The Stranger in Your Child's Life By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Authors of The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose Would you let a stranger spend several hours with your child, communicating values, distracting them from homework, creating separation and distance from family? Even worse, would you let a stranger into your child's bedroom? "No way," you say? Well, you'd better look again. Because if you are like most parents, there is indeed a stranger who is influencing, guiding, directing, and enticing your child. And yes, some of these strangers are even in your child's bedroom. This stranger looks innocent enough at first glance, but has the potential to influence your child in ways you may not even suspect. The danger that is enticing your child is electronic media, and its presence is growing. Children in America now spend, on average, 6 frac12; hours a day exposed to electronic media. Their connection to this influence includes TV, computers, listening to music, playing video games, and other electronic devices. Two-thirds of children, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation report, now have a TV in their bedrooms. This doesn't account for the hand-held electronic devices many children carry with them wherever they go. Not alarmed yet? What about this? Children with TVs in their bedroom watch 90 minutes more a day than children without a TV in their room. They also do less reading and less homework. According to the facts, the more kids watch TV, the more likely they are to be overweight. Obesity in children is a national crisis. Turning a child's bedroom into a media arcade does not help your child one bit. Many parents say they care about what their children watch and listen to. Yet, children consistently report that their parents do not have any rules, create no conditions, and set no limits on the amount or type of media they use. Those who do create restrictions don't always enforce them. Children report that parents do not know what type of music they're listening to. Parents seldom check the rating on CDs or invest the time to check out the lyrics. They pay little attention to the elaborate TV rating scale and do not use it to make choices about appropriate viewing content for their children. Violent video games and glorified violence on TV spur aggression in children. While watching violence does not make someone violent, research shows that children who are exposed to more visual violence engage in more aggressive behaviors. Isn't that reason enough to set limits on a youngster's television viewing and video game habits? Allowing a TV in a child's bedroom or putting electronic media like Game Boys and cell phone video games into their hands is tantamount to putting the fox in the henhouse with the chickens while pretending the fox is of no danger. It is an example of child neglect at worst and gross misunderstanding on the part of parents at best. Electronic media in a child's life increases isolation. It creates an environment in which the child can stay disconnected from family members. It severely limits family interaction. TV, the internet, and video games are creating an emotional gap between parent and child. What possible reason is there for a child to carry a video game with him wherever he goes, or for a parent to make a child's bedroom so attractive and so media friendly that she wants to spend most of her time there by herself? What about family solidarity? What about creating feelings of belonging by doing things together? Yes, children need privacy. Yes, they need some solitude and some time away from us. But do they need 6 frac12; hours a day of "plug-in" contact? Recently, while attending a soccer registration day, we heard a mother comment about her son, "I don't know why I bother to bring anything else for him to do. All he does is play that Game Boy." Sitting next to her was a child oblivious to the world around him. He was so engrossed in his video game that he was unaware of the rest of the world. And yet the mother went on to say, "The good thing about it is it keeps him busy and I don't have to worry about him getting into things." Do you really want your child playing video games that glorify violence and numb him to real life events? A recent study revealed that 65 percent of seventh- through twelfth- graders played the controversial video game Grand Theft Auto. This game, rated for mature audiences, is loaded with larceny and violence. It shows the killing of police officers and the beating of prostitutes. Is this the way you want your child to learn what it means to be a responsible, caring, cooperative adult? What about the strangers who are teaching your child through their appearance on television? Is TV really where you want your children to learn about values, attitudes, behaviors? Do you like the messages they get from soap operas? Do you want them exposed to beer commercials? Is the television really the best forum to teach your children about dating, intimacy, and sexuality? How do you feel about using sex to sell products? Have you seen any television talk shows lately? Is their model of disagreeing, which includes interrupting one another, increasing the volume, and not listening to the other's point of view the way you want your children to handle disagreements? What about the computer? Who are your children talking to in chat rooms? What sites do they visit? Are they being bullied or talked to with inappropriate language? Are they bullying others? Do you know? Are you sure? What are American parents thinking? What possible reason could there be for putting a TV or X-box in a child's bedroom or within easy access? Does the child have so many things that this is all that the parent can come up with for a birthday present? Do the parents dislike being with the child so much that they want to purposefully isolate the youngster? Or are the adults simply so busy with their own lives that they don't have time for their children? The frenzy to connect to electronic media has created the Great Family Disconnect of our time. Don't parents realize that 6 frac12; hours a day of being plugged into media leaves children little time to plug into their family? Do the parents like it that way? Is family dialogue of such little value that it can be squeezed in between headphones and email? Has Monopoly, checkers, shooting baskets, skipping rope, and bike-riding together become obsolete? Do parents like that? In 63 percent of homes a television is on during mealtimes. Is it too much to ask family members to take a 20-minute break from media noise to share a quiet dinner with meaningful conversation? Or would you miss your favorite program? Couldn't our children become our favorite program for part of the evening? The Great Family Disconnect is increasing in direct proportion to the degree of connection of our children to their favorite electronic device. TV, computers, and video games have become the plug-in drugs of our times. They are creating family distance, isolation, and a decrease in feelings of belonging and connectedness. The stranger enticing your children needs to be unplugged, kicked out of their bedroom, and sent packing immediately. This is your home, not his. This is your family, not his. Take back the influence this stranger has usurped in your family. Commit to being the parent you always wanted to be. Establish guidelines. Set limits. Enforce those limits. Do it consistently. Implement consequences if needed. Disconnect from the Great Family Disconnect. Flip the switch. Bring prime time back to your family. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll-free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com . Visit www.chickmoorman.com , www.thomashaller.com , and www.10commitments.net . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Kid Camp Paradise By Bob Schwartz When I saw my son with the brochure advertising for the summer camp devoted strictly to skateboarding and cartoon drawing, well I knew this wasn't exactly the camp of my youth. Times have changed since I attended those generic multi-activity camps. Camps where I had to endure my inept lanyard-making ability (one time I almost tied off circulation in two of my fingers with my less than brilliant braiding), before engaging in the thrill of water balloon scooter dodgeball. In sending our first child to camp, we did find a general all-around sleepover one. When camp day arrived, I had the normal trepidation as my wife and I dropped him off with what seemed to be enough supplies to comfortably survive twelve years alone in the wilderness, while also having the capability to change clothing six times a day and never run out of T-shirts and shorts. As we waved goodbye, I tried to convince myself that he'd write us many enlightening and lengthy letters detailing his superb camp experiences. But, deep down, I knew that was as likely as a bar of soap actually making physical contact with his body at any point over the subsequent two weeks. As for mail, I just couldn#146;t quite foresee that he#146;d be saying to his bunkmates, "Hey, you guys go ahead and have your ice cream and start playing mud volleyball without me. I'm just going to stay inside here and finish up this five-page letter to my folks while I review my daily journal notes, and then do a quick spelling check.#148; The first week passed without a single word from our camper. The mailman ultimately learned to put a rubber band around our mail, sprint past the house, and swiftly toss it toward our front door. This way he avoided being the recurring tackling dummy for an overly anxious information-starved parent, namely me, who desperately needed a camp letter of some kind. As camp progressed into the second week, I wondered if our son had now completely forgotten us or had simply lost all of his seventy-two stamped and addressed envelopes with which we#146;d diligently equipped him. I thought that maybe we should have sent him with pre-made post cards that could be completed by simply checking the appropriate boxes: Having lots of fun. I guess it beats school. Get me the heck outta here! I miss everybody back home. See you soon. What was my brother's name again? The food is great! I#146;m surviving on PBJ. I#146;ve lost 10 pounds and my shorts don#146;t fit! Love and kisses. Signing off from your wild and crazy son. Adios from your tattoo boy. After what seemed like a decade, we did eventually receive a letter and were pleased to learn the following: He did indeed remember he had parents and two younger siblings. The sole reason, apparently, that he finally wrote us was to request that we, as quickly as possible, forward him his latest Nintendo Power magazine. He could still produce an almost legible four-syllable sentence that seemed, to me, to say: "Camp is a blast!" My more skeptical wife was left wondering if it were instead some new secret code actually reading "Damp in a mast!" Certainly not a letter with as much detail as the U.S. Tax Code , but it was all we needed to know. We did thereafter receive a picture of him along with a short, but revealing, note from his counselor. The photo showed our son with a fairly dirty T-shirt, worn inside out and backward, and sporting his shoes untied with no socks on. His hair clearly had not been introduced to his comb for the prior eight days, and chocolate cookie remnants surrounded his smiling mouth as he hammed it up for the camera. He appeared to be having the time of his life, which was indeed confirmed by his counselor's letter stating, "I've yet to meet a warm-blooded mammal of any age that enjoys things so much!#148; We finally picked him up after fourteen long days for us and two weeks that zipped by at warp speed for him. We promptly learned about the inherent joy in having your bathing suit pulled off by a thunderous waterskiing wipeout; in addition he confirmed that he could actually eat sixteen #147;S'mores#148; without throwing up; he also admitted that he#146;d lost his toothbrush sometime in the first few days and that he#146;d learned some great Australian slang terms from his counselor. He also casually advised us of his gigantic bullfrog named Big Bertha traveling home in his duffel bag, and asked whether we could change the upstairs bathtub into a terrarium for her. But seeing him interrupt his little brother in mid-sentence with a genuinely affectionate bear hug, reaffirmed to us that despite the constant barrage of head noogies and obligatory older brother insults at home, he did truly miss him. We also learned that our son could survive quite happily, for a time, without us. Which to a parent is both the most rewarding and frightening lesson of all. But that is indeed what camp experiences are partially about. Of course that and his proudly wearing the ribbons for winning the OutKast karaoke contest and coming in a close third in the highly challenging Cup - the - Hand - Under - the #150; Armpit- and #150; Generate - Noise competition. So proud. Bob Schwartz is a syndicated humor writer whose essays have appeared in over 150 magazines and newspapers. Bob authored the popular humorous book on running, I Run, Therefore I Am #150; NUTS! His latest book is a hysterical look at parenting (Would Somebody Please Send Me to My Room!). He can be reached at bob@schwartzhumor.com and www.schwartzhumor.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Appreciation for Dads Jodie Lynn www.ParentToParent.com What happens to families, specifically to the kids, when there is not much interaction with the dad in the family? They go looking for someone to provide them with the discipline, conversation, fun, approval and love that they see other kids getting. Sometimes, even if we know these facts, we still have a tendency to forget how crucial Dads are and assume that they are either not interested or don't care. That is why it is so important to invite fathers to participate more in the lives of their children by sharing a few things here and there--but don't overwhelm him with long lists of facts. Then, let them try their hand at things while we keep our thoughts to ourselves. Allow Dad to solve perplexing situations on his own Everyone, including your mother's brother's best friend, has parenting advice to share. That is okay; just take it with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, when it comes to sharing all of this advice with Dad, unless there is a safety issue, allow him to come up with his own way of solving a challenge. For