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Letters From Listeners
Lived in the Crevices of My Mind Where No One Could Hurt Me
Lived in the Crevices of My Mind Where No One Could Hurt Me

Dear Dr. Laura,

I am my kids' mom, I am my husband's wife, and I WAS abused as a child. My sperm donor and my Mother divorced when I was only months old. I didn't know my sperm donor, he wasn't interested, and he chose a different family. I was neglected by my Mother who worked several jobs to support us. I was abused sexually and physically abused by my Mother's shacked up lover.

I remember being such a little kid, and staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself he couldn't hurt me, my body wasn't me. I had a little sister and she loved her Daddy and he didn't hurt her, so how could I take him away from her, when I knew my Daddy never wanted me. I felt strong and in control when I wandered into the crevices of my mind where no one could hurt me. I was such a lost child… sentenced to a childhood of torture, abuse, abandonment and neglect, conditioned by a man who used violence and threats to make me submit. I didn't know how to speak up or tell. I was scared of the reactions. I was conditioned to be his toy.

I still find it hard to forgive myself, to not feel responsibility. My survival depended on me protecting myself and I only retreated to my mind, my only safe haven. So many Whys?? So many excuses on why I remained silent. Why didn't I protect myself? I tolerated abuse for about 12 years, before I finally talked, and that was a tough road, almost harder.

And despite it all, I now look in the mirror and see what I have become. I am my kids' mom, I am my husband's wife, I am a person who I should be proud of. I am proud of my marriage to a decent man, a real man, and I am proud of the mother I have become. I have two beautiful daughters, who often times remind me of my past and how I want so bad to protect them and not let them out of my sight.

I struggle sometimes, and I hate that the abuse still seeps from my memory. I hate that the abuse even stunts my children's growth, I find it hard not be scared. I want my girls to be safe, I NEED to protect them, I couldn't live through that again.

I was introduced to you, Dr. Laura, after my abuse. I think you have helped me tremendously and probably saved my life.

Thank You. Thank you for letting me share and for assisting me in having a life.

My kids' mom, my husband's wife


Tags: Abuse, Child Abuse, Response to a Call, Social Issues, Values
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