I recently received an email that may sound familiar to many of you parents. The mom wrote this:
โMy 16-year-old daughter can't wait until she's 18 so that she can do WHATEVER she wants. How do I help guide her? She keeps saying once she's an adult, then she can do anything. Eek! Thank you in advance.โ
This is a very common thing for kids to say. They equate adulthood with doing whatever they want and making their own decisions. How do you deal with this as a parent? Itโs your job to teach them the responsibilities that come with gaining power.
Make a List Together
The best way to teach this moral lesson is sitting down with your teen at the table. Have them write down the word โPowerโ on the left side of a piece of paper. On the other side, write the word โResponsibilities.โ They must draw an arrow going from โResponsibilitiesโ to โPower.โ That's the only direction it goes in. Whoever has the responsibility has the power.
Now, have your teen jot down on the โPowerโ list all the benefits they think of. They may write, โCome and go whenever, no curfew, have a boy or a girl sleep over in my bedroom, drink and smoke in the house.โ I highly encourage you to have fun with them. This is your teenโs time to get creative with their ideas and beliefs around maturity. Make sure to complete this side first as it puts them in the mindset for what follows.
Once theyโve come up with everything, itโs time for you as the parent to follow this script:
โAt 18 years-old, you can do all of this only if you take on the responsibilities which give you the power. If I'm paying the mortgage, for the car, gas, medical and taxes on the property, these responsibilities give me the power to make all decisions about my home and myself."
Your teen should now complete the second half of the assignment by listing every adult task and obligation they can think of on the โResponsibilitiesโ list. Let them think of more examples themselves to really see how ready they are.
By following these steps in order, you show your kids the reality of their misguided โ18 years-old' myth. What gives them the authority to do anything on their โPowerโ list under your roof in two yearsโ time? Are they paying all those bills? This is your home, and you make the rules.
Reinforce the Rules Around Power and Responsibility
Those of you with teenagers who pull the โWait till Iโm an adultโ card, you tell them that's absolutely true! They can do anything they want, but the catch is that it has to be at their own place of living while paying all their own bills. Those responsibilities give them the control to do anything they want.
Age has nothing to do with power. Whoever completes the responsibility has the power. That's how you earn it.