children really need in order to be ready for school? Perhaps getting children school ready involves more than purchasing stuff . Maybe something more than mere school supplies is what is needed to give children a great beginning to the school year. Maybe the best get-ready-for-school items are not found at the mall or your local department store. Maybe they aren't even items. School readiness can not be purchased in a store. It can only be created by conscious parents who set out to create that readiness with purpose and intentionality. School readiness is a process and a state of mind, not a series of products. Consider the following. Start the normal school schedule early. Break the summer sleep-in/stay-up late mode. Begin the morning and evening school routine at least two weeks before school actually starts. Don't expect that your child will be able to make the adjustment to getting up for school quickly or easily without a break-in period. Take the full two weeks to work into the routine slowly by adjusting the bedtime and wakeup time a few minutes every day until the desired time is reached. Your goal is to have the schedule set prior to the first day of school. Create a positive attitude about going back to school. Talk to your children about being able to see their friends, meet their new teacher and all the opportunities that being at school provides. Focus on your child's area of interest and emphasize all the ways in which school helps to enhance that topic. When your child speaks negatively, redirect him into the positive. Visit the school. Reacquaint your child with the school. During the summer classrooms change, teachers transfer to new buildings, principals are reassigned, and new playground equipment gets installed. Don't wait for orientation day to get reacquainted. Go to the school now and play on the play ground, meet the new principal or office personnel, and talk to the janitor. Set goals for the upcoming school year. Help your children create realistic expectations for themselves about school. Talk about what they want to accomplish this school year, not what you want them to accomplish. Remember not all of school is about grades. Making new friends, speaking out in class, standing up for oneself, staying organized, and managing behavior are all crucial skills for a successful school year. Model learning. Create a time in your home when everyone is involved in learning related activities such as reading, playing with numbers, telling family stories, journaling, or quiet reflection. Turn off the television and video games and have a set time for the whole family to feed their brain. In fact, model learning year round, even through the summer months. This will set the stage for homework. A study time can be a logical extension of the learning time you have in your home. Give your children every opportunity to be ready for school this year. Head to the mall or department store with your list of needed items and remember to add to your list the suggestions above. By doing so you give your kids what they really need to be prepared for this school year---structure, energy, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are authors and leading parenting authorities. Visit their blog at www.uncommon-parenting.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Child Identity Theft: AGrowing Concern By John Sileo sileo.com Are you as protective of your kids as I am of mine? My wife and two highly-spirited daughters are more than just the centerof my universe - they are the compass by which I set my course in everyaspect of life. If something is not good for the family, then it isn#146;tgood for me. And that means that I want to do everything in my power tokeep them safe. You and I are called on to protect our children from many things,starting in the womb. Even before they are born, we practice goodpreventative care. We take specially designed pre-natal exerciseclasses, coax ourselves to eat right for their benefit, learn CPR andLove and Logic and screen regularly for signs of trouble. Once they areborn, we provide the best nourishment, the finest medical care, ampleplaytime, rest and an infinite flow of unconditional love. You get thepoint#133; we do everything in our power to prevent complications and togive them the best chance to grow up healthy, happy and in harmony withthe world around them. That is our responsibility, our purpose and ourjoy.nbsp;nbsp; But how often do you check their credit report? Their WHAT?! I can feel the surprise in your blank stare. I can hearyour questions: "Check my kid's#133;credit report? But she is only seven! She doesn't even have her frontteeth yet, let alone a credit card! There are so many years to gobefore we need to worry about that. Right?" Unfortunately, no. Because children have untouched and unblemishedcredit records, they are highly attractive targets. Thieves steal achild's identity early on, nurture it until they have a solid creditscore, and then abuse and discard it.nbsp; How Does it Happen? All an identity thief needs to ruin your child's bright financialfuture is her name and Social Security Number.nbsp; "Shouldn't mychild's age show up on any credit background check, shouldn't themerchant recognize