example, if he is trying to comfort an upset toddler, and you come up and show him what works best, he might feel like you are criticizing his technique. The next time the toddler cries or throws a temper tantrum, he will remember this and may be less willing to help. Provide Dad time to be alone with the kids Fathers need to learn how to deal with the kids on their own. Find a time to be out of the house for a few hours and let Dad be by himself with the kids. If you are dying to leave a random list of favorite activities, don't. Unless Dad specifically asks for some suggestions, let him figure out his own schedule. Dads can come up with some pretty off-the-wall things that we would never think of that for some reason kids seem to love. Let Dad feel important If there is something that the kids love to do with Dad, let it be their special time. For example, if baby will not eat peas and squash for you but will for Dad, save that time for him. Maybe baby loves it when Dad acts like a choo-choo train when he puts the spoon in baby's mouth. That's great; let that be Dad's special technique and you stick with your own. Tell him how incredible and amazing you think this is and tell everyone else: relatives, friends, and neighbors, anyone who might mention it to him. This offers a surge in self-confidence for Dad and will encourage more interaction between him and baby. In the long run, this is how memories are made. Something as simple as feeding time. There are a lot of devoted Dads out there but they just are not sure what it is that will work best with kids. They need to know that in many instances, it won't matter if everything he does is the same way you do it or even that it may not have the same outcome. Sometimes, Dads will do anything and everything possible to avoid taking care of the kids. However, if you allow him to build his own personal relationship with them, he might opt to engage more often. Just like anyone else, Dads just want to be appreciated. copy; 2005 Jodie Lynn Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. Jodie Lynn is an award-winning internationally syndicated family/health columnist and radio personality. Parent to Parent is now going into its tenth year and appears in newspapers, magazines, newsletters and throughout the Internet. She is a regular contributor to many sites including eDiets.com and is the Mom to Mom Expert for BabyCenter.com and has a regular family segment on four radio programs, one of which is syndicated to over 20 stations. She has written two books and contributed to two others, one of which was on Oprah and has appeared on NBC in a three month parenting segment. Her latest best-selling parenting/family book is Mommy CEO, revised edition . Preorder Lynn's new book, "Mom CEO: Avoiding the Distressed Housewife Syndrome and Winning at Motherhood," online or from any bookstore. More >>

Are You Assertive or Aggressive? By JoJo Tabares Do you have something to say but are afraid it won't be taken well? Would you like to present a different opinion, but are you afraid to rock the boat? Some people think assertiveness and aggressiveness are interchangeable. Others think they're being assertive, when in fact they're being rude. According to Webster's Dictionary, aggressive means "easily provoked to fight". Assertive means "affirming confidently". In practical terms, being assertive means that you appear self-assured and being aggressive communicates an arrogant and angry attitude. Skillful assertiveness goes hand in hand with a person's confidence, leadership and overall effectiveness. Leaders can use assertiveness to reduce confusion and inefficiencies caused by misunderstandings and crossed wires by being clear when communicating goals/ideas and by motivating others to get behind their ideas. Being assertive with your friends, family and business associates can result in an improved self-image, increased happiness and more success! So why isn't everyone assertive? People report that they are afraid to come off as aggressive or simply lack the confidence needed to be a bit bold. God gives each one of us something to say and here are some tips that can help: Ask yourself if you are sharing this information as an exchange of ideas, to get further a cause you really believe in or just to make yourself look good. If there is no other purpose in being assertive other than to put someone else down, then as your mother always taught you: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! Sometimes it is simply our perception of what will happen if we speak our mind that is based on fear and not grounded in reality. If you simply state your beliefs calmly and clearly with honesty and sincerity, most people will understand. Know your audience and tailor your communication to the beliefs of the group you are addressing, especially if you are talking about a sensitive issue like religion or politics. If you are talking to a group of Republicans, you could be a bit more bold in making your case for the Republican candidate than you could be if you were speaking to a group who were predominantly Democrats. If you are talking to a group of people who don't share your beliefs, preface your statements by saying something like..."I believe..." instead of "Everyone knows...". One is giving your honest opinion and could be backed up with facts and examples while the other is accusatory and aggressive in nature. Substitute empty nodding and smiling that might be more comfortable but may be interpreted as agreement with the other side with a statement like "I see it another way...". This statement will be seen as an honest disagreement that may spark a discussion. Don't say "You're WRONG!" because everything after these words will fall on deaf ears! Maybe even yours because you will most likely be inundated with loud and heated debate material! If something seems a bit too far fetched, ask the speaker to clarify his statements. "I am not sure exactly what you mean." This is a request for more information for the purpose of further understanding. As the person explains his view, you may find that you don't agree or you may find that you now understand more where he is coming from. The more you know about a person's views, the better prepared you will be to assert yours. Don't exaggerate! "You always do this!." will put the listener on the defensive because he feels as if he has been attacked. Be clear and specific, say something like "I need the item by Friday at noon." instead of "I need that ASAP!". Never assume! Ask questions. Confirm details. Some people will hear a demand and be too afraid to cross the other person so they will not let on that they can't have the product to you by Saturday. Tell them that you need it by Saturday and ask if they can deliver it by then. When you make arrangements with a someone, confirm the date, time and any other details to make sure you both have it clear what each is expecting. Sometimes errors are caught in confirmation that would have lead to a miscommunication too late to remedy the situation. Mary says "I'll see you at 12pm on Friday for lunch" but Susan heard 2pm on Friday. Or perhaps Mary said 12pm but meant 2pm. When you confirm the details, both parties get a chance to clarify the details. JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication and has over 20 years of experience in the field. She is the author of the Say What You Mean series of studies on effective communication skills. If you would like more information on how to effectively communicate in small business, please visit http://www.artofeloquence.