All Have Won, and All Will Have Prizes?: The Challenges of Youth Sports Erik Fisher, Ph.D., aka Dr. E... www.ErikFisher.com See Jimmy pitch the ball. See Dick hit the ball. See Dick run to first base. See Dick get called out. See Dick's parents yell at the umpire. See other parents join in. See Dick walk back to the bench and hide his head in his hands. See Dick's dad yell to Dick telling him to "Be a Man, and suck it up." For those of you who have been to see youth sports, you may know that these occurrences are not uncommon. According to a survey of parents, 84% of them have seen violence in sports, and 45% kids report that they have experienced comments and abuse of some sort. Parents want to see their children succeed and sometimes don't know the limits to their enthusiasm. As parents, we have to keep in mind that every child on the playing field in any sport has dreams, hopes and emotions. Also children's greatest teachers are not only their parents, but other adults around them. The question that we want ask ourselves is, "What do we want our children to learn from sports?" Skills acquisition? Confidence? Cooperation? Social Skills? How to win and lose with class and dignity? Integrity? Honor? Or do we want them to learn, poor sportsmanship, aggression, complaining, cheating??? The Game of Life I think that we all can agree that in life, we are going to have many more experiences of loss in life than we will have "wins". Being human and having the opportunity to experience emotion presents us with many opportunities. We have choices with every interaction. In my humble opinion the greatest learning in life comes from the losses. As I teach many people, the purpose of failure is that it tells you when it is time to learn. When you find yourself feeling emotions that are unpleasant to you, ask yourself what the emotions may be trying to tell you... ask your children the same thing. Let sport be more than an opportunity to play. Let it be an opportunity to learn about life. So, just what is your underlying goal in helping your child? Many parents want to keep their child from experiencing pain, and for so many of us, we see failure and loss as painful. So, if our kids win, they don't feel pain... right? Not so fast, my friend. What if they won but did not play. Another question is who else's pain do we want to avoid??? Our own. Our kids often become extensions of ourselves, so when they fail, we fail... when they lose we lose. In our own aversion to pain, we can take those feelings out on any number of people (other players, refs, coaches, and our own kids) without seeing its impact. The impact on our children is often that they believe if they win, people will love them more. After all, look at the way we idolize professional athletes. So they learn to win at all costs, and that is one of the most destructive messages that has permeated our society. Anger Everywhere Why is there so much aggression and arrogance in sports today? 44% of kids surveyed stated that they dropped out of youth sports because they were unhappy. 56% of kids feel that youth sports are too competitive. So why do we define winning from the score at the end of the game. This does not sound like our kids are winning. When I was coaching 6-8 year olds in soccer, one of my players came up to me and asked me what the score was. I asked him if he had fun playing, and he said, "Yes." I said, "The score doesn't matter. We all won. Just have fun." Learning is winning, and learning comes from the experience gained in losses. In sports, we want our children to learn confidence, respect, pride and integrity among other things. It is not a sign of confidence or integrity to mock other children and do the victory dances in the end zones while pointing at the other team. You have to ask yourself, that if your children are doing this, is this an extension of what you want them to learn? I haven't seen any physicians mocking each other after completing a difficult surgery or see businessmen spiking their briefcases after big deals (well not exactly). Life Lessons As a parent, keep in mind what you want your children to learn. I have presented some pretty challenging viewpoints here. I hope you will consider them. As a parent, you have a tough road -- to monitor your own emotions while guiding your children, to lead by example, and to prepare them for the rest of their lives. What I ask people to ask themselves at the end of every day is, "Did I live my life with truth, honor and integrity to myself and others?" Ask yourself this at the end of your child's sporting events, and hopefully you will continue to make better choices as the season progresses. I will end this with a top ten list that I wrote for the Chicago Tribune a few years ago. I wish you and your family all the success in learning to grow together. Remember to have fun. Top Ten Ways to Know When You Are Too Wrapped Up in Your Child's Sport 10. You want to be an official of your child's sport because you think you can make better calls than the other referees. 9. You have your child practicing every night at home until after dark. 8. You start talking about your games when you were a kid during your child's games. 7. You start calling players on other teams names and make calls or noises when they're trying to focus. 6. You start calling players on your child's team names or make calls or comments, hoping they'll mess up and your child will get more playing time. 5. You coach your child's team and let your kid play more than others because you think he or she is better than anyone else on the team. 4. You make your child cry before, during or after a game by your actions or comments toward him or her. 3. Your child wants to quit playing and you want to keep coaching, telling him he's a quitter or a loser. 2. You encourage your child to play with an injury or illness, telling her she's a loser or weak if she doesn't. 1. You threaten your child, a player, another parent, coach or official with physical harm for any reason. About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E..., is a licensed psychologist and author of two books whose work has been featured on CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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The Do's and Don'ts of Teaching Kids Self-Control By Dyan Eybergen RN Self-control is a skill that enables a person to discern what is right from wrong. It is the ability to keep emotions from becoming overwhelming, to stay focused, delay impulses and actively problem solve instead of reacting to a situation. Children begin to exhibit forms of being able to regulate their emotions as early as 12 months, but the process of developing self-control takes years. At 18 months, children start to separate their identity out from their caregivers-they begin to recognize themselves as independent beings. By age two, children can imperceptibly think about consequences to their own behaviour "I wonder if mommy will be upset if I play with her make-up?" but won't necessarily stop misbehaving because of these perceptions. By age four, children begin to understand cause and affect relationships. They become aware of how other people see them and how their actions or behaviour affect others. As they become older, children become better at self-regulation as they learn to moralize and follow rules. They start to foresee and understand the repercussions