By Erik Fisher, PhD, AKA Dr. E...
www.DrEPresents.com
I had intended my last post to be a one part blog on children and grief, but my daughter amazed me with how she worked through her grief, and I felt compelled to share her innate wisdom. As I said, in my last post, kids express grief in different ways and may not show at all in ways we would expect. So here is how she seemed to work through her grief of the loss of my Dad at the age of five.
My wife and daughter and I were doing our Saturday morning thing and taking it easy. She was playing with her dolls and pushing a shopping cart around, and then out of the blue she said, "Hey Daddy, I am going to get on a plane and visit Big Daddy in the hospital in Arizona."
I said, Grace, he is not there anymore. That is where I went to see him before he died."
Then she said, "No, Daddy, I am going to play like I am going to visit him in the hospital. Come here. Come here, and lay on the couch. You can be him in the hospital."
I said, "Okay." My wife and I looked at each other, and I went with it. So I lay on the couch with my eyes closed, and I said, "Grace, this is how Big Daddy looked when I got to the hospital. His eyes were closed, and it looked like he was resting. When I came in, he moved his head, so I knew he knew I was there."
She came up and gave "Big Daddy" some of her pets and said, "I am sorry that you are going to die, Big Daddy. I wish I could help you, but I can't. I love you Big Daddy. Here are some of my pets to take care of you."
After she said this, I said "I know you want to help me Grace, and I know you love me. I will always be around you, no matter where you are, and I will love you even when I am not here. I feel so happy I got to know you, and I will look forward to seeing who you become, as I watch over you. I will always feel proud to be your Big Daddy."
So we played these roles for a little bit more. She gave me, in the role of "Big Daddy", a hug, and I gave her one back, and she wanted Big Daddy to have her pets after he died so he would not be alone. My wife and I said will be with his Mommy and Daddy, my brother, and pets we had that died before him. He would not be alone at all. About five minutes later, she was on to the next thing, and we moved on. I let her decide when we were done. This was not for me or about me, but was an honor to be a part of this healing moment.
Since that exchange and "play" we did, she has seemed more at peace with the situation. There are still some issues at school, but some of these issues are the virtue of Grace being Grace. I still check in with her, and I know she is going to be okay. What I feel happened was that she was not ready to talk about it in "adult terms", and needed time to work it through her way.
It would have been very easy, from our part as parents, to get caught in our discomfort and grief and shut her down, but we didn't. I saw her incredible wisdom, she needed a moment to say goodbye in her way. I also saw her desire to wish she could have helped him in some way, and I was in the position to set her free from this and continue their relationship in an unspoken way. He will always be around her. Not to judge her, but to support her and love her unconditionally. I know that is how he would have wanted it, and maybe in that time, I channeled my Big Daddy and what he wanted to say to her if he could have.
About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E..., is a licensed psychologist and author who has been featured on NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at
www.DrEPresents.com to learn more about his books
"The Art of Empowered Parenting" and
"The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict" or to check out his blog. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
