Comforting Your Fearful Preschooler By Dr. Caron B. Goode www.acpi.biz Have you ever woken from a dream that was so vivid you had to convince yourself it wasn't real? During those first unsure moments you are unable to separate dream from reality. Eventually, past experience allows you to ground yourself in the here and now. Unfortunately for preschool children, they lack this experience and often suffer at the hands of irrational fears and nightmares. Preschool children do not have the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In their minds if they experience it, it is real. For me, this fact was driven home after my four year-old spent the evening with a neighbor. My friend and next door neighbor, Sharon, invited my daughter to her house for movie night. They ordered pizza, fired up the VCR, and settled in for a little one-on-one time. When I picked my daughter up, she was unusually quiet. I just assumed she was tired from her girls' night in. The rest of the night was uneventful and quiet. Too quiet. Normally, my daughter postponed bedtime with endless requests for stories, drinks of water, and questions. That night, after her story, she turned to the wall and I didn't hear another peep from her. Like I said, too quiet. The following morning she peered at me over her cereal bowl and asked, "Why doesn't my heart glow?" Hmm. I responded with, "But your heart does glow. It glows when you laugh and when you smile." Not completely satisfied with the answer, she went back to contemplating her oatmeal. We rinsed the dishes and dressed for the day. While helping wrestle on her sweatshirt, I noticed my daughter seemed apprehensive. Her head was bowed and she was staring at her bare chest. I was stumped, and asked if there was something wrong. "I can't see my heart glow," she replied. "When the light goes out you die. I don't want to die." Figuring one of the older neighborhood children had told her a tall tale; I assured her that her heart did glow and that she was not going to die. "But it doesn't," she spit back. "I watched it all night, and my heart doesn't glow. Not like E.T.'s, and when his light went out he died. Ask Sharon. She saw it too." Sharon. Movie night. E.T. Now everything was starting to make sense. My daughter did not question what she saw in the movie. She saw it, therefore, it was real. What she did question was what she didn't see, a light beam in her chest. She had stayed up all night searching for it in the dark. When it didn't materialize, she assumed she was dying, like E.T. I cradled my fearful four year-old and explained that it was just a movie and that movies were make believe. The look on her face told me she wasn't buying it, so I quickly changed tactics. "E.T. is an extra terrestrial," I said. "Do you know what that is?" When she shook her head no, tears sprinkled my face. "An extra terrestrial is a person from another planet. You don't look like E.T., do you? No. That is because you and E.T. are made differently. You have long blonde hair and he doesn't. He has crooked fingers and you don't. His heart glows and yours doesn't." Then I held her, massaged her head, told her I saw her heart glow everyday I loved her. It took a while, but eventually my daughter stopped looking for her heart light. Her search and her fear, however, reiterated to me that preschoolers are very literal people. What they encounter, whether it is a dream, a movie or a book, is real to them. Therefore, it is important that parents exercise empathy and approach any fears with a literal awareness. Here are few tips that will help you comfort your fearful preschooler. Monitor Your Child's Exposure. One way to handle fears is to head them off at the pass. When choosing a book, movie or television show for your child, preview it first. Look for fantastical images or ideas that may be frightful for a young child. Try to imagine how you would respond to the material if you could not distinguish fantasy from reality. Adult Reasoning is not Comforting. Preschool children do not have the mental processes necessary to understand adult reasoning. Therefore, to tell them a movie is make believe, a book is just a story or a dream didn't really happen is not comforting. It is what you know to be true, but it is not your child's truth. Instead, concentrate on comforting your child with empathy. Tell them you understand that they are scared and that fear is an awful feeling. Let them know that you are there with them and will protect them for as long as it takes for the fear to subside. Use Soothing Words and Comforting Touch. When your child is afraid, use soothing words and comforting touch to calm them. If your child has a nightmare, sit with him and massage his temples or stomach until he is able to return to sleep. Use low, smooth tone of voice to tell him he is loved, and know that simply having a parent with him until the fear passes makes your child feel safe and cared for. Be Respectful. While a child's fear may seem silly to you, it is very serious for them. Respect that and honor your child's fear. If you downplay it or tell the child they are being ridiculous, you are teaching them to not trust themselves. Fear is fear, no matter how irrational it may seem. Since preschool children can not differentiate between fantasy and reality, helping them overcome their fears can be challenging. Letting your child know he is loved, protected, and cared for can go a long way towards banishing his fears. That and the empathy that comes from remembering the weeks you spent hiding from flying monkeys after seeing the Wizard of Oz . Dr. Caron B. Goode is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training and certification program for parent coaches. In addition to duties with the academy, Goode is the founding editor of the website www.InspiredParenting.net , and the author of ten books, the most recent of which is Nurture Your Child's Gift . For more information on The Academy for Coaching Parents International or to sign up for academy announcements, visit www.acpi.biz . