(originally published April 29, 2009)
Aw, come on. How stupid do some of the people think the rest of us are? Answer: VERY stupid. Well, are we, really? Some might be truly without judgment, and some like to take advantage of a situation and sue, so it all comes down to the same thing: we're stuck with product labels that insult us, but are ultimately, darn funny.
According to a Fox News Report, these are some of the most bizarre warnings about potential hazards on consumer products:
- Did you know that you're not supposed to use those itty bitty birthday candles as earplugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity? It's written so on the box. Now, the only humans I can think of who would make that kind of effort can't read, much less understand the word "insertion," because they're still in diapers! Nonetheless...
- Don't dry your phone in a microwave oven...with or without cheese.
- Don't use your hair dryer while sleeping (believe it or not, some women have actually done this and started fires in their beds)
- Never use a lit match or any other open flame to check the fuel level in any sort of watercraft. Sheesh!
- Don't swallow the cap of a fountain pen. Huh? Is that before or after warming it in the microwave?
- A fishing hook contains a trace amount of lead, so California law demands that if you have any amount of lead in a product, you have to have a warning on it that says "harmful if swallowed." So, if the hook were all platinum, it would be okay to swallow it?
- ExtenZe is an advertised male enhancement pill which is supposed to make the penis larger. It actually has the warning: Do not use while pregnant or nursing (in CAPITAL LETTERS, no less!).
- On the flip side, the box of Midol (for PMS) says "do not use if you have an enlarged prostate." Chances are, if you have PMS, you don't have a prostate to worry about in the first place.
Aside from being a great source of humor, these warnings are included mainly because a certain, large group of lawyers routinely sue companies when someone misuses a product. The personal injury lawyers who bring these lawsuits will always say in lawsuits that the company "failed to warn." Now, come on, people - some of this is just plain common sense.
Just because some drunk college kid put himself in the washing machine for a ride, got hurt, and sued, all washing machines now have to say something along the lines of "do not put any person in this washer."
And last, but not least, is the warning on "vanishing fabric markers:" Should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.
When we are kids, we see other kids using lies and manipulation to get away with their own wrongdoing. Children need to be taught to take responsibility as the means of building character which, ultimately, will result in respect and trust from others. Unfortunately, the fortunes of those who are getting away with not taking responsibility as adults (with a certain breed of injury lawyers right behind them) are eating away at our collective conscience and character.
I would just once like to hear a person who goofed up when using some product say, "Oh, it's my own fault...I wasn't thinking," instead of "Ohhh, I wonder how much money I can make from putting a hot coffee cup between my legs, near my crotch, while I'm in a moving car."