Change Your Language, Change Your Relationship How We Say Things Does Matter By Sharon Rivkin www.sharonrivkin.com That old phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is not really true. Words may not inflict visible bruises like sticks and stones, but they pack a punch nonetheless. They injure our insides, our feelings, and our self-esteem. External bruises are tangible proof that we've been hurt. Internal bruises from verbal attacks are harder to prove, harder to acknowledge, and harder to talk about. Words and how we say them do matter, so it's very important to be careful how you speak to your partner and others. The misuse and carelessness of how you speak are two of the main issues that undermine and can eventually destroy a relationship. There are many positive and compassionate ways to get your point across to someone you care about. For example, a judgmental statement such as, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't say anything to my partner without him/her getting upset," can instead be reframed to "I want to show my partner respect and love by speaking to them with compassion and awareness." That doesn't mean you can't speak your mind, it just means you're being respectful and mindful of another person's feelings and vulnerabilities. It lets your partner know they're not a bad person, but you truly want them to hear you. Use of attacking language, such as "You're a jerk," "You always," "You never...," is guaranteed to get a negative response from your partner who has no choice but to be react defensively. When communicating, keep the following four tips in mind: Use "I" statements. Have compassion for yourself and your partner. Listen before you speak. Speak as you would like to be spoken to. Another example of reframing negative, judgmental language to positive and compassionate language includes: Your partner is angry and yells at you for no reason. You could say, "Shut up, you're always yelling at me for no reason. You're awful!" OR you could say: "It's not okay to talk to me that way. I don't deserve it and it is hurtful." Because this is a more neutral and uncharged way of speaking than the first accusatory example, it's going to be much easier for your partner to hear you, to reply in an understanding manner, and maybe even change his/her behavior. You're speaking your feelings without raking your partner over the coals. Good communication means expressing your feelings without making another person defensive. What this ultimately means is taking responsibility for your feelings and expressing them in a way that is clear without blame, shame, or damage. The goal is to speak with consciousness and awareness. Remember...when we are compassionate in the way we speak, we can say even the hardest things to someone and still communicate our caring, love, and displeasure - altogether. Therefore, before you speak, remember: LISTEN to yourself. THINK about your partner and use words that he/she will understand. COOL down before you talk. Don't talk in the heat of the moment. Try to express the feelings (hurt, anger, disappointment) that are hiding underneath the shame, blame, self-righteousness and judgment. REMEMBER you want resolution and peace, not necessarily to be RIGHT. KINDNESS and COMPASSION go a long way. Sharon M. Rivkin, Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict , has worked with couples for 27 years. Her unique insight into the first argument was featured in O: The Oprah Magazine and Reader's Digest , and has attracted people throughout the United States and abroad for consultation, workshops, and courses. For more information on Sharon Rivkin and her book, or to contact her, visit www.sharonrivkin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Preparing Your Child for Today's World: 10 Tips for Teaching and Protecting Your Child By Paula Statman www.kidwisecorner.com How do you prepare your to child to navigate safely and confidently in the world, ready to deal with situations and people he or she may encounter? Here are 10 parenting tips to help make the journey a little more effective. Accept your role as your child's protector and teacher. The kinds of issues our children are expected to deal with today are complex and often dangerous. Problems like violence, bullying, and online predators are commonplace in their world. To protect your son or daughter's emotional and physical well-being, you must learn about these and other tough issues and develop the skills to discuss them effectively. Teach your child that he/she has the right to be safe. From the time your child understands words, instill in her the core belief that no one has the right to make her feel threatened or unsafe. This right is non-negotiable and is guaranteed by the United Nations/UNICEF Children's Protections Rights. Prepare - don't scare - your kids. It is easy to get overwhelmed with your worries about your child's safety. But, research shows that if you contaminate what you are trying to teach with your fears, your child won't remember your message, only that you were scared. Practice using moderate language and a matter-of-fact tone when you discuss sensitive issues. Focus on what your child needs to learn rather than why it upsets you. Share your fears and worries with other adults rather than your children. Help your child say 'no.' Did you say no to your parents? Do your kids say no to you? Whether or not your grew up with the right to set verbal boundaries with adults in authority, children need to be empowered with the right to say no to anyone who is acting inappropriately, regardless of