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Why Is the Teacher Giving My Kid MM's? By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller www.chickmoorman.com Six-year-old Carlos Melendez stood in line waiting as his first-grade teacher bid farewell to her students at the end of the school day during the second week of school. She was completing her ritual of placing a sticker on the hand of every child who had been good that day. As she reached out to give Carlos a sticker, he informed her, "I don't need a sticker to know when I've been good. I can tell on the inside." When Carlos's teacher complained about his attitude at parent/teacher conferences, Carlos's parents told her his statement was correct. They politely informed the teacher that Carlos's motivation to do well in school came from the inside and they preferred that she no longer use stickers with him. Karyn Murphy's parents recently received a letter from their child's third-grade teacher. It explained how many books their daughter would need to read in order to attend the class pizza party at the end of the month. The pizza party was the reward children would be receiving for their reading efforts. The letter instructed the parents to sign a form verifying her books and number of pages read. Karyn's parents returned the form to the teacher, accompanied by a letter of their own. It said, "Our daughter reads because she loves reading. Your program of rewarding children with pizza for reading teaches children that the reason to read is to earn an external reward. We feel this undermines her internal motivation of wanting to read for adventure, fun, and personal interest. We, as Karyn's parents, are not interested in a quick-fix style of motivation that results in many books read quickly to obtain a reward. We are interested in creating a lifelong reader. Pizza parties will not attain that result. Please know that we will continue to encourage Karyn's interest in reading our way and that we will not be recording the number of books she reads. We expect that she will be allowed to attend the party with her classmates." The parents in the scenarios above represent a growing number who are speaking and acting out concerning their dissatisfaction with the escalating educational practice of distributing stars, stickers, smiley faces, grades and other external goodies in order to control how children act. Most parents know that rewards produce short-term compliance. Any parent who has ever offered a child a trip to the movies if they clean their room knows that. And external rewards are incredibly easy to use. The problem is that many parents and some teachers do not know that external rewards do not produce lasting change. In fact, these extrinsic reward systems often have the reverse effect. They teach children that the reason to act responsibly, read, study, or behave altruistically is to get rewarded. This fails to help children develop an internal reason to do the desired behavior. So when the reward is ended so does the behavior. An increasing number of parents are beginning to realize that the more rewards are used, the more they are needed in the future, and as children grow in age and size, it is necessary to increase the size of the reward. These parents are concerned because the quick-fix control systems of rewards often used in schools teach that learning is something one does to get an MM, a gold star, or your name on the board rather than as something that is important for its own sake. If intrinsic motivation has been carefully nurtured by the parent and does exist within a child, it is overridden as children learn to rely on the external control offered by teachers looking for quick and easy answers to their frustrations. Offering children rewards for acting responsibly, learning a number of spelling words, or sitting silently at the school assembly assumes that these students have no interest in acting that way without the rewards. It shows a lack of trust of children and an unwillingness on the part of the adult to invest the time necessary to give reasons, teach the desired behaviors, or display patience while children learn from their mistakes. Rewards are being used by teachers who are looking for an easy way out, a way that does not require teaching children the compelling whys to do the desired behavior. Rewards only create a temporary change in behavior. They do not alter what children believe or how they feel about an activity. They do not create self-motivated, self-directed, critical-thinking, reasoning children with a strong internal set of values. Rewards teach children to do what is necessary to get the reward and no more. Creativity, thoroughness, and risk taking suffer. Children learn to play it safe, take shortcuts, and get done. Parents like the Melendez's, and Murphy's are beginning to ask questions about the practice of dispensing rewards. Are the teachers who use them developing self-responsible children or youngsters who obey without thinking? Have the teachers thought about the long-term effects of the practice, or are rewards just a convenient way to gain compliance? How interesting and relevant is the assigned task if the teacher has to give my child a reward to do it? The Melendez's and Murphy's have moved past just asking the question, why is the teacher giving my kid MM's? They are doing something about it. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your family, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Moving Mom and Dad By Cheryl Riggs www.lifecheckonline.com Helping your parents move from the home they have lived in for many years is difficult. Normally, this move is not made by choice, but due to the death of a spouse, an illness, accident or other negative event. It also often signifies the loss of independence if they are being moved in with a adult child or into a community setting. No, making this transition is not easy, but it can be manageable if you keep these things in mind. Keep the Memories Before you begin the process of dismantling the house, have someone take lots of photos. Every family seems to have one person who enjoys putting together albums, so give them these house photos, and some older photos of family activities that have taken place in the home through the years. Assign them the task of putting together a small (no larger than 6" x 8") album that can be given to your parents as they settle into their new home. This album will be a comfort when they miss their house and help them recall good time within its walls. If they are moving to a community setting, this album can also be shown as an introduction to other people as they establish friendships. Schedule Time to Plan If your parent is moving from a long term residence, there will almost certainly be a built up accumulation of stuff. Thinking that it can all be sorted out in a few days when your siblings are in from out of town is unrealistic and will lead to overly tired cranky disagreements about "who gets what". It is better to schedule a few hours when mom or dad can help and get a general idea of what will be moved, thrown or given to a specific person. This session is the highest and best use of sticky notes - use them liberally on every item as it is discussed. At this point, do not argue with your parent if he or she wishes to take more than will fit where they are going or they want to get rid of antiques and move press-board furniture. It's their stuff and their life - let it go. Even in cases where dementia is present, making these decisions together will make the process easier for everyone and provide needed closure for your parent. Taking the time to do a scale drawing of the new residence prior to this session may also be helpful in the decision making process. It will be a visual reminder of the fact that as much as your mom would like to keep her dining room hutch, the space will not permit it. You can then help her decide which member of the family would be the most appropriate as the recipient. There is no shame in renting a storage unit for a short time until final decisions or distribution can be accomplished. Just make sure that someone is in charge of paying the rent and you assign a timeline for completing the task. Get Some Help Unless you have a patient relative who can devote many hours to the process, it is often wise to hire help. If you are a member of a church or other community group, there may be a stay-at-home mom or older woman who is available to help. You are looking for someone with great organizational skills who can handle the physical aspects of moving and can work well with your parents. A church group or non-profit organization may also have volunteers willing to work on a garage sale if you are willing to donate a portion of the proceeds. Two professional organizations are also available. The National Association of Senior Move Managers is a group that specializes in assisting families with this process, they are online at www.nasmm.com . The National Association of Professional Organizers also has members who specialize in helping organize a move. They can be found at www.napo.net . Both of these organizations have members that can also help dispose of unwanted merchandise and organize an estate or yard sale which may help pay for their fees. They may also provide move in and set up services in your parent's new home which can especially helpful. Having an outside person involved can help ease family tensions as they will provide a go between during this stressful time. Face it with a Smile Even the most meticulous of housekeepers may let down their standards if they are ill or their eyesight is failing. Therefore, when you move a piece of furniture and find more dust than Oklahoma in the 1920's, it may be hard not to react negatively. Be kind and try not to make a big deal about anything including personal medical supplies, 28 years of stored newspapers, or food in the pantry older than you are. Having people rummage through their bathroom cabinet is probably more embarrassing for them than for you. Helping your parents retain their dignity through this process should be a goal that you take seriously. After all, they were there for you through your teen fashion years - you owe them. Your acceptance and a big smile on your face, even when you don't feel it on the inside, will make this transition easier for you and your parents. It's not an easy task, but handle it with love and compassion. Cheryl Riggs is the owner of RCI Consulting, LLC and is committed to helping families cope with aging and preparing for the future. Her 20 years of experience in non-profit and small business management gives her a broad base of knowledge in many areas. She is a Certified Senior Advisor with a degree in Business Administration from Azusa Pacific University, a Master's of Science in Gerontology from USC, a credential in Fundraising from the University of California Riverside and a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers and is a licensed Realtor in California. For more information visit www.lifecheckonline.