Here's another offering for the "Stop Being a Victim" book I hope you'll write:
One reason we keep on being victims is because, coming out of a brutal childhood, we fear ANGER. We lived in households full of rage and were daily targets of it. We end up feeling that anger destroys; it can wreck the world. Because it DID. I grew up determined I never wanted to hurt anyone else, the way my mother's alcoholic rages had affected me. And I thought that meant never expressing anger.
As adults, then, we not only fear others' anger (often becoming placators) we fear our OWN anger. Having been abused as children, we are often FILLED with an anger we can't acknowledge, even to ourselves. We feel a rage that seems profound enough to destroy whole new worlds. One crack in that dam and it might all come crashing out! So, reaching that level of feeling in adult relationships, we sometimes FLEE rather than access feelings we do not perceive as "safe" for anyone.
I eventually learned (through mental rehearsal and tentative experimentation in the world) to access and handle my own anger in productive ways. In my everyday interactions, a fair and righteous anger DOESN'T destroy the world. It is NOT the same as my mother's toxic outbursts.
And here's what I learned: Anger is an ENERGY. Handled properly, it is so much more productive than depression. But if you spend a lifetime internalizing it, it spreads all over your insides like napalm, and BECOMES depression.