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Communicating Awareness for Safety By JoJo Tabares There is a knock at the door and your teenager opens it to find a young man standing there asking if the old car that is parked in your driveway is for sale. Your son is home alone for an hour when the phone rings and on the other end is a wrong number. You and your young children are walking in a parking lot at night when you hear footsteps behind you... Each of these scenarios can lead to disaster, but there are some things you can do and say that will communicate to a thief that you or your children are not worth the trouble. Criminals are generally a pretty lazy bunch or they would go out and work for their money like the rest of us! They usually pick on people they think are weak, unaware or easy prey because they don't want to chance getting caught or hurt. They usually rely on the element of surprise to catch their victims off guard in order that they will be unprepared. This is their greatest asset. Knowing this is YOUR greatest weapon against them. The way you walk and how you answer the phone/door communicates how aware and savvy you are. The idea is not to give the bad guy any more information than he already has and to show that you are fully aware of all that is going on in your surroundings. If you do that, the likelihood is that Mr. Criminal will choose another victim. Tips for communicating awareness at the door: Children should avoid answering the door if at all possible-even teenagers. This makes it appear that an adult is not at home and can give the visitor the upper hand whether it is true or not. Children are not as ready or able to deal with people they don't know and can get flustered in situations that are unfamiliar with. What is your 14 year old going to say to this man asking about your old car? Always look through the peephole or window before opening the door. If it is a stranger, size him up. Is he carrying a clipboard? Is he wearing a uniform of some sort? Does he look menacing to you. Use your intuition and common sense. Never give out any more information that the visitor already has.He knows your address, your car and now he knows what you look like. Don't give him any more information that he can use against you. If you tell them that you still use the car for work, he now knows how to tell when you are not at home. Do not tell him how many people live in the house because then he knows how many to watch out for. Do not tell him who the car belongs to... "Oh that car is my brothers, but he is away at college." Now he knows that you have a brother and that the car is probably not used. It is amazing what information you can give this man just by answering his questions. And NEVER admit that you are alone or even who is not at home. "My brother isn't home right now, but I can have him call you if he wants to sell it." Do you see all you have told him? Many years ago, I was asked this very question about my car that I drove to college and back in. I inadvertently gave him all the information he needed to be able to tell when the house was empty. He had been watching our house for weeks and then broke in when the last person had left that day. My mother happened to forget something and found him in the house! Thankfully this man found a safe route out of the house and didn't stop to hurt my mother. Just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean that it's your obligation to answer!You can simply say that you are not selling it and close the door. If he continues to ask questions, it is perfectly within your rights not to answer. You can tell him that point blank or, if you prefer, you can simply say that you have to go now (have something on the stove, have to make a phone call, whatever). Be careful about letting strangers into your house.If you have an appointment with the air conditioning repair man-fine, but unexpected strangers are a different story. I make it a policy never to let unexpected strangers into my house. I don't feel comfortable letting a man that I don't know into the house when my husband is not at home. Even if a scheduled repair man is coming into my home, I do not allow my children to be in the same room alone with him. There was a story a few years back of a woman who let an unexpected repair man into her home and left her baby crawling around near him while she went to finish the dishes in the kitchen. He kidnapped the baby. Don't give a stranger the opportunity to hurt your family! Tips for communicating awareness on the phone: Children should not be allowed to answer the phone until they are trained in telephone safety. It is cute to have your 4 year old answer the phone when relatives call, but is your 4 year old savvy enough to avoid telephone safety pitfalls? Will she remember that you told her not to say that Daddy is on a business trip for two weeks? Never give out your family name or phone number to anyone you don't know. Caller: "Is Josh there?"You: "There is no Josh here. You have the wrong number."Caller: "What number did I dial?" Don't tell them what number they dialed. Ask them to tell you what number they wanted!You: "What number did you want?"Caller: "909-555-1212 Who is this?" Never give out this information!You: "I'm sorry. You have the wrong number." (And hang up-even if they don't.) Tips for communicating awareness when walking: Walk with confidence.Hold your head up and walk with purpose from place to place-especially at night. This communicates that you are strong and have a plan about where you are going. Walk with your keys in your hand.Preferably with the key between your fingers poised to use as a weapon if needed. This shows that you are ready to get into your car or house as soon as you get there. And it gives our villain a lot less time to do any mischief. Look around you.Notice what is around you at all times. This communicates that you are aware of your surroundings. It is much more difficult for Mr. Criminal to use the element of surprise to catch you off guard if you are aware of things that are going on around you. And it helps you to identify when you may be in danger so that you can take the necessary actions. Look under and all around your car as you approach before getting in.This tells our perpetrator that you are further aware. It also helps you identify any potential problems where you are headed and normally feel safe. Train your children to follow a command.If there is ever trouble afoot, you should have your children trained to follow a simple order you give that tells them to get into the car immediately. Have the older ones get in themselves as you put any babies or toddlers in carseats. Communicating awareness is essential for safety these days. It is imperative also that you train your children to be aware of their surroundings and to respond to a rehearsed command that you have in case the situation warrants. JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication and has over 20 years of experience in the field. She is the author of the Say What You Mean series of studies on effective communication skills. For more information, please visit her website, Art of Eloquence at www.ArtofEloquence.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