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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Fighting Fair: Three Rules to Keep in Mind James Bardot www.angrydivorces.com Shakespeare's oft-quoted line, "All's fair in love and war," may be true, but it shouldn't be interpreted as license to do whatever we feel like-at least not if having a happy marriage is our goal. If you want to be happily wed, you will need to establish and follow some basic ground rules for resolving your differences. We might call this Fighting Fair. When a man and woman join together in matrimony, differences will invariably arise, but like two coaches, two business heads, or two civic leaders, though their points of view may disagree sharply, they are still joined in a common goal, which is to promote and support their organization. Likewise, in marriage, when disagreements arise, the end goal of spouses should be to resolve those differences in a way that will strengthen, not weaken their union. Yes, it can be challenging sometimes, very challenging, but that's a truism of any worthy endeavor in life. No one rises to the top of their career without a continuous application of effort. And even then, one false step can undo years of dedicated work. It's a delicate balance and one that requires constant vigilance, but the end product-a happy marriage-will yield dividends far beyond the efforts we put in. It's really not that complicated. In fact, all you need to do is agree on a few simple guidelines. Most couples find that this requires only three: First, know that any healthy resolution of problems is going to require the participation of both spouses. One person alone can't do it. You could liken it to two people carrying a stone; if one side lets go, the rock will surely fall-and falling rocks cause damage. Simply put, without a mutual desire to succeed as couple, the relationship has little hope of surviving. The second rule requires that you not let your conflicts spill over into attacks on your partner. Sneers, criticisms, insults, "the silent treatment" and other ploys designed to hurt the other person will only intensify your differences and drive you further apart. The third rule of Fighting Fair is to keep it private. Nobody wants their dirty laundry aired in front of others, and violating this rule becomes especially painful when our private affairs (and faults) are exposed by someone we love. Of course it will help tremendously if these rules are established early on, before bad habits have a chance to fester, but more importantly, spouses must honor not just the rules, but their intent as well. For instance, if one of the ground rules is to not shout at each other, and instead of shouting, one spouse walks out of the room in anger, it's obvious to all that the rule-respecting the other person's opinion-has been violated. Once these three boundaries (working out problems together, showing respect towards each other, and keeping it private) have been established, the actual mechanics of problem solving can take any number of forms. For example, one couple agreed on the day they married never to go to sleep until every disagreement between them had been resolved. "We found that we both liked our sleep and learned early on to resolve our differences quickly," said the smiling wife of her marriage 63 years strong. Another couple made a rule to go for a walk when things got heated and avoid looking at each other while they talked things out. "One of the things that attracted me to my wife was the fact that she was a mediation attorney," said the husband. "Before we married, she laid out plan for us to resolve our differences and those rules have kept us on an even keel for 14 years!" A third couple agreed from the onset that they would never, under any circumstances, divorce. (Dr. Laura's exceptions are abuse, addition, affairs.) That security alone gave the couple the courage they needed to confront every problem, knowing that no matter how great their disagreements, the marriage itself was safe. Fighting isn't necessarily bad. In fact, it can make the marriage bond even stronger, if done in a healthy manner: the greater the history of successful resolutions, the greater the chances of resolving the next one, when it arises. On the other hand, if your fighting is done in an unhealthy manner, the better solution may be to simply walk away. The end result will likely be the same, and you will have saved yourselves a lot of grief in the process. James Bardot, author of Angry Divorceacute;s Anonymous , has founded several companies, holds two patents, and has worked as a private investor and business coach. Recently, he served on the Executive Committee of Tech Coast Angels, the nation's leading group of private investors in technology startup ventures. After two unsuccessful marriages, James turned his attention to bringing greater public awareness to the preventable damage caused by divorce and helping couples find the happiness they seek. He conducts workshops and is available for speaking engagements. James is the devoted father of three boys and lives in Southern California. For more information, visit www.angrydivorces.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Parents' New Year's Resolutions By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller In 2007, I resolve not to teach my children to have a happy productive life, but rather to help them choose a happy, productive day. I resolve to help my children appreciate that there is no such thing as failure, only temporary results that they can use as feedback to determine their next step. I resolve to fix problems rather than fix blame by maintaining a solution-seeking mindset and teaching my children a problem-solving process. I resolve to aid my children in their struggle with autonomy by creating a balance of power through a shared control style of parenting. I resolve to remember that I want children to behave in ways that reflect what THEY find unacceptable, not in ways that I, the parent, find unacceptable. I resolve to welcome interpersonal skill errors as learning experiences and as important opportunities to implement