for breaking the rules and make decisions based on whether or not it is the right thing for them to do. Parents can help their children develop self-control through the ways they interact with them. It begins when their children are infants through responsive parenting and physical contact and continues throughout their children's development by teaching them why their behaviour is unacceptable and offering them more appropriate behaviours to replace undesirable ones. Here are some do's and don'ts of teaching self-control DON'T: tell your children they have done something wrong and arbitrarily punish them (lose a privilege like watching TV because of hitting a sibling). In this instance children only come to rely on other's telling them what to do instead of learning about alternative acceptable behaviours that they can choose for themselves the next time ("I will ask mom for help with getting my toy back instead of hitting my sister"). DO: be flexible. Effective parents are constantly changing and adapting to who their child is. They tailor their parenting to meet the child's needs. For example: if a 13 year old is not very responsible, a responsive parent would not let that child babysit younger siblings, regardless of his age. They would help their child to learn more responsible behaviours so he can be left alone to babysit, when he is ready. DON'T: tell your child you're not interested in her excuses or explanations for why she has done something wrong. This gives children the message that their feelings are not important. You don't have to agree with how your child is feeling but you do need to respect that her feelings are real. DO: give your children a "feelings vocabulary". Start as early as possible labelling their feelings for them "I can see how upset you are". "I bet that made you feel very angry?" "I can appreciate how frustrated you must be". This way, as children expand their capacity for language they will have words to express themselves instead of acting out. They will also be able to tell how someone else is feeling as a result of their behaviour "I can tell by the look on my Aunt's face, she's angry that I ate the whole bag of chips". Perceiving how others are feeling about how they behaved will go a long way in helping children to problem solve. DON'T: constantly tell your children what to do. But don't let them do whatever they want either. Children cannot learn about rules if their environment is so restrictive that they are not allowed to make mistakes they can learn from. Nor can they learn about rules if they have never been taught to follow them. DO: Set limits, but allow your children input (as they get older) into what those limits might be and the consequences for not adhering to them. Children need lots of practice in making decisions about their behaviour and opportunities to see the impact of those decisions from both their successes and their failures. Dyan Eybergen, a child and adolescent psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Eybergen currently resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons. Out of the Mouths of Babes is her first book. For more information visit www.childperspectiveparenting.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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Setting Limits By Armin Brott www.mrdad.com DearMr. Dad: My wife and I have been talking a lot about the importance ofsetting limits for our two children, ages 5 and 7. We know we must dothis but we aren't sure how to go about it, especially since the kidscontinually challenge us on every new rule. But it's so exhausting. Anysuggestions? A: You're absolutely right tobe talking about setting limits. Boundaries are essential for raisingwell-behaved kids, especially in this age of "anything goes." I wishyou had started your discussions a few years ago (and you probably dotoo), but it's never too late. Why is it so important for parents to set boundaries#150;and for thechildren to respect them? Well, start by thinking of your family in alarger context. Every civilized society has rules and regulations. Somemay be reasonable and others less so, but just imagine what the worldwould be like if everyone made and followed their own rules, whileignoring and breaking everyone else's. (To a child, that might soundlike paradise, but as adults, we can hopefully see the larger picture.) Unfortunately, children aren't born with a pre-loaded set of rules. Soif we don't teach them the difference between good and bad behavior,healthy and dangerous habits, kind and hurtful actions, how will theyever know what's positive and acceptable and what isn't? Okay, now that we've got the philosophy of limit-setting down, let'stalk about how to start establishing rules and how to make sure they'rethe right ones for your family. Here are some guidelines I think you'llfind helpful: Boundaries should bereasonable and clear to a child. It's sometimes a delicate balancingact, but you've got to find the middle ground between being too lenientand too strict. Limits should beage-appropriate. What works now for your 5 and 7-year-old, won't workfor a teen. And in fact, what works for your 5 year old probably won'twork for the 7 year old. Be flexible. As yourchildren get older, you'll need to modify your house rules accordingly. Make sure the kidsunderstand why each rule is necessary. You may say, for example, thatthey're not allowed to go to a friend's house alone because they're tooyoung to cross the street by themselves. Explaining the reason behindeach boundary will show them that you don't make the rules arbitrarilyjust to curtail their freedom, but, rather, to protect them in apotentially unsafe environment. That said, make sure your childrenunderstand that while you're happy to discuss certain rules, there aresome--health and safety issues, for example--that are non-negotiable. Establish clear consequencesfor breaking rules. Kids have to be held accountable for their actionsso they grow into responsible and trustworthy adults. When--notif--they test the boundaries or break the rules, be prepared to enforcethe consequences right away. If you don't, the kids will learn thatbreaking rules is okay or that there's always one more "last warning."That's not a lesson that will serve them well in adulthood, when theconsequences for bending or breaking the rules will be harsher. All in all, setting boundariesisn't going to be easy--we want our children to love us and don't wantthem to be mad at us, which is exactly what will happen when theyinevitably bang up against the rules. But it's our job to stand firm.The result will be more respectful, better-mannered kids who will growinto responsible, likeable adults. Armin Brott is America's most trustedDad#153;. He's the author of seven bestselling books on fatherhood.He has written for dozens of major publications such as Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, Men's Health, and Parenting Magazine, and appeared onhundreds of radio and television shows including Today, Fox News, CBSOvernight, and Politically Incorrect. Armin has taken his experience asthe father of three beautiful children, interviews with thousands offathers just like you, and with the very latest research, and writtenbooks specifically for Dads.nbsp; www.mrdad.com nbsp;Permissiongranted for useon DrLaura.com. More >>

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