that the person in front of them buying a car oncredit isn't seven years old?" you ask. Yes, it should, but the peoplescreening the credit report rarely give it the time and care necessaryto detect fraud.nbsp; All too often, background checks involve simply matching the name andthe Social Security Number provided. This leaves doors wide open forscandalous minds to wreak havoc on your child's perfect credit. Themost unsettling part is that the ageof the applicant (in this case, the person posing as your child)becomes official with the credit bureaus upon the first creditapplication. This makes clearing a sabotaged credit record evenmore difficult because you have to prove to the credit bureau that yourchild is only seven and isn't responsible for thousands of dollars ofdebt. In no time at all, your child could have a maxed out credit card,unpaid bills and a huge mortgage for beachfront property across thecountry. You might not discover the illegal purchases until your childopens a bank account, applies for a job, tries to get a driver'slicense or enters college. At that point, you are left with thetime-consuming dilemma of cleaning up someone else's fraudulent mess.If only clearing up a credit report was as easy as cleaning up afteryour kids. Do the gaping holes in our current credit system and the audacity ofcriminals leave you enraged? Me too. And it is imperative that you useyour anger as fuel to protect and prepare your children's future beforeit is too late. Child Identity theft is the fastest growing sector of the identitytheft "industry," and the numbers are staggering. Although it'sdifficult to estimate exactly how many children lose their identitiessince the crime can go undetected for years, the FTC states that 5% ofidentity theft cases target children, which translates into 500,000kidnapped child identities per year, and growing. The Identity TheftResource Center discovered that in 54% of the cases, the child wasunder the age of six. Who Does This? The identity thief is not always a stranger. In many cases, it's arelative with bad credit who takes advantage of a child's pristinecredit. Conveniently, these family members generally have access to theinformation necessary to maximize the fraud with little attention. This seems absurd, but imagine a parent who is strapped for cash, has abad credit score and needs to buy groceries. In this case, short-termthinking blinds the relative or friend to long-term consequences.nbsp;In other instances, the child's future is not taken into considerationat all. Frankly, it doesn't take much to get the crime underway; all a criminalneeds is the child's name and Social Security Number. These pieces ofpersonal information are exposed in a variety of ways: When registering fordaycare, schools and recreational sports On medical, dental andhospital records When joining organizationslike the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, etc. When the above informationis permanently stored and accessed by volunteers or employees When one of the aboveorganizations is breached by a hacker or malicious software When an adult befriends yourchild on a social networking site (MySpace, Facebook) and eventuallysocially engineers private information out of them TheThree Basic Types of Child Identity Theft Child Identity theft generally falls into these 3 categories: 1.Financial identity theft occurswhen the name and Social Security Number is used to establish new linesof credit. 2.Criminalidentity theft happens when the criminal uses the child'sidentity to obtain a driver's license or substitutes the child'sidentity if caught in a criminal act. 3.Identitycloning entails using a child's identity (via informationcollection or a black market #145;purchase' of personal information) forfinancial, criminal and governmental purposes. The most common form ofcloned identity theft is committed on behalf of undocumented workerslooking for an identity that will keep them working in this country. For parents, cleaning up the disaster of identity theft for theirchildren is costly and incredibly time consuming. Getting a new SocialSecurity Number is almost impossible, and rarely the best option. Taking steps right now to protectyour child from this horrible crime is one of the greatest investmentsyou will ever make in their financial and emotional future. Protecting Your Children Acting now on behalf of your child will protect them from consequencescommon to child victims: Starting adulthood with acredit rating low enough to scare away the hungriest of loan sharks Being denied a first loan,credit card or apartment rental because of a crime committed 10-15years earlier (the passage of time makes this crime very hard to clearup) Being denied access tocollege or a new job Having a warrant out for herarrest for crimes that she didn't commit In the same way that you can'tprotect your children from every bruise and scrape, you can't entirelyremove the risk of identity theft. You can, however, prevent or softenthe fall if it does happen.nbsp; Take these steps first: Stop giving out your child's personalinformation. Until you are confident that it is absolutelynecessary to receive the services desired, withhold their personalinformation. More than 80% of