Adoption: It's Something You Give to Him/Her Dear Dr. Laura: I am an attorney in a law firm that specializes in #147;Reproductive Law,#148; which encompasses traditional adoption, embryo adoption, surrogacy (traditional and gestational) and all forms of invitro fertilization. I was listening to your show when I heard a young single mom call in regarding a problem she had with the day care center of Father#146;s Day. It had to do with the child bringing home a card for mom but not for dad. What caught my attention was the caller#146;s response when you suggested that adoption may have been appropriate in her case as opposed to trying to raise the child at a young age and without a dad. She responded that #147;she couldn#146;t do that to him.#148; It is unfortunate that many people don#146;t realize that adoption no longer carries the stigma that it once unjustly did. It is no longer seen as something #147;you do to him/her,#148; but something #147;you give to him/her.#148; Adoption is not a selfish act, it is quite the opposite. As much as one may #147;want#148; to try to raise their child or instinctively feel compelled, it takes a self-less act to give that child every opportunity he/she deserves, but that you cannot provide him/her. Additionally, most all of the adoptions we facilitate today are #147;open#148; adoptions. Today#146;s adoptive parents are more than happy to send and accept pictures, letters, sometimes gifts and some even visit with the birth parents. Our office offers birth parents an authorization form that allows us to release their identifying information if the child contacts us when he/she is 18. This state and other states also offer paternity registries that birth parents can sign onto which the child can use to locate them later in life. Unfortunately, we cannot always decide when we are going to become moms and dads. And for many of the people we work with abortion is not an option. But adoption takes a child out of a situation where their chances, opportunities and growth are limited and places them in a situation where the sky is the limit. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Michael More >>

You Can Do It And There Is A Light At The End Of The Tunnel Dear Dr. Laura, First I want to thank you for all of the help you provide daily to your callers, listeners and the children of America. I am currently reading your book 10 Stupid Things Parents Do#133; I worked in daycare for 8 years and I witnessed so many of the types of situations you describe in your book! It was heart wrenching to see kids waiting at the door when I would arrive to open the center at 5:45 am. Many of these children were still wearing their pajamas, obviously taken directly from their beds! These same children would then be picked up at 6:30 pm#133;by a babysitter!! I thought at the time that I was helping these children, by being a constant in their lives; by offering them the love, attention, hugs and even discipline that they were lacking at home. I felt that I was doing good by making a difference in the lives of children. I am now My Kid#146;s Mom and that is my full-time job. I have been home with my daughter since the day she was born. I now question whether my working in daycare was actually a positive thing or was I simply enabling parents to neglect their children? I was blinded by society#146;s idea that both parents have to work. Now, I know differently! When my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, we were doing just fine financially. We had the #147;luxuries#148; in life, but longed for an addition to our family. I was 5 months pregnant when terrorists attacked our country on 9/11. This affected my husband#146;s company and consequently, income was quickly declining. When my daughter was 10 months old, we lost the company putting a huge financial and emotional burden on our family. I was constantly asked why I didn#146;t go back to work to help our financial situation. My reply, #147;I DO have a job, I am a Mom!#148; We struggled, Dr. Laura, but we did it! We down-sized from 2 quite expensive new cars, to one dependable car. We had to make sacrifices that we wouldn#146;t have had to make had I gone back to work, but we were not willing to sacrifice the well being of our daughter! Please tell your listeners that they can do it and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! True, we don#146;t have fancy cars or a big huge house, but we have our family. Our daughter knows that she has a Mommy and Daddy that love her, are here with her everyday and that she means more to us than any material thing. THAT is what matters! Thank you, Dr. Laura, for the direction you provide all the lost souls of our society! Respectfully, Lori More >>