their position or power. This is a first step in turning "nice" kids, who are compliant in most situations, in to "safe and strong" kids, who obey adults unless they feel confused or threatened. Teach your child to recognize, trust, and act on her instincts. Help your child respond quickly and self-protectively if he or she gets an inner signal that something is not right. It might be a voice in her head that says "Uh-oh, this isn't OK." Or maybe it's a feeling in the pit of his stomach. Regardless of how the warning alarm sounds, the important thing is that your child be taught to listen to it and not rationalizes a person's behavior or wait for the situation to escalate. Teach and model healthy boundaries in relationships. Beginning with body awareness, children need to learn what a "respectful distance" looks and feels like. They also need to recognize if someone is ignoring their boundaries and what to do about it. The respect that you show for your children's physical and emotional space will set the tone for how they let others treat them. Protect, Prepare, Practice, Praise, and Preview. Use these 5 steps to teach your child skills such as crossing the street safely, riding the bus, walking to school, basically any skill where his safety is at stake. The emphasize is on supervised practice, which allows you to gauge your child's progress and ensures that you don't give him a new privilege or responsibility before he is prepared to handle it successfully. Monitor your child. Protective parenting is not about hovering or being paranoid. It's about being a good observer, supervisor, and sometimes a detective. Listen to and watch your child. Be curious, involved, and ask questions. Notice any changes in her behavior or moods. You want to catch early signs of a budding problem rather than deal with a full-blown crisis. Cultivate your child's self esteem and desirable traits. Be strategic and enthusiastically praise glimpses of behavior that you want to see more of, such as using good judgment or acting responsibly. Your child or teen will pick up on your pleasure in watching him become trustworthy and responsible and will try harder to demonstrate those kinds of behaviors. Tell them you love them. In addition to expressing your love and appreciation when you feel proud of your child, be sure to express your love for no special reason or when the going gets tough. Kids who are loved feel more worthwhile and are less vulnerable to mistreatment by others. Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. is an internationally respected educator, speaker and award-winning author. Her practical, positive approach to raising safe and strong children has benefited hundreds of thousands of parents. Paula is a repeat guest on Oprah and the Today Show , has appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, and is featured in publications such as Parents, Child, Redbook , and USA Today.com. The founder and director KidWISE Institute, Paula lives in Oakland, California with her husband and daughter. Visit www.kidwisecorner.com for more information. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Ten Rules for Talking to Your Children about Grades By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller My teen came home with a poor report cart. How do I talk to her about it? I want to praise my son for his recent grades but I don't want to go overboard. How should I handle it? What do you say to a child who has a decent report card but you know they could do so much better? These are just a few of the questions we have received in recent weeks via email, at workshops, or from clients. These parents, who place a high emphasis on grades, want to know what to say and how to talk to children about the grades and the comments teachers place on their report cards. To that end, we offer the following ten rules for talking to your children about grades. Begin early. Talk with your children about grades before report cards come out. Clearly define what you think about grades and what expectations you have for your children regarding grades from the beginning of their school experience. Don't wait until you hold a report card in your hands before you begin this important communication. Remember, your children are not their grades. Grades are only a partial reflection of who and what they really are, know, and are capable of becoming. Grades measure only what your child's particular school defines as smart. That narrow definition of intelligence does not measure emotional intelligence, spontaneity, integrity, trustworthiness, fortitude, sensitivity, creativity and a host of other important characteristics. Rewards are ineffective if a love of learning is your goal. Paying kids ten dollars for each A, treating them to ice cream if they bring home a good report card, or buying a new video game if they get on the honor role promotes only short-term results at best. What getting rewards for grades really teaches children is that you don't study so you can learn and grow, you study so you can get a treat or special concert tickets. You are teaching your children that learning is not the goal; grades are. Move up in consciousness before you move in with action. Take three deep breaths or count to ten before you say anything in response to a report card. Talk to yourself before you talk to the child. Remind yourself that he or she is not his or her grades. He is love and light, a child of God. Remember that what is, is. You cannot change these grades. They are what they are. It is where the child goes from here, what she does with the information