What to Do If You#146;re Concerned About Your Kids#146; Friends By Michele Borba, Ed.D. Excerpted from NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them by Michele Borba Jossey-Bass Publishers; April 2005. ISBN 0-7879-7662-8 Bad friends. It#146;s every parent#146;s worst nightmare: we imagine only the worse: drugs, smoking, sex, trouble with the law. But what should parents do if they notice that their daughter is hanging out more with a kid whose values don't seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your son from being with a particular friend? The bottom line on this one: It#146;s okay to have friends who are different from your child. After all, exposing our kids to diversity is a big part of helping to broaden their horizons, learn new skills and perspectives, and get along with others. The trick here is to figure out when the other kid#146;s values or lifestyle are really reckless, self-destructive or totally inappropriate. Consider this: could hanging around this kid damage your child#146;s character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our kids are rarely #147;made bad#148; by another kid, but the friends our kids choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that he may#151;or may not#151;get into trouble. Here are a few tips to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting. Restate your standards. Be clear your child knows your family values and is aware of the consequence if he violates them. #147;No drugs, drinking, smoking.#148; #147;You always call to tell me where you are.#148; #147;You only go to homes where parents are there to supervise.#148; #147;You don#146;t leave one location and go to another without telling me.#148; A one time talk to your child isn#146;t going to cut it so plan to talk again and again. Share your concerns. Instead of judging or criticizing your kid#146;s companion (which is guaranteed to end the conversation), describe the changes you see in your child. #147;I notice whenever you sit next to Kevin in class, I get a call from the teacher.#148; #147;You never swore before you starting hanging around that group.#148; If you#146;re not sure you understand what#146;s going on, ask questions. #147;You hid Ricky#146;s magazine when I came in your room. What exactly was it that you didn#146;t want me to see?#148; Talk to the parent. Do try to talk to the other kid#146;s parent, and it#146;s best to do so as soon as your child befriends their child. Meeting personally would be ideal, but a phone call is usually more realistic. Try your best to be positive, friendly, and open minded. Exchange phone numbers. And if you haven#146;t taken time to do so with his other friends, make it a policy from now on. Befriend your child#146;s friends. Get to them and let them know you are interested in their lives. You may see a different side. #147;Do you play any sports?#148; #147;How did you and Norma meet?#148; #147;Are you in any of the same classes?#148; #147;Can you stay for dinner?#148; Ask #147;What if..#148; A good way to assess your kid#146;s ability to handle peers who could be trouble is by posing #147;What if...#148; questions. You make up the problem scenario, but then listen to how your child responds. Her answers will be a springboard to talk about possible solutions she may face in bad company. #147;What if you go to a friend#146;s house and you there aren#146;t any parents there?#148; #147;What if you#146;re at a slumber party and your friends want to sneak out and (smoke, drink, meet boys, etc)?#148; Get the facts. Talk to other parents, teachers, and adults whose opinions you value. Do they know the kid and share your concerns? Does their kids hang around with them? If not, why? What do they suggest? Know where your kid is at all times. Make it clear that immediately after school (or any activity) you want to hear from him. If your child doesn#146;t have access to a cell phone or pager, give him a phone card and teach him how to use it or how to make collect phone calls. There should be no excuses. Keep an open house. Stock your refrigerator with sodas, save those pizza coupons, and make your house #147;kid friendly#148; so your child#146;s friends want to come to your house. In fact, worry more if you kid doesn#146;t want to bring his friends over. Besides feeling more comfortable and knowing where your kid is, you#146;ll also be able to keep your eyes and ears open to see if your concerns are really grounded. Foster new associations. The best way to limit time spent a potential bad friend is to find other social avenues to go down instead. Look for places she can make new friends such as Boys Girls Club, scouts, clubs, music, sports. Arrange activities that your child really wants to do (the basketball team, guitar lessons, the art class). Be prepared. Teach your child what to do any time he does not feel comfortable or thinks there could be trouble. Set up a code word that only you and your family know such as #147;Robin Hood,#148; #147;Trick or Treat,#148; #147;Jimmy called.#148; That way anytime you are talking to your child and his friends are listening, he can say the word and you#146;ll know you really want to come home. Also have a #147;parent support#148; group available in which you and another friend who knows your child well, agrees that anytime you#146;re not available your child will call her (and vice versa with their kid) to pick him up. Watch for red flags. Are you seeing any changes in your child's behavior that are big warning signs that things are becoming more serious? The key is to look for differences you#146;ve noticed in your child since she began hanging around with this companion: Grades slipping, tears, moodiness, red eyes (drugs), alcohol or smoke smell (or cologne to possibly cover up the smell), defiant or disrespectful attitude, hiding things or acting sneakily, sleeping too much, more accidents, a complete wardrobe change that is #147;not#148; your kid. Remember to direct your concerns to where it really counts: how your kid acts instead of how the other kids behave. Forbid bad friend when serious issues emerge. If the companion clearly is a "bad influence" and is pushing your kid into experimenting with serious issues such as drugs, substance abuse, shoplifting, sex, smoking, it's time to draw a halt to the relationship. This may be easier said than done, but and you might need to consider the extreme: changing schools, a summer camp, a month at a relative#146;s, a boarding school, or even moving. In some cases it really may be the only option to prevent a potential tragedy. Above all, keep the lines of communication open and your relationship warm and positive as your child. You want to convey the message loud and clear: #147;I love you.#148; #147;Remember, I#146;m always here for you.#148; Don#146;t let your dislike of your child#146;s friends hinder your relationship with your child. Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renown educator, motivational speaker, who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including PARENTS DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, NO MORE MISBEHVAVIN#146;, BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE, DON#146;T GIVE ME THAT ATTITUDE! and NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME (all Jossey-Bass). For more information about her work see www.micheleborba.com . copy; 2005 by Michele Borba. Permission to reprint if left intact. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Today#146;s Family Man #147;She Blinded Me With Science: Celebrating a Happy Mother#146;s Day of Invention#148; By Gregory Keer I#146;m holding baby Ari while finishing dinner as Benjamin, 7, and Jacob, 3, run around the house, inflicting pain on each other, when my wife calls out, #147;Science experiments!#148; Immediately, the little demolition men trample to the kitchen table, where what#146;s left of my enchiladas is whisked away in favor of a tall glass and a bottle of cooking oil. #147;Tonight, we#146;re going to see what happens when oil and water mix,#148; Wendy announces like some kind of feminine (and infinitely more attractive) refugee from Beakman#146;s World. #147;I want to pour the oil,#148; little Jacob says as he climbs on top of the Formica tabletop. #147;I want to add food coloring!#148; Benjamin chimes in. #147;Wait a minute, nothing toxic is going to happen here, is it?#148; I say, only half kidding. Actually, the whole scene is anything but toxic as Wendy leads us on a chemistry journey to watch oil and water separate and food colors blend to form different hues. Being scientifically curious plays well for my wife, in her work as a professor of early childhood education, and as a mom trying to entertain a houseful of boys. As someone whose own mother taught him not to play with chemicals because the wrong mix of rubbing alcohol and baby powder could melt off a limb, I have to wonder why my wife thinks science is so much fun. When did moms go from, #147;Don#146;t play with those chemicals, they might hurt you#148; to #147;Let#146;s blow something up?#148; I don#146;t know, but, certainly, my children#146;s personal Marie Curie has wowed them with such tricks as a clay volcano that erupts from a concoction of vinegar and baking soda and the ever-amazing hard-boiled-egg-in-a-bottle trick. She#146;s taught the boys botany with plants around the garden and read them books on everything from geology to zoology. But she#146;s not the only source of chemical-physical-biological fun. By now, Benjamin has attended half a dozen birthday parties headlined by the Mad Sciencereg; company. At these functions, various nutty-professor types perform experiments that entertain young children and send them home with their own dish of green slime (that sits on a shelf until your toddler opens it and turns your kitchen floor chartreuse). And that#146;s not all! At school, Benjamin learned how mealworms turn into darkling beetles and, at camp, he built a battery-powered vehicle from scratch. For Jacob, he tested how long he could sit on his baby brother before Daddy noticed Ari was turning purple. In less sadistic situations. Jacob has spent hours in an empty bathtub #150; with his clothes on #150; performing water displacement experiments. All of this boggles my right-brained personality. I#146;m the artsy guy, the dad who prefers Lichtenstein to Einstein. Yet, the pull to dazzle my children with the magic of science has managed to suck me in, just a little #150; if only to keep up with my wife. On a recent Sunday, Benjamin begged me to open a chemistry set marked for children 10 and older. I tried everything to dissuade him from delving into its disastrous possibilities. Wouldn#146;t he rather play some catch, watch mindless cartoons, or eat candy? Nothing would deter my little Dr. Jekyll. #147;Let#146;s take this to the patio,#148; I said, gingerly moving the set from the dining room. #147;This way we can hose down the poisons.#148; #147;No one#146;s going to get poisoned,#148; my wise 7-year-old assured me. Outside, on a plastic table, wearing latex gloves and goggles, I proceeded to open up the box with Benjamin. It was then that Jacob padded out in his underpants, wearing my good glasses for his own safety. #147;I want to do speriments, too!#148; he exclaimed. Anxious that someone would get hurt, I went over all the written precautions, preaching to my son that, #147;Science is not like playing with soap and water,#148; I warned gravely. #147;This stuff can irritate your eyes, put holes in your jeans, and worse.#148; Benjamin pulled out a mini beaker and some test tubes while I read the labels on the bottles of powder. On the first one, I ripped off the goggles and shouted, #147;Calcium hydroxide! Do you know this stuff is fatal if inhaled!#148; Benjamin laughed. Jacob nearly cried as he picked up my goggles, #147;Quick, put them on or your eyes will turn into FIRE!#148; At that point, Wendy came along to save the day. We boxed up the chemicals, but used the nontoxic plastic paraphernalia to perform an experiment with various liquids and some Play-Dohreg;. Once again, Wendy made sure we were all entertained, happy and safe. It#146;s a talent she has both in science and in family. So it is for her, and all the other moms out there who manage to keep their husbands and kids in perfect chemical balance, that I wish a Happy Mother#146;s (of Invention) Day. copy; 2005 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com BIO: Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, teacher, and on-air expert on fatherhood. His Family ManTM column appears in publications across the country, including L.A. Parent, Boston Parents' Paper, Bay Area Parent, Long Island Parenting News, Metro Augusta Parent, and Sydney's Child in Australia. Keer's concurrent column, Today's Family Man, is found at his online fatherhood magazine, FamilyManOnline.com . He also writes for Parenting magazine and the Parents' Choice Foundation as well as such sites as Parenthood.com, Pregnancy.org, FamilyResource.com, DrLaura.com, SheKnows.com, KeepKidsHealthy.com, and CanadianParents.com. On television, Keer has appeared on morning shows and cable specials. He is the father of three sons and husband to Wendy, a professor in child-development. More >>