organizations that ask for your child'sSocial Security Number don't actually need it to establish services. Ifyou must give it, ask them how they will use it, how long they willkeep it and how it will be protected while they have it. Vigilance ishighly effective. Never carry your child's SSN with you. Order a free credit report for your childat least once a year. All three major credit reporting bureaus(Equifax, Experian and TransUnion) offer one free credit report peryear per individual. Order one for your child at the same time youorder yours and review them both for any red flags indicatingfraudulent activity. I recommend that you order the first one (Equifax)right now; order a second report (Experian) in 4 more months; order thethird report (TransUnion) four months after that and then repeat theprocess the following year. For a more convenient option, use anidentity monitoring services for you and your family. If you find evidence of fraudulentactivity, contact the police, the source of the fraud and all threecredit bureaus. Filing a police report helps to establish yourchild's innocence in an official way. Have the credit bureaus FREEZEyour child's credit for maximum protection. Keep detailed records ofall correspondence between yourself, the police, the merchant and thecredit bureaus. It will come in handy should you ever find yourself incourt, as I did. Educate your children on the importance ofprotecting their personal information. Teach them about thevalue of their personal information: their name, address, phonenumbers, email address, Social Security Number and any passwords andPIN numbers. Reinforce that they own their private information and thatit should not be shared with friends, over the internet or with anyonewhom they don't know or trust. Education is absolutely the bestfinancial gift you will ever give to them. Because you love and protect yourchildren as much as I do, you should start this process immediately. Inthe case of child identity theft, an ounce of prevention is worth alifetime of financial security. Don't let the center of your universebecome just another statistic. About the author: After losinghis business to data breach and his reputation to identity theft, JohnSileo became America#146;s leading identity theft and data breach speaker.His recent clients include the Department of Defense, the FDIC, BlueCross Blue Shield and Pfizer. To learn more about John, visit sileo.com . Permission granted for use onDrLaura.com. More >>

Teaching Your ChildrenValues Through Volunteerism Erik A. Fisher, Ph.D., aka Dr. E#133; www.ErikFisher.com In today's society, so many of us feel that children are growing upwith unhealthy values and unproductive attitudes. Children and teensare sometimes viewed as self-centered, seldom thinking about others intheir family or community. While there are many factors that contributeto their behaviors and beliefs, there may be ways to guide and affecttheir belief systems and develop a closer relationship in the process. Often children develop a self-centered view toward the world eitherthrough observation and/or lack of exposure to helping to others. Asparents and caretakers of children, have we ever really looked atourselves of being a source of unproductive, self-centered modeling. Inthe formative years of our children's lives, we are the most importantmodel to them, and whether we realize it or not they see and hearalmost everything we do. Work, Work, Work As we feel we have to scramble to make ends meet we may feel that timeto do anything else is compromised that much more. Between the responsibilities at work and home, many parents feel thattime for themselves is almost non-existent. We may not want to look soclosely at ourselves, but have we asked ourselves how our children seeus spending our time when we are at home? They may see us at homeresting, watching television, cleaning, cooking, helping them withhomework, shopping, playing sports#133;We may believe that we sacrifice andvolunteer much of our time for our children by driving them to games,friends houses, movies; working our fingers to the bone to make surethat they have food, clothes, and a roof over their head#133; But we stillneed to recognize that all of these efforts also serve our own purposeat some level, and frankly our children often expect this of us. Ourchildren do not realize that we are volunteering our time to them manytimes. When was the last time that we volunteered our time to people in need?Even more, when was the last time we, as a family, volunteered our timeto people in need? For many of us the answer to the first question maybe "a long time", and the answer to the second question may be "never".On the other hand, sometimes we feel that we ARE the people in need,and in some ways we may be; however, if all that we expect is to begiven to when we are in need, what are our children learning. They saythat if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, but if you teachhim how to fish, he will eat for a lifetime. Giving back to others isteaching the man to fish. It creates a cycle of giving and receiving,and frankly, what got us into the mess we are in now was more takingthan giving and excessive entitlement that seemed to be taught from