that is on the report card, that is important. The next step is the only one that can be taken now. When you have all that in mind and you are emotionally under control, move to action using the following rules for discussing grades. Listen more than talk. When discussing a report card, ask lots of questions. Ask your child: How do you feel about these grades? What do you attribute them to? Were there any surprises on this report card for you? What are you most proud of? Are there any disappointments here for you? What is one goal you have for next time? Be descriptive rather than evaluative. Evaluative words like "good job," "excellent," "superb," "lousy," "pitiful," and "poor" are not helpful. Evaluation does not teach or give the child useful information. Describe what you see and leave the evaluation for the child. "Looks like you're a bit down from last time." "Two teachers mentioned missing assignments." Children who receive a positive report card need affirmation, not evaluation. Affirm what they have accomplished with descriptive comments. "I notice you went up in two classes." "Every one of your teachers said they enjoyed having you in class." Separate the deed from the doer. "I love you and I don't like this report card" helps the child see that it is the results you don't enjoy, not the person. Help your children see that they are not their report card. Likewise, stay away from comments such as, "I love you so much when you bring home a report card like this." This style of communication obviously tells the child that your love is linked to high grades, so if the grades go down so will your love. Focus on solution seeking. Dwelling on what you have defined as a problem brings negative energy to the situation and keeps you stuck in what is. Attention to solution seeking infuses the discussion with positive energy and helps you concentrate on moving things forward to a different ending. Fix the problem rather than fixing blame by searching for solutions. Punishments don't work. Consequences and natural outcome do. What are natural consequences of poor grades? Having a tutor work with you on Saturday mornings. Going to a learning specialist three days a week after school. Investing part of your summer retaking a class. Explain to your child that "opportunity equals responsibility." When the responsibility stays up (a satisfactory report card), so does the opportunity to choose your own activities on Saturday mornings. When the responsibility drops, so does the opportunity. Communicate positive expectations. One of the best things you can do for your children is to expect their success and communicate that to them. Use surprise talk when presented with a negative report card. "Wow. This is surprising," and "I never expected this" are ways to communicate that you hold higher expectations of them than the report card reflects. When they bring home a positive report card, use surprise talk in a different way. "Knowing you the way I do, this type of report doesn't surprise me." "This doesn't surprise me. Not after the way I have seen you study and prepare for tests. Congratulations." Report cards come home several times a year. You will have more than one opportunity to use these rules with your children. When you do use them, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than anything written on their report card. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Teaching the Attraction Principle to Children: Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers to Help Children Manifest a Better World. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

7 Tips for Hiring a Babysitter By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman You've heard the advice. "Take some time for yourselves. Create a date night. Hire a babysitter and spend quality quiet time together." Your friends have told you that. So have your closest relatives. Perhaps a counselor has recommended the same thing. So you're convinced and ready to proceed. Get out the phone book and call a sitter. But wait! It's not that easy. Finding a babysitter who has a similar parenting style to your own is no easy task. More and more parents are finding this out and struggling to find a compatible, reputable babysitter, even if it's for a few hours a month. Some, aware of the recent news stories about incompetent child care, are consumed with fear and anxiety around leaving their children in the hands of a complete stranger. If concern about quality babysitting is on your heart and mind, the following tips can help you in your search as well as relieve anxiety while you're out. Do your homework. Take your time in this important search. Ask neighbors, friends, co-workers for recommendations. Check and double check their back ground and reputation. Find out if the person you are considering has taken child care classes, infant CPR certification, or training of any kind. There is no need to rush into finding a babysitter. Take your time. Look outside your immediate family. Resist the temptation to let an aunt or cousin watch your children without giving the same scrutiny to them as you would a stranger. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who baby sit have all been known to molest children. Being a dear relative does not exempt someone from incompetence, a poor attitude, or consuming self-interest. Consider hiring a younger babysitter that you can train. Begin by hiring a "mother's helper" to come to your home to play with your child while you are home. You can observe the young person's interaction with your child, offer suggestions when situations arise, and model how you want the care of your child to take place. You can then extend the length and breadth of the young sitters role as their experience increases. Clarify the babysitter's role. Be specific and direct about your expectations for them. Remind your babysitter that safety is your primary concern while your child is in their care. You do not want their focus scattered on other responsibilities. You may have to tell your babysitter that your child must be in view at all times. Point our specific dangers, such as where the poison chemicals are kept in your home, the steep back steps, or the closeness of the road to where some neighborhood children play ball, etc. Leave the number for the poison control center by the phone, both upstairs and downstairs. Show the babysitter where you keep the ipecac syrup in case vomiting needs to be induced. Remember safety first. Instruct the babysitter to ignore the phone and television. These are obvious distracters. It only takes a few seconds for a child to enter into a dangerous situation. Remind the sitter that you are hiring them to interact with your child and be the adult present in their life while you are gone. One cannot be fully present while watching TV or talking on the phone. Leave your babysitter a list of fun activities that your children like to do. Set it up so that your children enjoy the babysitter coming over to play with them. Make it an event to remember with fun games and activities. If the babysitter doesn't want to get down on the ground and play with your kids, get a different sitter. When you find a good babysitter - keep them happy! Find out their favorite snacks/food and have them available. Write a thank you card to your babysitters a couple of times a year. When you can, give them a bonus, extra money, holiday or birthday gift. Do what you can to show your appreciation. Consider positioning your babysitter as a valued member of your family. They can be an iatrical part in helping you raise your children. The steps you take to find that person can give you a much needed parenting break, ease your anxiety and create fun for your children too. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Teaching The Attraction Principle to Children . They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Are you Tired? Lack of Sleep is Hazardous to your Health By Michael Esposito, MD www.mikeespositomd.com Nearly forty percent of Americans don't get enough sleep every night and they're paying the price. Recent studies show adults need eight hours of sleep a night and children about nine to eleven depending on their age. A large percentage of adults are sleeping less than six hours a night. The lack of sleep leads to decreased job performance, poor interpersonal relationships and above all, poor overall health. The health risks associated with lack of sleep are both immediate and chronic. The most important acute problem faced by the sleep deprived is motor vehicle collision. The government estimates one hundred thousand accidents and one thousand, five hundred deaths are caused annually by people falling asleep behind the wheel. The most common offenders are young people in their late teens and early twenties. The chronic health problems faced by the sleepy affect both the mind and body. Chronically depriving the brain of sleep can be compared to chronic vitamin deficiency or chronic malnutrition for the body. The brain will have decreased functioning or will fail to grow to its potential. The body suffers and chronic sleep depravation has been associated with sleep apnea, diabetes, heart disease, depression and many other chronic conditions. Studies suggest the relationship is bidirectional with these ailments. For example, lack of sleep leads to sleep apnea and depression as well as the reverse. The mechanisms are not completely understood currently. The role of sleep is not completely understood but much is known. While sleeping, the brain processes information and stores memories, muscles and organs regenerate and the body's regulatory hormones are released. Sleep is necessary for normal homeostasis. Animals deprived of sleep will die and people who have less than six hours of sleep have death rates two times higher than the regular population. There are many reasons why Americans are sleep deprived. Many of these reasons are under our control and can be adjusted for with lifestyle changes. These changes include not doing choirs right before bed, not working up until bed time and not watching television in bed. The specific sleep disorders such as insomnia and their treatments are too detailed for this article. Anyone interested can find information online including the National Sleep Foundation which is a non-profit organization created to treat sleep disorders. Your doctor can help or can refer you to a local sleep study center for treatment. My suggestion is to take a different approach to your life. Set aside eight and a half hours for sleep every night. The extra half hour is needed for a well rested person about fifteen minutes to fall asleep. If you are falling right to sleep then you are probably sleep deprived. After setting aside this time for sleeping, you have about fifteen and a half hours to do everything else. Trim those other things so you can preserve your sleep. You will feel better and be healthier. You wouldn't starve your body of food then why deprive your brain of sleep? Mike Esposito graduated with BS from University of Florida. Mike continued his Graduate Education in Nuclear engineering. He then entered Medical school at the University of South Florida. He then completed a four year radiology residency at USF and a subsequent fellowship in Neuroradiology at Duke University. Mike now is in private practice radiology in the Tampa area. He is married to wife, Kay with whom he has four children. For more information please visit www.mikeespositomd.com . Listen to Mike's radio show RadioMD at www.webtalkradio.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