A Real Mommy Moment Dear Dr. Laura, I#146;ve been meaning to write this note to you for a while now#133;feel free to share it with your listeners if you find it worthy! About a month or two ago, you read a letter from a listener who said she had a #147;real mommy moment#148; when she was at work and saw a paper clip on the floor. She bent over to pick it up and said aloud, to no one in particular, something like, #147;This shouldn#146;t be on the floor; someone could choke on it!#148; The gist of the letter was that this so-called #147;mommy#148; was more concerned about her coworkers potentially choking on a paperclip (yah, right!) than she was about her daughter who was stuck in daycare all day long while #147;mommy#148; worked. Needless to say, you had a few choice words for this working mommy, and I was in complete agreement with you. Then something funny happened just a few nights ago, and I thought I#146;d share it with you#133; Late one night, exhausted from my active 2-year-old#146;s energy and my lack thereof (I#146;m 8.5 months pregnant with twins!), I wearily undressed myself in the dark of my walk-in closet. Barely able to stand, I pulled my bra off and heard something fall to the floor. I turned on the light to see what it was, and there on my carpet laid a small, black raisin, my son#146;s favorite snack. As I heaved over my belly to pick up that little raisin, I couldn#146;t help but smile and think to myself, #147;Now that is a real mommy moment.#148; Just wanted to share this with you. Hope it brightens your day. You#146;re an inspiration!! Sincerely, Michelle More >>

"Have you done it yet, Have you done it yet?" Dear Dr. Laura,WHOA! You and I still have A LOT of work to do#133;#133;.. I am a licensed independent social worker (LISW) in Ohio and I work with children and adolescents in individual mental health counseling and with their families in family counseling. And yes, I like to think that I am one of the #147;good ones#148; that you (and I) believe to be so hard to find anymore in this field. I rely primarily on what I refer to as #147;morals-based therapy#148; in my community-based practice and in so doing, I appeal to my clients to lift themselves out of their miserable situations by doing the right thing. (Sadly, I think I hardly ever succeed, but I keep plugging away.) Last week, one of my female clients whom I have been seeing in therapy for a number of months came in for her regular appointment. As she settled into the chair, she announced that she needed my advice about virginity and specifically, the value (or not) of maintaining it until #147;the right time.#148; (Incidentally, in her view, the definition of #147;the right time#148; had nothing whatsoever to do with marriage, only with having a more or less steady boyfriend. But I guess you knew that.) Anyway, she was describing the peer pressure surrounding sexual activity and how her friends are #147;always#148; asking of one another, #147;Have you done it yet, Have you done it yet?#148; None of this would have been anything other than an ordinary day in the life of a counselor in 2003 America except for this: my client is going into the 4th grade . Even in America, that#146;s astonishing. After nearly picking myself up off the floor, I gave her my best #147;Thou Shalt Not#148; speech, but truthfully, I don#146;t know who was more incredulous #150; me, at her question or her, at my answer. After she left my office, I wanted to sit down and cry, but instead, I sat down and reviewed her file. No sexual abuse history, at least none known or suspected. No economic disadvantages. No victim of racial discrimination. No mental disabilities or limitations. No problems at all except #133;#133;..her parents are divorced, dad#146;s on drugs, mom and dad periodically get back together (usually long enough to tempt my client into believing, yet again, that it might be permanent this time), and dad couldn#146;t care less about having a relationship with his kid. Add to this personal history a culture that supports doing anything at anytime with anyone and, well, no wonder she#146;s thinking about having sex. You stay on the radio on your end and I#146;ll stay in session on my end and one of these days, we just might save at least one child. Thanks for your help, Nancy B. More >>