Affirming Your Children's Voice How and When to Encourage Your Child to Speak Up By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Authors of The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose #147;Stop interrupting me when I#146;m talking.#148; "You have to learn to speak up for yourself." "You ask too many questions.#148; "Tell me with words. I don't understand whining." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Don't bug me when I'm on the phone." "You should have brought that concern to me." These phrases and others like them are sending mixed messages to our children. They are telling them: Talk, but don't talk. I want to hear your opinion, but not all the time. It#146;s no wonder many of our children are confused about when and how to access their own voice. Children don#146;t automatically know when and how to speak up. They don#146;t understand the appropriate times to interrupt. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively. They don#146;t understand the power of words and how to use them to create change in their lives. The most effective way for children to learn when and how to speak up is for you to teach them. If you want children to learn to use their voice in appropriate ways at appropriate times, you have to help them. Below are suggestions for when and how to encourage your child to create his or her own voice so he or she can become an empowered, confident, self-responsible youngster. Children need to speak up when . . . They need help. Children need help stacking blocks, reaching toys on a high shelf, writing a thank you letter, understanding a math concept, handling a peer relationship, and in many other situations as they move through each developmental stage. Some situations they can handle themselves. Others they cannot. A key component to becoming independent is knowing when and how to ask for help. They want something. Yes, it's okay for children to ask for what they want. Just because a child learns to speak up and ask for what she wants doesn#146;t mean she will get it. Sometimes what a child wants is unhealthy or unsafe. It is our job as parents to deny those requests while respecting the child's right to vocalize her desire to get what she wants. For some children, whining becomes the preferred way of asking for what they want. Our role is to give our children useful words to say what they want instead of whining. By helping them learn to say, "I want to stay up longer,#148; "I want to be held," or "I want to get down," you teach them that using words is their best hope for getting what they want in your family. They also come to understand that whining doesn't work with you. Say, "Brandon, that#146;s whining. Whining doesn't work with me. Use your words to tell me what you want. By using words, you sometimes get what you want. Sometimes you don't. And it's your only hope They prefer NOT to have something. Did you ever go on vacation with a teenager who didn#146;t want to be there, one who pouted for the entire week you spent in a cabin in the woods? If so, you know the value of teaching children to voice their opposition to something you want for them. #147;I don#146;t really like hooded sweatshirts,#148; is important information to have before you make a sixty dollar purchase that your child will never wear. #147;Lima beans is my least favorite vegetable,#148; is valuable data to accumulate before you head to the grocery store. Their personal space has been violated. Children need to be taught to find and access their voice whenever they experience inappropriate touch. Being touched in the private areas is always inappropriate. A discussion of appropriate and inappropriate touch needs to be held early and often in a child's life. Role-play both kinds of touch. Teach your children to speak up clearly if inappropriate touch occurs. Teach young children to say, "That's not appropriate," or "Nobody gets to touch me there." Teach them to use their voice to tell you if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way. Practice that conversation. Teach them the words to use. "Dad, Billy touched me," or "I got a wrong touch." Help your teen learn to say, "It's my body and I want you to respect it," and "The answer is 'No' and I don't need a reason." In addition to inappropriate touch, children need to learn to speak up to defend their personal space. Aunt Tilly doesn't get to plant a big wet kiss on a child without his approval. Your child does not have to be hugged if he doesn't want a hug. Even the gentlest touch in the most common of places is not okay if the child doesn't feel like being touched. Help him or her to say, "I don#146;t really want a hug right now," and "I'm not comfortable being kissed." They are asked a direct question. Recently, we asked a four-year-old how she was doing. The mother spoke for the child and replied, "She's feeling kind of shy today." The child never looked up. There was no need to. The mother was her voice. When you speak for your child, you teach her there is no need to activate her own voice. The message you send her is, Your voice is not important. There is no need to use it. I'll take care of your thinking and responding. When you speak for your child, you encourage her to do less speaking for herself in the future. Someone is in danger. We wish someone had spoken up before the massacre at Columbine High School a few years ago. We wish someone had used his or her voice before the most recent teen suicide. Whenever there is potential danger, we want and need children to speak up. And we want them to do it quickly. "I don't want to hear any tattling" a parent recently told her son as he began to tell a story about his older sister. But what if the older sister was stuck in a tree and was hanging from her broken ankle? What if the sibling was playing with matches? What if a schoolmate was urging her to sniff cleaning fluid? Teach your child the difference between getting someone IN trouble and getting them OUT of trouble. If your son wants to tell you about how his sister took his ball to get her in trouble, teach him to use his voice to communicate his desires and feelings to his sister. Teach him to say, "I don't like it when you take my ball. I want you to give it back." Be there with him when he speaks to his sister to make sure his words are heard. If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. "Mom, I see danger," "Shannon needs help," or "Trouble alert" work well as clues that danger is lurking. They feel afraid, angry, sad, hurt, or frustrated. Teach your children to communicate their feelings. Use feeling words in their presence often so they develop a broad-based feeling vocabulary. Say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now," "I get scared when I climb on the roof," or "I'm disappointed that the rain washed out my softball game." By using feeling words yourself, you help your children learn about their own feelings and the need to express them. You give them permission to have feelings and teach them the names for those feelings so they are more likely to articulate them in the future. Tell your youngster, "You seem really angry with your brother right now. Why not tell him how angry you get when he marks on your paper?" Say to your teen, "Sounds to me like you are deeply disappointed that your dad wasn't there on time. It might be helpful to him and to you to communicate that to him." Finding and learning how to use their own voice is a lifelong process for children. By implementing the above strategies with respect, patience, and understanding, we help our children gain skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll- free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com . Visit www.thomashaller.com , www.chickmoorman.com , and www.10commitments.net . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