When Your Child is the Bully: Five Important Issues to Address By Derek Randel www.stoppingschoolviolence.com "The phone rang one night last week and it was Mr. Scott, my son's math teacher. He was informing me that my son, Ben, was hitting other students and even threatened Mr. Scott. In our home, we do not like this math teacher very much because he is always picking on Ben. Why would my son bully anyone? We are an affluent and loving family." If a teacher calls home with these concerns, should a parent be upset with the teacher? Should they immediately take their child's side? Why would they listen to a teacher and assume that the teacher is correct? Unfortunately, this is what is happening too often. Maybe we should consider there might be some truth in what the teacher is calling you about. If your child's teacher calls telling you that your child is bullying others and threatening the teacher, then this needs to be a wake up call. I would recommend to any parent if they're told their child is a bully to look for the following: Uncontrolled anger, history of discipline problems, intolerance for differences, violent or aggressive behavior, expression of violence in writings or drawings, cruelty to animals, and destruction of property. These are just a few of numerous telling behaviors. Threatening a teacher should get your attention and get the child expelled. Over a five-year period in the United States, 1.3 million teachers were victims to non-fatal crimes at school. This is a growing problem that needs to be addressed. In Ontario, Canada, 40% of teachers report being bullied by students. In Finland, nearly one in five Finnish teachers and one in three principals are targeted with bullying and mental violence by students' parents. In the United Kingdom, 61% of teachers have experienced verbal insults and threats and 34% had been subjected to "physical aggression". This is a serious problem that no parent should take lightly. Five steps to take: Discuss the topic of firearms The easy access to firearms has led to numerous school shootings and accidental shootings. It would seem like a common sense move to keep them away from children. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. You must talk to your child about this topic. Owning a gun is fine. However, they need to be locked and placed in a secure location. Having trigger locks is also a good idea. The topic MUST be brought up in discussions with your children. Control the amount of violent television shows and video games. There's evidence that people become less sensitive to violence after observing it over and over. When children play violent video games for an extended period of time, the following can occur: Tendency to be more aggressive More likely to have confrontation with their teachers Possibly encourage fights with their peers Decline in school achievements Increases in aggressive behavior because violent acts are continually repeated throughout the video game. Repetition has long been considered an effective teaching method in reinforcing learning patterns. The interactive quality of video games differs from passively viewing television or movies because it allows players to become active participants in the game's script. Players are rewarded for their violent acts by moving up levels resulting in playing for longer time periods. Parenting skills can be addressed Most of the time, bullies are also victims and it could be coming from the home. Are you, your spouse, or a sibling a bully at home? Does your child frequently get criticized at home? Is there an abusive parent in the home? Does anyone yell or use name-calling or put-downs? Many times we do not recognize the habits we have. However, addressing our parenting can make life much more enjoyable for all. Address supervision Is there a lack of supervision at home? Maybe the child has too much time alone. Children get into more trouble between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. because of having too much free time. Limit your child's unsupervised time. Also, spend more time with your child and their friends by inviting their friends over while you're home. Work with the schools, not against the schools Meet with school officials. Let them know there is a problem and ask them, "How can we work together to solve this?" Realize this may just be a wake up call that should be stopped before it becomes a huge habit. Working together with the teacher and principal should be more helpful than working against each other and passing the blame. This is extremely important because we won't have to face this situation alone. They may have dealt with this topic numerous times in the past. Yes, your child could be a bully. We want to prepare our children for the real world and not protect them from it. Bailing your child out from consequences can lead to you needing to bail him out of jail in the future. Students must be held accountable for their actions. Derek Randel is a parent coach who speaks nationally on how to remove the yelling from your home and how to protect your child/student from bullying and school violence. Derek has been seen on many television shows and is heard on radio shows around the country. He is the author of Stopping School Violence and was nominated for a Disney American Teacher Award. He also is a certified stepfamily coach through the Step-Family Foundation. For more information visit www.stoppingschoolviolence.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