You are "DA BOMB" Dear Dr. Laura: Heard your show today about the license plate and had to send you mine! You can only use 7 letters on a California license plate so I got #147;MY KDS DD#148; [Picture of license plate showed missing letters added in on by hand] But as you can see#151;I added in a couple letters so everyone could see how proud I am of my 2 kids and you! (IT reads #147;My Kids Dad.#148;) The wife walked out of our home when the kids were 4 and 7 years old. They are now college graduates and are 23 and 26. They are wonderful, respectful, best kids ever!!! A big part we owe to you!!! I have listened to you religiously for 10-12 years. Use to get #147;Go Take On the Day#148; newsletter. My #147;My Kid#146;s Dad#148; t-shirt has about 50 holes in it. I#146;ve worn it sooo much!! My children could not be such caring, compassionate, responsible adults without you! You have helped me and us soooo much I can#146;t even put it into words to describe to you! You are my Hero! I have wanted to write to you numerous times over the past 10 years to thank you for all that you do for everyone!! Don#146;t give up the battle!! I know you are attacked all the time #150; But that is a very small minority of idiots!! You provide a wonderful service to our community!! WE LOVE YOU! Thank you again for keeping me on the right track! I have so much self esteem and respect for myself because I always put my kids first in my life. I coached all of their sports teams, we go on vacations#151;Just the 3 of us#151;1-2 times per year. My life is soooo wonderful! And I owe the majority to you! Thank you, thank you, thank you x infinity! Raising my 2 kids, by myself, was the most rewarding, frustrating, fulfilling, exasperating, beautiful time of my life. Thanks again for keeping me grounded, centered, etc. on what#146;s important in life. I#146;ve bought all of your books, shared them with my son and daughter and they have taught us a lot. I only wish I could express myself better and use better adjectives on the positive, awesome impact you have had on our lives! I am self-employed (Realtor) so I could go on every field trip with my kids. I volunteered one hour a day, every day, for 2 years in my daughter#146;s 1st and 2nd grade class. My son played high school baseball and basketball in high school and college #150; I have every second he ever played on video never missed 1 game! We owe it all to you! Thank you again!! Randy More >>

Meeting Bio-Mom Dear Dr. Laura, I have always wanted to write to applaud your promotion of adoption. Fortunately my too young bio-parents allowed me to be adopted by wonderful parents who have given me a life I could not have dreamed of if I had not been adopted. Like thousands of happily adopted children living all around you, I rarely thought of my bio-mother because I had a family. There was no void or missing piece. However, when I was twenty, she contacted me. We lived two hours apart, so I agreed to meet her. I wrote the piece below after that meeting. I hope it helps your listeners who have given a child up for adoption, or are considering it, an understanding of the miracle of adoption so that they can find comfort in their act of true, selfless love. Thank you for all you do. Sincerely, Larissa P.S. I would like to say our meeting gave my bio-mother the closure she was looking for, but sadly it caused her a lot of pain and guilt. Not because she gave me up, but because my happy, successful life made her realize what a mistake she made when she would not allow my parents to adopt my older brother along with me. "But I already have a mom." "You're just angry and unwilling to face your true feelings." "I don't think so, but I can be open to that possibility. I mean what do I know? I've never met a birth mother before. Well, at least not mine. So I'll just go in blank, no expectations, feel whatever I feel." "Oh, you'll feel it. It's blood." "But my husband's family is blood and they can't stand each other." "You can't understand because you have never had it." And that's it, end of discussion because that is always it because that is the one place they always go that I can't because I'm adopted. I think they are just afraid because maybe blood is just a liquid, nothing more. But I say so what? Maybe what makes a family is love and what's wrong with that? Unless of course they don't love each other. Well, now I'll know the truth. After this there will be a new ending to the conversation. I am open to this stranger they call my mother, I am scared, but obviously so is she. It's awkward, like a blind date only with years of baggage already. I talk too much about nothing. We certainly don't talk about IT. Neither us is ready to bring up IT. I stuffy her as we talk. It's fascinating. On first glace I look nothing like her, but as I pick apart physical features I can see parts of her in me like they do with babies. There is my chin and a version of my nose and my upper arms. It's a novelty I never understood before. Then I start seeing me. I watch my hands gesture and hear how I speak and how my head tilts and how I form my thoughts and make my judgments and how my outlook on life affects how I react to this moment and how I feel inside and what I will do next. I suddenly realize these are all parts of me that my mother gave me. Not this woman sitting in front of me, but my mother. Those physical parts and pieces are necessary to form a human, but they are not me, not who I am. If they were then plastic surgeons would be the gods people sadly think they are. Who I am as a person has been formed by the touch and love and molding over a lifetime by the woman who is my mother. I realize I can thank this woman here and let her go. Not out of anger or uncaring, but out of love because, thanks to her, I now know where I came from. I was formed in a womb, but I grew up in love. Hi mom, it's me. Did you meet her? Yeah. How as it? Are you ok? Mom#133; Yes? I love you. I know honey, I know. More >>