thetop down. United We Stand The family unit has the ability to be a very strong cohesive team, butthe members of the family have to learn to work as a team first.Volunteering, as a family, can teach many positive lessons. When wecontribute our time and effort, it helps us to feel better aboutourselves, teaches a stronger work ethic, contributes to learning aboutthe world around us, results in us meeting different people and formingdifferent relationships, and provides confidence-building experiencesin a variety of different job tasks. If, as a parent, you feel that you work hard enough at what you do,then you have to be very careful of the message you are sending yourchild. If you spent only three hours on a Saturday morning once a monthwith your kids cleaning up a shelter or planting flowers, or commitpart of your day around Thanksgiving or Christmas to feed people at ashelter or church, it still sends a positive message that your childrenwill value the rest of their lives. Sometimes we allow ourselves to find different barriers, obstacles, orexcuses that prevent us from feeling the richness of giving our timefreely to others. It doesn't matter how much or how little money yourfamily makes, the time of day that you can volunteer, where you live,if you can walk or talk#133; there are always ways to find time tovolunteer. If you find yourself finding reasons to not volunteer yourtime, then pay attention to the messages your children might bereceiving. Parents are often looking for ways to spend quality time with theirchildren. Giving our time freely to others, as a family can be one ofthe richest forms of quality time. Even more, volunteering is free. Ifyou are looking for ways to volunteer your time, contact some of thesesources: Animal Shelters, Churches, Homeless and Battered Women'sShelters,nbsp; After School programs, Meals on Wheels, Nursing Homes,Hospitals#133; In terms of thinking of what to do to volunteer, talk toyour children and ask them what they would like to do. They may havegreat ideas on unique ways to volunteer time. When you listen to yourchildren and include them on decisions, they feel more valued. Alwaysremember that our children are a gift to us and the time we spend withthem is priceless. About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E#133;, is a licensedpsychologist andnbsp;author of two books whose work has been featuredon CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com . Permission granted for use onDrLaura.com. More >>

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Giving Up the Fantasy of the Perfect Mate What REAL Marriages Are All About By Sharon M. Rivkin, MA, MFT We all seem to think that we need to find our perfect mate or soul mate. But does a perfect mate even exist and, if so, does this mean that the only way to be happy is to find this perfect soul mate? What if you don't? What if you spend your entire life looking, only to end up alone in your fantasy delusion because you didn't find him/her? Are we really searching for fantasy in our relationships? To some degree, I think most of us have bought into the fairytale myth that we will find Prince or Princess Charming and AUTOMATICALLY live happily ever after. This belief in fantasy, soul mates, and the perfect partner , are all contributors to being unhappy and dissatisfied in our marriages. We want the fantasy mate and most relationships begin with perfect bliss with the perfect partner. But when this fantasy starts to fade into reality after the first 6 months of a relationship, we're disappointed, try desperately to keep the fantasy alive by sweeping disagreements under the rug, or start looking elsewhere for that perfect mate. But the perfect mate really doesn't exist...except in our fantasies. Our fantasies are always more compelling than our reality that can become boring, repetitive, filled with logistics, bills, jobs and dirty dishes. Fantasy is filled with feelings of being on top of the world, of things coming to us easily, of soaring, and feeling our hearts are full of love 24/7. Who wouldn't choose fantasy over reality and hold onto it as long as we can? So, how do we get over this desire for fantasy, the desire to feel that in love feeling ALL the time? How do we make a REAL marriage work and simultaneously keep the love alive when reality of the everyday chores, struggles, and inconsistencies of our partner sets in? Here are 7 truths to remember about REAL marriages when the fantasy turns into reality: Real marriages are based on a solid foundation of mutual love, respect, and an understanding of differences in your partner. It is based on two people being balanced in their individual strength and their ability to share and connect with their partner. Real marriages are able to handle the hard aspects of life through open communication and realistic expectations. Real marriages are based on two WHOLE people enhancing each other, rather than two people EXPECTING their partner to complete them: filling in their weak spots, rescuing them, or taking care of them at their own expense. Real marriages are two people who know they are human and, therefore, know that everyone makes mistakes and likewise exhibits tolerance for this humanness. Real marriages