The Five Mistakes Parents Make Helping New Grads Find Their Perfect Career Path by Leslie Godwin, MFCC www.LeslieGodwin.com What parent doesn't want their graduating child to get a good job and have a great life? The problem is that most parents make five mistakes that will add years to the time they can turn their child's room into a guest room. They may make it even more difficult for their children to enjoy their careers in the years to come. So how can parents:* Avoid the mistakes most parents make when helping their child choose a career path? * Help their child have the right approach to their career search, and eventually marriage and family? * Avoid having a 23 year old couch potato in their living room in a few years? Here are five common mistakes that parents make in their efforts to help their grads find the right career path, and some tips to avoid them: Don't let your anxiety cause you to advise your child to choose a "safe" career path. Anxious parents advise their child to be overly sensible in career choices so that they don't have to worry as much. They respond to their child's ideas by noting, "That won't pay the bills" and advise them to "be realistic." This means that their child won't take what might be the only opportunity in their life to explore what they feel is their calling, try out different ideas, and learn from their experiences. Don't hover. Hovering is a great way to wind up with a 23-year-old couch potato. Children need to be self-motivated and deal with natural consequences. Instead, whenever your child is really interested in an issue, BE CURIOUS. Ask him to tell you more about it. Don't jump to ways he can turn this interest into a job. (He can get a "day job" to earn some money while pursuing his interest, if necessary.) Simply FOLLOWING UP ON AN INTEREST is the goal if your child seems unmotivated or unsure about how to take this important step. Don't guide your child toward a prestigious job so you can brag to your friends. Actually, parents do this because they believe that if their child is outwardly successful, they'll be happy, even though external success has almost nothing to do with feeling fulfilled. The bragging is just a side-benefit. Don't lecture. Be a role model. Do what you love (especially parenting) with enthusiasm, curiosity, and passion. Your child will learn how to do something they love from your example. Don't pressure daughters to find a career path that will prevent them from being a stay-at-home-mom. Telling your daughter that "she can be anything she wants to be" is great. But what if she wants to be a stay-at-home-mom someday? There are certain careers that don't allow the flexibility to take several years off or work part-time from home. Some examples are partner in most law firms, physician, and many jobs in the entertainment industry. Whether or not you were a stay-at-home-parent, encourage them to consider full-time parenthood once they are married and ready for children. If they can bring up a child, they'll be well-qualified for just about anything when they resume their career path! Finding the right career path means staying in touch with your intuition and noticing what you are drawn toward. Being overly concerned about security or status, and being afraid of rejection, gets in the way of following your calling and seeing where it leads. And in my opinion, a calling isnsup1;t something a parent can have control over since it comes from a higher place than any of us. It's a lot easier to figure out a way to make a living doing what you love, than it is to figure out what you love when you're in your 40's with a family and you barely remember what you were once passionate about. So let your children stay in touch with what they care about and they'll eventually figure out how to turn that into an income. You may find that having a happy adult child with a meaningful career is something to brag about! Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, " From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life " published by Health Communications. For more information, go to www.LeslieGodwin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Parent#146;s Report Card Time by Lesley Spencer, MSc A friend recently told me that he took his son out for a burger. While they were eating, his son said, #147;Dad, do you know why I am eating so slow?#148; His dad said, #147;No. Why?#148; And his son replied, #147;So I can have more time with you.#148; Wow. Those are powerful, thought-provoking words. Kids need their parents. Kids desire their parents. They want our attention. They want our affection. And kids need our unconditional love and acceptance. How are you doing in that area? Maybe its time for us as parents to get a report card. What type of grade would you give yourself in the following areas? And perhaps more importantly, how would your children grade you? Take a moment to grade yourself and if you are up for it, ask your children to grade you as well. I praise my kids when they make good choices. _A _B _C _D _F I look for opportunities to encourage my children. I#146;m their best cheerleader. _A _B _C _D _F I point out their strengths and build up their self-esteem any chance I can. _A _B _C _D _F I comfort them in their disappointments. _A _B _C _D _F I enter into my child#146;s world by sharing time and talking with him or her daily. _A _B _C _D _F I apologize to my kids if I respond in anger or make a mistake as a parent. _A _B _C _D _F I ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions. _A _B _C _D _F I let them know I am a safe place if they need to talk. _A _B _C _D _F I look for teachable moments to teach my kids strong values. _A _B _C _D _F I try to role model healthy, moral choices for my children. _A _B _C _D _F I don#146;t withhold affection, praise or attention from my child as punishment. _A _B _C _D _F I don#146;t put unrealistic expectations on my children. _A _B _C _D _F I discipline in love, not in anger. _A _B _C _D _F I let my children know they are loved unconditionally and without qualification. _A _B _C _D _F A statement that has stayed with me for a long time is #147;Rules without Relationship = Rebellion.#148; Creating and maintaining lasting, deep, trusting relationships with our children is not quick, and it is not easy. But is it worth it? I think you know the answer. There are definitely areas I need to improve in as a parent. How about you? Like our children, we will get another report card. If you need to improve in some areas, take some time to work on them. One thing I make sure to tell my children often is that there is absolutely nothing they can do to make me love them any less. Sure, they can cause me to be disappointed, very disappointed, and even angry. But my love for them will never lessen. And my kids know that. To me, that deserves an #147;A#148;. Lesley Spencer is founder and director of the HBWM.com, Inc. Network which includes: the national association of Home-Based Working Moms ( www.HBWM.com ),Mom#146;s Work-at-Home Kit ( www.WorkAtHomeKit.com ) the eDirectory of Home Based Careers ( http://edirectoryofhomebasedcareers.com ), Mom's Work-at-Home Site ( www.momsworkathomesite.com ) and HBWM Canada ( www.hbwmcanada.com ). She has a Master's Degree in Public Relations and has been featured in numerous publications including Forbes, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Home Office Computing, Parenting, Business Start-Ups, Family PC and many others. She has been working from home for over 10 years and has two children ages 10 and 8. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>