When Parent#146;s Disagree on Discipline By Armin Brott www.mrdad.com Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I discipline our children in very different ways. Oftentimes it leads to us arguing in front of them. What can we do to prevent this? A: When parents have different disciplining styles, there#146;s bound to be dissention and arguing. Tension#146;s a given anytime two or more people work on the same project but each take a different approach. Co-parenting is similar to any other partnership. Each person brings to the table what#146;s been learned along the way. As parents, we#146;re influenced by the disciplinary approaches we experienced growing up, and we tend to apply them to our children#151;often without first talking them through with our partner. Imagine a baseball team#151;eager to win a game#151;but guided by two coaches who follow different rules and dish out contradictory information. Imagine the tension and the reactions of the players as they witness the coaches quarreling. When you and your wife fight in front of the children, you may not be aware of the ways in which they are affected. Some children may learn #147;that must be the way people resolve conflicts.#148; Others may learn how to play one parent against the other, which causes even more confusion and distress in the family. The bottom line? You and your wife should try to get on the same page. That#146;s the best way to stop arguing with your kids as witnesses. Here are some strategies that can be helpful: Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted. Make a commitment both to honor and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you#146;re feeling and later share it with your partner, who might better understand where you#146;re coming from. Create your own family #147;rulebook.#148; Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn#146;t. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines. Consider taking a few parenting classes together. That way you#146;ll have a common parenting experience to draw on. Hearing how other people parent (and why) can give a fresh perspective on what you want for your own family. Even though we may have learned how to parent from our parents, as adults we benefit from learn new skills. Seek a professional third party if you can#146;t find ways to work together in the areas you want to improve. Sometimes an outside perspective helps us understand the underlying reasons for disagreements. Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your wife have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations#151;with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You also be successful at ending arguments in front of the children if you really want to . It won#146;t be easy, but it will be rewarding. And your children will be the ultimate winners. Having said all that, it#146;s important not to go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids#151;and then resolving them peacefully#151;can actually be good for them; it shows that it#146;s possible to disagree with someone you love, and that relationships don#146;t end just because people are quarreling with each other. Armin Brott bestselling books including the recent release Fathering Your School Age Child have helped millions of men around the world become the fathers they want to be#151;and their children need them to be. His most recent is Fathering Your School-Age Child. Armin has been a guest on hundreds of radio and television shows , writes a nationally syndicated column, #147;Ask Mr. Dad,#148; and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family live in Oakland, California. For more information visit www.mrdad.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

"Pick Me Up Mommy" Ten Reasons to Hold Your Toddler By Joanne Baum Some parents begin to think that toddlers shouldn't be held as much as they were holding their babies a few months ago. But I think that's largely a misperception. Toddlers still need a lot of holding. Think of life from their perspective: They've just discovered a whole perspective on the world from their legs instead of their knees. They can see more, climb more, explore more - which is heady fun stuff and scary to them when they touch more things that go "crash" and break or fall and thump. They need reassurance that where their brains are taking them is safe. They need more explanations of the new encounters they don't understand. And they need holding and nurturing so they feel safe and can go back out there and explore some more... Why They Need "Arm Time" They need reassurance that where their brains are taking them to is safe. They need explanations for the new experiences they don't understand. They need holding and nurturing so they feel safe and can go back out there and explore some more. Toddlers still have "needs" for closeness and holding. Toddlers are not as independent creatures as they may seem at times. Toddlers are still very young and holding, when they ask for it, it's still important to do with a generous heart. Parents are feeding their child's self-esteem, confidence, trust, and sociability by holding them when they ask for it. A child usually asks for holding when they need some security, closeness and human