are based on the deep knowledge that it's a give and take from both partners. They know themselves and take responsibility for their actions, rather than projecting onto their partner who they feel their partner should be. Real marriages are about companionship, appreciating your partner's differences and uniqueness, and knowing that love is deeper than only sexual desire and feeling madly in love all the time. Real marriages are about knowing and loving yourself so that you don't need a fantasy partner or a perfect mate to complete your life. You instead need a partner who enhances your life and adds to it. Lasting, REAL marriages are based on a solid foundation of honesty, respect, and love... love, not in the fantasy sense that the Prince or Princess saves me, but love based on a deep knowledge of yourself and your partner. "In love the paradox occurs that two become one and yet remain two." When we follow the above 7 truths about a REAL marriage, we can enjoy the reality of our deepening union more than any fantasy we could imagine! Sharon M. Rivkin, author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict , is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and conflict resolution and affairs expert. Sharon is also the developer of the "First Argument Technique," a groundbreaking, three-step method that heals and saves relationships. She has been in private practice for 28 years in Santa Rosa, California, and her work has been featured in several national magazines and websites including O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest, Yahoo.com, and Dr.Laura.com . Sharon is an experienced public speaker, has appeared on television, and makes regular radio appearances across the U.S. For more information, visit www.sharonrivkin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Don't Say "Don't" By Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE When I was eight years old, my parents took a parenting class and went on to teach parenting classes for over twenty years. I was old enough to remember what my parents were like before and after that class. One might think I had a perfect family, but my older brother experienced a traumatic childhood event that left him with severe emotional, mental, and behavioral difficulties. My parents' use of the parenting skills, in addition to the professional assistance they received, resulted in a truly miraculous recovery. I was so impressed with my parents' skills that I took my first parenting class from my mother at age seventeen, long before I had any children. I have been teaching parenting classes ever since in my profession as a licensed social worker. For more than fifteen years I have taught hundreds of parents, from all walks of life, who have told countless stories about how these skills have changed their lives. I have also done extensive research to pool together the best techniques available to parents (and weed out the abundance of bad advice) so parents can learn to be the most effective parents possible with less confusion and more confidence. Each month, I will share some of these tools as well as solutions to common problems. In all the years I have taught parenting classes, one skill has stood out as a four-star skill for gaining cooperation from children and preventing problems like power struggles and tantrums. I call it "Don't say Don't". Have you ever told your child "Don't go in the street!" and they walk out in the street? or "Don't fall!" and two seconds later they skin their knees? Why is it that children seem to do what we tell them not to do? If you look at it from their perspective, it becomes clear: When I say "Don't spill the milk", what image do you picture in your mind? Most people picture the milk spilling. Children are no different! An adult can take that image, figure out how the milk might spill, the options available to prevent this and choose the best alternative -- all in a split second! The younger a child is, the more difficult it is for a child to turn a "don't" around. Children will usually enact the picture created in their minds. So, instead of telling your child what not to do, tell them what to do. Create the picture in their minds. Say, "Keep the milk in the glass!"; "Stay on the sidewalk (or grass)."; "Watch where your feet are!" While this sounds simple, it can be far from easy to change our habit of saying "Don't". We are so used to noticing what children do wrong, we have a hard time picturing what we want them to do right. Put your creativity and imagination to work and practice this skill often. Remember . . . "Don't say Don't!" Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator and president of Parent's Toolshopreg; Consulting. She is the author of 100+ resources for parents and family service professionals, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop , at www.ParentsToolshop.com . Since 1980, Jody has trained parents and professionals through her dynamic presentations and served as internationally recognized parenting expert to the media worldwide. Get practical parenting resources, including more information about this topic at: www.parentstoolshop.com/tele/telearchive.htm Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>