For centuries now, it has come to pass, on the Dr. Laura show, that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving be declared Corny Joke Day!! Here are the "corniest jokes" from this year's program:
Thanksgiving Jokes:
Q: What kind of music do the Pilgrims like to play?
A: Plymouth rock.
Q: What did the blonde say to her husband who would not let her get in a word in edgewise about how to cook the corn for Thanksgiving?
A: Shush, shush, shush, I know you 'ear’ me.
Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he was a limp-chick.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with Dr. Laura's sailboats?
A: It's an un-gobble-able winner.
Q: How come I can't cook a crocodile for Thanksgiving?
A: Because I don't have a ‘croc’ pot.
Q: Why was the football referee yelling at the turkey?
A: For a 'fowl’ play.
Q: Why did the turkey join the marching band?
A: Because he already had two drumsticks.
Q: What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?
A: “Sorry, we don't serve food here.”
Q: What did the turkey tell Dr. Laura when she forgot to put on her seat belt?
A: Buckle, buckle!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did he cross the road twice?
A: To prove he wasn’t ‘chicken.’
Q: What is the most polite Thanksgiving meal?
A: Macaroni and ‘please.’
Q: What do you call a boy turkey with letters all over his body?
A: An alpha ‘meal.’
Q: What happens to poor little orphan turkeys?
A: They’re placed in foster farms.
Blonde Jokes:
Joke: An unemployed, confused blonde arrives at an appointment with her doctor and asks if there is a difference between horses and cattle. "Well," the doctor says, "I didn't study livestock, but yes, there is a difference. Horses are equine and cattle are bovines." “Which one am I?" asked the blonde. “Neither,” the doctor says, “You're a human being, why would you think differently?” The blonde explains that she recently moved in with her boyfriend and called Dr. Laura to ask for advice on how to set boundaries with him. The blonde goes on to say, “Dr. Laura told me that boundaries keep cattle on one side of a fence and that I was behaving like an unpaid horse.”
Joke: A married couple lives out in the wilderness, and the wife is 8.5 months pregnant. All of a sudden, she starts going into labor. Her blonde husband panics and calls 911. The operator says, “Sir, what's your emergency?” He says, “We live out in the middle of nowhere. My wife's in labor and I don't know what to do!” The operator says, “Sir, calm down. Is this your wife's first child?” And he's responds, “No, this is her husband!”
Dr. Laura Themed Jokes
Q: What does Dr. Laura have in common with a scarecrow?
A: They're outstanding in their field.
Q: How did Dr. Laura get her callers to stop calling their issues "toxic?"
A: She made them an offer they couldn't ref-use.
Q: Why did Dr. Laura cross the road?
A: To prove to the snowflake it could be done.
Q: How do you piss off Dr. Laura?
A: I don't know.
Q: What did Dr. Laura say to Casper the friendly ghost?
A: She said, “Now go boo the night thing."
Q: Why did the duck keep calling Dr. Laura?
A: It kept going quack-ers.
Q: How many Dr. Lauras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Q: Why were the dolphins following Dr. Laura’s boat?
A: They were trying to find their "porpoise!"
Q: What did Dr. Laura say to the canned good when it wouldn't listen to her?
A: Spam, spam, spam!
Joke: Dr Laura was getting her home ready for Thanksgiving. She told her son to dust all of her fancy, expensive vases. He started on the left, dusting all of them until he got to the last one. Dr. Laura caught him and said, “Deryk, go do the right ming.”
Q: How does Carson Smith get to work every day?
A: A segue.
Q: How does Dr. Laura help you to not go down a crappy path?
A: She puts the ‘shh’ ‘shh’ ‘shh’ ‘shh’ in ‘it.’
Q: What did the DNA test reveal about Dr Laura's style?
A: She really loves her blue jeans.
Q: Why did Dr. Laura put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Q: Did you hear the episode on Dr Laura when the past, present and future called in worried they were being too annoying?