connection. The world is still a pretty foreign place to them and that need for human connection, to feel secure; to feel safe is important to their developing beings. If you hold a toddler with resentment, or mixed feelings, the toddler will feel your unwillingness and that may make him feel more insecure and want to be held more - so when you do hold your child, hold your child lovingly, willingly and with compassion and a desire to give that child exactly what she needs. I think toddlerhood is too young to stop a child from asking for "uppys" It's a time to willingly give uppys. If your child is too heavy for you, then tell your child you'd love to cuddle with him on the coach or in a comfy chair instead of holding him as you walk around the house. But give your child the cuddles he/she is asking for them. You're nurturing your child and it's good for your child to get those needs for nurturing met. If it feels like it's "too much" for you, ask yourself if you've been ignoring or neglecting your child's requests for other kinds of attention, or pre-occupied with work/personal things and unable to give your child as much as your child needs...If so, realize that your young child needs a lot from you. When you became a parent, hopefully you signed on for becoming and being a great parent, not just a barely adequate one. Feel good that your child feels safe enough to ask you for 'uppys'. Also, remember - this parenting thing goes really fast. Before you know it your child won't be asking for "uppy" anymore. And before you know it you'll be fondly remembering the cuddly times and wishing your child wanted more cuddles. By adolescence, you won't be cuddling nearly as often and that comes sooner than you think when you're looking at your toddler and wondering if your body will ever be yours again. Joanne Baum, PhD., LCSW, has been a therapist, parenting coach, educator, and writer for over thirty years. Her latest book, Got the Baby Where's the Manual?!? won the 2007 IPPY Gold Medal in Parenting. You can find more information on her web-site: www.respectfulparenting.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Your Personal Productivity Personality and Self-Sabotage By Laura Stack, The Productivity Pro reg; www.TheProductivityPro.com Have you ever considered that your biggest obstacle to finding more time might be YOU? The way you react to the world may be the reason you stay overwhelmed. To fix this you need to look at your behavior, habits, and choices, and then figure out which ones to adjust in order to support your desired direction in life. Here are a few tips that can help you do just that. Control perfectionism. Realize that some things are good enough as they are. Instead of worrying about making things perfect, learn to leave well enough alone. Obsessing over small details can be deadly to your productivity. Refuse requests when appropriate. You don't have to say "yes" to everything, whether that involves accepting extra work or baking brownies for a kid's party. Set boundaries about what you'll accept, and learn to say no to yourself, too. Ask for help you need it. You're not a superhero; you can't do everything alone. Surround yourself with a team of helpers, and don't be afraid to delegate things that other people can do. Avoid procrastinating. You know what you should be doing, so get out there and do it. If you put it off until tomorrow, you'll just end up working harder at the last minute -- and both your energy and quality of work will suffer. Know and honor your energy levels throughout the day. Nobody has an unlimited supply of energy, so you'll have to learn how your personal energy levels ebb and flow in order to get through the day effectively. Communicate clearly to avoid confusion and rework. Good interpersonal communication will help you reduce unnecessary problems and wasted time. Share information, state your expectations up front, and be specific. Consistently meet and usually beat deadlines. If you get things done on time -- or preferably early -- you'll save yourself unnecessary stress, and your work will generally be of higher quality than if you waited until the last minute. Focus on completing one task before getting distracted by another. When you turn your full attention to a task, your output is increased, you perform better, less rework is required, and your peace of mind is enhanced. Maintain a positive attitude. Accept the responsibility for your own stress levels. While you can't control everything, you can look for the good in every experience, and learn to avoid "stinking thinking" in all its many forms. Stop trying to please all the people all of the time. Stop caring so much about what other people think. Being a people-pleaser is a debilitating pattern of behavior that can cause stress and ruin the productive pursuit of your own goals. As singer Ricky Nelson once pointed out, "You can't please everyone, so you have to please yourself." So take charge of your life. Learn to focus, stop beating around the bush, and don't be too proud to ask for and accept help if you need it. Most of all, kick the guilt habit. Guilt is a junk emotion that keeps you from unlocking your true potential. Stop "shoulding" on yourself, and get on with your life! copoy;2008 Laura Stack. Laura Stack ( www.TheProductivityPro.com ) is a professional speaker who helps busy workers Leave the Office Earlierreg; with Maximum Results in Minimum Time#8482;. She is the president of The Productivity Proreg;, Inc., a time management company in Denver, Colorado, that caters to high-stress industries. Laura is the bestselling author of the books Find More Time (2006) and Leave the Office Earlier (2004). Her newest productivity book, The Exhaustion Cure (2008, Broadway Books), is available for pre-order at Amazon.com. Laura is a spokesperson for Microsoft, 3M, and Day-Timersreg;, Inc and has been featured on the CBS Early Show, CNN, and the New York Times. Her clients include Cisco Systems, Sunoco, KPMG, Nationwide, and Microsoft.Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