Day Care: Another Name For Leaving Your Kids On The Edge Of The Field Watch Edward R. Murrow's Documentary, "Harvest Of Shame" and tell me we have not become a bunch of high class bean pickers. Let me tell you what would happen if all the young working mothers were to say, "That's it! I'm going to stay home and suckle my young." The social security system would go right down the tubes. So young mothers have to ask themselves if it were their idea to go out in the work place or did someone make them think it was their idea. So the next time someone like Bob Dole says, "We saved Social Security" just throw up in their face. We all should be working less, not more; we are so much more productive than our grandparents, but we are not enjoying the fruits of our labor. Everything costs less today, except the money we pay to the government. God bless you, Dr. Laura, Vincent More >>

Yours? Mine? And Now You Want "Ours"? Dear Dr. Laura, I wish I was listening to you 20 years ago. Shortly after my divorce from my alcoholic, physically abusive first husband, I found you. I am now happily married for 15 years to a wonderful man. Thank you!!!!!! I want to share with you what I just overheard in the grocery store. This woman with 5 kids in tow and very pregnant, was telling the cashier that she has 4 more at home that are from her current husband's first marriage. She is pregnant with her new husband because they "WANT A CHILD TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!" WHAT ABOUT THE 9 THEY HAVE ALREADY???? I was about to vomit. Dr. Laura, I just had to write. I am horrified and had enough with listening to, reading and hearing about these "Step Moms" and "Step Dads" who assume they can blend families, make additional babies and think of themselves first before their children or their spouse's children! They wonder why the kids are coming between their marriage or getting into trouble or worse. Dr. Laura, I am my "Kids" Mom. I have been their "Mom" as they (the Kids) call me for 15 years. I have a 21 year old daughter and a 24 year old son. They are legally my own and I consider them my own. Their Bio-Mom waved all rights. Their egg donor (as I call her to myself) left these children when they were 4 and 6 years old to shack up with someone barely legal and had two more children. Subsequently she left this guy too; only to shack up with someone else again many years younger than herself. My husband at that time was raising these children on his own. Dr. Laura, I was introduced to my husband through a mutual friend. He was looking for someone to baby sit the children once in awhile. I was looking for extra income because I was trying to pay off lawyer debts due to the divorce and the assault charge against my husband. We knew of each other but were never formally introduced. The kids and I became comfortable with each other. Eventually there was a true attachment. Slowly, their father and I became closer too. I was getting invited to stay for dinner or coffee after watching the kids. We found out we had the same goals, morals, and dreams. We asked the kids' permission if we could date. They said yes! Our dates consisted of the FOUR of us going movies, amusement parks, picnics, baseball games, watching the kids play sports, etc. Once in awhile their grandmother would have them for a sleep over, which they anticipated. Only then would we have our alone time. He asked the kids' permission to marry me. They said yes! Dr. Laura, I CHOSE not to have any children of my own. These kids needed a stable environment. They needed my full time love and attention. THEY WERE THE ONES THAT WERE ABANDONED. My husband was worried that I would regret my decision later for not having my own children. I always told him in front of the kids "I have my own family." A few years ago, my Gynecologist called my husband and me into his office. He advised that I required surgery due to a severe medical condition. My Doctor told me that if I wanted my own children, I would have to have them WITHIN THE YEAR! My answer was immediate. I have my own children! It brought tears to my husband's eyes because he knew what I was sacrificing. To me it was no sacrifice. Dr. Laura, what good is having another child, if a) I do not have the surgery in time and it's curtains for me. Who then will raise the child? b) If I bring another child into our family, what will it do to our kids? How will that make them feel? It was take away my love and attention from them which they need. I had my life saving surgery two weeks after our Doctor visit. How can these women and men out there be so selfish bringing additional children into their relationship because "they want their own". They should be concentrating on giving all their time, energy, and love to the children they have who are scarred from divorce.My Kids are doing very well. They are now well adjusted adults, with full time jobs and their own apartments!As they tell me, I am their Mom.Keep up the good work!Angie More >>