A: Oh yeah, she got them to understand they were just tense.
Q: What happens whenever a caller interrupts Dr. Laura when she's working on a puzzle?
A: Oh, they'll hear some crosswords, alright.
Q: What did Dr. Laura say to Deryk after having dinner at a restaurant?
Q: Go get the Car-son.
Joke: There's a butcher who's a big fan of the Dr. Laura Radio Program. Every year when someone comes and asks him for a turkey, he says “Don't have them if you can't raise them.”
Q: What type of food does Dr. Laura serve a caller who is not listening?
A: A ‘shush’-kebab.
Q: What advice did Dr. Laura give to the shack-up honeys and limp dicks who worked at the library?
A: You all should be ashamed of your shelves.
Animal "Crackers"
Q: Why was the lumberjack so insistent on fumigating for bees?
A: He didn't want any shack-up honey in his space.
Q: What do you call a magical dog?
A: A labra-kadabra-doodle.
Q: Why do French people eat escargot?
A: They do not like fast food.
Q: Why was the man willing to swim through shark-infested water to get his wife a lemonade?
A: Because his wife was far scarier than any of the sharks.
Q: What do you call a wild pig who is still waiting to receive a stimulus check?
A: An unpaid boar.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: Why do fish have a problem dating?
A: There are a lot of fish in the sea, but love is in the air.
Q: How are a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue different?
A: You have tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
Q: What about a pot of glue?
A: I knew you’d get stuck there.
Q: What type of dog does Willy Wonka have?
A: A chocolate lab.
Q: Why do fish not watch T.V.?
A: They don't want to get hooked on it.
Q: Why don't ants ever get sick?
A: Because they have 'ant-y-bodies’.
Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: The hippo is very heavy, but the Zippo is a little lighter.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A ‘fshhhh.’
Q: What do you call a baby bird with a peg leg?
A: A limp chick.
Knock-Knock & More Jokes
Q: Why was the girl refused service at a smoothie bar?
A: Because she came from a salad family, not a blended family.
Q: Why did Waldo go to therapy?
A: To find himself.
Q: What is the opposite of irony?
A: Wrinkly.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An im-pasta.
Q: Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
A: He got it at a second-hand store.
Q: What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A: A waste of time.
Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in 100 years?
A: The letter M.
Q: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bella. Bella who?
A: Bella no a ringa, that's why I knocka.
Q: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's last movement?
Q: What did one math book to say to the other math book?
A: “I have more problems than you.”
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup.
Q: Why is the computer so smart?
A: Because it listens to its motherboard.
Q: Did you hear why the company that manufactures yardsticks is going out of business?
A: Because they refused to make them any longer.
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: Supplies!
Q: What's the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?
A: It's where you put the dirt bag.
Q: What is the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
A: The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but chickpeas can only 'hummus.’
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
Q: What does a wrecker service driver put on his biscuits?
A: Toe jam.
Q: Why does the sun not need to go to college?
A: Because it already has 27 million degrees.
Q: Why can't your ear be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How many tentacles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten tickles.
Q: Where do veggies go to earn their black belt?
A: Carrot-e.
Q: What did the pumpernickel say to the sour dough when they broke up?
A: It's not that I don't loaf you, but we’re crumbling and you deserve butter.
Q: How do you say refrigerator in Italian?
A: Ice-ah box!
Q: What are the ingredients for a honeymoon salad?
A: ‘Lettuce’ alone.
Q: What is the best house on the market to buy?
A: A turnkey house.
Q: How did the hackers escape the police?
A: They ran somewhere.
Q: Why does the female candle leave the male candle?
A: Because he was a limp wick.
Q: Why are your fingers the most reliable part of your body?
A: Because you can always count on them.
Q: Why did the nurse bring his pen to work?
A: Because he wanted to draw some blood.
Q: Did you hear about the old butcher down south?
A: He's been grinding on his work lately.
🔊 Listen to last year's 1st Hour, click on the link below to stream with your device's media player:
