10 Tips for Helping Your Child Adjust to School By Dr. Laura Markham www.yourparentingsolutions.com So she's off to school every morning now, like a big kid. But instead of the exuberance you expected, you find many days - especially Monday -- starting with tears, or maybe a tummy-ache. Don't worry, it's not unusual for kids to need a little extra help adjusting to the start of school. What can you do? 1. Facilitate your child's bonding with the teacher. Kids need to transfer their attachment focus to their teacher to be ready to learn. If you notice that your child doesn't feel good about his teacher, contact her immediately. Just explain that he doesn't seem to have settled in yet, and you hope she can make a special effort to reach out to him so he feels at home. Any experienced teacher will understand and pay extra attention to him for a bit. 2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids. Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she's noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask him which kids he'd like to invite over to play. If he isn't comfortable with how the other child would respond to a playdate invitation, you can always invite the mom with her kid for ice cream after school, or the entire family for Friday night dinner. You don't need anything fancier than pasta, and by the end of the meal, the kids will be racing around the house like long lost buddies. And who knows? Maybe you and the mom will hit it off. 3. Give your child a way to hold onto you during the day. For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. Develop a parting ritual, such as a hug and a saying: "I love you, you love me, have a great day and I'll see you at 3!" Most kids like a laminated picture of the family in their pencil box. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note, or a pebble you found on the beach together. 4. Calm her fears. Most school anxiety is caused by worries that adults might find silly, such as the fear that you'll die or disappear while she's at school. Point out that naturally people who love each other don't like parting, but she'll have fun, you'll be absolutely fine, the school can always contact you, and your love is always with her even when you aren't. End every conversation with the reassurance "You know I ALWAYS come back" so she can repeat this mantra to herself if she worries. 5. Stay connected. Make sure that every day after school you have special time with your big girl to hear all about her day, whether it's a 3pm snack or a long snuggle after lights-out. 6. Be alert for signs about why your child is worried. Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue: he's being bullied, or can't see the blackboard, doesn't understand anything, and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about his day, listen deeply, and reflect what he tells you so he'll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can be helpful. Offer your own positive school stories ("I was so nervous the first week I couldn't even use the bathroom at school but then I met my best friend Maria and I loved first grade") and the assurance that he'll feel right at home soon. If you sense a bigger issue that you can't unearth, it's time to call the teacher. 7. Ease the transition. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, use your goodbye routine and reassure her that she'll be fine and you'll be waiting at the end of the day. If she continues to have a hard time separating, see if the teacher can give her a special job every morning to ease the transition. 8. Make sure you're a few minutes early to pick your child up. Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties. 9. Downplay the time younger kids spend with you at home. If a younger sibling is at home with you, be sure your older child knows how boring it is at home and how much the younger sib wishes she could go to big kids' school. 10. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes and peaceful mornings. If you have to wake your kids in the morning, they aren't getting enough sleep. Kids who aren't well-rested don't have the internal resources to cope with goodbyes, much less the rigors of the school day. Start moving bedtime earlier every night by having him read in bed before lights out, which also improves his reading. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start. Dr. Laura Markham is the founding editor of the parenting web site www.yourparentingsolutions.com , featuring a popular advice column and parent-tested solutions you can use every day to connect with your kids and create a richer family life. Dr. Markham specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's kids. Her work appears regularly on a dozen parenting sites and in print; you can tune in to her biweekly chats on Wednesdays at Pregnancy.org. Dr. Markham speaks frequently in the New York area, where she lives with her husband, eleven year old daughter, and fifteen year old son. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Bend Your Candy not Your Safety Rules By Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. www.kidwisecorner.com For many children Halloween is the most exciting night of the year. Imagine what it means to kids today who are raised to be cautious about strangers. On this magical night, not only can they accept candy from strangers, they can ask them for candy! It is natural to want our kids to enjoy the same freedom we had. But these days it's better to bend your candy rules for a night than to set aside personal safety practices. Good safety is part of the privilege of trick or treating without adult supervision. Here are some guidelines to use with grade school and middle school age children who will be going out on their own: Prior to Halloween, make some rules and get your child's commitment to follow them. Some examples: "Follow the designated, pre-approved route." Everyone should know the route and your kids should agree to stay on it. If you need to find them in a hurry, you want to know exactly where to look. "Cross only in the cross walks." Give them flashlights, make sure their costumes can be seen at night and remind them to watch for cars. "Do not go inside people's homes; stay in open doorways." Sometimes people invite children in. Tell your kids to say that they want to stay on the doorstep. "Bring your candy home untouched." You will check it before they eat it. Toss out unwrapped candy, open boxes or any treat that looks suspicious. If you aren't sure your children will follow these rules, you can set up check points by phone. Give your children a cell phone and let them know you will be checking in at agreed upon intervals. Another alternative if you are uneasy about your children going out unsupervised is to postpone the privilege another year. Give them more time to develop responsible behavior. Tell them you will walk behind them or across the street and will be discreet. Make sure they can handle whatever or whomever they encounter. Before you decide it's OK to let your kids go out on their own, have some "What if?" discussions to find out if they are willing and able to make safe decisions when unsupervised. What would you do if some bigger and older kids took your candy? What would you do if somebody dared you to smash a jack-o-lantern? What would you do if someone told you that the best house for candy was off the route we agreed on? People are friendlier on Halloween but the same rules about strangers apply. Tell your kids that if anyone acts too friendly or familiar - with offers of candy or a ride to a 'really cool house that has the best treats in town' or asks where they live - they need to get away and tell an adult that someone is bothering them. Tell them they can ask for help at any house that is welcoming trick or treaters. Send your child out with at least 2 buddies. Older kids like to travel in packs on Halloween night. Your job is to find out who is in the pack before you say yes. You have some say in your child's choices. For example, you have the right and responsibility to veto a trick or treat partner who has had run-ins with the police on Halloween, has bullied younger children or has vandalized homes. You need to know if your child is with a group who will egg each other on or will egg peoples' houses. Also, the later it gets, the more dares kids take. Set a curfew to reduce the risk of your child's involvement in behavior that may land him or her in trouble. Finally, as you review the rules for Halloween night remember this: share useful safety tips in a helpful not fearful way. The ghosts and witches walking down the sidewalk are scary enough. Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. is an internationally respected educator, speaker and award-winning author. Her practical, positive approach to raising safe and strong children has benefited hundreds of thousands of parents. Paula is a repeat guest on Oprah and the Today Show , has appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, and is featured in publications such as Parents, Child, Redbook , and USA Today.com. The founder and director KidWISE Institute, Paula lives in Oakland, California with her husband and daughter. For more information visit www.kidwisecorner.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Emotional Development is the Software By Sally Sacks www.SallySacks.com Just like a car needs gas to run, we need food to run our bodies and minds. The difference between a car and our minds, is that we have emotions, feelings and thoughts. Cars don't. We also need fuel to run our minds effectively to deal with the challenges, disappointments, roadblocks and stop signs of life. Emotional development -- teaching kids to feel comfortable with themselves, their feelings and thoughts -- is the fuel for brain and mind development. If you don't help your child develop in this way, they will limp through life, missing stop signs, danger signs and turn left notifications. They will be unable to unload the feelings that pile up in the body, because they won't know how to cope with them. They will drink to deal, use drugs to deal, be closed and disconnected, work endlessly to avoid feeling, and have cavemen conversations, like, "huh/what? Talk to you later." No substance, no depth, surface lives, surface chatter, surface relations with others. So what is emotional development? It is noticing what someone isn't saying. If your child brings home a bad grade, you notice that, and maybe make an assumption that they didn't study, and you might ground them. Emotionally developed people would sit the child down and ask what happened. Are they having trouble in school? Is the work too much, too hard? It isn't making assumptions. You ask a child to wear an outfit and they say no. You reprimand them without questioning why they don't like it. You listen to their opinion. Respecting a person and their ideas and feelings is key. If someone makes a mistake, your goal is to help them learn from it, not criticize them and put them down for their poor thinking. This creates low self esteem. Listening, questioning, caring and showing that through expression, all promote emotional development. Allow kids to have choices and make decisions about dinner, clothing, what they would like to do for the day. Fish for their ideas on school and family. Don't tell them what and how to think. Evaluate their thinking and direct them when their thinking is getting them in trouble. Always explain why. Do not say" because, I said so." That is control, not joining with your child in a joint venture of cooperation and learning. The beauty of children cannot be compared with much in life. They are innocent beings, waiting to get the emotional teachings they need to get by in this world and to meet the most basic of needs, love, communication, freedom, happiness, choice and survival . To promote emotional development you will: Listen to your child, and look at them. Offer affection, touch, love. Set aside time to talk to them about feelings, not just what they did on Tuesday. Inquire about how they feel, regarding a world event, a personal story. Put them to bed with a hug and offer love and security. They all need it. Don't make assumptions by their expressions and behaviors. The angry child wants to talk, and the overly busy one needs attention. Value their ideas and thank them for their input. Honor them, like in Bat /Bar mitzvahs Have a Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in your own way no matter what your faith. Honor their transitions into new stages of life. Ask them questions when you need help. Let them be valuable. Love them, listen to them, dance with them! Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of How to Raise the Next President , a groundbreaking parents' guide to teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they'll need to be happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

What to Do When Your Child is Afraid of Dogs by Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com Whenever Laura sees a dog, she shrieks and clings to her mother's leg. Thomas runs the other way. And Samuel just freezes, wide eyed in terror. Each of these children is afraid of dogs. As parents, we strive to teach our kids how to cope with life and its challenges. Yet some parents mistakenly believe that it is good for a child to be afraid of dogs because then the child will be more cautious around them. It doesn't usually work that way. When children are frightened, they often run, scream and flail. These actions typically bring a dog closer, not keep it away. Dogs can and do bite children on occasion. But it is not as common as you might think, and there are many things you can do to help ensure that your child will not be bitten. The most important is to learn about dog body language and behavior. The more you know about something, the less scary it becomes. Many kids are frightened because they don't know what a dog will do next. Dogs communicate almost entirely through body language. A basic knowledge of body language can help kids to understand a dog's intentions. My favorite resource for teaching kids about canine body language is the Doggone Crazy board game ( www.doggonecrazy.com ). The game includes over 100 playing cards. Each features a color photo of a dog on the front and asks whether it would be safe to approach the dog. The back of each card gives the correct answer and explains why. I especially like that there are a variety of dogs and that each is called by name. I have found that kids are less afraid when they know the dog's name; "Teddy" and "Riley" seem less intimidating than "that collie" or "the wheaten terrier." After you have a basic understanding of body language, start watching dogs from a distance. Park outside a pet supply store and talk about the dogs you see coming and going. Which ones look happy, which look frightened, which have been taught to walk nicely on a lead, which seem like old or young dogs? When your child is very comfortable watching dogs at a distance, try introducing older, calm dogs to your child. Respect her fear and work at her own pace. Don't try to rush or cajole her into doing more than she's comfortable with. Most children will reach out and touch a calm dog's haunches if the owner turns the dog's head away from the child. That's an excellent first step. Talk with your child about how the dog's fur feels. Ask her if she thinks other dogs' fur would be softer or more rough. Get her thinking about that one dog as an individual. Ask the owner to talk about some of the dog's favorite activities. Work toward having your child give the dog cues (with dog's owner ensuring that the dog complies). Seeing a dog respond correctly to what she asks will help her feel safer. It's best for her to work steadily with one dog until she feels very comfortable before adding another. Once she has met and likes three calm, adult dogs, begin thinking about introducing her to a puppy. Puppies are bouncy and outgoing, which can be unnerving for a tentative child. Again, let her start out at a distance, simply observing the puppy's behavior. Talk with her about the ways in which the puppy is similar to and different from the adult dogs she's met. When she is ready, let her approach the puppy. Be sure that adults are there to prevent the puppy from jumping on her; that would set your progress back considerably. Give her treats that she can toss away from herself for the puppy to eat. If she's comfortable, teach her how to lure the puppy into a sit. First, show her how holding a treat in your hand and moving it just barely higher than the puppy's nose in the direction of his tail will cause the puppy to lift his head up and put his haunches down. Do it a few times so she can watch you. Then have her put a treat in her fist and wrap your hand around hers and lure the puppy into a sit. (Still have an adult there to prevent jumping.) Take it slow. It's much better to teach your child to be a skilled observer of animal behavior than it is for her to be thrown into situations that frighten her. With patience and time, she will learn that there are many gentle, social dogs, and she'll be able to interact safely and calmly with new dogs she meets. That's far, far safer than having her remain afraid of all dogs. Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC, author of Living with Kids and Dogs . . . Without Losing Your Mind , is America's Kids and Canines Coach. Colleen has more than 15 years' experience as the go-to person for parents trying to navigate kid-and-dog issues. Because every interaction between a child and a dog can be improved by a knowledgeable adult, Colleen is committed to educating parents, children, and dog owners on kid-and-dog relationships. For more information visit www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

On Being a Long-Distance Friend of a Person with Breast Cancer By Ruth Haag www.RuthHaag.com I met my friend Nancy when we both lived in Findlay, Ohio in the early 1980s. When Nancy moved to North Carolina, we continued our friendship through letters. In a letter from Nancy in November, 1999, she said, "It has been a strange couple of weeks. I found a lump in my breast just before Thanksgiving, went to my doc who decided he couldn't feel it, but I should go for a mammogram anyway. The mammogram showed the lump and then some.....the surgeon did a core biopsy last week and they found the lump was cancerous." Nancy didn't want her illness to be called a "battle" or "fight" she wanted to call it a "chronic disease." Throughout the next four years, she tried her best to keep her life and family the same as it had always been. So what should a friend, far-away, do when their friend has cancer? Send gifts -- Often We decided to send gifts to Nancy. We tried to send something to her at least monthly, but we often sent something every other week. We had so much fun deciding what Nancy might like. It gave us something positive to do, and Nancy liked receiving the gifts. She came to visit us in the summer of 2000, as she was leaving, she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "The gifts are great!" We sent books for her to read, tapes for her to listen to, warm socks in the winter, comfortable lounging clothes, flowers, easy-to-make dinners, and anything that she might mention to us. At one point, she wanted to hang crystals in her dining room window, to create multiple rainbows. We found about a dozen antique crystals of varying shapes and sizes and sent them to her. Be a listener, not a questioner I was once pretty sick, myself, and it was feared that I might die. I got very frustrated that everyone who called me asked first "What did the doctor say today?" I got so tired of repeating the facts and focusing on the illness. When I was talking to Nancy or writing to her, I talked about regular, every-day things. I talked about how my children were, how my work was going. I asked her to help me with things, just as she had always. For example, she reviewed and helped to edit the books that I was writing at that time. I let Nancy decide if she wanted to tell me anything about doctor visits or her symptoms. She normally did, but it was her decision. My family and I miss Nancy greatly, but we also have good memories of those last four years of her life. Ruth Haag ( www.RuthHaag.com ) writes books that help people to understand life as it is, rather than how they think it should be. Her book, "Hope all is well there, Love, Nancy" is a collection of the letters that Nancy Caplan wrote to Ruth during Nancy's last four years of life. Ruth is the CEO/CFO of Haag Environmental Company. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Great Costumes for Less! By Tawra Kellam LivingOnADime.com/ You can really come up with some cute and clever ideas for costumes, even if you don't feel particularly creative. Don't wait until the night before Halloween to start your costumes. Look at the people and things around you and ask yourself how " how can I recreate this?" Look at thrift stores and garage sales for costumes. Go ahead and buy the costume or piece of a costume if the price is right. You really can't go wrong spending $0.25 on a piece of costume. Even if it doesn't work you haven't lost much. Costumes can be very simple and still make a big impact. For example, instead of the usual witch robes, drag out your elegant black dress and add a witch hat with a veil of spider webbing stretched over your face. Cover the spider web with plastic spiders. For a man, a nice suit and tie and a funny mask makes a good simple costume. For a couple: get a REALLY big sweatshirt, both of you get in it and be Siamese twins! Some examples of costumes for kids are: Sunflower - For the body, use a white sleeper or sweatsuit. Paint the child's face yellow, adding black spots to simulate seeds if you like. Make a flower to fit on the child's head out of felt or glue sunflowers on a white hat. Angel - Again use a white sweatsuit or long white dress for the body. Make wings out of heavy white poster board and paint the edges gold. Attach tie straps to them that go around the shoulders. You can also shape a metal clothes hanger into a wing. Make two wings, hot glue fabric around them and add straps. Pea Pod - Cut 2 small foam balls in half with an electric knife or a knife with a serrated blade. (Note: Do this BEFORE attaching them to the child!) Wrap in green fabric and pin them to the front of a green sweat suit. Make a hat out of 2 shades of green felt and a little brown felt for a stem. Lion - Buy a yellow hat or dye a white hat yellow. Buy long brown fake fur, yellow fake fur and a yellow sweat suit. You can get fake fur at your favorite fabric store. Add brown fur to the top of the hat (for a mane), hot-glue yellow fur into a long tail, adding a poof of brown for the end. Pin the tail on the back of the costume. Make an oval of the fur for the child's tummy and use eyeliner for whiskers. Dalmatian - Pin black felt dots onto a pair of white sweats. Paint black polka dots on the child's face. Add more polka dots to a white hat, make some black felt ears and add black shoes to finish it. I Paint, Therefor I Am - Glue a copy of a painting with a face on it on a piece of cardboard. (Ex. Mona Lisa). Cut out the face and then put their face in instead. Race Car Stroller - Decorate a stroller as a race car by adding fabric or paper racing stripes and a number. Add two flashlights for headlights, plus some reflector tape. If you want to get really creative, add a wind foil, a foil covered paper towel roller for an exhaust pipe or whatever else your clever mind conjures up. Cut asteering wheel out of cardboard for the child to hold. Your child can wear whatever clothes he wants. Just add an old helmet or baseball cap worn backwards. Think of themes for all of the kids in the family. It can be fun for all the kids to dress up in costumes that complement each other. Some sample themes are - super-heros, vegetables, candy bars, rabbit family (or other animals) or cartoon characters (i.e. Mickey Mouse, Minnie and Donald Duck). They could also dress in pairslike a mouse and cheese, a plant and a watering can or doctor and patient. The sky's the limit. Christmas theme: One child could go as a present, another a Christmas tree, another Rudolph and the 4th as Santa. Ideas for how to make the costumes: Rudolph - Dye an old pair of sweats brown. Put a light brown felt tummy on the shirt, make a set of cardboard antlers and paint the child's nose red. Present - Wrap an old box that is big enough for the child to wear. Cut out the bottom of the box and make holes for the arms and head. The child can wear a turtleneck stretch pants underneath it. Christmas Tree - Cut two pieces of cardboard into the shape of a tree. Make two one for the front and one for the back. Hook them together with a piece of string over each shoulder. Paint the pieces green with latex paint and attach old tinsel and ornaments with hot glue. Make a star head piece by gluing glitter to a cardboard cutout or use a Christmas tree angel as a head piece. Santa - Trim a pair of red sweats with white fake fur and a large black felt belt. Make a beard with more fake fur, top off with a Santa hat and add a little "Ho, Ho, Ho" for good measure. Of course if all else fails you could wrap the child head to toe in aluminum foil and send him as a frozen burrito... Tawra Kellam is the author of Dining On A Dime: Eat Better Spend Less. For more free tips and recipes visit her web site at LivingOnADime.com/ . In 5 years, Tawra and her husband paid off $20,000 personal debt on an average income of $22,000 per year. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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What Parents Need to Know AboutEating Disorders By Abigail Natenshon, MA LCSW, GCFP Author of When Your Child Has An Eating Disorder, A Step-by-Step Workbook For Parents And Other Caregivers A Parent's Dilemma and Response Even the most competent parents feel confused, inadequate, and guilt-laden in the face of their child's eating disorder. Parents typically do not know how to determine whether or not their child has an eating disorder, and if so, what, if anything, they should do in response. Misguided by the many myths and misconceptions surrounding eating disorders, diet and nutrition, the needs of adolescents, the psychotherapy process, and the assumptions that they may be to blame, parents fear losing their child's love or making matters worse by raising and pursuing uncomfortable issues. In healing their child, parents need education about eating disorders, guidance and support, as well as permission to be parental in assisting their child to heal. Parents need to know what they are doing right; they need to learn to become fully responsive to, and supportive of, the changing needs of the recovering child and family. Empowered and proactive parents ultimately create a deeper and more meaningful emotional connection with the child, supporting recovery as well as the parent/child relationship from this time forward. Intervening with your child may be the greatest investment that parents can make. Not only that, it could save his or her life. What eating disorders are about - Contrary to popular belief, eating disorders are not essentially about food, eating, or weight management. The assumption that anorexics under-eat and bulimics overeat and purge is simplistic, describing only isolated aspects of highly complex, multi-faceted and integrative diseases. Anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive overeating are diseases with chemical, genetic, emotional, behavioral and social implications for the afflicted individual as well as for the family. They are indicators of emotional inflexibility and the patient's inability to face and cope with adversity, of developmental tasks not yet achieved and/or cognitive distortions capable of derailing the child's effective development into adulthood. Characterized by a preoccupation with weight and a pathological fear of becoming fat, erratic or inadequate food intake reflects excesses, disregulation, and a lack of control in life spheres that extend beyond eating and weight control. For the patient, the symptoms of eating disorders create an illusion of control and stability in response to the normal vicissitudes and unpredictability of daily living, making them particularly hard to give up. At the root of dysfunctional eating behaviors lies in the emotional issues that underlie and drive them; full recovery will require changes in behavioral patterns as well as emotional functioning, resulting in an improved relationship with food, the self and others. Eating disorders; Definitions - Anorexia Nervosa represents a pathological fear of being fat, leading to food restriction and at times, purging and over-exercising. The condition is often accompanied by a distorted body image and the absence of the menses. Bulimia Nervosa is the repeated cycle of erratic eating, bingeing followed by purging, and/or fasting or excessive exercise to compensate for the intake of calories. Bulimics often abuse laxatives, diuretics or diet pills and typically struggle with other forms of addiction. Binge-Eating Disorder or Compulsive Overeating is characterized by eating when not hungry or without regard to physiological cues. Binge eaters report the inability to stop or control the behaviors. Deprivation-sensitive binge eating arises out of excessive dieting or food restriction; addictive or dissociative binge eating represents a form of self-medicating or self-soothing, with behaviors evoking tranquility or numbness. EDNOS stands for Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified; this diagnosis describes eating disorders whose symptoms do not precisely fit the descriptions found within the APA Diagnostic Manual. Over 50% of eating disorders fall into this category. Things you may not know about eating disorders - Eating disordered individuals typically are of normal weight, and often appear to be the picture of health and self-discipline. One cannot necessarily recognize an eating disorder through physical appearance alone. Dieting or food restriction is the worst way to lose weight and can be harmful to the metabolism. In most instances, parents are not responsible for causing eating disorders in their children, but when enlightened and empowered, proactive parents can become instrumental in facilitating their child's recovery. Not every eating quirk represents an eating disorder. The distinction between pathology and benign idiosyncrasy in eating patterns lies in the motivation or purpose behind the behaviors. Using food for reasons apart from satiety, nourishment or sociability deserves vigilance and possible response. Eating disturbances in the very young child is generally the result of anxiety and compulsivity, sometimes in combination with the child's imitation of significant adult role models. Adolescent and adult eating disorders are driven by unresolved issues of power and control, identity, self-esteem and body image disturbance. Eating disorders are curable in 80 percent of cases when treated early and effectively. Abigail Natenshon, MA LCSW, GCFP is a psychotherapist who has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders with individuals and families for the past 37 years. The founder and director of Eating Disorder Specialists of Illinois, she is the author of the classic workbook When Your Child Has An Eating Disorder, A Step-by-Step Workbook For Parents And Other Caregivers . As a Guild Certified Feldenkrais Practitioner, Natenshon pioneers in using body-centered techniques to augment and promote body image awareness, acceptance and healing. View her three interactive web sites: www.empoweredparents.com , www.empoweredkidZ.com and www.treatingeatingdisorders.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Culture of Divorce: How Our Moral Values Affect Our Children By Brian Orchard www.vision.org Over the past hundred years or so, there have been changes in moral values that influence marriage, personal development and family relationships. But it may surprise you to know that the harmful effects of divorce on children were documented almost 400 years before Christ. If divorce is so prevalent, so acceptable a thread in the social fabric of Western culture, have we perhaps missed some rather significant developments paralleling its increase? The definition of the word "divorce" means the dissolution or ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000), Judith Wallerstein, senior lecturer emerita at the University of Berkeley's School of Social Welfare, asks, "What about the children? In our rush to improve the lives of adults, we assumed that their lives would improve as well. We made radical changes in the family without realizing how it would change the experience of growing up." Over the last 40 years an increased acceptance of divorce has produced profound changes in our attitudes about marriage and family. The roles of men and women not only changed with industrialization and urbanization in the 20th century, but also during World War II when women entered the workplace. The birth control pill gave women control over fertility; and wages earned brought greater decision-making ability in family relationships. These societal changes brought freedoms that previous generations did not have. During the 1970s, the divorce rate doubled as young folks' attitudes on fidelity, chastity and commitment became very different from those of their parents. The change created less of an incentive to work out marital difficulties. Wallerstein's landmark 25-year study has deeply convinced her of the long-term effects of divorce on children: "Divorce is a life-transforming experience. After divorce, childhood is different. Adolescence is different. Adulthood-with the decision to marry or not and have children or not-is different. Whether the final outcome is good or bad, the whole trajectory of an individual's life is profoundly altered by the divorce experience." The harmful effects of divorce on children were documented in the Bible almost 400 years before Christ. There, we are told that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16.) Marriage is a covenant. It is not independent agreement: "Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (verse 14) This passage notes that the wife is not an inferior but is a companion in whom the husband should take delight. Marriage also assumes a sexual union, and this union is much more than just a physical experience; it is the union of mind and spirit. This relationship between husband and wife is essential to a healthy family relationship. "A central finding to my research," says Wallerstein, "is that children identify not only with their mother and father as separate individuals but with the relationship between them. They carry the template of this relationship into adulthood and use it to seek the image of their new family." Except in the case of premature death, marriage embarked upon in youth is intended to remain into old age. The marriage-covenant relationship is intended to produce children and to provide them with the physical-mental nurturing young, developing minds require. This is precisely the basis of the injunction recorded by the prophet Malachi against ancient Israel. They were destroying the security of future generations by dismantling the marriage relationship-and so are we. Divorce weakens a basic building block of society. Children of divorce are affected to greater or lesser degrees. They carry the impact on into adulthood and in turn affect the next generation. Wallerstein notes, "It's clear that we've created a new kind of society never before seen in human culture. Silently and unconsciously, we have created a culture of divorce." Perhaps it's not too late for us to rethink divorce and society's moral values and how our family relationships affect our culture and the generations to come. Brian Orchard is a pastor with 34 years of family counseling experience. He is a father and grandfather and has worked with youth programs in the U.S., Australia and the Philippines. You can read more articles on family and relationships at www.vision.org . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. . More >>

A New Dog with Old Kids by Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com We adopted a dog recently. Edzo is a 2-year-old Norwegian elkhound. He's sweet, social and gentle, and I have not seen one worrisome behavior in the time we've had him. My kids are really excited to have him in the family. My three sons have been raised with dogs and have attended more bite-prevention events than they care to remember. They know how to be respectful and kind to dogs, so they've been a little puzzled by some of the rules I've set in place to help Edzo adjust to living in our home. Supervision. We were told that Edzo was housetrained and did not chew household objects. As a dog trainer, I spend a lot of time talking to people about housetraining and about cleaning carpets. I really hate cleaning carpets. If I can help it, there will be no housetraining accidents, so we have to treat Edzo as if he were an untrained puppy and set him up for success. The first few days, I kept him very close by and would use his leash to tether him near me. Once I felt confident that he was reliably eliminating in the yard and not prone to chewing up random objects, I began giving him a little more freedom, which meant that instead of keeping him in my sight, I was leaping up and following him each time he moved. More freedom for him meant less for me. I've gone back to living with a toddler, giving Edzo room to explore while providing the supervision necessary to ensure that he doesn't get into anything he shouldn't. When I cannot supervise Edzo for a few minutes, I've asked my 15- and 12-year-old sons to do it. They know that if Edzo has an accident or chews something on their watch, they'll be doing the cleanup. So far, so good. Edzo has had no accidents in the house and has only destroyed one sponge ball he found behind the couch. Quieter Play. Our 7-year-old labrador is unflappable. When the kids chase each other through the house, he barely lifts an eyebrow. Edzo, on the other hand, needs some time to adjust to living with five people. He needs to learn that kids can be loud without being scary. The boys are doing a pretty good job of remembering to modulate their play, but I've had to remind them a few times. I'm not at all worried that Edzo would bite them for being too rambunctious, only that they might unintentionally frighten him. The goal is to have a dog that loves kids and is unfazed by their antics, so it's worth toning things down a bit for the short term. Downtime. Every now and then, Edzo wanders into his crate, lies down on his cozy bed, and takes a nap. I am happy to see him choosing downtime on his own. I love when dogs learn to self-regulate their arousal levels. At times, I have also put him into his crate and closed the door for an hour or so. It's really important that new dogs be given some downtime to rest up and be ready to have more new experiences when they wake. Keep in mind that everything in your household is new to the dog and that if the dog has never lived with kids, he'll be introduced to some behavior he's never seen before. When's the last time you invited adult guests over to play hide and seek or to build a fort out of couch cushions in the living room? Kids are different. Dogs can adapt well to change, but it's important to give them a balance of busy and quiet periods. Meeting Friends. My 10-year-old son excitedly called all of his friends to tell them about his new dog. One of them wanted to come over at a time when I would be at work. I told Brandon that, while I'm sure Edzo will be delighted to meet his friends, I must be present to orchestrate the introductions. I want to be sure that Edzo doesn't jump on anyone and that the kids learn the proper way to meet a dog. I encourage children to let the dog sniff their hand and then to pet the dog gently under the chin or on the neck, but never on top of the head. It's natural for people to reach over a dog's head to pat him, but it's very disconcerting for the dog to have someone reaching toward his blind spot. I seize every chance to teach kids how to make dogs like them, and meeting friends for the first time is a prime opportunity. Edzo is a fantastic dog. He's fitting in beautifully with our family-in part because I've insisted that we take the time to ease Edzo into our routines and to help him adapt to a busy household. A little advance planning and extra effort on a parent's part can go a long way to having a dog that loves kids. Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC, author of Living with Kids and Dogs . . . Without Losing Your Mind , is America's Kids and Canines Coach. Colleen has more than 15 years' experience as the go-to person for parents trying to navigate kid-and-dog issues. Because every interaction between a child and a dog can be improved by a knowledgeable adult, Colleen is committed to educating parents, children, and dog owners on kid-and-dog relationships. For more information visit www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>