consequences. I resolve to parent in a way that demonstrates that I believe the only authority children take with them everywhere they go is their inner authority. I resolve to allow my responses to my children to reflect a knowing that some lapses in self-control are developmentally appropriate. I will remember that they behave in certain ways because they are five or eight or fourteen years old. I resolve to parent in a way that reflects my belief that the process is as important as the product. When I am stumped and don't know how to respond to one of my children, I promise to ask myself, "What would love do now?" I also intend to listen internally for an answer. I resolve to recall that I can choose to see any parenting situation differently from the way I have been seeing it. I will remember that perception is always a choice.I resolve to relax, while remembering that relaxing does not mean resigning. I resolve to make my approach to parenting reflect the notion that raising a child is more about drawing out what already exists in a youngster rather than about putting in to fill perceived deficiencies. I resolve to focus on the main purpose of parenting, the creation of who and what we really are as human beings. I resolve to remember that "being right" doesn't work. I resolve to parent as if I believe that a child's I AM (I am athletic, I am creative, etc.) is more important than his or her IQ. I resolve to live today as if attitudes were more easily caught than taught. I resolve to help my children and myself stay conscious of the choices we are making. I resolve to remember the adage, "If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior," and I resolve to put that adage into practice in my home. I resolve to see the hurting child in the child that hurts others. I resolve to "be" the change I wish to see in my family. I resolve to talk less and listen more. I resolve to remember that experience can be messy. I will allow my children to learn from the messes they make and the cleanup that follows. I resolve to hold my children accountable for their actions and choices with gentleness and love. I will implement consequences consistently and allow my children to experience the related, respectful, reality-based consequences that flow directly from their actions. I resolve to make myself dispensable and assist my children in becoming increasingly in charge of themselves and their own lives. I resolve to refrain from making my children wrong for their choices, even as I hold them accountable for their actions. I resolve to recognize that my children are in my life as much so I can learn from them as they are so they can learn from me. I will be open to the lessons my children offer me and honor them for helping me learn and grow. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose . They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today: www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Family Holiday Traditions By Dr. Laura Markham www.yourparentingsolutions.com Seven days of Kwanzaa, eight days of Hanukah, twelve days of Christmas. Enough time, if we seize it, to connect with our families, recharge our batteries, and satisfy our souls. Here are three great holiday lists to get you started. 12 Fabulous Family Holiday Traditions to start with your kids: Make pies to take to the soup kitchen or to the firehouse where folks are hard at work. Write a winter poem together every year; paste them in a scrapbook with a photo. Go on a nature walk to gather greenery. Write "Appreciations" - each person in the family puts one on each of their gifts. Have a holiday card making party; invite the kids' friends. Have a family session to clean and repair old toys and clothes and take them to donate. Spread pinecones with peanut butter and birdseed and put them out for the birds. Bake cookies together to give as presents. Go apple picking, or just buy a bunch, and make applesauce to go with your Hanukah latkes or Christmas pancakes. Deliver Meals on Wheels for homebound folks. Go ice skating together. Have an annual Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or tree trimming party. 12 Ways to Help Your Child Discover His "Inner Angel" Have a Gift for the World, or Charity, or Tzedakah (the Jewish equivalent that means restoring justice) night. Let your kids make a "Wish List" of all the ways they'd like to make the world a better place. Then let each person in the family choose one thing to address one of those issues. For instance, you might make a donation to Hurricane Relief, plan to volunteer at a soup kitchen together, and make a commitment to drive less and buy more efficient light bulbs. Go to the roots of your tradition to talk about giving. Kwanzaa, for instance, is about the principles and practice of bringing good into the world. Celebrating the birth of Christ gives ample opportunity to talk about good deeds. Tzedakah is a fundamental part of Jewish life. Model generosity. Give to the panhandler, bake pies for the elderly. Donate to a worthy cause in honor of the holiday. Make giving a part of your daily life. Don't force kids to share before they're ready, and don't force your kids to give things up "because others are needy." Giving shouldn't be painful. Volunteer as a family. My kids and I volunteer at a local soup kitchen, and my kids love feeling like they're making a difference in these folks' lives. It also helps them feel better when they see a homeless person, to know that person can get a hot meal at "our" soup kitchen. Find ways to involve your kids' friends, for instance by having a party to bake pies to donate. Take them to the local soup kitchen, or to the Firehouse, where the firefighters have to work on the holiday. Have a Donation evening. Go through the house together looking for anything you no longer