The Boy Who Saved Thousands of Lives By Reg Green On the night, thirteen years ago, that my seven-year-old son, Nicholas, was shot we were on vacation, driving along the main road in Southern Italy between Naples and Sicily. He was asleep, propped up on the back seat next to his sister, four-year-old Eleanor, and I, driving beside my wife, Maggie, probably thought, as I often did on these long car rides: "How can anyone be this happy?" All this changed when a car that had been following us, instead of overtaking, ran alongside for a few seconds and through the night we heard loud, angry, savage cries - the words indistinguishable but clearly telling us to stop. It seemed to me that if we did stop we would be completely at their mercy. So instead I accelerated. They accelerated too. I floored the car, they floored theirs and the two cars raced alongside each other through the night. A few seconds later, any illusions that this was just a reckless prank vanished, as a bullet shattered the window where the two children were sleeping. Maggie turned around to make sure they were safe. Both appeared to be sleeping peacefully. A second or two later, the driver's window was blown in. But by now, we were beginning to pull away and at last they disappeared back into the night. It turned out later that they had mistaken our rental car, with its Rome license plates, for another that was delivering jewelry to stores. We raced on, looking for somewhere with lights and people. As it happened, there had been an accident on the road and the police were already there. I stopped the car and got out. The interior light came on but Nicholas didn't move. I looked closer and saw his tongue was sticking out and there was a trace of vomit on his chin. One of those bullets had hit him in the head. Over the next two days his brain slowly died and all the brightly-colored dreams of a young idealist, who had planned to do such deeds as the world has never known, died too. For a while, Maggie and I sat silently, holding hands, and trying to absorb the finality of it all. I remember thinking, "How am I going to get through the rest of my life without him?" Never to run my fingers through his hair again, never to hear him say, "Goodnight, Daddy." Then one of us - we don't remember who but, knowing her, I feel sure it was Maggie - said, "Now that he's gone, shouldn't we donate the organs?" The other one said "yes," and that's all there was to it. It was just so obvious: he didn't need that body anymore. There were seven recipients, four of them teenagers and two others the parents of young children. One, Andrea, was a boy of 15 who had had five operations on his heart, all of which had failed. By now, he could scarcely walk to the door of his apartment. Domenica had never seen her baby's face clearly. Francesco, a keen sportsman, could no longer see his children play games. Two of the teenagers, Anna-Maria and Tino, had been hooked up to dialysis machines for years to ward off kidney failure, four hours a day, three days a week, and already aware that they might never become adults. Silvia was a diabetic who was going blind, had been in multiple comas and couldn't walk without help. Finally, there was a vivacious 19-year old girl, Maria Pia, who was in her final coma from liver failure. Since then, all seven have had new lives. To think of just one of them: Maria Pia, who bounced back to health, married in the full bloom of womanhood and has had two children, a boy and a girl - two whole lives that would never have been. And, yes, she named her boy Nicholas. More than that, the story captured the imagination of the world. In Italy alone, organ donation rates have tripled, so that thousands of people are alive, many of them children, who otherwise would have died. Obviously, an increase of that magnitude - not even remotely approached in other developed countries - must have a variety of causes, but it seems clear that Nicholas' story was a catalyst that changed the attitude of an entire nation. Organ donation goes beyond even life-saving surgery, however, to a new level of understanding. A young woman from Rome wrote this to us: "Since when your son has died, my heart is beating faster. I think that people, common persons, can change the world. When you go to the little graveyard place please say this to him, 'They closed your eyes, but you opened mine.' " Reg Green is the father of Nicholas Green, a seven-year-old California boy who was shot in Italy in a botched robbery in 1994. The decision by Reg and his wife, Maggie, to donate his organs led to a worldwide increase in awareness of the shortage of donors. Since then the Greens have campaigned around the world, producing documentaries, writing articles and giving speeches. A made-for-television movie, "Nicholas' Gift," starring Jamie Lee Curtis, was made of their story. Reg, who was born in Britain, is a journalist and has written two books, "The Nicholas Effect" and "The Gift that Heals." Reg Green has just written a new book, called "The Gift that Heals." For more information visit www.nicholasgreen.org . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>