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Letters From Listeners
Lived in the Crevices of My Mind Where No One Could Hurt Me
Lived in the Crevices of My Mind Where No One Could Hurt Me
11/11/2011

Dear Dr. Laura,

I am my kids' mom, I am my husband's wife, and I WAS abused as a child. My sperm donor and my Mother divorced when I was only months old. I didn't know my sperm donor, he wasn't interested, and he chose a different family. I was neglected by my Mother who worked several jobs to support us. I was abused sexually and physically abused by my Mother's shacked up lover.

I remember being such a little kid, and staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself he couldn't hurt me, my body wasn't me. I had a little sister and she loved her Daddy and he didn't hurt her, so how could I take him away from her, when I knew my Daddy never wanted me. I felt strong and in control when I wandered into the crevices of my mind where no one could hurt me. I was such a lost child… sentenced to a childhood of torture, abuse, abandonment and neglect, conditioned by a man who used violence and threats to make me submit. I didn't know how to speak up or tell. I was scared of the reactions. I was conditioned to be his toy.

I still find it hard to forgive myself, to not feel responsibility. My survival depended on me protecting myself and I only retreated to my mind, my only safe haven. So many Whys?? So many excuses on why I remained silent. Why didn't I protect myself? I tolerated abuse for about 12 years, before I finally talked, and that was a tough road, almost harder.

And despite it all, I now look in the mirror and see what I have become. I am my kids' mom, I am my husband's wife, I am a person who I should be proud of. I am proud of my marriage to a decent man, a real man, and I am proud of the mother I have become. I have two beautiful daughters, who often times remind me of my past and how I want so bad to protect them and not let them out of my sight.

I struggle sometimes, and I hate that the abuse still seeps from my memory. I hate that the abuse even stunts my children's growth, I find it hard not be scared. I want my girls to be safe, I NEED to protect them, I couldn't live through that again.

I was introduced to you, Dr. Laura, after my abuse. I think you have helped me tremendously and probably saved my life.

Thank You. Thank you for letting me share and for assisting me in having a life.

My kids' mom, my husband's wife

 

Tags: Abuse, Child Abuse, Response to a Call, Social Issues, Values
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