use that can be cleaned or repaired and donated. Every child deserves the pleasure of giving her own money to a worthy cause. Try giving a little extra weekly allowance that goes in a special "charity" jar, and letting her give it away every year at the holidays. Talk explicitly about your values and why they're important to you. Why do we share with others less fortunate? What IS integrity? Why is respectful behavior important in a church, synagogue or mosque? What does it mean to be a responsible member of a community? Model taking responsibility for your community. "It's a pain to carry this trash till we get to the car, but I don't see a trashcan and we never litter." "This sign says parking is reserved for handicapped people, so of course we can't take that spot." Start while your kids are young. As they get into their teen years, they'll find worthy causes of their own. Share the idea with your kids that giving to others is one of the reasons we're alive. And one of the ways we can all make the world a better place. 12 Pleasing Homemade Presents to Make With Your Kids A selection of handmade cards or wrapping paper to use all year long. Personalized Mousepad. Handmade soap or bath salts. Hand-dipped candles. Canvas bags with iron-on designs. Homemade calendars with photos. Painted picture frames. Tie-dyed tee-shirts, sheets, etc. Christmas ornaments (especially with kids' photos). Gifts for other kids: homemade clay, finger paints, bubbles, puppets. Something from your kitchen: Cookies, jams, fudge, quick breads, your famous spaghetti sauce, your special trail mix, or a kit with the makings for something yummy, tied with a ribbon: your perfect pancakes or scrumptious seven bean soup. Certificates for your services: A massage, babysitting, dog walking, painting a room, flying a kite together. Your goal is to delight your giftees with a token of your affection, not to garner status points or exhaust yourself. One strategy is to make big batches of something that most folks will enjoy -- fudge or bath salts -- so that many of your gifts can be made in one evening. You can easily find instructions for these gifts, and sources for supplies, online. Dr. Laura Markham is the editor of the parenting web site www.yourparentingsolutions.com , offering solutions and inspiration you can use every day to create the family of your dreams. She specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's kids. Dr. Markham lives in New York with her husband, eleven year old daughter, and fifteen year old son. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Nine Ways to Help Children to Cope With Loss and Grief By Sally Sacks www.sallysacks.com The biggest problem children have in coping with their grief is the inattention and lack of awareness adults have in the need to talk about it, express all kinds of feelings around it, and to help children to find a way to compensate for the loss. Often parents are ill equipped to deal with grief in their children, because they have a hard time dealing with it themselves. For example many stoic type families just held it in, enforcing the need to be strong. If you grew up in a family like this you would have no outlet to express your feelings. It would not be welcome and you would know it, so you hold your feelings in. These people become parents and the cycle is repeated. If you let the feelings out, it's healthy, normal, and gives you a place to build from. Naturally, if you express your grief, you need to know where to go with it next, and again if you are a parent, you need to know how to direct your child. I have dealt with many kids who have no way to connect to their deceased parent. I ask them how they keep their mom or dad's spirit alive, or keep a relationship with them, and they say they don't know. They are unaware that the relationship and image of another in your thoughts and in your memory never dies. The body dies, but the spirit does not. It is so strange how people can believe in and connect to a God that they have never personally witnessed or seen, but those same people can't connect to a person they actually saw, knew existed and loved. People all over the world connect to the spirit of God, regardless of the lack of empirical evidence. They can believe in what's told to them to believe, but can't make the connection on their own. Children need to learn to make a spiritual connection. They need to find ways to talk with their deceased loved one. Parents have to guide kids on this one, no matter what their age. I had a young girl recently who lost her dad, and was unable to talk about him, even though I asked lots of questions. It was too painful. She needed to let her feelings out. She was channeling her feelings out in the wrong direction, being needy with boys, and always angry at her mom. When we worked together, and I helped her to understand that her dad's spirit was alive, around her and in her. She began to think differently. She slowly began to focus on memories of her dad, and what he had given her, rather than focus outside herself. She became connected to him again in a new and different way, but a way that worked. She expressed her anger at him for dying and leaving her. He was so good at so many things that he could have taught her, and wasn't there. She expressed her sadness at his terrible suffering from cancer, and the anger at how it destroyed him. No one could talk about it because it was too sad, and that made her feel even more alone. After she got the real feelings out we could work on keeping her memory alive with her dad. If you are a parent dealing with a child who has lost someone dear and you have too, get help for yourself and help your child. Here are nine things you can do. Don't think that you need to go to a cemetery to express yourself to loved ones. If you teach spiritual