Why Put A Child Through Adoption? Dear Dr. Laura, I just heard the letter you read from a man who was talking about abortion being the choice of the mother. The phrase that truly hit me was #147;Why put a child through that?#148;. I wanted to answer his question. Why put a child through that? Because that child was blessed with two wonderful parents who wanted children more than anything. They wanted children enough to adopt 3 kids whose birth mother was strong enough, wise enough and loving enough to want the best for the baby she hadn#146;t planned on. My parents wanted us enough to always let us know that we were special. We were loved. We were chosen. We had a place. That we were important to them. We enriched their lives. They wanted us enough to provide a wonderful home, family traditions, unwavering support, the guidance we needed to make contributions to society. To make the world better, simply by being . People make mistakes, but children are not mistakes. Every child has a purpose. They don#146;t have to be the next president or find the cure for a disease or discover the key to world peace to be important. They just have to be raised in love, so they can pass that love on. Think of the people whose love has shaped your life. Think what the difference might be in your own existence if they were never in it. If their birth mom had made the #145;choice#146; to trash, instead of to treasure. My birth mom treasured me, and so I honor her. My birth mother didn#146;t put me #145;through#146; anything. My birth mother gave me an incredible gift. I don#146;t know her, yet I understand who she was. She was incredibly brave. She was compassionate. She knew the value of life. Though I never met her, more than anyone else in the world, my birth mother taught me the true worth of every person, how every life is important, and never, ever to be taken for granted. I wish there was a way I could tell her. I hope that she knows that I know she loved me. Why put a child through that indeed? Because without doing so, I wouldn#146;t have existed. My two boys, who are the absolute light of their grandma and grandpa#146;s lives, wouldn#146;t exist. My husband wouldn#146;t have his wife or the life we have built together. My friends wouldn#146;t have me to turn to when they needed help, or a laugh or some love. Each of us is needed. Each of us is a gift to each other, if only given the chance. The writer of that letter, well, he hasn#146;t learned what my birth mother, by her CHOICE, taught me. Let him know that my life was not something I was #145;put through#146;. It is something I am LIVING, thanks to my birth mother, and to the wonderful parents I was so blessed to have. Sincerely Michele M. More >>

I Am A Mother, Remarried and Regret It Dear Dr. Laura, I am writing this letter after hearing one of your callers on the radio ask you the question, should he breakup/stop seeing his girlfriend who doesn't get along with his 14 year old daughter. As I write this I am hearing a second caller about dating when he has children. I can't express it too strong or agree with you more for parents to put their own life on hold until they raise their children. I would even beg for the parents to PLEASE WAIT!!! I am a mother of three, remarried, and I regret it. Although I love my husband, I am constantly faced with the fact that my decision has caused my children so much heartache and pain. My husband is also remarried and has a teenage daughter from that marriage. We have been together for 13 years, married for 10. My children are now 19 (twins) and a teenage girl. Although when we started out together, we had the intentions of accepting each other's children/child as our own, that just didn't happen. Even though my children only knew my husband as a father, he never truly could accept or treat them as his own. So when his own biological daughter came to visit, she was treated differently, had time with him that my children didn't have. When she wasn't there he would leave at early in the morning and wouldn't return until late at night. He would rarely spend time with them, but when his daughter was in town he would take time off from work to take her places, spend special time with her, etc. The different treatment was obvious. They grew up feeling hatred and resentment for him as a result. It is now at the point that my youngest daughter won't even say two words to him. The twins are now gone, but they grew up feeling very hurt by it all. I am not saying that he shouldn't spend special time with his own daughter, by all means he should and did. It's just that he never had time for mine. We spoke of treating each other's children as our own and that just never happened. What did happen is a lot of hurt and pain. My children (at least two of them) grew up hating my husband because in their eyes he never was fair to them. I mainly wanted to express, urge, BEG others to take your advice/counsel about waiting till the children are grown and out of the house. I wish I could turn back the clock and wait till my children where of age and out of the house. I thought we would be a family (me and my husband, raising our children together). It was far from that, to the point that I can count on one hand the number of times my husband sat down to dinner with me and the children. I still ended up a single mom, raising her children alone. The price we all paid was too great and not worth it. It especially cost my children a lot. I now spend time trying to mend my youngest daughter's heart after the damage. More >>