development you are aware that the person doesn't live in the cemetery. They live in you heart and mind which are with you everywhere. You want to keep that memory alive by carrying out behaviors of the person. Create a tangible reminder that you can see everyday. Keep their favorite item in your closet, or favorite picture in your room. Dedicate a sculpture or statue or flower arrangement in your house to them. Plant a tree in your yard for them, or a flower. Take a balloon and attach letters to them and let it fly free to the universe. Write to them in a special journal only for them and your private communication to them. Wear something that they liked to school. Order their favorite meal, or make their favorite cake on their birthday. You can even take a piece of cake and bottle of wine to the cemetery or their favorite place on their birthday, If you feel sad, let yourself be sad. Always talk to children about their deceased loved one, reminding them of how they are like that parent or have such good qualities like them. If they are sad, disconnected or don't answer, that's ok keep doing it. Get help with yourself for the loss, and dealing with it if you are having trouble helping your children. If you don't get help for yourself you will not be able to help your children with the things that they need to do to keep their loved ones spirit alive. Teach children to live consciously, day by day in the moment. Life is short and we don't want to miss connecting to anyone that we love, dead or alive. Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of How to Raise the Next President , a groundbreaking parents' guide to teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they'll need to be happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Ten Tips for a Peaceful Holiday Season: Helping Kids Relax By Patti Teel www.PattiTeel.com Kids get pretty anxious over the holidays. It's a time of excitement and wonder, and they often have a hard time relaxing, staying calm and sleeping well. Here are some tips to help your kids stay relaxed and on a healthy sleep schedule. Don't overschedule your children. Cut back on the tasks and activities which are likely to overwhelm them. For example, avoid long trips to the mall with young children; short spurts of shopping will be more fun for everyone. Don't try to change your child's temperament; accept that he or she may be naturally timid and soft-spoken, or boisterous and loud. An activity level that might be comfortable for one child could be overwhelming for another-even in the same family. Have activity-based celebrations. For instance, spend time with children making cards, decorations, cookies and gifts. You may wish to let each child select one activity for the whole family to do over the holidays. Have children stay physically active. Don't allow busy holiday schedules to crowd out active play time. Physical activity is one of the simplest and most effective ways to reduce stress and ensure that a child gets a good night's sleep. Children should have at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity activity every day. (However, vigorous activities should not be done within several hours of bedtime because it raises the metabolic rate and may make it difficult for your child to relax. When possible, have your children play outdoors. Exposure to daytime sunlight helps children to sleep better at night. Teach your children relaxation skills such as stretching, progressive relaxation, deep breathing and guided visualization. Relaxation can be a delightful form of play and it's easy to incorporate the holidays in imaginative ways. For example, play a relaxing game of "Santa Says." Direct children to stretch and relax by curling up like a snowball, to move their arms and legs slowly in and out like a snow angel, or to open their mouths widely to catch snowflakes. Banish bedtime fears and help kids put worries to bed. Make a ceremony out of putting worries or fears away for the night. Have children pretend, or actually draw a picture of what's bothering them. Fold, (or pretend to fold) the worry or fear until it's smaller and smaller. Then put it away in a box and lock it with a key. It's often helpful for older children and teens to list their worries in a journal before putting them away for the night. Make your home a sanctuary from the overstimulation of the outside world by making family "quiet time" a part of every evening. * Limit total screen time, including computer games, video games and time spent watching television. Advertisements scandalously target children and the more they watch, the more they soak up the commercial messages of the season...instead of the real spirit of the holidays. Tell or read inspiring holiday stories. Sing and listen to soothing holiday music. Give each other a gentle massage. Maintain the bedtime routine. While routines are likely to be thrown off during the holidays, it's important to maintain a consistent bedtime, allowing plenty of time for a relaxed bedtime routine. Don't let holiday parties or activities interfere with your child getting a good night's sleep. Instill compassion and encourage generosity. Provide opportunities for your children to help others. Opportunities abound: have your child draw pictures and help bake and deliver food, encourage them to donate some or their clothes, toys or books; or regularly visit an elderly person who needs companionship. Read or tell stories that emphasize giving. Perform simple rituals to symbolize your care for others. Light a candle as you and your children send your good wishes or say a prayer for those who are in need. Instill appreciation and gratitude. It's not possible to be upset and worried while feeling appreciative. Share good things that happened during your day and have your child do the same. They don't need to be major events; emphasize actions that demonstrate the blessings of the season. It could be a hug, words of love, the sound of the birds in the morning or a beautiful snowfall. Depending on your beliefs, you may wish to incorporate prayers of appreciation and thankfulness. About the author: Dubbed "The Dream Maker" by People magazine, Patti Teel is a former teacher and the author of The Floppy Sleep Game Book , which gives parents techniques to help their children relax, deal with stress, or fall asleep. Visit Patti online at www.pattiteel.com/ to subscribe to her free newsletter. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

What Really Keeps New Parents from Sleeping By Anh Vazquez www.littlegrad.com As if the new nocturnal feedings weren't enough to keep them from out of REM state, new parents have a host of other concerns on their minds. A recent survey released by Little Grad, the Saving for College company revealed how varying scary thoughts affect parents. The survey asked parents to rank 10 factors in order of which one they worried the most about. The most worrisome, on a 1-10 scale was job security (3.48), followed by saving for retirement (3.75) and dying before their children grow up (4.30). The ability to afford their children's educational needs (4.48) rounded out the top four. The issues parents worry about less than saving for college include crime (5.05), the environment (5.20), rising gas prices (6.73), the amount of time their kids spend watching TV or playing video games (6.84), the threat of terrorism (7.27), and lastly, traffic (7.64). In looking at this list, it was interesting to note that there are two categories of worry; those they have little control over and those that are mostly within their influence. By looking at the worries in these two categories, it helps to map out a plan for alleviating them, and finding more restful peace of mind. Frightening, but 'out there' Terrorism, crime, environment, gas prices, traffic, violent video games... while things undoubtedly affect our lives, and will impact our children's futures, they are largely, beyond any family's ability to control, and therefore don't have the 'wake you up in a cold sweat' factor. That being said, there are things that individuals and families can and should do to address these causes of stress. Discuss responsible citizenship. Schools encourage students to discuss issues like terrorism, environmental concerns, crime. Parents should actively consider and discuss these items as well, so that a family has a jointly developed sense of identity and values. Find ways to support ideals. If the family is stressed by high gas prices or traffic, this can be a call to make a change - whether that means buying a hybrid vehicle, finding carpool partners or changing jobs. Even if you don't take any actions immediately, considering your options is good for mental health. Practice healthy escapism. A lot of worries come from the TV set or sitting in traffic. Finding family time in nature, or at someplace where you can connect and relax can put the world back in perspective. It could happen to us Parents keenly feel the new responsibility a child brings into their lives, and this drives job, financial and health insecurity in a new and powerful way. It may take some time to develop new habits, but once done, the effects on a parents stress levels can be remarkable. Financial planning. Whether it is sitting down with the monthly bills and checking account, or visiting a financial planner, taking a level headed look at expenses, and comparing them with how they are aligned with your aspirations can help to keep nagging doubts at bay. This should be done at least once a year to keep pace with the changes of a growing family. Part of this exercise should include a discussion of wills and guardianship of children. Mortality is of concern to parents, and discussing it can take away its mental power over your dreams. Stepping up savings. When they look at their income and spending, most families would agree that they could and should be directing more money towards savings. This would help alleviate the stresses related to job security, retirement and saving for college. Focus on family health. Eating and exercise, making time for checkups, scheduling 'mental health time' - all these things can remarkably lower stress, and set a great example of a healthy lifestyles that kids will adopt as their own. Enjoy your sleep A full night's sleep is one of those things that you cannot fully appreciate until you have had it interrupted. To care for a new baby (or even a sick child) is tiring, but worth the exertion. Losing sleep over worries is perhaps unavoidable, but steps can be taken. To figure out why you are losing sleep, many experts recommend keeping a notebook and pen by your bed. This will help to find any issues that are hidden in the new parent haze, as well as helping you back to sleep once you've written the "must remember to go" item on it, that is assuming you can read your own handwriting in the morning. Anh Vazquez, CEO of LittleGrad.com, earned a Master's degree from Stanford University and a Bachelor's degree from Carnegie Mellon University. After spending over ten years working for leading companies such as Intel, Netscape, and Wal-Mart, Anh's career interests shifted when she became the mother of two children. Anh drew on her experience as a senior executive at Wal-Mart's fastest growing division (Walmart.com) when she decided to start LittleGrad.com, a free service that helps parents save for their children's college education. LittleGrad.com has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, San Francisco Chronicle, and Money magazine. For more information please visit www.littlegrad.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>